802: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Twelve

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic Darth Overlord Crunchy and Eliza

Those of you with only the keenest monkey observation skills will notice that Taco is not participating in today’s riff.  Rather, he is leaving it in the more-than-capable hands of Eliza and myself, the Library’s resident hyper-intelligent bird-precursors.

“Hi!”

Pithy.  Taco tells me that he needs to distance himself from this fic after the previous installment, so he put us in charge.  That is what he told me. But, I suspect his absence might have more to do with his recent discovery of a new version of Dwarf Fortress.  He was mentioning something about a rather nasty undead siege earlier today, but honestly I start tuning him out after “Hey, Crunchy!”

“I have a hard time hearing him through the pie.”

Anyhow, let me check the notes here… Ah! So, last time Buster celebrated the successful beating of his own child with some extreme racism and assault of a prisoner in the name of racial purity.

… WHAT!?

*Crunchy flips back and reads last week’s riff with Eliza*

I do believe this cesspit of a hero qualifies as among the most heinous villains I have ever encountered.  There really is a big difference between a villain such as myself and this malodorous troglodyte.

“In that he is actually villainous while you put on airs of villainy that, at best, serve as a comical counterpoint to your primarily informed evilness?”

No!  Certainly NOT that.  I was going to say: standards!  A villain of my caliber has very high standards of evil!  Just because I have a hard time finding acts of villainy that satisfy those standards in no way diminishes the quality or capacity of my evil!   Now I grant you that Buster may be evil, but where is the style?  Where is the energy and ambition!?  He does not even have the basic élan to develop a maniacal laugh or devastatingly witty catch-phrase!  Even two-bit villains can at least manage that!

I am beginning to doubt that he has even bothered to register with the lesser evil union: the Evil Bureau Of Organized Knaves!

“E.B.O.O.K.?”

Just because they are evil does not necessarily mean they are good with acronyms.  Anyway, while he is not even a member of E.B.O.O.K., I am both the founder and self-elected president of the Malicious Academy of Nefarious Criminals Achieving New and Despicable International Evil!

“M.A.N.C.A.N.D.I.E.?”

I think it is time to move on from this discussion and start chapter twelve.

Chapter 12

The Wolf Allegiance

I feel a disturbance in the force.

Now, let us see what-

“INCOMING!”

*Eliza tackles Crunchy out of his chair*

*CRASH*

*CRASH*

My words but that was close. Thank you for the save, Eliza.

“Darkwraithes!  Could you please be little dears and drag this out of the control room and chop it into manageable bits.  I have several fresh pies cooling in the kitchen for any of you who can help out.”

Um, did you cook those pies, Eliza?

“Of course not, silly!  I had Gumdrop do it.”

*A large company of Darkwraiths suddenly swarm into the room and drag the text brick out*

“Well, that isn’t very nice.”

Nice or not, Darkwraiths do have a very keen sense of self-preservation when it comes to your cooking.

Buster was in his office as he saw outside, Swenia being pushed into a truck.

Let me see here, I have a note from Taco about this chapter.  Let me just toss it up:

Swenia disappears from the fic after she gets on the truck.  They reference her a few times later in the fic, but she never actually puts in a physical appearance.  She’s essentially a dead character beyond this point, so hijack the truck and make sure it never gets to where it’s going.  Also, go ahead and swap in one of those PCC brand generic character dummies we have laying around.  That way nobody gets suspicious when she doesn’t arrive at the prison.

You heard him!  Get the dive team in there to intercept that truck!

“Darkwraiths!  To the literary transporter!”

*Eliza rushes off*

On the side of the truck was the words “OPMC” in large print.

And here I had been holding onto the foolish hope that they might be loading her onto an ice cream truck.

He then saw Radon behind the police lines blowing a kiss to Swenia.

Good luck in prison, dear!  Sorry about not doing anything to try to prevent this!

Buster got out of his leather chair and walked over to the PA system.

You would save quite a lot of time if you had that on your desk rather than in the corner of the formless void.

Buster took the microphone out of its holder and pressed “Outside Speakers” button.

That is the most oddly specific PA system I do believe I have ever seen.  Is there also a “disco inferno” button and an “every other room in the basement” button?

“Radon to my office, Radon to my office” Buster said into the microphone.

So, calling him back in to gloat over the fact that you assaulted his wife and banished her to a labor camp?  That is a twisted kind of evil there, bucko.  Are you going to also give him a wedgie and a few paper cuts while you are at it?  A few wet-willies, perhaps?  Hand him a stack of math textbooks and loose paper just so you can dump them out of his hands and onto the floor, then make HIM pick it all up?

Out side, Radon looked up to the speaker beside him on a wall of a near by Police Security booth.

By what trick of witchery does the cruel tyrant’s voice assault me from the heavens!?  Speak, foul warlock, or shall I finally escape from your grasping clutches!

Swenia looked up from her cuffed paws and had an unsure look on her voice as she saw her mate, Radon walking to the entrance of the Outland Senate House.

