2445: The Purple Queen – Chapter 25 (FINALE!)

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 25
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

FEED YOUR HEAD

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 189
Roll Call count: 8
Vomit Boy count: 8

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with the last chapter of The Red Queen! Don’t go reaching for your Kool and the Gang yet, though, because this show ain’t over until the fat lady sings.

(Though if you’re reading that means I already finished this in the past and Celebrating is therefore acceptable)

Last time, Sueby Psychose began her revenge on Weissome McSchneevil, OoC!Blake, Not!Pyrrha, and the other dumbass conspirators. She killed one of the nameless OC conspirators for a while and then nothing else happened. Yang and Jaune were also on their way out to try to de-escalate things. Everybody was very stupid and my Sentence Fragment count is almost at 200.

Even before I start the riff, this chapter is about 6,000 words, which is how long my riffs usually are with snark, and I’m planning on typing up a sizable rant at the end. Still, this is the last installment, and it’s already cutting into what should be the start of the Badfic Zone, so consider this a special jumbo-sized rifftacular!

It should’ve just been another night in Beacon, right?

However, the sun had failed to set at the appropriate time, causing it to continue to be a day in Beacon instead of just another night.

It was very strange.

The full moon was shining down upon the grounds, in it’s unbroken state.

I mean, Remnant’s moon is broken all the time. It’s just sometimes it rotates so you can’t see the debris because it’s in front of or behind the main chunk.

Teenagers were partying and enjoying themselves, as well as one another’s company. There was nary a cloud in the midnight sky, and all seemed peaceful. And yet the scent of rust and death hung heavy over the forest.

Jaune was beginning to regret his choice of cologne.

GoodJamags: But I don’t regret this line break!

*Sigh*

The source was likely the huntress who had recently just become a bloody pulp, both in the literal and metaphorical sense.

*Scratches head*

What the hell is a metaphorical bloody pulp?

GoodJamags: Maybe it’s the “recently” that’s both literal and metaphorical?

Arms hung across the sides and chest, as though protecting her just before her untimely death. Legs spread apart, likely trying to get herself up to escape. And yet it wasn’t these, or even the blank look of agony on her face, or the lack of light in her eyes. No. It was her chest area, currently filled with wounds still somehow seeping fresh blood. As though someone had taken a pair of cleats, made the spikes ridiculously large, and stomped all over her torso.

It was her chest area that what? There’s no complete thought there. Was her chest area the metaphor?

(bowchickabowow)

A Sentence Fragment Won’t Protect You count: 190

A Sentence Fragment Likes Piña Coladas and Getting Caught in the Rain count: 191

And standing near the body, covered head to toe in the blood of the new dead huntress was Ruby Rose, an ironic and fitting name for her current appearance. She too held the undeniable stench of rust and death, the smell of blood.

Because… she’s red?

Did… did the huntress’s very death occur in the proximity of some horses?

Think about it…

In her hand was the gun form of Crescent Rose, and before her stood nine people who could previously be counted as friends. Or at the very worst, intolerable acquaintances. To her, they were a nightmare. To them, she was a demon. Both sides viewed the other as being something completely evil, wrong. And yet neither and both sides were right.

This is all wrong.

“So, shall we start?”

I think you’ve already started.

“Wait, no. Ruby, don’t!”

“I call time out!”

“Sorry Blakey, too late. Guys,” Ruby said, still facing them. And yet it wasn’t them she was interested in, or even remotely addressing. It was her Grimm. “Hunt.” With a sharp snap of her fingers, their fate was sealed. All at once, the shadows behind Ruby, save Dinah, came forward as a wave, hellbent on drowning those victims before it in a sea of regret and despair.

Author, what is it with you and using the word “hellbent” where it’s almost right but not quite?

And, depending on how afraid they were, their own piss.

Very mature.

The first to reach were of course the Beowolves, led by Chesh. The ones they ran into first were Cardin and his gang. While they didn’t seem like much, however, they could surprisingly handle themselves well. Cardin himself especially. No wonder they somehow earned their way into Beacon. In the blink of an eye, a few of the wolves were already down and out of them game. A fact that irritated Ruby to no end. There were her wolves, and this would not be forgiven. But while Cardin’s minions handled the rest of his pack, Chesh took on Cardin alone. As far as Ruby was concerned, that was a forgone conclusion right there.

Wouldn’t Sue Grimm Prime be the first to reach them? Since, you know, she’s the totally super duper sanic hegehog fatsest thign alife?

A Sentence Fragment Itself Especially count: 192

A Sentence Fragment That Irritated Me to No End (Actually There are a Lot of Those) count: 193

And here I was worried this counter wouldn’t break 200 before we were done.

The rest devolved in to a full out melee.

Because what we were already reading was only a half out melee?

Taking on her ‘Tusks was Weiss and Pyrrha as a team. It seemed that stopping those heavily armored monstrosities was going to take some work. Well, it not even a team of fully trained hunters could do it, Ruby figured that her old friends wouldn’t meet with any more success. While the Grimm found their opponents, Ruby carefully watched the battle scene unfold before her. And boy, was she ever enjoying it.

At least somebody’s entertained. You planning on stepping in yourself there, Sueby?

Over with Blake, she was busy dealing with a very angered ‘Dee. But it seemed like her talents were perfectly suited for handling the large Ursa, as in no time, Blake was using her speed, and her semblance, to lead the big guy by the nose. Running up on ‘Dee, she narrowly avoided one of his massive paws that came swiping at her from the side. Not missing a beat, Blake threw Gambol Shroud around the arm that flew by her, and swung herself high above the Ursa’s head. Firing the gun behind her several times to abuse the recoil, Blake began to spin herself violently. The speed of her descent combined with the momentum of her spin spelled disaster for ‘Dee, as a second later, large crack was heard. Using all of her force, Blake had driven the sheathed form of her blade into the bony plate covering the Grim’s head, plunging the blade straight through the head and out of the lower jaw. After a second where it seemed the Grimm was simply going to shake it off and maul her, ‘Dee fell to the ground, already dissolving from it’s death. Not giving herself a chance to rest, or congratulate herself on beating an elder Grimm, Blake’s next target was ‘Dum, and he didn’t fare as long. As he was distracted with attacking on one of the other students, some big faunus who seemed the offspring of a human and a hippo, Blake again threw her weapon, wrapping it around his neck. Pulling on the neck and pushing off of the ground, combining her natural speed with the slight boost from her semblance, she raced at high speed towards the massive Ursa. Before reaching him, Blake pulled back her weapon and extended the blade to the normal form. With a sickening squishing sort of noice, Blake drove Gambol Shroud straight through ‘Dum’s neck. Not taking chances, she swiped to the side, half severing the great Ursa’s head.

