81: Jamy Lin and the killers – Chapters One, Two, and Three

[Due to the holiday, we’re having a special double-header!  Happy Sunday, everyone!  ~Lyle]

Title: Jamy Lin and the killers
Author: Killing Crusem’s Paige
Media:  Movie
Topic:  Nightmare on Elm Street / Friday the 13th
Genre: Drama / Friendship / Cross-Over
URL: Jamy Lin and the killers
Critiqued by The Psychic Librarian

Forgive me if I forgo the usual witty reparté at the introduction to this fiction but there is a very sincere reason I wanted to do this two day special. I love Halloween. I love the imagination of the holiday. Whether it’s scary costumes and haunted houses for those who love to give themselves the willies or little kids dressed as super heroes trooping from house to house to collect enough sugar to power a city with hyperactivity. Even the self righteous get in on the act by protesting it, turning out the lights or handing out apples and pennies rather than candy. It is by far my favorite holiday because for one day out of the year I can be anything I want and so can everyone else.

I knew I had to find a special fan fic for Halloween to entertain our readers. There are many out there but the one that I have picked is entertaining beyond anything I could have imagined. I found “Jamy Lin and the killers.” This story was listed as a crossover between Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street but it is so much more nebulous. The author has an incredible knack for misspelling practically everything, ignoring grammar to perfection and building characters that contradict themselves left and right. Despite the misspellings, some very advanced words are spelled right but used in very strange contexts. I am guessing Spell Check did some damage in this fic by auto correcting some things and not others. That is the only reason I can come up for these words. This is easily one of the most amusingly bad fan fictions I have read. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. Happy Halloween!

Ch. 1 The beginning

The devil walked in his room. He couldn’t take this disobedience in hell any longer. Freddy, Jason, Micheal, Hannibal, and the Grudge has got to go. They have been in too many fights and he has less time to prepare for his daughter to turn evil.

Well boys will be boys. Actually psychos will be psychos. I’m amazed that the devil has ONE room (does he have to clean it for his allowance?) and that he expects hell to be orderly. I definitely don’t remember ever hearing of the devil threatening to turn the car around if the damned don’t stop fighting.

He got an idea, an idea that would solve both problem. He walked into the meting room and soumend the killers. When they appeared he glared at all of them to give them this punishment.

New word of the day is soumend. What does it mean? Discuss.

” You all have caused hell, in hell. You will be pushiness in the worst way. The way we have never punished anyone”, The devil walked around them in circles. He saw Jason gulp. Ha!, he thought, he will be the one who will enjoy this the most.

Damn you for causing hell in hell! Wait a minute, you’re already damned if you’re in hell. One would also think you were already being punished (or pushined if you continue with pushiness). Hell is all about punishment. Unless those accused of simony in Dante’s Inferno like being inserted face first into the ground and having their feet set on fire. Most of us would pass on that experience if we had a choice.

” You will be taking care of a good being, and if that good being is hurt in any way, it is you who will be twice as hurt’, The devil knew he had to explain this. If he didn’t and they harmed her then there goes his world ending plan, and they would be harming his princess, and that is not something that he wants.

That makes perfect sense! The devil’s daughter is really a good being who will eventually end the world but only if a bunch of psycho killers manage to keep her in one piece. The devil really should explain that a bit better. I’m confused if he wants her hurt or not. Freddy objects by asking why he can’t be evil and calling the Devil’s daughter (although he doesn’t know she is the Devil’s daughter) a bitch. The Devil apparently feels threatened by this.

You will be at camp Cristal lake and two children will be there. There parents will leave them and you will take care of them, and If you call anything I tell you to do a bitch again you will be the one who will be treated like one”, The devil hissed. He had to show them who was boss.

It must be easy to forget that Satan is the boss in hell. He really should assert his authority more often.

In Jason’s mind he was happy. He gets to go to his home again and kill teens. But then he remembered the other part of of the punishment. He had to take care of a kid. Jason remembered the kids who made fun of him. He didn’t like kids, and now he has to take care of one. Jason huffed. If the kids made fun of him he would not be responsible for what will happen. ” Jason, my boy. I promos you that the child is not like the others and you must protect them from the evil world” Jason hered his mothers voice again. He loved hearing her voice, but this time it was different. He sighed in defeat and vowed he would not let any thing hurt the kids when he was around.

I always knew Jason was a little slow, but not that slow. His brain is processing information at a rate that rivals Mollasses in January.

Freddy’s thoughts were to inappropriate for words. By Satin did he want to meat this chick.

By Satin? Seriously? Someone really ought to tell the devil that Freddy thinks he’s silky and smooth.

