904: X-Com:The Kisaragi Squad – Chapter OnePosted: December 11, 2014
Title: X-Com:The Kisaragi Squad
Author: Axel The Moon
Media: Video Game
Topic: XCOM/Corpse Party
URL: X-Com:The Kisaragi Squad: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to the Library.
Hey, guess what? It’s time for another XCOM crossover! Sorry, Fraug, but I found a different flavor of bad XCOM crossover that has nothing to do with shitty science and shitty AU timetables.
‘Cause this time… Oh, this time, we have a crossover that makes even less sense. Why?
Well… to see that, you have to know what Corpse Party is. So stay tuned, this is gonna be a long, looooong explanation.
Okay, so for those of you who aren’t familiar with that game (which is likely a vast majority of you), Corpse Party is a Japanese horror game that was actually originally developed with RPG Maker.
Of course, that had its own limitations and it couldn’t get everything across, so there exist two remakes of it: there is one for Windows called Corpse Party: Blood Covered that is currently unreleased in America, and the other is Corpse Party: Blood Covered… Repeated Fear, which was released for the PSP, and which also did see an American release as simply Corpse Party.
Aside from being graphically updated, the story was also vastly expanded, with new characters and a shitton of alternate endings per chapter. Most of those endings are the ones where your characters fuck up in some way, and… well…
It’s spawned off a whole franchise since then, but since most of it is expansion after expansion of the story already found in the existing Corpse Party material (and especially since an even larger portion of it suffers from No Export For You), we won’t be touching on those in this snarking. ‘Sides, they’re not really important to what’s going on.
And here’s where things start to get interesting: the plot. See, Corpse Party takes place entirely within Heavenly Host Elementary School. It’s an old elementary school that was torn down at some point, over which the Kisaragi Academy was built. The reason it was torn down? Well, there were several murders, kids vanished, and some very creepy goings-on happened.
And then that brings us to the present day:
These guys get pulled into the plot when they decide to perform a ritual with a paper doll in the middle of Kisaragi Academy on a rainy night. And then, before they know it, they’re transported into this bizarre alternate dimension, in which Heavenly Host Elementary School resides. And from there… well, it’s basically a large-scale haunted house story, with people going bat-shit insane, spirits that want to kill you, a mystery to solve on how to get out, all that jazz.
Yep, listen to the key words: “haunted house story”.
And somehow, someone thought it would be a good idea to cross that over with “defend the earth against aliens”.
You may all headdesk now.
Oh, but it gets better! See, here’s the author’s note:
Author Note:I alway wanted to do this ever since I saw player using cast from Corpse Party in X-Com this take 3 month after the Invasion.
Holy God, that grammar! Ah! No plurals, bad capitalization, missing articles… Good God, this is… I can’t even!
But, more importantly, pay attention to the influence this author claims: according to him, this was all based on the fact that he saw one dude rename all the characters so they were named after the cast of Corpse Party.
Yes! Because basing your entire crossover on a thing that’s only possible thanks to one of XCOM’s gameplay quirks is such a brilliant idea!
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Something tells me this guy got as far as “XCOM with Corpse Party characters” before he started writing. How much do you guys wanna bet this story will have a random events plot?
Disclamer:I do not own Corpse Party and X-Com,only the plot and the OC.
*does the disclaimer dance*
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the meat of the fic, shall we?
Hightway on Osaka,Japan.11:30 PM.
Wait a minute… is that…
What the hell is up with the punctuation in this fic? I… I can’t be seeing that.
That’s a fluke, it has to be.
“Urgh”Said a female soldier in pain as she was limping away from her was wearing a chocolate brown armor and was armed with a laser codename was “Long Shot”.She was wearing a helmet,so no one can’t see her face.
Oh my God, it’s not a fluke!
Author, I just… seriously? Use the fucking space bar! You know how it works because the sentences refrain from being word structures longer than “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”, so you have no excuse! Leave a space where appropriate in the punctuation, if you don’t mind!
Also, is that “chocolate brown armor”? Huh, I didn’t know Willy Wonka dabbled in armory. I guess the appearance of our new alien overlords prompted him to do more than sit around handing out golden tickets to random children…
Ah, well, I guess we’ll see this unknown female fight off aliens, right?
Her attacker was’nt a Sectoid,but a was a male,wearing a red magneta armor,without the helmet of has a black hair,his skin tone was japanese look at her with a maniac smile on his was know as the “DeathStalker”.
