564: Twenty Warriors – Prologue and Chapter One

Title: Twenty Warriors
Author: Herr Wozzeck
Media:  Video Games/Comics/Cartoons
Topic: Skies of Arcadia/Fire Emblem (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn duology)/X-Men/Punisher/Super Smash Brothers/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Tales of Symphonia/Dead or Alive/Riviera: The Promised Land/Gears of War
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Twenty Warriors: Prologue and Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Hey patrons, guess what came back from the percussion shop during the week? Yes, it’s Alma, and she’s better than ever! Isn’t she a beauty? Man, am I glad she’s back… We’re gonna have some good times, Alma, oh yes we are.

Anyway, welcome back to the Library, patrons! After slogging through Beyond Twilight and coming face to face with that, we’re back. And man, do I have a doozy for you. This is a mega crossover, it barely makes any sense, it basically runs on rule of cool, it features a lot of craziness…

…and you may already notice who the author is.

That’s right! Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to be snarking my biggest old shame for you guys! Hey, we all had to start as terrible fanfic authors at some point, you know? And now that I’m here, I think I’m ready to take on this stinker, which was started back when I was 17 and knew absolutely nothing about what the fuck I was doing.

Some of you may be thinking “wait, Herr, aren’t you the creator”? Well, yes, I am, and this means I do unfortunately have a potential skew towards myself. But you know what? Nobody else will snark this, and I’ve been wanting someone to tear this fic apart for years, so you know what? Sometimes, there are some things you just have to do yourself.

And hey, several years gives me hindsight, so hopefully the bias won’t be an issue. That said, let’s get to it, shall we?

Okay, so I wrote this back when I was an idiot. But, believe it or not, I went back to this fic after a certain point. That is to say, there does actually exist a slightly improved version on DeviantArt. I’m going to be snarking the fanfiction.net version since there is so much wrong with that it’s almost funny. It wouldn’t really matter much, honestly, since the DeviantArt version is very similar and almost all the major problems with the fanfiction.net version are still present in the DeviantArt version. I’ll talk about the DeviantArt version when it brings up a point relevant to the criticisms of the fanfiction.net version, but for now assume that the two versions are similar, and for everything else I’ll just leave this link to the DA version here and talk about it as I need to.

Right. Let’s get on with the snarking, shall we?

We open up with this:

A great evil has penetrated the earth…

He walks among men, inconspicuous as can be…

He gathers warriors to fight each other so that two may win…
The strongest teams will eventually come out on top to battle this evil…

And this evil will show no mercy…

This is not just any battle…

It is a battle to the death…

A battle some will not survive…

A team battle…

Of the century…

*BAM*

Dude, we just finished snarking a really pretentious fanfic! The last thing we needed was to open this snarking with a really pretentious prologue!

Well, at least it’s short. Seriously, that’s the greatest thing anyone can ask for at this stage.

So with that said, let’s advance straight to the next chapter! Yeah, it’s a very short prologue, which segues straight into an author’s note.

Hello, all! Herr Wozzeck here with another new fic. I know. Again.

This was inspired by SSJBowser’s fic Team Battle of the Century. While it wasn’t the greatest fic in the world, it certainly had an interesting premise, so you know where that leads. This is somewhat similar, except there are more main characters involved and I changed the linup a little. You’ll see.

Yeah, funny thing about this fic: it was actually inspired by a different mega-crossover, and it’s the one I mention above. Looking back, I’m not entirely sure what it was I saw in that fic, but… I don’t really know. I guess I was inspired by the basic premise and wanted to expand on it a bit. But I will tell you one thing: everything in this fic is my own original material. Unfortunately, the fact that it doesn’t take the From Another World approach to “remixing” someone else’s fanfic is about the only good thing I’ll have to say about this fic.

Anyway, after this, I go off on a rather long disclaimer, which in this case could be justified given the sheer number of canons involved. The author’s note ends on this note, actually:

In other news, I recently got a baroque violin bow as a super-early birthday gift. It’s early, because I’m not going to be near them on the day of my birthday. You know the rest.

