589: Devil May Cry 4: Remake – Chapter One
Posted: January 5, 2014 Filed under: Devil May Cry, Devil May Cry 4: Remake | Tags: Devil May Cry, Humor, Romance, SC, Video Game 44 CommentsTitle: Devil May Cry 4: Remake
Author: LightBlueLightning
Media: Video Game
Topic: Devil May Cry
Genre: Humor/Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC
Hello, and happy end-of-the-holidays! I’m SC – Glass Cannon, Badass Bookworm, Gunslinger, and maybe a few other tropes that might accurately describe me. I’m a self-taught author trying desperately hard to get SOMETHING finished, which is quite difficult when you have an imagination like mine that springs up a new idea every single day, even whilst in the middle working on another idea.
Folks around the Library know me as a frequent commenter, something of a sword nut, and that guy who gets all kinds of wacky shit thrown at him, with various horrific results.
Anyhow, I decided that I wanted to try my hand at this whole riffing thing, and I was looking through past MSTs I had done for my first riff. Something I’m familiar with, you know?
I finally came across a Devil May Cry fic that I’d started, made progress on, but ultimately never finished. It’s called Devil May Cry 4: Remake, by LightBlueLightning. At the time of my first go at it, I had given it some wacky purple prose title redux like, “Lucifer Potentially Weeps, Fourth Installation: Altered From Original Production,” which is just a fun little thing I like to do with my MSTs.
What I can tell you of this story:
A) I was riffing it when the author was still writing chapter two, and say through four chapters of it.
B) I learned that the author has a DA account. So do I, two in fact, and for a while, I was worried that I might get the finger from DA due to the author complaining. But, nobody really pays much mind to my work, so I ended up not having much to worry about.
There’s plenty more to note, but I’ll save that for when it happens.
For now, chapter one, called “Lazy Days,” which opens on this author’s note:
Li-chan: Hi guys, well this is me at the start of my Devil May Cry fic, i’m very excited about this, and I hope it goes well.
No points to whoever accurately guesses that Li-chan is short for LightBlueLightning. That’s rather a given.
When I first found this fic, the author’s note was enough to worry me greatly, and my worries were confirmed when:
Dante: Me?I’m just glad you untied me.
Li-chan: No one asked you…AND I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!?
Dante:…well not much we can do now huh?
…Yeah. It’s one of those.
I was actually sad to see this, because when an author says that they’re excited about something they’re working on, I want to root for them. I’m a very Honor Amongst Authors kind of person – if there’s anything I can do to help a story, I will. I only do MSTs for humor’s sake, or when the story needs its flaws pointed out, or when I see an obviously bad story getting nothing but praise and feel that justice has not been served.
I didn’t want to do an MST of this story… well, at first. It got easier once I figured out her posting habits, and discerned that there was no possible way she could have taken the time to go over her work and edit it, meaning that she was just literally farting into a word processor and hoping that would be good enough.
To note: in the early chapters at least, she gave herself about two days to write a chapter. I know this because it usually takes me a day and a half to write an MST chapter and post it. The chapters aren’t long, per se, but when you look at the way she writes, it’s pretty easy to guess that she’s probably a peppy tween with a lot of things to do in her life, so she can’t be bothered to slow down and work out the kinks in her writing. She doesn’t have the kind of dedication or passion that people like those who frequent the Library, or who hang out on the PPC board might.
The end result is what you’re reading now, and was what brought me to MST it the first time around. I ultimately gave up on it, because I couldn’t keep up with the author’s pace. I’m back now to try and see it through, but I can’t make any promises that I’ll succeed.
So, the author’s note ends with Ye Olde “I Own Nothing/Original Work, Do Not Steal” spiel, Dante gives a somewhat awkward “Let’s get this party started!” line, and the chapter begins with a long, unnecessary line dividing the author’s note and the fic, proper.
I call it “flatlining” whenever I see it.
“Devil May Cry?…Sorry you’ve got the wrong guy, you might wanna call the police about that.”
You know, I get calls all the time about the bank being robbed as well. People, my GRANDFATHER is the cop, not me!
