956: Zombie Smurfs: Class II Outbreak – Chapter 1Posted: February 6, 2015
— CONTAINS OFFENSIVE MATERIAL, INCLUDING THE DISEMBOWLING OF A CHILD —
— PROCEED WITH CAUTION —
Welcome, delightful Patrons, to the beginning of a new fic!
Some of you might be wondering to yourselves “Wait, didn’t Ghostie already riff a zombie Smurf fic?” Why, yes – yes, I did. But the author has an entire series of Zombie Smurf fics featuring different scenarios! And they are all TERRIBLE! Isn’t that great news?
Just ignore that, it’s been happening a lot lately.
The fic begins with an identical Disclaimer/Claimer as the previous fic, unlike the previous work it is listed as a Tragedy/Horror rather than a Parody. I can tell very little difference between the styles, or between the voice of this fic and last week’s “Romance” fic. All of the fics by this author that I have read maintain a very similar and extremely bland voice and structure, which is why I’ve taken the precaution to have interns standing by in the lobby with espresso, Mountain Dew, and No-Doz.
Because I love my Patrons – and if I have to suffer through this, so do you. To the fic!
“Everything is set up,” said Chernov to himself as he finishes the last of his calculations, “All the math is done and the machines are ready, this could be interesting.”
Whatever “this” might be. We know it involves math and some kind of machinery, though. Sounds exciting! In a vague sort of way. Looks like our old buddy Chernov is up to shenanigans again.
Chernov is a Human Smurf Hybrid who is green and is 4 apples tall,
No numerals, dammit!
he wears camouflaged jacket, pants, shoes and a camouflaged smurf hat. He is the only smurf in the village who’s legs stand straight.
Wait a second … In previous fics Chernov is only described as being “a little” taller than the other Smurfs. Canonically the regular Smurfs are three apples tall, so Chernov is one-third taller than they are. That’s quite a bit; for a six-foot tall man it would mean someone who was eight feet tall.
Inside Chernov’s mushroom home the major space inside it is cluttered.
Ha-ha! I’ve got my Xenodoken Gun back!
:flings open door:
Eat hot Xenomorph, you redundant bastards!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA!
—SCENE REDACTED DUE TO EXTREMELY GIDDY VIOLENCE—
Aw, man – it feels good to have ol’ Faithful back!
There was a couple of two sided whiteboards with Algebra written all over them,
I’m kind of hoping they aren’t covered with the word “algebra” written over and over, but that might be a fool’s dream. But hey; they’re two-sided! That’s twice the science!
there were tables pressed up against the wall with chemicals and element containers
What, like a beaker made of beryllium? A carboy made of carbon?
along with the usual crap found in a science lab.
Something tells me the author is as very not good at science as he is at descriptive language.
Whatever space is available has some sort of computers on them containing a load of data.
Wait – this is the Smurf Village. The Smurf Village doesn’t have electricity. All this science equipment is useless.
At the center of the room sits an Island Counter with what appears to be a dead potted plant whooked up with electrodes connected to the computers.
Oh, great. Chernov drained all the data out of the plant. Or he has grossly misunderstood how Farmville works.
“I did the math and did the correct measurements of chemicals,” said Chernov as he rechecks his calculations again,
He’s science-ing as hard as he can!
“According to the math, the system will explode making the experiment a success.
Huh. Has the definition of “success” changed recently? I would think having all your equipment explode would be a negative outcome. And if he knows there is going to be an explosion, why is Chernov doing this experiment inside?
Luckily I got rid of all my TNT before beginning this project.”
Yeah, it’s not like you don’t have anything else sitting around that might be dangerous – any leftover quantity of these unknown and probably unstable chemicals that are going to explode, for example.
After checking everything one last time, he puts on a pair of goggles
:puts on goggles as well:
and grabbed a large metal switch screwed into the wall which was connected to the whole system.
The whole system :waves hand vaguely: over there. With all the things. And the stuff. With the science.
“Here goes nothing,” he says, “Fire in the hole!”
:ducks behind desk:
I just know I’m going to get blamed for this.
