1227: The Hammer Effect: Chapters 30, 31 & 32

Title: Hammer Effect
Author: Kamzil118
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)/ Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi
URL:  Chapter 30, 31, & 32
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: Is this over yet?

Nora: No, can’t say it is.

Ert: Guh. It’s far from the worst thing reviewed on the Library, Hell it’s far from the worse thing I’ve reviewed myself. But it’s just so fucking BORING! Nothing happens! The author’s attempts to be cool are laughable, and his attempts to be funny are cringe inducing. His attempts to be sexy involve him talking about Lt. Stu “Releasing the feeling of his penis” for fuck’s sake! It’s just sheer agony to read from all of the concentrated stupidity. At least From Another World started out with sustainable prose thanks to it’s plagiarism. What I’m saying is, if more crappy fanfic authors could plagiarize more so that my job is more bearable until I realize that you’re plagiarizing and I start screaming my head off over that, that’d be grand.

Cornelia: Be careful what you wish for Ert.

On the Edge of Heresy

Ert: No. He crossed the Heresy line a long time ago.

The Vraks

General Siegfried sat in his cell while he was with his gas mask and his uniform on. Across from him was Farseer Lofn.

“Well this is better than I expected.” Stated the general.

Nora: I’ve got my mask and I can still release my penis, I’m good.

“Better? How is this better? We’re in jail together for fucking each other in your room.”

“The Interrogator-Chaplain could have ended both of us with a bolter round in our heads.” Lofn thought about it for a moment.

Ert: The Emperor outlawed hostility towards Xeno and Farseer Lofn isn’t under Imperial jurisdiction, but this is still happening because the author doesn’t give a fuck about the continuity that he himself came up with. So he doesn’t care about Mass Effect lore, 40k Lore, or his own lore. The author just doesn’t fucking care.

“You do prove a point. Do you know what could happen to us?”

Cornelia: How is “It could be worse” a good point? The Emperor flat out said he outlawed hating Xeno. This feel less like a situation where Lt. Stu should be afraid for his life and more like one where the narrator should be saying, “How will Batman get out of this one?

“Knowing that I just ‘consorted’ with a xeno, it depends. It could go from hanging, burned alive, to firing squads.”

Ert: *Crosses fingers* Death by burning, death by burning, death by burning.

“Like that makes me feel better.”

“Well at least we know what we’re facing.” Lofn chuckled.

Nora: I chuckled because the prospect of being killed is so amusing. I appear to be suffering brain damage.

“I shouldn’t have had that seventh drink.”

“Seventh?”

“Yeah, I had seven glasses.”

“No you didn’t. You had fifteen. Most of them were above the halfway line.”

Ert: Oh Christ help me. The author is trying to be funny.

“It just tasted so good. I couldn’t help it.”

“Yes you could, you just didn’t resist.”

“Like you didn’t resist when I was ‘cleaning’ your weapon.”

Cornelia: Of all of the innuendos for oral, that’s the weakest I’ve ever heard. Sucking your sausage, Licking your lollypop, taking your package, Santa is coming, try harder.

“We were both drunk and let’s end that there.” A voice outside of the cell shouted.

Nora: And by that I mean, you end it there. I reserve the right to bring it up every three seconds. I mean clearly I was ok at implying you wanted my dick, but I don’t want you implying anything because I’m an asshole.

“Both of you shut up about your heresy!” Stated an Imperial navy officer who had to work at this time.

Ert: But I’m an Eldar.

Nora: Look the author wants to go down this nonsensical path, ok? There’s only a few chapters left in this story so just hang on until then

Terra

The Emperor of Mankind sat on his throne while he was looking through the long list of things he had to do for the Imperium.

Cornelia: Of which we’ve seen nothing because for some reason Lt. Stu was deemed the more interesting protagonist. I’m not sure which is more terrifying, the idea that the author honestly thought that the Emperor was more boring than Lt. Stu or the thought that he was RIGHT! If that’s the case, how boring would the author have made the Emperor’s story?

An Adeptus Custodes stepped forward to see him.

“What is it?” Asked the Emperor.

“Sire, your Rogue Trader has been consorting with a xenos witch.”

“They are not witches, they are Farseers. There is a big difference. What about it?”

Ert: I keep telling you guys to not treat them like enemies and you keep doing it anyway. Wow. It’s almost like EVERYTHING I DO AND SAY IS FUCKING MEANINGLESS BECAUSE I’M BARELY IN THIS STORY!

“It happens to be General Siegfried of the Death Korps of Krieg.”

“Shit, get my ship ready and let’s get over there. I do not want him to die.”

Nora: You’re the only one.

“Sir, he performed sexual intercourse with Farseer Lofn.” If the Emperor had his skin back, he would have raised his eyebrows.

Cornelia: And this is punishable by death. For some reason. Seriously what is the logic behind this. Lofn has been hanging around with Lt. Stu ever since the story began, Eden Prime coexists with a Craftworld, but knob to twat contact still calls for death.

