663: The Fallen Lords – Episode One
Posted: March 24, 2014 Filed under: Medievia, The Fallen Lords | Tags: Lyle, MUD, TacoMagic, The Fallen Lords, Your Librarians Have Old Shames 126 CommentsTitle: The Fallen Lords
Author: TacoMagic
Media: MUD
Topic: Medievia
Genre: Not Listed
URL: Not available online
Critiqued by Lyle
Hello everyone!
I’m well aware that this is not My Immortal. Don’t worry, we’ll get back to that next week. I’m taking a little break from it to start up this lovely project. We’ll be alternating between that and this until I reach the end of one of them. Considering how Grod-awfully long My Immortal is, bets are that I’ll complete The Fallen Lords first.
Let’s get a little background. If you actually take the time to read the introductary list we start each riff with, you’ll notice the author of this peice is none other than our very own TacoMagic. *waves* Hi, bro! At his own suggestion, this old badfic was put up for snarking. As he is my brother, I felt it only right that I do my best to tear it to pieces.
This is a Medievia fic. Medievia is a text-based MUD from way back in the early to mid-1990’s. I’m not really versed in it as I never played, but I used to watch Taco play occasionally. Apparently all you really need to know is that it’s a fantasy world; magic, dragons, swords, that sort of fun. Very open-ended, there really isn’t a set plot we’re going from. So we won’t be worrying too much about canon in that sense as we dig through this fic.
With that, let’s get to it! *cracks knuckles*
Episode 1: Blood
Grayshore looked at the sky. Rain. He had been traveling for some time but the rain had only started hours before.
The thick rain had been little more than an annoyance at first, but now it was an outright problem. Since no town was in view it meant camping, something which is not very enjoyable in the rain.
I may be mistaken, but the four times rain is referenced makes me think it might be raining out. I could be wrong, though. It’s a good thing I sent the DRD on a scavenger hunt earlier today or we’d be getting a visit from them about now. I know you were young, but would it have hurt you to look at a thesaurus for another flippin’ word than “rain”?!
Grayshore sighed. Well I guess it’s better then one of those weird magic storms, he thought. The day before had become interesting when a magic storm had blown overhead and proceeded to defy gravity and other such magical nonsense. That had slowed the journey adding another day to the already long the trip.
I’m trying to picture how a storm could defy gravity. Magic is involved so I suppose it would be possible, but some description would be nice here. Was the rain falling up?
Checking the sky showed it to be getting late. Not that he could see the sun, but the general darkness of the sky showed the day to be running toward night.
Really?
We’re from a very rainy place, Taco and I. I’ve known days were the sky has remained a lovely, rolling slate-gray for the majority of the day. It’s dark. It’s practically impossible to determine if it’s noon or five in the evening. I call shenanigans on this one! You should know better!
With another sigh he set up camp, and tried to create makeshift shelter. Failing this, he decided to sleep up against a tree to keep at least some of the rain off him.
Do I need to bring Jon Lovitz out again?
Where’s the detail? The description? You’re telling, not showing. “He did this, he did that.” Don’t just tell us what he’s doing, actually describe how he failed! Holding a leaf over his head is about all I can image at this point, which makes Grayshore come off as a complete dip. That’s not helping his likeability as a protagonist.
Having been a boy of the city he wasn’t used to outdoors so it was natural that he be somewhat unskilled in making a proper camp.
Logical enough. I’ll allow it.
Being the son of a wealthy shoe maker didn’t help much either.
This, however, means nothing. Without further information, it wouldn’t matter if your dad was a wealthy shoemaker, or the resident lunatic wearing a sandwich board on the corner declaring aliens ate his feet. If you grew up in a city and never left, there’s a damn good chance you wouldn’t know how to camp regardless of your lineage.
However on his sixteenth birthday he decided to join the guild of warriors, which educated him in every form of physical combat know to man.
*incessant beeping goes off, the room flashing red*
Oh… Oh no… no, no, no… The Stu-dar has been tripped! Everyone, brace yourselves! Every form of physical combat known to man? Are you shitting me?
This knowledge was probably the most important he had ever absorbed, however his teaching seemed to fall just short of making a good shelter.
