774: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Eight and Chapter Nine Part 1

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, patrons!  This week we finally hit chapter 8 and 9, the last chapters before the halfway mark of A Jedi’s Destiny.  Since we’re going to be halfway through, next week I’m going to take a short break from the fic to tackle a few one-shots.  After experiencing hardcore fic burn-out on Raptor and I, I’m making it a policy to break mid-way on any fic that takes more than 10 posts to cover.

Anyway, last time we had a nonsensical time-skip forward of 5 years.  Followed by another time-skip into the future… whenever that happens to be.  Honestly, I’ve got nothing.  This fic is just occurring in random pockets of causality at this point.  Anyway, this future skip happened because an anthropomorphic lion hit a Greek thing with a sword.  That time-skip also bestowed lots of weapons on all the lions, which were suddenly anthropomorphized.  Probably.  Nothing has ever been explicitly described, so I have to make inferences as best I can.

You can just feel the laziness oozing off this story, can’t you?

Otherwise, Buster, the ever valiant leader, tries to abandon the mission to save Vitani as soon as he sees what he thinks are humans.  Luckily, Simba is there to step in and point out that first, Buster should be doing a better job leading, and second, he wasn’t looking at humans, but rather anthropomorphic lions.  These lions have formed a shanty town and plastered Simba’s picture all over the place, I guess because they eventually realized that he should be the one in charge.  Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on.  It’s like somebody tore the middle out of this thing, wrote a few lines to skip the gap, and is just expecting everyone to go with it.  Even fics that start in media res give you more to go on.

So, will chapter 8 sort out this mess?

Chapter 8

A New Lease On Life

If you guessed “yes” then you are in for a disappointing chapter 8.

Outlands

Meanwhile in the same location that the last chapter was in.

Soon every lion under the jurisdiction of Buster could read and weight fluent English.

*Dumps his New Oxford English Dictionary on the scale*

7 pounds 2 ounces.

Eliza, load this into the gong launcher and fire it at Vic.  I have a feeling he may need it.

*Eliza rushes in, grabs the dictionary and leaves*

What? No random nut p-

*Pekea nut pied*

Right, there we go.

The newly acquired intelligence made some lions go insane while most had found a way to cope with the new sensation of knowing complex calculations and other important mankind skills.

*Facepalm*

I wish I were joking when I tell you that this is the closest Vic ever comes to explicitly telling us that all the lions became anthropomorphs.

*GONG*

VIC!  SHOW US SOMETHING!

While Buster was looking around his old home, he noticed that there were some real funny looking symbols over the mouth of the cave.

DAMN YOU, GREEK!  Coming in here and perching on cave mouth uninvited!

At first Buster could not under stand them, but he took a closer look and made sense of them.

Thrill as Buster tries to read!

The symbols were two symbols. “A” And “W”. “Alfa and Omega” Buster said to him self.

*Facepalm* *Headdesk*

First, no.  At least, not quite.  Little and big alpha, sure, those are clearly ‘A’s.  Little and big omega?  Not so much.  Little omega is indeed a w (ω), but capital omega looks quite a bit different, as I’m sure you’re all aware.  And, with the way Greek works, if they are using alpha and omega symbolically this is what you would be looking at:

A Ω

Which, if you have even the most passing familiarity with Greek, you would recognize immediately as Alpha Omega.  So I’m not sure why Buster would have to study it.  Alternatively you’d be looking at αω, which would be pretty easy to confuse with English “aw.”

Second, using alpha and omega to symbolize the beginning and end of something is pretty damn cliché.

*Dusts off the cliché counter and slams it home*

Seen it Before: 8

As is using Greek or Latin as a mystical language.

*SLAM*

Seen it Before: 9

“What would alpha and omega be on my home?” Buster said again.

HIT THE DECK!

*A metaphor bomb goes off in the Library’s control room*

This symbolism is about as subtle as an artillery barrage.

Buster was still looking at the symbols as Zira came up behind him.

GAH!  Damn ninja lions!  Can somebody put a bell on Zira or something?  I tell you, these lions are nearly as bad as the rapto-

*Taco turns slowly to find Crunchy behind his chair staring at him.*

“My food dish is only half-full.”

Uh, try the kitchen.  I think I saw Gumdrop heading that direction with a brace of Pteranodons.

She moved him aside and sat down at his side.

