161: Jamy Lin and the killers – Chapters Six and Seven

Title: Jamy Lin and the killers
Author: Mrs-Fanfiction
Media: Movie
Topic: A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th Crossover (though technically there are many other movies used)
Genre: Horror
URL: Jamy Lin and the killers
Critiqued by The Psychic Librarian

Welcome readers! If you have been reading our blog since Halloween, you will know that I did a two-day special for the occasion. The fanfic was “Jamy Lin and the killers”, a mess about a “fore” year old named Jamy Lin who is the daughter of the Devil, otherwise know as “Satin” to the author. For reasons that are entirely mysterious, Satin has decided to summon a bunch of serial killers from horror movies to take care of his child. The killers are Jason Vorhees from Friday the 13th, Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street, Michael Myers from Halloween, Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs, and a nonentity from The Grudge. The author never realizes that The Grudge is about a curse that is killing people through manifestations, not an actual person. Jamy Lin is supposed to end the world or something, we’re never really given a definite answer on that. She has a stepmother whom she calls a whore because she is a “striper.” She also has a stepsister that she hates. After arguing over who gets to drive the Barbie Hot Wheels, Jamy Lin beats up her sister and then runs away. She meets up with her friend Elexis in a park. Elexis, who is also “fore”, is the probably the only preschooler in history who has gone goth. Jamy Lin’s stepmother finds them at the park and smacks Jamy Lin upside the face. Then she realizes that not only has she mistaken someone else for Jamy Lin, but she’s mistaken two Asian children for Jamy Lin.  After the stepmother has been knocked flat by the parents of the children, a cop shows up and does a whole lot of nothing. Jamy Lin and Elexis stick Sharpies under the unconscious stepmother’s nose while somehow not being seen by the cop, and then tells the cop that the stepmother is high. The children then somehow steal a cop car despite the fact that they can’t even reach the pedals or see over the steering wheel. They also drag the stepmother along and when they are being chased by the cops, they push her out of the speeding car to distract the cops. The story ends with the two four-year-olds, who are somehow now five, parking along side of the road while listening to “The Music of the Night” from The Phantom of the Opera. They settle in for the night while planning to travel to Camp Crystal Lake of Friday the 13th fame.

Phew, so much awfulness to summarize. If you wish to get the full dosage, here is the first part and this is the second. For reasons I will never understand, more chapters of “Jamy Lin and the killers” have been written. This was my initial response. The author has changed pen names from Killing Crusem’s Paige to Mrs-Fanfiction and appears to have gotten a beta reader. Not a good beta reader, but competent enough to decrease the spelling errors some. I would like to warn everyone who is reading this that the following story contains a ton of profanity and some fairly disturbing scenes. The horrible nature of this story was disturbing to begin with, but Mrs-Fanfiction has upped the ante a bit. We resume our story with the killers at the exact moment that “The door opened and a figure came out.” The killers seem to suspect this figure is sent by the Devil to trick them. We have no idea why the Devil would want to trick them since the primary purpose of the killers is to get to Camp Crystal Lake and protect Jamy Lin. I think perhaps the author forgot what she was writing about. Without further ado, I give you two more chapters of “Jamy Lin and the killers.” Prepare yourself for the horror.

Ch.6 PUT THE LOTION ON THE SKIN

Jason was prepared to run at any moment. He knew who would come out the door… but then he began to think, witch was unusiol for him…

I get the impression it’s “unusiol” for Mrs-Fanfiction too. Is the “witch” a Freudian slip? Witches always struck me as being able to spell. Mrs-Fanfiction isn’t a witch, she’s you.

 If the devil knew he knew this than why would the devil do it again. Jason realized this was another trap. Jason gripped his machete tightly waiting for what will happen next. Suddenly the ground beneath them fell and their where in a hole.

“O GREAT WE HAVE VISITORS!” A voice yelled.

Disembodied voices are awesome. They make the best ventriloquists. I love that not only do we never get an identification of whose voice this is, but it’s “we” so there are multiple unidentified people. That completely eliminates a logical guess as to whose voice it is based on the rest of the story.