Anyways, here’s the fic. Enjoy!

Yes, patrons, I was the kind of author who wore his real life on his sleeve on fanfiction.net by telling people details of my personal life they probably could’ve cared less about. Honestly, in some way, that habit hasn’t completely gone away. But yeah, I used to talk about IRL all the time in my author’s notes. I guess that says quite a bit about the somewhat attention whore that 17-year-old me was all about.

Anyway, after that, we begin our chapter with this:

It had been a pretty normal day at the Smash Mansion. This was true, of course, considering that it had started pretty normally.

*ALARM BLARES*

Ah, fuck, it’s the DRD again! Dammit, no, not in the first paragraph of the fic!

*ducks under the desk*

Dammit Taco, I hope those bear traps you rigged outside the door work. If they don’t work, I’m coming for you next!

*hears the sounds of metallic snaps and yelling*

Ah, there we go. That sound may not match the sound of Mahler in the evening, but it’s close enough.

*sits back up*

Let’s continue.

But somehow, things had fallen apart as quickly as they had started pretty normally.

Master Hand felt himself thinking on the subject of why he never moved that filing cabinet away in the first place. He knew that one day somebody would figure out what was inside of it, but he never figured it would come as soon as it had.

The mess had started because of a dare between four children. One of the children went in and rummaged through the filing cabinet to find a strange black sphere inside.

Once this was found, the darn idiot had to touch it. The touch would end up leading to disaster in the mansion.

Holy paragraph breaks, 17-year-old me, slow down! I mean… Jesus, I’ve never seen quite so many paragraph breaks breaking up the same train of thought in my life!

Also, I take it that Master Hand isn’t really into children. I mean, why else would Master Hand call children “darn idiots” if the kids were just reacting to something like that?

Master Hand had been notified that something was awry by an alarm that was installed. He managed to evacuate most of the smashers; however, some were taking their time simply because they figured it was a false alarm.

In the end, that child and nine others had been sucked in by the black sphere. The other three children had been punished severely, and everybody else was moved somewhere until they could find where the old mansion had gone.

Which assumes, you know, that this “black sphere” was actually a teleportation device of some sort. Thankfully, this next set of paragraphs come in:

No matter what, though, the gloved hand had the feeling it would take a while.

Master Hand realized then that he should have told his fighters that the filing cabinet he mentioned had a dimensional portal that was in the shape of a black sphere. He should have told them that it would expand upon contact.

But he was scared of anybody being curious and randomly going up to it and touching it.

Wait, hold on a second.

So this dimensional portal in the shape of a black sphere can engulf everything upon contact and swallow people up, right? That would mean that this thing is really flippin’ dangerous. So why did Master Hand store it in a random filing cabinet? You know, instead of building an SCP-style chamber and storing it there and making sure that nobody can touch it? ‘Cause it would make more sense to be sure nobody could touch it than to stash it in an easily accessible storage unit and just say “okay, I’m done”.

And “he was scared of anybody being curious and touching it”? Then maybe he should’ve, I dunno, not stored it in a freaking filing cabinet! Seriously, what if your secretary had to open it and found the sphere on top of a file she needed? And no, it’s not like there was even a ‘do not touch’ sign or anything; it was just sitting there! And you seriously expect some kids not to touch it upon seeing it?

Unfortunately, his paranoia always worked against him.

Actually, 17-year-old me, I think you mean “stupidity” there.

*BAM*

Seriously, we aren’t even halfway through the first chapter and already we’re starting to get plot holes the size of Jupiter. What the shit?

After this, we get a list of the smashers that are going to be characters in this story. I’ll let the story speak for itself by just having it say this:

The names on the list were Bowser, Captain Falcon, Donkey Kong, Fox McCloud, Ganondorf, Link, Mario, Ness, Samus Aran, and Solid Snake.

