2725: Wings of the Elite – Chapters Five, Six, and Interlude Two

Title: Wings of the Elite
Author: [redacted due to the wishes of the author]
Topic: Elite: Dangerous
Media: Video Game
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi
URL: No longer available online (formerly https://fanfiction.net/s/13614215/2/)
Critiqued by Crazy Minh and CMDR Ramnos Ervin

Hello, folks, and welcome back to “Wings of the Elite”, a story of Hobos, spaceships, and bungled canon! I’m your guest riffer, Crazy Minh, and with me is special guest, CMDR Ramnos Ervin!

A “pleasure” as always. 

Last installment, we were introduced to an unknown person with an impossible spaceship, there was some weirdness with prophecies, and our protagonist, Harper, is currently undocked from the station, and loitering inside the docking bay. Hopefully, Salomé will fix this by flying her and Harper Hobo out of the bay. It wouldn’t do to have a canon character get blown up by defence lasers now, would it?

Today, we’re doing three chapters, as I’ve decided to get through this fic as quickly as I can, so that I can get back to riffing Trapped as soon as possible. Our first chapter of today is officially chapter five, but is actually chapter seven. It’s titled “Incandescence.”

Please tell me that the title refers to some sort of lighting-related issue, and not to Harper Hobo’s mysterious glowing hand. Because that would make things even more stupid than they already are. 

Let’s find out, shall we? As always, [redacted] hasn’t learned how to use the enter key, but fortunately for us, the new navigational computer should allow us to dodge the textwall…that just flew right past the ship…and shattered against an asteroid…

…Well, I guess I was a bit hasty in putting in that new system! Looks like luck was on our side this time!

How have you survived this long?

I haven’t! But fortunately there’s such a thing as respawn points. Anyway, roll chapter!

Salomé stood glowering in the doorway. “ARE YOU INSANE? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU NEARLY DID?” She started massaging her temples and breathing hard. I stammered out, “I…I’m sorry I had no idea…” “THAT’S THE POINT!”

Who the hell is talking?

I think it’s Salomé talking to herself, but it could also just be that the author needs to learn proper formatting. 

Well, at least they should still have time to exit the bay. I mean, it’s not like the author just mimicked the takeoff procedure from the fan video, but forgot that arriving and departing from stations is completely different, right? Right???

She marched over and pressed a few buttons by the dash, the HUD faded and the ship went quiet once again.

…smegging hell, do you want to die? My god, Salomé, you utter peta’Q!!! 

I…I’m lost for words. You know, I think it’s possible that the author has never actually played ED, or just cannot understand the meaning of a diegetic interface ((Note from the future!): They probably have been a player for longer than me, judging by their Reddit history). What you see in the UI when you play the game is the actual interface that pilots use to fly the ship. Sure, some elements are most likely noncanonical (basically anything that makes reference to the game being…well…a game- such as the button for the real-money store), but most of the UI elements are meant to be there. This means the docking procedure shown in-game is exactly how you would dock and undock in-universe! It’s like the author just really wanted to put bits of the fan video they’ve already referenced into the fic, but didn’t stop and think about whether they made sense to be in the story or not. 

”You have no idea what you’re doing, and I SPECIFICALLY told you to not touch anything until you learned how to fly!” I wanted to disappear on the spot.

Please do.

“Get. Out.” I sprang from the chair with tears in my eyes. I ran past a confused and worried looking Nathan. I pounded the button on the lift and felt it slowly descend.

How was any of that confusing? Hobo Sue just tried to fly a starship and nearly got herself killed. Hell, if things were going even remotely right, then they should be space dust by now. 

“Harper, wait.” I looked up to see Nathan looking down at me with a concerned expression. “She can just get mad sometimes, don’t worry she wont hold it against you”

Are we talking about the same CMDR Salomé here? Kajina was known for being snarky, sarcastic, and bitter. She had her juvenile moments of anger, sure, but she was always very well-composed, as befitting an Imperial noble. Over the three years she spent using her adopted name, she matured rapidly, and she ended up sacrificing her life to save the Empire from an internal threat. She only got really mad, like, twice, and in one of those cases, someone was threatening to hijack her body and give it back to her when she was old and frail. But never “explosively mad” like this. 

I have to admit that Kajina is one of my favourite characters, amongst a rather small collection of canon characters with fleshed-out backstories. This thing is not CMDR Salomé. This is some OC masquerading as her. I’m going to call this character “Sal” from now on, to avoid sullying the good commander’s name. 

I sniffed, but didnt feel like responding. I sprinted out of the hanger and back towards the bus station. I ran. I just ran and ran. I didn’t want to go back and face Salomé, I didn’t want to have to face reality, I didn’t want to betray anyone else’s trust, I felt worthless. Wow. look at you, self pity. Said a little voice in my head. Shut up. I snapped at it.

It didn’t seem like I had gone very far, but before a few minutes I realized I was already back at the station. I was so preoccupied with thinking about Salomé that I didn’t notice a cable lying across the pathway. I tripped and landed on the rough metal, hard. I felt a burning run though my head and hands.