*facepalm*
The knowledge of how to fuck someone up three ways to Tuesday is more important than how not to die in a rainstorm? This guy needs to get his priorities straight!
Having eaten a meal of hard trail rations, which though good were a bit dry and tasted a bit like wood shavings, not to mention the texture, he decided to try to get some sleep.
*headdesk*
“It tasted horrible! But in a good way.”
Oh, Taco… am I going to be constantly subjected to contradictory commentary this entire thing?! If your definition of “good” involves tasting like wood shavings, we need to talk.
Even though it was raining, exhaustion won out over wetness and he eventually fell asleep.
Classic ploy of “character falls asleep, scene changes.” I remember over-using that many times in my younger writing days. I’m gong to be keeping an eye on Graystu to see if Narcoleptic-Scene-Changes are a common theme with him.
* * *
He looked out over the lake. Something moved out on it’s surface, not quite distinguishable yet, but it approached at a rapid speed. It seemed to be some sort of boat but at this distance he couldn’t be sure. Was that someone standing on it?
Its is possessive. It’s is a contraction of “it is.” I’m not hitting you yet, Taco, due to being related and due to this being written when you were quite a bit younger. But keep this up…
“Who are you,” Grayshore shouted out at the approaching figure.
*rifles through the spare punctuation box for a question mark* You’ve dropped something there…
Getting no answer he repeated the question. When a response failed to come he decided to ready his sword incase this figure was hostile in intent.
Because it couldn’t possibly be because he/she/it didn’t hear you over the rush of water created by the rapid approach. Let’s just get ready to hit it with a sword. Even if it wasn’t hostile, it will be now when it sees you ready to chop it up, dipshit.
As the boat came closer he saw it was made of wood that was completely red.
Redwood?
I thought we weren’t sure if it was a boat yet or not.
Dark as blood the wood seemed to radiate evil, such evil in fact the Grayshore had trouble looking at it.
Graystu can sense evil and kick its ass three ways to Tuesday. Fantastic.
Also, the boat had no visible signs of movement, no oars, no sail, nothing.
It’s moving across the water at a rapid pace. Obviously there are signs of movement. You mean no method at which to create movement. There’s a big difference.
This was not that big of a shock because he knew magic existed in the world, and who could say what was possible.
Then why even bring it up? If magic is common in the world, and commonly used to explain the peculiar, then it isn’t something to really ponder on, is it?
The figure in the boat however was a different matter entirely.
Entirely from what? From magic? From the fact that the boat had no physical mode of motion? From being evil?
It was a woman of such awesome beauty that Grayshore felt his heart speed in an unhealthy manner.
Awesome… beauty…
*snerk*
Seriously? Is the Sue-dar going to start sounding soon?
She was blond with gorgeous blue eyes, and a shapely figure. Of average height, she was probably the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was wearing a slight shift that didn’t hide as much as it showed.
Yup. Earplugs in, everyone. We have Awesome Beautiful Shapely Gorgeous Sue in the magical Blood Boat of Dooooom! The radar will sound in 3… 2… 1…
*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*
Grayshore felt his mouth go dry. “Hello,” he managed to get out. No reply.
No shit. You’re still holding your sword at ready, pointing it at the gorgeous woman-
That could have come out less dirty…
*coughs discreetly* Moving on…
The boat skidded up onto the bank, and his breath caught in his lungs. He saw that he had been wrong about the boat. It wasn’t blood colored. It was covered in blood. The boat was smeared with it. It was even smeared inside and he could see it pooling in the back of the boat.
We get it… it’s a bloody boat. Overkill much on the fact that there’s blood?
“Miss are you in trouble? If so I will gladly-“
Some description of how he’s speaking would be nice. Otherwise it would appear that he’s not overly phased. Or that dialogue is not his strong point as a standard person would probably be more like “Holy expletive, what he expletive is going on here?”
“Silence! If you only knew what you are about to do! You know nothing child.”
Oh, the drama.
If his stance is any indication, he’s about to skewer you with the sword he still hasn’t put away.
Now that was not exactly true he was just over twenty; child indeed!
A properly used semi-colon?! The fuck did that come from?!
“If you ever see me again you must run or I will kill you!”
*eyebrow raise*
Seems a bit much, doesn’t it?