“YOU FUCK TARD LET US GO” Freddy yelled. He is pissed. First he is told he has to watch some snot noes kids, then he finds out he has to watch some snot noise kids WITH people he hates, then this shit happens! Who ever the fuck it is will die.

I’m not sure which is worse, the “snot noes kids” or the “snot noise kids.” The snot noise is very repulsive sounding so I’ll go with that. I just love how this author can’t pick a tense. It’s a guessing game of when things happen which, while slightly amusing, completely messes with cause and effect. Who doesn’t love that? That was rhetorical and sarcastic, please don’t form a mob and I would love it if you put down the putrid vegetables.

“NO” The voice says and then a basket with lotion comes down. “IT PUT THE LOSTION ON THE SKIN OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN” Hannibal knew who this is. Buffalo Bill. He growled, he hates Buffalo Bill.

First of all, what is Lostion? It sounds like Chemistry to me. Hey, look, a spare proton!  Now I have equal numbers of protons and electrons, but shoot, that means I lost my ion. I better look in the lost and found electron box to see if there are spares. [Addicted Reader helped me with the phrasing of this joke because it was a tad incomprehensible when I wrote it. I thank her. Don’t you love it when we talk nerdy to you?] Secondly, Hannibal doesn’t hate Buffalo Bill. He sees him as sloppy, perhaps, but he doesn’t hate him. Last but not least, Buffalo Bill only likes ladies’ skin. What’s the point of making a skin dress to prance around in if you are using, for example, David Beckham’s skin? I mean, we all know how much he has after that underwear commercial  and it looks like the ideal amount, but Buffalo Bill likes a more feminine quality to his flayed skin.

The grudge Will not let some sick pervert see her put lotion on her skin.

The Grudge doesn’t have skin! It’s a freaking curse, you can’t put lotion on a curse! Well, maybe on boils from a Biblical style plague. That’s kind of a curse. I’m not sure who Will is but I doubt he wants to see her nonexistent skin.

So she crawled up the freaking walls of the hole and glared at Buffalo Bill and threw the lotion at his head. She then made the weird noises and attacked Buffalo bill.

That’ll teach him. Kidnapping people, or curses in the case of the Grudge, only leads to projectile lotion. I like how vague “the weird noises” is. I would like to think the weird noises sound like this.

Freddy and the others didn’t see what was happing but at the end of it buff low Bill won they thought. The lotion was brought back down to them and they rubbed it on their skin.

Ok author, you can’t even stay consistent with the word buffalo? Yet you want to write about Buffalo Bill.

“OW! THIS SHIT BURNS!” Freddy screamed because he has burnt skin so it burned from the dryness.

He should have used Gold Bond Medicated lotion.

“THISS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR DREAMS! I WILL CHOP OF YOUR DICK AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS SO FAR THAT IT WILL COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH” Freddy screamed and really had tears because if the burning. Freddy swore in his mined that if any one ever told any one about this than he would kill them in the worst possible way.

Once more we can admire the beautiful prose that is spewed from Freddy’s mouth. I wonder what kind of mining he does. Apparently Freddy also cries. This fic is so far from canon on all of these characters.

The grudge almost made her creepy sound.

Again with the vague noise reference. If you have seen the movie, you know that the manifestations makes two sounds. There is the sound which makes you think of a really creaky door opening slowly and then there is the meowing noise the little boy manifestation makes. So we could assume that the author means these noises. It’s just too much work to actually describe any of the noises apparently. So the reader is treated to the opportunity to continue to think of the weird talking cat from the link above.

 THIS WAS SO EASY! All she had to do was kill buffalo bill and record some of his words, but the easy part was that she didn’t ever have to record, that fucker already recorded him self so much this was just so easy. Then she seen that Freddy has stopped putting lotion on his skin so she pressed play on the recorder. “IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE SKIN OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAN”

Plot twist! Boo yah Buffalo Bill, you lose to a nonexistent thing. It seems a little challenging to record him after he’s dead though. I am referring to the order of “kill buffalo bill and record some of his words.” The author fixed it with a total cop out but couldn’t be bothered to correct it. I would like to point out that Buffalo Bill said to put the “LOSTION” on the skin or it gets the hose “AGAIN” above. How the Grudge changed those words to “LOTION” and “AGAN” is a puzzle. Why is the word “that” in bold? There are so many burning questions. Actually, I lied there. The questions are kind of more apathy-inducing.