Yes! Oh, you wonderful author! You killed off the most annoying character in this fic!

We did it! We finally killed the Mary Sue!

I reached one hand up and pulled back…

…as I felt the painful sting on my head and saw crimson blood smeared on my hands.

As opposed to cyan blood smeared on her hands. 

My palms weren’t much better than my head as it felt, they were scuffed raw. As I tried to start wiping the dirt away from my raw hands, a dim blue color caught my eye. I looked back at my hands. What the… blood isn’t normally blue!

…

…

…well! I guess she really did have cyan blood on her hands!

…also:

I watched in amazement as the glow started to spread until both of my hands were enveloped and glowing softly. I gaped at them as I watched the flesh slowly start to knit itself back together. What was raw bloody flesh seconds ago, was now smooth skin again. I Inspected my hands, but there were no cuts, no gashes, no scars.

AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!!AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!!AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!!AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!!AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!!AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! AWOOGA!!! 

*The Blaring Alarm blares so much that it shorts out by shorting*

Report!

*A random redshirt swings around in his chair*

Multiple contacts! Five…no…ten…no…two hundred….two hundred hundred….twenty two hundred hundred and twenty two bogies inbound, CBDR!!! It’s the 1st DRD First DRD Fleet Flotilla!!!

Battlestations! Set condition one throughout the ship! 

It’s too late! They’ve launched their Nuclear Nukes!!!

Oh god! They’ve fitted their weapons with Unnecessary Capitalisation as well???

Brace for impa-!

*some time later*

Now that we’ve respawned the ship, printed a new batch of expendable crew members, and the DRD fleet has disappeared into the ether…

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE???

I mean, seriously? Harper Hobo was already a bit of a Sue, but now she has frakking Wolverine-level regeneration powers? Oh, and don’t get me started on how the universe of Elite is a hard sci-fi setting, and avoids bringing in superpowers or other bullshittium. This is…why???

I mean, this also raises the question about how Sal knew that Harper had these mysterious abilities. Harper met some guy who happened to be a possible ally of Sal in a passenger lounge, he talked with her, walked off, and suddenly Harper got a spaceship. At no point did he take blood, perform any sort of obvious or logical test to see if she had whatever qualifier Sal is looking for, and it all just indicates that the author went into this without a plan.

I concur. Judging by how the story is rather incoherent, and how there’s seemingly no driving motive for any of the characters in this fic, I would be surprised if the author of this shitfic had come up with a story before they came up with Harper. 

What. The. Fuck. I heard a pair of footfalls behind me. I whipped around to see a still concerned Nathan, and a slightly less angry Salomé. She must’ve read the expression in my eyes because her first words were somewhat sympathetic.

The…expression…in her eyes…I’m going to guess she’s boss-eyed. 

Yeah…that’s certainly a condition you want a pilot of Harper’s competency to have. She’ll be a perfect failure! Excellent!

“You can’t just run off like that!” I stared back, not knowing how to respond. Her angry look transformed slowly into one of suspicion. “I’m guessing that blood over there isn’t yours” She pointed to a red scuff on the ground next to me. I was still too shocked to respond, and she looked me up and down. “It happened, didn’t it.”

Yes, Sal, it did happen. Harper turned into an even bigger Mary Sue than before. 

I was feeling too numb to do anything but nod.

Salomé sighed, “Come back to the ship, you and I need to have a talk.” Meanwhile, Nathan was looking more confused than ever and looking at me with a slight frown.

Does that mechanic do anything but get confused? 

I slowly picked myself up off of the walkway and started walking back towards hanger 22 with my head sagging. Salomé approached my side and said “Look, I’m just trying to keep you alive, that stunt you pulled back there could have killed you, and caused quite some damage.”

Yeah, she could have dented the deckplates. I mean, with a skull as dense as the one Harper has, she could have caused some serious annoyance to the maintenance worker who’d have to clean off the blood, and hammer the dents out. 

I kept staring at the ground with a blank expression.She continued, “Especially since you disobeyed a direct order and put yourself and all of us in danger.”

One: Sal wasn’t in danger, but any of the actual pilots flying within the dock at the time could have been hurt or injured by Harper’s carelessness. 

Two: Harper never disobeyed a direct order, because you literally never told her not to go into the cockpit. The only thing you “ordered” her not to do was touch your things, and if you also meant the ship, Sal, then she already disobeyed that by poking around it, and then sleeping in it. 

Three: If you’re going to tell someone off, I think you would be better served beating yourself up. Not only did you put a untrained stranger’s biometrics into the security system of a starship- which lead to said stranger being able to power said ship up, and nearly kill themselves- but you also have consistently failed to inform said stranger (who seems to be both homeless and severely dull) of any ground rules or other restrictions- which also lead to this very situation. 

She sighed, ” I can’t stay angry forever, but listen to what I say in the future, when i say not to do something, it’s not a suggestion. Some day, following a simple rule may determine if you live or die.” Salomé looked over at me, I raised my head and looked forwards, not wanting to meet her gaze. I heard Nathan run up on my other side as Salomé walked ahead. “Sooooo, what was that about?” “I dont wanna talk about it” He gave me a sideways look “You sure there’s absolutely nothing you want to tell me?” “No.” Salomé looked back at me, “Anyways, when you get back to the ship, get some rest. We have a lot to talk about tomorrow.”