“Eldrad’s granddaughter. Well that is definitely news.”

“Sir, are you going to punish him?”

“Of course not, I’m going to congratulate the general.”

Nora: Because I, the Emperor of all of mankind, act like a high schooler who thinks that scoring is proving masculinity.

“Why sir? It is wrong to have sexual intercourse with a xeno as much as it is to speak to them.”

Nora: And clearly I have selectively tuned out all of your recent teachings in favor of the ones I really like.

Cornelia: You know this might’ve actually been clever if it was drawing a comparison between the Imperium’s attitude towards Xenos and how some Christians use their faith to justify their hatred towards homosexuals, but I doubt the author is talented enough to connect the to.

“If I was in his position I would have fucked her as well. Especially when this angers Farseer Eldrad more. Now let’s get my ship and pimp my ride, I have a general to save.”

Ert: Annnnnnnnd the Emperor has clearly been replaced by a 13 year old’s idea of what cool is. “And then the Emperor fucked them bitches, and drove off in his 200 wheel monster truck before beating up Derek from school! FUCK YOU DEREK! I’m not gay you’re gay!”

Author’s Note: I intentionally made it short since I wanted to have a laugh with this.

Nora: Well no one is fucking laughing.

Just on Time

Cornelia: Look ma! No dramatic tension!

The Vraks

General Siegfried was being taken away from his cell by two grenadiers as they began to take him to another part of the ship where his body could be disposed of.

Ert: One would hope this means he’s dead and they’re going to recycle his body for tomorrow’s rations. But I know this author too well to think that.

His hands were tied together while those under his a command had the decency to allow the general to go with his gas mask on.

Ert: Because TEH GAS MASK IZ TEH MOST IMPURTANT TING EVAR!

They turned the corner to see an Ecclisiarch priest standing next to Krieg commissar while there were three other guardsmen of the Death Korps to witness this moment. When the general was brought up to them, the Ecclisiarch spoke.

“Those who consort with-”

“-the xenos, die by the righteous hands of the Emperor.” Interrupted Siegfried. The ecclesiarch stared at him in anger. “Just get to the point.”

Cornelia: You know, a smart person might know when to keep his goddamn mouth shut. But Lt. Stu can’t even do that. It’s not even something that’s very impressive in the face of death all he can do is make smart ass comments. To go back to the 13 year old argument, it comes off like a high schooler who thinks he’s a rebel against authority because he keeps disrupting his class with wise ass comments.

“Commissar, he is yours to deal with.” Stated the priest.

“Bring him to the hanger, he needs to be made an example of.”

Nora: Keep padding out his execution so that the Emperor can arrive to stop him in the nick of time.

. . .

Guardsmen and grenadiers of the Death Korps of Krieg stood in rank and file while those from the Dark Angels watched the general drop to his knees by the force of a grenadier.

“Finally the Oddball of Krieg has committed an actual act of heresy behind our backs.” Stated one Dark Angel.

Ert: I guess stealing 100 tanks doesn’t count because “Oh that whacky Lt. Stu.”

“Do not worry brother, the rest of his sins that have count, will count.” Replied another.

Nora: Man. Despite Lt. Stu being all buddy buddy with the Dark Angels, none of them really seem that bummed to see him go.

Cornelia: Can’t blame him.

Siegfried’s hands were being held out in the tight grip of the two grenadiers while the Krieg Commissar pulled out his las pistol.

“By the order of the Commissariat, you shall be executed.” The commissar aimed his las pistol at the general’s head, only to have a sanctioned psyker run into the room.

Nora: Here’s an idea. If a twist is so obvious that people can see it coming a mile away, don’t make it a twist.

“Stop, do not kill him!” He screamed to the commissar. The executioner turned his head to see the psyker with his staff out while he was breathing hard. “Do not kill him.”

“How dare you interrupt an execution?!” The commissar swung his pistol around while the psyker raised his hands up in fear.

“It was a direct order from the Emperor.

Ert: In fact, considering that this whole story is trying to be funny and failing, I suggest you watch that entire sketch to see an execution scene done with more originality.

He wanted me to inform you that he is coming to see him… alive.” Shock came to those around followed by confusion of the Dark Angels.

“What has he asked?”

“He wishes to see him. That is all.”

Nora: He kept it vague because he’s a prick like that and he’s probably waiting until he gets here to dramatically announce something instead of sending it in a message despite that being the infinitely more practical option.

. . .

Farseer Lofn was humming in her cell as she laid her head on the hard cold walls. Then she stopped to see General Siegfried be brought back by the two grenadiers. After they had tossed him back in his cell, Lofn was waiting for them to leave. When they were gone, she came to see the general sit up.

Ert: Came to see him sit up, for fuck’s sake the wording in this story.

“What happened?” She asked.

“The Emperor happened.” He replied. “He halted my execution just before the commissar could pull the trigger. The timing could have been quicker, but it is better than none.”

Cornelia: Almost like he was waiting till the last second on purpose.

