957: Come Away With Me – Oneshot

Title: Come away with me
Author: Potix
Media: Movie/Comic Book
Topic: Thor/Doctor Who
Genre: Romance/Humor
URL: Come away with me
Critiqued by SC

Hello, and welcome back to the Library! I’m your host, SC, and today, I’ve got a treat for you guys!

Remember how I tried to find a oneshot and ended up giving myself another full riff? Yeah, well, I’ve been trying to make up for that SNAFU, so I was trolling around FF.Net for a oneshot to give you guys, and I figured, “Hmm, what topics do I know that I haven’t covered yet?”

The Avengers popped out at me first, because I haven’t done anything about that yet. But then it narrowed down to Thor, because I’m not too sure that ANY fics about Thor have been riffed here yet, and that seems absurd for how hard the movie theaters exploded when Thor and The Avengers both came on the big screen.

So, here we are: Come away with me, by Potix, a oneshot fic based off a writing prompt, not quite at eight hundred words, rated K+ despite the fact that Thor is about as far from K+ as you could be. It’s a fic that I can’t, for the life of me, read the title of without thinking of this song:

Now, back to that thing about writing prompts: I don’t have anything against them, per se. Actually, they’re pretty fun. But, they’re basically an open gate for some pretty bad responses. And sometimes, the actual PROMPT is part of the issue.

What do I mean?

Well, let me just skip over this pointless disclaimer with the standard, “I’m no good at English, be gentle” excuse we’ve all seen before and show you:

Princess PrettyPants

Dat username.

on Tumblr gave me this prompt: “Darcy as the Doctor (Doctor Who) encountering a certain God of Mischief causing trouble everywhere”. I changed it a little bit, I hope you don’t mind!

Ghostie, avert thine eyes! Here there be blasphemy!

Part of me wonders what was changed from the original prompt, but most of me is holding that part down and suffocating it with a pillow to keep it from giving me bad ideas.

So, yeah, that’s what I mean when I say the prompt is part of the problem. And this, surely, bodes well for the rest of the fic, don’t you know.

Anyhow, Darcy got a mention there, I guess it’s time for me to do my thing. Since this is the 2011 movie Darcy, any other canon about her kind of doesn’t apply, for the sake of keeping this a reasonable length.

O hai, Darcy Lewis!

Darcy Lewis, if you recall from the movie, is a college student from Culver University studying political science who just REEKS of sarcasm and was assigned as Jane Foster and Erik Selvig’s graduate student for their investigations into a strange weather event, due to a lack of participants. For most of the movie, she just kind of hangs around to provide comedic relief, but is sometimes genuinely helpful to the group, and hey, she gets to see Thor go all God-mode (*snerk*) on the Destroyer near the climax of the movie, so that’s gotta count for something.

The rest of her plot extends into the second movie, The Dark World, but this fic isn’t about the second movie, so I won’t go into it.

He knew he wasn’t supposed to be there.

Yes, I knew quite well that I was traipsing through dangerous territory by looking for a badfic to riff, thanks for noticing.

Sneaking out of his room, using magic to avoid the guards patrolling the halls of the palace, descending where even his older brothers and his group of stolid friends feared to go…

I’m assuming we’re talking about Loki here, in which case, he only has ONE brother, and that’s Thor.

And since I brought him up:

O hai, Loki!

I could go on for hours about Loki, as he’s represented in Norse Mythology; but the movie only really adheres to certain bits about him (that he and Thor were close once, that he’s a trickster and a half, that he’s a frost giant), so that wouldn’t get me very far.

And since this is about the 2011 movie, which is set in the Earth-199999 universe (I swear I’m not making this up), most of the comic representations of Loki don’t apply either. Which, you know, that’s cool. It saves me from super-infodumping like what happened in the Assassin’s Creed riff a few weeks ago. I can basically just abridge the hell out of this and still get my point across.

Which I shall!