For fuck’s sake, FORMAT YOUR GORRAM DIALOGUE!!!

The next chapter is another interlude, which is titled “Arrival”

Ooh, ominous. Well, I see that another textwall just flew right past us, so I guess the author still hasn’t learned what paragraphs are. For fuck’s sake, it’s one fucking button, mate. 

My ship’s hull groaned from the heat of the nearby star as I finished scooping and pulled away. I always hated spending so much time in supercruise, but this was a populated system, which meant I couldn’t use the blink drive or ask command to do some portal shenanigans to shave down any travel time.

Uh…why can’t you use your “blink drive” or “portals” in a populated star system? If this random guy is truly an agent of The Club, they’d be trying to release as much advanced technology to as many factions as possible so that the galaxy would be more prepared for what’s to come. 

I have a sinking feeling that this guy has nothing to do with The Club, or really anything to do with the established canon. 

The last thing I needed was a nosy cop seeing me use it, or worse, one of them. I shuddered at the thought and shook my head. I stood up from my seat and walked over to the radio I had picked up from an antiques market and turned it on. Welp, I’ve got nothing better to do until I arrive.

Wait, you’re using a FM radio for entertainment? Dude, GalNet exists for a reason! 

I glanced down at my scanner and saw the light was slowly pulsing. I plodded my way back to my seat with a grumble. Once you have the power to traverse the galaxy in hours, spending a few minutes in supercruise was like torture.

*cough*

I’m sorry, but no. Even if you have some technology like this “blink drive”, you cannot traverse the galaxy in hours. If you spend one second in every single system in the game, it would still take you over twelve thousand years to see every star system. Hell, over the six years that the game has been active, the three million plus playerbase has only managed to explore a fraction of a percent of the galaxy. At the current rate of exploration (~2.88 million systems discovered each year), it’s going to take 138 years for the entire galaxy to be fully explored. In that time, a real-world spacecraft travelling at 3% of the speed of light could fly between Earth and the Alpha Centauri star system. 

I looked up at the distance counter and sighed, this is going to be a long 300,000ls… I flipped the scanner between my fingers, gazing at it, remembering how I got to this point in my life. Ever since I was young, I was training. I practiced how to blend in, how to become…human.

Uh…so if you’re not human, then what the fuck are you?

I’m going to read ahead. I have a nasty hunch about what this is. 

*Readshitup.exe*

Son of a frelling- 

How to “infiltrate and exploit” they said. I learned the most common languages, traditions, customs, anything I would need in order to blend in. I guess In a way, I was human. I suffered through the long and laborious training before receiving my rank. I was promoted to become a Hydra, one of their elite “assassins” and saboteurs. We usually did the dirty work, making most deaths look very much like accidents, I still wasn’t a big fan of killing however. We were always told what we did was for the good of humanity and our own. I didn’t believe a word of it of course, humans are so easily swayed by promises of wealth or power, it was hopeless to try to “guide” them to a better future. It was purely to increase the power of our own leaders. It didn’t really matter, since it was all bullshit, but it’s not like I had much of a choice either. If I ever tried to run, they would send my fellow basilisks after me.

What the smeg is this?

I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!!! THE AUTHOR DID IT!!! THEY FOUND A WAY TO BRING THE FRAKKING THARGOIDS INTO THIS!!!

So it looks like I will have to provide context for this. 

OK, so Elite is a human-centric setting. This isn’t anything like Star Trek, Star Wars, or Mass Effect, where there are dozens of alien cultures. However, aliens do exist in the Elite universe, and there was at least one other spacefaring culture other than humanity which went extinct millenia before humans went to the stars. 

In January 5th, 3303, when CMDR DP Sayre, a random Xbox player, was interdicted while in hyperspace- formerly thought to be impossible, since interdiction only works at supercruise, and hyperspace is a fancy loading screen- and encountered an unknown spaceship of alien design. 

(Note that the first spaceship isn’t a Thargoid vessel, but a NPC controlled pirate that just happened to drop out and attack DP by complete coincidence. The big petal thing, that’s the Thargoid ship)

The Thargoids first appeared in the original game, and have appeared in every title since. Before their discovery in the fourth title, the only indication that they were to make their return were strange alien artifacts that could disrupt the systems of human stations, and which were of some strange biomechanical design. 

Not much is known about the Thargoids, although they are known to be a race of insectoid, carbon-based beings who display extremely territorial behaviour, often fighting other intelligent species that occupy space that they perceive as belonging to them. At one point prior to the discovery of human spaceflight, they nearly wiped out another intelligent species of aliens called “The Guardians”. The Guardians inhabited a section of space in which the Thargoids had claimed long in the past, but had developed interstellar travel following the departure of the ‘goids from the area. Due to the perceived “invasion”, the Thargoids engaged in a war of extermination, which failed due to the advanced technology of the younger race. However, the aftermath of this war led to the Guardians being wiped out by their own intelligent machines. 

