1348: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eleven, Part Three

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by SC, Simon Bellamay III, and Captain Rexus Creed

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, San’s attack finally went into motion, whilst I send my guest riffers had many a headache over how asinine said attack actually is in practice.

Paulo cheated and read ahead for this week and the next, and when he saw what bullshit Alex and San are both gonna get up to, he noped out on me. Didn’t even tell me what he saw, the fucker! I could have at least sympathized!

Well, in any event, I was lucky enough to catch Simon on one of his rare breaks, so I pulled him in.

Simon: Heyo!

And I figured, since I have one Demonslayer with me, and we happen to be hitting an actiony point in the fic, why not call in another Demonslayer? Although, technically, his job title is Paranormal Hunter nowadays, but he still seems to mainly hunt demons.

I’m rambling. Say hello to Captain Rexus Creed!

O hai, Creed!

O hai, Creed!

So, Creed, as I mentioned, once belonged to a Demonslayer Order, much like Simon currently does – Creed was a captain in the Holy Order of the Sovereign’s Shadow, named such because they were formed as a kind of demon-hunting special forces group for the then-monarchist government of the country they were based in. They were nicknamed “Black-And-Whites” because their uniforms had a very monochromatic color scheme about them.

Captain Rexus Creed, circa back-when-he-had-both-eyes.

Captain Rexus Creed, circa back-when-he-had-both-eyes.

Creed served loyally and proudly with the Sovereign’s Shadow for a long time, and he and his unit ended up becoming some of the most influential individuals in the Order. However, the world that the Order knew was evolving, and they weren’t able to keep pace – the government went from a monarchy to a republic, so the Order had to alter their identity from the Holy Order of the Sovereign’s Shadow to the Holy Order of the Righteous Shadow, which didn’t sit well with a lot of the old vets like Creed. Following that, multiple law changes made it so that, where the Order once acted with impunity, they were suddenly hit from all sides by red tape whenever they so much as sneezed wrong. Then there was the rise of freelance Demonslayer agents who did the work of an entire Order by themselves or in compact, elite teams, and usually were ten times as efficient about it because they were flexible, whereas Orders tended to hold to the rigidity of the past.

Long story short: it was all starting to mount up. To the surprise of really not that many people, many once stalwart Orders started becoming really scummy, simply on account of their inability to cope with change. To the surprise of everybody, however, the Righteous Shadow was one of them.

During one mission that was going particularly poorly, an executive decision was made for the strongest units, Creed’s included, to purge an entire city by fire. Said city was full of innocent people who didn’t realize that there was a demonic infestation plaguing them, and Creed objected to the plot. His opinion was ultimately ignored, and so when the time came for the plan to be set in motion, Creed and his unit made the decision to defect and keep their honor and dignity in their hands, rather than lower themselves to the level of murderers.

Cut forward a few years, and Creed’s unit have all gone their separate ways, made new lives for themselves. Creed, still hung up on the Order’s fall from grace, tries to build his own Order – The Dogs of Creed. The name wasn’t his choice, but he went along with it. For a time, Creed – and his new Lieutenant, Sarah Gregor, who he calls “Lou” – commanded a highly successful and popular operation, and cemented a name for themselves as the grand rebirth of a lost era. That came back to bite them, though – during one mission, the Dogs of Creed happened to cross paths with none other than the Righteous Shadow. Or, rather, what little was left of them. Enough time had passed, and their organization had eroded so heavily, that whatever good the Righteous Shadow once represented, everybody now knew them as a gang of thugs masquerading as heroes. And they were still very sore about Creed’s defection, on top of the many others who ended up following him. Naturally, this was a prime chance for them to even the score, and violence broke out. By the time the dust cleared, however, the Righteous Shadow was utterly destroyed, never to recover.

…And so were the Dogs of Creed. However far the Righteous Shadow had fallen, they were still very powerful, very skilled, and very cunning, which all led to an evenly-matched bloodbath that nobody truly walked away from in victory.

Creed never recovered from that. Physically, he walked away with injuries that healed over time, save for his eye, but mentally… not so much. In fact, he became very emotionally detached from, or openly hostile towards the people around him, not because he dislikes people, but because he lives in fear of becoming invested in someone only to watch them die in front of his eyes later like what happened to his Order. It’s been an uphill battle for the people who work under him now to get him to lighten up around them, much less anybody else. He’s become estranged from his own family as a result of his change in demeanor. And, to top all that off, he’s sworn off the Demonslayer Order life entirely, instead going the freelance route that saw the ultimate downfall of the Righteous Shadow.

