893: AQ Males X Reader – Oneshot

Title: AQ Males X Reader
Author:   Kestrel Lockhart
Media: Video Game
Topic: Adventure Quest
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort  
URL: AQ Males X Reader
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, patrons!  As I mentioned last week I’ve decided to extend my oneshot spree out for one more week since this week is rather full what with the holiday.  As such, I’m bringing you a strange little second-person point of view (AKA reader-insertion) fic called AQ Males X Reader.  You know it’s going to be good when the fic title is the same as premise of the fic.

Before we get started, I’d like to mention that second-person point of view fics are almost universally disasters.  I’ve never seen it done well, and, while I’m not denying the possibility that it might be possible to create a good second-person fic, the chance of finding such a fic seems vanishingly small.   I know it’s not impossible to do it well because there are actually a small number of decent second-person short stories written by a modest array of writers; so there is always a chance that a fic author of appropriate skill might come along and write a good one.

However, we won’t be seeing that today.

This fic is based on a single-player web game called Adventure Quest that has been around since about 2002.  It’s a somewhat for-free* flash-based web game that’s actually surprisingly fun.  It’s blatantly a grinding/time-waster game for sure, but it’s easy to get into and just as easy to stand up and wander away from when you’re done.  FrozenPoodleMeat and I have played it on and off for about 11 years now, so you could say I’m rather familiar with the source material.  There are a couple of spin-off games that are pretty neat too, but those aren’t important to this fic.

*You can pay a one-time fee for a Guardian account that comes with a lot of perks and extra stuff you can do… and it’s actually worth it if you like the game.  FPM and I have had a guardian accounts on AQ since 2004 and have certainly received our money’s worth.

In this fic you are the main character and the main theme is that you’re having interactions with the supporting NPC characters you can meet and talk to in the game.  Things will quickly get generic enough that it won’t really matter all that much who any of these characters are, but I’ll toss some wiki-links your way as we get to them.  Since I’m pressed for time, I’ll skip the SC-level game content rants.

As always, I’m going to start with the summary because those are like little windows into the realm of suck we’re about to visit.

My first X Reader! Please give some advice!

Yeah… I don’t think this author really understands what a summary is.  Begging for reads and reviews right in the summary is ALWAYS a good sign, let me tell you.

Let’s see, a non-summary summary.  Check.

As usual, my chapters are rather short.

Alright… why is this in the summary?  I mean, I hate author’s notes with a passion, but this should certainly be in an author’s note or something.

When writing a summary you need to ask yourself the question: “If I turned over a novel, and read this on the back, would I read the book?”

Got a request for a paticular charrie?

Using cutesy short-form of a word in the summary of your hurt/comfort fic?  Check.

Three more for badfic bingo!

 Tell me! I’ll try my best! I won’t stop until I’ve wrote a chapter or two for ALL the charries!

Carroting the audience with involvement?  In the summary no less?  Check.

Rated T for now, may change to M later… Teehee…

I can see that this hurt/comfort fic is going to get as emotionally dark and edgy as a Care Bears movie.

So now we move into the fic proper.  Well, sorta.

A/N – This is my first X Reader :3 May be terrible, I’m not sure :3 Anyway! Enjoy!

Fishing for empty praise?  Check.

Author, if you were going to do an author’s note anyway, WHY THE HELL DID YOU PUT ALL THAT SHIT IN YOUR SUMMARY!?

Guide – If you’ve read reader inserts before, you’ll know that there’s alot of contractions where you imput what’s suitable.

*Twitch twitch*

You misspelled 2 words in your guide and used the wrong word for something else.  That’s… not a good sign author.  However it does mean… check.

BINGO!

Yay!  I won a free badfic!

…

Well. Shit.

Here’s the guide for the ones who haven’t read any yet so you don’t have to ponder for a long time on what this strange language means :3

*Facepalm*

Author, if you boil that sentence down to just the meaning, you literally just wrote: “This guide, which I labeled as a guide, is a guide!”

Wait a se-

*ALARM BLARES*

Oh for crying out loud.