‘It would be nice to get an actual job instead of people calling me about they’re stolen wallets and…lost kittens…’
They ARE stolen wallets and lost kittens?! Wow, Fortuna really is going to hell in a handbasket!
The devil hunter sighed at his thoughts as he leaned back in his chair and propped his feet on the desk.
This I’ll leave be. Dante is very much prone to lazing about the office when he’s not working.
Lately Dante hasn’t been getting many jobs, it seemed like all the demons were gone on some group vacation.
To note, for the unaware: Dante is the owner, proprietor, and a field agent for Devil May Cry, a private agency dedicated to demon slaying. It looks a good deal like a frat house from the inside. And in order to place a job to DMC, you need to call a specific number and know a specific password, so there are questions as to how these random people keep getting through to Dante, himself, without realizing beforehand that they might have dialed a wrong number.
At first Dante enjoyed the lazy days but soon they got boring. On top of that he was in need of money.
Dante is always in need of money; he runs a damn demon slaying agency, how much business could he really get in Fortuna when demons aren’t attacking?
More astute fans of the series than myself will recall, of course, that Dante didn’t always work in Fortuna. But, as this is supposedly a remake of the fourth game’s plot, that really doesn’t matter now.
It was beginning to annoy him how people called him for the randomest things…
I have it on good authority* that “randomest” isn’t a word.
*Okay, it’s just the Specs and Co., but still.
what was starting to scare him was the fact that because of his need for money he was tempted to accept some of the random jobs.
I don’t see why he would; even when he’s in a financial fix, Dante is pretty strict about keeping to his job description. Especially since he’s kind of a wanted man by the time of DMC4, by a villain-in-hero’s-clothing group of religious zealots who, ironically, worship his father as a god.
Mind you, Dante is always a wanted man by somebody.
‘…Maybe chasing lost kittens isn’t so bad…it’s easy…and If i get payed..
*Dante* …I can go back to school and get edu-muh-cated!
His thoughts were interrupted as the phone rang.
“Please be an actual job.” He exclaimed.
Quick grammar lesson:
Exclamation is exactly what it sounds like – it’s a shout. Shouts, in literature, are usually followed by an exclamation point, which looks like this: (!)
Dante is either really bored, which would suit his character because when he’s not working he tends to eat pizza and be lazy, or he just flat-out wasn’t exclaiming anything, which would make more sense.
He inhaled as he answered the phone, silently hoping it’s not another random request.
Author, tense shifting is not good writing!
“Devil May Cry?”
“What? No, I didn’t order a- hold on, the pizza is how big? And it comes with bottomless drink refills? Okay, so maybe I did order a pizza.
“Where the hell have you been for a week?” The voice of Lady asked angrily.
O hai, Lady!
And since you asked, Dante’s been at his office, where I assume he usually is when not slaying demons or hanging out on the town.
“Home.” He answered simply.
Lady growled at this.
“Doing what?”
“…Stuff…”
Oh, you cheeky shit, you.
“Dante…”
“Okay fine I’ve been doing apsolutely nothing, no jobs just random people asking me to do random stuff!”
I never realized that Dante was such a whiny bitch. Although, Lady did ask.
She snickered slightly at this.
“Soo, feel like ending that lazy streak?”
That depends, Lady, did you just unseal the Temen-ni-gru?
“You’ve got a job for me!Great!What is it?”
You could stand still and let her use you as target practice to punish your horrible lack of spaces.
“…Actually no, Trish and I were wondering if you wanted to go with us to this new club, it opened about two weeks ago. It’s still kind of new.”
*Alarms blare*
Fuck! It’s only my first day riffing, and I already have to deal with this shit?!
*SC whistles, and from off-screen, Bifocals tosses him a rifle with a revolving minigun barrel and a magazine of oddly turquoise ammo*
Suck nano-bullets, suckers!
*Turquoise tracers pummel the DRD agents*
They’ll be fine. The nanomachine coating left behind from the bullets automatically heal the bullet holes. It’s a lethal dose of non-lethality!
Just… Don’t ask how Bifocals made it. I gave her a rubber band, play-dough and a water pistol, she gives me this thing in return. I just can’t.
A disappointed look formed on his handsome features.
Well, I didn’t ask for your input, Dante!