Swenia, keep it down.  I am quite tired of your voice looking at me while I read this fic.  If you keep that up, I may be forced to blindfold your mouth.

Once Radon was inside an OSS member greeted him. “This way Radon” He said as he opened a door that Radon wanted to se behind for some time.

I am not positive that actually means anything.  I would try to read that last sentence again, but I have been tinkering with the respawn points and would rather not be the one to test my work.

The OSS member led him into an elevator and pressed the top floor button. After the elevator was running for a long few minutes, The OSS member introduced him self. “My name is General Dekengeo, and you must be the leopard who has a lioness for a mate?”

Why hello, sudden named character who comes out of nowhere without any establishment.  Fancy meeting you here, in a random elevator ride.  I must say that you have a quite a bit of pertinent knowledge for a General who is stuck working the elevator.

Radon looked over to him and saw that this OSS member was a leopard as well. “Yes, I have a lioness for a mate, but I love her very much and she loves me the same” Radon said.

Really, no need to be defensive here.  Even if your relationship is shallow and without passion, as evinced by your lack of support for you mate, it really is not anyone’s business who you are bedding.  You really need to stop acting as if the amplitude of your love is the only thing that would justify your relationship.

“You’re a leopard right?” Radon asked as he put his paws into his pockets.

Yes he is.  The next question better address the specifics of how he can work for such a racist despot.

“How observant of you. I have been employed by Professor X who now is the top ranking General in the Outland Royal Military and the Outland Secret Service” Dekengeo said with pride.

That is very nice.  The problem therein is that your boss is taking orders from Buster, so it does not really matter who your direct supervisor is.

Then Radon heard the bing of the elevator. The door opened with a loud whooshing noise and another leopard came to him from a desk.

I see.  I take it that Radon is once again going to roll over without questioning people who claim authority over him.  You will make a great minion or crony someday, Radon.

“This way sir, my name is Dekitjav, the OSS informer.

Introducing yourself as an informant is a good way to get yourself suddenly vanished in the middle of the night.  Mayhap you should open conversation with a cover story  instead.  As I always say, “When in doubt, lie.”

I have here a request from King Buster that you must meet him in his high rise office” The leopard said before turning around and showing him the way.

For a fellow who seems so dead set on enforcing racial purity, Buster sure has a lot of leopards in his S.S.  I am not all that convinced that having a secret, black operations group comprised entirely of a race you are actively discriminating against is such a good idea.  That seems akin to training up an elite assassin and then mocking his mother.

“Am I in trouble?” Radon asked.

… Yes?  Did you miss the part where your wife was shipped off to a labor camp for daring to partake of an impure union?  Was it lost on you that she is to be forced against her will into a pure pairing in the name of respecting racial lines?

If nothing else, now I understand why you are not on Taco’s evacuation list.

“I have no information about the meeting” Dekitjav said as he slipped a shiny metal card into a slot next to a door.

That makes you either a poor intelligence agent or a bad liar.  I suppose you could also be simply incompetent.  Come to think of it, that seems the most likely scenario.

“Access granted” A computer voice replied to the card in the slot.

So, what would the audience rather read, the rest of this story, or a spin-off fiction that is just a twenty page conversation between the identification card and the access computer?

The door opened a little and Dekitjav pushed Radon through the door.

Please be a spike pit, please be a spike pit, please be a spike pit-

The door closed with a loud mechanical Clang in side the massive metal door. “Well the reason why I have summoned you Radon is to work out an agreement to keep you and Swenia together” Buster said in the blackest of clothes Radon had ever seen in his life.

Point of order: why did you wait until after you had assaulted Swenia and intimated you would order her rape before deciding to work on an agreement?  I think you do not understand how bargaining works.

Lucky for Radon, at no point did anyone search him for weapons and he is alone in the room with his wife’s assailant.  I do believe that there is a very simple solution to all his problems staring him right in the face.

Buster was wearing a Black Robe Uniform that indicated he was the King with two large strips that were woven into the zipper region of the silk toga.  Around the collar of the BR was dark green like forest green also woven into the hems.

I may be a raptor with a wardrobe consisting of only black holocaust cloaks, but even I know a fashion disaster when I read one.  Whoever your tailor is, Buster, fire them for letting you go out in public in that.

It is also interesting to note that Buster has not been described beyond the color of his mane, yet now we are getting clothing pornography for his king suit.

Radon gave Buster a confused look before sitting down in one of the two chairs.

That is the logical response.  The man who just tossed your beau in prison for the unethical behavior of cross-species mating now wants to sit and work something out to permit behavior he views as entirely immoral.

“Good then, I just don’t want to have you and Swenia on my case forever you know. Swenia just has to serve her time and when she is out, I’ll arrange a nice home for both of you. And any cubs she bears will be given the rights to the best of the jobs around here I have to offer” Buster said starting his Cuban cigar up from his ash trey.

If the use of crude explicative was no so entirely beneath me, I might be tempted to indulge in a rather protracted string of them.

