366: Batman Arkham Asylum: The Untold story – Chapters 1, 2, & 3

Title: Batman Arkham Asylum: The Untold story
Author: Jpcthunder
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Batman: Arkham Asylum
Genre: Adventure/Horror
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Good :insert current time of day here: to you, my wonderful Patrons! I’m here today with a delightful little one-shot from the video games section, specifically Batman: Arkham Asylum. While I am not much of a gamer myself, I do have a certain … fondness for the Caped Crusader so I’ve watched a number of walkthrough videos on YouTube. For some reason, even though this fic is called “The Untold story” it is about ninety-five percent straight plot regurgitation. (The remaining five percent is author insertion.)

In fact, there is so much PR that I’m going to skip the usual in-depth summary and just post this video for you to watch. It’s about thirteen minutes long, covers all three chapters, and is about a thousand times better than the fic.

Prepare for massive disappointment as we journey onward to the “Prolouge” – which is also titled “Chapter 1 the escape” for some reason.

Fair warning to Lyle and Addicted Reader – this fic is in the first-person, the grammar is atrocious, and punctuation marks are few and far between. :tightens chinstrap of headdesking helmet:

I was patrolling the city as usual

Of course you were, nameless person. Doesn’t everyone do that thing you just said?

when my ratio clicked to life

Ahhh! A reanimated mathematical concept!

:THWACK!:

Sorry, I’ve never been comfortable around zombie arithmetic.

and I heard the police dispatcher “Joker has been apprehended and batman is now en route to archam island then I saw the batmobele turning in the narrow roads

:sigh:

Not only did the author manage to misspell the name of the island – which is spelled correctly in the fic title! – but he even managed to mangle “Batmobile”. Oddly enough, the polysyllabic words “apprehended” and “dispatcher” are correct.

  I jumped down just in time

And cue the author insertion character. The author doesn’t get around to revealing anything about this Stu; what his powers are, what he looks like, nothing. There’s not even a hint of his gender until the third chapter.

and landed on the car the cockpit opened and I jumped in the passenger’s seat

Judging by the flame trail in the video, the Batmobile is going pretty fast. It’s also heavily armored and is essentially a very fast tank. Even if this character managed the split-second timing required to hit an object going at that speed, he would likely splatter like a bug across the windshield.

Even if the dumbass managed to survive the fall, the Batmobile (like most insanely expensive high performance vehicles) is a two-seater; Batman is driving and the Joker is drifting in and out of consciousness in the passenger seat. Where is Super-Stu going to sit?

“How are you doing lightning” batman said in his normal deep voice

I assume the mystery figure is called “lightning” as Batman isn’t known for having the ability to speak to weather phenomena. The author’s failure to capitalize any proper nouns makes it hard to tell, though.

“Alright what did the freak do this time?”

“Invaded city hall and held the mayor hostage”

“Knew it was sumthin like that”

Our most observant Patrons may notice that Batman’s grammar and diction are better than lightning’s; this is because most of his dialogue in the fic is lifted directly from the game. In fact, any dialogue that isn’t spoken by the Stu or directed towards him is just poorly transcribed game dialogue.

As we past the sign that said

ARKHAM ASYLUM

So this time the author spells it right? Why didn’t he/she/it go back and change it in the previous paragraph? That’s just plain lazy. And it’s not even right – the sign just says “Arkham” and has a warning about escaping prisoners.

I heard joker say “stand back fool I’ve got a bomb oh yeah right” and then laughing to him

Too bad you don’t still still have that bomb, Mr. J.

Of course, if the audience hasn’t watched the cinematic then they wouldn’t know that the Joker is sitting handcuffed and beaten in the passenger seat (where lightning is supposed to be sitting) and this is just a bit of semi-lucid muttering that alludes to events that occurred before the game began. A casual reader might assume that Batman is driving around in the Batmobile with the Joker and a bomb. (Perhaps they were out cruising for chicks; they both have a thing for bad girls, after all.)

We entered the main gate with no problems and park right outside intensive treatment

:consults Bad Fic checklist:

Random tense shifts – check!