Translation: “Sit down, Buster, before you hurt yourself.”

“What are you looking at Buster?” She asked.

LETTERS!

“Nothing Zira. Lets get back to Outland City before the convoy leaves” Buster said turning away.

Won’t even talk to his mate about the mystery letters.  What a guy.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 24

“I’ll miss this place a lot, Buster” Zira said with a hind of crying.

This is what it feels like when Hinds cry!

Buster stopped walking and turned to Zira. He walked over to her and put his paw on her hers and spoke. “It’s ok Zira. We have a better place to raise our young” Buster finished off with a light lick on her left cheek.

The fact that their relationship is so poorly established makes this come off as far more creepy than romantic.  Especially since all the scenes involving these two are just so wooden and forced.

United States

Oh, good.  I’d been hoping to see more of president stupid and his idiot crew.

The president of the United States was looking at some top-secret documents when Professor X entered his office.

Damn mutants thinking they can just waltz right into the oval office!  Xavier, we knock first!

*Smacks Prof. X with a rolled-up newspaper*

“Ha! PX! Your stupid super race turned against you” the president said.

Ah yes, President Stupid is the very picture of maturity, isn’t he?  Though I guess having a race of super-soldiers murder several million people does qualify for a “neener-neener” moment.

 “I know that sir.

I know that sir, too.  He’s the president.  Again, I didn’t vote for him.  Wait a minute, it’s five years later… how the fuck did this clown get a second term!?

Now it’s my responsibility to locate the number of missing Lions and Lioness’s from my genetics lab” PX said.

Which shouldn’t be hard since you installed a little computer in each one.  Why does the plot keep forgetting about the little computers?  Oh right PCC brand tracking computers; they only appear on the satellite tracking system when the plot needs them to.

“That’s not all you goof Russian.

*Facepalm*

Seriously, Vic, this is the president, not a 13-year-old boy.

The Greek mantle in Athens was reported missing and then found in Africa with one hell of a sword wedged on the top” The president said with an accusing voice.

I keep thinking that there has just got to be some other reading I need to do in order to understand this fic.  Kinda like how reading Dubliners and Picture of the Artist as a Young Man is a really good idea before you try to read Ulysses.

Either that or the author is just blasting stuff out of his ass and hoping it doesn’t come off as totally random.

“Crap. We are screwed” PX finished before leaving the president in his office.

OK, yeah, it’s the second one.

PX walked sown the hallway and noticed how strange it was outside.

Ah yes.  Outside.  Where it’s strange.

*SLAM*

Aha! A Thing!: 8

The sky a week ago was a bright as any typical summer day.

Come to Wisconsin.  Don’t like the weather?  Give it 5 minutes and you’ll have something different.

But now there was a dark green cloud descending on the city.

*Glares at President Stupid*

Dude, I told you “Bean Day” was a bad idea for the congressional cafeteria.

PX walked farther down the hall and stopped at a military info post.

What the hell is one of those doing in the White House!?  And if there is, shouldn’t there be somebody guarding it so that random Russian scientists can’t blunder into them and look at stuff?

The monitors that usually weren’t filled with over extensive text were now reading reports of hideous crimes committed over a 4-day period.

Why is a military information post spewing plot-based information about domestic matters?  Wouldn’t a news-stand or something be better suited to this kind of exposition?

“So, what’s the crime rate at now Lieutenant Summers?” PX asked as he poured him self a cup of coffee.

What he should say: “Don’t know, we’re the military, not the Department of Justice.”

“Well, the last time you asked me was yesterday, right?” Lieut. Summers asked.

“And my answer is the same, I don’t know, go ask somebody in the Justice Department.”

PX looked up from taking a sip of coffee and nodded slightly. “That was 34% and now there is a crime rate of 76%” PX groaned and turned away to his office.

HOLY FUCK!  Guys, if crime rate is at 76%, you may as well just stop pretending you have a country!  You’ve got a dystopia which is in an active state of complete anarchy!

I mean that’s a shit-ton of crime, Vic.  Did you even think that one through?  Even 34% crime means that 1 in 3 people are actively crime…ing.  But 76%?  That’s 3 in 4 people actively committing some kind of crime!  You may as well just pack up and go somewhere else if shit is that bad!  That’s more crime than any given location in the Fallout Universe, and that’s a post-apocalyptic dystopia!