Yup, I dragged a lot of people into this mess. Approximately, you’re talking about half the cast of this turkey sitting right in front of your face. Well… maybe more closer to a third. You’ll see why in a bit.

Anyway, after we get that list thing, it goes on just a little bit, and then we get a line break and a scene change.

“I ain’t doin’ so good here!”

“No kidding. You’ll have ta do much better than that to defeat the two of us!”

“Oh yeah? Bring it on!”

“Gladly.”

A clang of metal followed this short dialogue, followed by a few gunshots that would miss their targets.

Oh hey, it’s our first dialogue of this fic! And our dialogue is… in the middle of a fight scene?

The targets in question were a pair of humanoid turtles leaping and prancing about the rooftops of New York City with two men following them. The two men in question would never normally team up in certain circumstances, but in this case they realized they had to team up if they were to go up against the strange opponents they were facing.

Oh hey, we’re introduced to our next set of characters! So we’ve got two turtles being chased by two guys. Hey, we might actually get a chase scene from this!

The circumstances were quite strange, actually. One of them had been out drinking on a binge when he had come across a group of people, only to find two of them were not normal. Unfortunately, by this time he had already attacked them, and so they were ready to attack the mutant back.

This mutant was formally known as Logan or his codename, Wolverine. He wore a white skin-tight shirt with black jeans, which tended to blend well with his dark wolf-shaped hair that adorned his scalp. His mutation allowed him to generate a three-pronged claw from his hand, and undoubtedly this gave him much power in combat. He also sported a healing factor that would do its work to heal wounds that had found their ways onto Logan’s skin. Most of the time they were handled pretty quickly, but in this case the mutant had been getting too many wounds for his healing factor to handle all at once in the situation he was in.

The two turtles went by the names of Raphael and Leonardo, respectively. They looked very similar except for the fact that the shades of green on their skin were slightly different (Raphael having the darker skin of the two) and that they wore different colored facemasks. They also sported different weapons; Leonardo was hacking away at Wolverine with a pair of katanas while Raphael was using a pair of sais to do his work for him.

After this fight had gone on for a few minutes, a random man had shown up and begun firing at the turtles. After this, the mutant and the strange man joined forces.

This strange man went by the name of Frank Castle, otherwise known amongst criminal organizations as the Punisher. The vigilante wore a crew cut on the top of his head along with a black trench coat and a black shirt with a white skull imprinted on it. He wielded two guns in either hand, one being a semi-automatic rifle and the other a Magnum.

Ooooooor, the fic will take a vast majority of this “chase scene” to give us abridged dossiers on the characters doing the fighting. You know, ‘cause why would we want to see any actual fighting in the middle of a fight scene?

But yeah, we now have TMNT and some Marvel thrown into this fic. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “wait, don’t both of these two fight crime in the same jurisdiction anyhow? So why are they fighting each other?”

The constant firing was doing nothing to subdue the two turtles, however, and even worse for the two fighting the turtles it certainly made the fight more attractive to police forces as time went on.

Thankfully, though, the police would be the last thing that the fighters would have to worry about. After all, the humanoid turtles were making a good display of leaping on the roofs of New York City and meandering their way from one dark alley to another so that by the time the police would arrive, the group would already have moved their fight twenty or so blocks away from the police.

They of course didn’t account for their neighbors over in Harlem, who would probably be annoyed enough at all the noise that they’d probably take matters into their own hands.

After several minutes of fighting and taunting, the turtles managed to arrive at a hiding spot underneath a fire escape where they could assess the situation.

“Phew,” said Leonardo as the ends of his facemask fell on his shoulders. “Who would have thought that preventing theft would lead to this?”

“Beats me,” said Raphael. “I wonder how he got there in the first place.”

Wait… so was the Wolverine trying to steal cash off of an old lady? Huh, I was under the distinct impression that he would never resort to petty theft to get by no matter how bad he had it.

