1469: Celebrian – Part Five

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Sacrilege
URL: Celebrian
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

*** WARNING: The following riff contains some of the most horrifying rape scenes ever encountered within the halls of this Library. If dendrophilia, biastophilia, erotic humiliation, sadism, masochism, narratophilia, teratophilia, salirophilia, cum inflation, kidnapping, sexism, slavery, or victim shaming/blaming bother you even a little bit, this riff may not be for you. ***

[Kitty groans as she sits down next to Fury again with a bucket of popcorn in one arm and a soda in her free hand.]

Kitty: Hi, Patrons. We’re back with more Celebrian. Sadly we still aren’t very far at all through it.

Fury: Reading ahead is dreadful for riffing, is it not?

Kitty: Shut up, you. I could be writing the fifteen or so responses I owe on Reign right now. Or polishing part one of the supplemental trashfic so that the elf torture makes more sense. Trissy is excited to read it!

Fury: Trissy?

Kitty: My favorite reviewer, Triskaideka. Such lovely concrit…

Fury: Focus.

Patrons, in our previous installment, we watched the goblin king attempt to murder Celebrían by way of blunt force trauma resulting in massive internal damage, only to discover that Celebrían is in fact made of an unknown and incredibly resilient stretching material. Likely silly putty.

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1434: Celebrian – Part Four

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Sacrilege
URL: Part Two
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

*** WARNING: The following riff contains the beginning stages of the most horrifying rape scene ever encountered within the halls of this Library. If dendrophilia, biastophilia, erotic humiliation, sadism, masochism, narratophilia, teratophilia, salirophilia, kidnapping, sexism, or slavery bother you even a little bit, this riff may not be for you. Also, there’s a picture of a dildo later on. So. ***

(*Lyle adds whiskey to her tea in preparation for formatting and proofreading*)

[After much offscreen shouting and cursing, Kitty is bodily flung into the Booth. Fury is already seated; Tarak is noticeably absent.]

Kitty: I wrote one fic. One.

Fury: If even my descendants took offense, you deserve to have your writing time refocused. Sit down.

Kitty: [complying grudgingly] It wasn’t even about them. It was about Wacraft characters.

Fury: Is this the story you refer to as the ‘trashfic’?

Kitty: No, it’s supplementary. And more immediately dark and [finger quotes] “problematic.”

Fury: Then you deserve to be here. Sit down.

Apologies, Librarians. Kitty has been shirking her responsibilities by hiding behind truly horrendous Warcraft fanfiction. She claims to have become temporarily drunk on the commentary–

Kitty: It was all so lovely and constructive…

Fury: –but that does not excuse her neglect.

In our previous installment of this atrocity, Celebrían performed fellatio on the goblin king – spitting upon the laws of physics and physiology in the process – and wound up quite literally drenched head to toe in seminal fluid. We halted in the midst of the disturbingly catlike bath Celebrían proceeded to give herself with her hands and tongue.

Kitty: [shuddering and already very green] Let’s get this next part over with, okay?

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1330: Celebrian – Part Three

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre:  Sacrilege
URL: Part Two
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

*** WARNING: The following riff contains the beginning stages of the most horrifying rape scene ever encountered within the halls of this Library. If dendrophilia, biastophilia, erotic humiliation, sadism, masochism, narratophilia, teratophilia, salirophilia, kidnapping, sexism, or slavery bother you even a little bit, this riff may not be for you. ***

[Tarak is in the process of propping Kitty upright in her seat as we return to the Snark Booth. Fury has defied his native canon’s laws of physics and removed the trash can from the room despite the fact that he should not be present enough in this realm to physically interact with objects here. Clearly Kitty’s present inability to remember this is being abused at this point in time.]

Fury: Perhaps we should not have struck her quite so hard.

Tarak: Nonsense. She needed the break.

[Kitty giggles and mumbles incoherently as she slumps against Tarak’s shoulder.]

Tarak: That in mind, it really is time we renewed our efforts here.

[Tarak very ceremoniously shoves Kitty onto the floor again. Somehow the jolt wakes her up rather than knocking her completely unconscious again.]

Kitty: [still on the floor] You, sir, are a jackass.

Tarak: Consider that your reward for the scrap writing I discovered on your cellphone.

Kitty: [crawling into her chair again] Okay, nothing on my phone is even canon at this point in time. And it’s very rude to read through a lady’s private writings.

Tarak: You are not a lady, and preemptive punishment is a time-proven method of preventative action. Shall we continue?

Kitty: Brute.

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1323: Celebrian – Part Two

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre:  Sacrilege
URL: Part Two
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

*** WARNING: The following riff contains the beginning stages of the most horrifying rape scene ever encountered within the halls of this Library. If mutations, malformations, warty dicks, hairy dicks, lust potions, verbal abuse, sexism, or slavery bother you even a little bit, this riff may not be for you. ***

[We return moments after the previous riff. Tarak is fastidiously wiping a few last traces of blood from his hands with wet wipes provided by Kitty, who is also holding a trash bin up for him to toss said wet wipes into once he’s finished with them. Fury is sitting with his chin cupped in his hand and drums the fingers of his free hand against the arm of his chair… or appears to do so, at any rate.]

Kitty: So the cleaning bill may or may not come out of my pocket. Thanks.

Tarak: [tossing his last wet wipe away] I did what I deemed to be necessary.

[Kitty mutters something to the effect of, “story of your life,” as she puts the trash bin away.]

Tarak: I beg your pardon?

Kitty: Nothing.

Welcome back, Patrons. Or not, as the case may be. You’ve found yourself in the middle of part two of my riff of Celebrian. In part one, Celebrían was brought before the goblin king (thankfully not the one from Jackson’s Hobbit adaptation), stripped, given a washcloth bath, and stuffed into silky bondage gear. For some reason she has purple nipples and labia. The goblin king’s dick shows signs of being infested with literally every STD and congenital disease ever to exist.

Fortunately, we were able to end the first part without reaching the first rape scene. Unfortunately, that means we’ll be diving straight into the first rape scene today.

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1316: Celebrian – Part One

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre:  Sacrilege
URL: Part One
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

The world is changed.

I feel it in my heart. I hear it in my mind. I see it in my reflection. Much that once was is lost, for nothing now remains within me that is not forever marred by the horrors I have witnessed.

A Shadow has come to the Library — a dark, rancid monstrosity that oozes into the mind and burrows into the heart, there to fester and rot away for all of time. It is a shadow that has haunted all of us here who knew before of its presence, lingering, lurking in the darkest corners of our minds like a storm upon the far horizon. Now it has found us and come to us upon my shoulders.

Patrons. Librarians. Guests. Friends. Acquaintances both good and not so good: You should not have come here.

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