“…Fine…it beats sitting here doing nothing…what time should I-
“We’ll be coming for you Dante.”
…So what time should he be getting dressed?
“Okay,anything else?”
“…When are you gonna pay me back?”
Dante does nothing but give to you, Lady, and all you do is take and take and take!
“…Soon…I just told you I haven’t had a single job for the past week and you know I’m…short…”
Ooh, sounds like Dante’s having trouble rising to the occasion. OH! ZING, MOTHERFUCKERS!
…I just said that out loud, didn’t I?
“You’re always short…
Lady, you heartless bitch!
never mind just get you’re ass ready by seven.”
“Will do, see ya.”
*Dante* By the way, how’d you know my real name was Ass?
He said as he ended the conversation, he thought it would be nice to go out.
He also realized that he was missing his quotation marks, and was also referring to himself in the third person.
But he was still upset over the fact that he didn’t have any jobs to do,and Lady asking him about his debt didn’t help at all.
Asking him to go clubbing probably doesn’t help either, since Dante’s kind of strapped for cash as it is, and when he goes to a bar, he slams ’em back hard.
‘I guess I can just hope that this’ll be a fun evening’
Because you can totally have a bad night where beer, beats and buxom broads are involved, right, Dante?
After some flatlining, we move on to:
A figure clad in blue stood at the entrance of Temen-ni-gru.
‘The time has come that I retrieve what is rightfuly mine.’
O hai, person I couldn’t possibly know at all!
Some more flatlining, and a final author’s note to end the chapter:
Li-chan: That’s it guys, please review!
Dante: See ya next chapter!
I think we all know what our reviews of this are.
That’s it for chapter one, people! Here’s hoping this thing went off relatively hitch-free, and I’ll see you whenever I can get chapter two posted!
Once again, I am SC, and-
*SC ducks as a Dadao sword flies over his head and sticks in the wall at the other end of the room*
-I need to go smack a motherfucker!
C’mere, Sports Shades!
Library of the Damned 
Dayum… That’s one crazy lady you got working with you, SC!
I know, she’s great.
What I’m not so sure about is the logic behind-
Oh, wait, if I acknowledge the fail levels of her powers, they stop working. I almost forgot.
Wait… Didn’t Vergil get sealed away at the end of DMC3 or something along those lines? Why the hell is he showing up in a remake of DMC4 when that would be completely illogical?
According to the wiki, he fell into the demon realm after losing a big fight with Dante and got sealed away with it, essentially removing all odds of him returning unless the demon realm was unsealed again. And since Virgil’s only half-demon and can only hold out against real demons for so long, I assume he is well and truly dead.
So, honestly, I don’t know. It could be some other guy in blue and I’m wrong, but I’m not about to brush this possibility aside, given what little of the fic I actually know.
Well, knowing fanfic authors, it might just happen…
Actually, on that thought: what’re your thoughts on the reboot?
You mean the game?
Eh. I prefer the originals, but as I’ve never played DmC, I’m willing to believe that it’s just some sort of story about Dante’s early years, possibly before his hair turned white.
Unless I find out that the plot doesn’t accommodate this idea, that is.
I won’t say that it’s not a good-looking game. I just don’t like where it’s going, is all.
If you meant the fic, however, THAT reboot is definite crap.
… There’s a fic reboot?
Recall that this fic is called Devil May Cry 4: Remake.
Ah. Haha, no, I meant the game reboot. ‘Cause I heard some pretty good things, actually.
It probably is a good game, I’m just one of those people who are dead-set on the classics is all.
It is actually a pretty good game. A few issues, but overall quite enjoyable. I’d definitely recommend it.
Fair enough, I can accept that.
Education time, children!
*dons scientist outfit*
DMC3 was a prequel and, chronologically, set before DMC1. At the end of DMC3, Vergil does indeed get stuck in the demon realm and arrogantly challenges Mundus, the demon lord that Sparda (Dante and Vergil’s father) sealed away at the cost of his own life (or demonic power, it’s not exactly clear).
Needless to say, Vergil lost that fight, and was turned into Nelo Angelo, a recurring boss in DMC1.