He flipped up the switch and everything explodes as predicted, the explosion did not caused much damage but it blew out all of the mushroom house’s windows.
The explosion was somehow less explosive than intended?
Chernov was knocked to the ground and is covered in dust and soot from the explosion,
:rolls around on the ground:
AHHH! The goggles! They did nothing!
It was powerful enough to knock him on his ass and cover him with soot, but the explosion didn’t cause much damage? What the frickin’ hell? Dude, you’re in a very small, contained space that isn’t very structurally sound – you live in a MUSHROOM! – even a small explosion would mean that you have no more house. Observe;
“Why am I’m so violent,” he says as he wiped the grime off his face.
I dunno; video games? Ebola? Or are we blaming chemtrails and vaccines for violent behaviour now? I can’t keep track of all the media scapegoats, everything’s to blame and nothing is your own damned fault anymore. That way you never have to take responsibility for your actions.
Then he saw it, the once dead houseplant that resembled twigs is now full of life with green leaves and all.
He exploded it back to life! And didn’t kill it in the subsequent explosion. Neat trick if you can manage it.
“seems that plant worked out perfectly,” said Chernov to himself as he gets up and has a closer look,
I’m as shocked as you are, honey.
“I think it was too successful as the dirt was once dry barren and now it is wet and full of nutrients. Incredible!”
The power of explosions added water and nutrients to the soil. Without removing the soil, or the plant, from the table-thing.
You know, if he used the fertilizer in the plant instead of his little bomb, the plant probably wouldn’t have died in the first place.
There was a knock on the front door as it falls over, a smurf stepped into the room and looked at the scene with his jaw dropped.
:a hand picks up the Smurf’s jaw:
Put that back!
“What happened here?” he asked, “There was an explosion and I thought Jokey’s prank went to far again.”
Nameless Smurf has a point; Jokey does tend to set off a lot of explosions. Why would anyone notice one more in Chernov’s house?
“I’ve just brought a plant back to life,” answered Chernov,
Via the power of explosions. I just can’t get over how stupid that is.
“How? I don’t know but Papa Smurf would want to hear this accomplishment.”
Wait – he doesn’t know how he did it? But he did the math! He measured chemicals! THERE WERE WHITEBOARDS OF ALGEBRA INVOLVED!!!
Also; Whiteboards of Algebra would be an awesome band name.
The smurf looked at Chernov if he’s retarded or something
Keep using that word like that and I’ll turn Herr loose on you.
then he backed away and ran out of the house.
Good-bye, Mystery Smurf! Nice not meeting you!
Chernov grabbed the front door and placed it back on it’s hinges then grabbed the plant before heading out.
Did the explosion blow the plant outside? Because if he puts the door back in the frame, picks up the plant, and then goes off looking for Papa Smurf without opening the door he would have to be outside when he fixes the door.
Awhile Chernov was walking by Handy’s newly built Pavilion,
His what? When did Handy get a pavilion? Hang on a second;
And … Nothing. I can’t find this thing. It must be an original creation. How nice of the author to describe it in detail for the audience. Oh, wait…
the smurf himself was busy sawing wood on his outdoor table saw.
No electricity, baka! That means no table saw! Unless it’s a treadle-powered one, which I don’t recall seeing in the Village.
Across the dirt road the smurflings were digging up a hole and were eating worms,
Oh-kay. Why is this relevant?
it seems that Sassette was beating Nat, Slouchy, and Snappy at their own game as she was getting the most worms.
Good for her, I guess? I didn’t know competitive worm-eating was that big a deal.
When Chernov knocked on Papa Smurf’s door before opening it he found the smurf himself sleeping on the floor snoring,
Dude, rude much? You’re supposed to wait until the owner of the home opens the door. He might be busy, or in the bathroom, or taking a nap on the rug.
Chernov sets the plant on the table and nudges the old timer with his foot.
I sense a continuation of the mild Papa-bashing that pops up in this author’s other fics. The only way to make Chernov seem like a competent leader is to reduce Papa to a feeble mockery of himself.
