370: A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith Chapter Twelve, Part Seven

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith
Author: Jedi472
Media: Movie
Topic: Star Wars / Land Before Time
Genre: Sci Fi / Adventure
URL: A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith – Chapter 12
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Last time on A Jedi’s Destiny we had some thrilling discussion of things that, for the most part, aren’t important to the imminent imperial invasion that they’re all facing.  Stu also comes up with one of the weakest cases imaginable as to why they should trust that Fett won’t betray them, especially since Stu is supposed to be a well-read authority on the Star Wars canon.  This is where we get that nice slow clap going for him.

We broke last time as the group is told that Fett is ready for them and they head out.  At least that’s what I thought happened, but I didn’t read quite far enough.  As it turns out, Littlefoot and Markus dally for one little parting bit with Bron, and everyone ELSE heads out ahead of them. So lets just finish up the scene with Bron by adding some extreme, age-ripened cheese.

“Dad, what is it?” Littlefoot asked. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” Bron said reassuringly, gazing down on his son. “I just wanted to ask Markus something, and I wanted you two to be here for it.”

“Uh…OK.” they said, confused. Bron looked back down at Markus.

“Well, son, it’s been a good long while since your mother died and all, so I figured I’d start dating.  Well, one thing led to another and things go serious with someone I was seeing and we never figured out a good way to tell you.  Turns out, Cera is going to be your new sister!”

“But, Cera’s mom is dead.”

…

“Ooooooh.  Mr. Threehorn doesn’t seem your type, but you would make a cute couple.”

“Markus, Littlefoot told me about your family, and how your life was after they died. Our family had its dark times as well, and because of them I lost my wife and nearly lost my son forever. I’m glad to say we did gain Shorty, and I couldn’t be happier with my two sons. But you, although taken in by Littlefoot’s grandparents, were never formally made part of the family.”

*Quickly downs a bottle of literary sickness prevention:  Melodramamine.*

This is getting bad fast.

“What I’m trying to say is that I’d like you to be part of our family. I know it’s kind of abrupt and everything-”

“Yes,” Markus said abruptly. “I mean, I’d very much like to be a part of your family, if you’ll have me.”

“We’d be honored.” Bron replied, smiling. Littlefoot and Shorty grinned at Markus.

“I guess we’re all brothers, now.” Shorty said, grinning.

*URP*

Screw the medicine, what this needs is Vodka.

*Downs a Straight Vodka… with orange juice, cherry syrup, white soda, and a twist of lemon.*

OK Fic, bring it!

“Yep” Littlefoot said, beaming. His smile suddenly faltered a little. “I just hope we get outta this alive.”

Bron, smiling on the three boys below him, added. “I know we all haven’t spent too much time together, with the combined herds arriving just a couple weeks ago and the sharpteeth battle, not to mention Fett, but when this is all over, we’re going to be a family.”

MORE BOOZE I SAY!

Luckily, one of my previous favorite characters, Cera, steps in to put a stop to this wanton display of Stu-stroking.

“Hey guys!” Cera shouted, running over to them. “That Boba Fett guy’s getting really tired of waiting!”

Whew, thanks for the save there Cera, I wasn’t going to be able to take much more of-

“Alright, we’re coming.” Markus assured her. He looked back up at Bron before heading out. “Thanks again, Br- I mean, Dad.” he amended, proudly inserting his adoptive father’s title. He felt a surge of hope enter him as he thought of his family. I have Littlefoot, my foster grandparents, Shorty, and now Bron has become my father as well. Along with my friends and the Valley, I have more to fight for than ever.

*BRAGARGLAPHALRGLAF!*

That one really ninja’d in there, didn’t it?  I thought we were home free, too.

Luckily, at this point the boys finally run off and end this scene.  Much to the audiences relief.

Meanwhile, and suddenly in Fett’s point of view:

Fett, his helmet now covering his scarred face, leaned against a tree and sighed impatiently as Markus, Littlefoot, and Shorty finally arrived. At the behest of ducky, he had begrudgingly began to tell the gang of his account of his first encounter of Han Solo.