What the… what the fuck is that!?
Okay, first off… so her attacker isn’t a Sectoid, but a human. Considering that this was posted after the release of Enemy Within, I’d by this if this was EXALT. There’s just one tiny little problem with this picture…
Second, author… Good God, was InsaneDoctor the beta-reader for this story? I just… what is this!? This is the return of the sentenceograph, and it’s a return where I can’t make out what half of it is actually saying!
Thirdly… “maniac smile”? Um… you did have a dictionary on hand so you could see that the better term would be “maniacal”, right?
And… and oh dear God, really?
his skin tone was japanese
Great, we’re now starting to inch back to these days:
“Hahaha,who would thought,that even the most fearless soldier,would crawl down in fear,hahaha.”
Well, certainly not the reader, considering that we’ve just been dropped into the situation with no preamble and with no idea who this lady is.
Said the “DeathStalker” as he watch his prey trying to get was badly injure,
Wait, she’s trying to get more injured than she already is? Huh, that actually strikes me as being really counterintuitive for a variety of reasons. I mean, I have no idea what her injuries are, so maybe it’s—
her left arm was bleeding non-stop,her leg was broken due to been shot and she can’t move since she has fall from a small building.
*checks author’s profile*
Oh. Well, turns out he’s from Puerto Rico. Hence, the really bad English grammar.
¡Oye, chiquitín! Ustéd no puede, yo no sé, ¡¿aprender la lengua antes que escribe algo en esta lengua!?
*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*
Good Jesus with a pikestaff, dude! And some of these errors aren’t even attributable to “lost in translation” issues! This is just… what the hell is this? “She has fall from a small building”? “Leg was broken due to been shot”? The constant tense shifts?
You know, a part of me is desperately hoping that this guy is a troll who’s trying to write a fic in-character as Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I just… please, please let it be that.
“Damm,I’m not gonna die yet,not until I have what they take from me.”Whisper the female soldier,who by the look of her voice,she seem to be a teen,problaby at 16.
*brain screeches to a halt*
*goes to Uncle Google*
What the fuck, XCOM? You’re taking in sixteen-year-old soldiers!? I just… She’s sixteen! Japan’s enlistment age is eighteen, for fuck’s sake! Are you seriously telling me that this is acceptable on anyone’s parts!?
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
And suddenly, I want XCOM to start up the Lazarus Project. Seriously, I’ll take “resurrecting historical badasses is a good idea” over “we will now enlist random sixteen-year-old soldiers” any day!
“Hehe,don’t worries “Long Shot”,I’ll make this quick,by using my own.”
You’ll make it quick by using your own… trout?
As DeathStalker said,he took out a unique knife.”But after I’m done with you,I’ll tell “him” to said hi for you.”The “DeathStalker” said,wanted to see “Long Shot”‘s reaction.
Oh my God, dude, chill out with the quotation marks! You don’t need to add the quotation marks every time you say someone’s nickname! That’s just r—
*clamps hands over mouth*
Oh, good, that didn’t trigger anything. The last thing I need is to bring them in while looking at an overly-clichéd villain line…
Oh, and by the way? All of the previous ficquotes? One paragraph.
Yup, that’s right, this is one of those fics that puts multiple speakers in the same paragraph:
“Don’t dare hurt my little brother!”She yell as she realise what he was talking this,he laught insane.”How can you do about it?You be death by the time I find him.”He said with a evil smirk and then,brought the knife up,preparing for the this,she close her eye,waiting for him to stab her,but not before a tear struck down on her.
Yare-yare, where do I begin?
Okay… So this random Japanese teenager is worried about her brother… so why is that important? Second, “laught”? Um, no, honey, that’s not a word. It’s just… it’s not a word. And then… Oh dear God!
You be death by the time I find him.
So when the magenta-armored dude finds her brother, she’s going to become the Grim Reaper? Huh, I wasn’t aware that the Grim Reaper had that whole Dread Pirate Roberts thing going on.
but not before a tear struck down on her.
“Yes, I will let you kill me. But first, allow me to hand you this axe made entirely out of the tears of orphaned children so you can strike me down.”
‘I’m sorry everyone,it seem…I wont be back afterall.’Was the last thing she thought as she feel a sharp pain in her stomach.”DeathStalker” was preparing for the final blow for her death.
And then this random lady got killed, and never had to be in this fic. The end!
Hooray, I think we can all go—
Or it was suppose to be.