Michaels thoughts where unreadable, so where The Grudges. Hannibal just wanted to eat something and upset that he cant eat the good thing, what ever the hell it is, Hannibal thought. Why cant he be separated form these morons? and now he is stuck with them and some great good kid. He sighed in his head. Maybe the good kid can be at least half way descent so he can have some thing to talk to and not just living with the Adams family of hell, well now he is apart of that family.

We established in an earlier fic that Michael just wants to be loved. The Grudge is not really a being so it makes sense that there is no thought process going on there. Now Hannibal is a genius so why does his thought process resemble a dog’s when it’s looking for table scraps? There are a lot of things missing from this author’s perception of these movies. Now let’s transition to another environment completely that makes even less sense.

Jamy Lin Johnson’s house

Jamy Lin Johnson was a normal fore year-old girl. She liked fun, things music, coloring, exploring. Well for the most part… Jamy Lin liked horror moves and hated whores. Witch was the problem for her because of most of the girls her step dad dated where stripes. She acted like an angle to them, well what they saw as an angle. What they really thought is what makes her weird.

So to sum this up, Jamy Lin is a golf-aged angle who hates whores and has a father that dates stripes. That boggles the mind. Normal is a very interesting word to use when describing that. I have decided that Jamy Lin’s angle degree depends on her father’s golf swing. If I could advise her father I would recommend dating a plaid or two just to shake things up.

She thought things that would make the devil him self run away. She wanted them to die to put it nicely. The other way was describing a searial killers mind. She wanted to kill them in the worst possible way. She sometimes had daydreams about stabbing them with her crayon and making them beg for mercy. She wanted them to scream for all the evil things they do.

I think she would stab them with Burnt Sienna. Mostly because I would love to see this author try to spell Burnt Sienna.

Jamy Lin had those thoughts, but its worse when it comes to her step dads striper girl friend VICKY and their daughter Samantha.

Jamy Lin didn’t know who she hates the worse. Vicky is a ugly whore who has a messed up lip and tries to dress her up with bows and ribens. Vicky once tryed to teach her how to dance like a striper, thats why she ended up with a spanking form dad for Hitting for no reason. From that day on has Vicky had it out for fore year-old Jamy Lin.

Shouldn’t that be Jamy Lin having it out for Vicky? Oh the misdirected malice.

Samantha was a different story. She WANTED to dress and act like Vicky. They where great friends at first Intel Samantha found out that her mother hated Jamy Lin, so she did to. Samantha has tried every thing to get on her nerves. She has pulled her hair, blamed Jamy Lin for things she didn’t do, put sand in her eye, but the worst thing is what will send Jamy Lin off the edge.

Intel Pentium Processor? When the author says Samantha put sand in Jamy’s eye, I can’t help but picture Jamy standing still so that Samantha can pour sand directly into her eye.

“JAMY I WANT TO RIDE IN THE BARBY JEEP TO!”, Screamed Samantha. Jamy Lin’s face turned red in anger when she herd what her step sister called her, Jamy. Jamy Lin hated when people called her that, she was Jamy Lin, not Jamy. Jamy Lin almost punched Samatha but saw dad watching her from the coiner of her eye. Dang, she thought, this is a set up to get me in Trubbile.

Trubbile is right on the outskirts of Meeschef. I feel I should also inform you that Barby is a generic version of Barbie and she sports a five o’clock shadow and a vicious coke addiction. Barby actually stole that Jeep. Jamy Lin and Samantha are now step sisters. That marriage was faster than sex with Hugh Hefner.

“OK SA man, you can”, Jamy Lin said smiling sweetly. Samantha’s face went red. By the look on her face Jamy Lin’s plan worked. Jamy Lin sent a message, I know what your up to. Jamy Lin also got revenge by calling her SA man, that only Vicky, Samantha and her know the meaning of. Slut of a man.

It would seem to me that Slut of a man would be much more cutting if Samantha was actually a man.

” Fine sissy but please be careful Okay”, Samantha said. She and Jany Lin got in the Barbie jeep. Jamy Lin was in the drivers seat so she controlled the radio. Jamy Lin played a song that got on Samantha’s nerves. Samantha looked like she would kill Jamy Lin by the time the ride was half over, an Samantha knew that Jamy Lin done it purposes.

That Jamy Lin done it purposes all the time. Yup. This is some serious shit going down in that Barby/Barbie Jeep. You can totally see the foreshadowing that Jamy Lin is actually the daughter of the devil.

Jamy Lin felt something on her arm, something that broke her skin, that should have gave her pain but didn’t. Jamy Lin seen red when she looked over and saw her sister holding her arm. No, she wasn’t just holding her arm she was biting it.