“What do you think he will do?”

“He would possibly confront me and personally kill me for committing such actions while he was away.”

Ert: Even though he outlawed hatred against Xeno I honestly consider it a possibility that he’d kill me for sleeping for one.

Citadel Space

Cornelia: Could you possibly be more specific?

While the Vraks stood in space, the Emperor’s ship flew out of the warp as it began to surprise those near the windows of the Citadels. The two ships aligned each other while a small shuttle flew towards the Vraks.

Nora: One paragraph scene. Class act author.

The Vraks

When the Thunderhawk landed into the hanger, guardsmen and the Dark Angels began to get into their ranks as the Emperor’s robotic body stepped forward. Interrogator-Chaplain Artemis was the first to come to the Emperor and kneel before him.

“Dear Emperor, you honor us with your presence.”

Cornelia: Dear? Bit tame for the Emperor of Mankind isn’t it? Sounds more like a pillow talk term.

“Where is Rogue Trader General Siegfried?” Demanded the Emperor.

“He is in his cell. What do you wish for us to do?”

“Nothing. I want you to do nothing. Bring me to him.”

Nora: Well do you want us to do nothing or do you want us to bring you to him?

“Sire, there is a problem.”

“What problem would that be?”

“You wouldn’t fit in the hallway or the cell.”

Ert: So the hallways are big enough so Space Marines but not big enough for the Emperor? Honestly, considering how the Imperium likes to over-design everything, this sounds like a load.

“Then get me a place where I could speak to Siegfried, alone.”

“Yes sire.”

. . .

Lofn was laying her head onto Siegfried shoulder

Ert: UGGGGGGGGH

Ert: TWU WUV!

Cornelia: Weren’t they in different cells?

as they rested in the corner together. Unlike Lofn, Siegfried was still awake and found himself surprised he felt comfortable with the way Lofn was holding his arm. In a way, it looked cute to him. Then he stopped his mind for a moment to realize what was going on. He was falling for the Farseer, the daughter of a Vindicare assassin.

Nora: He’s falling for her because we say he is. No chemistry, no attraction, they man and lady, they fucked, they in wuv.

Two more guardsmen came towards the cell doors as Siegfried gently moved Lofn away from his shoulder, allowing him to leave the cell without trouble.

When the cell was locked, the guardsmen confronted him.

“The Emperor demands your presence.” Stated one of them.

“Bring me to him.”

Ert: Well you don’t really have much of a choice in the matter, so don’t go issuing commands.

. . .

In the ship’s bar, the Emperor was rather surprised that the ship even had such a luxury on a ship that is carrying a regiment of men that don’t believe in luxury.

Ert: It’s almost like it GOES COMPLEXLY AGAINST THEIR CHARACTER! But fuck that. The author wants to have his cake and eat it too. I guess he thinks it’s ok to do something that makes no sense so long as he says it makes no sense.

Then the Emperor saw two guardsmen carry the general into his presence while they kneeled before him.

“Leave.” He said. Soon the two left the room while the general stood up to meet the gaze of the Emperor. After a moment of silence, Siegfried waited for the Emperor’s words. “Congrats Siegfried!” He said happily. He pulled out his hand and grab Siegfried, only to shake it.

Nora: He reached out to grab Siegfried and shook him?

“Sir, what’s going on?”

“You did something that I could have never expected.”

“What did I do?”

“You managed to screw Farseer Lofn. I’m surprised that you did.”

“Why are you congratulating me on that subject?”

“You see, Lofn’s grandfather believed that his granddaughter would find an Eldar who would screw her.

Cornelia: This man needs to die and he needed to die yesterday.

You; however, took her virginity and if I told him about this. He would be pissed and come after you. In a way, you gave humanity a victory with your little fun with Farseer Lofn.”

Ert: Everything that’s being said makes me want to punch something. So. Fucking. Juvenile.

Nora: A count for Lt. Stu proving his masculinity through his penis. Like all insecure men do.

(Gary Stu Counter: 45)

“In other words, you are not condemning me.”

“Of course not, why would I come all this way to see you. What’s the problem?”

“Well, my own men and a commissar decided to ready up for my execution.”

“I’ll tell them that you gave humanity a victory by dominating an Eldar in bed.

Ert: Dominating an Eldar in bed, I can’t believe this fuck. Last time I checked they were both drunk and there wasn’t any kinky BDSM related stuff happening. There wasn’t really any dominating going on. So unless giving oral implies domination, I don’t know what the fuck the author is on about. I’m going to assume the Emperor is talking out of his ass. Because the alternative would be that giving oral to someone is to show how inferior you are to that person and that the author had the only regular female character in this story start off with an act to show her subservience to Lt. Stu. Really I’m doing the author a fucking favor here. Because really I could go so far as to say that anytime a man has sex with a woman it’s dominating them judging by the way author is portraying sex. BECAUSE SEX IS ALL ABOUT A MAN PROVING HIS SUPERIORITY AM I FUCKING RIGHT!?