The appearance of the Thargoids has never been explicitly depicted within any of the games, although they inhabit ammonia-based environments, and exist at much colder temperatures to human beings. They are non-humanoid, however, and they have been indicated by concept art to resemble this:

Following their reintroduction to the franchise in 3303, the Thargoids began appearing more and more, and more mysteries surrounding them began to crop up. It was also confirmed that the unknown artifacts that had been implied to be of Thargoid make were indeed technology of the aliens. When one player dropped a unit of the newly renamed “Thargoid Sensors” outside his ship, it spun to point towards a specific star system. Upon further examination of the system by players, it was discovered that there was some sort of surface site dubbed a “Barnacle” that appeared to be connected to the Thargoids. Many similar structures were also uncovered elsewhere in the galaxy, and Thargoid ships were spotted interacting with the structures soon after. 

Soon after that, distress signals began to be emitted, which players discovered were coming from the wreckage of some of those massive capital ships that the Federation and the Empire love to show off with. It is implied that these massive ships were taken down by lone Thargoid Interceptors (which- while large- are nowhere near the size of a capital ship), as there would generally be a single Thargoid vessel lingering near the wreckage field when pilots came to investigate. In addition, some of these attacks were happening well within The Bubble. Some Commanders began reporting that the Thargoids had been targeting and destroying ships carrying either Thargoid sensors or a material known as “meta alloys” (which were being sourced from Barnacle sites). 

The attacks on cap ships became more frequent, culminating in what appeared to be an all-out assault on the Bubble by the Thargoids. They began attacking and badly damaging starports across the galaxy, causing these stations to call for pilot aid. Players flew their ships inside the burning, crippled stations, evacuating civilians and station crew, and fending off attacks on the evacuation ships. Entire player groups formed to provide a coordinated evacuation effort. Hell, many notorious PVP players dropped everything to help out the effort. There were community events to provide materials to repair damaged starports, players began to push back the Thargoids, and it all went to waste when Frontier realised that they had run out of story material. Obviously someone in the writer’s room missed the memo that they needed constant story content for their live-service game. 

While it was never fully explained why the Thargoids ceased their attacks, and pulled out (for the most part), it is assumed that they needed to regroup, or that the full-on attack was simply the vanguard of a more powerful invasion. So, come 3306 (or 2020 IRL), no more community events, few GalNet articles, and the Thargoid plot just got left on a cliffhanger. The good news is that they’ve now written up more content, and they’ve begun a whole new series of GalNet new reports, and there are some more community events that have been promised by the devs. The bad news is that I doubt the Thargoids will be returning any time soon, since apparently the writing team had a hellish experience running that event. 

NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: I have to eat my words now, and note that during the writing of this riff, there has just been a massive Thargoid strike on the Pleiades Nebula, and it seems the Thargoid story arc may be going again.  

So, you may be asking yourself what the Thargoids have to do with Kajina. The answer is absolutely fucking nothing. The only connection to the Thargoids is that The Club- the ringleaders of the conspiracy that Kajina helped uncover- have been trying to prepare humanity for a full-on war with the Thargoids, and that underlying motive has nothing to do with Kajina’s discovery. She found out that The Club was manipulating the Empire’s internal politics, and attempted to leak this to the public. Thus began a manhunt which led to her death. At that point, the Thargoids hadn’t been in-game for more than three months. 

So the author has further twisted this whole fucking mess out of whack, and has further proved that they have no clue what the hell they’re doing. 

You forgot to mention that:

• The Thargoid variants (Hydra, Basilisk, etc.) are just ship types, and have nothing to do with any sort of societal role, at least as far as we know. I don’t even think this was a thing in the original lore, which- admittedly- I am unfamiliar with. 
• That the Thargoid ships are visibly alien in design, and so this random ‘goid trying to hide his advanced tech from system security is like someone trying to disguise a cow as a poodle

And:

• The ‘goid ships are capable of destroying capital ships and space stations, and so Sal and Harper stand absolutely no chance against something like that

Well, I’m pretty sure you remembered, so that’s OK. 

To go rogue… I thought. I was so lost in thought I didn’t notice my ship was only a few kilometers from the station. With a slight jolt, the ship dropped from supercruise. I pinned the throttle forwards and approached the starport. A lone police viper approached me. “Scan Detected.”

Oh, author, you sweet summer child. You…you think that the ‘goids fly normal ships. You honestly think that a police viper would think a Thargoid Scout (because- let’s face it- if it was a Thargoid Interceptor, that station would be rubble by now) is just an ordinary spacecraft?

A Thargoid Scout

 

The ‘Azzie Nine, a Diamondback Explorer, and the Twelve’s predecessor

PEOPLE HAVE EYES, AUTHOR!!! GENERALLY YOU NEED EYES TO PILOT A SPACESHIP!!! THARGOID SHIPS LOOK DIFFERENT TO PLAYER SHIPS!!! WHAT DO YOU LOOK AT SHIPS WITH, AUTHOR???