For the record, Buster, giving the two of them perks and a good standard of living after Swenia’s interment in a labor cap does not buy you forgiveness.  The reason it does not buy you any forgiveness is that the only reason Swenia is is prison is because you sent her there for a relationship that, for whatever reason, you are suddenly fine with existing.  Yet, you are still making her go to prison even though your tune has changed.

You, sir, are a cad of the highest order.

Now, you might argue that, she pulled a knife on you and that she is going to prison for that; however, she only did that after you informed her that you were going to have her separated from her husband and raped in the name of racial purity.  You should be lucky she did not stab you following that declaration.   I think a little forgiveness for threatening you is more than merited.

Also, I shall hand the tongue-lashing over smoking Cuban cigars over to Herr.  Suffice to say, supporting the Cuban government by paying for their imports does nothing to improve anyone’s opinion of you.

Radon looked at Buster and then smiled and gave Buster a hardy paw shake before making a move to the door. “Wait, I’m not done yet” Buster said as he opened on of the draws on his desk. “Come take this as a token of my friend ship, may this gift help you and Swenia through hard times and good ones as well” Buster said holding a black case out to Radon.

What an unctuous reprobate!  And, Radon, for shame.  To allow and excuse the abuses against your spouse in exchange for baubles and status places you among the lowest single cell protozoa that feed upon swamp detritus.  You, sir, disgust me.

Speaking of which, Eliza is due back from the extraction mission.  I do hope things are going smoothly.

Radon took it and opened it up. A tear began to form in the corner of His eye and he quickly wiped it away. “Thank you Buster, this money will go to good use and I will give this medallion to Swenia” Radon said with more than a tremble in his voice.  “That’s a good 50’000 there Radon, I know you’ll put it to good use”

It seems as though 50’000 munies would be more than enough to hire a skilled assassin.  In fact, I know at least one skilled assassin who would take the job for free, leaving you more than enough to affect a jail-break.  Sadly, I know better than to expect this of you, Radon.

“What! 50’000!? Thank you so much! I’ll honor you and Zira the rest of my life!” Radon cried out.

I am honestly not sure which of these two I like the least.  On the one hand, we have a totalitarian who abuses his child as well as unarmed prisoners while enforcing racist laws.  On the other we have a flaccid noodle of a man who validates the actions of the first by accepting a pay-off.

Now that I consider it, I can think of two assassination missions I would do for free.  *ahem*  I mean the assassin I know would do them for free.

You should go now, I’m expecting some representatives of the Dorgana Pack” Buster said pulling a glass of brandy to his lips.

So you partake of communist smokes and a glass of brandy while seeing to the affairs of state?  It is very handy that you took power by force rather than holding an election.

Radon walked out the door and went home to wait out the two months for Swenia’s sentence.

*An armored prisoner transport truck comes crashing down through the ceiling, landing in the middle of the snark control room.  Eliza jumps out of the driver’s seat*

So, how did it go?

“Swimmingly.  Had to kill the guards, but you’ll get some of that with armed takeovers of prisoner transports.  I’ve radioed ahead and Bifocals is working on getting the respawn points set-up to wipe their memories to just before the hijacking.”

And Swenia?

*Two darkwraiths pull an uncoscious lioness from the truck and lug her out of the room*

“Had to tranq the poor dear.  She reacted very poorly to being rescued by 6 darkwraiths armed with weaponized confetti cannons being led by a talking Utahraptor.  I’m having her set up in one of the guest rooms and I’ll have somebody less… alarming talk her down when she wakes up.”

Where are you going to find anyone who fits that particular criteria in the Library?

“Uh… Marcus?  He’s also from a Jedi’s Destiny fic, so they might be able to relate.”

So, it has finally come to this.  Using Marcus as an ambassador of peace.  Oh well, the worst that can possibly happen is that she panics and kills a few of us in our sleep.  Take a seat, Eliza, and let us continue with the fic.

Buster closed his door and then sat down and finished his brandy in one gulp.

“Do we get to add alcoholism to his list of character traits, yet?”

Unfortunately not.  This is only the second time he has had a drink, so, despite it explaining his violent tendencies, we have to accept that he may just like a nice brandy before talking to wolves.

He looked at the papers on his desk and then put them in front of him.

“Most people sit with their desks in front of themselves, but Buster rides his desk side-saddle.”

“Now lets see, The alphas are Tesren and Ursula, eh?” Buster then looked at some of the most recent pictures of the two in the stack of paper.

Poor unfortunate souls-

*Bop*

“Taco told me to keep you from doing Disney villain impressions, and I intend to see that mission through to the end.”

Curses!

Alright, moving-

“CRUNCHY! Lookout!”

*Eliza tackles Crunchy out of his chair again*

*CRUNCH*

*CRUNCH*

That is even bigger than the first one.  Darkwraiths!  We need your pickaxes in here to break this up!

“Nice looking couple, that’s if I were a wolf. So what do they want from me?” Buster said taking another glass of brandy.

“CASUAL RACISM ACTIVATE!”

He is up to his second glass of brandy.  We should keep an eye on this situation.