Maybe that will tell them to fuck off. Other than that, I’m going to fix my little ideals about aliens at the moment. As for your relationship with Lofn, I’m going to approve.”

Nora: Oh! Look! The Emperor said fuck! The Emperor isn’t supposed to say fuck. Or pimp my ride. Or talk about screwing Eldar! Isn’t it quirky!?

“Relationship?”

“Yeah, you know.”

“I am in no relationship.”

“I read your mine, you like her as she likes you. You just don’t want to show it.”

Ert: Ok. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut on this one, but mind reading in 40k is not just “Look at person, know everything they be thinking.” It’s a rather complex process that the person having their mind read with most certainly feel. And if it’s done without their knowledge or consent, it can be a downright traumatic experience. You’re not just scanning their mind and getting what they know. You’re basically brute forcing your way in and people can FEEL that.

Nora: Also Lofn and Lt. Stu are still in love because author says so.

“Sir-”

“Look, I think you two are a great couple. Not only that, but I’m supporting your relationship with her.”

“It was just one night.”

“Well, you managed to cause me to come see you, so it means it must have been worth it.

Cornelia: Not really. It was a drunken one night stand. This seems more like the Emperor stroking his own ego than anything else.

Now, let’s get to business. What is going here?” Asked the Emperor.

Nora: I don’t know the first thing about it because that’s what a good ruler does.

“There is this xenos named Saren. He attacked Eden Prime and I am after him. The Citadel Council did not believe that they had the time to bring justice on him.”

“Does he threaten you?”

Ert: No, his attack on Eden Prime was a very pleasant experience. He brought cake. WHAT DO YOU THINK!?

“Yes sir, he has these machines called Reapers. He plans on using them to fight us.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“Yes, he is on a planet called Virmire. He’s trying to find a way to get a species to fight for him by curing their disease.”

Cornelia: Which isn’t an issue anymore considering that the Imperium attacked the Krogan homeworld but whatever. Author needs to follow the events of the game…even though he’s been shitting all over it the entire story. Schrodinger’s cat much?

“I wish you luck on your endeavor. I also hope that you do not become an issue later on.”

Ert: He will. He’ll probably steal a Titan during the middle of a vital battle because YOLO or some horseshit.

“I will do what you say.” Soon the Emperor began to leave the room, but before he could leave he turned his head to see the general.

“I also hope that you don’t die on me. You are an investment that the Imperium could use.” Then the Emperor walked away.

Nora: Because who else could lead in his place?

Lord Commander Solar Macharius
Warmaster Slaydo
Lord Castellan Ursarkar E. Creed
Commander Kubrik Chenkov
Commissar Sebastian Yarrick
Commissar Ciaphas Cain
Commissar Ibram Gaunt
Colonel ‘Iron Hand’ Straken
Captain Al’rahem
Tank Commander Pask
Mogul Kamir
Gunnery Sergeant Harker
Sergeant Lukas Bastonne
Nork Deddog – Ogryn commander

Nora: Oh right, any of these guys. Yes, even Nork Deddog. And he can’t even count to five. Hell I’d even follow Warmaster Slaydo over Lt. Stu. AND HE’S DEAD!

Bringing the War

Ert: As opposed to receiving the war

The Vraks

General Siegfried entered the hanger while he saw legions of guardsmen and grenadiers at the ready. The Dark Angels had their own section of space marine standing together while Interrogator-Chaplain Artemis stood in front of his battle-brothers. The Terranis Rangers also had their own section in the assembly as they held their various weapons amongst their ranks.

Nora: You know, the Emperor gave Lt. Stu his approval, but considering he also said that Xenos were cool and the Dark Angels didn’t give a crap then, I don’t see them respecting Lt. Stu and following his orders here.

The general began to inspect his men as he walked past each company while his aides of commissars, sanctioned psykers, and selected Watchmasters followed him.

“Status of the men?” Siegfried asked from one of his commissars.

“Excellent. There are no issues from the men.”

Ert: The women, on the other hand, hate your guts.

“Good, get them to perform exercise drills. I want them to be combat ready.” Although it was opposed by many of the Imperial Navy, the general allowed Farseer Lofn to have her Eldar warriors in the hanger bay. Watching their farseer in disgust, but at the same time her family had a terrible reputation amongst the Eldar of Ulthwe.

Cornelia: So Lt. Stu is watching Lofn in disgust? How is this the author’s OTP?

Farseer Lofn did the same by inspecting the Guardians with their weapons at the ready. Then she saw the Dark Reapers display their skulls on their masks similar to that of the Death Korps Grenadiers.

Ert: How long until the author fucks a skull mask.

After the inspection, the two came towards each other to speak without their aides close to their conversation.

“Farseer Lofn, you have your warriors ready?” Asked Siegfried.

“Yes, we are ready to bring justice onto Saren.”

Nora: Because apparently the story is about him again all of a sudden.  Even though it took the author forever to get to anyone focusing on him.