After that defeat, Vergil was definitely dead, though Nero (protagonist of DMC4) may or may not be Vergil’s son. The signs of this are pretty clear: he’s able to wield Vergil’s sword, his Devil Trigger looks a hell of a lot like Nelo Angelo, he’s said to have the “blood of Sparda” or something like that, he has a thing for the colour blue, and at one point, Nero talks about when he got his demonic arm. He specifically mentions a voice in his head saying, “Power. Give me more power.” (One thing Vergil valued above all else was power; that’s why he participated in the whole Temen-ni-gru thing.)
To put it simply, Vergil as a character is most definitively dead by DMC4.
*removes scientist outfit*
Okay, I’m done nerding.
So my point still stands, then. Awesomesauce.
Huh, I didn’t know that.
Guess the wiki had a need of some detail tweaking, then.
*Falls to his knees*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
And SC just summed up about 95% of the stuff featured in the Library.
I have those moments occasionally.
[…] Devil May Cry 4: Remake […]
[…] Oh, wait. […]
….So…..this is basically your way of mocking me…huh?
Back when I wrote this…I was really young and I had no clue on writing properly…
A lot of bad things have happened..they made me mature in a way….seeing this…kills me…
I think….I think you just made me flat out give up….there…that’s what this did…You think I don’t know it’s a bad fic? I’m not that My Immortal idiot who keeps arguing with people, I KNOW it’s bad, and …actually wanted to fix it some day…but..this…this killed me…you killed me…my passion….it just…nothing matters anymore…writing was my life….and….you’re probably just going to go and mock this comment as well.
I won’t even ask you to take this down, because I know you won’t because this is what you apparently live for….ruining someone’s dream..
Honestly? Cry me a river.
I used to be on your side. I used to be following this fic in the hopes that it would succeed. I was riffing it on good humor at the time.
Eleven chapters and a death threat later, that all changed.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve lost your will to continue writing. That was never my intention. But, you know what? If you’re willing to let the words of one critic tear you down and make you give up, maybe you weren’t as passionate about it as you thought, and maybe it’s for the best. Writing is av hard, painful process, and you’re going to have people who don’t see things like you want them to. That’s the point – if you truly are invested in your craft, you’ll suck it up and take the criticisms as you base to improve from. But if you’re going to let me – an anonymous voice in the wind – decide whether or not you continue doing something you supposedly enjoyed, then perhaps it’s time for you to find another passion.
But for God’s sake, don’t whine to me about it like a kicked puppy. That doesn’t garner sympathy from me, it makes me think less of you. Have some dignity, good grief.
Death threat?
Back before I riffed chapter five, I left an anonymous review pointing out some of the problems I saw with the fic. Within a matter of hours, that review was deleted, and one of LightBlueLightning’s other commenters hurled a half-hearted death threat at me.
… Wow, that’s just terrible.
Alright then, listen like I said I was in fact being a bit dramatic I tend to do that,
But you can’t expect everyone to react in the same way about your critique, someone will give up someone will fight….
Now I don’t know how to explain this, I went through several mood swings while reading this, at first I was sad and that is when I wrote this, but then I became so flat out angry I wanted to murder something.
So there you have it blame mood swings.
I will not in fact give up, I’m quite an emotional person so I often do what my heart says at the moment without using my brain. Just one of my many flaws.
So, nope not dropping it, going to wrap up a fic I’ve been working on and then rewrite it all, drop by sometimes if you wish, I don’t mind critique, CRITIQUE, not just saying things like train-wreck and shit and similar things.
You can’t assume people will know your supporting them…I don’t see this as any support, but when you actually clarify your intention it starts to make sense and sheds light on the matter.
Do what you will. Glad to hear you’ve snapped out of it, but as far as I’m concerned, my mind is made up.
I’m done with you. I’m done with your work. I’m done with your mood swings. All this is just too little, too late for me.
“Not giving up”? Then what was all that “you’ve killed my passion” bullshit?!
Oh, wait. Guess I just answered my own question.
Heh, wow. I don’t even know where to begin with this.
Firstly: Enough with the freakin’ ellipses. It’s not clever or dramatic, it’s annoying.
Second: Some people getting snarky has “killed your passion”?
Wow, there’s ‘unable to take criticism’, and then there’s this.