OH MY GOD I DON’T CARE SHUT UP.

In the span of just two or so minutes, most Chesh’s pack, ‘Dee, and ‘Dum have all been slaughtered. Ruby was starting to feel she’d underestimated them just a bit. While not terribly bad opponents, Ursa Major’s were still extremely tough. For Blake to kill two of them swiftly, and for Cardin’s group to manage to handle the coordination that Chesh’s group had. It seemed like Ruby would need to get serious. Putting her forefinger and thumb to her lips, Ruby blew real hard, sending out a shrill whistle of sorts. The whistle was answered swiftly with a rain of feathers, curtesy of Poe and his fledglings.

I assume those are the Nevermores she recruited offscreen. Very creative naming, by the way. It’s almost like you caught what is what the refrance with their existing name or something.

The sudden storm of Nevermore feathers, each with the power to tear trees from the ground and split boulders, caused a panic among the students. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on who you ask, the shots were missing the students, and ended up causing a little friendly fire, as Ruby could see her Boarbatusks became pincushions due to their lack of speed. They wouldn’t likely die from only that level of injury, but they would be slowed down even more, and likely wounded and weakened.

Wounded, weakened, winded, and worse for wear. And wordy. Very, very, wordy.

Watching this, Ruby made a mental note to teach her Grimm some better coordination. That, or possibly give firing lessons to Poe. Giving a small sigh, and a mental facepalm, Ruby was getting real tired of this. She was on the verge of coming out and doing something herself.

Yeah, wasn’t the whole point of this revenge that your Grimm menagerie would help you get revenge, not go take your revenge for you?

But as long as her Grimm held up, she would hold back. After all, this is what they came for. Might as well let them enjoy themselves a bit, neh?

“Neh?”

Keeping watch, it seems some progress was finally made at least. One of the no names, a rather large guy who seemed part bear, or maybe something else.

Even the author acknowledges that several of the dumbass conspirators are nameless.

Speaking of which: We’ve got Weiss, Blake, Pyrrha, Cardin, Russel, Dove, Sky, Mohawk Guy, Dead Alchemist Girl, Hippo Guy, and Bear Guy. So theoretically, that’s the full group. Only just now.

Actually, it occurs to me that it’s really weird how the entirety of Teams RWBY and CRDL ended up in the same group even though the teams were supposed to be all mixed up for the purposes of the mission.

A Nameless Sentence Fragment That’s Probably a Bear or Something? Don’t Ask Me, I’m Just the Author; How Would I Know? count: 194

Either way, due to the indiscriminate fire from earlier, he seemed to have heavy injuries, as a large gash was across his back, and he was having trouble just holding off one of Ruby’s ‘Tusks. After a bit, the inevitable happened. He was gored by one of the Boarbatusks’ tusks.

How many tusks could a Boarbatusk tusk, if a Boarbatusk could tusk tusks?

Somehow, he was still going, despite the fact that a massive tusks was currently going through his chest.

I hate it when I have a single multiple tusk(s) going through my chest.

*Silent alarms blare*

Damn.

Ruby was honestly wondering what the hell he was doing, before a quick little flash caught her attention.

GoodJamags: No, it’s a quick little Flash. Here, let me show you:

Oh, OK. Got it.

Looking in his hand, Ruby saw an item about as big as her hand spread. It only took her a moment to figure it out, but it was too late.

It’s too late to turn back now?

While the Boarbatusk, which one it was Ruby still couldn’t tell,

Because they, and every other Grimm in the menagerie, are completely interchangeable?

opened it’s mouth to give some sort of cry, possibly of victory or something more primal, the faunus boy stuffed the item into the Grimm’s mouth.

…

Bow chicka-

GoodJamags: Dude, no.

Rearing back his hand, he struck the item with the knuckles he wore, creating a spark. Seconds later, this spark ignited the dust bomb that was in the Grimm’s mouth, blowing it’s head clean off.

It didn’t feel lucky.

Punk.

Wait, what kind of bomb needs to be punched with brass knuckles to detonate it? That seems really counterproductive.

While this pissed Ruby off, it also served the purpose of speeding up his death. The explosion of the head ended up destroying part of the tusk too, which ended up blasting into the guy like buckshot. Still and unmoving, Ruby knew he was dead. She couldn’t even hear his heartbeat, and the blood flowing from his wounds was slowing.

Uh… normally one can’t hear heartbeats from a distance.

Regardless, Ruby would make sure. Extending Crescent Rose, Ruby made her way over to the fallen boy, Dinah close at her heel. Placing the blade of her scythe under the boy’s neck, and he foot between his shoulder blades, Ruby fired off, severing his head rather neatly and cleanly. That was two confirmed deaths now. Only eight more were left.

NINE, DAMN IT.

Shifting her attention from the now confirmed to be a corpse beneath her. Ruby stared at the remainders, all fighting so pitifully for their lives. It would end the same for all of them. She swore it.

Well, there’s no need to swear about it.

You Ain’t Getting Me to Shift My Attention from That Sentence Fragment count: 195

GoodJamags: Line break!

Running through the forest on such a beautiful moonlit night.

Vomiting Sentence Fragments on a Page on a Beautiful Moonlit Night count: 196

If Jaune was a romantic, he’d appreciate the current situation. Or rather, he perhaps still might not, as he and Yang were swiftly dashing through the thick cover of trees desperately trying to seek out the location mentioned in the message that Ozpin had shown them.

So why’d you bring it up, then? Fuck’s sake, author.

Apparently Yang knew where the location was. Jaune wasn’t going to ask questions, nor was he in any sort of mood to find out why. He quelled his imagination, and focused on the task at hand, which was potentially stopping Ruby from massacring their classmates.

Again, all of you assholes keep talking as though there’s some sort of doubt as to what’s going on. There really isn’t.

If anything, Jaune was very familiar with how Ruby fought.

But what if nothing, though?

Early in the semester, Jaune and Ruby started to hang out more and more.

*Another cannonball crashes through the wall*

Is that thing still not sunk? GJ, grab your fancy hat and go try to sink it.

GoodJamags: *Puts on bicorne hat* Yes, sir!