“You don’t look that tough to me ma’am. But if you say so I will tread lightly in your presence”
The world is potentially huge. What are the chances of running into Blood Boat Babe often enough to have to tread lightly?
“Fool, you still don’t see it do you! You are already dead! How do you expect to live ever you kill your self at every move.”
“Now you’ve lost me. I’m not dead and what do you mean I kill myself?”
I’m with Graystu, here. What the hell are you rambling on about, lady?
She gave him a sorrowful look, “You give your blood to me.” She pointed at the boat. “The boat made of your blood given freely to me, but given too late.” A red bloom of blood appeared on her stomach. “Not even you could save me. Why did you give your blood? Why? You could live so easily, but you chose death!”
Welp, that settles it. She’s bonkers. Get your stuff and get out of there, Graystu, before some Carrie level shit goes down.
“Ma’am I still say I am not dead, but you appear to be…,” He looked her in the eyes and gasped. They were dead and staring, lifeless voids leading into eternal nothingness.
This is like watching an inde-film. You’re halfway between “What the hell is going on?” and “Should I be pretending I understand so I don’t come off less pretentious than everyone else?”
“You are dead!” The body crumpled into the boat, “Do not give your life for the dead. You have been warned. Your fate is your own,” The haunting voice of the dead woman shivered up his spine as it echoed and then faded.
And then it’s discovered that Graystu, in his wilderness-survival-incompetence, ate some questionable shrooms, explaining everything of the vague ‘da fuk?’ that just happened.
He sheathed his sword that he didn’t know he had drawn, and put his hand to his forehead.
*grabs his wrist, pulls the hand away, and then smacks it back against his forehead. Repeatedly.*
It said up there that you readied it because you didn’t know if the mystery thing in the possible boat object was hostile or not.
It was wet and sticky.
His sword was wet and sticky.
*snerk*
He pulled it away, and saw it was covered with blood. Astonished he looked for it’s source, since he hadn’t touched the woman. He found it quickly. He himself was covered in blood. Where did it come from, he wondered. He began to feel weak. This isn’t possible I never got hit. What the hell is going on! He sank to his knees feeling increasingly dizzy. He fell forward and hit…
Oh, goody. A dramatic ellipsis! I can just feel the anticipation.
He sat bolt upright and hit his head on a low branch. He was sweating heavily, and shaking considerably. After holding his head and swearing for about ten minutes he stood up and began to pack up for the journey.
Ten minutes of straight swearing? A bit overkill, don’t you think? I’m guessing that your perception of time was vastly different as a kid, Taco, because ten minutes is a really long fucking time to dwell on hitting your head on a branch.
A stupid dream was all it is.
Well, I suppose that does explain it but seriously? The “It was all a dream” cop-out?
But why was it so real?
Dreams always feel incredibly real when you’re dreaming.
He pondered this a while, but when no solution presented itself he decided it was best to start off. It was still a long way to go. He grabbed a ration and decided to eat and walk at the same time on his way.
Why do we not know what he’s doing out there and where he’s heading yet? It’s been almost a full chapter and we’re still just kind of… hanging out while Derpy-Stu wanders around and has bad dreams about bloody boats.
As he made his way to the Labyrinth he couldn’t help thinking about his dream again. Funny but he couldn’t seem to get the woman’s last words out of his head.
It seemed like a relatively trippy dream. I would imagine it isn’t that funny that he’d have trouble dismissing it from his mind.
“Do not give your life for the dead. You have been warned. Your fate is your own….”
And with that, we end Episode One of TacoMagic’s Badfic, The Fallen Lords!
That was fairly harmless, actually. Definitely not the worse piece of poop we’ve dealt with here, but it’s always fun to tear apart one another’s work. Until next week, keep your swords in your pants!
Library of the Damned 
Yay! It’s the realm of ye old shames, everyone!
*cheers*
Now let’s hope it’s not as terrible as Twenty Warriors. ‘Cause that would suck if it did…
I’m seriously starting to think about bringing up one of my old shames. Not Fighting For a Purpose V2, it’s a little too long. The classic one might work though.
I’m kinda sad now that I never really went through a fanfic-writing stage. I think I have a grand total of one fic posted to FF.net.