“For a moment there it looked like he wanted peace with us,” said Leonardo. “But no, you had to charge right into the fight at hand!”

“Hey!” said Raphael. “Don’t blame me for jumping in! He’s the one who started it!”

“I don’t care who started it!” spat Leonardo. “You continued it!”

Okay… So Logan apparently started the fight. Fic, are you going to tell us why they’re fighting, or what they’re fighting for, or if Raph looked at Logan the wrong way, or…?

Right then, some gunshots sounded followed by the rain of lead going around them.

“Damn it,” said Raphael.

Why did we have to patrol this area tonight? This thought ran through Leonardo’s mind as he leapt from the fire escape.

*headdesk*

Seriously, guys? Why would you jump down into an alleyway when the guys firing at you are above? You’ve just given the Punisher a good vantage point! Well… assuming that the Punisher can still fire his guns with any degree of accuracy, considering that trying to fire a semi-automatic rifle with one hand is kind of a stupid idea.

More gunshots were heard as the Punisher appeared on the rooftop above them and rained bullets on the two turtles as if there was no tomorrow. The two mutant turtles ran around as fast as they could to lose the bullets

Or, of course, it’ll be that Raphael and Leonardo are great at dodging everything. Tension? What’s that?

, and they did not dare to jump knowing it would take willpower to do so.

*snerk*

A roar was suddenly heard, and then Wolverine jumped down onto the situation.

Unfortunately, however, he jumped in at the wrong time, as evidenced by the fact that Raphael and especially Leonardo were too fast for him to hit, and in fact they were landing more cuts on the feral as time went by.

Eventually, though, Raphael was taking the brunt of the bullet aiming.

And now, I have to figure out how I’m going to get enough quarters to feed the washing machine for my next load of punches.

This gave Leonardo an opportunity to hide under the hood of a garbage dump. He had sworn to himself never to enter one to hide again due to the smell, but circumstances had gotten the better of him.

…

*headdesk*

Okay, Leo, I know you’re not that much of a dirty coward. I just… what!? Why would you do that, especially when your own brother is kind of getting targeted by gunfire with a random healing-factor mutant on the loose? You just turned him into even bigger bait!

The turtle sat under the hood of the garbage dump listening to the sounds of the fight rage on.

And then, suddenly, Leonardo realized he should not be hiding there anyways.

The turtle was supposed to be the fearless leader who would help his brothers through everything. He was supposed to be the one who would walk right into the face of the enemy and take the brunt of the damage.

Hell, he figured Raphael should not be the one doing all that.

With a renewed resolve, Leonardo moved to get out when suddenly he slipped and fell amidst the dirtiness of the trash in the dump.

Then why’d he jump in there in the first place!? Jeez, man, you know that someone is turning into an idiot when even the fic mentions that his actions don’t make any sense!

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Seriously, can you give us a reason why any of this is happening!?

And then, a very bright glow resounded in the dump.

…

…

And apparently, a beam of light was instantaneously converted into a bunch of sound waves. Huh. Taco, I think this fic just discovered a new property of physics!

Leonardo failed to notice the end of the fighting noises as he stared at the light emanating within the compact space. He hardly even noticed the sound of the dump’s lid being lifted.

And then, after a minute of watching, a high-pitched wailing emanated out at such a loud dynamic Leonardo swore his sense of hearing would have been destroyed listening to it for more than a minute.

The wailing died away, but before the mutant turtle could register anything else he felt a great pain in his gut as the world around him churned into a black void.

Oh, I think I know why this fight was started. It was started because… um… they wouldn’t get caught up in whatever it was they saw that would whisk them off to wherever they needed to be for the plot to continue. Yeah, this completely pointless fight scene had just the perfect reason to exist, you know?

*headdesk*

After this, we get a line break, and the scene shifts again.

Marcus wiped the sweat off his brow as he surveyed the ruins of what was once a trading post.