Both enjoyed one another’s company, they had very similar interests, and both could act natural and dorky around each other comfortably.

*The next cannonball smacks GoodJamags in the head and knocks his hat off*

… Damn.

During these moments, the two would occasionally also spar. Well, the phrase “one sided” comes to mind when mentioning the sparring sessions, but that was not due to a lack of effort on Jaune’s part. Ruby was simply a monster.

A Sue, to be a tad more specific.

He speed allowed her to enter and exit the realm of godspeed willingly, making it only a trivial matter for her to slip through any defenses and completely overwhelm anyone in a bad spot.

The author is really proud of that “godspeed” term, isn’t he? Like, you realize that just means “good luck,” right?

If she used that ability of hers aggressively, Jaune knew there was likely no stopping her.

Except for all of the people who are able to outfight her over the course of the series.

Her aim was deadly, and her skill was ferocious. Despite Jaune’s thoughts that Ruby was possibly the most beautiful creature he had ever seen when she held Crescent Rose,

*Several more cannonballs crash through the wall*

I’m getting really sick of that.

he also felt that she wasn’t even human. He wasn’t even going to claim something cheesy and cliche like saying she was an angel. No. She was more an existence born and bred for combat.

An “existence?”

That was Jaune’s honest opinion of her when she picked up her weapon. That she was not some simple human huntress, but rather a potential force of nature. Something that Jaune was sure there would be several people finding out very soon. Or if they already had…?

Yes, we get it, Sueby is an unstoppable Sue. Whatever.

A Sentence Fragment is NOT SOME SIMPLE HUMAN, AFTER ALL, PLEASE PUT THE BLAME ON IT count: 197

Imminent Discovery of a Sentence Fragment count: 198

That was a thought Jaune didn’t want to imagine. After all, he’d done his homework on the Red Queen of Grimm. Her victims died usually in one of three ways. Death from wounds caused by beastial weapons, most likely some Grimm’s claws. Death from excessive bleeding. And death by beheading.

Death by Sentence Fragment count: 199

Death by Excessive Sentence Fragments count: 200

Off With the Sentence Fragment’s Head! count: 201

Well, there it is. Two hundred fucking sentence fragments in this story. God damn.

If anything, Jaune was well versed in the Red Queen’s killing techniques.

Author, I know you just learned a new phrase and are desperate to use it as much as possible, but “if anything” is used when something has been established to probably not be the case, but you need to clarify that it may be only to a limited extent or that something similar but not quite the same is the case. In other words, there has to be an “if nothing” that can be followed by your “if anything.”

And all of those kills no doubt likely took their toll on her psyche. No matter what, Jaune wasn’t expecting the same old Ruby to greet them. He felt that this night, which likely had begun by blood would be by blood, done. He just prayed that Ruby would be okay. He prayed with all of his heart to whomever would listen. And next to him, there was no doubt that Yang was doing the same.

At this point, I think we’re well past the point of Sueby’s being OK being a good thing.

To Yang, it didn’t matter what Ruby had done. She wanted her sister back. The little sister that she had always cared for. The little sister that she’d nearly gotten killed when she was too young to really understand what a Grimm was. The little sister that she owed everything too, the light of her life.

The Little Sentence Fragment count: 202

Almost Killed the Little Sentence Fragment count: 203

The Little Sentence Fragment’s Debt Collection Practices count: 204

As far as Yang was concerned, she herself wanted to kill all of those who harmed Ruby. If she’d had the opportunity, she would pound their faces in royally with Ember Celica until their skulls caved. Ruby was worth more than all of their lives combined, regardless of who the hell they were. It didn’t matter either. When Yang found Ruby- not if, when – she would stop her sister, only so that she can take out her anger on whoever the fuck touched Ruby. She might not actually kill them, but she would make them wish they were dead.

I wish I were dead.

Alright, no I don’t, but I wish I weren’t reading this fic.

Both Yang and Jaune, each with their thoughts focused one hundred percent on Ruby, each held very different ideas. But it mattered not, as they currently shared the same overall goal, one that could be summed up as ‘find Ruby.’ All either cared for right now was to make sure that she was safe. Though only Jaune had the forgiving enough heart to actually hope that the others Ruby called out were as well. Though in a way, it sort of felt hopeless. The letter mentioned around 11 pm. It was currently just a half an hour prior to midnight. Whoever was there was already ether dead, or nearly so. Regardless, some may have gotten lucky. Who knows. Either way, a knot began forming in Jaune’s stomach, and this time it was sadly not due to Taco Tuesday.

JESUS CHRIST GET TO THE POINT.

GoodJamags: Did somebody mention tacos?

Nah, false alarm. He’s on Wednesday, and it’s Sunday right now. Say, where have you been, anyway?

GoodJamags: Respawning.

Respawning did not take you that long.

GoodJamags: You don’t control my life!

However, what Jaune had feared had truly come to pass.

It was Taco Tuesday?

While it’s true that Ruby’s Grimm had taken severe casualties, mostly due to poor coordination and bad (or good, depending on your view) opponents.

From my point of view, the opponents are ugly.

GoodJamags: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil.

Then you are truly lost.

*BadJamags and GoodJamags proceed to grab sticks and wave them at each other while making lightsaber noises*

*This continues for about thirty minutes*

Chesh and his pack, ‘Dee, ‘Dum, and two of her three Boarbatusks are gone. Along with them were two of Poe’s hatchlings, leaving on Poe and a couple of others, all of whom were nearly dead themselves. Her Deathstalker, something that was not easy to recruit, was literally on it’s last legs as well. The only ones seemingly fine still were the Goliaths, whose massive size caused the students to avoid them like the monstrosities they were. Sadly, those Goliaths were also responsible for one or two friendly fire deaths on the Beowolves, mostly due to squashing them like bugs.

GoodJamags: It’s over, BatJamags! I have the high ground!

YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POWER!

GoodJamags: Hey, Bats, I think the fic is still going.

Aw…

*GJ whacks bats with a stick*

OW!

Not a pretty sight, really.

Not a Pretty Sentence Fragment count: 205

But still, things were going rather well for Ruby. In fact, the only ones left were the guy who’s head resembled a chicken, the very bastard who actually stuck his blade through her chest.

The only ones left were that one guy, huh? It’s, like, the inverse of the singular they.

His death would be by her hand, she swore it.

Ow! I think we just had a POV whiplash.

Along with him, Blake, Weiss, Cardin, and Pyrrha had managed to keep alive too.