As a fan I am super-pissed that the author is continuing to leave everything in the Formless Void; the scenery as the Batmobile passes through the gates of Arkham and the camera pans up through the skeletal trees to reveal the whole sprawling complex that serves as the backdrop for the game is just stunning and the audience is missing it. The author doesn’t even attempt to describe anything!

the huge metal doors opened with a hiss “move “batman said to joker the guards moved their guns to point at Joker I saw warden sharp at the entrance

Joker spoke “hey sharpey love what you’ve done with the place”

:sigh:

In the game, this is the player’s first glimpse inside Arkham. It’s not a very nice place; the gothic-style mansion is dark, gloomy, and dismal. Through back-story revealed during the game the player learns that the asylum was once the ancestral home of the Arkham family before it was turned into a hospital, but it clearly hasn’t been taken care of. The mix of Stately Manor and Decaying Institution makes it look like something from a steampunk’s wet dream. It’s a depressing place that really helps set the scene and draw the player into the world.

“That’s warden sharp to you” saying this line like it had been rehearsed several times he spoke again “boles”

A guard approached

I think the warden wants to go bowling with you.

Joker spoke up “hey frank-ay hoys the wife and kids ya miss me”

the guard frank boles

Oh, that’s supposed to be Frank Boles! Too bad he doesn’t have any distinguishing characteristics that could help identify him; like perhaps a tattoo on his arm or a chronic drinking problem that causes him to carry a hip flask attached to his belt at all times, for instance.

grabbed joker and said “SHUT IT CLOWN a lot of people here really want to talk to you” he dragged Joker to the patient cart “really” Joker said ” I don’t mind walking not so tight boys you’ll crease the suit”

The “patient cart” is an upright gurney that resembles a furniture dolly, the Joker is strapped to it while under heavy guard. As the author fails to describe any of this it just looks like Boles drags him over to the cart and shows it to him while he spouts nonsense.

“Get that filfty freak out of here”

:checks box on list:

Unattributed dialogue – check!

As the Joker and Boles have been talking, it would be natural to assume that this is Boles’ speaking – in fact, it’s Warden Sharp.

“Warden something’s not right I’m going with him “said batman

“Wait up bats” I said

Just in case you forgot the author insertion was standing around in the Formless Void with everyone else.

“Is Commissioner Gordon here yet?”

Batman asked a random guard

Thanks, Random Guard! Hey, weren’t you in Gears of War?

“Yes sir he’s err waiting for you at patient handover”

“Lightning I really don’t need your help I can handle it”

Translation – “Piss off, moron.”

Yeah I know but I need some practice and I’m bored”

:headdesk:

Gotham City is packed to bursting with criminals of all sorts, many of whom prefer to commit themed crimes and wear brightly colored outfits. There’s plenty to keep this idiot busy.

I really don’t need your help”

I find this very out of character. Batman doesn’t tell you twice; hell, most of the time he doesn’t tell you once.

The audience is treated to more stinking piles of badly written PR; Joker makes a quip about all the cameras and Warden Sharp directs the guards to lock the prisoner up “securely” – as if they were just going to dump him in a corner for a time-out. The narrative gives no hint that the group is moving through spacious hallways during this dialogue, everything continues to take place in the Formless Void. This portion of the game doesn’t really do anything but give a little exposition and help immerse the player in the world, reading just portions of the dialogue without any of the rich visuals is about as satisfying as a eating a steak dinner made out of rice cakes and wallpaper paste.

The party passes through a full body scanner – what the author refers to as a “scan room” – where the alarms are set off by Batman’s gear. Nothing really interesting happens until they get to the elevator, in the game the group arrives just as Killer Croc is getting out but the author has decided to skip over this for some unknown reason.

Once inside the elevator the Joker engages in one of his favorite pastimes; taunting Batman.

We walked in the elevator “great night for a party”

:checks “unattributed dialogue” box again:

This time it’s the Joker, this is the first of numerous references throughout the game to a “party” that he’s having. Given that he’s a sociopathic monster, you can bet that’s not a good thing.