She hear a gunshot and then the bullet hit on something eye still close.
*sighs, sits back down*
Okay, who’s a Big Damn Hero this time?
“DeathStalker” was surprise that there would be another soldier here.”End of the line,”DeathStalker””Said a male look to see another soldier,wearing a black metal armor with a helmet his right arm,there was a symbol that shape in X,by the look of his height,he is 16 year old like the female soldier.
Okay, so, supposing you can actually make sense of whatever the fuck it is we just read, I’m going to assume that random teenage soldier got rescued by another random teenage soldier. Okay, when the fuck did this turn into Neon Genesis Evangelion? ‘Cause I’ll be damned if I can tell you what the fuck any of this is supposed to do with either XCOM or Corpse Party.
“DeathStalker”reconize him and a smirk apeared on his face.”Well,well,if it ain’t “Black-X”,you alway apeared before me.”
That has to be the absolute lamest military code-name for anyone, ever.
Also, I hope that smirk appeared on his nose. That would’ve been good for some nightmare fuel—which is something this fic desperately needs if it wants to call itself a Corpse Party fanfic…
DeathStalker said to Black-X,who was standing at top of the broken car,with his black and blue rifle aiming at his head.”Seem like fate choose to meet…Kizami.”Black-X said and fire at DeathStalker,know as Yuuya Kizami.
And within one fucking sentence of this dude’s introduction, I can tell you that this is going to just disregard everything about Corpse Party and just make a random events plot with characters who are named after Corpse Party’s cast. I’m not even kidding, that’s how long it took for this fic to completely disregard the canon characterizations of Corpse Party’s cast.
Okay. Yuuya Kizami. Where do we even begin with Yuuya Kizami?
He’s one of the characters that was added to the various remakes of the game. See, the nine people in the photo above weren’t the only people to attempt the paper doll ritual: there were other people that tried to do it and got stuck in Heavenly Host Elementary School. Kizami here happens to be one of the survivors of a previous group of students.
He’s mostly known for hanging around Yuka Mochida, who is one of the five playable characters in both the original Corpse Party and it’s various remakes.
Yeah. Essentially, Yuka got lost, and Yuuya found her wandering around. He offered to be her friend, and so Yuka and Yuuya spend the next couple of hours of gameplay trying to find Yuka’s brother.
Only problem is, Yuuya then turns out to be something of a nutcase, what with having grown up with no sense of morality, and… in his opinion? No siblings. And yes, it gets to the point where he finally just goes completely axe crazy and chases Yuka around Heavenly Host:
You may notice that this fic’s version of Yuuya Kizami isn’t acting like a nutcase. If you’ve noticed that, then congratulations! You now see the first part of why this is such a big canon violation!
The second part of the canon violation? Well… Hold that thought, ‘cause it actually requires me to explain something about the nature of Heavenly Host, and it’s something I can’t explain unless I can see where in the timeline of Corpse Party this is supposed to fall.
He smirk and dogde easily and jump out of the hightway.
Jumped “out” of the “hightway”. Huh, I didn’t think this destroyed highway could suddenly get a bunch of measuring tapes attached to it from out of nowhere that then spawned windows in the same motion, but there you go.
Black-X went to Long Shot,who was badly injure.”What did I told you Liutenand
I just… I don’t even have anything to say to that! I just… that’s awesome!
,now look at you,beating up.”Black-X said to the female soldier,who look at Black-X.”Commander?”She said as Black-X pick her up.”Hold on,Capt.,DeathStalker is headed to your position,you must no lose him.”Black-X said from his com-link.
I think I’m going to cry tears of blood in about ten minutes if this keeps up. I just… Good God, the grammar!
“Okay Comander-Sama.”Say a male soldier,who might mistake him as a child if not a soldier.
“Say a male soldier,who might mistake him as a child if not a soldier.
I just… ¿qué diablo?
“Exile,we need medic,Long Shot is wounded and need to patch up.”Black-X said again to the com-link.”You got it med team are on it way.”A Male voice,sound like a adult,said from his com-link.
Wait, so this group of super-soldiers is running around, and there’s only one adult in the group!?!?
You know what? No. I shouldn’t be tempting fate here. The last thing we need is for the reverse to be true, ‘cause that would mean that this fic has more in common with Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure than with either XCOM or Corpse Party. And dear God, I want to keep fics from sullying that as long as I can!
Then a minute later.
