57: Pearl of the sea – One Shot

Title: Pearl of the sea
Author: samy.x
Media: Movie
Topic:  Disney’s The Little Mermaid
Genre: Romance/Friendship
URL: Pearl of the sea
Critiqued by Lyle

After the torture that was Music Child, I decided to take a brief break from crazy-popular topics and try something that was bound to be pretty mild: Disney Fanfiction.  I only had a couple criteria that needed to be followed when selecting my next piece of detritus.

1.)    Based on a movie I’m very familiar with

2.)    Sucktastic

3.)    And short.  I’m not ready to tackle another multi-chapter fic yet.

It took me a little while of rooting around but I found a short, brain-melting Little Mermaid fic.  It looks as though the author intended to write more but only ever published a single chapter.  I’m hoping it was due to the author waking up and realizing that she has no idea what she’s doing.  Either that, or the ghost of Disney strangled her in her sleep and the world is a much, much better place for it.

I think the best place to start is with the actual summary for this story as it is what drew me to it in the first place.

emma, rikky, cleo all are maimaids but no one else knows that . A boy who is new in ther school enter’s cleos life. Cleo likes him aswell but she will not tell no one.The others find out that cleo likes him and set him up but something changes

Unbeknownst to many, Maim-aids are a peculiar breed of oceanic fish that are known for helping sharks take down large prey-creatures.  Although the Maim-aids do not get credited for the kill, they do get an assist.

We enter the story and are met instantly with a description of our scene.

In a water filled room, full of spongy sea beds, lay a beautiful young mermaid that goes by the name of Cleo.

Cleo.  Cleo… you named your mermaid…  Cleo.  *rolls the name around on her tongue a few times*  No.  No, sorry.  That’s not acceptable.  If you are a mermaid, you are not named Cleo.  You are named Cleo if you are a cat.  You are named Cleo if you are a pole dancer in Las Vegas.  You are named Cleo if you are a telephone psychic with a Jamaican accent.

We find out in the next sentence that Cleo has an orange tail and that she snores.  But she doesn’t snore like normal people.  She snores like birds.

Her snores sounded like a soft humming of a bird.

Now, I am no expert on birds but I’m pretty sure – with the exception of the buzz a hummingbird makes when it flies – birds aren’t big on humming.  They whistle, coo, twitter, and shriek but birds don’t hum.

Anyway, so our orange-tailed Mary Mermaid is snoring away like a tropical aviary.  This implies she is sleeping.  Otherwise she has some breathing problems she should probably get checked out.  The author alerts us to the fact that she is “just a mere 16 year old girl” even though I’m pretty sure she’s a mermaid and not a girl.  I’m sorry, but when you’re half-fish, you lose that gender terminology.  You’re not human, therefore you are either female or you are male.  You’re not a girl.  You have no… girl bits.

Anyway, a bright orange light shines into the bedroom and “into her cobalt orbs.”  Wait… wasn’t she asleep?  So she snores like a bird and sleeps with her eyes open?  I’m getting a serious creep-vibe and we’re not even out of the first paragraph yet.

As Cleo is stretching and letting out “a loud yawn of tiredness” she is visited by someone named Emma.  We’re only to assume she’s a mermaid, too, as it is never specified what Emma is, only that Emma has fine blond hair that she enjoys running her fingers through.  Emma seems genuinely friendly, though, asking Cleo how she slept.  Cleo responds by snapping at her friend that she was so rudely awoken by the orange light – which, by the way, is never explained.

Emma recovers her fright quickly – she must be used to abuse from Cleo.  It’s one of those relationships.

Nurse:  Please tell us what happened to give you that black eye.

Emma:  *glancing nervously at Cleo*  I fell down the stairs.

Nurse:  The stairs?

Cleo:  She’s very clumsy.  She’s always falling down the stairs.  Isn’t that right, Emma?

Emma: Y-yes.  I fell down the stairs.

Nurse:  …We’re underwater.

Emma:  Did I say stairs?  I… I meant I ran into a door.

Nurse:  Again… underwater.  *Incredulous stare*

Emma:  I… I hit myself with my frying pan.

Nurse:  Under…  water?

You get the picture.

Emma reveals that she’s only there to tell Cleo about a new addition to their classroom.  Apparently they’re highschool mermaids.

I came here to tell you about this lush new boy in our class” she giggled while dazing off into a daydream.

I think I’ll have to steal a term from our friend Kate on this one.  This author partakes in what is known as “Thesaurus Rape.”  When other much more suitable words could be used to describe something, the author chooses instead to browse through a selection of similar words, purposefully looking for something that sounds more exotic, or more difficult, in a blatant attempt to come off as intelligent.  What we’re left with is an icky taste in our mouths as we attempt to envision a mer-boy so inappropriately described as “lush.”  I’m getting a mental image of him dressed up as a member of the succulent family.  Now that is lush.

Emma then tells us that this verdant merman isn’t the actual reason she came to bug Cleo, even though she just said a couple sentences ago that it was the reason she was there to begin with.  While Cleo applies her make-up –

Hold on a second.  Make-up.  Under… water?  Maybeline is sure coming out with some state-of-the-art waterproof mascara.   I do suppose that Ursula applied some make-up during the actual movie, but didn’t it involve killing some sea creatures to accomplish it?  I guess that does fit with the abusive nature of Cleo, come to think of it.  Carry on.

Emma announced that the real purpose of her visit is to alert Cleo that Cleo’s father has “thrown” a “ceremony” for the grumpy one’s 16^th birthday.  Without another word, Emma races from Cleo’s room like her fins are on fire, probably afraid Cleo was going to make her fall down the stairs again.  Based on Cleo’s reaction, I think I’m not far off.

“What?” Cleo wailed while dropping her comb on the ground. “My dad threw me a WHAT?” she stared at the door in awe…My father is terrible at ceremony’s! They always go terribly wrong…She screamed in her head while frowning. Today wasn’t going to be a good day.

Gotta love the random apostrophe.

Without any notice, the story switches to an author’s note:

Hope you liked that! Coz I do

Please review because I love you all!

All the fancy language she’s been using for this piece of crap and she chooses to say “Coz I do” ?  *smacks author with a fly swatter*  Where was your thesaurus then?  Because, Since, As… all suitable words.  And you choose “Coz…”  Gah!

I hope you’re thankful she never updated… Coz I am.

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