How convenient that it happens to be the exact characters whose names we know (minus Cardin’s three goons).

Through a combination of incredible teamwork, likely brought about by the severe situation at hand, the four of them had managed to handle most of her Grimm with sheer valor and luck. If anything,

STOP DOING THAT.

Ruby was almost close to pitying them and leaving her vengeance at that. Too bad for them that it was only ‘almost’. While the remaining Grimm handled that small Group, Ruby had Dinah back up a bit while she went and handled the now seriously injured chicken man. As far as she was concerned, ‘overkill’ did not exist for him.

By the way, I’m assuming “chicken man” is the mohawk guy. In addition, the paragraph didn’t mention the King Taijitus, but I’m counting it as close enough:

Roll Call count: 9

GoodJamags: Hey, and there’s a line break here too!

“What the hell do you want now Rose? I already handled your little Grimm. Give up this fucking farce and turn yourself in you little psycho!” He really didn’t know when to shut up, now did he? There’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity, but this guy was firmly on the side that wore their underwear with little name tags in case they got lost.

It’s easier to lose your underwear when it’s on the outside of your pants, and that’s what superheroes do, and superheroes are brave, so I’m going with the bravery thing.

Removing Crescent Rose from her back, and allowing it to extend into rifle form, not scythe form but merely the gun mode,

NO FUCKING SHIT.

Ruby approached him slowly, and surely. When she stood about eight or nine feet from him, Ruby raised her gun level to his chest. Looking him square in the eye, Ruby didn’t show any trace of mercy or sympathy in her eyes. If one looked closely, they wouldn’t even see the light in them. All they would find is hellfire and brimstone burning where two beautiful silver pearls once laid.

Author…

You do realize that fire casts light, right?

“Didn’t I say it before? My revenge would only end if I failed. My Grimm, the ones you so mercilessly slaughtered, were not me. They were mine, indeed. But they are not me. I am me, and Crescent Rose is me.

Wait, are you you? Are they you? Who’s you? Is this the first step of your plan? What were your Grimm’s names again? I’m confused, like the brain-dead monkeys you take your audience for. You should repeat things for me more often.

And now it’s time that I took my revenge. If you have any energy left to summon your aura, do so. It will delay what is about to happen, so maybe you’ll have an extra moment to pray to whatever you believe in for mercy when you reach the other side.”

Stop speechifying and take your shot, you long-winded asshat.

Tilting her head slightly to the side and sporting a sort of eureka face, Ruby also decided to add one last quip. “When you see the others, tell them I send my regards.”

That’s… almost a quip.

“You bit-!”

Now now, it’s rude to call someone a bit.

Before he could even finish his profanity, he was assaulted by a large caliber round to the stomach. It seemed like he did indeed summon what Aura he could, as Ruby only found a small wound. Well, by small it was meant that there was a bruise the size of a basket ball on his abdomen along with a golf ball sized hole oozing blood at an alarming rate. Figuring that his aura shouldn’t hold much longer, Ruby fired again.

That’s not how Aura works. It either shields you entirely or it’s broken. There are a few types of attack that we’ve seen that can cut through aura, but those seem to mostly be special abilities.

And again. And again. To the shoulders, then the thighs. Further into the stomach area. Ruby fired until he had more open wounds on his body than she cared to count. Amazingly, he was somehow still alive though.

And a Sentence Fragment Again count: 206

A Sentence Fragment Once More with Feeling count: 207

A Sentence Fragment to the Shoulders and Thighs count: 208

Further Into the Sentence Fragment Pile count: 209

His recovery speed actually impressed Ruby. Too bad she wanted him dead regardless. Walking slowly over to his now fallen and bleeding body, Ruby extended Crescent Rose completely and placed the blade of her scythe below his neck. With one last giggle, Ruby pulled the trigger, sending yet another head flying. Four left. And yet somehow, those four still lived. It pissed Ruby off to no end.

Just like this story still being happening pisses me off to no end.

(Probably a Lot More Than) Four Sentence Fragments Left count: 210

No, what finally got her was that through some miracle, they had managed to stop all but the largest Goliath. Judging by the insane amounts of ice currently sticking out of the others, Ruby had no doubt that Weiss exhausted the hell out of herself just to do that. Without her, however, the final, and the biggest of them all, would be their undoing. OR rather, he would be, had Ruby not decided on a thought.

Guys, Sueby had a thought! I didn’t even know she was capable of that!

“Hey, Jabberwock, hold!” Ruby shouted, stopping her massive Grimm.

All I’m saying is that Young Justice is better at references than you are.

Or it was, back in the first two seasons when it had a plot and characters with personalities.

Stepping forward while her Grimm retreated, Ruby put on a sinister looking smile and faced down the survivors. “Funny, huh? Just a few months ago, it was the opposite, wasn’t it? You know? I was scared, shivering in fear. The thought of dying gnawing away at me completely. But unlike then, now there won’t be survivors.” With Crescent Rose ready to go, Ruby took up her stance and dashed in.

The dumbass has become the hunted!

Actually, they’re still pretty dumb. But Sueby’s dumb too.

Before any of them could react, Ruby was in Cardin’s face. But before she struck, Cardin had an attempt to grab her, hoping that his strength would serve to allow him to stop her. Too bad for him, as she more or less saw this coming. Taking a swift step back, Ruby fired her scythe behind her, using the momentum to swing it forward with a speed rivaling or even exceeding that of her infamous sniper rifle. In a second, before anyone could tell what had happened, a small thud was heard, followed by a loud agonizing wail. The culprit? Cardin. The reason? His arms, the symbols of the strength he so highly.

Oh, he highly, did he?

The Culprit was a Sentence Fragment?! count: 211

Nah, it’s Just Cardin count: 212

A Reasonable Sentence Fragment (Actually No it isn’t) count: 213

To Arms! It’s a Sentence Fragment! count: 214

And yet one of them was now lying on the grow, severed right below the elbow. The high speed assault could not appropriately be defended against, and Ruby had ended up taking one of his arms. Laughing madly, Ruby was covered by a bit of the crimson spray, further tainting her with yet another one’s blood. Perhaps attempting to be some sort of hero, Blake tried using her semblance’s speed to it’s fullest and rush in to help Cardin, but Ruby didn’t care. Spinning on the ball of her foot, Ruby avoid Blake’s attack, and with a carefully aimed shot from behind, blew the ribbon clean off of her head, along with a spray of blood and a few chunks of flesh covered with black hair. Yup. What Ruby had just blown off was one of Blake’s two cat ears.