“PFFFFFFFT! They want what!?” Buster said spitting out the brandy in Dekitjav’s face.  What the fu…! Why’d you do that for!” Dekitjav yelled wiping his face with his uniform.

“And Dekitjav finally snaps and stabs Buster in the face, killing him instantly. The end.”

Hey!  How come Eliza does not get shocked when she does that!?

Crap. I did not see you there. Sorry, it’s just that Tesren and Ursula want a platoon of Military personnel to protect them from an INer threat” Buster said wiping a bit of brandy from his lips.

To get this straight, the wolves are asking the Lion Nazis to defend them from the other Lion Nazis.  I am not sure they really understand how this is supposed to work.

“Anyway, at this point the wolves are shown in, there are introductions and then:”

“I know who you are, It’s just that I am questioning your request for a platoon of my best Military personnel” Buster said handing Tesren the letter sent to him two days before.

“I’m less clear on how a group of at most 64 soldiers, even really good ones, are going to be able to defend them against a threat as hugenormous as the I.N.”

Must you use absurd words around me?

“Yup.”

 “Umm, we have some problems with The IN Pride Lands” Ursula said as she sat down in a chair.

I do not find this hard to believe.  What I find hard to believe is that you find Buster the lesser of the two evils.

 “Don’t we all have some kind of confrontation with them asinine Lions.

Ssssssss!  The sentence, it hurts me!

“Whachu say?  Thems is goodly talk!”

GAH!

*Crunchy falls out of his chair and writhes on the floor*

“You’re so fun!”

I have had my share of the attacks from them and know that they probably want the land your territory is based on, is that right Tesren?” Buster asked as he took the letter from Ursula.

Thank you, captain obvious, that is indeed the general aim of war: take land from people who have it.

 “Yes they want my land. I tried an agreement with them for parts of the land but they just want it all!” Tesren muttered under his breath.

“Tesren has one heck of a loud mutter.”

You have to respect him for that.  Muttering at the top of your lungs is a very hard skill to master.

Buster turned the chair to the left and then got up and walked to a computer terminal. “Now then, I must have your allegiance to my authority before I can make any such requests, Tesren, is that all right?” Buster said pressing a small gray square on a piece of glass.

“Buster’s first instinct in this situation is to seize control of the wolfen government.   Who’s surprised?  Anyone?  Don’t be shy, you can put your hands up!  Still nobody?  Oh c’mon at least one of you has to be surprised!”

You may want to give up on that one, Eliza.  We all knew where this was headed as soon as we read the chapter title.

“But this isn’t how an diplomatic relations works!”

I know, Eliza, I know.  We all know.

Then a small screen lit up. “Uh, I guess so. Oh hell sign me up then” Tesren said with pride in his voice.

Truly Buster is a master negotiator.

Then Buster typed and typed until he stopped to soothe his wrist.

“Um, why is he doing that?  And why are the wolves sitting around watching him type.  That’s gotta be as exciting as watching Taco play text-based games.”

“Good that should do it. You are now members of the Outland Kingdom.

*Double Faceclaw*

This is NOT how diplomacy works, Victor.  The secret to diplomatic ties is a little more complex than filling out an excel sheet.

“Crunchy, please reassure me that Buster is not going to explicitly forbid interracial couples involving wolves and lions.”

I make it a policy not to fill others with false hope.  Wait, why would you hope for that anyway?

“Two words: Panther Puppies.”

That does not even make any-

“PANTHER PUPPIES!”

Now concerning your request, I can have my General Dekengeo take you home with a set mission for commanding the Blood Platoon when they are assembled from their most recent mission which I might add was victorious” Buster poured out as he started typing more.

“Unfortunately the Cool-Ass Tactical Platoon Of Outstanding Paratroopers wasn’t available, so you’ll have to settle for Blood Platoon.”

Seriously, Eliza?

“I stand by the name.”

“There General Dekengeo is assigned the mission and you might know him from when you had omega’s as apart of wolf society” Buster said again as he gave a recent picture of General Dekengeo to Ursula.

“That sentence hurts to read, Crunchy.  Make it stop.”

Intriguing, there does not appear to be a “worst leader ever” counter button on the console.  I suspect that Taco forgot to include one.

“I think there’s a shenanigans button!”

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 43

“Why in the world is Buster handling the assignment of 50 odd troops personally?  And why is he sending a general to oversee those 50 troops!?

More importantly, why is the deployment of fifty troops going to save an entire Wolfen civilization from an invading nation with tens of millions of personnel at their disposal?

“I think this gets another!”

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 44

I suspect that you are rather enjoying that.

“Of course, it’s a button!”

“Yes, he was a omega. He was my sweet heart before Tesren chose me over the rest of the pack females.

So, General Dekengeo, a leopard as mentioned earlier in the chapter, was in a cross-species relationship with a wolf.  These are animals not even in the same Suborder of mammal as each other.  Yet, Dekengeo is made a general.  Meanwhile, Swenia is in a relationship with an animal of the same Subfamily as herself, and she’s given 2 months hard labor.  I am detecting a smidgen of uneven treatment of the sexes here, Buster.

“Can I bite him?”