According to the Marvel representation, Loki and Thor are stepbrothers. There was a war that broke out between the frost giant home of Jötunheimr and the kingdom of the gods, Asgard, from which the Asgardians came away the victors. Odin Borson, King of Asgard and Allfather of the Nine Realms, discovered baby Loki on the battlefield and adopted him as his and Frigga own son alongside his legitimate son, Thor Odinson, and the two were raised together into their adulthood. Even though Odin’s family welcomed Loki as a prince, brother and son, Loki always had some sneaking suspicion that he was different from them, and was deeply jealous of Thor being the elder brother and therefore pampered for the throne of Asgard. It certainly didn’t help matters when Thor launched a counterattack against Jotunheimr for an infiltration and theft of the Casket of Ancient Winters during his coronation, and Loki discovered that his skin was resistant to the frost giants’ freezing touch. (Also, Thor was stripped of his god-privileges and banished from Asgard for being a little shit. Minor detail, that.)

What Odin never told Loki was that he was Loki Laufeyson, the son of the Jötunheimr king, Laufey. (duh.) Laufey had hidden Loki away out of shame that he was born a runt, so it wasn’t like Laufey was going to miss the little tyke.

Nevertheless, when Loki did finally find out, he didn’t handle it well.

This isn’t the image I wanted to use, but I couldn’t find that image, so this’ll simply have to do.

In fact, he handled it so not well that his outburst, on top of Thor’s banishment from Asgard for being a little shit, and the fact that he controls a vast majority of Asgard’s power, kinda put Odin into an Odinsleep. As far as I can gather, Odinsleep isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not good, either. You see, Odin’s aged body can’t handle Asgard’s power as well as it used to anymore, and so when his strength is expended, he needs to recharge, and Odinsleep happens. Problem is, he’s unconscious and incapable of defending himself for as long as it takes him to wake up again. And he chose a pretty inopportune time to suddenly need a nap, because he ended up conking out for a long enough time that Loki claimed regency over Asgard and pronounced Thor exiled, then proceeded to march the Jotuns right across the Bifrost and into Odin’s bedchamber after incapacitating Heimdall, the Bifrost’s guardian, all so that he could play out some heroic ambition and be the not-shit-son of the family.

Well… that kind of didn’t pan out, because Thor suddenly got all his god-privileges back when he stopped being a little shit for once in his life (almost dying to the Destroyer as controlled by Loki after repenting his past sins while Odin was listening tearfully from Odinsleep probably played a hand in it too, if we’re honest), and then Heimdall un-incapacitated himself to allow Thor and his other god-buddies back into Asgard, and since Thor can fly really fast by swinging Mjolnir around, he was able to bust in on Loki right before that whole hero thing could happen. Oh yeah, and even if Loki’s plan had panned out, Odin still knew what he was up to even in Odinsleep, because he maintains auxiliary use of his god-powers even while unconscious, so it still would have failed.

Clearly, Loki didn’t read the Evil Overlord Guide before he tried this.

Like any aspiring champion who had their plans foiled, Loki got pretty pissed, and he and Thor had a showdown on the Bifrost, which Loki intended to fire like a gigantic fucking cannon at Jötunheimr, but which didn’t happen because Thor was all like, “Welp! We probably didn’t need this Bifrost anyhow!” and BROKE THE BRIDGE to stop the shitstorm from happening.

And then Loki fell into the Void.

So, yeah.

Like with Darcy, the rest of Loki’s plot extends over the course of The Avengers and The Dark World, so that’s all you’re getting, unless YOU want to try and figure out the fucking Labyrinth that is the Marvel wiki.

Now that we’ve introduced both of our protagonists, let’s get back to the fic:

He could imagine the Allfather’s reaction, if he would find out. But he was better than that: he knew how to conceal his presence, and the double he had left in his room was enough to deceive the maids, maybe even his mother…

Oh yes, the illusion of yourself will totally go unnoticed to the woman who taught you everything you know, and the Allfather of the Nine Realms who can see across entire dimensions at the same time, WHILE ASLEEP.