Almost immediately, Papa Smurf woke up and stumbled to his feet. “What do you have there Chernov?” he yawned as he rubbed his eyes, “A plant?”
It’s the wacky tobaccy – a new strain. I’m thinking of calling it “Boom-Boom Bud”.
“I”d just brought this plant back to life,” said Chernov, “Even though it resulted in a explosion and blew out all my windows and covered me in soot as you can see, it was a complete success.
:makes note: “Huge success.”
As Chernov explains the reanimation process,
Oh, this should be good.
Handy was still working sawing planks of wood on his table saw as the smurflings were still eating worms from the small hole.
I don’t care! They were already doing that, so it offers no new information.
As handy finished cutting some wood, the sawblade suddenly stopped spinning and locked up, “Oh what the smurf?” he asked himself calmly, “Oh smurf, the sawblade jammed.”
Huh? I know “smurf” is kind of a catchall word, but it looks like Handy is cursing his balky equipment. That does not usually denote a calm demeanor.
He sets his pieces of wood aside and turned a wheel to raise the sawblade up from the table saw to take a look, he foolishly forgotten to turn off the table saw as its still on.
That’s really, really dangerous. Like, stupidly dangerous. The very first thing you do when something goes wrong is turn it off. And how exactly did it jam? The motor, belt, etc. are all protected by the table; the only part that is exposed is a small amount of the blade. If something managed to wedge itself between the edge of the opening and the spinning circle of death, then the blade wouldn’t rise up when Handy turned the wheel.
As he tries to loosen the sawblade by hitting it with a chunk of wood,
He must be drunk. That’s the only explanation I can think of.
the smurflings finished eating all the worms from the hole.
Thanks for the update on the worm-eating situation.
“I’ll go asked Farmer Smurf for shovels,” said Nat, “So we could dig a deeper hole this time.”
“I’ll just use by bare hands,” says Sassette as she digs a new hole.
I don’t care about the worms!
“Suit yourself,” commented Slouchy, “It will be a lot easier with a shovel you know.”
Tools make things easier? What a novel concept!
“You’ll might hurt the worms,” insist Sassette.
She’s worried about hurting the worms? The worms that she is currently eating?
As Nat goes off to get some shovels, Sassette wipes off all the mud off of her hands on the grass and stood up.
“Come on you piece of smurf,” mumbled Handy as he whacked the sawblade one last time.
And I’m sure he’s thwacking it in a very calm and peaceful manner.
Finally, the sawblade resumes spinning as broke off it’s axle and ripped through Handy’s torso, grazed Sassette on her stomach, then pinned itself against a tree narrowly hitting Brainy as it hit the tree between his legs.
That was … sudden.
I don’t know enough about direct-drive table saws to know if this is a plausible scenario, but it doesn’t really ring true. The blades are supposed to spin downwards, right? Wouldn’t the blade have hopped up towards his head, or struck the bit of wood he was clubbing it with? If the machine just started spinning when it broke, would it even have enough momentum to do all that damage? How did it go through Handy and still be moving fast enough to embed itself in a tree, but only graze Sassette? Flesh is far less durable than wood.
Smurfette happened to be nearby in a flower garden, she drops the flowers and rushed over to Brainy who had dropped a couple of books he’s holding. “What happened?” she asked.
To hell with Brainy, what about Handy or Sassette? They’re the ones bleeding profusely.
“Get Papa Smurf, look at Handy!” cried Brainy.
I know you think highly of Papa, Brainy, but I don’t think there’s a way to cure someone who has been cut in half.
Brainy points at Handy, he had a vertical gash where the blade ripped through him.
Oh, my mistake; he’s only partially cut in half.
I’m still trying to figure out how this happened. If the cut in Handy is vertical then the blade was either moving up, sending it into the sky after passing through the Smurf, or moving down so that it would go into the dirt afterwards. How did it manage to strike Sassette, who was standing some distance away, and then move horizontally to strike the tree between Brainy’s legs? That’s some serious Magic Bullet Physics happening right there.
He collapsed to the ground in a pool of his own blood, Smurfette and Brainy waste no time as they ran towards Papa Smurf’s house.
