78: Heading Towards the Horizon – Chapters Five and Six

[Hi!  Due to a super special Halloween… special… (I’ve been reading too much horrible fanfiction) I’ll be posting today instead of Lara.  But have no worries!  You’ll see her very soon!  -Lyle]

Title: Heading Towards the Horizon
Author: AngieRosie
Media: Movie
Topic: Pirates of the Caribbean
Genre: None Listed
URL: Heading Towards the Horizon Chapter Five
URL: Heading Towards the Horizon Chapter Six
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello, Library Patrons.  My anger-management councilor tells me I need to lay off the author abuse before I pop a vein.  *fingers the edge of the hard-cover book still in her hands*  So in an attempt to play nicely, I’m going to put this on the table here… *sets book on coffee table* and not touch it for the remainder of this entry.

*takes a deep breath*  Let’s recap!

Previously, on “Heading Towards the Horizon,” we met Jaicee, an over-reacting teenager who thinks she’s a pirate because she spent the first 8 years of her life in the 1700’s before being sent 260 years into the future to save her from Captain Barbossa’s misplaced wrath.  Accompanying Princess Pirate is her mother, Angelica, who has recently started using Spanish words instead of italics to speak with her daughter, with no translation for those of us who are not currently taking Spanish in high school.

Most recently, we’ve watched as Jace tried to kill a 5-year-old without any legal repercussions, talked to her BFF about getting expelled (again) and ate a poptart for dinner.  Let’s see what these next couple chapters have in store for us!

Chapter Five: Fire

Why is it still in first person?  *eyes the book*  No.  Remember what Dr. Zaius said… no violence.

Anyway, Angelica announces that she needs to speak to the neighbors so she leaves Jace to her own devices.  The girl immediately turns on the stereo (even though she shuns all modern technology) and heads to the kitchen to make some lunch.  She’s dancing around like an idiot, singing to her spoon.

I was fairly good at both of them. My voice was comparable to the mermaids, actually.

Of course it is.  Because you’re just so AWESOME!  *hand edges toward the book*

As she’s dancing around like an orangutang, she smells something burning and realizes she should probably pay attention to cooking instead of shaking her groove thang.  The next paragraph is worth posting in its entirety.

I didn’t smell something burning until I got out of my own little world of music. I went over to see that I forgot the most important thing in making mac ‘n cheese. Water. I got a bowl of water and went to pou it over my ruined food, but it bursted into flames.

*starts to finger the cover of the book nonchalantly*

There is just so much wrong with that paragraph, excluding the typos and the word “bursted.”  First off, what sort of door-knob is she to put dry, hard noodles into a pot and turn the heat on?  Secondly, why did she put the noodles in the pot in the first place?

Anyone who has ever made mac’n’cheese from a  box knows that you boil the water first, then add the noodles, allow to boil gently while stirring for 7 – 10 minutes (or until pasta is tender), drain over sink, add 2 -3 tablespoons of butter, 1/4 – 1/2 cup of milk, and cheese powder.  Stir until butter is melted.  Eat.  Recipe may vary based on brand and shape of noodle.  Me being able to rattle that off from memory means two very important things:

1.)    She’s never made a pot of mac’n’cheese in her life

2.)    I’ve made way too much of it.

The second point about that paragraph that needs to be mentioned is this:  Why the hell would pouring WATER on burnt noodles cause the stove to ignite?!  *shifts grip on the book*  Did she mistakenly grab an entire bowl of oil?  Did she put waterproof matches in her water?  Are we being hit with a very odd situationally specific power of making things catch on fire because the author needs a plot device to move things forward?

I get the feeling that the author is probably a 16-year-old high schooler herself, but even I knew at that age that water on hot stove did not equal burning, and I was a notoriously bad cook until college.  Taco can vouch for that.  I stank in the kitchen.  But I never lit the stove on fire by pouring water on it.