Loki, it’s asinine shit like this that got you dropped into the Void in the first place.

He descended the heavy steps

It takes like three trolleys and an entire team of guards to move those steps, man.

leading to the dungeouns,

The Dungeouns are where bad nouns are held prisoner until they stop being nincompoops.

where the dangerous stranger was detained. There, in the cold but quite comfortable cellar, was a young woman.

Well, she certainly is dangerous, especially at a particular time of the month, I’ll give you that.

I deserved that.

Mahogany locks of hair covered her face; in her sleep, the quite puff of air moved the tresses, showing plump lips and a little nose.

Exposed noses are Playboy’s new gig. So scandalous…

“It’s quite rude to stare at someone who’s sleeping…”. Her scratchy voice took him by surprise. None was supposed to take notice of his presence; he had performed the spell that would ensure his invisibility for hours…

Yeah, and then he got fucking drunk, if this paragraph is any indicator. There’s where he went wrong.

“Little one, there’s no reason to worry! I will keep your secret, if you help me…”. The woman seemed quite young, and inoffensive;

This is the same Darcy who constantly cracked wise about how bullshit the whole Asgard thing was throughout the movie until she saw it firsthand for herself, right? Who is also apparently the new incarnation of the Doctor, which goes against an entire established canon all on its own, which the fans guard closely and violently? How is that inoffensive, again?

quite beautiful, too, his adolescent mind noted. Her blue eyes seemed to sparkle, and he felt inexplicably drawn to her.

So, this fic is definitely confirmed LoDar shipping, right?

“I’m not little…I’m already 700 years old ” he argued,

Oh damn, son, you’re so old that Odin looks young by comparison.

Also, Loki’s age is never establised in the movie, but I’m fairly certain he’s a mite older than JUST seven hundred years old.

and the stranger raised her hands in apology. “Sorry, my mistake. You’re absolutely very old…Well, surely not older than me, but quite mature.

Good to see Darcy hasn’t lost her biting edge, even as the Doctor.

Also, I love how she’s doing all this while still faking being asleep. She must look like she’s derping hard right now.

Would you please tell me where am I, venerable young man?”.

Sure, just as soon as you stop trying to be Ishi.

*Butter’d*

Well, she IS!

He found her mocking tone absolutely inappropriate, insulting and barbarian…

Since when did Loki ever care about good manners?

but mischeviously funny and refreshing, nonetheless.

Oh. Well, okay then.

“You’re a guest of the Asgardian prison- the Allfather himself ordered to draw you from that strange blue box which plummeted to the Bifrost and, after the healer declared you safe, to imprison you here”.

Question: If Darcy’s in prison, shouldn’t all the other hellions that Odin has put behind holographic security screens be trying to bust through them and get after Loki’s head, right now? There’s a reason why he was put in his own cell in The Dark World, you know.

Oh, and I assume you just left the TARDIS crashed on the Bifrost? Yeah, that’s real considerate of you, Odin.

“Ah, Asgard…Never been here before, but there’s a first for everything, they say…And what about the blue box? Is she fine?”. Her voice shifted from funny to worried in an instant.

It’s the TARDIS. The only thing I can recall that was able to destroy it was whatever laid beyond the Crack in the Wall. Although, that could just be because I’m nowhere near as well-read on the series as I probably could be.

“Well, it seems to be almost completely intact…”. Her sigh of relief sounded almost comical, and without knowing he smirked.

Hey, Loki? About the smirking thing – you do remember what happened the last time you pissed somebody off, right?

Now just imagine that Hulk is Taco with a gong.

“So, young man…Do you have any idea of how to help me escape? And don’t you even try to deny it, I can see it in your eyes: you’re practically itching to do it, aren’t you?