Ah yes, plot regurgitation.

*Hits the next paragraph button*

“What took you so long?”

“Sorry.” Markus offered. “We got held up.”

Wow, not only did Bron adopt Markus, but he mugged the kid while he was at it.  I like Bron better already.

Fett grunted and spoke again. “I linked up with Slave I and made an audio-only transmission to the Star Destroyer I was on. I couldn’t get much, but they’ll arrive on the planet sometime tomorrow. I did convince them to land about thirty miles south of hear, but I don’t know exactly where.”

Far be it for me to keep mentioning this, but you’re the freaking ground reconnaissance, Fett.  Isn’t it your JOB to find a specific place for them to land?  Couldn’t you use this nice bit of control over them to suggest some more specific plans than “30 miles… over in that sort of direction?”

“How’d you get them to do that?” Ali asked.

Fett stared into her. “I told them how dangerous the locals were, and that a turbolaser strike was inadvisable because the base was unshielded.”

*Facepalm*

So much for the element of surprise.  Gods forbid that you tell them that the indigenous life-forms are just simple animals that aren’t worth bothering with.  And that there was a Jedi kid that you killed and dumped in the gorge.  I mean holy hell on pudding, man, you are the WORST Fett that’s ever been written!  You just single-handedly INCREASED the force and armament your side is likely to face.  This is easily Markus level stupidity… OH GODS!  It’s the Stu-Worship virus!  It’s beginning to cloud the afflicted’s judgment!

We are entering the final stages of Stu-Worship.  The only way to save the rest of the universe is to cleanse that entire galaxy of life and start over.  Now I understand where the Reapers came from.  Thanks a lot, Markus, you caused the Reapers.

Markus frowned. “Great, so they won’t land on top of us, but as soon as they do land, they’ll bring out the big stuff.”

WHAT!?!

*Reads the sentence again*

WHAT!?!!!!!

*Reads it one more time*

Holy crap!  Markus is the voice of reason in this conversation!  This is the single most surprising plot twist of the whole fic!  Markus said something intelligent!

Drinks on the house for the rest of the night!

“Sorry.” Fett replied, sarcasm creeping into his voice. “It was the best I could do with my situation.”

*GONG*

No, Fett, it fucking wasn’t.  Not even close.  Not even within the same galaxy as “the best you could have done.”  The best you could have done was tell them that the natives were stupid animals who weren’t worth worrying about, Markus was dead, designated an LZ which you boobytrapped with a thermal detonator, and then jumped in Slaver 1 and gone after Malak for being part of Thalus’s deception.  What you did, good sir, was make things way, way worse for no good reason.

GODS!  Why does anyone think this pile of literary failure is well written?

Markus shrugged it off. “Whatever.” He looked up at the darkening sky and said, “Well, it’s getting late. Might as well rest while we can.”

Indeed.  If there’s something you guys don’t need, it’s to fully utilize every hour before the imperial force comes in hot to trot and expecting huge resistance.

*Throws up his hands*

You know what, I’m just gonna go with it at this point.

So they all head to their respective beds, and right before everyone passes out, we get this “deep” comment from Markus.

Markus, before succumbing to sleep with the rest of his family, looked up at the stars and wondered which ones held enemies and which ones held potential allies. Evil still exists here, he reminded himself, its just easier to see sometimes.

Yes, indeed, Markus.  You are still on the planet, after all.

So they all sleep the night away and wake at dawn and go floundering around looking for a big invisible thing.

“This is it.” Fett confirmed. “It’s somewhere within twenty meters.”

It’s right about-

*Klunk*

There it is!

The gang and the droids all spread out to search for it, with Littlefoot, Ali, Shorty and Markus heading over to the end of the chasm. After minutes of searching and poking around, however, they began to get desperate.