I had done this a thousand times, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of uneasiness as I drifted towards the station. After a few seconds the viper turned and boosted away. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. After requesting docking permission I was assigned a pad. I carefully maneuvered my ship through the mailslot and settled it onto my pad. I felt the docking clamps engage as I stood up from my seat. I stuffed the scanner into my vest pocket and grabbed my choice weapon. It was a heavily modified T0-7 liner plasma rifle. I had inscribed a name next to the magazine, it read “Animus.” I slung the weapon over my shoulder and grabbed a few other supplies and stuffed them into my vest as I walked over to the turbolift. I punched in my security code and the doors closed with a hiss. I double tapped a button on my wrist and my specially made suit shifted and morphed, hiding my weapon as it bent the light around it. It was a pretty nifty piece of technology, and extremely helpful for our job. Not only did it allow us to sneak around items and ourselves, but it also protected us from the environment, whether it be orbiting close to a star, on an airless moon, or just in any human area in general. Our biology was not compatible with such high temperatures like theirs was.

Oh god, the stupid keeps coming. So not only is this Thargoid ship a copy (or something) of a proper human ship…but this random Thargoid can also shapeshift to look human, and has some sort of magical suit that keeps it from dying in our atmosphere…

*Minh picks up a Conveniently Placed Screaming-Pillow™, buries his head in it, and begins screaming*

That’s a Thargoid. Note the fact that they look very different to a human. How, dear author, do you think that alien shaped like that would be able to assume a humanoid shape? No idea? Well, don’t be stupid then!

I looked completely unarmed, which was necessary since open carry on a starport was illegal in most places, and if it wasn’t, it gathered lots of attention from the authorities.

Uh…no? Most starports allow the selling and buying of weapons, so I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. 

The lift stopped and the doors opened, I stepped onto the landing pad and watched the lift retract back into the ship. Another day, another job I thought as I jogged over to the exit on the wall of the hanger.

Oh my god, Thargoid ships cannot possibly be mistaken for human vessels! Everyone in this fic must be a fucking moron!

*Muffled screaming*

…next chapter, please.

Chapter 6, A Shot in The Dark

…This is going to be nowhere near as awesome. Fucking waste of a good song. Oh, and yet another textwall. Scrolling through it now, it looks to be a longish chapter so…wait…wait a minute…

 

***

 

Are…are those blank lines??? Am I seeing things, or has the author discovered the magic of the enter key???

There are three or four of these scattered through this chapter, and I’m going to snip them due to overenthusiastic usage of the enter key (it’s better to double space your paragraphs than triple spacing, typing three asterisks, and triple spacing again). But still, redemption cookie to you, author!

I cracked open my eyes and sat up with a yawn. I blinked away the sleepiness before looking at my hand again, I was almost disappointed they weren’t glowing again.

*takes away cookie*

We’re not. 

The dim hanger lights filtered through the skylight, and I stood up and stretched.

What.

Motherfucking. 

Skylight?

Now, I should find Salomé. I looked over at the now lit up clock besides my bed and saw it read 04:23 UGT.

What an unnecessarily specific time! Quick, we must pay tribute to our lunar arachnid overlords!

ALL HAIL THE MOON SPIDERS!!!

HAIL!!!

I walked back over to the floor hatch and slid down the ladder. Not to anyone’s surprise, it was empty.

*snerk*

I…I’m sorry???

Not to anyone’s surprise, it was empty

What the fuck is that line? Why would it be expected that the cargo hold would be empty? Wasn’t there meant to be a broken SRV down there? Has it just vanished?

Well no shit Harper, it’s the middle of the night!

First off:

*thwack!*

It’s our job to riff you, story! Stop riffing yourself!

Secondly, YOU ARE ABOARD A SPACE STATION! THERE IS NO ‘NIGHT’ OR ‘DAY’! Space stations like the one Harper is aboard are the size of cities. While it’s never elaborated on, I would assume that it would be active at all times. Most people would stick to their own sleep cycles, and things wouldn’t work the same way as it does for us here on Earth. 

I went back upstairs and tried to lay down again, but I just couldn’t fall back asleep. The questions kept bouncing around inside my skull, there was so much noise it was impossible to sleep. I raised my hand again and looked at it. Salomé told me to get some sleep before she explained everything, but having a few hours alone with so many questions was maddening. I glared at my palm, curling and uncurling my fingers, trying to will the glow back into existence.

…if we keep harping on about her magic powers and how they’re just not a thing, we’ll be here all day. Let’s move on, and just note that Harper’s magic hand is stupid. 

Maybe I’m thinking about this all wrong. I got up from my bead and sidled over to the shelves. I started tugging on the various parts, seeing if anything would come loose, and then finally, a small panel gave way, revealing a sharp metal edge.

Uh, you probably shouldn’t do that to your poor starship. I mean, come on, treat your fair lady with some respect! I would never do something so horrible to the Azzie! 

Also, trust Falcon DeLacy to build a ship with bits that fall off. I mean, they never paint their cockpits, both of the Kraits have wires hanging from the roof, and the Python has tubing dangling from beneath the console. At least Lakon ships have massive glass cockpits which give you a fantastic starfield to look at. 