You had your chance when you were in the fic evacuating Swenia.

“Dang it!”

I have always wondered what he did with him self, now I know” Ursula said as she handed Tesren the picture.

“Yup, chained himself to prime jerkstore material.  Poor guy.”

“This guy resembles a wolf who was banished, but the name is not coming to my lips at all” Tesren said as he looked closer at the picture.

Right, one of those leopards that look like a wolf.

“ONLY ONE STEP AWAY FROM PANTHER PUPPIES!”

Indeed.

“Or there is Arin, one of the Dorgana omega’s that now is located in his own pack” Buster said pulling another picture out of a file.

“Why are they all standing around gossiping about past and present wolf pack leaders?”

I suppose they need to do something to pass that big, empty day that Buster has lined up.

“Arin, that’s my psychotic brother” Tesren gasped as he held the picture in his paws.

“Easy with the whole ‘psycho’ talk in the presence of Buster.  You might offend him and get put in prison for a few months.”

“Arin has his own pack?!” Ursula screamed and took the picture from Tesren’s grasp.

Apparently.  Buster said so and he is an impeccable source.

“Yes he’s psychotic, and has a motto with his pack. It’s called. ANGER, HATE, MAD, TRECHERIOUS AND UNFORGIVING Is We”. Buster said as he rubbed his eyes and put his Daggers back on.

“Are you sure the two of you aren’t like long-lost brothers or something?”

Arin is probably a clone.  Sith lords are renowned for their cloning abilities.

“Wait, is THAT where the respawn points came from!?”

“He sounds like he is say he wants revenge on me or something” Tesren said in a shallow voice.

Wait, what?

“Did the Darkwraiths forgot to give us some of that paragraph or something?  It feels like there’s something missing.  Something along the lines of about 20 minutes of plot.”

“I know he has no grudge against you Tesren. He has lost his alpha female to a wolf of his own pack who was working for the INers” Buster said just as Zira came through the back door.

“Zira came through the back door?”

That’s what she-

*BAM*

“I see Herr’s new heat-seeking Alma attachment is working.”

“Oh hi Zira babe, what brings you here dear?” Buster said grasping on of Zira’s paws. “It’s that cub of ours, that little piece of crap made more mess then cleaning the existing one” Zira said in crying tone.

Oh, joyous day, now we get to see horrible parents whining about the cleanup that their negligence caused.

“This chapter just keeps brining the fun.  No wonder Taco bailed on it this week.”

“Oh that shit’s getting it now! Dekit!” Buster yelled getting up.

*Force lightning starts to crackle around Crunchy*

Eliza, would you be a dear and prep the literary transporter for me?

“Uh, I don’t think we’re allowed to abuse it.  Plus, Taco-”

Very well, if you will not assist me, I shall do it myself.

*Crunchy gets up and leaves*

“Oh my.  At least I get the comfy chair now.”

“Yes sir?” Dekit said as he entered the through the main door. “Take Tesren and Ursula to the transportation department on level B. I’ll contact you too later” Buster said, but Tesren got up and looked at Buster and asked a question. “We can’t go back now, as no ones allowed to enter. It’s a now entry time for two days” Buster shook his head and sat back down.

*Eliza flips open the universal badfic to English dictionary*

“Aha!  He’s propositioning Buster for sex!  Or maybe asking to use the bathroom.”

“Umm there is no room in any of the motels at this time, so why don’t you two spend them two days with Zira and I.

“Supreme ruler and, more importantly, holder of an associates degree in hotel management.”

It would be an honor to spend time with two of the most respected wolves around here” Buster said. Tesren and Ursula excepted the invitation and when they were sleeping on the hide-a-bed couch fixture, Buster was talking to Dagger.

“Excepting that invitation is for the best.  Nothing is quite so bad as having to be a guest of a family in the process of collapsing.”

“Ok Dagger I know you don’t like what you mother and I made you do so just do it and get it over with” Buster said to his adolescent son. “But it sucks! I hate cleaning!” Dagger yelled. “Hey! There are two wolves in the living room who have travailed a long way just to spend the next couple of nights here. So keep it down” Buster threatened in a low voice. “But, I don’t like it” Dagger repeated.

“I do so enjoy scenes chock full of domestic strife and whining.  Reminds me of when I was undercover in Sorin’s pack, actually.”

Buster sighed and started to wrestle with Dagger a little. Soon they were both laughing out loudly and screaming at each other.

“A good father always sends mixed signals to their kids.  Helps reinforce the feelings of inconsistency and uncertainty in the child.”

*Crunchy storms back in, robe smoldering.*

“I was trying to tell you that Taco rigged the transporter to explode if anyone tried to use it after Swenia was rescued.  Just in case.”

I do tend to underestimate his capacity for diabolical scheming.

“And booby-traps.”

And booby-traps.

After they settled down Buster was sitting on ht end of Daggers bed and then spoke. “You know I have not have that much fun for a long time” Buster said looking at his son.

I assumed your life was a laugh riot.  What with the tyrannical rule and ultimate power.

“It’s lonely at the top.”