Well… Uh… That’s gruesome?

“Ouch, that musta hurt. But hey, you should thank me. You hated those things, right?”

I mean, I don’t think that’s actually the case.

“Ruby, why are you doing this?”

You’d think what she’d be saying would be less that and more…

“OH GOD MY EAR EVERYTHING HURTS!”

… Something like that.

“Blakey, Blakey, Blakey, you already know why. Revenge.”

A Sentence Fragment Best Served Cold count: 215

Walking up slowly to Blake, Ruby was about to end her as she had the others, when something caused her to pause. Despite holding onto where her ear once was, and crying from what Ruby would assume was quite a bit of pain, Blake seemed to be making no effort to avoid what was coming. Unlike the others, she should still be able to fight a bit despite being tired. So then why? “Hey,” Ruby started, unable to get the question out of her head. “Why the hell are you just sitting there?”

Debilitating pain from getting Fred Weasley’d?

“Be-because we deserve this. You have ev-every right o be angry.” Through a few sobs, Blake still managed to explain her why’s to Ruby, who was now paused.

*Fiddles with Sueby’s remote control*

Never could work these newfangled Sue contraptions. Where’s the damn fast-forward?

But Ruby’s companion was not. Tiring of seeing it’s master play around, Dinah began walking forward with the intent of killing the remaining few itself. Despite the looming threat, none of them could move, and Ruby looked like a war was raging in her head, so she was not even paying attention. It looked like hope was lost for them. Approaching Weiss, Dinah opened it’s jaw wide, perhaps preparing to tear her throat out when the unexpected happened.

The Spanish Inquisition?!

At first it was only a whistling.

But not even a second after it began, a small red projectile flew by Weiss’ head at breakneck speeds, nailing Dinah right in the maw, sending the massive Grimm back reeling from the surprise. Busting through the thickets were Yang and Jaune, two guesses as to who fired the shot with the first not counting.

Well, it could be one of the remaining dumbass conspirators, or Sueby could’ve had a change of heart, or it could be Yang? I guess it’s probably not Jaune since he doesn’t usually carry a ranged weapon.

“I won’t let you kill these bastards. They’re mine!” Yang shouted at Dinah, her voice positively dripping with venom. Charging at the massive Beowolf, Yang knew no fear. She only knew pure unbridled fury. Meanwhile, Ruby who was previously preoccupied in her own thoughts, snapped back to reality at once upon seeing who had just entered the scene.

So… question. Why didn’t Weiss or Pyrrha try to stab Sueby while she was preoccupied?

“Y-Yang? Jaune? N-no. Why are you two here?”

Do you ever wonder why we’re here?

“Ruby,” Jaune breathed out, half like a sigh with his voice showing nothing more than wonder.

Voices: well known for showing things.

“Why are you here?

It’s one of life’s great mysteries, isn’t it?

And why are you getting in my way? Why is Yang attacking Dinah?!”

Why is my missile drifting off into deep space?

Over with Yang, a fierce brawl was currently ongoing with Dinah, both the young blonde brawler and the massive bipedal wolf like Grimm exchanging blows left and right.

And yet somehow my brain is giving me mental images of a particularly mild slap fight.

It was at this time that one could appreciate the high amount of aura that Yang possessed, utilizing every ounce of it to outright tank the attacks given to her by Dinah.

*SLAM!*

Informal gaming term. No place in formal narration.

Claws heavy enough to split boulders and cleave through solid plate armor was being taken by Yang’s sheer muscle and aura alone, and being returned with equal gusto. It was one of the few times where Yang’s semblance was truly showing it’s true nature and colors, allowing her to fight toe to toe with a Grimm that would make most hunters reconsider their career choice. Make no doubt, Yang definitely could feel the pain from the exchange of blows, but it seemed that rage was one hell of an anesthetic, as she continued striking back at the monstrous Beowolf like a mad woman.

STOP QUOTING ZAEED!

Ducking yet another paw from Dinah, Yang countered with a strike to the belly, only this time she didn’t give Dinah the chance to swing back. Rearing her other fist back, Yang began striking and firing without hesitation or reserve into Dinah’s soft midsection, one of the few places on her body not adorned by the armor of her kind. It was a furious assault, one that would have likely broken a regular human and faunus. The force that Yang had absorbed from the multitude of bows she had taken from the impossibly strong Dinah only further fueled her strength, allowing her to strike at the Beowolf with the force of a run away Bullhead. With one mighty heave, Yang forced her fist again into Dinah’s chest, and firing away multiple times in the span of a second, sent the massive Beowolf flying several yards away, giving the Grimm hang time. Rearing back and gathering her fury at once, Yang was preparing to finish this with the next strike. Her hair set ablaze like the pits of hell, Yang charged forward, ready to end that Grimm’s life. What happened next, she had not expected.

Uh… Yang? Why is your hair on fire? Aren’t the flames usually more around your eyes?

Before she could strike the wounded Beowolf, Ruby dashed between the two forces and, with Crescent Rose reverted to it’s gun form, took Yang’s fist head one.

No, no, Yang had two fists back in Volume 2.

The resulting impact not only sent Ruby reeling, but also shattered her precious weapon.

Barely avoiding being sent flying like Dinah had, Ruby was having trouble keeping herself up, the force of the impact jarring her body much worse than anything she’d felt before.

Except other times she got punched by Yang, which probably happened at some point in their lives?

“Ruby! Why’d you stop me?!”

“Because,” Ruby shouted, half wanting to cry at Crescent Rose’s destruction, and half angry at Yang trying to kill Dinah. “Dinah is part of my family. After they tried killing me, Dinah saved me, helped me recover back to normal. Without her, I’d be dead. I don’t wanna see her die, I don’t.”

Look, author, you’re not going to lower the A Sentence Fragment counter by putting the verb in the sentence twice, you’re not.

“Ruby…”

“Dinah, run away. Please. Get as far away from here as you can.”

Oh, can I do that too?

This time, without staying for it’s master, Dinah heeded her words completely. Despite it’s immense pride as an elder Grimm, Dinah instinctively knew that the blond hunter, Yang, would prove to be a bad foe right now. Taking off, Dinah left Ruby behind, merging into the shadows. Looking, the only Grimm left was the one remaining Goliath.

Weird, the last time Sueby said something like this, Sue Grimm Prime refused to leave. This thing has had literally one character trait, and you can’t even keep it consistent?

