2574: Athame’s Light – Chapter Four

Title: Athame’s Light
Author: Legionary Prime
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by SC, Spectre Myrai T’Sayaa, Specialist Daniel Mathers, and Contacts, whether he fucking likes it or not

Contacts: This is somehow more humiliating than constantly getting screwed over by Syl!

*Contacts thrashes about fruitlessly, effortlessly suspended in midair by Myrai’s biotics; Mathers chuckles as he munches on his fourth or fifth high-nutrient protein bar in a row, looking noticeably less exhausted than previously*

You had to know this was going to blow up in your face.

Contacts: This is abuse! Unlawful detainment! Police – er, Spectre, whatever – brutality!

Specialist Mathers: You hear that? The known thief is bitching about legalities.

Spectre Myrai: I know, it’s a hoot. And he’s doing it wrong, because “Spectre brutality” won’t hold up in any court of law on account of the carte blanche granted Spectres by the Council, itself.

Specialist Mathers: Where was all this bluster when he was getting hunted down for that major weapons theft, I wonder?

Spectre Myrai: Kinda didn’t give him the chance to use it, because I was in the middle of splattering his brain across the wall.

Contacts: I want a lawyer! I know my rights!

Yep, and as the closest thing to legal council you’re gonna get before the ninja legal team gets here or Bats shows up in the comments, I’d like to remind you that one of your rights is the right to remain silent, a.k.a. shut the fuck up.

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2570: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 2

-WARNING-
The author begins to put his political views on fairly public display in this chapter, and they are… pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a guy who writes alternate-history HFY fanfiction featuring weirdly defanged Nazis.

Also, weirdly defanged Nazis are still Nazis, and are still in this ‘fic.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years.

Last time, we had a boringly mostly adequate section where some U-Boat captain found a wrecked Council ship in Antarctica, then for some reason this influx of new technology and weapons made Hitler want to reopen peace talks with the British because that‘s totally how Nazis would think.

Actually, “because that’s totally how Nazis would think” is shaping up to be a countable offense in this ‘fic, because these seem to be Nazis with every hint of racism or other undesirable qualities neatly and authorially excised.

This all brings us to the second half of Chapter 1, where the ‘fic becomes less of an implausible alternate-historical ‘fic and more of a regular old HFY ‘fic with, what else, a massive timeline featuring implausible events we mostly couldn’t care less about!

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2567: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 1

–WARNING–
The ‘fic under review today contains political flamebait in the form of Nazis.
Like, actual literal Nazis this time, not just people who talk and act like Nazis but claim not to be Nazis, or people calling each other Nazis, or self-described neo-Nazis, but the genuine article Version One-Point-Oh. I really hope I don’t need to tell anybody why that’s bad, mmmkay?

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! I’m continuing my travels through Things In My Riffs Folder That Aren’t The First War by today taking a look at another Mass Effect alternate-humanity ‘fic that looks at The First War, giggles dementedly in its face, and asks, “why the hell are you all settling for merely crypto-fascist?”.

I actually made a joke about a ‘fic like this existing way back during the latter parts of Velocius et Fortius, but that was based on the assumption that nobody would actually be shameless enough to attempt to write it.

I assumed wrong. This is a thing that ACTUALLY EXISTS.

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2543: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 11 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back once again to Mass Effect: The First War. In fact, after this chapter, we will officially be more than halfway THROUGH Mass Effect: The First War.

Hooray!

Holy fuck, we’re still only halfway THROUGH Mass Effect: The First War. Shit.

Anyways, last time Grand Moff Whyney had brief second thoughts about the whole “destroy Palaven for really no reason other than OUTRAGE!!!!” plan, was talked back into it by his random OC personal assistant, then gave a speech enthusiastically promoting the idea. No mention was made of the fact that the whole thing was, in fact, started by the quarians’ casual brutality and perpetuated by their ass-covering lies.

Also, the turians have the Forerunner Dreadnought from Halo because why invent anything original when you can just shallowly copy much better writing, amiright?

first_war_bb_11

But, hey, at least that asshole Chris McGraw wasn’t in this story, right?

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2537: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 11 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously, Grand Moff Whyney twirled his mustache some more about destroying Palaven and some turian colonies, and a turian ship that somehow survived the massacre on the borders of the Sol System bombarded Tokyo, and Not-Master-Chief the Not-SPARTAN wandered around and killed some dudez in the rubble, and… that was about it, actually!

first_war_bb_11

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2534: Athame’s Light – Chapter Three

Title: Athame’s Light
Author: Legionary Prime
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, Spectre Myrai T’Sayaa, and Specialist Daniel Mathers

*SC peeks warily in the door, then sighs heavily upon seeing multiple suspended pieces of furniture and two biotics – one an Alliance soldier, who is visibly exhausted and trembling from the exertion, the other an Asari Spectre who seems only mildly winded – poised to hurl said furniture at one another the instant one twitches wrong; by the rampant chaos in the room, this fight has been going on for some time*

Polite request?

Spectre Myrai: Hmm?

Stop destroying my riffing chamber. It’s been Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years since I left you two to sort your shit out.

Specialist Mathers: I don’t think you truly appreciate how much patience these Asari bitches have when it comes to one-on-one biotic duels. Boy, am I starting to appreciate it…

Spectre Myrai: Oh yeah, sometimes biotic duels on Thessia would go on for entire years if a Matriarch didn’t step in and shut everybody down. It was nuts. Which means you should really just surrender, Mathers, because my victory is all but assured.

Specialist Mathers: If I surrender for any reason, it’s because I’m probably about to faint from overexertion, not because I’m letting you win.

Where the hell are the rest of their crewmates while all this is going on…?

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2530: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 10 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously, the Council bickered a lot about how best to backstab the turians for temporary advantage over the humans (which, honestly, remains the most in-character anyone has ever been in this ‘fic), and the humans reaffirmed their commitment to utterly destroy Palaven (and also the turians’ oldest colony planet) even though their leadership now knows that the whole conflict was started by the mass-murdering quarians under false pretenses. Also they are literally being led by Grand Moff Tarkin.

I have to wonder- was this information ever made public, or is everyone other than Director Whyney still being fed the lie that all of this was the turians’ fault? Because last time Whyney said that he was committed to the whole “Cipritine is too remote” business because of public pressure (which is bullshit, BTW, because a government that only ever does what’s popular is hardly a government at all) and presumably revealing that it was in fact the quarians’ fault might dim the fires just a little.

Oh yeah, and we POV’d one of those stupid SPARTAN knockoffs (WHO IS TOTALLY NOT THE MASTER CHIEF WITH LESS PERSONALITY, GUYZ!) for a while as he fucked around taking out turian anti-air guns in Tokyo, and it was all pretty pointless, so I am sure we will be seeing much more of him in the future.

first_war_bb_11

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