I disagree.  An endless supply of minions and sycophants, an assassination attempt daily, and everyone knows your name!  You cannot even walk down the street without cries of anguish and hate following you everywhere you go.

“Dad, I’m sorry for making the messes in the house, forgive me?” Dagger asked as he sat up.  “Of course Dagger, your forgiven. Come here you and give your old lion a big father son hug” Buster said as he outstretched his arms to welcome the embrace from his son.

This would be far more saccharine-filled if it did not ring so hallow.

“Yeah, the savage beating he gave the poor boy yesterday does kinda make this whole scene ring rather false, doesn’t it?”

Buster and Dagger hugged for a while and Buster then tucked his son into bed eve though he was old enough not to have it done.

Remember, the actual age of the boy is unimportant.  Rather the vague assertion that he could go to bed himself without being tucked in should be sufficient.

“Indeed, that narrows him down to any age over four.”

Buster then gave Dagger a small kiss on the forehead and shut off the light and closed the door.

I do not believe I have ever been this relieved to see a scene end.

As Buster was to go to his room, Ursula startled him. “Your sure know how to father a cub, Buster” She said.

Well yes, it is actually quite easy.  First you get the cloacae of the mated individuals in position and then rub them together while the male expels the sperm stored in his cloacal cavity.

“Indeed.  Fathering offspring is easy, being a dad is tough business.  Buster was obviously not up to that challenge.”

“What, oh yes. Well see you in the morning” Buster said. “Same here” Tesren said. Buster then went into his room and crawled into bed. Zira turned to face him with out words said and gave him a long passionate kiss.

*Eliza Yawns*

“Is it finally over?”

Indeed it is.

“Whew, that was really bad.  Remind me to make a nut pie for Taco for making me do this.  I’m going to go take a mud bath and a scalding shower to get the stench of this fic off me.  Would you mind finishing up here?”

Of course.  Well, patrons, this is your Supreme Emperor signing off.  Taco will be back next week, provided he can be peeled away from that game of his.

Until we meet again, dearest patrons!

Advertisements

82 Comments on “802: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Twelve”

  1. leobracer says:

    For the love of shit!

    Did tgis guy forget about what he wrote earlier?!

    This Tyrant had beaten up his own son a few chapters back, and now all of the sudden, they’re father-son bonding?!

    *Growls*

    Would you guys excuse me for a moment.

    *Runs into the Battle Armor, flies off to parts unknown*

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “M.A.N.C.A.N.D.I.E.?”

    *perks up*

    Mancandy? Where!?

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Nice or not, Darkwraiths do have a very keen sense of self-preservation when it comes to your cooking.

    Dammit, Eliza, why do you think I tossed all those The F-Word videos in your general direction?

    • TacoMagic says:

      Wait, is that why she’s been watching videos about the glamorous history of Figs this past week!?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Wait, what? When the fuck did she start looking at that?

        For Christ’s sake, I started with a video of Gordon Ramsay explaining how to make a Bakes Alaska! You know:

      • TacoMagic says:

        You know how Youtube is. You start off with Gordon Ramsey, then it suggests you watch a video of his caramelized figs, then it suggests a How It’s Made of figgy pudding… and before you know it you’re watching videos about fig farming in ancient Egypt.

  4. So, what would the audience rather read, the rest of this story, or a spin-off fiction that is just a twenty page conversation between the identification card and the access computer?

    I’ll take the spin-off, if you please.

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    You would save quite a lot of time if you had that on your desk rather than in the corner of the formless void.

    Truth be told, he probably needs the walking. Sitting on his ass all day can’t be good for his weight…

  6. The Crowbar says:

    I find this ponified Civ V game much more interesting that this story of lions and shit.

    By the way, I haven’t seen anything even remotely connected to Star Wars yet!

    • TacoMagic says:

      Wait for it. Waaaait for it.

      • The Crowbar says:

        By the way, I found out that Pinkie is a traitorous bastard.

        …Next time I’ll just conquer everyone.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        Take out Pinkie before the Atomic Age, you know what happened last time when Pinkie got her hooves on nuclear weapons…

      • The Crowbar says:

        The entire Earth is turning into a giant clusterfuck. 11 pony empires and Geth (me). Luna and Nightmare Moon (yes, two separate empires) are both bankrupt, Pinkie Pie and Trixie are constantly trying to kill Twilight, Celestia hates everyone except Discord, Discord loves everyone except Twilight…

        Oh, and Fluttershy, Twilight, and a few others have turned me into a soup kitchen!

        When I get my Primes, I will steamroll every single one of those ponies…

      • infinity421 says:

        That’s one hell of a game, Crowbar. Think you can link me to the ponycivs?

        My current game is me as England versus America, Poland, the Systems Alliance, Assyria, Venica, and Nazi Germany. I became an economic superpower early in-game and eventually absorbed Assyria and Venice into my empire following the nuking of Assyria’s northenmost territory. Everyone except me is bankrupt and my economy is slowly slipping.