Uh, Author?  Do you, um, not know your distances or something?  20 meters is only about 60 feet.  Why, exactly, did they have to spread out to find something within 60 feet of their current location? And why did it take several minutes to find?  Even if it’s an invisible door, just feel around everywhere in front of you until you fall through the cloaking field.

“It’s not over here.” Ali sighed in defeat.

“Where could it be?” Littlefoot said, exasperated. “The Empire’s coming today!”

Yeah, it’s like wasting all that time sleeping turned out to be a bad idea or something. Who would have thunk it!?!

Markus simply sighed and gazed back at the rock wall, when his eye caught something. A section of the wall seemed to be flickering. Markus was quick to hypothesize. Could it be…?

A deus ex machina in this fic?  Naw, couldn’t be.

Without warning, he tore his lightsaber out of his jeans pocket and stabbed the ignited blade into the section, eliciting a small gasp from Ali. The wall flickered again, then abruptly faded in a shower of sparks. Less than a meter behind it was a worn gray sliding door.

Good thing Markus’s lightsaber just happens to be a +1 Lightsaber of Dispel Illusion, or that wouldn’t have worked.

Knew it.” Markus said, grinning at his success. “It was a holographic projection, but it was reinforced by the force field projected onto it, which is why it seemed to be part of the wall.”

And you knew that based on… what exactly?  I ask that because force fields don’t work like that in the Star Wars universe; they aren’t solid per-se, rather they act as energy absorption and repulsion for energy and matter.  So, if you’d stepped on or pushed against that wall, it would have bounced you off, possibly at high speed depending on how strong the field is.  You’re thinking of the way Star Trek’s holodeck technology works, which doesn’t apply here.  Nice try, though.

So, everyone is super surprised and impressed at Markus’s success… because apparently they haven’t been reading the fic.  And if that’s the case, I envy them that.

Then suddenly, more Stu stroking.

“I’ll teach you how to do that kind of thing sometime. It’s easy.” Markus offered, which made Ali blush in humility. She didn’t think she had the patience nor the intelligence for such quick thinking, even though Markus obviously believed she did.

*GONG*

*Rubs the author’s face in his fic*

Fett, the droids, and the rest of the gang all gathered around the small passageway. “Well,” Markus said slowly, the vastness of his task settling in on him again. “here goes.” He stepped into the alcove, pressed the rusting button on the even rustier control panel, and the door slid open with a hissing of air. No light permeated the inside, and Markus was forced to ignite his lightsaber to light the way. He stepped inside, then motioned for the others to follow.

Dear Palpatine (Emperor),

My name is Mr. Magic, from the Mr. Magic’s Iron and Other Oxidizing Metals Corporation.  I would like you to consider Iron, Copper, and Zinc as the metals of choice for the construction of your extremely important facilities.  They’re significantly cheaper than some of the more common and rust-proof building materials of the future, such as Titanium, Aluminum, Chromium, Platinum, Unobtainium, and Adamantium.  Our products are guaranteed to provide up to a full calendar year of outdoor use before corrosion sets in.  In fact, our famous Zinc-Iron alloys are the industry standard for budget construction that needs to last upwards of 3 years.  When you think temporary quality, think Mr. Magic.

CEO of Mr. Magic’s Iron and Other Oxidizing Metals Corp.
TacoMagic

One by one, they all entered. Fett went first, followed by Littlefoot, Shorty and Ali, then Cera, Ducky Petrie and Spike.

Having an established order is rather nice.  Unlike most of the D&D campaigns I’ve ever played where everyone is in front for melee during every battle.

“Me got a bad feeling about this.” Petrie muttered as they entered into the darkness. The door hissed shut behind them.

Petrie, you may not want to make the parallels between your canon speech patterns and Jarjar Binx’s quite so apparent.  At the very least adopt the correct first-person pronoun for the rest of the fic.

The humming of the lightsaber, the clanking of Fett’s armor, R3’s drive motors, and their footsteps were all that could be heard as they walked slowly down the dark and dank hallway. The air was stale, and the light from Markus’ lightsaber revealed the once-pristine white walls were covered in dust. No doors adorned the corridor as they traversed it.