Currently, Creed runs a small office with four coworkers: Sarah “Lou” Gregor, his stern Lieutenant and the only other surviving member of the Dogs of Creed, also the only person who Creed confides his true feelings to because she’s known him the longest –

O hai, Lou!

O hai, Lou!

– Kyler Tristan, a young Order Initiate, former bounty hunter and former pilot (and half-Archangel due to a blood pact that he doesn’t talk about because “it’s complicated”) who was cut from the ranks of the Order of Grace’s Light because he was juuust under the bar for their tastes –

O hai, Kyler!

O hai, Kyler!

– Féodris “Féo” Alexandris, a sport marksman who joined up with Creed after his mother was claimed by demons, and who quickly became a close friend of Kyler’s –

O hai, Féo!

O hai, Féo!

– and Rika St. Claire, a spunky young pup trying to make a name for herself in the freelance hunter business by hanging with the big dogs. She and Kyler are friends from early in their childhoods, as they lived in the same orphanage for about six months before Rika ran away and was taken in by a sisterhood of nuns, and Kyler was adopted by a detective.

O hai, Rika!

O hai, Rika!

(By the way, you probably noticed that Creed and Lou seem a tad underdressed. Don’t worry, when they’re actually out on a mission, they armor up like everybody else.)

…But they don’t matter, since none of them are here! See, Creed has an office policy, “if the boss isn’t in, everybody else keeps the place running,” and Creed agreed to help me riff, so…

Creed: You’re stalling.

I’m totally stalling. I really don’t want to see how shitty this chapter is about to get.

Simon: I don’t like being a Demonslayer, but I still do it, bro.

I know, I know, you don’t have to pep-talk me…

Fine, we’ll get to the fucking riff already. We left off last time as San was making her charge towards the Irontown walls, screaming like a fucking idiot:

“Now Kiba!” San shouted, bracing herself for the approaching impact.

Pivoting his weight, Kiba rotated himself so that his back was the only part of his body facing the spikes, and with a grotesque crash, collided into the first row. The impact was powerful but did not harm him in the least. It did however manage to bring him to an abrupt halt.

Simon: I’m sorry? He slammed bodily into barricade spikes, but wasn’t harmed by them?

I’d have to watch the movie again to clarify that one, but I’m willing to let it be for now.

Simon: These fucking wolves are made of steel, Mr. Creed.

Creed: That still wouldn’t be the strangest thing I’ve ever dealt with.

The sudden change in her wolven brother’s speed caused San to catapult into the air like a rock.

Creed: Even though I know it makes sense, the imagery that sentence provokes feels contradictory to the idea of being launched airborne.

If she went flying like a rock, chances are she’s gonna land like one too.

Simon: Explosively, and in a massive shower of dust?

What fucking rocks have you been throwing?!

She passed over every row of the deadly spiked logs and as soon as she was close enough, drove the blade of her spear deep into one of the many logs that made up the wall.

Now, with the general angle barricade spikes are planted at, you’d think San would’ve taken a hit just trying to fly over the first batch, but then you must also remember that her wolf brethren are huge, so Kiba probably took the brunt of it.

Simon: I was just about to say…

Letting her reflexes take control, the young wolf-girl pulled herself over the lodged in spear and clambered up the side of the wall until she was safely over the rim and face to face with one of the masked riflemen.

As the dumfounded man stared at her, San whipped out her dagger and with a single, blindingly fast movement sliced open the man’s throat.

Simon: “But I just got my uniform clea-GACK!”

That was terrible and you should feel bad.

Simon: Then why are you laughing?

I’m not laughing, fuck you!

Another guard, rushed towards her, swinging his rifle around like a club.

You fucking idiot, it’s no wonder YOUR stupid ass gets fucked up.

Creed: Why is he swinging the gun like a club anyhow? That takes longer to pull off than a butt-jab. He could have had San on her knees and at the mercy of his comrades.

Don’t exhaust yourself just yet. This gets more stupid, I can guarantee that. Combat scenes are one of Stone-Man85’s weakest points.

Creed: Of course…

But to no avail, as the Wolf girl’s movements were that of water; smooth, graceful, and untouchable.

Oh, are we back to jacking off over how awesome San is again? Honestly, I’ve made my stance as a San fanboy clear, and yet this fic is slowly starting to make me hate her because of how hard Stone-Man85’s boner gets whenever he gets to write about her.

Simon: It does start to turn you to the dark side after a while. I’d probably get really sick of learning swordplay if my teachers only ever talked about how cool swords are and never focused on the shortcomings.

