108: Larry’s Ture Lover – One Shot

Title: Larry’s Ture Lover
Author: strong man
Media: Television
Topic: Spongebob Squarepants
Genre: Drama / Romance
URL: Larry’s Ture Lover
Critiqued by The Psychic Librarian

Spongebob Squarepants is one of my favorite kids’ shows because it has such wacky and absurd humor. There are many things in the series that may be completely missed by children but are hilarious or dirty or hilariously dirty to adults. For instance, it takes place in Bikini Bottom and there is a character named Mr. Crabs. “Larry’s Ture Love” is about two minor characters, Larry the Lifegaurd (occasionally spelled Lerry by the author) and Craig Mammalton. Larry the Lifeguard is an extremely buff lobster and the envy of all not-so-muscular marine crustaceans. Craig Mammalton is an extremely tan seal based off of the actor George Hamilton who is known for his ridiculously tanned hide. The author of this fanfic seems to think that Larry and Craig would make a really cute couple so he wrote a story, well more of a script, about them getting together for some very vague gay sex. Fear not readers, this story completely fails to be sexual. It is, however, a hilarious attempt to be. Blow up your water wings everyone, we’re going for a very weird swim.

I Miss Craig Mammalton so much,so I decided to bring him back

Pairing:Craig MammaltonxLerry

I don’t like the other pairings

What other pairings did you have in mind author? I really like to put apples and pears with brie, you might like that pairing.

Genes:K-M

Funny, I don’t remember genomic sequences containing K or M, or K through M.

If you don’t like gay pairings then go away

There are other things to dislike in this. I say whether you like gay pairings or not, you should be able to find something you don’t like. I would also point out to the author that this caveat is not a great way to get people to read what you’ve written.

It was a wonderfull day at Goo lagoon,Everyone was having fun playing in the water

Larry was on the lookout for any drowning

Fish 1:Help

The fish ran to the Lifegard

Larry:May I help you?

Fish 1:Someones drowning

Larry:WHAT

If he’s on the look out for anyone drowning then he’s not doing a very good job. Fish 1 had to come tell him.

Larry ran and then jumped into the water,he saw the fish

Larry began to swim to him

Once he got to his,he held him in his arms and pulled him from the water

Larry:I need you all to stand back

Everyone stood back

They’ve got following instructions down, that’s a good first step.

Larry bent down and listened to his heartbeat,but he was breathing

Larry:Okey that didn’t work,I’ll try it

Oh, so Larry is really a Deathguard. He’s there to make sure the drowning fish actually dies. Well shoot, he’s still breathing so I guess he better try harder.

Larry placed his mouth on the fish’s mouth

Suffocation by mouth to mouth. It’s an interesting twist to the usual use for that method.

Everyone wad grossed out and left the beach

Larry pulled away and saw that it wasn’t,it was a seal

It wasn’t? It ceased to be? I guess being a seal is a state of non-being. Someone should let the rest of the seals know. I also wonder how Larry missed the fact that it was a seal to begin with. That would seem pretty obvious.

The seal started to wake up but he was dizzy

It’s logical that he’s dizzy, he just almost suffocated from mouth to mouth.

Craig Mammalton:Where am I?

Larry:Your at go lago

We’ve lost an o and an n from the word lagoon. Maybe Larry left them out in the water.

Larry:Here let me give you a hand

Larry pulled out his claw and Craig took it

I have this image of him pulling his claw out of his body and offering it with butter.

Lerry pilled his up from the ground

Remember kids, just say no to lifegaurd lobsters with pills. Actually, you may have already taken the pills in that case.

Craig Mammalton:Thank you

Larry:It’s what I do

Larry looked at Craig’s Beautiful eyes

I imagine Craig’s eyes look like this. They are beautiful, aren’t they?

Larry:My name is Larry,what’s yours

I think the question mark is out in the water with that o and n. Where’s a lifeguard when you need one? Oh yeah, hitting on the seal on the shore.

Craig Mammalton:My name is Craig Mammalton but everyone calls my Craig

As opposed to…Crai? Rai? Ai? Homey G Funk?

Larry:Okey uh Craig ,If you wanna come over,he’s my card

No, not uh Craig, just Craig. Or possibly Homey G Funk. I wonder where Larry keeps those cards. I can only conclude they are in his swim trunks with his lobster bits.

The card read:

457 Life Drive

That’s irony for you. Larry tries to kill drowning people but he lives on Life Drive. There must not have been a place on Suffocating Drive.

Craig took the card

Craig:Thanks

Larry saw that it was getting late

Lerry:I better get home

Craig:Please take me with you

Wow, a little forward?

Larry:Huh

What a reaction. I can come up with several more reasonable, and just as easy to write, reactions to that. The first would be “What?!” Then of course there is a concerned “Wait a second….” and finally there is “Boy Howdy!” assuming Larry is a little promiscuous.

Craig:Pleace,I live in the water and it’s cold down there

You ALL live in the water! The show is under water!

Larry thought about it

Larry:Well,okey

Craig:Can you drive me,I can’t drive

The seal can’t drive but the crustacean can. I think it’s the difference between claws and flippers.

Larry:Sure

Larry put his claw around Craig’s neck and they walked to his car

Wouldn’t that be more of a threat than a come on?

Once they got into the car Craig said “You got a nice car

Larry:Thanks

And the seats go all the way back, baby!

Larry got into the driving seat and Craig in the other seat

The seat is driving now?

Larry started the car and they drove off

They drove by a Pineapple,they saw Spongebob and Patrick

Spongebob and Patrick decide that Larry must be kidnapping Craig since they just drove by and waved in a friendly manner. They decide to take action.

Spongebob:This looks like a job for Mermaid Man

Patrick:And Barnacle Boy

Superhero music in the background

This is like a very poorly-done closed captioning job.

