2430: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 6 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which I’m pretty sure is up to its second war now or possibly even third  but I am very sure has something to do with Mass Effect.

Previously, thanks to a tip by some mustache-twirling batarians, the turians finally managed to track down the Migrant Fleet on Roof, and save said batarians from complete extermination at the hands of the quarians. The quarians, indignant over the interruption of their latest unprovoked mass murder of civilian targets, called in their human pals and tried to attack the turians. Again.

This actually went about as well as you would reasonably expect- to quote Ross Scott, shooting the cops in fact means they just send a lot more cops, and with literally thousands of turian ships pouring into the system the Alliance’s ass was resoundingly kicked. Turian troops even landed on Roof’s surface, but then the Alliance decided to use shitty knockoff orbital nukes to kill everyone– turians, quarians, human civilians, and whatever else- rather than allow filthy alien feet to desecrate their sacred soil.

Unsurprisingly, this left the Hierarchy more than a little pissed.

first_war_bb_8

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2429: Captain Rapist’s Quarter-Assed Adventure – Chapter 2 Part 2 and Chapter 3 Part 1

Title: Trapped in 40k
Author: Eclipse Pheniox
Topic: Warhammer 40,000
Media: Tabletop Game
Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12486706
Critiqued by Crazy Minh and Major Wade

WARNING: THIS IS A EP FIC! EXPECT TRIGGERS AT SOME POINT!

Hello Patrons, and welcome back to another instalment of Trapped In 40k by Eclipse Pheniox! I’m your guest riffer, Crazy Minh, and joining me again as my special guest is Major Wade!

Heya!

Today, we cover the last bit of Chapter two, and the first half of Chapter three! We left off with the Inquisitor leaving the Chapel-Which-Is-Also-An-ER-Room-Which-Is-Also-A-Flower-Pot.

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2424: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 5 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which up until now I was worried was actually a 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea ‘fic.

Previously, the quarians and humans had a bunch of ethnic tensions going on as the quarians colonized Eden. Then a fleet of four hundred batarian ships showed up, intent on colonizing what they thought was an uninhabited system (they call it ‘Porland’ instead of ‘Eden’ for reasons I cannot begin to fathom), no doubt loaded to the brim with mustache wax, large hams, and Campbell’s Rich & Chunky.

The batarians told the quarians running the joint defense fleet to clear off or they would tell the Council their location, and then the quarians told the batarians “don’t give our location to the people who want to arrest us for our indiscriminate murders, because if you do we’ll indiscriminately murder you as well! We’re such great people!”

Surprisingly, the batarians decided this qualified as a threat and went ahead and preemptively attacked the quarians.

first_war_bb_6.png

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2421: Athame’s Light – Chapter Two, Part One

Title: Athame’s Light
Author: Legionary Prime
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC and Spectre Myrai T’Sayaa

Hello, and welcome back to “Athame’s Light,” by Legionary Prime! I’m your host, SC, joined by Spectre Myrai, and last time, Myrai’s ship exploded, which sucked, because now I have to bribe Bifocals to build her a new one – which DOES NOT run the risk of killing her horrifically, so that’s extra bribery right there – but meanwhile, we got to read the thrilling adventures of the Asari meeting pre-uplift humanity, fighting Batarians, and the birth of Asari!Shep, who is the direct result of an unholy union between Councilor Tevos and Dad!Shep. There’s also Cousin!Shep, who’s the daughter of Hannah!Shep, and apparently she’ll have a somewhat leading role in this fic alongside Asari!Shep, so that’s just swell. Then the author got bored of actually showing things and instead resorted to a timeline crawl up to the point of the Eden Prime mission.

Spectre Myrai: Can I interrupt you for a minute, and say that it worries me that you have to bribe your resident engineer to not do a shitty job?

Ahahahahahahahaha

Spectre Myrai: Why’re you laughing?

Bifocals isn’t an engineer.

Spectre Myrai: Then, what is she?

Very probably the reason that the Reapers exist.

Spectre Myrai: …You know what, I’ll just mail order a new ship from some sleazy Volus, at least all they demand are credits.

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2417: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 5 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War In Mass Effect: A Mass Effect Tale, which is set in Mass Effect.

Last time the quarians and humans finally made their alliance official and the quarians got settled onto a continent of the human colony Eden that the humans I guess just were letting sit there.