You’d hate having Specs as a teacher, then.

[Uh, that is simply incorrect. I recognize that swords aren’t the be-all-end-all of weapons, and how dare you insinuate that I think otherwise. -Specs]

When the man, missed, San swiped at his mid-section, causing him to back away, and fall off the wall, screaming down to his death.

Simon: Who the fuck wrote that line? William Shatner?

Don’t drag Shatner’s name down like that.

Back with Alex

Wait, what? That’s where you choose to cut back to Alex? That shit’ll give an SC whiplash if you’re not careful. (Although after all the sheer, unfiltered hatred I’ve thrown at this fic and the author who wrote it, I bet that’s what he’d like to have happen to me.)

As he struggled to hastily tie his jacket around his waist, Alex ran through the narrow avenues that criss-crossed all through Iron Town, eyeing the pandemonium which had swept over the entire compound in less than a few minutes. Everywhere he looked he saw the townspeople scurrying in panic, while groups of riflemen ran passed with their strange looking musket-staves slung over their shoulders.

Creed: Does Alex plan on punching San? I don’t recall it saying anywhere that he armed himself before jumping into the fray.

Oh, he’ll probably just bullshit a sword into existence when he needs one. And knowing our luck, it’ll probably be described in great detail about how cool it is. Probably be put forward as more powerful than yours and Simon’s swords combined.

*Creed rolls his eye and draws an onyx-black sword from its sheath on his back; blue arcane markings briefly flash along the blade*

Creed: My sword was made through secret methods which died with the Righteous Shadow that allow it to detect the good or evil of a being’s soul, and eradicate lesser demons from existence with one stroke. It’s forged out of materials which can’t be found anywhere in your world, and rarely so in mine, that make it strong enough to stand up to the impact of large-scale explosions without a scratch, sharp enough to cut straight through steel plating, and light enough to be used by any noodle-armed kid with ambitions of being a swordsman. This sword, alone, cost more to create than a corporation CEO’s yearly paycheck. If Alex wants to try and pull something that overshadows this out of his ass, then I’d be very interested to see it, because there are very few swords which can eclipse mine – and that’s not me bragging.

And Simon’s sword is a thrice-reforged legendary blade that gives strength of body and mind when wielded.

*Simon pulls out, in contrast to Creed’s black sword, an almost unearthly white sword that seems to be glowing, in spite of the fact that Simon isn’t sitting under any lights*

Simon: It’s true. This thing has been around for millennia. According to recorded history, it used to be a kind of “strength-through-sacrifice” deal. The first guy who used it was strong in mind, but weak in body, so he wanted it to be able to compensate. What ended up happening was that it sapped his mind and strengthened his body, until he became a super-buff vegetable and had to be mercy-killed by his own men because he was only surviving by his raw strength. And then the second guy was strong in body but weak in mind, so it was reforged to compensate for that… aaand he ended up becoming so weak that his powers disintegrated his body from within, and all that was left behind was a concentration of super powerful but highly unstable magic energy that could have destroyed an entire country if the Bellamay Order hadn’t been quick about containing it. I guess the third time ended up being the charm for me, and thank God for that.

Creed: Never understood strength through sacrifice. Always seemed detrimental to me. If I can be strong without having to give something up, why wouldn’t I go that route?

To be fair, the former wielders of Simon’s sword are two very extreme examples of the idea in practice.

Creed: Hmm.

“Just what the hell is going on here?” he asked, “Has everyone in this town lost their marbles or something?”

Nah, they’re just trying to fight back the plot.

When he turned the next corner, he was immediately greeted by the slashing blade of an incredibly agile Princess Mononoke. The girl had descended upon him without warning, which took him completely by surprise.

Mind you, I never said they were doing a good job of fighting back the plot.

Simon: Be kind of hard to do anyhow, the plot always wins.

“Oh crap!” Alex cried as he jumped back in time to avoid a nasty cut to his jugular, falling into a pile of cut lumber in the process.

Ow.

Creed: He’s young, he’ll get over it.

When he looked up he saw that the masked figure in white fur was standing over him. He could feel the girl’s sharp eyes scrutinizing him from behind the emotionless visage of her red mask.

Simon: See, I always thought her mask was angrily intrigued at everything.

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Simon: Yeah, exactly, only angrier.

Then, without even thinking he grinned widely at her. “Uh… hi, angel,” he said sheepishly, waving at her weakly, “Fancy meeting you here. I like the mask; gotta admit, red’s definitely your color.”