Darn locusts went haywire on this place… thought the squadron leader with a tinge of irony wandering through his head.

It had all started a while ago. Marcus Fenix and his squadron had been defending a small trading post when locusts attacked and managed to separate the group.

And now Gears of War is involved in this mess.

…

…

…

Would you guys kill teenage me if I say I’ve never played Gears of War in my life?

The commander had managed to fight his way through, but apparently most of his friends were not in very good shapes. Coal Train had limped over to Marcus after the fight with a pretty bad wound on his side and had managed to get to the medical supplies, but he ended up exhausting them as well.

And this bit of very unfortunate racism is brought to you by not knowing anything about Gears of War, except for a quick look at Wikipedia.

Marcus had also noticed he had run out of ammo after the fight ended, and apparently his comrades had as well. Their armor had also been penetrated pretty badly by the locusts, and this was not good for any future fights.

In other words, they would be eternally outmanned, outgunned, and they had nothing to save themselves with if they were injured.

Marcus sighed as he felt the sweat trickle down his brow once more as the tension of the whole event seeped its way into his being.

Darn armor is so heavy… thought the commander as he walked around to sit on a piece of rubble.

Blah blah blah blah blah, give me something interesting please!

Why do things have to be so tense at a time like this…?

That’s what she said!

So after this, there’s really not much of note in that scene. Marcus runs around, he finds something black and glowy in the rubble of a pillar, he ruminates on it for three sentences…

No, really:

His hand moved to touch the strange black glow, but he hesitated when something in the depths of his mind began to tell him that many things would unfold which would change the course of his life for the worst.

Eventually, however, he knew that he already was prepared for the worst, given the fact that he had to go to jail for four years for deserting the army once.

After such an event, he felt he could take anything.

The gloved hand floated down to the black mass.

Well, that was awfully quick. Taking time to fully develop a character’s thought process? What kind of thing is that!?

Also, you have to wonder what’s up with the paragraph breaks here. A lot of these paragraphs are just one overlong sentence. I mean… in some ways, they’re literally sentencographs. They’re not really run-ons, but they are a sentence that takes up one paragraph, so… I dunno. It’s kinda funny, you have to admit.

Anyway, after this, we get a line break, and then we move on to the next scene.

A fairly burly man walked in the woods in search of something.

“Damn it,” he said. “Why did Calill have to run off like that? I can’t believe that I’m walking through these woods right now just because she left me!”

The berserker continued walking.

Largo had been very unfortunate over the course of the past few days. He was on a job guarding a beautiful woman named Calill when one day she disappeared for no reason. The berserker was intent on finding the woman to resume his job, but for some reason she had to be really good at evading people.

Oh crap, the Tellius-verse Fire Emblem makes another appearance! Shit, we might have another Aion-Sue on our hands!

Run for the hills, patrons! Run for the hills!

*ducks into a nearby barrel*

…

*peeks head out of the barrel*

Wait, there’s no Mary Sue trying to join the Greil Mercenaries? Phew, that was a close one!

*climbs out of the barrel*

Okay, so… this is Largo, one of my favorite Tellius-verse characters (who sadly got the shaft in Radiant Dawn, but thankfully he had enough presence in Path of Radiance that it doesn’t really matter). He does actually show up in PoR looking for Calill specifically, though I don’t think the game ever specified why it is that they showed up at different times. I think that’s what teenage-me was thinking, but thinking back I don’t think Calill would be that negligent. She’s a hopeless romantic who’s a little… adventurous, but she’s not that crazy I don’t think. So… Yeah, this was just teenage me being an idiot.

The sweat on the berserker’s mostly bare chest shimmered in the sunlight as he trudged the woods.

*swoons, lands on the bed of pillows*

Sorry… The Tellius-verse boys still make me swoon from time to time. Dammit, why is it that Tellius had the hottest Fire Emblem guys?

It had been several days since he had been walking in these woods, and for some reason it was really hot in there. It was only the beginning of spring, when it should have been much cooler, but he found no comfort in the breezes.