“That is good to hear, we will leave the Citadel as soon as Captain Bismark informs me.” Then an Imperial Naval officer ran up to see him and saluted the general before speaking.

“Sir, Captain Bismark informs you that warp travel is ready.”

Cornelia: The writing COULD be more clunky. We just don’t know how.

“Good, tell him to go now. We have waited long enough.”

Virmire Space

There was a small Geth fleet that stood in orbit over Virmire as the warp opened up to allow the Vraks to fly into their range.

Ert: Small Geth fleet? Hm. Imperial masturbation session ten…nine…

Soon the Geth fired their slugs, only to scratch the hull of Imperial ship as the warp began to close behind it. Then the Imperials returned fire with their Invincible-class battleship batteries. The Geth ships were quickly sniped from the lancer batteries as the ship came closer to Virmire.

Nora: The author does know that the Invincible-class battleship is a glass cannon right?

The last Geth ship was about to leave, but was smashed apart by the sheer size of the attacking ship. When the Vraks was close enough to the orbit of the planet, Valkyries began to launch out of the hanger bays while the batteries were slowly being aimed down at the planet.

Cornelia: Author question. Why didn’t you just write “The Imperium is awesome” ten thousand times? That’s basically all we’re getting from this story.

Virmire

Saren looked to the sky to see thousands of Imperial dropships come from the sky while Thunderbirds began to fly straight into the compound of his research base. A Geth Prime came towards him as he turned to give it his order.

Ert: HAWKS! ThunderHAWKS! For fuck’s sake author…

“Protect the research base. We cannot allow the humans to destroy what we have built. Use everything you have. I don’t care as long as I get my army.”

“What about the Krogans?” It asked through its speakers.

“Once I show the Krogans that I am capable of curing their disease, they will fight for me and they will join our ascension.”

Nora: You know, you don’t even really need to cure them to get them on your side. The Imperium attacked their homeworld. You pretty much just need to say “Hey, wanna fuck up those human pricks?” and they’d be on board. Then again even if Saren got every last Krogan ever born fighting for him the Imperium would wipe them all out in ten seconds because they de awesome so I’m not sure what the stakes are supposed to be here.

“For the Reapers.” It acknowledged before walking away. A Dark Angel Thunderbird began to land under fire while a squad of three Deathwing Terminators stepped out of the transport, firing their storm Bolters while they shrugged off the mass effect rounds.

Ert: OK! DEATHWING!? No. Fuck off. Deathwing is the 1st and most elite company of the Dark Angels, and they most CERTAINLY have better things to do than engage in masturbatory fanfic fight scenes. (Mainly trying to hunt down the Fallen, Dark Angels that turned traitor in the Horus Heresy. Only Deathwing knows about them and their goal is to bring them all back and torture them to death. They’ve team killed to keep this under wraps. Yeah, the Dark Angels are pricks. Once they blew up an entire ship because they were afraid one of the Fallen had tattled on them.)

What followed their assault was the Tactical Marines that stormed the area, firing their bolter rounds at whatever targets they could find.

Ert: FUCK YOU CAN! AND FUCK YOU ROCK!

Nora: Hey. They were targets that were found.

Then the dropship rose from the ground and flew away while another came down to bring reinforcements while under fire.

. . .

Outside of the compound, lay the Death Korps to the East and the Eldar of Ulthwe to the west of the compound. Both sides participating in a combined effort on their assault on Saren’s compound.

Cornelia: How dramatic….zzzzzzzzzzzz.

East Gate

With three Baneblades leading the way while being followed by the ranks of Leman Russ tanks, the Death Korps marched their way through the waters of Virmire as they ignored the beautiful scenery they happened to be in. General Siegfried was inside of a command centaur with vox operators controlling the ranks of his men through the communication devices.

Ert: So on top of everything else, the author thinks that communication devices allow people to directly control soldiers.

“Sir, the Baneblades request infantry reconnaissance. They believe that there is an outpost not too far from their position.” Reported a vox operator.

Nora: And for some reason they are incapable of opening a hatch and checking for themselves.

“Get a detachment of guardsmen with a handful of Terranis Rangers up to the front. I do not like to be blind here.” Ordered Siegfried.

“Understood sir.” Soon the general saw a large group of guardsmen march in double time as they held their formation while the Terranis Rangers began to split off from the rest of the units that were there.

Cornelia: So how did the Baneblades know that there was a base nearby? And why didn’t they have infantry with them already if this was a concern?

West Gate

The outskirts of the compound was quiet as the Geth and Krogan mercenaries were on high alert as a large majority of their sentries were sent to fight off the Dark Angels that were in their compound. A krogan was on the wall, looking at the area outside of the compound. Then he began to sniff the air as if he knew that something was off.

Nora: Yeah, forget the invasion that’s going on in this great empty void, something SMELLS wrong.

From one of the trees that was in the open, there was an energy bolt that flew into the krogan’s head as he fell back.

Ert: So he just happened to fall back as someone shot him in the head. Funny world.