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 31

Also, it’s horrible that everyone is doing crime.  But, I bet they do extra crime at building.  So stay away from there.

*SLAM*

Aha! A Thing!: 9

 When he settled down in his chair, he took another sip of coffee and put the cup on his desk.

Professor X’s cup of coffee is now my favorite character.  It’s gotten more description than a lot of characters at this point.

By now his desk was a total pigsty with mostly documents in Russian.

Why is his office in the White House?  Is this an allusion to them being imperials?  If so, why is the president still around?  The whole point of an empire is that there’s an emperor somewhere who’s running the show.

He looked at his watch and then started to shuffle through some of the papers and pulled out a coffee stained KGB letter that was sent to him 12 years ago.

Man, I thought I was bad about opening my mail in a timely manner.  He probably didn’t even send a thank you card to the KGB.

He then held it to his desk lamp and started to read it.

They have some odd reading habits in Russia, I’ll say that much.

After reading it, an evil smile began to form on his left cheek.

GAH!

Dude, get that shit checked!  Nobody should have smiles randomly appearing on their cheeks!  Especially evil ones!

He turned around in his chair and got up.

But what about the coffee!?  Is it still hot?  Did he put sugar in it?  Cream?  Is it Columbian or Arabic?  What kind of roast was it?  Was it fair trade?  You’re really leaving us hanging here, Vic.

 Then he moved some filling cabinets out from a wall and there before him was an old Russian safe.

No, seriously, what the fuck is this all doing in the White House?

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 32

PX then moved the combination wheel once left, twice right and pushed it in.

So, we don’t get any descriptions of characters, places, or objects, but you describe Prof X turning the dial on a safe?  Vic, to you pacing is just that thing other authors do, isn’t it?

AND WHAT THE HELL EVER HAPPENED TO KAHN!?

The door came open and then he saw an experimental fully automatic pistol and a silenced AK 47.

Oh… good.  Vic is going to try writing about guns some more.  I can’t wait.

*Shudder*

At least those two things are within the realm of possibility.  Pistols can be full auto and AK-47s can indeed be fitted with a suppressor.  In fact, most guns can be fitted with a suppressor if you’ve got the right tools and enough time on your hands.  Even shotguns.

After he had put the pistol in his pocket

Gods damn, dude, that’s a pistol with a full-auto mode you just put in your pocket!  Maybe, just maybe, you should consider springing for a $50 holster.

and the AK 47 on his desk, he found another weapon that resembled a pistol, but was high powered UZI and a whole Kevlar bullet proof body suite with a bullet resistant face shield.

Holy crap!  What else is in that safe!?  Elvis?

And, guy, if you’ve got an AK-47, you can leave the UZI behind.  Unless you’re planning on going into a tight-quarters urban environment, then you probably want to put the AK back in the safe.

 Then the last item was a black robe that only a Male Lion would use when he fights for his Pride.

*Record Scratch*

Wait, what?

I just- WHAT!?

That’s the description you’re going to give us?  Really?  You don’t qualify a damn thing in that sentence and expect it to work as a description!?  What in the fuck, Vic!?

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 33

Screw it, this is the robe I’m going to picture as our “male lion fighting for his pride” outfit:

Sorry, guys, I’ll make sure the next one is man-candy.

I keep hoping that I’ll find some evidence that this is a troll fic.  But, the gods help us all, I think it’s a legitimate attempt.

PX dawned all of the equipment including spare clips in a small bag on the left of the suite.

Wow… I think we have next year’s winner of the most creative use of the wrong words award.

 After he had every thing in place he looked at the black rode that was draped over his chair.

Well, after putting on all that, you gotta sexy yourself up a bit…

“Buster, you better accept me in your civilization or I’ll go as insane as Red Neck with your people” He said in his mind as he pulled the robe over his Kevlar suite.

…
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

This fic can’t possibly be this bad.  I have to have read that wrong.  Let me take a second look, I obviously have missed something.  It’s not possible that the fic would be so stupid that it would do the same thing twice.  Right?

*Re-reads*

…

Nope, it is that stupid.  Excuse me for a moment.

*Taco falls out of his chair*

Warning: Flagrant System Error No. 371. Your Librarian, model: TacoMagic, has ceased functioning due to a dichotomy of impossible stupidity. The unit will shut down now and become inoperable to prevent a potential cataclysmic anti-matter explosion. Please see your local re-spawn point to pick up a new model with the latest anti-stupidity software filters. As always, thank you for choosing PCC brand Librarians!