Oh yeah, and also, we saw our first shot of the Council at the end, where it was revealed that the reason why the quarians were on the run in uncharted space to begin with was because they killed ten thousand turian colonists who dared to claim a planet the quarians had designs on through official channels beforehand and the Council is thus, for once, understandably pissed. It is unclear if the humans know about what the quarians did or not, but I don’t suppose they will care:

first_war_bb_5

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2416: Captain Rapist’s Quarter-Assed Adventure – Chapter 2, Part 1

Title: Trapped in 40k
Author: Eclipse Pheniox
Topic: Warhammer 40,000
Media: Tabletop Game
Genre: Sci-fi / Mystery
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12486706
Critiqued by Crazy Minh and Major Wade

Hello Patrons, and welcome back to another instalment of Trapped in 40k! I’m your guest riffer, Crazy Minh. Joining me today is Major Wade, and we will be diving into the first half of Chapter 2 today! However, before we begin, a few things:

Firstly, I’m dropping XSGCOM: Mirror Image. After the chat with Hotpoint himself in the comments of the last instalment (which I’m pleased to say was very interesting, and was voiced in a civil manner, unlike many such encounters we have had in the past), I had a revelation. XSGCOM isn’t worth riffing. Sure, there’s gaping flaws in the way it’s written, but most of these aren’t major enough to make serious commentary on. It gets to the point where there’s entire chapters where not much really happens, and there’s others where it’s just hard to find anything to critique. The riff becomes more about trying to find something to MST than actually riffing anything of weight. After rereading the fic, I also realised that things I made a big deal of in the first two instalments were pretty minor, at least when I went back and thought about it. I’d like to apologise to anyone who was waiting for the next riff, but to be honest, I feel that not many patrons were really reading it to begin with.

[For what it’s worth, I just checked the stats, and from what I can tell, readership was pretty average. Not fantastic but, for example, usually about as good or better than installments of The Red Queen released around the same time. – Bats]

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2412: Mass Foundations: A New Day, Chapter Three

Title: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Author:  Nord Ronnoc
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden and special guest Jennifer Mui

DISCLAIMER: THE AUTHOR OF THIS FIC, NORD RONNOC, AND RESIDENT LIBRARIAN HERR WOZZECK HAVE SOME HISTORY WITH ONE ANOTHER WHICH INCLUDES AN ON-AGAIN/OFF-AGAIN FEUD. I AM FAMILIAR WITH BOTH PARTIES AND HAVE NO STAKE OR INVOLVEMENT IN SAID FEUD. THIS IS SIMPLY A CRITIQUE OF NORD RONNOC’S STORY; NOTHING MORE OR LESS.

Hello and welcome back to the riff of Mass Foundations: A New Day. I’m ME-Iron Maiden and I’m joined once again by legendary mercenary Jennifer Mui.

Mui: Hopefully we’ll get something new called “plot progression” today.

Well, let’s check the chapter title and Author’s Note and see what we have in store today.

Chapter 3: I’ll Carry You Home Tonight

Mui: Oh, this bodes well.

I’m going to ready some target designators. I have a feeling one of our Librarians is going to need help with his aim.

Mui: It isn’t that chap who destroyed that Spectre’s ship in the other riff, is it?

Nope. This guy is all about overkill against bad and forced romance cliches and isn’t particular about collateral damage. He and Nillson would have much to discuss.

Mui: And I thought I caused massive amounts of property destruction… Wait a minute. If he hates bad romances, where was he when-

Let’s move on to the note.

UPDATE 1/17/14: In case it wasn’t clear by the last chapter’s narration, Eric’s siblings were not dead. They were fine, very much likely heartbroken by the loss of their brother. Like Eric had told himself, it was just a nightmare.

 And just like that, the ONE thing that could have made this fic actually interesting and unique thus far dies. Alone and unloved.

Mui: Godspeed, accidental good story idea.

As for this chapter, this was originally conceived by a friend of mine. He would like to write a dating scene/chapter when I asked him what he would like to do for me. However, as time went on, he was unable to write it due to focusing on other projects. So, he told me to take that chance and write it myself, and so I did.

Here you go. Enjoy the chapter, and I hope I did well writing a bit of romance, especially a same-sex couple.

Mui: Let me see if I understand this. He had a friend who wanted to ghost write a romantic chapter but said friend couldn’t complete the job so he decided to write it himself?

Kitchen sink writing at its finest: not only is Nord writing by the seat of his pants, he’s very quick to let others add content to a fic. That’s a path to some serious drama down the line if he isn’t careful.

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