Look, the moment you uploaded that story, you opened yourself to criticism just like this. If you can’t handle that, maybe you shouldn’t have bothered.
To quote Q from Star Trek: The Next Generation: “If you can’t take a little bloody nose, maybe you ought to go back home and crawl under your bed.”
Third: “Nothing matters anymore”? “Writing was your life”? Even the most devoted emo would tell you to tone it down right now.
Let me explain something to you, there is a thin line between criticism and being flat out rude. Yes, I realize I sound like a kicked puppy, and I suppose I should apologize, it is due to personal matters and finding this had in a way made it escalate.
I never intended to garner sympathy as you would like to assume, now I do know the story is bad, complete crap, that does not change the fact that you are being quite heartless, so that is why in fact you surprised me I expected more mocking.
The thing that really angered me was a comment declaring that stories from Serbia and Canada I believe are always crap, because well that’s no longer relevant to the fic, it is in fact borderline racism. I do understand this is not your doing, but it added to my rage.
I actually giggled a few times during these reviews, and then you went out and just insulted me, I can understand that you feel like I was not taking it seriously, but think of this, I was a young immature kid and English was my second language, I don’t exactly have much ways to express anything then.
Why even bother continuing to mock somebody who let me be the nail in the coffin that made them give up with a whimper?
When I got upset and insulted you, even THAT was because I was holding out for you, and cared enough about the work you had done to get offended at what was wrong. Throughout the entirety of this riff, up until I finally quit because I was too angry to continue with a clear head, I was trying to night you in such a way so that you would IMPROVE, so that you’d SUCCEED and become a better writer than you were! Everything I said or did was to try and make you get mad at me and improve in spite of me, and maybe when you had calmed down and looked back at what you did, you would have seen my intentions and continued improving from then on! I would NEVER try and make somebody give up a writing dream, not ever!
But no. You turned around and just threw it all in the bin.
Even EclipsePheniox, practically the Library’s greatest pariah, put up more of a fight than you did. He gave us a reason to keep going at him. You’ve given us all the proof we need that you’re just a lost cause.
The person who made you fail wasn’t me. It wasn’t the other Librarians. It wasn’t even the barbs I hit you with. It was YOU. YOU GAVE UP ON YOUR DREAM.
It’s a bit too late for you to start getting your back up with me now. You’ve already shown me that the work I put in to supporting you, to getting on your case and hoping you’d take the bait and run with it, was about the biggest waste of my time thus far in my life.
Look, I understand being angry, but taking it out on us because we made fun of something that even you admit is a piece of crap?
You’re really not doing much to show that you’ve moved past the immaturity.
Look, honey, the way I see it, you have two options right now:
A: Suck it up, move on, and genuinely try to improve yourself.
B: Keep going as you are and lose any credibility you might have left.
Your choice.
You’re being more over dramatic than William Shatner. If you’ve based your dream on the ability to write FANFICTION then you really need to reset your ideals. That’s a pretty low dream. “I will be the best stealer of copy written work ever!” Because that’s what fanfiction, at it’s core, is: elaborate plagiarism of someone else’s intellectual property.
No actually, Fanfiction is a way to practise before publishing something original, that is my dream.
Then quit your bitchin’ and write something original, then submit it for publication. Don’t get all “woe is me” because your fanfiction got ripped apart for being crap. Guess what? Published authors have their stuff ripped apart, too. You don’t see them giving up. If it is truly your dream to write, then fucking do it anyway. Otherwise it must not have been that important to you in the first place.
Then why didn’t you take SC’s advice in the one time he tried to extend an olive branch in your direction?
‘Cause see, SC tried to help you at one point. You remember the calm anonymous review that he left on your story that pointed out the problems with your story? I’d like to point out that that was written after he snarked chapter 5. So even when he was snarking you, he was trying to help you.
And yet you threw his advice to the side by deleting that anonymous review, calling it a flame, and then doing absolutely nothing to rebutt the various people that amplified the drama. You know, even though you asked people for reviews, which implicitly opens yourself up to receive at least some negative feedback.
If you had no clue on how to write properly, the least you could’ve done was to listen to people when they were trying to be nice to you. But you didn’t.
And now, here you are.