All my old shames died with my old computer. None of them ever made it to the internet, and it was honestly for the better that it never happened, because they were TERRIBLE.
There is a lemonfic in the Naruto fandom that my sister wrote way back when that ended up getting her suspended from school and permabanned from FF.net once, but I don’t even begin to remember what that one was called, so I don’t imagine it’ll ever find its way here.
The lemon in question didn’t get me banned, it got me forbidden to use it by the parental units. And that was only because I had a snitchy classmate who got mad when I didn’t let him read it.
Also I think it was either “A Cold Wind and a Cherry Blossom” or one of my Hunchback of Notre Dame-songfics involving Sasuke Uchiha and a prototype OC.
It was a bit serendipitous that I found this. I’m building a backup server with my new Raspberry PI and decided to sort through my ancient backup from my first computer. I found a folder in that backup called “Stories.”
The folder has been renamed: “Old shame.” Not only did it have The Fallen Lords in it, but several other little shame pustules. I singled out this one for riffing because I actually did post it online at one point. I don’t think it’s there anymore since I think Medievia culled out their fanfiction section back in 2003, but it might still be up somewhere.
EDIT: Actually, they must have re-instated their fanfiction section, because I just Googled and found it on Medievia’s site. Yup, my old shame is still somewhat public!
*le gasp*
Link us to it, Taco!!!!
Here’s the first chapter:
http://www.medievia.com/ms/fallen.html
Not sure where the rest of it is. Their archive is not straight forward at all, so I’ll have to hunt around for it when I get more time.
I think I remember that, back in the day, only the first chapter was actually published in the mudslinger and the rest was on their fanfiction/fanart page. I’ll have to see if they have that page in archive somewhere.
*opens link*
*snerk*
Vasago? That was your username back then?
*snorts, then falls over*
You know, that username would be great as the name of a Vagisil competitor…
It’s actually a reference to a Prince of Hell in the Lesser Key of Solomon who was named Vassago (My sire misspelled it when he created the character).
It was actually a character that was given to me as part of Medievia’s legacy system (a fully-leveled character can create children characters who can be given to new players; all players in any legacy receive bonuses based on how many generations the legacy is). Was a neat system, and I played that character for about 5 years before eventually moving on to the Aardwolf Mud.
Our specific legacy was based on the demons from the Lesser Key of Solomon (those that weren’t already taken, anyway) with some of the other demons from various mythologies tossed in.
Aaaaah…
I see…
(Still sounds like a Vagisil competitor to me, though. Jesus, I need to get my mind out of the gutter, pronto…)
16th century demonologists were dirty, dirty men.
If you look at the full listing of the 72, about half of them seem vaguely suggestive: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lesser_Key_of_Solomon
Hehe, “Forneus,” wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
And of course, half of these things show up in SMT in some way. Fun times for all.
But yeah, some of ’em are crazily suggestive. (Glasya-Labolas. Heh.)
I wouldn’t be surprised if SMT was where the idea came from. My sire was a huge fan of JRPs and had an extensive import collection. I’d bet he had the first two SMT games.
Actually, now that I think about it, assuming he was a huge SMT fan makes a lot of the name choices he made very obvious.
As I recall, I once wrote two different Harry Potter fanfics, before I got completely and utterly tired of that fandom. One was (allegedly) a comedy, written in script format, and the other was more serious, including two author inserts representing my sister and myself. She had a thing for Draco, which I didn’t realize was so common back then.
It would be amazing if I could come up with those two pieces of dreck for riffing, but I’m sure they’re lost in the sands of time, and I’m certainly not going to ask my family members about them.
My feeling is that the winds were replaced with the sounds of Idina Menzel belting a showtune or something…
Meh, I like to think that Chris Angel was just twiddling his fingers and making the train fall in a spiral-pattern.
But you wouldn’t be able to make a Wizard of Oz reference that way!
Hey, right now, I’m still trying to find an appropriate fail train picture to go with my phone’s newest dipshittery.
Ah! Oh no!
*hides behind Fraug*
Save me, Fraug!
Every form of martial art ever – plus kickboxing!
:headdesk:
Why do so many Stus/Sues feel the need to have ten thousands ways to kick someone’s ass? Most of them can barely handle one way.