“Damn. Four short. Or maybe, I can still get them…?”

A Lot More Sentence Fragments than Four Too Many count: 216

“Absolutely not, Miss Rose.”

That voice. Turning to the origin, Ruby saw Professor Ozpin calmly strolling right into the clearing. Alone. Before she could even ask what he meant, a large solid white projectile came flying from behind him at an insane speed, putting itself completely through the Goliath’s skull in a single, destructive move. From behind Ozpin, Ruby could see, wielding her “wand” came Professor Goodwitch. The white thing, Ruby surmised, was likely the tusk from one of her slain Boarbatusks. And with that, it was over.

Why weren’t these two with Yang and Jaune? Also, I don’t think you understand what “alone” means.

A Vocal Sentence Fragment count: 217

A Sentence Fragment Again, Naturally count: 218

“Hahahah! Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I was so close too. So close to having justice done on all of them. Guess I have to settle for what I’ve got, huh? Well shit.” Ruby closed her eyes, chuckling slightly at the situation. So close to her revenge, and yet they still manage to get away. Was it perhaps divine intervention? She didn’t know, nor did she care.

Say, that’s funny, I don’t know or care either.

So Close to a Sentence Fragment (Actually You’re Right There) count: 219

“So, what happens now? You kill me for being an S~ class criminal? You capture me and turn me in to the proper authorities?”

Please?

“Neither of the above, actually.” Ozpin’s words, almost falling on deaf ears, Ruby did for a moment believe she was going deaf. “Tonight, we lost quite a great deal of talent. And over the past several months, we’ve lost countless hunters, tipping the balance of the scales slightly for the Grimm. As far as I’m concerned, none of this happened.

Bat-Ozpin, what are you talking about?

“But Ozpin!”

No, it’s Bat-Ozpin. Get it right.

“Now now Glynda, you know as well as I do. If we weigh the options before us, it would be much better to have her return to Beacon once more. We need a huntress of her caliber, especially with how many we’ve lost.” Turning back to Ruby, Ozpin now addressed her. “So, Miss Rose- no, Ruby. Will you accept?”

Yeah, because there’s… clearly no problem whatsoever with her being a homicidal maniac commanding an army of Grimm?

What Ozpin had said had completely thrown Ruby for a loop. How could h so calmly state that she could come back? He would hide what she’d done? But why? She was a murderer, she had so much hunter blood on her hands that no amount of water could clean them. And yet, he was willing to forgive her. But…

Seriously, this makes no damn sense.

“I can’t accept that, Professor.”

“…?”

“I’ve stained my hands with far too much blood. To be a huntress, I have to be willing to pick up the sword and fight the darkness, while holding onto my life and those that I love with my other.

Other what? Other life? Other darkness?

And yet, these tainted hands could no longer hold onto anything so pure. I would simply stain them with my touch.” Holding up her hands as though to emphasize her point, Ruby looked down to her bloodstained digits with a somber look. “So I can’t Professor. I just, I can’t go back with this kind of blood on my hands.”

Again, the fact that you’re a blatantly unstable serial killer isn’t factoring into this decision at all?

“Are you sure Ruby?”

“Ruby, please accept. I miss you. I need my little sister back. I don’t want to say goodbye like this.”

Also, is there any comment from Weissome McSchneevil, OoC!Blake, Not!Pyrrha, and Armless Cardin?

“Then don’t say good bye.

I’m not gone, Yang. I just won’t be here.” Looking around the teachers, her sister, best friend, and those traitors, Ruby could barely hold back some tears. Whispering to herself, Ruby uttered the words she didn’t want Yang to hear, but soft enough that even Ruby herself could barely hear. “Bye.”

Before any of them could react, Ruby disappeared into a cloud of rose petals, using her semblance to it’s fullest.

“Ruby…”

Well, that was abr-

GoodJamags: LINE BREAK!

Your powers of observation are overwhelming.

GoodJamags: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Jaune looked around at the scene before him. Ruby was gone, so many dead were just littered around. But among the living, Jaune saw faces that filed him with a mix of emotions, mostly disgust, anger, and sorrow. Walking over to a particular one, Jaune stood, looking down on the girl in front of him.

“Pyrrha.”

I think we’ve more than established that this is Not!Pyrrha.

Looking up, Pyrrha could barely look Jaune in the eye.

“Jaune, I…”

“Am ridiculously out of character?”

“Pyrrha, just shut up.” Once she’d stopped talking, Jaune continued. “I’m not going to ask why you did it. The bottom line is that you ended up hurting Ruby, and more than that you wished for her death. You- I once considered you a great friend, a sort of mentor, inspiration of sorts. Now, I simply don’t want to see your face again.”

And this is all just so completely messed up from canon that it might as well be backwards. One might even say that the white knight is talking backwards, and the Red Queen is certainly off her head. So, patrons, I’d like you to remember what the dormouse said.

Turning from Pyrrha, not giving her a chance to speak, Jaune walked away, not even flinching when he heard the sobs begin. At that moment, Jaune made a solemn vow in his heart. He would find Ruby and bring her back, no matter how long it took.

I think we just established that’s not happening.

GoodJamags: But you know what is happening?

I scarcely dare to wonde-

GoodJamags: LINE BREAK!

For the love of god.

Looking down on the destruction she had caused, Ruby could only sigh. It was an awful day. Her Grimm all dead, except Dinah, and Crescent Rose destroyed. What’s worse is that she failed to get revenge on four of them.

“Ahh, damnit. This sucks.”

The fic? Yeah.

She was planning to leave when some nearby rustling caught her attention. Behind her, Ruby found Yang exiting from the thickets. Walking over to Ruby slowly but calmly, Yang began to talk casually.

“You know Ruby, you’ve always had a habit of finding the highest place you could when you wanted to be alone. With your speed and your agility, it really wasn’t easy to catch up to you. I remember back then that when we finally found you, you always sat there with a serene look on your face.”

That’s… almost a decent character beat.

“Hello Yang. What’re you doing here?”

Making this fic take longer to end?

“Well,” Yang began, seemingly having trouble picking her words. After a few seconds of careful deliberation, she continued. “I wanted to try and convince you to come back once more. Nobody has to know you were the Red Queen, Ruby, nobody. We could go back to normal, from before all of this happened.”

Yeah, because nobody would ever figure that out. It’s not like she already killed seven students and left four witnesses or anything.