The same process happened to all the sentries that were on the same wall. Bodies were dropping from the Eldar Rangers that were in the distance.

Cornelia: Uh. Why are the Eldar dropping bodies in the distance? Is this supposed to be a psychological tactic?

Then a hand began to take hold of the edge of the wall before another came to bring a Howling Banshee onto the walls. Three more climbed up the wall as they began to look around for their enemies.

Nora: And now giant hands are dropping off Banshees, you know this is one trippy battle.

Five krogans came up the ramp that lead to their position, only to see that the Eldar Banshees run towards them. Soon they activated their banshee cries, amplifying their psychic screams onto the krogans that stood before them. For the first time in the history of Citadel Galaxy, the krogans began to run away from an enemy. However, this would not save them.

Ert: Yeah…I’m pretty sure Krogan have run before. Also, bringing that up just makes it clearer than ever that this is masturbatory humanity fuck yeah writing. The only time the author brings up something awesome about Mass Effect is when it’s to make 40k look better.

When the krogans were at the bottom of the ramp, Warp Spiders teleported their way onto their side, only to fire their death spinners into the fleeing krogans. The doors of the gate exploded as the Eldar brought in their Wraithguards into the battle.

The first to fight such machines were the Geth Armatures and their Primes. However, the Wraithguards fired their Wraithcannons, sucking and tearing their targets apart. The only thing that was left of the Geth force was the robotic screams and metal fragments left on the ground.

Nora: A fight stops being engaging when it’s less of a struggle and more the author trying to squeeze in as many 40k units as possible.

Compound Zone

The Interrogator-Chaplain swung his power mace into a Geth Prime as it began to scream.

“For the Emperor!” Screamed Artemis, as he stomped on the prime with his heavy boot. Three Geth hunters came from their active-camouflage abilities. The chaplain pulled out his bolt pistol and fired two rounds into their vicinity, only to watch his targets explode from the detonation of the rounds.

Cornelia: Really? They’re so awesome they just need to fire their guns in random directions to get kills? Seriously author. Just write “Only pussies like Mass Effect, real men like 40k” over and over again or something.

He stood on top of a platform as he saw his battle-brothers firing at the charging krogans and the Geth units that were being cut down by bolter fire. Behind him was a Geth Juggernaut was about to fire it’s rocket at him, but a Devastator Marine pulled his heavy bolter to bear and fired away. Leaving nothing, but scraps of metal that survived the detonations of the bolter rounds.

Ert: So what’s more absurd? A Geth Prime sneaking up on a Space Marine or a Space Marine Devestator sneaking up on the Geth Prime that’s sneaking up on the Space Marine. Answer. YESQ

After Artemis stopped looking at the devastator, he returned his attention towards the battlefield in front of him. There was a large square in the middle with various crates that had Tactical Marines firing their weapons from their positions while the Terminators provided their fire superiority of their enemy. When the Geth hunters and pyros tried to get a close to fire their weapons, the chaplain saw assault marines land on them with their jet packs giving them the ability to attack and kill from the sky.

Nora: I know that Assault Marines are melee centered Space Marines, but did they have to attack the only Geth in Saren’s entire army (Apparently) that require close range to use their weapons? I mean honestly. We’re going to need an army to clean up all the jizz the author is spraying around.

All that was left was scraps of metal and the krogans making an attempt to kill the Emperor’s Angels of Death. Soon Geth dropships began to arrive on the scene with armatures ready to deploy. The first one took missile shots and could not sustain the damage that was coming from the space marines. Artemis looked to his right to see a greenhouse that contained plants, only to be smashed opened by some sort of turrets that were hiding behind the plants that were there.

Ert: And then Geth camed down but Speesh Marines shotted it with rockets. Then turrets hided behind plants and shooted Space Marines.

Before Artemis could do anything a single hand grenade was thrown into the room, causing it to explode violently. The chaplain came to see his battle-brothers as they cheered in their victory.

Nora: We won again!  Let’s go win again!  Win everything!

Ert: You know the author made it clear he loves the Emperor’s Text to Speech device. So why does he ignore the episode that brutally mocked Boring Invincible Heroes?

“Do not cheer for victory, for it has not been given to us yet.

Cornelia: Well doesn’t that accidentally sum up the story. “Given.” The characters didn’t earn anything. It was all given to them.

Be ready for the enemies of man.” Suddenly they looked up to see multiple Geth dropships coming towards their positions.

One of them was heading towards their position; however, a Valkyrie flew nearby and fired it’s lascannons at the hull of the dropship. Resulting in an explosive reaction.

Nora: As opposed to a chemical or a nuclear reaction.

Research Labs

Saren entered the room to see a salarian scientist come up to him.

“Is it done?” Demanded the rogue Spectre. “Is the cure ready?”

“No, we need more time. It is a delicate situation we have here.”

Ert: Why the hell did you need to tell every single person on your payroll about this planet?