I’m going to assume you’ll finish that with “Ghostie ran into the fic and hit the author across the face with Mr. Crowbar”.
“Arght!”A voice scream in pain.”Capt?What going on?Capt?MoonKnight!?”A young male voice said.”Oh god,guy look!”Black-X look in time to see the alien,and DeathStalker getting away with a captive soldier.”They capture MoonKnight!”A female voice this,Long Shot look at the captive soldier.
Oh my God! The magenta-armored guy (who is apparently being mind-controlled by a sectoid commander or some shit like that) has captured a human that we know nothing about and has only been introduced in the Formless Void at the exact second that his capture means something to the plot! Such tension! Even Alfred Hitchcock would be jealous of this author’s mad skills!
He is unconsioces,he is wearing a sky blue medium armor,he not wearing a helmet,he has a blue short this she say his name in a low voice.
His name may also be Legolas. Let’s hope that this XCOM doesn’t have anyone by the name of Laura…
“Senjin-kun.”She said as tear running down throught her a strong wind occurd and they look up to see a ship.
Senjin? Huh, that’s… odd. I don’t remember anyone by that name showing up in any of the Corpse Party materials, and a brief appointment with Uncle Google confirms that there’s no Senjin anywhere. Hm…
“Well…it least no one die…but they capture MoonKnight.”Said Exile,who is piloting the ship.
Wait, so that dude from KotOR 2 is piloting their dropship? So to be sure, this fic has more to do with Neon Genesis Evangelion, Star Wars, and… um… whatever the fuck this “Senjin” dude is supposed to be from than with either XCOM or Corpse Party.
Whoop de frickin’ doo.
“They may have our team,but we have capture a sectoid,along with a few seem to be the remain of the squad.”
So they captured a sectoid? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised they captured it offscreen. I mean, after all, if we saw them catch the sectoid, that would mean that we’d see a link to XCOM, and nobody wants that! I mean, why would we even want to see something that would remind us of XCOM in an XCOM crossover, right? Who would be stupid enough to want that!?
Another voice ,Black-X feel something getting heavier and he look at Long Shot to see her uncounsiues.”Damm,hurry,I’m think she loss too much blood.”Black-X said to them.
Wait, so she had lost a lot of blood, huh? Gee, if only there had been some way to indicate that before now…
When a ship land and open the hatch,another female soldier apeared,like long shot,she is wearing a chocolate brown armor,only it look lighter then her armor.
So they’ve got more chocolate armor around here, huh? Wow, I never knew that chocolate had secret plasma-repellant powers! You learn something new every day, am I right?
“No!please don’t die,hold on,I’m not gonna lose you.”A female said,like long shot,she is 16 year doesnt have a helmet,so you can see her short brown hair.
Okay, seriously, author: you realize that being a child soldier has severe psychological consequences, right? I just… seriously!? This is the third fucking time a Librarian has had to bring up how psychologically damaging existence as a child soldier is! Why does nobody care to think about this stuff!
“Come on,we need to get to HQ quick!”Yell Black-X.”Got it Kid”Exile said as he take off to -X look at long shot,now without her helmet,with worries.
‘I hope you live Shinohara,because I don’t want to lose another teamate like Sarutobi’Thought Black-X as he look at the young curl hair girl know as Seiko Shinohara.
So this is… Seiko Shinohara. Huh.
Okay, so we have more background to get through!
She was one of characters added to the various remakes, and is one of the classmates who took part in the charm-based ritual that starts the game. She’s a rather cheerful character, though the fact that her mother disappeared two years prior to the events of the games means that she has a strong motherly instinct, and she cares for everyone around her.
This could theoretically create a small issue with characterization, but that’s a non-issue when you consider that Seiko gets a ton of characterization even though she’s dead for most of the game. However, we’ve already seen a not-insane Yuuya Kizami running around, so ten bucks says the author doesn’t actually pay attention to Seiko’s characterization.
And we’ll be able to find stuff out…
To be continue.
…never, apparently. Don’t you just love it when an author writes an AU and then forgets to tell you exactly what the AU actually is?
Oh goodie, it’s one of these. At least this author had the dignity to avoid putting these in-chapter.