*DRD Agents storm into the room*

So, how much do you guys want to see those pictures I took during the pie bender get forwarded to your chief of operations?

*DRD Agents storm out of the room*

When in doubt, blackmail.

Anyway, at this point you’re given a small 3 attribute fill-in table that you can use to help break the flow of the narrative feel like part of the story.

H/L – Hair Length

H/C – Hair Colour

E/C – Eye Colour

To play the game by my own rules, I’m going to open this table up a bit and use any noun.  To whit, my table looks like this.

H/L – Yeti

H/C – Flugelhorn

E/C – Copenhagen

Normally in the fic there are accastionally little parenthetical statements like this: (E/C).  I’ll be subbing in my table for these instead of copying them over.  See if you can spot where they normally would be.

You had known Artix for as long as you could remember…

Oh good, we’re going to see a lot of ellipses.

*Twitch*

Always a good narrative choice.

Artix von Krieger is the leader of the Paladin Order that’s been around since the game was first introduced and is considered the official mascot of Adventure Quest.  Indeed, the company that was formed to manage the game was named Artix Entertainment after him.  Here’s a picture:

You two had been best friends as soon as you met.

BFFs at first sight, that’s different.

You two had been inseparable.

With such a strong bond, you would think we’d get to see it.  You would be wrong, but you would think that.

See, I can write second-person too!

You sat against a tree, sighing.

Oh, we are going to get to see it.  Cool.  Would be nice if the flashback was less abrupt and not in italics, but I’ll take what I can get.

You were an outcast.

Of course you were.

*Pats you on the head*

You stared longingly at a group of children, silently wishing for them to walk up to you and invite you to play.

Wow.  I really hope this is a flashback to you as a child, otherwise you are one hell of a creepy person.

The wind blew your yeti hair ever so softly.

I’m not really sure why this is pertinent to the flashback.  Does your hair getting tousled by the wind always make it into your stories?  Is the next part of your story going to involve the thread count of your shirt?

You brushed a stray strand of flugelhorn away from your face.

Damn flugelhorn is always getting up in my grill!

”I wanna be the tanky one!” One complained.

Wait, who the hell is One?  This is my flashback so the least you could do is tell me who the hell that kid is!

Great, now I feel bad.  Can’t even remember the kid’s name and still made them show up in my flashback.

”Can I be the stealthy one?” Another asked.

Author, it’s like you’re just trying to rub it in.  Not only did I forget the first kid’s name, but now there’s another one!  You’re going to give me a complex!

”Yeah!” The one who seemed to be the leader of the game said.

Hold on a minute.  Is this one the same as One from before, or is this a different one?

Oh gods the poor kids.  Not only namelessly roped into my flashback, but in an extremely vague way!

Will no one think of the children!?

”Can I play?” A small girl asked.

Well, at least small girl got a gender.  She’s a step ahead of the other two/three in that regard.

I’m really sorry, kids.  Next time I’ll try a lot harder to have the author have me remember your names.

”No! You’re a girl!” The first one shouted.

So, I’m guessing that means the others are boys then.  Of the “ew cooties” age group, no less.

You know, this is actually the closest thing we’ve had to showing instead of telling at the library.  It’s not very good, but it’s actually showing us that the boys are young, immature, and sexist.  Hard to really be down on the kids too much for that last one, though.  It’s an unfortunately very common gender divide at that age.  We should probably see about quashing that particular behavior out of humanity at some point, really.

”Girls shouldn’t be playing these sorts of games. Go away!” The leader yelled.

What? D&D?  Hate to tell you, kid, but girls play D&D too.  And most of them far better than I do.

There goes your chances of getting into a game…

Ahh, so this is a memory of back in the days when I was female!

Wait… what?

You sighed deeper, more annoyed this time.

I think the term you were looking for was “exasperated sigh.”  You’ll find that phrase quite a bit pithier.

Granted, there is quite a wide range of sounds between a sign and a guttural battle-cry of rage, so it could be anything.

‘What idiots…’ You think to yourself, your Copenhagen eyes looking at the sad girl.