*After a few minutes Taco walks in wearing a smoking jacket, bicycling shorts, and purple bunny slippers.*

So, for no reason at all, Professor X is going to turn traitor against Russia and join Buster.  So, now two out of three antagonists have switched sides.  If you didn’t read my rant last week as to why this fic was the worst I’ve ever done for the library, please go back and read it because it is absolutely accurate.

Outlands

I never thought I’d be relieved to see that scene tag.

Buster sat down to the dinner table and passed Zira the meat as he did when something concerned him in the government.

I’m just going to assume the dinner table is in building with food and water.

*SLAM*

Aha! A Thing!: 10

Buster usually would not eat as a result of over working, problems at the throne and other things that fell under his power as King.

You see, it may appear that Buster does absolutely nothing at all.  But here Vic has assured us that Buster has duties.  Important ones.   Ones that a king would have.  Because they happen at a the throne.  Well those, and the other things.  You know, the important ones that aren’t like the other important ones but are still totally important but in different ways.

*SLAM*

Aha! A Thing!: 11

Also, you’re not allowed to see or know about the duties because they are none of your business.  But, rest assured that they exist, and Buster totally does them.  A lot.

“Buster is something bothering you?” Zira asked as she took the bowl of meat from his grasp.

If him not eating is normal, wouldn’t you just assume his not eating here is related to that status quo?  Or are you now suddenly catching on that Buster might be a bit stressed?

Well, now that I think about it, this is Zira.  I suppose if she gave her mate the same regard she historically gave her children, it would make sense that she might not actually care what’s going on with him.

“Uh? What? No Zira, umm, yes there is a problem I’m faced with” Buster said looking at his son Dagger across Zira playing with his food.

I was hopping this wasn’t going to happen, but it is.  Vic is suggesting that Kisu is still a child.

*GONG*

Vic, you utterly, completely suck at research.  Kisu was a lion for 5 whole years before everyone was transformed.  Take a moment to look up at what age Lions reach sexual maturity.

There’s also the problem that after 5 years, a lot of the lions in the pride, Zira included, would be quite elderly or dead.  Lions in the wild live 15 years max, though usually closer to 10 or 12.  If we assume buster was JUST sexually mature (around 3 years old) at the start of this thing, and it’s been 6 years (1 was tossed in earlier and then a 5 year time skip), Buster’s got about a year left in him before he keels over.  If we adjust from Lion Years into human years because of the transformation in the last chapter, he’d be about  72 years old.  Zira, on the other hand, has 3 adult cubs, making her at least 6 at the time she mated with Buster, which means she’s now at least 12.  She’d have one foot in the grave if she’d even lived that long.

RESEARCH!

“What is it Buster, a new cub in the kingdom, idiots on patrol, what?”

Idiots on patrol is pretty generalized.  You may want to narrow it down to a group that doesn’t include everyone in your Pride.

” Buster got and reached across the table and smacked Daggers paw. “Ouch! What did you do that for daddy?!” Buster looked his son straight in the eye. “Don’t play with you food boy” Buster said.

It’s really embarrassing when your father does this.  Especially when you’re in what is equivalent to your mid 30s like Kisu is.

Daggers ears dropped and he lowered in his seat.

See, totally humiliating.  Buck up, guy, if you make senior partner maybe your parents will finally recognize how awesome you are!  I’m sure you can do it before you reach middle-age!

“Now go to your room Dagger” Zira finished off.

You know what, dude, just move out or something.  Cheap rent is not worth putting up with this kind of stuff.  You gotta have a buddy at work who’d let you crash on a guest bed or something until you can find a nice loft apartment.

Buster looked over at Zira who slapped her paws together and the little Dagger was out of sight in seconds.

I know mothers always say that you’ll always be their little baby, but Zira is being a little excessive here.  Time to cut him loose, girl.  You’re already cutting it pretty close if you’re looking to ever have any grandbabies.

 “Thank you for finishing off the punishment, Zira. I’m a kind of tired” Buster said getting up to got to the living cave.

*Mouth drops open*

Holy crap.  He was so, so close to actually doing something, and then he just didn’t.  I’m speechless.  He can’t even do the unimportant things that barely have any impact on the plot.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 25

Zira picked up all of the dishes and put them in the sink.