Which shouldn’t be very far away, since Chernov passed by the pavillion before entering Papa’s house.
When they barged right in,
What is it with you people? Are you allergic to knocking?
they found Chernov talking about his plant as Papa Smurf was bored out of his mind.
Join the club, we’ve got jackets.
“Papa Smurf,” cried Brainy, “Handy is hurt!”
No, Handy is dead. Sassette is hurt, though. I don’t think anyone has noticed that yet.
“Finally, I mean oh smurf!” cried Papa Smurf as he follows Brainy and Smurfette out the door.
Yay, we’re getting away from Chernov!
“This is something I have to see,” said Chernov as he quickly catches up.
The smurfs approached Handy’s body where Papa Smurf tried to check for a pulse on his neck, “He’s dead,”
There’s a spreading pool of blood, a gaping wound that passes all the way through Handy, and he still checks for a pulse?
Dude, he doesn’t have a pulse! All of his blood is on the ground!
said Papa Smurf, “What killed him?”
:looks at broken table saw:
:looks at blade-shaped wound in Handy’s torso:
:looks at blade protruding from tree:
Gee, Sherlock. It’s a mystery.
“Sawblade, it went over…” Brainy paused and noticed Sassette was standing with her arms over her stomach, Nat was just returning with the shovels and seeing what’s going on he dropped them all and approached Sassette.
Uh-oh; I think she’s gonna throw up! Or lose some internal organs, could go either way.
“Sassette’s hurt!” cried Smurfette as the smurfs rushed towards her, “Sassette, is anything wrong?”
She’s got a hangnail, a crick in her neck, and possibly a giant gash across her chest. Other than that, she’s just smurfy.
“My stomach hurts, it feels like it’s going to explode.” she answered.
Throwing up it is, then.
Chernov noticed the blood on Sassette’s pink overalls, he pulls Sassette’s arms away and everyone was horrified to see a horizontal gash in her abdomen.
It can’t be that bad. She didn’t even fall down when the blade hit her.
Without warning, Sassette’s intestines burst out of her but she managed to catch her insides to avoid them from touching the ground.
She’s dead too, right? You can’t really walk away from a disemboweling like that.
Smurfette simply fainted at the sight of it.
And I don’t blame her. Seeing someone’s digestive tract like that would turn your stomach.
Sassette was too shocked to scream,
I’m surprised she hasn’t passed out from shock or blood loss by now.
Chernov quickly picked her up and rushed her to his house as everyone else follows.
His house – the cluttered and partially-exploded ruins covered in dust and soot? Why go there when Papa’s house is much closer?
Brainy did his best to carry Smurfette along, luckily the smurflings managed to help him with her.
Hey, the nerd gets the girl! Kinda.
Chernov runs into his house to find it cleaned up by Sweepy Smurf who was standing outside waiting for him,
Dude, Sweepy’s the chimney sweep; he doesn’t clean up after explosions.
everyone pushed Sweepy out of the way as Chernov places Sassette onto his island counter.
Which is where all of his data-filled computers were located before. I guess Sweepy knew Chernov was going to immediately need to use the island and helpfully cleared it.
“I want everyone to get out!” ordered Chernov, “Git!”
Guys, do NOT leave him alone with her. He is not a Smurf to be trusted.
Papa Smurf backed everyone outside and shuts the door and proceeds to help Chernov,
Wait, he told everyone to get out. Why is Papa still there? I mean, Papa should be the one in change and everyone should be listening to him and not Chernov, but in this universe Chernov is obeyed without question. So why didn’t Papa leave?
“Papa Smurf, grab her shoulders.” said Chernov, “We’re going to need to remove Sassette’s clothes.”
This is so wrong.
Papa Smurf was too shocked to argue anyway as he does what Chernov says, he undo Sassette’s overalls straps and pulls it off of her with Papa Smurf hanging on – careful not to remove her intestines in the process.
You don’t take off her clothes like that! They should be cut off with scissors to minimize any further damage to the wound.
By the time they got it off, Chernov washed his hands and proceeds to tug Sassette’s intestines back into her stomach.