        The only victory condition is domination. The SA and Hitler wiped each other out in the Industrial era. I am in a war with everyone, and have enough nukes to raze almost every city that isn’t mine. My navy blockades all other civs and prevents them from reaching any of my lands, while destroying any trade ships they try to send out.

        My soldiers are far more advanced than anything either of the two remaining AIs can throw at me. However, they both have enough land left to seriously bog down any conventional offensive. I continually strike at each in order to rip more land from them to fuel my war machine.

        Warsaw is about to be nuked and conqured by what I call my Subjugation Fleet. around 15 nukes, a shit tonne of stealth bombers, and XCOM in support with that OP paratrooping ability of theirs. Washington is going to be next if I don’t go bankrupt – at this point I am literally relying on Golden Ages to keep my economy afloat.

        Games like this are why I love civ.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh wow. That is one hell of a game you’re having there!

        And every single pony mod can be found if you write “pony” in the Workshop search. Rarity, Applejack civs don’t exist yet…

      • The Crowbar says:

        But I’ve never understood the actual benefit of nukes. I mean, they destroy the town and wipe out the population, and also cause fallout…

      • X Equestris says:

        Well, you can use the nukes on enemy troops as well. I always found them useful for taking out enemy cities that are built on single tile islands, since those can really hurt your troops, and you’ll get minimal benefit from them.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Coastal assaults were always a pain in the ass unless you have an armada literally surrounding the city…

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    By what trick of witchery does the cruel tyrant’s voice assault me from the heavens!? Speak, foul warlock, or shall I finally escape from your grasping clutches!

    Hey, there are giants just over there. See?

    *points at the windmill three feet away*

    • TacoMagic says:

      The best part about our comments section isn’t just the classical literary references, but also the fact that most people here are going to “get” them.

  8. Buster was wearing a Black Robe Uniform that indicated he was the King with two large strips that were woven into the zipper region of the silk toga.

    Togas don’t have zippers.

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “This way sir, my name is Dekitjav, the OSS informer.

    And now I’m having flashbacks to Jedi Qui-Gon’s “fanfiction”. Ah, the amount of named characters that did nothing in their respective fics…!

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It is also interesting to note that Buster has not been described beyond the color of his mane, yet now we are getting clothing pornography for his king suit.

    You think the author of Animagus Predator and Rare Animagus took notes from Viccy here?

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Buster said starting his Cuban cigar up from his ash trey.

    *spittakes*

    What the fuck is that doing there!?

    *goes into the fic, whacks the cigar out of Buster’s hands*

    Get your hands off that right now, you damn dirty Nazi! You do not get to sully my heritage just by touching anything from that culture!

    • erttheking says:

      I know the feeling. Just having the word Irish being in Hegemony vs the USA made me feel unclean.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        You guys remember that other fic by Captain Africa where the protagonist looks like a “Chinese war general blended into a teenage idol”? Ugh.

        (And as a side effect, now I’m imagining Chiang Kai-shek hitting on Devil Homura, great.)

  12. to protect them from an INer threat

    Wait, they call the bad guys “inners”?

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Well, in the Halo games the Insurrectionists are called “Innies”… then again the Halo games can actually string together two coherent sentences and not suffer a complete cognitive meltdown.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Suffice to say, supporting the Cuban government by paying for their imports does nothing to improve anyone’s opinion of you.

    Eh, there’s really not that much of a tongue lashing to give him here. I came across a shop in Vancouver that sold imported Cuban cigars, so I assume that Vic would think it normal to buy imported Cuban cigars in the rest of the world too. So really, I don’t have too much of a tongue lashing to give Victor over there.

    And all things considered, I’m going to break away from most other Cuban Americans when saying that the embargo probably helped Castro’s propaganda machine more than it deterred him. After all, it’s easier to say “blame America for my mistakes” when America refuses to trade with you to provide an alternate view of America for the people, yeah?

    • TacoMagic says:

      Fair enough. I didn’t know how you felt about the whole embargo thing, which is why it was left mostly alone. Good points though.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Yeah. Canada has somewhat better relations with Cuba than America, so for me it does make sense that Victor would be fairly blasé about the subject when writing in Cuban cigars.

        Fun fact: when one of my cousins went to Havana, he found a fun little outing called the “Muséo del Revolución”, or the Museum of the Revolution as we’d refer to it. In this museum is a wall called “The Wall of the Imbeciles” (I forget its original Spanish name), and… well, he took pictures. It’s essentially a series of caricatures of people that, according to the wall, have “forwarded the cause of the Revolution” through the power of their own stupidity. Fulgencio Batista is on the wall, of course, but other occupants on the wall include good ol’ Reagan and both of the Bushes.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Well, I don’t know much about Cuba, but one of the Iraqi bloggers I follow is pretty adamant that the trade embargo in the 1990s hurt the civilian population there a lot more than it did the Hussein government.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        It’s actually somewhat amplified in Cuba’s case. Cuba is not really a resource-rich island, which is one of the main contributing factors to its current poverty problem. (It’s currently illegal to kill cows and eat them without government permission, it’s so resource-poor.) The embargo didn’t really hurt Cuba that much back when the US imposed it on them: after all, when the embargo was first put in place Castro just turned to the Soviet Union for resources. Its real impact is now widespread there given that the USSR has been defunct for a little over two decades, but by the time the Soviet Union started breaking up the Castros’ propaganda machine had already been around for a while, so they just adapted to the situation.