That’s some tasty golf angle arm.

“YOU DONT MESS WITH THE PRINSECS OF HELL” Jamy Lin screamed out as she done something stupid.

I have no idea what a Prinsecs is but I am scared so bad right now. Especially since “Jamy Lin done something stupid.” That is horrifying. On to the next chapter as we all firmly clutch our airsick bags and red pens with simultaneous urges to be sick and to edit this masterpiece.

Ch.2 Demonic Encounters

Samantha Johnson was scared of her sister for the first time in her life. She isn’t scared of being caught by her dad or even her mom selling her body. Samantha Marten Johnson was scared of her little step sister Jamy Lin Johnson.

I find myself wondering if SA Man is saying her mother sells her mother’s body or SA Man’s body. That’s disturbing.

Her sister threw her on the ground. Samantha knew she went too far this time, she some how knew there was no going back after what she just did. Samantha knew ever since her stepsister yelled the words that sentenced her to this fate, “YOU DONT MESS WITH THE PRINSECS OF HELL”

Biting Jamy Lin apparently has unleashed her inner demon which actually never seemed to be leashed in the first place. I wonder what would have happened if Samantha had ruined Jamy Lin’s favorite protractor. The apocalypse perhaps? I would like to point out that the author has apparently invented a new position for royalty, the prinsecs. We have now seen this twice so it’s official.

Samantha knew some thing was very wrong then, and tried to run but she was frozen by some unknown force. That was when she knew she would die. She always knew in the back of her mind, when the time was wright she would die by the hand of Jamy Lin, but she always ignore it. In tell now. She seen her sisters face. A face that would hounte her. Her instant sisters face was consumed by blackness even thew she was in day light.

It will hounte her even though she is presumably about to be killed. That is scary.

The darkness seemed to be coming out of her eyes and mouth. In a flash a ball flew in the sky and came in her unprepared hand. She smirked, a terrible twisted smirks that said destroy, steal, and kill. Samantha never knew what they stand for Intel now. Jamy Lin would destroy her body, steal her soil and kill her. Samantha didn’t see the fast basketball heading for her face. By the time she seen it she felt it. She felt her bones break in her nose and it was thrown so powerful she could feel her skull. Samantha screamed a bloody scream.

Oh my God she’s going to steal her soil! Samantha composted long and hard for that soil. Somebody stop the madness!! In the following few paragraphs, Jamy Lin decides not to kill Samantha after Samantha pleads for her life. It is then revealed that Jamy Lin’s father knows that Jamy Lin is not his daughter because the devil raped Jamy Lin’s Mom back in the day. There is a flashback to the rape that I am going to skip over because it adds nothing to the story and isn’t vaguely amusing. If you want to read it, I suggest following the link to the original story.

Ch.3 Phone Call

Chapter three brings us back to the killers who have been hanging out during the rest of the character set up.

In Freddy’s thoughts this was bullshit. He thought that he couldn’t last a day with the retard and his pals. There not even evil, just little gay misunderstood babies. Well not the grudge, she is scary even to Freddy and considered something scary. He shudered even thinking about that. She is his nightmare.

The Grudge is still not an entity. The Grudge is a curse, left over fury and tragedy that infects anyone in contact with it.

“You will be sent their in ten minutes, after that you will poof their thing or… not”, The devil said evilly but at the end it was like he had a sick twisted joke. To the Devil it was one of the oldest jokes in the book. And their are really books of them, and he wrote them all. He wondered if one of them would figured it out. When they left he turned around to his wright hand man Jeepers Creepers, and smiled at him.

What the hell is poofing their thing? Can you get more vague for us? On a side note, I think the author is obsessed with the Wright brothers.

“I bet you Fifty five hundred dollars that they cant figure it out” The devil said to Jeepers Creepers. Jeepers Creepers Smiled, he knew Jason Is smart enough to find out what it is. Jeepers Creepers shook hands with the Devil. He has one half of the bets they made, and they said it was impassable to win against the devil, Jeepers Creepers roiled his eyes.

Roiling your eyes sounds really uncomfortable but then Jeepers Creepers doesn’t really seem to be comfortable in any way. Of all of the psychos there, Jeepers Creepers thinks Jason will figure whatever the hell this is out? We still have the genius Hannibal Lecter in play here. We’ve already established that Jason is seriously slow in the mental processing area.

Jeepers Creepers had a long history with the devil. They have been together scene they where in heaven. He was kicked out with the devil and the Devil got it easy. A thousand years on his belly and Jeepers Creepers got a lot more time looking like this. Jeepers Creepers was more handsomer than the devil, but god screwed it up for him. He hated that day when his handsomeness got token away. Satin always got it easy, he always was gods favorite and probably still is. If he hates one thing about The Devil its that he is the favorite.