“I have already gave you enough time.” Stated Saren as he pulled out his pistol and shot the salarian in the head. The other scientists that were in the room stopped for a moment to see their colleague fall to the ground. “By the time I return, you all should have the cure ready for the krogans. Otherwise, I will kill you all and replace you.”

Cornelia: Well that’s reasonable. I’m sure none of them will bolt while you’re gone.

Then the building shook while Saren heard an explosion nearby.

East Gate

The Baneblades and the Leman Russ tanks formed a firing line as they unleashed their barrels of hell onto the walls and the gates of the compound that was there. The krogans and the Geth returned fire with their rockets, but it did little to decrease the firepower of the Death Korps of Krieg. Guardsmen and grenadiers stood behind their armor as they waited for the rest of their units to fall in.

Ert: Can anyone point out any point in the story where the people fighting the Imperium actually did something to hurt them? All I can think of is when the Tuchanka base got blown up.

General Siegfried began to issue orders to the vox operators.

“In twenty seconds, the attack starts.

Nora: And…what do you call everything that happened before now?

I want air superiority over the skies and once we break through the wall, I want Saren to be captured. If he is the problem between our men and his capture, all the men have the orders to kill him on sight. I do not want him to escape.

Ert: Well the air superority is just obvious but the part about Saren makes no sense. Capture Saren unless he gets in the way of capturing him in which case kill him?

Soon a squadron of Geth dropships began to fly towards the Imperial airspace, only to have Hydra flak cannons unleash their tracers into the sky. Flak rounds exploded within the vicinity of their targets, but the damage could be seen. The metal plating on the dropships was not enough to hold itself out against the guns. Soon the dropships began to fly towards the ground and crash into the sands.

Cornelia: And now the Geth dropships are suicide bombing the ground.

The crash sites that were in front of the Death Korps began to open up as Geth units made an attempt to fire their mass effect weaponry at the infantry behind the tanks. However, the bolters on the tanks returned fire as the cannons fired HE shells onto the crash sites, causing more explosions from the dropships.

Ert: So the dropships exploded…twice? Of course they did. And not a single Human soldier died.

When time was up, the vox frequencies began to release the noise of a whistle being blown. The commissars began to step in front of the infantry as the guardsmen and the grenadiers charged towards the compound without hesitation. At the same time, the Baneblades and the Leman Russ Tanks drove slowly towards the wall as the grenadiers tossed grenades through the openings, leaving nothing, but krogan screams.

Nora: As opposed to all the other noise an advance like that would make.

“Advance.” General Siegfried said in his monotone voice. He looked content in seeing that his men were capable of eliminating the enemy that stood between the general and imperial justice.

Cornelia: Right…justice for Eden Prime…you do know that worse things than that constantly happen in 40k right? I’m pretty sure Tyranids ate a hundred planets over the course of this story.

The Western Side

Three guardians threw a plasma grenade through a window, only to be content that it exploded the doors of the room they were trying to get to.

Ert: Fuck you author. Just fuck you.

They readied their shuriken weapons as they scanned for any possible targets that were waiting for them. When the smoke had settled, they found that it was empty before they could leave the room.

Cornelia: Why is there so much nothing in this story?

Farseer Lofn walked through the roads that were not barricaded by the krogans. She observed her warriors searching through the buildings to find the krogan mercenaries firing their guns at those that were coming after them. However, they were quickly killed off by the Dark Reapers or the Howling Banshees.

Nora: And then Krogan died. And then Krogan died. And then Krogan died. And then Krogan died.

Suddenly, Lofn felt her mind feel a strange feeling that she recognized back on Eden Prime.

“You resist your ascension. Why do you resist?”

The voice in Lofn’s head had surprised her as she kept her composure on the battlefield.

‘Who are you?’ Demanded Farseer Lofn.

Ert: It’s…it’s too late author. It’s too fucking late to put the Reapers in in any meaningful way. There was no build up to them, all dramatic tension is gone. Really, just don’t fucking bother.

“There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign.”

Cornelia: You know that quote worked a wee bit better in context. You can’t just blurt out random quotes and have it mean something. For example, this quote from a Dance with Dragons. “You are the blood of the dragon. You can make a hat.”

Lofn began to chuckle under her war mask.

Ert: Author, shut the fuck up about masks.

“You find this amusing, I do not understand.”

‘You believe that you are a so powerful, yet, you know little about the things that made this universe.

Ert: I can tell this from the two sentences you said to me.

My race has seen species rise and fall. We have seen gods that live in a realm that would break logic and time altogether. I have fought creatures beyond your comprehension. Do not threaten me with such empty words.’

Nora: My empty words are different though. Ignore that my race is dying please.

“Organic life is nothing, but a genetic mutation. Your lives are measured in years and decades. You wither and die. You cannot defeat this cycle.”

‘Cycle?’

“A pattern in which civilizations rise, evolve, adapt, and advance along the road that we have provided for them. Through our technology, we have given them the Mass Relays, through us, they will become the pinnacle of evolution through our path that we have given them.”

‘You believe that in this cycle, the Eldar and the Imperium shall become part of it?’