It’s good that he at least washed his hands, even thought he should be wearing sterile gloves as well, but how can he tug her intestines back into her abdomen? Tugging infers pulling, which isn’t the action required here.
Somehow, she is still conscious and aware what’s going on.
She’s conscious during all of this?
“Am I going to die?” asked Sassette.
Probably. You really should be dead already.
“If your intestines were sliced, you would be dead before you would hit the ground.”
Not necessarily; there would be a much greater risk of infection if the contents of her intestines were released into her abdominal cavity, but she should die from blood loss well before she has to worry about an infection.
said Chernov as he pushes her insides back in the correct places, “Nice sex organs you got here, they would come in handy later in your adulthood.”
The fucking hell did he just say?!?
He complimented her, a child, on her sexual organs. She’s laying there in pain, confused, and he takes the time to admire her innards? WHILE HE’S PERFORMING SURGERY?!?
Hell no. When you’re stuffing a child’s intestines back into her abdominal cavity, you should not pause and admire her sexual organs. Not only does that show a criminal lack of focus during a delicate operation, but that’s just weird. There is no universe where this would be a good idea. EVER. It’s just so weird and … wrong. This is a naked child whom you are treating for an injury – any sex she may or may not be having at some point in the future shouldn’t even be a dim shadow of a thought fluttering around the back of your brain.
“So what are you going to do Chernov?” asked Papa Smurf as Chernov disinfects the wound.
Something stupid and offensive, no doubt.
What is he using to disinfect the abdominal cavity? You can’t just spritz a little Lysol on it and call it a day. There’s going to be blood, lots of it, and it will keep flowing as long as Sassette is alive. Which won’t be very long.
“I’m going to stitch her gut close,” he said as he took out a spindle of strong thread and a needle, “Here goes nothing.”
I’m just surprised he didn’t pull out a roll of duck tape.
Even if Chernov disinfected the area, using an unsterilized needle and thread is going to introduce all sorts of nastiness to the wound – and not just on the surface, but inoculated deep into the tissue. Something fibrous and porous like sewing thread would be a bacterium’s dream home. If Sassette somehow manages to survive the massive blood loss, which Chernov has no way of replacing, she’s going to die of infection at some point.
It took him an hour or two,
If all he was doing was sewing her cut close, then two hours is way too long. If he was doing a half-way competent job of surgically repairing a broken person all by himself, then two hours isn’t nearly long enough.
as Sassette’s intestines try to spill out again.
There’s something very wrong if her intestines keep leaping out of her abdominal cavity. When she was standing up gravity helped pull them out, but now that she’s laying down that same gravity should be helping to hold them in.
After he finished the last stitch, he rubs antibiotic ointment on the wound then placed a bandage on it.
Yeah, a little Neosporin and a Band-Aid, that’s all she needs to recover from massive trauma.
“I see why your belly is big,” said Chernov as he tickles her side, “Your organs seemed to have no room in there.”
…The hell are you doing?!? She just had surgery – which you should know since you performed it! She’s not going to be ticklish, she’s going to be in pain!
Sassette simply laughed, she’s now out of shock and is out of the woods for now.
That’s not even close to being an accurate statement. She’s not out of the woods; she so deep into the woods, she’s found the door to Christmas Town!
When Smurfette finally came to, it was just in time for Chernov to call her in. “Sassette, your sister is here.” said Chernov.
Wait a second … Smurfette fainted two hours ago, before Chernov started his little amateur surgery. Why is she just waking up now? It does not take a person that long to recover from a faint. There’s got to be something else wrong with her.
And why hasn’t any covered up Sassette’s nakedness? There’s quite a few people in this room and she’s laying there in nothing but her stitched together skin.
“Oh thank you Chernov,” said Smurfette, “I knew I could count on you.”
Well, that makes one of us.
“Smurfette?” asked Sassette.
“Yeah?” asked Smurfette.
“Are you going to pass out again?” she asked.
Why? That wasn’t funny.
the humor was short lived as Chernov quickly brought up the bad news, “The bad news is that she can’t be outside up and about for awhile,” he said,
That’s not really bad news, it’s a minor inconvenience. Bad news would be a raging case of sepsis.