Well, on the bright side, we can at least hope that Graystu here isn’t any worse than Kye-Stu in that regard…
Kye-Stu did set an impressively high benchmark of failure.
In this case I might be able to give myself a bit of a pass here. “Every combat known to man” within the confines of Medievia at that time really only included swords, maces, spears, axes, and daggers. So it doesn’t mean the same thing within the confines of canon as it does in the real world. There is never any indication that martial arts of any kind exist within the realm of Medievia. There weren’t even any ninjas, which is kinda sad.
That said, there was apparently no way I could have included that information in the fic to establish that Graystu’s vision of “every combat” was actually much narrower than indicated. And it still doesn’t make any sense that he’d be able to master all five of the primary canon weapons in a short four years.
Sports Shades is much the same way – but the difference is, I wrote that detail as an intentional joke, because god forbid the Specs and Co. actually be taken seriously and not as the hilaribad Mary Sues they all blatantly are.
10,000 ways to kick someone’s ass = more “badassery” than just those “boring real life” punches.
That is exactly the explanation behind Sports Shades, believe it or not. He does everything as cool and as flashy as possible just for the sake of solidifying how much more awesome than you he is.
You can see now why I wrote him as a JOKE character, right?
Honestly, I’ve always thought Sports Shades was serious business.
Oh, he is.
Or, that’s what he’d like you to believe, in any event.H
Wait…why am I being hidden behind? I don’t carry around comically large amounts of weapons. Or ride about in battle armor.
Hmmm…perhaps I should fix that, given the insanity that seems to crop up around here.
On a more serious note, I should point out that the Liechtenauer tradition of armed and unarmed combat qualifies as a martial art by any sane definition of the term. And yes, it includes techniques for sword, spear, mace, dagger, and messer. Less so in the way of axe technique, but it does contain technique for pollaxe, halberd, etc. And you’d best believe there’s an unarmed component as well. Ott the Jew’s wrestling techniques are still incredibly relevant and effective.
Sorry to go off like that, but the concept that all martial arts are Eastern is a bit of a pet peeve of mine (mostly cause I used to think that way). Just about every fighting culture I can think of develops a martial art. The Eastern traditions are just particularly interesting in that they tend to have unbroken lineages, in contrast to, say, the Europeans, who tended to let each art fall to the wayside as weapons technology evolved.
Unfortunately, around the time I played Medievia, “Unarmed” was not an included combat skill. You either used a martial weapon (the five I mentioned) or you used a wand/staff to augment your magical abilities. If you went without a weapon, you had a 5% chance to hit stuff. End of story.
It was an oddity because most mobiles were unarmed, with weapons that only existed in the physical description. One of those “do as we say, not as we do” kind of things.
It’s been 10 years, so maybe they eventually fixed this. Even weirder because “unarmed” is a Diku standard skill. So they must have hidden it to specifically prevent unarmed combat. Maybe they thought it was unbalanced, I don’t know.
You happened to be on hand, Fraug! Who else was I gonna hide behind, Freddy Kreuger?
Wait! Fraug. Freddy. They both start with an F!
Coincidence? I think NOT!
Only in your dreams, Herr, only in your dreams.
Though that would seem to be a poor tactical position even then.
Mmm. I think we might have been talking past each other, Taco. Part of my point was that the skill of using martial weapons is a martial art in of itself.
I can’t blame them for omitting unarmed as a fighting style. Realistically, if you don’t have a weapon and the other guy does, you’re at a massive disadvantage. Not insurmountable, but it is an uphill battle, and there’s really no reason to represent it, given that most PCs are professional adventurers (I assume), and would have a weapon on hand. Of course the realistic interplay of different weapon types would be a HARD thing to gamify. Reality isn’t balanced.
I was mostly addressing your second point. But yes, martial arts is formally all inclusive, but does tend to be colloquially used to specifically reference unarmed combat (and as we know, language adapts to common use and not the other way, like the everyday misuse of “beg the question” being widely accepted, despite being entirely wrong).
Medievia had really good weapon interplay, but I have serious doubts that they reflected any kind of realism.
See, if this were a French opera, we’d then get a bunch of water nymphs going in serenading him to sleep or something.
I don’t know why I mentioned that, but… I thought it would be fun to mention.