WOW!  Look!  Setting!  And the prose describing it is only moderately purple.  It’s like finding a small oasis of corridor in the middle of the formless void.

Lights were clearly visible on the ceiling, but since they were not active, they remained dark.

*Cough* Light Switch *Cough*

So they all talk about how it looks like a Kaminoan complex and that it’s creepy.  So the setting before wasn’t terribly accurate… or at least not very specific when it mentioned the white walls.  Kaminoan architecture is pretty unique, so it could probably have used just a bit more description beyond “Hey, it’s Kaminoan.”  They’re big on the gentle curves, rounded hallways, and big open spaces, so those features would have been a good start.

“Take it easy, guys.” Markus admonished. “Look, there’s a door.” he said, pointing down the hall. Sure enough, a large white door stood at the end of the hall, reminding Markus of the “light at the end of the tunnel”. I’m going towards the light. he thought. I just hope I find some way out of dying when I reach it.

*GONG*

Either that’s horrible foreshadowing, or just Markus being melodramatic.  Take your pick because neither is a good thing.

They reached the door, and it slid open as soon as they were within a few feet of it. Everyone jumped slightly at the movement, then Markus slowly stepped inside.

Guess the contractor forgot to hook that motion sensor up to the lighting.  Easy mistake to make.  What do you mean my company was the contractor?  I don’t know what you’re talking about.

The room was large, with a foreboding black blast door at the end. A single computer terminal stood in the middle. Markus slowly stepped up to it, the gang crowding behind him. Upon his arrival, the screen on the terminal blinked on, and words scrolled up in bright blue letters.

Oh Myyy!

Please insert data gathering device.

Well… that’s always a good sign.  A lone terminal in an empty room with automated doors asking for something you don’t have.  What do you do now, Stu?

A slot emerged from a panel on the left side of the device, just big enough for his datapad. “What does it say?” Ducky asked, perplexed at the characters on the screen.

*Throws up his hands*

OH COME ON!  It’s asking for Markus’s mystical DEK?!

*Slams button*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans Count: 24

“I think it wants me to do this.” He replied. He reached into his pack, pulled out the datapad, and placed it into the receptacle. It slid back in, and the ancient computer whirred. Before anyone could react, a small sensor reached out from the terminal and shone a green bar of light over Markus. It quickly retracted, then, from a lens on the top of the machine, a blue cone of light shone, and a ¼ size, 3-D representation of a cone-headed, fish-eyed bipedal stood in midair.

I even knew it was coming and this is still too stupid for words.

“Greetings, new administrator. Welcome to this facility. I am one of the Builders. I have been programmed to allow you to become the new commander of this facility.”

*Throws up his hands again*

SURE, WHY THE HELL NOT?!  If we’re gonna be totally nonsensical, we may as well go the whole way, right?

*Slams button*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans Count: 25

So, let me unpack this: a datapad that has the entire compliment of Earth’s entertainment media, which was downloaded from a ship that traveled through time and received a full technological upgrade from the magic of subspace WHILE having an inter-dimensional traveler going from a land of non-fiction to fiction land on it, who also just happens to be the reincarnation of an ancient redeemed Jedi and is able to master the force in a matter of a few hours, just happens to be the key to unlocking a secret base built by Palpatine during the Clone Wars era and effects a transfer of the command of said base to said Jedi Stu.

*Pants to catch his breath*

Seem reasonable to anyone else?

Ladies and gentlemen, the shark has just jumped.

I have to hand it to Jedi421, this may be the single most contrived moment in any fic I’ve ever read.  I also think contrived plot moments should be one of our new categories for the annual Sucktastic Awards.

I really can’t do any more after a moment like that.  I’m calling it for the week.  Honestly, the whole rest of the fic will just be downhill from here.  Right?  I mean it can’t possibly fail any harder than this moment.

Right?

Please?

---