Do all my memories involve specifically thinking about physical attributes I can’t actually perceive in the moment?  Damn, I’m a vain asshole, aren’t I?

You sigh again.

Sweet crap, I was a mopey little kid, wasn’t I?  I can’t believe I was this torn-up about not getting to play with the little jerks.  It’s also pretty assholish of me that I’m not going over there to make friends with the girl they just booted to the curb.

No wonder I was such an outcast.

You’re considering if you should walk up to them and tell them what they did was wrong and that they should apologize to the girl.

A good pummeling would help drive home the point.  Just saying.

You shake your head, clearly knowing they’ll just brush you aside.  You begin to draw in the ground with a stick.

WHAT ABOUT THE LITTLE GIRL!?  Even if you don’t think the confrontation against the assholes is worth it, there’s a perfectly good small girl over there that needs a friend!  Dude, that’s like 1 person away from a basic adventuring party.

I really need to get my act together.  I’m so glad I couldn’t remember this until recently.  I was kinda useless back then, wasn’t I?

Or wait… is this your memory?  I’ve lost track of which one of us is remembering this.

You end up with a lovely picture of you slicing their heads off.

Creepy, but plausible.  I mean, if I’m not going to do anything useful, I’d probably sit there being passive aggressive.

How about you?

”You seem quite lonely, you okay?” You hear a voice ask.

Ah, I remember that part.  Artix came out of nowhere and scared the crap out of me.  Peed my pants and everything.

Must be my memory after all.

From a glance you could tell he was a Paladin.

Wow, so either the paladin recruiters are getting the kids started very, very early, or Artix has aged extremely gracefully.

Well, I suppose he IS a cartoon after all.  Cartoons always seem like they barely age at all.

Your Copenhagen orbs meet his hazel ones.

So I guess we played marbles for a while.  It was pretty nice, won a cool swirly cat-eye boulder from him even though he captured a handful of my trash-cans.

Library of the Damned: Come for the Riff, stay for the gratuitous use of playground marble slang.

They look down to your artwork then up to you again. ”Your art style is unique, I can tell you that.”

Quick trick for those of you who need help detecting bullshit:  Draw stick-figures in the dirt with a stick and the first guy who calls it unique is bullshitting you.

”You think?” You smirked.

ARGH!

*GONG*

…

*Hours later, Taco regains consciousness*

I need to make a note to keep Horatio locked up when I’m reading second-person fics.

”Yeah.” He held out a hand. ”Wanna play?”

Will you all be ashamed of me if I were to tell you that we totally went to play and didn’t invite small girl?

You had cherished this moment, the day you finally got a friend.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty ashamed of myself.  Little girl about my age gets turned down for play time and I just sit there.  I needed a friend, she needed a friend, and instead I waited for a paladin to show up and picked him instead.  Didn’t even mention her to him.

Jeez, I was a real asshole at that age.

Actually, it turns out that I’m still an asshole.  Which is why we’re all here on this site.

You weren’t the best at socializing

Artix knew that, so he’d help you by introducing you to all his friends, Warlic, Yulgar, Hans, even Galanoth.

Woof, super-name drop list!  Since none of them matter in this fic and are never mentioned again, I’ll spare you all pictures and just toss these here for you:

Warlic

Yulgar

Hans Olo (Yulgar’s apprentice.  Not important enough for his own wiki page)

Galanoth

You liked them.

Fair enough.  Most of them aren’t really unlikable characters, so I’ll allow it.

They were funny.

*Facepalm*

There are many words I’d use to describe Galanoth.  Funny is not among them.

You thought it was great to have someone alongside you, helping you slay all the monsters in sight, looting the gold Robina Hood had given them.

A shame small girl will never get to know what that’s like.

I wonder whatever happened to her.  Let me check the “where are they now” page of the wiki…

Well… I guess she did okay for herself in the end.

”(Y/N)… I have to tell you something…” Artix had said once. He looked rather sad.

If it’s about how the vampires turned small girl, don’t worry about it.  I just broke the news to everyone.

”What?” You asked. ”Did you not get into the order?”

