1349: Poison – Chapter Two

Title: Poison
Author: 221B-Tardis
Media: Books
Topic: Snow White / Fairy Tale
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure
URL:  Chapter Two
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

Hello again, dear readers.  As you probably recall (but I’ll recap anyway), last week I returned from a very long hiatus to take on this terrible little Snow White fic.  In chapter 1, we have Arianna White, a Witchy Sue, kill her lover, who is the father of her unborn baby, because her husband the king won’t believe the baby is his.

::looks over that summary sentence::  Well, it doesn’t make much sense, but neither did the chapter.

Witchy Sue then declares that she will cast a spell to make her husband believe that the baby is his and that her baby will be a girl with white skin, red lips, fuchsia cheeks, and ebony hair.  Then she passes out, like witches do.

Chapter 2

17-year old Snow white sat on the edge of the rotting well that dirtied her Safire and buttercup gown. She looked down at the waters depth and in her reflection saw the concentration on her face slowly turn into aggravation. She turned away staring hard into the woods concentrating harder. Nothing happened. Finally she looked at a crow and beckoned for it to come to her. The sleek bird spread its blue- black wings and glided down to Snow white’s feet. Its wings bent behind its back and its head dipped in a gesture a servant would give its master.

“17-year old” – halfway there!  Better than most …

“her Safire and buttercup gown”??  What does that mean?  How is she wearing a writer?  Is he holding the flowers?  I’m starting to get some weird mental images here, so I’ll move on.

Nothing is usually what happens when I stare into woods, too.  Crows don’t come when I beckon, though, so obviously she’s special.

“Yes, your royal witchness.” He squawked.

“Your royal witchness.”  I like it.  I probably would have gone with “witchiness,” but this works.  This will be my new name.

“I am no witch; I can do nothing with water or earth. I have no magic.” She sighed; her jet hair fell over her amethyst eyes.

So being addressed by birds is totally normal?

And is she made of stone?

“But you are mistress. Neither man, nor woman can hear my words only a witch could hear. Witches stand out to us. A crow can always tell.” Crow confirmed.

That’s what I thought.

Also, there’s a reason competent writers use commas.  It took me longer than it should have to puzzle out “But you are mistress.”  At first I thought that the crow was telling SW that she is the mistress – as in mistress of magic, or something.  I finally realized that he meant to say “But you are, mistress.”  But I guess I should cut him some slack – human intonation must be hard for a crow to master.

“How can you tell?” Snow white glared at crows orange eyes. His eyes looked to young to be wise but no less the ignorance in them burned her logic to ashes.

Huh what?  I do not understand that sentence.  The best I can do it assume it’s supposed to say “too young,” but that doesn’t help much.

“A crow can always tell.” He repeated. The glower Snow white gave him obviously made him rethink his words. “We have knowledge on what makes someone a witch. There is the magic of course, there is something in the eyes that gives it away, a witch can never hold the same form for longer then 20 years and ,like most things, witchery is hereditary its all about your parents and there family’s.” crow screeched in a cautious tone.

“there family’s”?  “there family’s”?!?  “there family’s”?!!?!!?  I can’t do this.

::sigh::

But there’s so much wrong with that one paragraph!  I can’t even handle all of it.  Let’s just move on.

“Are you saying my parents were witches?” she asked incredulously. Her delicate obsidian eyebrow raised.

Again, made of stone?  (Or glass, as the case may be.)

“I never met your father.” He murmured his head turned to look at a spot on the ground. “But your mother was.”

This author’s lack of commas is really starting to wear on me.  What did Taco do with all the commas he’s been shaking out of that Legaia fic?

“What do you mean ‘never met my father’.” Snow asked fury creeping into her tone. “He’s the king, you told me before you have seen the king.”

See what I mean?

Crows head bent down sheepishly in fear of his next words. “Like I said I never met yourfather.” He said making an obvious edge on the word ‘father’.

A sheepish crow.  I’m trying to picture a cross between a sheep and a crow.  Maybe like a fluffy black gryphon?

Snow white opened her mouth to protest and say a crow like himself shouldn’t say such things about a past queen but she shut it quickly. She had never really met her mother, she had died in child birth only seeing a glimpse of brown hair, fair skin and striking violet eyes. She wished she knew more about her mother before fate cruelly snatched her away. Instead she was stuck with her step-mother Aurora white. She had golden hair curling to her narrow waist, she was tall and statuesque, and her features were disturbingly perfect. Snow white hated every ounce of her except her eyes were purple like her mother and Snow herself. That she didn’t hate. She loathed.

There is something seriously wrong with the second sentence in this paragraph.  “… she had died … seeing a glimpse of brown hair, …”  So the obvious way to parse this sentence is that the “she” who had died – SW’s mother – did the seeing – of SW.  But SW doesn’t have brown hair, her hair is jet.  (I’m not even going to think about birthing a baby with stone hair.)  It’s possible it started brown and got darker, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what the author meant.  She meant that SW got a glimpse of her mother.

She remembers seeing her mother.

Who died when she was born.

Anyone else have memories from when they were first born?

No one?

I thought not.

::headdesk::

Next question – who/what does SW loathe rather than hate?  Please let me know if you’ve figured it out, ’cause I’ve got nothin’.

“How do you know he isn’t my father?” she asked this time more impatient then before.

“more impatient THAN before.”  Ugh.

“A crow can always tell.” He answered and flew off without another word. This angered Snow further. Unable to say another word she stormed off into the woods unaware of the trees crashing down behind her graceful strides.

And that’s (finally) the end of the chapter.  Lots of set-up, no real action.  Join me next time to see if Snow White becomes Witchy Sue, Jr.  (Who are we kidding, we know she does.)

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