Then, in stroke of brilliance, the panicking teenager grabs a towel and tosses on top of the fire.  That won’t end well.  Thankfully, Mother Dearest returns from her brief trip out and grabs the fire extinguisher that she just happens to have in the kitchen.  This must happen often.

She spits out some random Spanish and kicks Jace out of the kitchen.  End of chapter.

…What the hell was the point of that chapter?!  *raises book above head, hesitates, and lowers it again*  Deep, calming breaths…. Deep, calming breaths…

Chapter Six: Stupid Prep School Fight

*tilts head at chapter title*  Is it a fight at a stupid prep school?  Or is it a stupid fight at the prep school?  And does it catch on fire when Jace throws water on it?  Oh, I do hope so!

We start the chapter with more random Spanish without translation, leaving me with an odd feeling that I’m in a dream where no one tells me what’s going on but they all expect me to play the oboe in my underwear.

From what I can tell, given the ability of the author to randomly insert English into the strings of Spanish babble, Jace is being sent to Caden’s fancy prep school and Caden will be driving the girl there to prevent further “problems on the bus.”  For some reason, learning she will be going to her best friend’s school is upsetting and we get:

“¿Qué? No, no, no, no! No voy a que sobresalía de la escuela preparatoria! De ninguna manera!”

Google Transaltor tells me this means:

I’m not sticking out of high school in any way.

According to Babelfish…

I am not going to he excelled in high school!  In no way!

Hm.  Let’s try one more, shall we?  SDL, from SpanishDict.com, suggests this is the translation:

I will not protruding from the preparatory school! In any way!

Oooh, I like that one!

So Princess Pirate does not wish to protrude from her new school.  Probably a good idea.

I wonder if the author actually speaks Spanish or if she’s using translators online.  I need to find someone either fluent in Spanish, or a native speaker, so I can get some clarification on whether or not this author has any idea what she’s saying.

I did a little bit of research (read: asked some friends from YSaC) and according to those familiar with Spanish, the gist of the babble was that Jaicee doesn’t want to stick out AT the prep school, but her grammar is as horrible in Spanish as it is in English.  Fun!

Anyway, two hours later she’s standing out by her mailbox waiting for Caden to drive up, because it’s too much effort to walk across the street and get into his car before he drives up to get her, I guess.  He arrives and she gets in, slams the door, and bitches about going to his “stupid, prep, bloody rich kid school.”  He gets offended and yells at her because she was insulting him.

A minute later, the author mentions that Jace is wearing a short sleeve shirt, as per uniform code, and that she has “a band on [her] arm to cover [her] pirate brand.”

*twitch… twitch…*

I…  Dr. Zaius said… But…

*SMACK*

Just one!  I swear it’s actually really therapeutic!  …You won’t tell Dr. Zaius, right?  Right?  *fingers book*

You are NOT A PIRATE!  You were EIGHT!  They wouldn’t brand you if you’d been caught as a pirate, you’d have been taken from your parents and put into the orphanage where you’d eventually go into manual labor as a seamstress!  If you were lucky, you’d get to be a maid for a higher born lady.  You are not a bloody, fucking pirate!  You are a bloody, fucking idiot!

This author is about as dumb as dog poop.  I want to break her fingers into little, tiny pieces and feed them to my fish.

So Caden wants to know why she’s wearing that and she evades the issue.  He yanks it down so he can see it and asks if she was in a cult or something.  She yells at him in Spanish again, to which he says:

“You know I can’t speak Spanish! My God! I hate it when you do that!”

Caden, you just got brownie points and a temporary immunity from any smacking that may take place.

His behavior causes her to fight back tears and they drive on.  We’re left with some inner thoughts from Princess Pirate, relating that she “had a feeling that that was going to be a bad day.”  Oh, God, I hope so… it’s nothing more than you deserve-

*ring-a-linga-ling!*

*Answers the phone*  Oh, Dr. Zaius!  No… I’ve been good.  Promise.  *hefts book in hand and sends a warning glare at the reader*  A perfect angel.

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