In her small chest, Ruby felt a slight pang. It was longing. Longing for those days to return as Yang suggested. And she wanted to, but she couldn’t, and she knew it.

Longing for the Sentence Fragments to End count: 220

[And lo, end they did. And there was much rejoicing.]

“I’m sorry Yang, but I just can’t. My hands are too stained with blood to ever be able to hold you, or anyone else, again.”

Would you mind repeating that about six more times? The audience is a bunch of stupid, stupid goldfish, so they won’t get it otherwise.

“Ruby,” Yang said, trying to grab a hold of Ruby before she left again. But Ruby shook her off.

“Yang, I can’t. I just can’t.” Turning to leave, Ruby almost departed before another thought crossed her mind.

WAIT, CAN YOU DO THE THING? I CAN’T TELL!

“Yang, despite what you did to me and my sweetheart before, I’ll forgive you. I love you, and you know that. I always will too. But next time, I won’t be as forgiving. I can’t be.”

And with that, Ruby Rose disappeared from Beacon, in her wake was left a cloud of rose petals. But they weren’t the usual rose red petals that Ruby always left with her semblance. No. Mixed among the crimson petals were petals as pitch as night.

Oh, for the love of god. Even her petals are edgy now.

GoodJamags: LINE BR-

*SLAM!*

That’s enough of that.

And thus, the Queen’s reign began.

And thus, this goddamn fic ended.

GoodJamags: *Weakly* But there’s one more-

Oh, shut up, would you?

*Author’s Note*

Hey there. Dravyn LeCrux here. Since this is the last chapter of The Red Queen, please allow me some time to ramble.

I’VE ALLOWED YOU TWENTY-FIVE GODDAMN CHAPTERS TO RAMBLE, YOU INSUFFERABLE LONG-WINDED HACK!

As I’ve mentioned several times before, this story started off as nothing more than what was supposed to be the ending chapter to another of my stories.

I’d hate to read whatever that thing was.

It was supposed to end in a tragedy, and yet somehow it eventually became this thriller story that I’ve written.

For months I have poured my heart and soul into this story, doing my best to give to you guys the drama, excitement, and dark!Ruby that you all wanted.

Incoherent ramblings about things that might be vaguely dramatic if presented with any subtlety, soul-crushing boredom, and Sue!Ruby, more like.

And based on your reactions, I’d say that I succeeded for the most part.

You most certainly failed.

But I would never have gotten this far without you guys reading, and providing the feedback. So thank you for the past 10 months. They’ve been awesome.

It’s depressing to see authors caught so deep in the ff.net echo chamber that they don’t even realize what a mess they’ve made.

Anyhow, back to the story.

I’d really rather not, if that’s alright with you. I can’t go back. I can’t. I just can’t go back. Have I mentioned that I can’t go back? I can’t go back. Oh, by the way, I can’t go back. Can I go back? No, I can’t.

See, I can write like you!

Yes, The Red Queen is over.

And thank god for that.

As I promised, nobody really had a happy end, did they? But we all know that I have a sequel planned, so who knows how it will continue? Oh wait, I do… Muahahaha.

I… don’t know if I have the strength to riff more of this abomination. Maybe in the distant future, but I’m certainly not going to tackle it now. Anyway, the rest of the author’s note is just random schedule stuff about the sequel and an incoherent note that I think is saying that this chapter is some sort of reupload or rewrite. More importantly…

WE’RE FINALLY FUCKING DONE WITH THIS ABOMINATION!

So… you know what this story’s real problem is?

Everything. Absolutely goddamn everything. Let’s try my usual fallback analysis tool, Aristotle’s six dramatic elements.

THEME: C+

The theme of this story is… that… revenge… is… bad… I guess? Meh, you know what, fine. That was handled alright. You know, aside from being pounded into our heads by hamfisted narration constantly, and undercut by the fact that aside from being incomplete, Sueby’s revenge doesn’t actually create any problems for her that didn’t already exist before she set her plan in motion. I guess most of her menagerie gets taken out and she loses Crescent Rose, but that’s about it.

PLOT: D

Hoo boy. Let’s break down this sequence of events.

1: People are angry at Ruby for… being younger than they are? The motivation for this animosity is never adequately explained. They seem to think she didn’t earn her way into Beacon while also considering her the best most dangerous badass huntress EVAR.
2: Eleven of them decide they want to kill Ruby over this vague animosity.
3: They somehow manage to all get randomly sorted into a group with Ruby and Yang.
4: Despite outnumbering her eleven-to-one, they manage to not actually finish her off somehow.
5: Ruby is so unbelievably angsty that a Grimm (a creature that’s usually drawn to attack people experiencing negative emotions) takes her in and nurses her back to health.
6: This Grimm also happens to be the biggest, baddest, scariest Grimm ever in the history of anything.
7: Ruby and this Grimm run around killing people and recruiting other Grimm for a while.
8: Ruby becomes this scary urban legend called the Red Queen.
9: Somehow, despite the Red Queen fitting Ruby’s description to a tee, literally only Jaune and Pyrrha are capable of independently figuring out that it’s her without being told by someone else.
10: Everyone still acts like it’s a matter of doubt who the Red Queen is and what she’s trying to accomplish.
11: Ruby finally shows back up and kills most of the conspirators before leaving again, which all the non-conspirators are happy to just sort of… allow to happen.

I’d also like to note that of these eleven plot points, about twenty of the twenty-five chapters are spent on three of them (with more than half coming in the first two chapters). That’s where the (already not very sensible, mind you) plot really falls apart: It completely stalls out and nothing happens for the vast majority of the story’s wordcount.

CHARACTER: D-

OK, let’s take this one at a time.

Sueby Psychose: Ruby gets an 800-kiloton angst bomb dropped on her, and becomes completely unrecognizable as a result. She’s just a generically violent psychopath who we’re expected to sympathize with because she feels bad about it. We’re repeatedly assured of her “childlike innocence” which is never actually demonstrated in any practical capacity. She’s totally teh bestest fighter EVARZ and can easily keep pace with opponents like Emerald and Mercury who would eat her for breakfast in canon. And, of course, she gains the contradictory and canon-breaking ability to control Grimm through sheer force of angst. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a bad character.