“Until the wound heals, she will stay at my house for now so I could keep an eye on her.”
Why Chernov’s house? Wouldn’t it be better for her to stay with Smurfette, the only other female in the village? It’s not like he needs to open her up and continue rooting around in her organs.
“For how long?” asked Smurfette.
“Weeks,” said Chernov, “Nor she could stand, as the pain would be unbearable.”
That’s the first sensible thing he’s said, because it would take a long time for her to recover. I’m not so sure she would be in that much pain, though. Normally, yes; but she was awake during the whole surgery and laughed when he tickled her. That points to her having a phenomenally high pain threshold.
Sassette tried to sit up but yelped and laid back down, “See,” said Chernov, “Unbearable.”
She yelped, which is what the dog does when you step on its tail, and didn’t even pass out. That does not sound like unbearable pain to me.
Chernov picks Sassette up and lies her on his bed in the next room,
But if she’s in his bed, where is he going to … Never mind, I don’t want to know.
then he walked out of the house as Smurfette stayed by her sister’s side.
Where is he going now?
Brainy simply sat by with the other smurflings as he Chernov came walking back in with Handy’s body and flopped him onto the Island Counter where Sassette once lied.
What is he going to do with that? He can’t save Handy, the smurf has been dead for two hours.
Oh, right; zombie fic. Reanimated plant plus recently dead smurf equals shenanigans.
“Accidental Death,” said Chernov as the smurfs stared at the body,
No, really? I thought he choked to death on a bite of pie!
“Irony is that all the victims wore Overalls
That’s not irony – it’s coincidence, you frickin’ hipster.
and the only funny thing next to that is Brainy nearly got the sawblade on his you know what.”
Groin-based humor does tend to be popular with a certain demographic, but it is one of those visual things that don’t translate well into the written word.
Chernov places a bedsheet over Handy’s body and simply said to everyone, “Does anyone have anything better to do?” he asked.
Harsh, man. Their friend/brother just died violently in front of them and another friend/sister was badly wounded. Let them grieve in peace. If you don’t want mourners in your house, don’t keep a body in your kitchen.
All the smurfs cleared out of Chernov’s house and he shut the door behind them, now he wonders what to do with the corpse.
Well, it is in the kitchen and from a past fic we know Chernov is a carnivore…
Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Papa Smurf stood before him, “Can you revive Handy?” he asked.
Not now – he’s been dead for two hours! To time to attempt to revive him is long past.
Oh, right; shenanigans. I keep forgetting.
“I could try but there might be unforeseen consequences.” said Chernov,
The plant hasn’t had any “unforeseen consequences”, but I don’t know if you can use the same procedure on a mammal that you can on a plant. He’s probably going to have to develop a new explosive method to revive Handy, but the side effect will likely be zombism.
“I’ll try to revive him at midnight, you remember what happened after that meteor strike on top of Brainy.”
No, I don’t I assume it happened in another fic, but you should probably elaborate for those of us who didn’t read it. You can’t just bring up something like a meteor strike and not explain what happened.
“Oh yes, I remember it well.” said Papa Smurf.
Papa Clueless knows about this mystery event, but the audience gets nothing?!? What a rip!
“It’s not your time yet old timer,” said Chernov,
I really don’t understand why you would say that. Is this a reference to some other near-fatal accident? Because it is completely lost on me.
“But for Handy, his time is already up.”
Thanks, Captain Obvious, for pointing out – yet again – that Handy is dead. I think everyone got it that time.
Chernov shuts the door and Papa Smurf heads home,
How can he shut a door he never opened? And were they inside? Outside? I can’t tell one area of the Void from another!
Chernov sits back and stares at the cloth of the body
The bedsheet covering Handy is made of Handy? Is this the Klein Bottle mortuary?
and begins to wonder what he must do.
Anything other than attempt to reanimate a corpse and unleash a zombie plague on the village?
TO BE CONTINUED…
Unfortunately, it does continue for several more chapters. See you next time with another one!