Also, you’re letting one dude on the internet kill your passion for writing entirely. If one dude on the internet making fun of your previous work is enough to cause you to want to stop writing, then maybe you should take a step away from the computer and re-evaluate what you’re truly passionate about.
‘Cause see, here’s the thing: if you were really passionate about your “dream”, you’d move on and keep pursuing it. Stephanie Meyer got a lot of hate for writing Twilight as a series, but did she give up? Fuck no! She gave us The Host after that! Did Florence Foster Jenkins give up singing after people talked about how bad she was? Absolutely not! She kept right on singing, even though she was the worst singer of all time! And did John Cage burn all his manuscript paper after Arnold Schoenberg told him “you’re banging your head against a wall ’cause you’re shit at harmony”? Well, if his response of “then I’ll keep banging my head against that wall” is anything to go by, the answer is no.
Your work got mocked on a website. And how do you reply? You sit here, wallowing about how one guy “ruined your dream”, and you just give up entirely. If you’re so quick to give up something you claim to be passionate about after someone goes through and points out every little thing with snarky comments, then frankly, you were probably never passionate about it in the first place.
So if you expected any sympathy from us, you’ve come to the wrong place, lady. Take your self-inflicted “woe is me” bullshit elsewhere, we’re not going to take it here.
How dare you?
How dare you claim to understand what you posted wasn’t good when your response to criticism is this? How dare you claim to possess the desire to improve when this is what happens when someone offers criticism in any manner, riff or comment or otherwise? How dare you hide behind the excuse that fanfiction is a writer’s sandbox when your reaction to the criticism that claim opens you up for is to throw a fit?
How dare you claim writing is your passion when you are willing to allow any voice of criticism or disapproval to completely shatter your desire to write?
I’ve had bad reviews. I’ve had negative feedback on my writing. I’ve even opened up my own original work for review and had some drafts ripped apart by a family member. I’ve had friends and relatives completely blow me off when I’ve asked them to read my work. I never once gave up because they were mean to me, or because their criticism or lack of interest hurt my feelings.
You don’t even know what writing is if you think it’s not going to hurt when it’s criticized. Writing is agony. Writing is ripping yourself open and pouring your lifeblood into ink and pixels and setting it out for the world to defend or destroy as it chooses. Any true writer knows that and accepts it.
If you give up now—if you turn criticism of work you admit is faulty into an excuse to play the racist card, into an excuse to say you were “just a kid”, into an excuse to make SC the bad guy when he tried his damnedest to help you in every way he knew how—you are no writer.
And if you choose to attack us for having an opinion—the one thing above all else that any writer should defend and praise with their very last breath—you do not deserve to call yourself a writer. You barely deserve to be remembered as a budding scribbler.
Crawl away to whatever dark corner you’ve prepared for yourself. Make yourself a false martyr for all your slavering little followers to white knight. You do not deserve to stand among those who truly have a passion for their writing.
Do as you wish, I’m not going to beg for you to look at my work or anything.
I just feel as if, had you shed light on your intention this would have worked out differently, because well, reading the comments just made me think you were either a troll or just an ass.
It sort of stops people from seeing the part where you try to help…though it is a good way of motivating someone, it backfires when you deal with people like myself.
Clearly—cowards like you aren’t worth the effort of attempting to mentor.
Coward? Why am I a coward? Because I didn’t start throwing insults or arguing?
As Kitty said, it’s ’cause you’re afraid of criticism, to the point that you express the desire to quit at the slightest provocation.
In any event, I think we’ve carried this out long enough. I’m closing the comments for this installment of snark. LBL, don’t bother trying to comment on any of the other installments of snark: you approach those, I’m locking down those comments threads, too. We’ve already said our piece, you’ve already said yours, and there’s no need to exacerbate this any more, now, is there?
Because you are afraid of criticism, and because you have the gall to blame us for your own failure. Get out of our library; you’re stinking the place up.
It appears you chose option B.
A pity, but wholly unsurprising.
Any “defense” you try to use is just so much dust in the wind at this point.
As one last piece of advice: quit now.
You clearly do not have a “passion for writing” if you let criticism affect you this badly. Find something else to do with your time, for your own sake if nothing else.