The berserker perched his axe on his shoulder, the long handle brushing up against his lilac-colored hair as Largo’s shoulders rocked. That axe had been some of the problem. Even though Largo’s muscles would normally be enough to carry any burden, it was different when hauling it over several miles of nothing in particular.

Overall, the frustration would somehow get the better of Largo sometime. He only wished that his endless days of journeying would come to an end soon.

Wait, Largo is frustrated? I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell from the somehow-flowery-yet-also-underwritten descriptions of the scenery and Largo’s massive, bulging muscles to tell! My, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say there was nothing that would disturb this strange tranquility of nothing being emoted!

At this moment, he tripped over a root of a tree, and while he managed to keep himself from falling, a loud thunk that came from an axe bearing on a tree notified the berserker that the trees were about to make his life difficult again.

Oh shit, it’s the plot! Run away!

*hides in the barrel*

So anyway, after this, Largo pulls his axe out, and then, wouldn’t you know it, he sees another black shiny thing. And wouldn’t you know, Largo touches it as well, and he vanishes from sight. It’s almost like this black shiny thing was manufactured by the PCC and just scattered around all over the place for any random schmucks to find!

Anyway, after Largo does all that, we cut to the next scene. Man, I really need something to distract me from all these black spheres.

Panting sounds were heard in accompaniment with footsteps as two men walked down a hallway.

“Sheesh…” said the first. “How many more monsters do we have to fight before we reach the end of this place?”

This first wore an oceanic jacket with black pants, a shirt, and a strange little lens on his eye that looked very similar to an eye patch. The red sash around his neck contrasted very well with all of this, and his hazelnut-colored hair and eyes went with the scar on his cheek.

“Seriously,” said the second. “I wonder why there aren’t any women around here…”

This second man wore what one would think to be a crimson trench coat with a belt in the middle. He also had dark tights and an orange kerchief that hung from a string strung around his neck. On his nose rested a fine pince-nez that he used more to make him look intelligent than anything.

Ah, there we are! What better way to take our minds off of the obvious needs of the plot than to read some costume porn, ladies and gentlemen?

“Seriously, Gilder,” said the first man. “Are women the only things you can think about?”

“In an environment where I am depraved of such, I believe so,” said the second.

The first let out a heavy sigh.

“This is not the time to be thinking about women,” said the first man. “We either move or we stand here waiting for the world to end.”

“Vyse, it helps clear my mind,” said Gilder. “If we’re stuck here in the middle of an area we do not know, what do you expect me to think about?”

“Why wouldn’t you think about piloting an airship then?” asked Vyse.

Gilder simply shook his head in response as he walked ahead a little.

Vyse also shook his head, and then turned to follow when he caught sight of a treasure chest.

Oh, great, Skies of Arcadia got involved. It’s bad enough that this whole involved rigmarole isn’t making any goddamn sense right now, now it had to involve one of the most underrated JRPGs of all time?

Well… I’m just gonna wear my helmet throughout the rest of the snarking, then. Something tells me I’m going to need it, especially after seeing poor Gilder get Flanderized so badly.

Anyway, after this, Vyse finds a treasure chest, and then the two of them open it to see what’s inside.

What was in the chest was something strange that neither of the air pirates could identify. It was a mystical black object in the shape of a sphere which seemed to shimmer in whatever dim lighting existed.

“Hm?” asked Gilder. “This doesn’t look like any treasure I’ve ever seen before.”

“Same here,” said Vyse as he lifted the black sphere out of the chest. “I wonder what it is…”

“Perhaps it has a moonfish inside?” asked Gilder.

Vyse shook his head before laughing a little.

“Gilder, that’s really very silly when you think about it,” said Vyse. “No, I don’t think it’s a moonfish.

…

Oh dear… Don’t tell me this is going to be the quality of our character interaction!