On the plus side, he doesn’t mind getting a little damp. That puts GreyStu ahead of BRSue in points.
Mm… That is true.
Yeah, but Greystu here keeps bouncing between wallowing in how miserable it is out, and being OK with it. Consistency, man!
Yeah, at least Jack in Twitanic is consistently moody and depressed. I think that’s his only good point.
*tilts his head to the side*
A slight shift? What the hell kind of clothing article is that?
She’s wearing a shift key?
This is one of those rare occasions where one must wonder if it wouldn’t have killed me to go pick up a thesaurus.
I’m assuming what I wanted to say was sheer shift. One of these:
Well, at least she wasn’t wrapped in a dirty dustsheet the way My Friend Erda the Green-Faced Torso was in the first Bayreuth Telecast…
Wait, he learned every martial art known to man over the course of four years!?
*headdesk*
The Stu is very, very strong with this one…
Maybe he did it Matrix-style and just downloaded everything directly into his brain. I’m sure there’s plenty of room.
So you’re proposing that these guys had the Matrix even though this is a knights-and-sorcery story?
Um… no.
I’ve seen weirder things happen.
Yeah, this is why I pick on authors for not looking beyond the video game mechanics; I used to do the same damn thing.
Sure, in game you can learn every single form of combat in about three months. But it doesn’t make any damn sense within the context of an actual work of fiction. Apparently it would have been too hard to either make him older, or just a simple knight. Badassery and all that.
Maybe some sorcerer who was frustrated of his Stuness attempted to give him a massive migraine by sticking all of it in his head at once?
That would only be true if this had been written by GhostKitten. Back in the day I used magic to fix everything.
I admit… I hate it when people fix something/see something, and say: Magic
“When in doubt, magic.”
So, you created an entire magic system to fix this problem? Cool! Can you tell me all the intricacies of your syst-
“MAGIC!“
*Hefts his mini-crowbar*
No convenience magic… Please.
I was young and stupid and convenience magic is a seductive mistress; it was so ridiculously easy to just say “because magic!” instead of putting actual thought into something. I’ve gotten better.
Yay! That means I wont have to whack anyone today!
Wait, Ghostie, wouldn’t it be “seductive mister” in your case?
As for the magic thing, for the longest time, SChild thought of it as some thing with literally no rhyme or reason, so magic was either the answer or cause of all problems.
In a way, it still is, though I’ve gotten a hell of a lot better at explaining why when Ig that route.
…Or maybe Ghostie doesn’t like misters?
I sure as hell would take a seductive mistress over a mister.
For those of you just tuning in, I’ve switched from my phone to my keyboard. You can tell because instead of autocorrecting my words into a jumbled, innuendo-inspiring mess, they are instead getting partiallty deleted and crammed into other words, because my keyboard is a bigger dipshit than my phone somehow.
Could be either – I’m an equal opportunity writer ;)
You know, I actually tend to like it when people use technology or magic in interesting ways to solve problems. The training magic or implanted memories is actually not a bad concept. But it can’t be a one-off. It really needs to fit with the universe and have effects inside the universe.
Also, when it comes to magic, if you want it to solve problems, it had better damn well have rules. Ones with consequences and limitations. My opinion on the matter, anyway.
Indeed. My rule of thumb is that a magical system needs to have every bit as much thought put into it, possibly even more, than the main protagonist does. There is nothing I love more than a well thought-out magic system. Which is why slapdash magic systems tend to piss me off.
The problem is that in the greater percentage of fics, magic is just a button with the word “PLOT” written on it in glitter encrusted letters.
Yeah, I like technological explanations more too, but only if they’re well explained, like the Mass Effect Codex system.
A boat, made out of blood. A chick, covered in blood, and Derpy-Stu gets a coating of blood as well. This fic is gushing like the Overlook Hotel’s elevator.
BUT GHOSTIE! BLUD IS SUPAR DARK ADN MISTERIOUS!!!1!
:smacks Taco with a rolled-up newspaper:
No! Bad Taco!
Everything made of blood (including the fucking BOAT) just screams of “LOOK AT ME, I’M SUPER WEIRD AND MYSTERIOUS AND SO MUCH DIFFERENT THAN OTHERS”
:
Oh, my word. GrayStu isn’t much of a ladies’ man if the mere sight of a woman gives him arrhythmia.
