2543: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 11 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back once again to Mass Effect: The First War. In fact, after this chapter, we will officially be more than halfway THROUGH Mass Effect: The First War.

Hooray!

Holy fuck, we’re still only halfway THROUGH Mass Effect: The First War. Shit.

Anyways, last time Grand Moff Whyney had brief second thoughts about the whole “destroy Palaven for really no reason other than OUTRAGE!!!!” plan, was talked back into it by his random OC personal assistant, then gave a speech enthusiastically promoting the idea. No mention was made of the fact that the whole thing was, in fact, started by the quarians’ casual brutality and perpetuated by their ass-covering lies.

Also, the turians have the Forerunner Dreadnought from Halo because why invent anything original when you can just shallowly copy much better writing, amiright?

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But, hey, at least that asshole Chris McGraw wasn’t in this story, right?

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2537: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 11 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously, Grand Moff Whyney twirled his mustache some more about destroying Palaven and some turian colonies, and a turian ship that somehow survived the massacre on the borders of the Sol System bombarded Tokyo, and Not-Master-Chief the Not-SPARTAN wandered around and killed some dudez in the rubble, and… that was about it, actually!

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2534: Athame’s Light – Chapter Three

Title: Athame’s Light
Author: Legionary Prime
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, Spectre Myrai T’Sayaa, and Specialist Daniel Mathers

*SC peeks warily in the door, then sighs heavily upon seeing multiple suspended pieces of furniture and two biotics – one an Alliance soldier, who is visibly exhausted and trembling from the exertion, the other an Asari Spectre who seems only mildly winded – poised to hurl said furniture at one another the instant one twitches wrong; by the rampant chaos in the room, this fight has been going on for some time*

Polite request?

Spectre Myrai: Hmm?

Stop destroying my riffing chamber. It’s been Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years since I left you two to sort your shit out.

Specialist Mathers: I don’t think you truly appreciate how much patience these Asari bitches have when it comes to one-on-one biotic duels. Boy, am I starting to appreciate it…

Spectre Myrai: Oh yeah, sometimes biotic duels on Thessia would go on for entire years if a Matriarch didn’t step in and shut everybody down. It was nuts. Which means you should really just surrender, Mathers, because my victory is all but assured.

Specialist Mathers: If I surrender for any reason, it’s because I’m probably about to faint from overexertion, not because I’m letting you win.

Where the hell are the rest of their crewmates while all this is going on…?

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2530: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 10 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously, the Council bickered a lot about how best to backstab the turians for temporary advantage over the humans (which, honestly, remains the most in-character anyone has ever been in this ‘fic), and the humans reaffirmed their commitment to utterly destroy Palaven (and also the turians’ oldest colony planet) even though their leadership now knows that the whole conflict was started by the mass-murdering quarians under false pretenses. Also they are literally being led by Grand Moff Tarkin.

I have to wonder- was this information ever made public, or is everyone other than Director Whyney still being fed the lie that all of this was the turians’ fault? Because last time Whyney said that he was committed to the whole “Cipritine is too remote” business because of public pressure (which is bullshit, BTW, because a government that only ever does what’s popular is hardly a government at all) and presumably revealing that it was in fact the quarians’ fault might dim the fires just a little.

Oh yeah, and we POV’d one of those stupid SPARTAN knockoffs (WHO IS TOTALLY NOT THE MASTER CHIEF WITH LESS PERSONALITY, GUYZ!) for a while as he fucked around taking out turian anti-air guns in Tokyo, and it was all pretty pointless, so I am sure we will be seeing much more of him in the future.

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2524: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 10 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the turian fleet pulled out as ordered by the Citadel Council, but then the humans cut off their exit, surrounded them, and wiped them out to the last man. Also, some of those pointless SPARTAN-knockoffs showed up and didn’t really do anything. And the quarians arrived just in time to participate in the tail-end of the latest round of pointless (and, indeed, since the humans were losing ships by fighting the turians who were just trying to leave, tactically inadvisable) slaughter and make a bunch of boring self-righteous speeches.

Oh yeah, and Douchey Sturk created some kind of spontaneous-particle-beam-generating weapon that can apparently destroy planets or something, because the Systems Alliance totally needs another one of those.

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One can only wonder what carnage is in store in the next chapter; I don’t think there’s much hope of the Stumans ever quitting now that they’ve acquired a taste for it.

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2519: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 9 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to a whole new year of Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, Councilor Tevos T’sael and that Sborn Eistan jackass yelled at Councilor Sparatus a bunch for having the nerve to intervene in another quarian mass-murdering rampage with the goal of rescuing some batarians (and also for accidentally bombing New York, because absolutely everyone is really hung up on that one incident for some reason). They threatened to kick the turians off of the Council if Sparatus didn’t order an unconditional retreat even though, with everyone freaking out about New York, the turians had just seized the initiative and had the best chance they were probably ever gonna get to turn this whole thing around.

Also some soldiers talked about a dead baby a bunch, which was pretty pointless.

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2514: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 9 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

-WARNING(?)-
Today’s riff touches on issues relating to the regulation and use of weapons of mass destruction. This is partially a fairly standard flamebait warning because I am aware the topic could become contentious (see Call of Duty, Black Hell Ops, previously), but is also somewhat unusual in that I am willing to discuss the topic in more detail in the comments- there just wasn’t room, or relevancy for it in the riff proper.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the turians finally got their bony asses in gear and bombed New York, by firing at some kind of human ship in orbit and missing. This resulted in the usual screeching from the OUTRAAAAGE!!!! Society, and… that was about it.

Oh yeah, and then, like literally tens of thousands of those dreadful SPARTAN knockoffs finally arrived. I can only imagine the cerulean carnage they‘re going to wreak on the unfortunate turians, assuming they ever actually get around to landing.

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