        So really, the embargo has done jack shit to hurt the Castros, but quite a bit more to hurt Cuba itself. Oops.

  14. “Two words: Panther Puppies.”

    Ishi-sensei! I have a job for you! Bring the basket of spare parts!

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Poor unfortunate souls-

    Belruga Sevruga
    Come winds of the Caspian Sea
    Larynxes glossitis
    Et Max Laryngitis
    La voce to me!

    *sticks tongue out at Eliza*

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Yes they want my land. I tried an agreement with them for parts of the land but they just want it all!” Tesren muttered under his breath.

    Oh hello Neville Chamberlain! How nice to meet you!

    • erttheking says:

      You seem to have an opposite gender female clone in Subject 23. You may want to meet her so you can pathetically attempt to negotiate with obvious evil threats…wait what have the Nazis in this story done again?

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    Lessee here…

    The International Nazi(s) have still done nothing actually evil. We know they are invading the wolves, but since the wolves are allied with Buster I don’t think that counts. In fact…

    “Yes, he was a omega. He was my sweet heart before Tesren chose me over the rest of the pack females.

    This implies that in (anthro?)wolf culture, mating does not require the female’s consent and she just has to go along with it. That seems as good a reason to invade somebody as any.

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “This guy resembles a wolf who was banished, but the name is not coming to my lips at all”

    Oh, so you’re going to play the Pronoun Game too, huh?

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It’s called. ANGER, HATE, MAD, TRECHERIOUS AND UNFORGIVING Is We

    *snerk*

    So I suppose that we’re going to get this line of dialogue from that pack leader if Buster goes against him:

  20. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I see Herr’s new heat-seeking Alma attachment is working.”

    Indeed it is, Eliza.

    Now…

    *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

    Don’t ever try to steal my lines ever again, Crunchy!

  21. X Equestris says:

    So Buster gives us both diplomatic and military shenanigans in this chapter. And apparent hypocrisy.

  22. The Crowbar says:

    Wait a second!…

    Is Crunchy an actualy person or just one of Taco’s internet personas? I’m completely confused now.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Persona.

      Actually, the fact that you’re confused says I’m doing at least a passable job writing him. Which is heartening.

      Also, you can look forward to the new minions page we’re working on to help sort out this kind of confusion. We’ve been discussing it in the secret clubhouse and I can see that it is a needed thing.

      • The Crowbar says:

        YOU’RE Crunchy?!

        My whole life has been a lie!

      • TacoMagic says:

        Well, in the way that Ert is Goeth, anyway.

        It’s an interesting discussion. When you write your characters, you put them on as a persona in order to better write them, but at the same time, if you’re doing your job right as an author they are their own things and not really “YOU” in the way an internet persona can be.

        So, it might be more accurate to say that Crunchy is one of my characters. I write him, but he isn’t really me.

      • TacoMagic says:

        In actuality, I probably have more in common with Eliza. She’s easier to write than Crunchy is by a fair margin.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Well you had me fooled! I was positive that some other IRL person was “running” Crunchy.

      • The Crowbar says:

        You know what I meant by that.

        I always thought He was this occasional, slightly crazy commenter.

        I’ve wondered about the persona thing, but I think I’m not gonna create another character or anything…

        I mean, technically The Crowbar is already a sort of opposite personality. Not the crazy parts, but the ego parts. In real life, I get panic attacks when on stage.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Yeah, we call those “Sock-Puppets.” I don’t drag him out for commenting all that often, but it is me running him when he shows up. I just think it looks better aesthetically if he has his own account rather than having him talk in mine.

        Sorry to crush your world-view, guys.

      • Gumdrop says:

        Mr. Crunchy lie to Gumdrop? Gumdrop feel betrayed! And sleepy.

        Gumdrop go take nap now.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Great, now look at what you guys have done.

        Gumdrop! Crunchy is real, he just makes me wear a costume and pretend to be him because he’s so busy! Honest!

        Same goes for the Crunchys we visit at the mall during the Sithmas holiday season.

      • Gumdrop says:

        Yay! Gumdrop going to leave extra entrails for Mr. Crunchy this Sithmas Eve. And two buckets of Itchy’s special mulled blood!

      • erttheking says:

        I kind of had a feeling that Taco was Crunchy. Wasn’t a 100% sure though. More like 90% sure. Maybe 89%

  23. erttheking says:

    ….I have absolutely no fucking idea what’s going on.

  24. infinity421 says:

    Have any of you guys ever read a fanfiction that started off really well but ended up shooting itself in the foot later on?

    The God Particle started off pretty well but ending up devolving into Celestia worship and pro-authoritatrian wank, from what I remember. Or maybe it was A Different Viewpoint of Equestria. Probably one of those two.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s