I started to reach towards the edge and slowly pushed my finger into the edge, wincing as I felt the prick break my skin.

…is…is she really cutting herself? Like, seriously, why???

…I think she’s trying to activate her noncanonical magic glowy healing factor. Oh, and she’s smearing blood all over her poor ‘winder. I have a sudden urge to repaint the Asimov. I think I lost 1% of my paint integrity on the way over, and I can’t have my girl looking all banged up, no sir! 

I pulled my finger back and saw a small drop of blood welling at the cut, a few seconds passed and that strange glow started emanating from my finger again, and before long, the cut was healed. So that’s how it works! I thought in awe. I was about to try it again when I noticed something behind the ajar panel. I tried tugging on the panel to try and open it up more, but it refused to budge.

Seriously? You’re damaging your ship? My god, you really are a self-absorbed, homeless, intellectually challenged bitch, aren’t you? Never disrespect your ship. Not if you want to be a proper pilot. 

I felt more pricks as the sharp metal edges cut into my skin, but they quickly faded. I stood back with a frown, If only I had something to pry this thing open! I concentrated, looking around the room to see what I could use as a wedge, seeing there was nothing I could use, I reached forward yet again to pull on it some more, but my right arm felt heavier for some reason. I looked down and noticed I was now holding some sort of long pole, not paying much attention to it due to my obsession with the panel, I ignored its mysterious appearance.

Oh, so she can also summon a fucking pole! 

…

I regret my choice of words there. Still, why is this a thing??? 

Well this will do. I jammed the pole into the open panel and pulled it off with a loud screech. I went over to the shelf and tried to put the pole down, but it seemed like it was stuck to my hands. I tried pulling on it but it still remained in place. Go away! I thought. Almost like magic, the spear then dissolved and flowed back into my hand.

…

…I…I don’t even…why didn’t I go back to Crapped in 1080p??? Whyyyyyyy??????

I was too shocked to do anything but watch. Before I could start freaking out about this mystery matter, a glint from where the panel was caught my eye. It was a strange, an almost container looking object. It had bright yellow caps on either end of what looked to be a thick glass cylinder.

…but was in fact a thin, styrofoam cube.

I reached out and picked it up, whatever was in this thing was apparently long gone.

How do you know there was something in there to begin with?

I tried to open it, but it was sealed tight, and I didnt want to risk breaking it. I decided it would be best if I put the strange object back, and maybe asked Salomé about it tomorrow. After grabbing the panel from the floor, I nestled the canister back into the wall, and tried my best to put the panel back into place. After looking at my handiwork, I was hit with a wave of exhaustion. Everything went fuzzy and darkness started ebbing at the edges of my vision, I was too tired to try and do anything as I hit the floor with a resounding thud…

Well that was pointless. 

I woke to the sound of voices. “…I don’t even know what happened, I just found her on the floor!” A voice said from nearby. I heard the scrabble of someone coming up the ladder, and I couldn’t stop a small groan escaping from my lips as I shifted. Ow… “Oh good, she’s awake” said a different voice from above me. The fog of sleep was slowly lifting from my head as I became aware of my surroundings.

That’s generally what happens when you wake up, yes. 

I opened my eyes gingerly and saw I was lying face first on the floor. I slowly pushed myself upwards with shaky limbs and looked up to see Salomé and Nathan looking down at me with concerned expressions.

…Did neither Sal or Confused!Mechanic think to turn her over or otherwise wake her up??? Way to be a bunch of assholes! 

Salomé was the first to speak, “Are you ok?” I stood up slowly, “Ugh, what happened and why does it feel like I got hit with a sack of bricks?” Salomé glanced over at the very obviously bent panel, she turned back to me with a slight frown. “I think it’s about time we had that talk.”

Sal: “…you see, Miss Hobo, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…”

Salomé led me out of the ship and back towards the commons area of the starport. As we walked in silence I thought back to the strange encounter I had the night before. I hope she knows what the fuck is going on!

I hope the author of this mess knows what the fuck is going on, because we sure don’t. 

We arrived at a small café and Salomé navigated to a small table near the back that was sitting next to a large window, giving a nice view of the rest of the street.

…

YOU ARE ABOARD A SPACE STATION!!! THERE ARE NO STREETS!!!

Salomé sat down and I did the same. A cheerful looking plump waitress walked over, “What can I get for ya today?” Salomé ordered some 2 omelets of some kind, and the waitresses quickly walked away.

I really don’t care. 

Salomé turned back to me and said “So I guess you have quite a few questions” I almost gawked at her, a FEW questions? “Ok first off, what was that…glowy stuff?” Salomé smiled, “take a guess.” “Oh you son of a bitch.” After a few seconds she relented with her guessing game and raised her head somewhat proudly, “You see, that is what makes us special.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, MATE???

So Sal is apparently superhuman as well, regardless of the fact that this is not fucking canon!!!

I was poking around on an old former dark wheel site, and found this” She pulled out the same small canister from last night. I looked at it, “What is it? Did it have something in it?” Salomé grinned, “Not just something, I believe this canister’s contents is a relic from another civilization.”

