59: Batpink: I AM THE NIGHT – Part Three

Title: Batpink: I AM THE NIGHT
Author: Jim Dimitri
Media: Television/Movie
Topic:  My Little Pony / Batman Crossover
Genre: Drama
URL: Batpink: I AM THE NIGHT
Critiqued by The Psychic Librarian

Today we will finish the pointless saga of Batpink: I AM THE NIGHT. Let’s attempt to sum up what has occurred so far. I have embellished quite a bit in this particular story but for the sake of relative brevity I will be leaving most of that out. I recommend reading the previous entries for the pure bizarre ramblings that I have included.

Our heroine is Pinkie Pie, a My Little Pony who has sworn vengance on a Manticore which presumably turned her parents into a lovely shade of carmine on the forest floor. If Pinkie Pie were to write a personal ad it would include that she enjoys hot sauce cupcakes, lunar events that correspond with hot sauce cupcakes, and making up disgustingly sacchrine theme songs for herself which she chants as she bounces around at night. She has a version of Batman’s beloved butler but he is a stallion with a mustache named Francois. Pinkie Pie has just learned, or should I say assumed, that another pony has been aiding the Manticores. This seems unlikely given the Manticores seem to devour the plastic ponies on sight. Pinkie Pie decides to randomly bounce on over to her friend’s slumber party even though she refused to come to it because she needed to bounce on over to her secret lair. We left Pinkie Pie staring down on a disturbance as she perches on a rooftop in her super pony costume which I would imagine is as effective at hiding her identity as Superman’s glasses were in hiding the fact that he was Clark Kent. Let’s finish this mama.

What was Angel doing out at this hour?

Batpink watched as the small white rabbit hopped towards the forest, its path surprisingly determined for such a small creature. Then again, Angel was no ordinary bunny; the little fellow managed to keep a pretty sharp eye out for Fluttershy, should she need his assistance.

Bunnies are very useful in times of crisis. They’re vicious creatures with giant fangs that eviscerate knights on quests for the Holy Grail.

Which was why it was all the more strange to see him trotting away from his mistress, and into the Evergreen Forest no less. Perhaps he has little bunny-business to attend to? The thought brought a brief smile to Batpink’s face, and the tiniest of giggles. Bunny business, with little bunny-briefcases and bunny-billfolds and bunny-three-piece-suits.

Pinkie Pie was the only one who thought of bunny briefcases when bunny business was mentioned wasn’t she? Get your mind out of the gutter.

The black-clad pony clung to the side of the wall, eyes dark with thought behind her mask, her giggling gradually fading as the small white bunny came to a halt, sniffing at a thistle. All that way for a snack? It didn’t seem likely; but then again, what did she know of bunny digestive systems?

I would imagine she knows as much about bunny digestive systems as she does about bunny business and why Francois charges around after her with his mustache flowing freely.

Perhaps she should leave him to his snack and just go check on her friends, she thought to herself as she resumed pulling herself up to the roof.

Someone really ought to show the author of this story an actual pony so that he comprehends the idea of hooves.

But right as Batpink was about to pull herself over the lip of the barn roof,

she heard something in the distance, fierce and loud. She had never heard a sound like it before in her life; it was almost like the firecrackers they set off at celebrations, but somehow louder.

It was the sound of a million souls crying out for mercy from this pony atrocity.

Although it sounded muffled from the distance, it still seemed loud to her ears, and she pulled herself over the edge hurriedly, heedless of the faint thump she made as she landed on her belly. From up here, she could hear the sound much more clearly.

Yada yada yada, Applejack’s orchard is on fire which I am sure is why she was forced to become a cereal. Applejack wants to rush into her orchard to save the burning apples which is a puzzler given it generally takes hours to pick apples and that’s without being hindered by hooves. Who could have possibly caused this disaster in Ponyville?!

Batpink’s eyes sadly returned to the burning orchard, the smoky smell beginning to reach her pink nostrils now, and she felt something kindle inside of her. Something – angry. Who could have caused this to happen? Who dared to vandalize her friend’s property? A rogue dragon? A fire-imbued manticore? No matter; she would find them, root them out, and bring them to justice!

Vengance again? You haven’t even finished your first futile mission Pinkie Pie! Francois, where are you when we need you? Oh, there you are, right behind Pinkie Pie, stalking her as usual.

“I had a feeling you might be needing this, Miss.”

“Francois!” She cried out, and indeed, there he was, pedaling her Bat-copter, looking just as staunchly snooty as ever even as he pedaled with all his might. “Francois, how did you -?”

Ok, now we have a pony peddling a helicopter. Pinkie Pie can’t even spring for a proper helicopter.

A marvel of modern engineering design, if she did say so herself. Sleekly designed and painted a glossy black, powered by pony-strength alone. It had taken her some time to build up the muscle strength to power it, but now it was almost as easy as galloping. The first prototype had been a silly-looking candy-coated thing, just goofy enough that her friends wouldn’t give it much thought when they saw her pedaling around on it.

I bet it still looks pretty goofy to look up and see Pinkie Pie and/or Francois peddling with their hooves.

“FOOLS!”

Batpink and Francois turned as one, eyes widening as they looked out into the night sky, only dimly lit by the glow of the orchard as it burned. There had been a sharp cry – but from where?

The audience!!

But then, there – no, there! – something darting through the stars, a dark outline against an even darker sky. The creature flew quickly, almost as quickly as Rainbow Dash, and the thought made Batpink glance down, immediately fearing for her friends’ safety.

Does the creature also like hot sauce cupcakes? That’s all I got.

“Ssssuch foolisssh little creaturesss, running like antssss.” Came the hissing growl, and Batpink barely restrained the urge to flinch; the voice was on the roof with them! Batpink whirled where she stood, planting all four hooves on the roof as her cape flared dramatically behind her.

Gollum? Is that you?

“I have not hidden myssself, foolisssh pony; it isss you who do not have eyesss to sssee.” The voice chuckled, and moved obligingly forward, coming into Batpink’s range of view. It … well, it looked like a pony, but it was strange. It wore a suit, like hers, dark and glossy in the moon’s wan light, but the wings that unfolded from its back were no normal pegasus’ wings. Instead of being feathery and soft, they were flat and leathery, with long bones connecting a webbing that brought to mind something sharply familiar. But she’d never seen a pony with bat wings before, and especially not one with fur as black as the night, with a mane and tail to match.

It’s no fair, Batpink should have the bat wings!

“Who are you!” Batpink barked, holding her position, head lowered, ready for any attack. The dark creature chuckled throatily and took a few steps forward, mouth opening in a wicked smile, revealing elongated canines and sharp, un-ponylike teeth.

“You may call me – Black Sssnootie!”

I will only call you Black Sssnootie if you promise never to be continued. This particular entry has been a bit lack luster because I am very tired of this story. Let’s all pretend it was just a bad dream and I will find something much more entertaining for next week.

---