Not where you’re going” batman said “tell me something you’ve never let me catch you this easily before what are you really after”

An official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot, range model air rifle. Oh, and world peace.

“Oh nothing much hundreds dying in pain and fear all there meaningless lives brought to a horrifying conclusion all thanks to you and a book of matches is that the answer you’re looking for”

Congratulations, author. I didn’t think there was a way to utterly ruin Mark Hamill’s flawless performance as the Joker, but you’ve managed it.

This quote would make a lot more sense if the author hadn’t skipped over all of the references to the fire at Blackgate Prison that caused hundreds of prisoners to be relocated to Arkham. (It would seem that dangerously unstable mental patients and criminals are like chocolate and peanut butter – two great tastes that taste great together.)

The lights went out I could hear joker laughing

Minor point – he starts laughing before the lights go out, which I found suspicious the first time I watched it but chalked it up to him being the Joker. Random maniacal laughter is his thing.

The lights came back on batman and I were grabbing him

Ahh! Bad touch! Bad touch!

“What don’t you trust me?”

Dude, have you met you?

The Joker must have a pretty sturdy larynx if he can speak without straining while two people, one of the the frickin’ Batman, are caressing his windpipe.

“No”

“Hey batsey what’s with the new sidekick?”

“I’m his partner”

And what a cute couple they make – Blandy and the Badass.

If the author was going to shackle some useless idiot to Batman, why didn’t he just resurrect Jason Todd as Robin like a hundred other fanfic authors have done? At least then the audience would know what the character looked like.

The elevator door opened we walked I saw the police commissioner

:yawns:

“Hello jim”batman said

“Hi batman who’s this”

If this lightning fellow is a crimefighter in Gotham, shouldn’t Commissioner Gordon know who he is already?

I’m a friend and white lightning that’s my name don’t were it out”

:headdesk:

Bloody hell. What are you, eight?

The guard stopped us “hold it there sorry arkham staff only you might unsettle the more violent inmates”

“He surrendered almost without a fight I don’t like it” batman said

There’s quite a bit of dialogue missing, making this a confused muddle. It’s bad enough that the author is blatantly ripping off the game, but to do it in such a half-assed manner just annoys the hell out of me.

Joker tripped then brutally killed the guards!

Suddenly and from behind!

Joker was free

You just have to send in fourteen box-tops and a dollar for shipping and handling.

“Jim alert the warden” batman said

Tell him to give my regards to Broadway and remember me to Harold Square.

Honey I’m home” Joker said the electric gate me and batman slammed threw the glass

Surrounded by thugs “still think you don’t need my help” I said

Ummm … I’m not really following that, but I’m going to say “Yes, he doesn’t need your help.” He’s the frickin’ Batman, you dumbass.

I will give the author a bit of credit for remaining in the first-person even though the game cuts over to Harley Quinn for a few moments. The fic is bad, but it’s not quite that bad.

Let’s move right on to the second chapter, titled welcome to the madhouse, which is the shortest of the three. It begins with an Author’s Note that I just have to share.

Thanks to Night Monkey’s “wonderful” review, I’ve decided to take some advice.

You’re going to give up writing and take up the glockenspiel?

First I’m going to use better grammar, Of course in his “infinite wisdom” I’m supposed to toss my new oc

Oh, the deliciously unintentional irony.

.Well I can tell him this, White Lighting is going to be better than ever.

I don’t see that happening, not unless you are going to send everyone in the audience a quart of real white lightning to drink while they read this thing.

Hmmm, that sounds like a good idea. I think I’ve got a few jars in the closet here … Yep! Gods bless my hillbilly cousins and their utter disdain for federal statutes.

“Welcome to the madhouse batman, “Joker said “oh your welcome too you annoying brat”

It looks like the author is going to skip the Joker’s reveal that he deliberately allowed himself to get caught in order to lure Batman into Arkham. It’s not like that’s important to the plot or anything, we’d much rather have some poorly written banter between the Stu and the villain.

“I am going to enjoy throwing you in a padded cell clown, “I remarked

“Well well well aren’t you the feisty one let’s get this party started”

How … witty. (Well, it’s a word that rhymes with “witty”.)