I’m thinking that the dishes here should team up with Prof X’s coffee and go on adventures.

Honestly, that’s the fic I’d rather be reading right now.

She then went into the living cave and found Buster watching the Outland Daily news on the TV.

*GONG*

Vic, don’t replace “cave” with “room” for everything in their house.  That’s almost as annoying as plopping “pony” terms into everything like bad MLP fics do.

She sat down beside him and asked him what was bothering him.

Oh good!  Now we’ll get some exposition that explains what the hell is going on!

When Buster had finished, Zira was still in shock even though she heard the problem over 3 minutes ago.

*Headdesk*

You have got to be kidding me.

 “Are you sure that Professor X is fighting and killing his own creations? Because that makes no sense at all” Zira asked as Buster turned the TV Channel.

Zira, you have a rare gift for profound understatement.

Yes it is the truth. And I’m damn glade that Professor X is wearing an Outlander Black Robe uniform.

“Damn glade?”  I don’t remember that in the Johnson Family product brochure.

May be this is a new chance to strengthen our defenses just in case if an outside Pride tries to take from us which is rightfully ours.

Right, because nothing strengthens a Pride like an ex-evil scientist with a few guns and a robe.  Those make awesome foot-soldiers.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 34

And that’s where chapter 8 peters out.  Let’s see what we have in store for us in chapter 9!

Chapter 9

I.N. Pride’s Red Crossed Symbol

Yeah, I got nothing.  May as well call the chapter “Frosted Aardvark Latrine Stump.”  Makes the same amount of sense.

I also challenge all you writers out there to work that into your next fic.

Buster was working on some kind of work form to allow PX to join as a military General.

Ahh yes, Buster is working on some kind of work.  Probably related to duties that involve building.

*SLAM*

Aha! A Thing!: 12

Which is a great position for a RUSSIAN SCIENTIST.

Buster, you have the same leadership qualities as a pudding cup.

Zira was in the next room of the Outland Senate house meeting with members of the Outland Lioness Group.

Man, everything sounds so important when you add capitalization and extra words.

Sorry, I mean everything sounds stupid.  I get those two words confused a lot.

 Paxton whom was Zira’s nephew from Alicia was old enough to tag around with his aunt and uncle, was bugging Zira for some credits to get a drink.

Yay!  Another faceless generic lion cub who should be a full-grown adult!

And what is this “credits” crap all about?  You destroy a random Greek structure and you get a shanty town that also operates on a futuristic currency?  Gods, this thing is just so stupid I think it’s draining that thing that I think with.

“Later Paxton, later.” Zira whispered into his ear as she leaned side ways to tell him.

An awkward sentence for an awkward posture.  At least there’s synergy.

 “But, I’m thirsty aunt Zira” He whined in an annoying tone.

Well, at least Vic waited until chapter 9 to wheel out the whining.  Most authors break out the insipid whining in the first few chapters.  Finally something nice I can say about this fic!  It delayed the inevitable whining until the half-way mark!

 “Go see if you uncle has some credits, I’m busy little one” Zira whispered again “Don’t call me that!” He yelled.

Do we honestly need this scene?  And shouldn’t Alicia or the nameless babby daddy be taking care of feeding their spawn?  Why is he here mooching off of Zira while she’s in the middle of a meeting?

Having startling every lioness in the room, Zira got up and picked Paxton up by the nap of his neck and left the room.

Now even Paxton’s neck is taking a nap!  What is up with this fic and all the sleeping!?

The hallway was very cold and little lighted when Zira stepped out the door and set Paxton down.

Cold?  Aren’t they in the middle of the Serengeti?  Sure, it’s much cooler at night, but we’re talking about temperatures dipping into the mid 60s here.

“Don’t bother me any more. Now go to your uncle or go home!” Zira said in a threatening voice.

There’s the Zira I know and despise!  We missed you, girl!

Though you really should have bared your teeth and maybe included a death threat.

Paxton’s ears dropped and he slowly turned a way to go to Buster’s office. Zira turned around, still a little steamed and joined her friends for a cup of coffee.

*Raises his hand at the back of the room*

What’s the point of all this, Vic?  You just established an incredibly generic character in a fic already bloated with generic characters.  You have Kisu and Jester* to fill the annoying child angle, so why include Paxton?  And if you are adding him, why introduce him in such an insipid and pointless way. Really, what are you trying to accomplish here?  Well, other than word padding.