Freddy ignored it. Suddenly a plastic hose came down and it started to beat Freddy with it.

Wait, who beats Freddy with the hose? That it is just hanging out there with the hose. You have to be careful with stray its. One minute the it is just hanging around and the next moment you have Tim Curry dressed as a clown. No one wants that.

Hannibal laughed seeing Freddy hit with a rubber hose was hilarious! Freddy tried to swing his claw at it but he couldn’t hit it. Soon he became frustrated and started to swing every where.

So even though Freddy Krueger is a brutal killer who dispatches teenagers left and right, he isn’t able to do something any cat can. It doesn’t even need to be  a smart cat.

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME! -swing- I WONT PUT THE LOTION ON MY SKIN -is hit by the hose- YOU MOTHER FUCKER -swings and misses and is hit by the hose-” Freddy yelled.

That’s a pretty funky speech Freddy. Although giving descriptions of what is happening in between shouting is becoming fashionable, according to fanfics anyway.

“I want you to put on this dress and model it for me” The recorder said. The grudge almost fell back laughing! Holy shit this stuff is comical and its on Video!

So now she is somehow operating a video camera. She also has a sense of humor. The curse that was caused by a murder-suicide and which kills everyone it comes into contact with has a sense of humor. This author can’t possibly have seen the movie.

Freddy was horror fide and put on the dress that was sent down and started to model it. Jason just wished that he has a camera and his body jerked occoredly from his silent laughter.

“Shut up you retard” Freddy said while he was prancing round in the dress.

So now Freddy is a cross-dressing dancer. I think I need to go put my head between my knees for awhile. It is painful to see characters so completely messed up. If I could sit down with Mrs-Fanfiction, we would have a very long movie marathon in which I would explain everything that happens to her. I’m a little bit afraid it wouldn’t help.

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Ch.7 SHORTEST CHAPTER EVER!

I want a binding contract promising that.

Sorry I haven’t updated in a while, but I was out of ideas.

You mean you had ideas at some point? Good God.

 Now, on to bigger things. You have to go on to my favorite authors and read Katherine Jason Destler story’s, I promise you that their grammar correct and their way better than my story’s. And beg her to update them faster, good story’s like hers should be updated. Remember, I know Jamy Lin and Elexis is spelled wrong but that is how my sisters named and its how I will wright it.

You just go ahead and “wright” those names like your sisters’ names are spelled. Or maybe it’s two names for one sister. If she had just taken the incorrect apostrophe out of “story’s” and put it into “sisters” we would know for sure. It would either be sister’s or sisters’ and all would be clear. This is why we love punctuation. By the way, you haven’t mentioned either of those characters in these chapters. I’m not sure why you are defending the spelling at this particular moment.

If I have made any more spelling errors please tell me, I have been trying to correct them.

If only that was all this needed. Really, it needs to be killed with fire. I’m sorry to have to inform you of this Mrs-Fanfiction, but you really haven’t made much of a difference on the spelling problems. I applaud that you noticed them and made an effort though.

And I don not own any one but Jamy Lin, Elexis, Vicky, Ricky, The cop, and the metion of Delaina are my only characters I own

Chapter 7

Ch. 7

Thank you to someone, and I promise all of your questions will be answered in the future chapters but one Jamey Lin can answer wright now.

Thank you someone!! We are so grateful to you wright now.

You are my first revue and I wouldn’t of updated this soon if it wasn’t because of you. Thank you! and sorry its short, but I had to get this part done, it was causing me righters block

Let’s find that someone and give them….cookies. Yea, sharp and painful cookies.

Jamey Lin: I know what a whore is because I got the one hundred cuss word definition for Christmas, I don’t know where I got it but It just showed up! Do you know what happened?

Me: -whises- No clue -Coulf- the devil -coulgh- -starts whistling again-

What the hell? What is the author doing in the story suddenly? Or is this supposed to be her talking to her sister in real life? The idea that Jamy Lin is based off of her sister is endlessly disturbing to me. She also misspelled Jamy Lin by spelling it Jamey Lin. *Head desk* We just spent that time reading about why you spell it Jamy just to have you spell it differently. It would also seem Mrs-Fanfiction has Ls in her cough. She should have that checked out.