*PHTOOM!!!*

THE DARK WHEEL HAS LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO WITH EITHER THE THARGOIDS, OR THE GUARDIANS!!! Jesus fucking Christ, author! Did you even play the fucking game???

“Woah…” I breathed. A small red spot appeared on the side, “It looks like it just turned on.” Salomé looked at me with contempt,

I…I think the real Salomé is trying to struggle against the Sal-persona!

Come on Kajima, fight it! Fight the Suefluence, and return to your usual self!

“No, that things inert, it’s just a canister.” “well then what’s this light on for?” Salomé craned her neck around and saw the red spec. Her eyes went wide and she grabbed me and shoved me down, flipping the table against the window in a single lightning fast movement. “Wha…?” Then the window behind me exploded into a shower of glass as a small white hot projectile pinged off of where I had just been sitting.

You know, let’s give the author the benefit of the doubt, and say that whatever corridor or passageway outside this café is called a street. WHatever the case, it would be an enclosed corridor, with the walls firmly connected to the ceiling, no matter how high the internal space is. So, given that this street must be an enclosed space, WHY IS THIS RANDOM SNIPER USING A FUCKING SNIPER RIFLE??? However large this space is, there’s no way you’d need a fucking sniper rifle to shoot someone! You would be better served walking into the café and pulling a gun! Is this fucker just standing in the causeway with a big, obnoxious gun? 

We then have the first of those line breaks, which is followed by an unmarked PoV switch to our noncanonically shapeshifting Thargoid assassin. 

I watched Salomé and some other young girl enter the café. They sat down and ordered something, and started to talk.

There was much daybooking involved. 

I watched as Salomé reached beneath the table and pulled out…No, that can’t be what I think it is. It was that same bloody canister that that was stolen from the old site years ago. It contained the last sample of its kind, a cluster of nanobots we had managed to salvage from the so called “Guardians.”

…

*muffled screaming*

No. Just no. While the Guardians possessed advanced nanotechnology, that doesn’t equate to “space magic”. While we’re on the topic of Harper and Sal’s bullshit magic powers, that “spear” Harper was able to generate is the last thing the Guardians would have as a option for fabricating. They primarily used electromagnetic weapons such as railgun/gauss-analogues, and some advanced energy weapons. Also, if this technology was designed by the Guardians, it would probably be unusable by humans. Guardian tech often used neural interfaces that were cybernetically implanted in the user. It has been established in the lore that implants that survived the turn of the centuries intact and functional are incompatible with human biology. I highly doubt the Guardians had cross-species compatibility in mind when they designed these superpower nanites, and I think that it is immensely irresponsible and highly suspect of Sal to inject both herself and Harper with these nanites, especially considering their age and lack of study. 

Also, the Thargoids are more concerned with destroying the remaining traces of the Guardians than obtaining it. They certainly aren’t studying said tech, and even if they were, they’d have something like two million years of free time to study said tech. They obviously haven’t, as the Guardian technology of two million years ago is still as effective against modern Thargoid ships as it was back then. 

I had been tasked to retrieve it, but if I couldn’t, I had to destroy it, by any means necessary. It was too dangerous to be in humans’ hands. My scanner beeped again in my vest, I reached in and hooked it up to my scope. I pointed the scope at the canister, but the scanner was silent. I huffed, and tried turning it on and off again, the scanner remained silent. Maybe this is just a decoy, Salomé isnt nearly as dumb as the rest.

…That’s debatable.

I moved my scope over to where the girl was sitting, and suddenly my scanner lit up. I didn’t want to believe it, but there was all the evidence, clear as day right in front of me. I had prepared myself for this part, I wasn’t looking forward to it. I flipped the safety off and pointed the gun directly at the girls chest. I slowly squeezed the trigger.

Unfortunately, he missed. 

The café was thrown into a panic. People scrambled and dove into cover, or tried to run out the door. Salomé swore, “I never thought the fuckers would find me here”

Dude, you have made no attempt to hide your presence, and if the Thargoids really wanted to smoke Sal, they’d just send a interceptor to fuck up the entire station. 

She looked down at me with a look of mild terror, “When I run, I want you to go for the counter, use it to get as close to the door as possible.

It would really help if we had a good idea of the arrangement of this random diner. Unfortunately, the author deemed it unnecessary to actually describe the scene in which this takes place. 

I quickly nodded. Salomé took a few deep breaths, and suddenly stood up, before quickly dropping back into cover, I looked at her wide eyed. “Looks like a sniper” She muttered with her eyes closed. “Probably in that warehouse 2 blocks over.” I looked at her, trying to hide my amazement. “You got all of that from half a second?”

…

YOU ARE ON A SPACE STATION!!! THERE ARE NO BLOCKS!!!

She nodded grimly. “Now, on three. One, two, three, GO!” I scrambled up and dove behind the counter as Salomé reached into her jacket and pulled out a pistol, firing in quick successive bursts.

What the fuck is that going to do? You’re firing a pistol at something two blocks away. Also, nice to see that the Thargoid hiding his weapon was absolutely pointless, as Sal just happens to have a sidearm on her. 