Are you fucking serious. Bitch, you better hope San kills you, I will drag your ass back here and beat the shit out of you for being such a dumbass.

“I should have know that you were working with these humans,” the Princess Mononoke retorted coldly towards him, her every word filled with venom stabbing right at him, “No matter what color their skin is, humans always seem cluster together,” she lunged at Alex, her dagger slashing wildly at his face and chest in a wild frenzy.

Well, you didn’t exactly extend any gestures of welcome when he met you, missy miss.

Creed: And besides, it’s the nature of any race to want to seek out their own. You’d think she’d understand this, given that she lives as a wolf child in a forest whose residents take their territories very seriously.

Simon: San’s been being a dumbass through this entire fic so far, I don’t think much of anything of her anymore.

Yeah, Creed, this is Sannabe we’re reading about. It’s something we decided a whole back, when she was first introduced in the fic. The real San isn’t here.

Creed: Works for me.

“Wait a minute, you’ve got it all wrong!” Alex protested, evading the onslaught very easily, due to his martial arts training. “I’m here because it was convenient for me!”

You’re there investigating the cause of your curse, dumbass, whether it’s convenient or not doesn’t matter worth a shit.

“A likely story,” the Wolf Princess shot, as she stabbed forward.

Simon: Great, now I’ve got this image on my head of this fic as film noir, and Sannabe’s swinging a lamp intimidatingly over Alex’s head demanding to know where he was on the night of the murder.

Creed: Shit, now I do, too, thanks a lot.

Arguably not the worst mental image this fic has provided.

Simon: Actually, if this fic had been written as a film noir parody of the movie, it would probably be a lot better than it currently is.

Creed: Oddly enough, I could see that working.

Only instead of hitting, he was able to use his right arm in a strange move and blocked it.

Uh oh, folks, shitty fight scene cometh.

Simon: Was I there for the last shitty fight scene?

No, you weren’t, but it was awful. And I think I get why Paulo fucked off on me, now.

When she tried to swipe at him, he either would duck, jump back, or grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her forward away from him.

Creed: Dodging and parrying won’t work forever, kid. She’s after your head, time for you to stop being nice and fight back.

I feel for you, Creed. You actually think this fic runs off of any kind of reality. Sadly, this fight is going to work out exactly as the author wants for Alex, because it’s furthering the garbage romance plot between him and San.

Creed: Terrific. Why did I agree to come here, again?

This situation angered San to some extent as she gritted her teeth under her mask, ‘Dammit! Why can’t I strike him? I know I’m must stronger and faster than any human…‘ and then shot forward, only to have him dodge her again, ‘… so why is he keep dodging me so easily?

Simon: “Stronger and faster than any human.” Oh, that’s precious.

She’s just adorable when she’s overestimating her abilities, isn’t she?

Creed: She reminds me of Rika, back when I first hired her. Except, Rika was at least endearingly foolish, and eventually got the picture that she’s not all that she thinks she’s cracked up to be. This just makes me want to reach into the story and punch San for being so damn stupid. Attitude like that cost me a lot of good men with great potential.

Well, grit your teeth and try to bear it, we’re not done here.

“Look, I’m not with these people; I just arrived here today. You’ve got to belie…” His foot suddenly caught on something and before he could finish the sentence was once again on the ground.

That’s Our Alex~!

*Corny sitcom music and laugh track*

The wolf-girl chuckled behind her mask and raised her dagger to make the killing blow. A small explosion suddenly erupted next to her, sending splintery chunks of wood sailing in all directions. When she looked over her shoulder she saw a group of men armed with long staves with blades on the ends heading towards her, a musket carrying riflemen leading them.

…Spears, Stone-Man85. They’re called spears.

Simon: And this is Japan, so like as not, they’re naginatas.

Not necessarily, Simon.

Ladies and gentlemen: su-yari.

Ladies and gentlemen: su-yari.

Simon: …Oh, shit, didn’t even know about those.

Don’t always believe what the hype says, a lot of it tends to be wrong. Japan’s spears weren’t only naginatas, just like their swords weren’t only katanas.

Simon: I have learned a thing today.

“Damn them,” she hissed and looked back at Alex, pointing the tip of her dagger at his face. The blade nearly reached the bridge of his nose, as the Wolf Girl hissed, “The next time you cross my sight, human, you die!”

Except no, because plot.

Creed: I can say, without any trace of humor, that that’s saved my life before.

Simon: Really? How?