Oh, just the word padding?  Carry on then.

*Screw it, I hate that name.  I’m renaming him Chale, which is Swahili for clown.

When Paxton got to Buster’s office, he was afraid that his uncle Buster would send him away like aunt Zira did.

Naw, Buster’s style would be to either ignore you until you went away yourself or wait until you annoyed somebody else enough to make them chase you away.

Paxton slowly opened the door. When he got it halfway open, Buster said. “Come in Paxton, what brings you here?”

The plot.  It kind of ambled aimlessly over in this direction so Paxton figured he’d follow it and see if it actually went anywhere.  Imagine his disappointment when he found out that it didn’t.

You know what, I hate Paxton’s name too.  Let’s see here… Paxton is a Latin and Old English mash-up that means peaceful village, and the Swahili equivalent, according to two translation sources and a Swahili-English dictionary, is Kijiji Kiamani.  We could call him Amani, for peace, but I want something closer to the meaning of peaceful. So, if we look at a similar word, tranquility, we see that the Swahili word Saburi means both tranquility and patience, which is a great juxtaposition to what we know about Paxton.  Picking this name could also be used to foreshadow that he grows into a much more stoic individual, or just as a literal irony that somebody so rash would have that name.  So let’s call him Saburi.

YOU SEE HOW FUCKING EASY THAT IS, VIC!?

Paxton walked over to the empty seat in front of Busters desk and sat down. “I’m thirst Uncle Buster, my I have a few credits to buy a drink?” Paxton asked.

Paxton, you are not “thirst Uncle Buster” you’re Saburi.  I didn’t do that trivial amount of research just to have you call yourself something that acronyms to TUB.

“Why don’t you have some of that water over there, it’s free” Buster said not looking up from his paper work.

That’s the best argument you’ve got for drinking water?  The relative cost?

 Paxton got down and found a cup and poured him self some water.

This is nearly as exciting as the scene where Professor X got a coffee!

Paxton got back in the seat and asked Buster what he was doing. “What are you doing Uncle Buster?”

*SIREN BLARES*

Crap!  Okay, who’s available to stop the DRD!?

*Markus walks in wearing a white spandex uniform*

Um, anyone else?

…

Fine, go to town Markus.  Just try not to corrupt anything expensive with your Stu Ring.

*Markus walks into the hall and the DRD agents promptly melt as he radiates pure Stusomeness at them.*

That’s never going to come out of the carpet.

Now Buster looked up and said. “Paxton buddy boy, this is confidential paper work. Finish you water and then you’ll have to go home. Ok?” Buster said.

Seriously, Vic, what the hell is the point of us following Saburi around while he gets a drink and everyone tells him to go home?  This scene strikes me as even more pointless than all your other pointless scenes.

Paxton looked down at the floor with his ears once again pointing down ward.

Get over yourself, Saburi.  Sometimes adults have important crap to do.  I mean, sure, we’re talking about Buster here so it can’t be that important, but even so, he’s at least pretending he’s busy, which is more than he’s done up to this point.

Maybe you should go find Kisu and Chale and go play.  Since the fic is going with the whole “5 year lions are childen” thing, you should be playing ball, chasing frogs, or getting into other generic lovable mischief.  If nothing else, take your pity party where the audience can’t see it.

A light on an electronic panel caught his attention. “Uncle Buster, what’s that light for?”  Buster looked up and saw his nephew pointing to the enemy detection light.

*Facepalm*

You have got to be kidding me.  An enemy detection light?  Really?  Not going to have scouts, guard towers, sentries, or even a dude looking out a window?  You’re going to have a single light bulb hooked up to the PCC to let you know when the enemy is coming?  And then you’re not even going to keep an eye on it?  This is what you’re calling competent leadership, Vic?

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 25

This Pride would be better served with a soggy bowl of half-eaten Fruit Loops as their leader.

“Crap! Go home now and tell any one you see that there are enemy lions coming from the I.N. Pride!” Buster yelled

*Headdesk*

Buster, this is why you establish both a chain of command AND a plan!  Sending a 5-year-old out to warn random people is not a fucking plan!

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 26

as he moved his paper work aside and started to punch a computer panel.

Dude, just because you’re a lousy leader is no reason to abuse the electronics.  That stuff is expensive, you know.