At that moment the electric gates containing the inmates shut off.

That kind of makes it sound like the gates were made out of inmates.

“Hey kid your gonna catch a beatdown”one of the inmates said while pounding his fist into his hand

Please tell me the author is not going to attempt to describe the first fight sequence from the game.

“Do you want to bats or should I” I asked batman he nodded

:takes drink:

I jumped into the air graded a convicts neck while upside-down twisted his neck just enough not to kill him.

:headdesk:

Flipped back up and threw him into two more.

Make it stop.

Another convict threw a punch I ducked Batman came in with throwing a Batarang into his face.

:winces: Ouch. So much for Batman’s “no killing” policy.

“Hey”, I said “He was mine”

“Oh boo hoo he was yours, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha”Joker

I’m actually siding with the murderous psychopath this time. Lightning needs to grow a pair.

Having reached the end of the chapter – yes, really – let’s top this failure sundae off with a cherry. The final chapter is titled simply “WHAT” which is a word that has been constantly flowing through my head since I started reading this fic. Despite the author’s earlier promise of improvement, things just get progressively worse.

Hello my adoring fans it is 1:43 in the morning. I am tired as croc after feeding on batman.

I assume that’s an Author’s Note even though it is not indicated as such; it would make a bit more sense if the author hadn’t removed Killer Croc and his ominous threat to dine upon Batman’s bones from the narration.

We had finished off the rest of the thugs and looked at the monitors. “Batman, kid” it was the commissioner “kid has a name ‘comish.'”

Asshole.

“Whatever kid” I never was one for cops. “Batman, Joker’s in control of the security gates he’s locked me and the guards in.”

:checks “unattributed dialogue” box yet again:

If lightning as the guards that have suddenly appeared from the SDQF are locked out of the Asylum, how was he able to … do whatever it was he did to those inmates?

“How the hell did Joker do this.” Pointing at the dead guard and doctor.

Because he’s a psychotic sociopath who has no trouble killing people. Shouldn’t you, a crimefighter in Gotham and Batman’s supposed partner, already be aware of that?

“Control your temper lightning “Batman said.

Just tazer his ass into unconsciousness and save yourself (and the audience) a big headache.

“Control my temper what the hell are you talking about Bats!” My voice now at full volume.

:raises jar in a toast:

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

“Encase you haven’t noticed” Pointing at the dead body’s again. “This is happening“

:gasp!: The Joker, an infamous criminal mastermind who is equal parts brilliant and crazy, committed a crime? What has this world come to?

“God Batsy hit the mute button on this boy.” Said an annoying voice from another monitor

:headdesk:

This is the second time I’ve found myself agreeing with the Joker. Here’s a free bit of advice, author – when the psycho with the clown complex becomes the voice of reason, you are doing something seriously wrong.

“Joker” Batman, Gordon, and I harmonized the clown was on the other screen.

It’s the world’s strangest barbershop quartet!

“YOU SHITHEAD I SWEAR TO GOD AS SOON AS I FIND YOU YOU’LL BE IN A PADDED CELL FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERIBLE LIFE” I went off the edge.

Can I borrow this for a second, Lyle? Much obliged, ma’am.

:BZZZT!: 

Use your inside voice, dipshit! It’s not like the Joker has never had anyone threaten him with life imprisonment before.

“Joker” Batman said “if you think I’ll let you run-“

For mayor? In a decathlon? What?

“Oh blah blah always with the hero speak, oh I’m getting bored of watching you two gents in tights so why don’t you come find me.”

I dunno, I could stand to watch Batman for a little longer. It beats reading this fic.

The electric gates clicked off with a flash.

“You know it’s a trap.” Gordon said

That’s no moon!

Oops, wrong source material.

“Of course it is” Batman exclaimed

“WHAT”I said.

Of course it’s a trap, you idiot; the Joker flat-out calls it one when he escapes. Too bad the author skipped over that part to add in that “witty” banter.

I’m glad this fic is so short; the characters are wooden, the setting is nonexistent, and the Stu is an unlikable moron. I wish him nothing but bad things.

See you next time, Patrons!

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