My guess is that the warriors guild wasn’t co-ed, otherwise he’d probably have keeled over from cardiac arrest during the horse riding lessons.
Or during unarmed combat practice.
Or during the inevitable beer-guzzling competitions.
Come on, you know it would have to happen. It’s a WARRIOR’S GUILD.
All it would take is for one of the lady-knights to spill her drink down the front of her slight shift and poor GreyStu would be deader than a doornail.
But if he survived… Imagine the feeling when he gets to have fun times with one.
I don’t think he’d survive the disrobing portion of sexy times. Probably just drop stone dead at the first nipple.
Y’know, for a Stu Greyshore is surprisingly fragile.
Yeah…just shoot him with a depleted-libidium tipped arrow.
My wasn’t that just a terrible Freudian joke. On about three levels too…though one of them is arguably Jungian.
*Groan*
Don’t make us put you back in your box, Fraug.
I’ve been in a few boxes, but none of them was mine! Eeeyo!
And the Freudian jokes keep rolling along.
The real tragedy here was that this was based on a (at the time) new weather mechanic in the game. One of these weather systems you could encounter was the magic storm and they were pretty awesome… if you could survive them. Gravity would turn all screwed up so you’d slam into the ceiling (or float up in the air for a few rounds and then come crashing down). Pink lightning, purple fog, crap changing into frogs for a few seconds. It was pretty sweet.
Good thing I didn’t describe it here though. Would hate to think other people would know what the hell it is I’m talking about. Seriously, that’s all I thought that magic storms needed!? A “good thing it wasn’t magic… BUT LET’S NOT DWELL ON THAT!”
I’m thinking old me deserves the moniker: TacoMoron.
TacoMoron, meet Herr Dumbass. You and he would get on pretty well, methinks.
Ye gods, the purple prose that could result from such a meeting. It boggles my mind.
Herr Dumbass would have insisted that TacoMoron include more support characters in his fic, while TacoMoron would criticize HD’s lack of symbolic dream sequences.
The crazy thing, I totally would have made him involve more characters, too!
And use every single setting from the game at the same time.
Meanwhile, StupidC would be in the corner busily writing Mary Sue after Mary Sue after Mary Sue in one colossal clusterfuck of a DBZ-inspired “story” involving as many references as possible to things as well-known as WoW and stuff that I happened to stumble across, like that series of Anima pictures on DA.
You know, SC, that fic would be a smidge better if you had a prophetic dream about the Horde killing everyone.
Fun fact: That actually happened. Shortly before a Final Fantasy-esque guy whose name I can’t possibly remember or pronounce showed up and epic-bombed them into submission.
And also, by Anima picture series on DA, I mean the painstakingly beautiful work of user Wen-M, like this guy.
Li’l Silky would be all like, “Needs more romance!” “Still needs more romance!” and “Who cares about all this video game crap? Make them kiss already!”
There is a very good reason I hate seeing prophetic dreams in fics. It’s because I used to do it all the freaking time. Don’t know how to move the plot along? DREAM SEQUENCE! Need to give the character some motivation to do something? DREAM SEQUENCE! Need to build some mystery with vagueness? DREAM SEQUENCE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
:hands Taco a paper bag:
Deep breaths, Taco.
*Hyperventilates into the bag*
Why did I think it was good writing? I know! Let’s find out with a DREAM SEQUENCE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
*Taco collapses from acute hypoxia*
:nudges Taco with toe of boot:
Umm, Taco? You okay?
Shinobi-san, bring the Sharpies!
Waay ahead of you. I had Aethon bring me in new painters
*looks down at Taco and gives the painters a satisfied nod*
You might want to have them change into clothes that aren’t so brightly colored so that Gumdrop doesn’t mistake them for candy again.
…Ghostie… They ARE brightly colored. It’s their skin. If you looks closely, it’s transparent enough to see their insides.
But don’t worry.
I have an empire spanning the local galactic supercluster to choose from.
If a few painters go missing, meh’
There’s trillions of others waiting in line.
:squints:
Ewww!
:pokes painter:
They’re so squishy! Like one of those water willies.