Weissome McSchneevil: Alright, so I admit it: Weiss in Volume 1 and most of Volume 2 was pretty much a cardboard cutout. Even despite that, though, she was at worst bratty and insensitive. Now, I get it. For the purposes of the story the author wants to tell, the characters can’t be their normal selves. To that extent, early-season Weiss is actually one of the more reasonable candidates for McEvil-fication. The problem is that she’s also not an especially compelling villain. She’s written as an utterly incompetent mustache-twirler, and while at least canon!Weiss could juxtapose her snotty attitude with being one of the good guys, McSchneevil doesn’t even have that much dimension. She sucks.

OoC!Blake: Blake is perhaps the most drastically out of character. The entire reason she’s at Beacon is because she was tired of people with seemingly noble ends being willing to hurt innocents to achieve those ends. The dumbass conspirators’ goals, however, are not even superficially admirable. Not only is it never explained why Blake would be willing to go along with the whole mess, the author’s solution is to instead have her change her mind mid-fic for no reason! (And by “no reason,” I mean “determining from mid-Volume 2’s characterization something that should have already been apparent from Volume 1 and hastily patching it in.”)

Not!Pyrrha: While Blake is arguably the most out-of-character, I’ve reserved the “Not!” tag for Pyrrha because of exactly what the tag implies: cette n’est pas Pyrrha. OK, so maybe the author misjudged Weiss and Blake’s early characterization and needed them to be assholes for the plot. Whatever. Pyrrha, though? Pyrrha’s just here for the author’s shipping. He ships Ruby and Jaune and so Pyrrha must be evil. Never mind the fact that Pyrrha is, as I stated early on, just about the kindest, most honorable character you could imagine, and has nothing whatsoever to gain by participating in the conspiracy. No, she’s in the way of the ship, so she’s clearly an evil, manipulative bitch who is just jealous of the author’s OTP. It’s… actually rather ironic that Pyrrha’s characterization here seems to be born out of precisely the kind of jealousy the author seems to accuse Pyrrha herself of. What was it I said back in the Mandalorian Effect riff?

It is truly fascinating the regularity with which idiots can point fingers that should be pointed back at themselves.

Ah, that’s the ticket.

Jaune: Nothing but shipping here. Shipping and vomit, anyway.

Yang: Oddly in-character, actually. Like, the author harps way too heavily on the overprotective big sister angle and the anger issues, but it’s not like those aren’t traits that Yang has. And let me be clear, Yang’s one of my favorite characters (second only to Nora, who was thankfully spared having to be in most of this mess). If I thought there was something seriously wrong here, I’d be harping on it.

DIALOGUE/NARRATION: F

Awful. Awful, awful, awful. Horrible. Terrible. Abysmal. Dreadful. Deplorable. Gimme a B. Gimme an A. Gimme a D.

It sucks.

OK, now that I’ve got that out of the way, let me be fair about one thing: the quality of the dialogue actually drastically improved over the course of the fic. Look at this line from the first chapter:

“I honestly think Pyrrha might end up a contestant. I mean, she does have several accolades under her belt, and her skill is rather well known.”

And here’s one from this chapter:

“Ruby, please accept. I miss you. I need my little sister back. I don’t want to say goodbye like this.”

OK, so the second one actually very nearly almost sounds like something a human being would say. I might rewrite the two lines like so:

“Well, obviously it’s going to be Pyrrha,” Nora interjected, “I mean, she’s famous!“

And like so:

“Ruby, please come back. I don’t want to say goodbye like this.”

Note how I didn’t actually change the second quote all that much. It’s still pretty much the same in substance, just not quite so wordy.

Oh, but “wordy” is, appropriately enough, the word of the day, isn’t it? Because no matter what happened, throughout all twenty-four chapters, this story just wouldn’t shut the hell up. Every damn thing that happened needed four paragraphs explaining how dramatic and meaningful it was, because the audience, as previously mentioned, is a bunch of goldfish. And despite the hideously bloated wordcount, the author apparently

A Sentence Fragment count: 220

COULDN’T.

A Sentence Fragment count: 220

SPARE.

A Sentence Fragment count: 220

A COUPLE.

A Sentence Fragment count: 220

FUCKING.

A Sentence Fragment count: 220

VERBS.

And that part actually got worse over time; note how there were multiple chapters where that counter literally doubled. That’s a greater-than-one geometric progression of sentence fragments.

MOOD/TONE: D+

OK, here’s where the story really could’ve shined – and sort of did shine in a couple isolated places. I absolutely see what the author is going for with this mess. He was trying to create a full-blown Shakespearean tragedy. King Lear or Hamlet comes to mind, particularly the latter. A cruel wrong leads our protagonist to a mad, bitter quest for revenge that alienates his/her closest friends and ends in a tragic and catastrophic series of deaths, showing that in the game of revenge, there are no winners. There’s just one teensy little problem.

Dravyn LeCrux is not even close to being Shakespeare.

The tone is simultaneously relentlessly angsty and utterly flat, often jerking wildly between flowery purple prose and profanity-laden colloquialisms and pop culture references. Most importantly, while Hamlet is full of twists, characterization, and drama, The Red Queen is full of a whole hell of a lot of nothing. Oh, and that dramatic ending where everybody dies? Note how in this story, nobody we actually give a shit about dies. Not even Cardin. I’m fairly certain the only named characters to get killed were Cardin’s teammates, whose names the author never mentioned and therefore probably doesn’t know. I mean, think about that. It’s a bitter revenge tale of murder and hatred, and we don’t know the names of any of the people who got murdered.

Come on!

SPECTACLE/PRESENTATION: B-

Dravyn claims not to be very good at fight scenes, but I have to be honest: the action in this story is just about the only thing that was actually tolerable to read. Sure, he drastically overestimated Ruby’s skill level compared to canon and indulged in a few improbable stunts (but I mean, it’s RWBY for god’s sake), but as the raw sequence of events goes, the action was reasonably well-written.

Theoretically the other exciting bit would be all the Grimm Sueby’s collecting, but frankly, they’re all completely interchangeable and met an anticlimactic death in the last two chapters.

That nightmare sequence was legitimately pretty cool, though. It wasn’t really earned in context, but as a moment in the story the author thought he was telling, it would be great.

OVERALL GRADE: D-

Congratulations, author. One might technically characterize your story as not failing. Barely.

Alright, that should just about wrap this up. Patrons, I’ll see you all next week for some Halloween spoop!

*SLAM!*

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 220
Roll Call count: 8
Vomit Boy count: 8

And now, your out-of-context quote from the next riff:

My favorite rhyme scheme is when the first and third lines of each stanza sometimes rhyme but mostly don’t, except for the one stanza that only has two lines.

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