“Yes sir!” Paxton yelled franticly as he spilled the water over the floor to get to the door.

Next time just put the glass down before you run for it, Spaz.

When out in the hallways, Paxton yelling enemies from the I.N. Pride were on the move, every on his message reached was moving down into the bomb shelters provided.

Woof, that’s an awkward sentence.

Now, the cool thing about never getting descriptions is that you never acquire enough information to become invested in anything that happens.  So, I get to have the roaring good time of wallowing in apathy while we get to see these scenes that are supposedly action packed.

Buster then jammed every radio station and said the following. “This is King Buster. It is apparent that the I.N. Pride Lander’s are on the move to our city.

Hey, numbnuts, if you’re jamming the radio stations, nobody is going to hear anything but static.  Maybe you should commandeer them next time or something.

You might notice that I’m not really mentioning that I have no idea who the hell the I.N. Pride Landers are. Again this stems from my apathy.  They’re obviously some kind of folded-in antagonist to simulate the tension that should be in the story.

Every on is to stay in side at all times as to give the Outland Military personnel complete freedom of movement.

I’ve seen less diplomatically phrased ways of declaring martial law, but diplomatic or not, you just told the audience that Buster is lording over a police state.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 27

 Those whom have no home may use the following buildings for shelter: The Aircraft hangers, school and Outland Senate House bomb shelter.

The aircraft hangars!?  Dude, you do know that aircraft hangars are primary targets, right?  You wanna cripple a modern fighting force, you take out their planes and then their ground vehicles.  The aircraft hangars are one of the first places that these guys are going to try to blow up, you idiot!

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 28

God be with you” Buster finished off.

While out of place, I can’t really harp too much on the sudden God reference.  Buster was kidnapped as a cub and raised by Russians, so it’s likely he was indoctrinated as some form of Christian during that time.

What I will harp on is that this reference is going to serve absolutely no purpose in the fic, so it would have been better to use the canonically established ancestor-based worship; that way you don’t have this random reference hanging out there like a sore thumb.  Or better yet, just go with something generic like “good luck.”

Then a computer voice was activated. “Est. time to arrival: 04:30:50”

Wait, what?  It’s going to be 4 1/2 hours until the enemies arrive?  Kinda jumping the gun on the bomb shelters there, guy.  Everyone’s got enough time to catch a movie and still amble calmly to whatever shelter they want to use, though I still advise against the aircraft hangars.

With in fifteen minutes, all hell broke lose in Outland City as lion’s were trying to get the Lionesses and cubs to their homes or the few available shelters.

Yeah, way to cause needless panic, Buster.  This is totally what you want to have happen a crisis situation.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 29

Lions bought all sorts of weapons from the gun shops and hid in places in the city.

If there is a constant danger of being sieged by whatever hostiles are attacking, why in the name of crap is everyone waiting until the last minute to buy weapons?  And really, if there’s a militia of any kind here, they should already be armed and organized.  Buster, can you pull your head out of your ass for at least 10 minutes and do something that doesn’t make John Lackland look like a competent leader in comparison?

5 hours had passed and there was no sign of the I.N. Pride any were.

*Twitch Twitch*

I love the fact that Vic can’t spell the word “where.”  It’s almost as awesome as his inability to use compound words.

So, in 5 hours, nobody thought that maybe the should check if the little light was right and that there was an actual invading party storming toward their location?  Yeah, seems like an oversight that Buster would make.  Similar to the oversight of not actually taking any measures to slow down or prevent that fighting force from storming over your city.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 30

If you’re going to let them waltz into your city, at least tell the audience why letting that happen is a better idea than trying to battle them somewhere else!

Until Buster heard the distant sound of a mortar gun launching it’s explosive charge into the air.

Right, you needed to give them enough time to set up mortar emplacements around your city so they could shell it.  You forgot to add 15 minutes to the timer for that.

Buster, your inability to make decisions and general inaction is going to get your people killed en mass.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 31

“It’s just my men firing at them” Buster repeated until an explosion occurred just seZiral meters above Buster window.

*Facepalm*

Right, it would be your men firing at them if you’re thought to make those kinds of preparations.  Instead you told everyone to hide and just sit there until the shelling started.

Also, I’m still going with the find and replace Vera theory.