Yeah,bet you didnt expect Seiko or Kizami you can see,
I don’t know what the hell I was expecting from an XCOM/Corpse Party crossover in the first place, but you’re not wrong.
this is a AU,
I figured that much. Now, what’s the pivot?
where before they are about to use the charm,the Invasion started and let just said,Seiko’s little brother,Yuu,was capture by alien and she join the military to find him,
Aaaaand, the other shoe has dropped. We’ll ignore the fact that he failed to establish this shit in-story first, and instead concentrate on the—
even if he you wondering why Kizami is here,well you will find out in the future the next,but the fourth,the second chapter,will be with Seiko and her friend.
Yeah, nice try there, bucko. It’s too bad that whatever explanation you’ve got lined up is probably doomed to be stupid from the outset.
Okay, so just to be clear here: Seiko Shinohara never entered Heavenly Host Elementary School in this AU. Okay, fine. I can buy that she would still be running around, and I can buy that she would be worried about her canonical younger brother. I doubt she’d have any luck joining the military to find him considering that she’s beneath enlistment age, but I can buy her motivation.
And then you look at Kizami, who was trapped in Heavenly Host well before the main characters of Corpse Party showed up. And yet somehow, he managed to get the fuck out of Heavenly Host before the player characters did the Sachiko Ever After ritual.
This presents a massive, massive, MASSIVE canon break that is kind of difficult to navigate around.
See, here’s the thing about Heavenly Host Elementary School: because of the fact that it exists on a separate plane of existence from the real world, it’s kind of difficult to get out of there. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s really quite simple: all you have to do is appease the spirit of Sachiko and then do the paper doll charm.
And really, it’s not so hard to do. Well, except that you need Sachiko’s tongue and a black cat doll, and if you give her the wrong item, she kills you by possessing one of the other party members. And even when you do give her the right items, you’ve still got to do the ritual with the paper doll. Oh, and that’s not that hard… well, provided you haven’t lost the paper doll scrap you used to get in, anyway. ‘Cause if you don’t have that, you can’t do the ritual and thus you can’t get out. Oh, and you also need to not fuck up the paper doll ritual, ‘cause you can’t leave if you invoke the Sachiko Ever After charm the wrong number of times. Oh, and just remember, you need to read Naho’s journal on how the ritual is actually supposed to go, ‘cause you would not be in Heavenly Host in the first place if not for Naho intentionally giving away the wrong ritual on the internet. Oh, and you can also wind up in a time loop if you don’t read her journal. That too. Oh, and even if you complete the ritual correctly, you need to get the hell out of dodge before the bell tolls seven times or else you’re trapped in Heavenly Host for all eternity. Or maybe not all eternity, considering that just about every spirit in Heavenly Host wants to kill your ass, and that all the spirits roaming the place will be reset so they’re all evil again. Oh, and good luck getting all the information on how to get out of there before Sachiko, one of the three ghost children, or the old ghost dude with the cleaver kill you. And hey, if they don’t kill you first, you’ll probably just go completely insane.
In case you couldn’t tell, getting the hell out of Heavenly Host is fucking hard.
And mind you, the only reason any of the main characters knew to do all that was because one of the other characters managed to appease one of the other wayward ghosts of Heavenly Host. And when you’re already on the precipice of being completely bat-shit insane even without being trapped in a horrifying Lovecraftian dimension where everything wants to kill you, appeasing ghosts to get out is probably the last thing on your mind.
So yeah, author, have fun explaining how the fuck Yuuya Kizami got out of Heavenly Host. ‘Cause as far as I’m concerned, you’ve written yourself into a corner right out of the starting gate.
Ugh, almost to the end. Let’s see what the author says there.
PS:I’m using a mobile phone,so if you see a missing word,blame on this phone,I don’t had the computer or the table.
Oh, I’m sorry, you wrote this chapter on a cell phone and that’s why you’ve got all these spelling errors? “Oh, don’t blame me, blame my stupid mobile phone!” I mean, it’s not like anyone in the Library wrote entire snarkings using just their cell phone, right? And it’s not like any of our snarkers had to break their snarking into 1,500 word chunks because of a word limit on their cell phone, right? And it’s not like they managed to do it with perfect grammar and all that jazz, right? Oh, they did it on a cell phone, so obviously it was all riddled with errors, right? I mean, it’s completely unrealistic to expect good grammar out of typing anything on a cell phone, it’s totally grammatically fucked!
*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*
Well, patrons, if you haven’t been clued in to just what kind of story you’re about to step into… well, let that serve as a fresh reminder.
Anyway, patrons, I have been Herr Wozzeck. I’ll see you guys next time when we look at more of this shitty crossover. Seeya!