*peeks ahead*

Well, fuck me. Damn it, can’t something interrupt this?

Perhaps Fina could identify it for us?”

“Perhaps,” said Gilder. “To do that, though, we better get moving.”

“Agreed,” said Vyse. “Let’s go before –”

Vyse was unable to finish his sentence, for suddenly a high-pitched wailing was heard.

No! Not the plot! Anything but the plot!

*ducks into the barrel*

Okay, Herr, just a little more…

*breathes in and out*

Okay… Let’s move on to the next scene…

“Jeez! How hard is it to defeat this thing?”

“I don’t know! It just got summoned! How am I supposed to know how hard it is?”

“Relax, Ein! If we think we can do it, we can do it!”

“Fia’s right! We have to carry on for our sake as well as Cierra’s!”

“Yeah! That’s the spirit!”

A slash at flesh was heard, shortly followed by a footfall.

Oh dear… I think I know our next property just by seeing these names…

A group of four people was busy fighting one of the strongest entities that had ever been summoned in Riviera since the time of Ragnarok. This entity was Seth-Ra. This was an incredibly powerful sprite with two huge wings. Besides the fact that one of the wings was skeletal in appearance, the tribal-looking colors on the sprite made him seem pretty intimidating.

The four people in question were a former Grim Angel and his three sprite companions. The angel, Ein, had chestnut hair along with dark eyes and a travel suit that seemed worthy of a warrior. His companions Fia, Lina, and Serene were all female sprites whose coloring seemed centered around one color; Fia had lime-colored features and clothing, Lina had orange-colored versions of similar things, and Serene was an indigo version of that. The only things that really differed between them were their clothing styles, their hair, and their weapons; Fia used a rapier, Lina was content with a bow, and Serene was pretty skilled with the scythe.

Yep, it’s Riviera: The Promised Land, which was another underrated JRPG that was full of all kinds of awesome. Ah well, at least this fic places it after the final boss. The last thing we need is to desecrate this canon in the middle of it by teleporting Ledah in or something like that.

What follows is a poorly-paced, dialogue heavy battle sequence that basically recounts the last boss battle of the game. As you might expect, they defeat the boss, and then the final dungeon starts collapsing all around them.

“Ein!” shouted Fia. “The place is collapsing! We have to get out of here!”

“I know!” shouted Ein. “This way!”

Ein led the way to where they figured the exit was. However, when they arrived, the portal by which they had gotten there was not there.

“What is this?” shouted Ein. “Where’s the portal?”

“I don’t know!” shouted Serene. “What do you think is—?”

Nothing more was said, however, for soon the ruins crumbled around Ein and Fia. Thankfully, the two of them disappeared as the rubble rushed to meet them and failed.

Um… Is there supposed to be a sense of urgency here? ‘Cause I don’t see it.

Serene and Lina were taken in a different portal, for the black sphere had expanded when the ruins had begun to shake.

Wait, what? Where the fuck was that black sphere? Did Serene just step on it? Did Lina trip on it on her way out? Where the fuck is it!? And seriously, there was a black sphere just sitting there? Why!? Why the fuck would someone put it there!? I just… what!? What!?

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Wow, that is just beyond stupid…

Please tell me the end of the chapter is upon us.

“Master?”

“Yes, sir?”

“The black spheres have all been touched. Should we proceed to the next stage?”

“Yes. Remember that the green spheres should not arrive until our warriors wake up.”

“Yes, sir!”

“Perfect. This is all going according to plan. Now, to see if they will do what they’re told…”

There we go! Thank Goodness the chapter is over.

…

Wait, how much of this do I have to slog through again?

*peeks*

Oh, fuck me, I’ve got twenty-three more chapters of this crap to burn through…

*shakes his head*

Well, someone’s gotta do it, so I guess it falls to me. Yep, this is gonna be a doozy.

I’ll see you guys next time, patrons. Bring your headdesking pillows, ‘cause trust me, you’re gonna need ‘em.

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