Well, maybe you’ll now notice the metal exoskeleton surrounding them.
And the giant serrated blades they like to use on people to threaten them…
*Looks at a painter sneaking behind Ghostie while retracting the painting tools and extending the blades*
Also, I should have mentioned they don’t like poking.
I rather like the transparent skin. It is quite like a little preview of mealtime.
*Puts on his bib and pulls out a lightsaber shaped like a can-opener*
The requisite exercise also helps build the enjoyment of one’s repast. Perhaps not as delectable as a carefully fed apprentice, but then what can compare to that?
:poke!:
:poke!:
:poke!:
But this is so much fun!
:feels tap on shoulder:
:FWOOSH!:
Oops. Sorry, it’s a reflex.
*sigh*
…
*Deals with the painters before they go berserk on Ghostie*
Well, Crunchy, if you wanted calamari stew, this is your chance.
*Shakes his head, and calls in another batch of painters*
Interesting factoid: Graystu isn’t an author-insertion for this fic. It was actually a character that didn’t exist at the time of the writing (I think somebody else registered the character name after I made the fic, which is kinda sad).
Now, shameful as it is to admit, I DO have an author-insertion in this train-wreck, he just doesn’t show up until later, and he’s a pretty big Stu as well.
There’s another Stu in this thing?!
You’ll be glad to know that it’s pretty short. Which makes it kind of impressive how quickly both characters reach the Stu event horizon.
Oh dear.
*hides*
I’m gonna hide from the iincoming Stu train…
There’s actually quite a few of them, yes. As I mentioned to Lyle in the clubhouse, most of the protagonist and supporting characters (minus Greystu) were people in my guild, so I wrote most of them as Stus/Sues at some level.
Does it look something like this?
I was thinking it would punch a hole through the middle of the Empire State Building, but I guess that works too.
As hilarious as the pictures are, there is very little variety for me when looking for fail train pics on the internet.
Other fun factoid: This fic DID have a beta reader. I still have the corrections sheet that she provided me saved in the same folder that I found this.
I still wish I had the rough draft of this thing. By the number of corrections bulleted out in the correction sheet, it was much, much worse. At one point there’s a scene where one character had drawn her sword three times… without sheathing it between them. Another scene had one of the characters randomly show up via SDQF, leave the room, and then SDQF himself back into the room to speak some lines to everyone.
Holy shit, man! As bad as I described my stuff as being, I was still able to keep better track of what my characters were doing than that!
This fic is honestly a nice snapshot of me doing absolutely EVERYTHING that I give fic authors a hard-time about.
It all stems from the fact that I didn’t do any prep work. None. Wrote the whole thing in one evening just off the top of my head. It was me being stupid and lazy and going “I CAN WRITEZ GUD!”
It’s amazing that I even bothered having anyone look at it. It’s a small miracle that I actually did drafts with as little other work and thought as I put into it.
No joke, I was the same way. I just write so slowly that I end up doing multiple drafts without even intending to because I catch the mistakes as I’m making them.
Going full stream of mind, my average typing speed is 60 wpm (Mudding a lot really gets your typing speed up there). Lets me type faster than my brain can actually process what I’m doing.
Which actually explains much of what is going on with this fic.
When I say that I write slowly, I mean that I’m extremely prone to procrastination. When I’m actually tying, I’m a whirlwind. If I’m not focusing on the words I’m writing, I can easily boost my WPM up to a max of 210.
When I AM focusing on what I’m writing, it’s something like 80.
No, I actually don’t have texting fingers, I’ve just always been a fast typer.
This is the edited version?
:headdesk:
And this was my approximated reaction…
Just like how My Immortal is the edited version, where Raven told Tara that a couple of words were spelled wrong in that one chapter.
Apparently the spelling and grammar were way, way worse in the unedited version.
So far as the plot is concerned, well, the beta reader in question was just shy of 16, so that may have been why she didn’t whack me over the head and tell me to delete the damn thing.
When did you bring him out the first time? That’s Phil Hartman.
Hachi Machi! You’re right!
Lyle’s got some ‘splaining to do.
I’m bad with names, and the Internet told me it was Lovitz. All I did was Google “Oh, really?”
That’ll teach me not to believe what I read on the internets.
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