They were running to Spongbob’s house,went in and into the secret passageway to the underground cave

While they were siding down the pole,they quickly changed into their costumes

That is talent. They are changing into their costumes while still on the pole. I’ve heard of people taking it off on a pole.

Spongebob:Come Barnacle boy,we must stop Larry before he grabs someone else

Patrick:Right Marmaid man

Why bother spelling Mermaid right twice? It would just be wasted effort.

They jumped into their car,started the car and they were off

That’s good, they wouldn’t have gotten very far if they hadn’t started the car.

Larry and Craig were driving and Larry’s house was just around the corner

When they came to the house,they went to a stop

Also a good step since that was where they were going. They could have kept driving and gone through the front of the house but that would have probably ruined their sexy sexy evening.

They got out of the car,while walking they were talking

Larry:You gonna love my house,it’s got everything

Craig:Even a hot tube?

Ok, I can’t imagine a worse mistake for a gay fanfiction.

Larry:Sure

They then went inside the house

We are missing things like how many steps they took! Come on author, put a little more effort into the details. Did they open the door or just walk right into it?

Spongebob and Patrick drove up,they saw Larrys car

Spongebob:Blast,we are too late,he said sounding like a man

Sponges usually sound girly so I’m glad that got cleared up.

Patrick:We could try the window

Spongebob:Good idea, Barnacle boy

They snuck by a window and listened

Larry:Craig,would you like some food?

Craig nodded

Larry opened the refrigerator and grabed some spaghetti

He closed the refrigerator door abd he grabed two plates

Craig was already sitting down,Larry was busy heating up the spaghetti in the microwave,he put it for 1 minute

At this point, the author decided to insert a copy of the entire first part of the story. I have cut all of the repetition out for the sake of our sanity.

While it was cooking Larry sat down and talked to Craig

Larry:So..Craig tell me about yourself

Larry put his claws on his chin

Aww, he’s being all thoughtful and caring. Seals just love a lobster that listens.

Craig:We,I live in the Pacific Ocean

Larry:Why

Craig:I never knew why,I always wonderd

Larry:I’m so sorry,I didn’t know

Craig:it’s okey

I think I just heard a few of my brain cells scream as they died.

Larry:If you want you can stay with me

Craig:Really,that would be great

It’s their first almost-date-mostly-hook-up and they are already moving in together. I wonder if Larry realizes that Craig will need to breathe oxygen a lot.

Larry and Craig smiled,they looked deep into their eyes,leaned over the table and kissed

But just then the microwave went off

OH THE SEXUAL TENSION. You could cut it with…well actually you wouldn’t need to cut it. It’s kind of in shreds already.

Larry:I’ll be right back

Larry got out of his chair

Craig:But we were just about to kiss,he said to himself

Larry: opened the microwave and got the spaghetti out

They really are perfect together. They both say out loud what they are thinking and doing.

Larry pleaced it on the table

Larry and Craig both ate

I thought they were going to just throw the spaghetti around the room for awhile.

When they were down,Craig yawned

Craig:Where to I sleep

Larry:You can sleep with me,follow me

Craig blushed at that

Larry went upstairs with Craig following him

Cue the sleazy music.

Outside

Spongebob:Larry somehow takeing Craig upstairs to tie him up,We need to find a way inside but quiet

Oh Spongebob, you’re so stupid and paranoid. No really, it’s endearing.

Patrick broke the window with a pipe he found

Spongebob:Patrick,we need to be quiet

Patrick:Okey

I think you blew the quiet thing when Patrick busted out a window with a pipe. Unless it was a really quiet pipe.

They both went inside the window and sarched around for clues

Larry comes downstairs so that the author can build some nonexistent suspense about whether Spongebob and Patrick will get caught. They don’t which I would imagine you guessed. Now back to the continued sexy times.

Larry went to grab some perfeum then he went back upstairs

Once he got upstiars Craig was in Larry’s room,he was poseing for…

Larry:Craig I got the…,he said while walking into his room

Craig:What’s up Larry,he said in a sexy voice

I’m having trouble typing because the idea of a seal sounding sexy is too giggle worthy. Arf arf.

Larry eyes got wide and his toung hanging out of his mouth

Craig:You like what you see

Larry nodded

Craig walke over to Larry,put his arms around him and kissed him

Larry was deciding to pull away for not cause he liked girls but he didn’t,he closed his eyes,Craig did too

That sentence was entirely too incomprehensible.

They pulled away

Craig took Larry’s claw and pulled him onto the bed,They kissed somemore but this time they let their toung touch and wapped around each other

It’s such a shame that lobsters don’t actually have tongues to wap around.

While Larry was kissing him,he took and claw and rubbed it down Craigs hips

Much like putting a claw around Craig’s neck, I would think this would be more of a threat than anything.

Craig began to pull down Larry’s panties and Craig pulled down his own down

They’re wearing panties? The mind staggers.

They saw themselfs to be very hot

Who else hears the King James Bible when they read that? I mean just in lexicon, not in a I’m-going-to-hell way. Larry and Craig get under the covers and basically nothing happens. Seriously, there is nothing past a moan and getting under the covers. Finally Spongebob and Patrick, apparently after hours of trying to find clues while Larry and Craig fooled around upstairs, give up. They drive off in an invisible boatmobile swearing to get Larry next time which I guess means Craig is not important enough for them to save this time.

This is the longest chaprer I’ve witten,I problley won’t do another story for a long time

More chapters coming up soon

If you don’t like this Pairing then don’t talk to me

There you have it folks. Those two crazy kids might just have a chance. To take a note from the author, if you don’t like this riff then just don’t talk to me. Don’t talk to anyone. THERE WILL BE NO TALKING ANYWHERE!

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