Man, with all the buildup this moment had, it would be a huge plot moment if he didn’t get in.

Said no person about this fic, ever.

Artix shook his head. ”The exact opposite!” He burst out!

Ahh the old bait and switch.  Now, if only we cared.

”Artix! That’s amazing!” You grinned.

Is it?  For all we know he’s been training his ass off night and day for years.  Him getting in could have been a forgone conclusion.

Then again, people tend not to react very well when you say things like, “Well, yeah, you trained a lot so getting in was inevitable.”  Feigning surprise might feel silly, but it keeps the normals happy.

Now thinking back, that was far from amazing.

See, like I was saying.

He hardly visited you after that.

It’s just like me to make his pursuit of a lifelong dream all about how hard it is for me.  What an ass.

You sigh as you walk up to a bench.

By the way, I upgraded from a tree to a bench in 2002.  Nice, huh?  When you’re gonna mope, you need the right equipment.

You stare longingly at the sky, the clouds drifting by.

Do paladins not get letters or days off or anything?  I mean, I know they’re strict, but that seems over-the-top.

Birds flying freely, silently wishing for your friend back.

One would think the birds would have more pressing matters than wishing for me to get my friend back.  Then again, I am a jerk so maybe I was taking his absence out of them.

”You seem lonely, you okay?” A familiar voice asked. You turn around and pull him into a never-ending hug.

And I’m still hugging him to this day.  True story.

”I’ve missed you..” You whisper into his ear.

”Me too, (Y/N), me too…”

See how those parentheticals totally don’t screw up the flow and make the whole mess look awkward?

A/N – And that’s a wrap! Now thinking back, this wasn’t as romance-y as I thought it may be…

In that it wasn’t.

But it almost made me cry…

Wow… uh… wow.  Maybe it played a lot better in you head?

._. I’m sensitive, don’t judge me…

Beleive me, I’m trying not to.  But I don’t see anything even remotely tear-enducing.  You just told us a story about a self-absorbed anti-social me who makes a friend.  The friend goes away to pursue his life, and I can’t get over myself long enough to wish him well. Then, an indescribable amount of time later, he spontaneously shows up while I’m moping and we hug for eternity.  I’m sorry, where is the tear-jerker moment?  Did you forget to write it?

And with that-

*Squints*

Hold on a second.  There’s another chapter!  Aren’t you just giddy with joy!

A/N : Hiyaaaz! So this req was from some writer called Kestrel Lockhart! Hmm… Seems familiar somehow…

Uhh… because it’s you?  Wow, still trying not to judge but you gotta be super scatter-brained to forget about your own screen name.

Me : So, how did you like your chapter, Artix?

Hold on a second, I thought it was MY chapter!  If the story about me isn’t going to be all about me, why am I reading it!?

Artix : It was okay… There wasn’t any undead slaying *Pouts*

Fair enough, that would have made the chapter way better.

Me : Aww, is Artix grumpy?

Uncharacteristically so.  It’s almost as if you don’t really know how to write him.

Artix : *Crosses arms and looks away* No…

Me : Bob! Commence the wasabi rain!

Are the DRD here already!?

*Looks at the siren*

Huh.  Inexplicable.

And that’s how Kestrel Lockhart was delayed with the next chapter. :3 The end.

Well, congratulations, author.  That was absolutely the most insipid author’s excuse for delayed posting that I’ve ever seen.  Given the competition, you should feel proud.

Ryuusei’s POV

Ghostie!  Surprise!  Point of view tags in a second-person fic!

Ladies and gentlemen: Ryuusei.

I had found you lying there, on the dirt.

*Twitch Twitch*

I… why author?  Why would you think including a first person point of view in a second-person fic was a good idea?  Why?

You seemed so peaceful, but then I noticed you were badly hurt.

Well, you know, death IS pretty peaceful.  Until you hit the respawn point, anyway.

I was almost at a decision to leave you there. We had been enemies for a long time, then I remembered something.

Yeah, trying to end the world doesn’t make you many friends, does it, Sparky?

You were there.

Uh, yes?  It was pretty well established already that I was lying there.  Where else would I be?