Darcy, you have yet to stop pretending to be asleep. I don’t think you “see” anything right now.

You little- ops, sorry! You old mischievious boy…By the way, what’s your name?”.

*Darcy* “In retrospect, I probably should have asked earlier.”

Loki straightened his back before answering. “I’m Loki, heir of Asgard”.

Tell that to Thor, pal. I’m sure he’ll get quite the chuckle out of that.

Before taking Mjolnir upside your head, that is.

“Oh, a prince! It’s the first time I’ve met a prince,

Excuse you, person who is supposedly the Doctor right now?

since I’ve regenerated…

That’s better.

Wonderful! So, Prince Loki, what do you say? May I tempt you with a little mischief?”.

*Loki* “MAY you?! Is there even a purpose in asking?!”

Her eyes twinkled with excitement, and Loki took just a moment to ponder:

*Loki* “How in the nine realms is she doing that through her eyelids? And why don’t I have this power?”

it was basically high treason, but…there was something, in the woman’s attitude, that intrigued him.

And besides, it’s not like Loki hasn’t done worse before. I mean, between usurping Odin’s throne, trying to enslave Earth, and (accidentally) getting his mother killed by the Dark Elves, I’m not sure there’s much else Loki can do to piss Odin off, short of dropping a bomb on the throne.

A refined gesture of his hand and the cellar’s lock fell, freeing the prisoner.

How does one give a refined hand gesture? And why are you busting into Odin’s booze stash instead of breaking Darcy out of her cell? How have the guards not caught you doing any of this yet? Why does the holographic cell screen even HAVE a tangible lock? Aren’t those things controlled by magic or some shit like that?

Loki, what the fuck are you even DOING right now?! My God, you really ARE drunk!

“Yes! Now to retrieve my sonic screwdriver, and my Tardis!”, she exclaimed, sprinting to the steps.

That’s TARDIS, thank you kindly. The name is in all-caps for a reason.

Oh, and nice job shouting your intentions to the rest of the prison, WHERE THE GUARDS CAN CLEARLY HEAR YOU.

“Not even a thanks…None shows me gratitude, not even my brother, or my father; why should a stranger be different?” he thought, already regretting his decision to help the eccentric woman.

In all fairness, Loki, people were a lot nicer to you before you decided to go off and be a little bitch. It’s really your fault more than anything else, bro.

“Hey, Loki, what are you waiting for? A written invitation?”. The woman was at the top of the stairs, waiting for him. “At least I owe you a tour of the Tardis…Don’t tell me you are not curious to see what that big blue box could do, I can see it in your eyes…”.

You are STILL pretending to be asleep, Darcy, stop saying you can see shit.

By the way, that evokes hilarious images of Darcy being the best sleepwalker ever.

He felt compelled to follow her, and embark in whatever adventure she was offering to him.

Yeah, the Doctor has that effect on people.

Darcy, on the other hand, I’m not quite so sure.

“I will come to you, but only to ensure you will shake the guards off safely…”.

I am willing to grant that the guards are a mite dumb at times, but I’m fairly certain that they wouldn’t still be trusted with Asgard’s defense if they were as useless as the fic is implying they are.

“Sure, that’s why you’re doing it…Oh, I almost forgot!”. She offered him her hand, and he shook it firmly. “I’m the Doctor…prepare to run. A lot”.

Mostly from genocidal pepper pots.

Thanks for reading. Leave a review, you will receive good influence and beautiful dreams.

Bribing me won’t make me pat your ass, author.

Well, that’s that! I’ve finally made good on my oneshot promise, so now I can go back to relentlessly bombarding you all with full riffs!

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next week! A Witch needs her Cat coming up next, then chapter two of that Assassin’s Creed fic, and my cycle comes right back around to the start again! In the meantime, I’m SC, and I’ll see you later!

…But really, if Loki were going to hang out with anybody from Doctor Who, it would totally be Riversong.

---