The result was metal and glass flying every which way as Buster hid under his desk shielding t him self from the instantly made shrapnel that took every over lion out in the room.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 32

You make a series of really shitty command decisions and then don’t even have the decency to die with all the fools who trusted you.  What an irreconcilable bag of ass.

Outland Military Compound Professor X was now enjoying the respect of the lions under his power and that was cut short by the form of a mortar shell hitting the roof of the compound.

WHAT!?  You mean we time skipped at some point to when Prof. X is already a general!?  What the hell, Vic!

After arranging a meeting with the lesser ranking officers, PX drafted the beginnings of the Outland Secret Service.

Why?  Why, why, WHY!?  How can this group possibly be big enough to need their own secret service!?  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THIS FIC!?

The first members were 3 hand chosen Outlanders. Two of them being family and the third had no family.

WHAT!?  Why does Professor X have family in the outlanders!?  Or is he saying that 2 of them are related?  If that’ the case, why the hell would he think that’s a good idea?  You don’t make people with family ties to each other into agents on the same force, that creates a conflict of interest!  Gods, X, you’re nearly as bad a leader as Buster is!

There was Xisor, Vitani and Shazer. Xisor was the mate to Vitani and Shazer was a loan lioness.

Fuck! That’s it, I’m done with this thing for the week.  Xisor is a stupid name, Vitani should not be a secret agent, and Shazer is both a stupid name and just a transparent attempt to create another lion couple by pairing her with Professor X.

OK, I gotta get this out of my system because this thing is just so awful.

*Takes his gloves off and throws them into the incinerator*

Vic, this is the worst pile of literary trash I’ve had to wade through for the Library, and you wrote around the same time you were writing your novel.  I know it’s been 13 years, but seeing as you have apparently not ever written anything else (aside from a really terrible Sonic the Hedgehog fic that I’ll be doing at some point), I can’t imagine that you could have really improved your writing.  And your writing is bad, in fact, the worst I’ve seen, and that’s saying a lot.  It needs so much work that 13 years of partial attention to writing “as you get the energy to do it” is just not going to improve it enough to matter.  You see, the thing that improves your writing is writing.  A lot of writing.  And then letting people tear it apart so you can find your mistakes and do it right next time.  But, from what I can see, you’ve only ever written this, the Sonic thing, and your novel, which fills me with deep, deep foreboding.

Vic, you just don’t care enough about the writing to put the time and effort in to do it right.  There’s no shame in that.  Writing is damn hard and takes a lot of work.  Not everyone is cut out for it because not everyone is that dedicated to being a writer.  I’d love to be wrong about this.  I’d love to see your book hit the shelves and become an instant New York Times best seller.  I’ve love to see that, but I don’t think I’m going to.  Everything that I could find about you online paints a picture of a guy who aspires to being a writer, but just doesn’t have the passion and ambition necessary to make it happen.  You just don’t seem like you are cut from the right cloth to ever make it as an author.

So, I say sincerely, if you have been putting anything short of your entire soul into writing that novel, if you have been your own editor and critic for every word in that novel, or if you have been the only person to ever read that novel, then do everyone a favor and keep that novel from seeing the light of day.  If any, or more likely all, of those things are true, and I suspect they are, there’s just no conceivable way that novel could be good.  You need to find a passion that’s real for you.  Writing is probably an idea that you are in love with, but not a true passion.

It’s sorta like how I love comics, and I love the idea of making a comic myself, but I lack the passion and drive necessary to make it happen.  I know that I could apply myself, spend 5 or so years drawing endlessly and writing scripts, spend the money for comic making software, and start cranking them out.  I know I could do that, but I lack the passion required to make me want to devote the time to it.  At the core of it, I’m just not an artist and probably never will be simply because I am not passionate about it.  No shame in that because, if I’m honest with myself, it’s not what I really want to do.  And I think it’s time you’re honest with yourself, Vic.  You need to find a passion, and I think it’s something else.  Something not writing based.

Actually, it’s been at least 6 years since any mention of publishing your novel appears anywhere* and about 8 years since you last posted any writing online.  So, maybe you already have found something else.  We can hope, at least.

*The last reference to his novel was one made in 2008 on Victor’s wikifur page, in the last edit that he did to it.  That was when he said the novel was done and he was looking to publish it.

Anyway, I’m done with this for the week.  I’m taking a one-shot break next week, so look forward to something different.  Probably something Frozen or Phineas and Ferb related.  Later, patrons!

---