You helped my little sister… You didn’t even realise it until they mentioned it… I had no choice but to repay the favour.

Wait, are you talking about the girl we wouldn’t give the time of day to-

Shit, now you aren’t going to save me, are you.

Ryuusei: You are dead to me!  And to everyone else soon enough.

The Devourer says hi, jerk.

Narrator -like POV

New rule: If you don’t know the name of the point of view, you can’t use it.

There, I just put an end to 90% of the stuff on FF.net.

You snap your eyes open. You had been fighting some thieves… You checked your pockets. The visible gold was gone but they hadn’t found the hidden compartments.

That’s why I stopped rocking the bling in bandit country.  The less visible gold you wear, the less likely you are to get ganked by goons.

You smirked.

*GONG*

…

*Hours later*

Eliza!  Come in here and get Horatio.  Don’t give him back to me until tomorrow!

*Eliza saunters in, snags Horatio, and saunters out*

The new saunter is looking good.  Hey, where’s my-

*Durian pied*

Nice to see you trying new things.

Thieves could be so idiotic sometimes…

I’m pretty smug for a girl who just got knocked out by thieves who ransacked my pockets and left me to die.  But hey, I kept them from finding the Fort Knox worth of gold I’d hidden in my endless anal pouch of holding.

Then you realised…

That there were too, too many ellipses in this paragraph.

This wasn’t the same place as before…

Author.  Stop. It.

Where had the trees gone? The road made from dirt? The sky? Clouds?

Hate it when I loose a whole planet while I’m unconscious.  Thieves probably stole it.

This strange place had a roof. Walls.

How totally bizarre.  Next you’ll be telling me I saw a floor!

Could this be the their hideout? You sat up. You instinctively reached for your weapon. Nothing.  You look down. Not there.

So, thieves worked me over and I was still expecting to find myself armed?  Man, I was a lot stupider back whenever this was.

I guess that explains all the sentence fragments and micro-sentences.

Your Copenhagen eyes scan the room.

I love how fluidly that fits in with the story.

It was hung up.

My eyes?  Who the hell hung them up, and why am I still able to use them if they’re up on the wall!?

HOW THE HELL AM I SEEING MY OWN EYES!?

You were still in your (Insert Armour Here).

(Insert Armour Here) was one of my favorite themed armor sets from the game.  Almost as awesome as the 2007 limited edition [redacted] armor.

Just then you hear the door creak open.

”Oh, you’re awake?” A familiar voice states.

GAH! That isn’t a statement!

…

Damn, no Horatio.  Well, author, consider yourself gonged.

”R… Ryuusei…” You manage to stammer. You had known he was more or less useless, but not so useless that he’d hire thieves.

Uhh, am I suddenly equating uselessness with evil here?  That’s an odd thing for me to do.  Generally kingpins of crime aren’t particularly useless.  Evil, yes; useless, no.

”You seemed to be in a bad condition when I found you, thought I’d help out a bit…” He said, approaching closer.

Ryuusei: After we hang out, I can feed you to the God of Uncreation!  It’ll be fun!

Are you still here?  Go play with your ball or something.

”You make me seem like I can’t take care of myself…” You growl.

Pretty high and mighty for a person who got taken out by common bandits.  I need to learn to pick my fights a little better.

”Seemed like it.. Hold still…” He tells you as he bandages your arm. It was your dominant one. He steps back after he’s done. You look away.

That was nearly as awkward as the time I had to get my bandages changed by Skeletor.

”I don’t need your help, Cartwright…” You snarl.

I really need to learn to pick my fights better.

”Not even a little ‘thank you’? Oh well, always the one with the biggest ego, (Y/N)…” Ryuusei rolls his eyes.

*Checks the script*

“This week Ryuusei will be played by a 14-year old boy.”  Huh.

Ryuusei: How else was I to get the time off to be here?

Seriously, there’s a Datousaurus cookie with your name on it in the kitchen if you hurry.  I can smell the batch coming fresh out of the oven now.

”Says the one who always dresses the flashiest…” You mutter under your breath.