“Yes, it is inevitable. Your races shall join the cycle. Your end will come. You live, because we allow it. You die, because we demand it.”

‘You will not win against the forces of order.

Ert: Leave Shin Megami Tensei out of this.

Besides, how could you destroy us when we are numerous?’

Nora: Yeah, numerous. Because the Imperium’s large numbers did so much to stop everything from going to hell in a hand basket.

“It does not matter. All will join the cycle and become the ascended. We are eternal.”

Lofn smiled. ‘You are wrong, how could you be eternal if you had never seen the dark future that knows only war?’ There was silence for a moment before the Reaper could speak.

Ert: SHUT! UP! Author, I know you think you’re being smart, but really Lofn is completely talking out of her ass. She has no idea who the Reapers are or what they do. That and the way you word it makes it clear you’re just saying “MASS EFFECT SUKS! 40k IS AWESOME! MASS EFFECT IS 4 LOSERS!”  How does she KNOW that the Reapers haven’t seen the dark future that knows only war?  And author.  40k ISN’T THE FUCKING FUTURE TO THE CHARACTERS!  IT’S THE PRESENT!  You can’t just shove in famous quotes out of nowhere and have them fit.  “Egg, I dreamed that I was old.”

“Your words are empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over.”

‘As my grandfather once told me, he who sees his own doom can better avoid its path. He who sees the doom of others…can deliver it.’

Ert: Does that quote actually have anything to do with the topic at hand? Or is the author desperately trying to sound smart again?

Research Labs

The doors exploded as the Terranis Rangers fired their autoguns at the Geth troopers that were inside the labs. However, one of them was killed by Saren’s pistol. Causing the two to seek for cover. Saren fired his pistol as the Rangers fired blindly behind their cover which was a few turned metal tables. Then General Siegfried entered the room.

Nora: I think that’s the first on screen Imperial death. And Saren’s pistol killed it. Hm. Didn’t know it was sentient.

“Saren, you will not escape our justice.” Saren took cover behind a pillar as Siegfried pulled out a grenade launcher out of his coat.

Ert: Yeah, where’s the dildo you keep in that thing.

The two Rangers glanced at each other for a moment before Saren took this chance to shoot one of them. A grunt came from the wounded Ranger as Siegfried fired his grenade launcher at Saren’s position.

Saren dove behind a metal desk. “You do realize that you cannot stop me. You cannot stop us. You cannot stop the Reapers.”

“Just shut up and die.”

Cornelia: We’ve been saying that about Lt. Stu this entire story. Go figure.

“Sadly, you are not in the position to say so. Why don’t you obey to Sovereign and give your species to live and not live in fear?”

“What sort of demand is that? If you are trying to persuade me, you are doing a terrible job.” Stated Siegfried.

Ert: Like you’re a master of fucking charisma. The author can’t even decide if you have emotions or not.

“The Reapers will come for all and will kill you if you do not join me and my cause.”

“Join you? I’d rather put up with the commissar for heresy than join a xenos with a loose screw.”

Nora: When you do crazy stuff you’re a loose screw. When I do it I’m delightfully quirky!

Ert: SHUT UP PINKIE PIE! Oh. Sorry, still not over that.

“You fail to see that you have damned your race.”

“Me? That’s the Emperor’s duty. I am just his servant.”

Ert:…It’s the Emperor’s duty to damn the human race? The fucking Christ am I reading?

Soon a red particle beam tore through the room while Saren ran for the exit on the other side of the room. The floor began to tilt over as the other Ranger pulled the wounded Ranger from his position. “Frak, he escaped.”

Nora: You suck at your job and life Lt. Stu.

The Compound Zone

Interrogator-Chaplain Artemis stopped his excessive stomping on a Geth Prime, only to look at the sky to see the Reaper unleash its particle beam onto those that were exposed to its fire.

Ert. Uh. SET UP!? BUILD UP!? ESTABLISHMENT!? Reapers don’t just pop out of thin air!

His battle-brothers began to fire back at the creature with lascannons and missiles. However, it did little than inflict slight damage onto the targeting systems.

Then it began to fly away from Virmire as Geth Dropships began to join its flightpath.

Cornelia: And it’s not decimating the Imperium forces why?

Ert: Because the author doesn’t want his pwecious Stu getting hurt

Saren’s Dropship

Saren came to one of his scientists that used to be in the labs.

“Has the cure been found?” He asked of an Asari researcher.

“Yes, we found it. All we just need is a distributer. That is all.”

Nora: Turns out we only needed three minutes to finish it up. That how science worked.

“I will take care of that issue. You just worry about remembering how to make the cure.” Stated Saren.

Author’s Note: Well, I got nothing to say other than REVIEW!

Ert: STORY SUCKS! Bland characters, bland action, utter wish fufillment, the grammar feels like it’s an alien trying to understand English for the first time, the humor is painful, it’s utterly juvienile, and worst of al, it’s BORING! FUCKING BORING!

---