That Satin is such a bastard. This back story has gotten weirder than I thought it could. Jeepers Creepers is now a fallen angel? I would also like to point out that I seriously doubt that Lucifer is still God’s favorite. The author has not only managed to completely miss the point of most of the movies concerned, they have also totally missed the boat on The Bible.

Hannibal knew something is wrong about this. He had here someone who was given this chance but he cant remember who. All he knew was that something terrible was going to happen to him and hie fellow killers. Hannibal sighed. He would have to warn them. He took out his phone and called every one.

Once again, Hannibal Lecter appears to be mentally handicapped and completely incoherent. Maybe he resorted to eating his own brain at some point. They have cell phones in hell! Who wants to bet most of them have Blue Tooth ear pieces?

“WHAT BITCH” “-heavy breathing-” “-weird sounds-” where what he was greeted with. Hannibal sighed anoyed, it was not best if some one had a phonecall with killers that where cusing and mutes, but he already called them. It was to late to UN do it.

Psycho killers in hell have such poor phone ettiquete. Someone really needs to get them some Emily Post books.

I heard someone got the same choice we did and something happened to him, and it was bad. So what ever it is watch out’ Hannibal said in the phone. He better cut strait to the point, no scene in beating around the bush with these dumb fuckers.

The author has been specific as always. Specific and lacking a dictionary.

” SO THATS WHY YOU CALLED US WHEN WE ONLY HAVE FIVE MORE MINUTES TO FUCKEN PACK FOR CAMP CRYSTILE GAY! YOUR AN IDOT”, Freddy yelled into the phone. Freddy was pissed. Why in the hell did the dumb fucker call when he knew this? Satin he sweared that he was stupider than Hockey puck some times, and he didn’t think that was imposable. Freddy took deep breath and hung up the phone before he crushed it.

It just occurred to me that it must be difficult to hold a phone with those big razor blades sticking out of your hands. For that matter it must be hard to pack a suitcase. Your clothes, even if they are all hideous sweaters, must end up shredded. Wolverine probably has the same problem.

Hannibal sighed when he hured Freddy’s words. This is why he hopes the kid is half way good so he can have a compensation without cussing every five minutes or with mutes. God the kid didn’t know that it would be his saver from this. How pathetic. Putting all your hopes in a kid that hasn’t even went to school yea and better than that the kid id good. Some times Hannibal worried about him self.

I wouldn’t bother worrying about your self, Hannibal. You are clearly safe in the hands of both Satin and the author.

Hannibal heard them hung up. Just great, now when he See’s there is noting they will all blame him, and if there is some thing then they will still hate him, but its not like he cared for those retards. All they are is inmates to him. Some thing that he can dispose of, but they cant be get red of easy, but he could if he tried hard enough.

Jason knew that Hannibal was wright. He knew this trick and thats why he isn’t caring any thing. Jason wasn’t very bright but when it came to hell and their jokes he was an expert. He had many tricks played on him by the devil and one of them he played he is using again and he if finally one step above the devil. HEACK YEA! Jason screamed in his mind. The devil isn’t gonna trick him this time. Jason prayed him self.

You can pray in hell?

Micheal Myers was packing his stuff and had a nagging feeling in his gut and he knew something was wrong. Micheal always listen to his gut, it never let him down. His gut told him to let his sister live, his gut told him to escape the mental home, his gut told him who his sister is and his gut is always wright. Micheal knew it was weird to listing to his gut, but it was his wright and wrong and his gut told him that Hannibal was wright.

Micheal should really see a doctor about his stomach, something seems to be wrong with it.

The grudge knew something was off, but she chose to iron it.

That is so constructive! Just iron your problems. Light starch please.

If it happened it happened and she might get pissed but thats life, and death. They both bite you in the ass when your not looking. The Grudge packed little things like spoons and peanut butter and some food. If any thing The Grudge knew humans liked food and if this human was a boy than he would eat a lot. The grudge watched a teen ager boy eat and it was fantasizing, Intel he burped. It scared the grudge and she hid for weeks in the house.

A terrifying ghost (we’re going with the author’s interpretation here because otherwise this really falls apart) was scared by a burp? What happens if someone sneezes? Does she have to hide under a bed for weeks?

I hope you have enjoyed the story so far, we have much more to go tomorrow when we will actually be celebrating Halloween. I highly recommend not missing the conclusion, as it is hysterical. So far the author has been setting up the characters and plot for us. In the second installment, we are treated to a complete loss of plot coherency which can only send us into giggles as long as we can let go of our urge to correct it. It’s worth it for the laughter.

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