Uh, author, vanity and ego, while related, are actually different things.  I would know that.

Little did you know, that wasn’t the last time he would act this way towards you. A few months later, he came to BattleOn.

Are we talking his first trip where he tried to end the world, or the more recent one where he had somewhat reformed himself?

Ryuusei: Chronology is for the weak.

If I give you fifty bucks, will you bother somebody else?  Goeth could use an Armageddon-starting crazy to talk to.  Might ground him a bit.

”Anything else, (Y/N)?” Yulgar asks you.

GAH!  Where the hell did he come from and why is he in my cell!?

Ryuusei: I put the entire town in the cell!  You’ll never stop me, muahahahahahahah!

”Nope!” You wave your goodbyes. You did need some health potions, though.

Apparently I was able to escape with the clever use of pretending my cell was a shop.  One small purchase is all you need to escape.

Ryuusei: You diabolical genius.

I just got lucky that the smart guards were off duty.

‘Man, being LORE’S chosen is great…’ You think to yourself.

Yeah, yeah.  Could I complete more of my thoughts, please?

Oh, and Lore is the world in which the game is set, for those wondering.  It’s often stylized as LORE because the initial name for the game was Lands of Rising Evil before it was changed to the less pretentious AdventureQuest a few months later.

You suddenly feel cold. You see a man in red collapsing to the ground.  Running closer, you realise it’s Ryuusei Cartwright.

YUS!  Killed him with mah brain!

Ryuusei: No fair!

You quickly get Warlic. He gives him a health potion.

Warlic, you fool!

Ryuusei: See, you can’t kill me because I have the city enthralled.  Charisma is not a dump stat!

After Warlic leaves, you sit down, waiting to greet him back to conciousness.

Wait, when did Warlic lose consciousness?

Ryuusei:  You might have lost control of those mind powers of yours.

WARLIC, NO!  WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

”Seriously, (Y/N), did I have to fake a faint to get this close to you?” Ryuusei asks before pulling you into a deep kiss.

MGGHHMMGFM!

*Ryuusei pulls away suddenly*

Ryuusei: Bleh!  What the hell!?

Where in the name of the gods did that come from!?

Ryuusei: I think it’s the fic!  It has some kind of unholy power over us!

Dude, sit over on the other side of the room, we don’t want that to happen again!

Kestrel : Ryuusei! So glad you could make it, so, what did you think about this chapter?

Ryuusei: I’ll tell you after I’m done gargling molten lava to get rid of the taste.

Har, har.

Ryuusei : It was okay… It showed my soft side, though… Nobody’s allowed to see my soft side…

*Taco repeatedly pokes Ryuusei in the stomach*

I found your soft side.

Ryuusei: Quiddit!

Kestrel : Geez… You’re worse than Artix…

Ryuusei : Hey… Kestrel… I have a question…

Kestrel : Go ahead…

Ryuusei : Did you write this for a certain person, Kestrel?

Uh, yeah.  She wrote it in response to a request she received from Kestrel Lockhart.

Ryuusei: Which is her own screen name.

I was trying not to think about the implications.

Kestrel : *Blushes* Whaaaaa? N… No! Definetly not! W… Why would you ask something like that?

Ryuusei : Because I heard you fangirling while writing this…

Kestrel : Oh…

I honestly have no idea why fic authors think these chatty notes are a good idea.  Author’s notes are bad enough, but these?  I just… can’t.  They’re just too awful I can barely think about them.

Damn… That didn’t go too well, now, did it? Oh well, I might write a Warlic next time… Be prepared… I have a really creepy idea for it…

And thus the fic peters out doing what it does best.

Ryuusei: Abusing the ellipsis?

Abusing the ellipsis.

And with that, this little ficlett comes to a close.   Honestly, not nearly as bad as some of the other stuff I’ve served up in the one-shot tour, but being less-bad than something doesn’t make it good.

I’d like to thank my impromptu special guest-

Ryuusei: Don’t mention it.

– for leaving.  The fic’s over.  Get out.

As for the rest of you, see you next week!  I’ll be starting in on my next project, so look forward to that.

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