Either that, or this station has some of the worst security in the Bubble. 

Another window exploded as another bolt of plasma passed through it and ricocheted off of the wall.

*muffled screaming*

It’s fucking plasma! Plasma doesn’t ricochet off fucking walls like a bullet! Plasma is just gas made of charged particles like ions and electrons. It can be generated by superheating a gas (namely one of the nonreactive noble gasses), or by exposing the gas to a strong electromagnetic field until the gas becomes electrically reactive. To deflect it, you’d need an electromagnetic field strong enough to counter the charge of the plasma, and I doubt this wall just happens to be emitting a field effect of that magnitude. If anything, the plasma would contact the wall, lose coherence, and dissipate. I don’t do particle physics, so I don’t know much more than that, and I’m sure I’ve got something wrong there, but I know it wouldn’t just bounce off a fucking wall!

I crawled along the floor, trying to inch my way as close to the door as possible. I looked back and saw Salomé crouching behind an overturned barstool. Our eyes met and she made a motion with her fingers, I had no idea what it meant, but I nodded anyways. She charged her handgun again, and I watched in awe as a sort of grey matter slithered out from her wrist and smoothed out into a flat metal plate, forming a shield. It was uncomfortable to look at, and a sense of “wrongness” emanated from it, it almost looked…alive?

Oh, sure! Let’s just violate the conservation of mass and energy while we’re having plasma bounce off the fucking walls! It’s not really important to note that the shield Sal just generated had to draw its own mass from somewhere, and that nanotechnology in Elite doesn’t just do shit like this. In the world of the game, nanotechnology is used to break down matter as part of materials processing and ore refining, and is (mostly) consistent with theoretical applications of nanotechnology as we understand them today. For example, nanites are not magic duct tape: they can’t just make shields out of nothing. Sal’s bones probably just got liquified to make that shield. 

I then realized with a shock that it looked about the same as whatever that pole was made out of earlier. Our eyes met, and Salomé must’ve seen me wide eyed. She shook her head as almost if to say “I’m sorry, I should have told you earlier.” She made a motion with her hand while continuing to look straight at me. I’m sorry Salomé, I wish I knew what that meant.

*Minh slaps the fic on the wrist*

Oi, what have we told you about riffing yourself?

And then, Salomé suddenly sprang up and trained her pistol at the upper window of the warehouse. Nothing happened, Salomé did not fire, but neither did the sniper. Salomé continued to stand like a stature, shield held in front, not refusing to take away her cover. She stood like this for several more seconds, and then crouched back down.

*headdesk*

Urgh…why did she do that? I give up, this fic is bloody stupid. 

She looked at me again, with confusion and worry in her eyes. Why is nobody firing? Then I heard sirens in the distance. I heard Salomé growl in the corner, before lunging behind the counter next to me. “We need to get out of here, and I really don’t feel like answering any questions to the starport authorities.” She slowly crept ahead, making sure not to poke her head above the countertop. I quietly snuck after her, and eventually we made it to the door, the view from the warehouse was now obscured by a support pillar. Salomé cautiously got up and made her way towards the door, and I followed. We both peeked out, Salomé looking around anxiously before she stepped out into the street and turned to me “Go back to the ship, we need to get off this starport as soon as we can. Run!” I dutifully obeyed, taking off down the street as fast as I could, not even bothering to see if Salomé was following.

So you finally remembered that you’re on a space station. Except you’re still calling a causeway or corridor a “street”. 

I ducked my head as several small caliber rounds bounced off of the steel siding of the warehouse. I saw a tuft of hair poke above the counter for a split second, and I let loose another slug.

…wow. You just murdered some extruded strands of keratin. Master assassin right here, folks!

Oh of course the damn thing missed.

…and he missed the fucking hair! Wow, your hive must be really proud of you, mate.

I was getting frustrated, one shot missed can be considered acceptable, but two? I furrowed my brow. Salomé and the girl were now very aware of my presence, it was time to go, this was a lost cause. I sighed and calmly started putting away my things, before slinging my rifle over my shoulder, but I stopped. Salomé was now standing in plan view, holding some sort of shield. I absentmindedly grazed the scanner over her and it started giving off a shrill wine. I looked down at the scanner, before peering out back at Salomé, who still hadn’t moved. Oh you have got to be kidding me!

*Ramnos pats the Thargoid on the back*

Join the club, pal. It’s vexing us too. 

I saw Salomé quickly duck back into cover, and I swore, They have no idea what technology they are meddling with… Then, sirens in the distance. Well, it looks like the authorities are finally on their way. I made sure there was no evidence of me left around the window, and I quickly walked over to the stairs, and silently disappeared into the depths of the warehouse. The canister was of no use to me anymore, but I had 2 new targets. I chuckled to myself, you can run, but you can’t hide, not forever…

Well folks, that’s the end of the chapter. What impact will the Thargoids have on Harper!Sue’s adventures into stupidity? Will Harper!Sue ever learn to fly? Will there be a satisfying conclusion to this story…eh, probably not. Join us next time for the next two chapters of this “blockbuster” of  a story! 

---