Hannibal took some pictures. Damn Freddy will kill him he thought. But he really didn’t care as long as he gets some leverage on Freddy. Some thing didn’t feel wright all of a sudden. He smelt the Air. Defiantly not wright. Then- BAM! A body fell, the body of Buffalo Bill.

The air was defiantly not “wright.” I was unaware that air could be defiant. It’s probably teenager air.

“ITS RAINING BODY! YOU FUCKER ITS ALL YOUR FAULT HANNIBAL” Freddy screamed and again, the others agreed with him.

Everything is Hannibal’s fault again. The real Hannibal would have ripped your face off by now.

“BUT!-” Hannibal screamed back but was cut off by disapproving stares. He hated when they do this He wined in his mind. Its not fair!

Hannibal doesn’t “wine.” Then again, he does like a nice Chianti.

Suddenly the grudge was through down to. The air became silent as the killers approached the other killer. They where near her face… and Freddy touched her breast to make sure if she was alive or not.

Stop molesting the nonexistent woman Freddy.

“Fuck she isnt breathing! WHAT IN THE HELL DO WE DO YOU RETARD LOVING PEACE OF SHITS!” Freddy yelled out and is groping the Grudge. This is my method of coping He said in his mind.

I’m all for world peace, but not that kind. Just in case we forgot, since the author sure has, the Grudge was never alive! Even the characters that started the curse in the movie The Grudge are dead. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that she is dead. Freddy is dead too. I wonder if it counts as necrophilia if one dead person feels up another dead person. Or feels up a dead concept. I think I just icked myself out.

“YOU SICK FUCK SHE IS DEAD AND YOUR MOLESTING HER! YOUR NOT YOUR REMAKE” Hannibal screamed and started to eat buffalo bill and Freddy ripped off the grudges shirt.

What does “YOUR NOT YOUR REMAKE” mean? I can’t even begin to figure that out. What Freddy is doing is also so much more messed up than Hannibal munching on Buffalo Bill. Hannibal is totally reasonable in his judgement of Freddy.

“THERE ALL SINING JASON! KILL THEM FOR ME” Jason’s mother screamed in his head “Kiki Ma” Jason said and the room didn’t notes, all but Michael and he tried climbing the walls.

Trignometry must die! No more sine! Michael appears to be imitating a spider and Jason is speaking gibberish to the voice in his head. Sounds normal for a Tuesday.

“NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM“ Hannibal said when he was eating then a mashie came near his food Jason picked up his mashie and tried to bring it down on Hannibal but he moved and almost hit Freddy.

I am interpreting “mashie” as machete. Mashie does sound so much cuter though. Why Mrs-Fanfiction could spell machete in the beginning of the last chapter but can’t now is a mystery. Maybe she just wanted to be cutsie all of the sudden and that’s why Hannibal is making nom noises. That sounds completely plausible with this author.

 Freddy hisses and pulled off the grudges pants. Jason was still chasing Hannibal who was eating Buffalo Bill on the run when a portal came and…

Hannibal is redefining fast food. Please pardon the awfulness of that joke. If you remember from The Silence of the Lambs, there isn’t very much room in that pit. I’m not sure how most of this is happening in that small of a space. I like the cliffhanger ending though. I bet you are sitting there wondering where that portal goes or what will come out of it. My guess is that you will never know because Mrs-Fanfiction will have forgotten she introduced it by the time she updates again. Oh yes, you know there will be more updates. I will bring them to you. I will take that bullet. I may also start a pool as to who will show up next.  I am probably going to pick a random horror movie villain that can be extremely misconstrued.

I love the sudden chaos of that final part of this fanfic. It’s like the author gave up and said “Everybody panic!!” Can’t you see how having them all run willy-nilly around in a pit furthers the plot development? If you can, explain it to me would you? It’s definitely very appropriate for the end of this fanfic. It has been full of inaccuracy and confusion. To be quiet honest, I love Mrs-Fanfiction. She keeps me guessing because she is so erratic. That’s not generally what I look for in an author but as a Librarian in the Library of the Damned, it is perfect.

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