Creed: A demon possessed a library and kept trapping me in books with the intention of killing me using the stories as its ammunition. Unfortunately, it put so much focus on me that I ended up becoming a primary character, and the plot of the stories I got trapped in hinged on the survival of the primary character, so I was able to escape with my life from each one until the demon ran out of books and came at me directly. By that point, it was so weak that I didn’t even need to use my sword to finish it off.

Simon: Wow.

Creed’s career has been nothing if not unique.

Creed: That’s a word for it.

She then scrambled up a piece of lumber that was leaning against a house and leapt on to the roof. Within seconds, the young wolf-girl was jumping from roof to roof, her strong yet slender legs moving faster than anything other humans could accomplish.

I’m pretty sure I’m gonna need another counter for the amount of times Stone-Man85 jacks off in-fic about how cool San is.

Simon: I sure hope not.

Yeah, me too, keeping up with counters is a bitch.

All the while, Alex could only stare in total bewilderment at the Princess Mononoke’s incredible maneuverability. “How the heck can she move like that?” he asked himself, thinking about all the gold medals she would probably win if she ever entered a gymnastics competition.

Pfft. You do know what’s required in gymnastics, don’t you, Stone-Man85? San hopping across buildings that are probably built closely together wouldn’t even get her a bronze.

“She’s heading towards the iron works!” a man shouted, gesturing towards the large pyramid-shaped building.

“If we use the western alleys, and move quick enough,” the riflemen suggested, “…we might be able to cut her off.” He turned to the other men, “One of you, go and inform Captain Gonza about the situation, the rest of you follow me!”

“Yes sir!” they all replied and divided up as their leader had ordered.

Creed: Finally, someone is behaving like they have a head on their shoulders in this situation.

And Stone-Man85 probably didn’t even intend for it to happen, if my correspondences with him indicate anything at all.

Well, that’ll about do it for this week! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! And be sure to bring a pillow to scream into, because next time is really gonna piss you off, I’m sad to say. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Simon Bellamay III and Captain Rexus Creed, I’ll see you next time!

Simon: …You said next time three times.

I know. AR’s gonna kill me.

Creed: Like you haven’t died here before.

Oh, I didn’t say that!

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15 Comments on “1348: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Eleven, Part Three”

  1. Swenia says:

    *Draws her saber*

    My sword is a mass-fabricated job they give to the infantry officers as part of their dress uniform for parades and the like. It’s high-carbon steel so you could technically use it in combat. If you were insane enough to bring it with you.

    I got it off the body of some Nazi lieutenant early on in the fighting, who, as it turns out, was insane enough to bring it with him. Didn’t really do him much good against the bullet.

    I was young and stupid, so I thought it’d make a cool trophy. Now I keep it in the umbrella stand because I don’t actually own an umbrella.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    Only instead of hitting, he was able to use his right arm in a strange move and blocked it.

    For those wondering what that strange move is, I have this picture of it:

  3. TacoMagic says:

    or grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her forward away from him.

    Homework assignment! Everyone find an object. Any will do. Now, pull it away from yourself. Forwards.

    • Syl says:

      Challenge accepted.

      [travels to previous time in an alternate dimension and finds a past version of herself lounging topless on a tropical beach drinking tequila]

      I’ll take that.

      [grabs bottle]

      Past! Syl: Back off, bitch!

      [a brief skirmish ensues]

      [Syl, sporting several fresh puncture wounds, returns to the Library with the bottle]

      That could have gone better.

      • SC says:

        Contacts: If I try and tangle with my evil (in name only because he’s actually a very upstanding individual) twin Aviator Shades, I’m apt to get my ass beat. And then arrested. And then prosecuted. So no thanks.

    • SC says:

      Strangely, I know what he meant. What he was trying to describe was that stunt in action movies, when someone takes a swing at you, and you grab their arm, then sidestep around them and toss them back on their face.

      But as you can see, it’s not the easiest thing to describe. And fight scenes are to Stone-Man85 what clothing descriptions are to me (the bane of my existence), so the results are fairly predictable.

  4. "Lyle" says:

    slashing wildly at his face and chest in a wild frenzy.

    *looks toward the silent alarm* Wow, we really must have depleted their numbers lately. Either that or they’re on vacation.

  5. "Lyle" says:

    Unfortunately, it put so much focus on me that I ended up becoming a primary character, and the plot of the stories I got trapped in hinged on the survival of the primary character, so I was able to escape with my life from each one until the demon ran out of books and came at me directly.

    Good thing you weren’t trapped in the Song of Ice and Fire books. Primary character or not, your head is destined for a spike.


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