Library of the Damned 2013 Sucktastic Awards: The Results
Posted: July 16, 2013 Filed under: Sucktastic Awards | Tags: Awesome! 30 CommentsWelcome back to the 2013 Sucktastic Awards ceremony! We let you, the readers, vote on what we nominated as the worst of the worst from our fics, and the results are in!
We had well over 19 categories of suck to vote on, and in no particular order (aside from the order they were in the voting polls) here are the results!
So, without much more ado, let’s get into this pile of fail!
Fic for the worst thesaurus abuse:
A Jedi’s Destiny
It managed to edge out a victory by a single vote!
Fic with the least punctuation:
indian jones and the gears of war and resident evil:reborn
Both nominated fics came dead even in the voting for this award! They should be proud that it was so hard to choose which one had less punctuation.
Fic with the least amount of dialogue attribution:
Jedi
We never knew who was talking, and we never will.
Fic with the absolute most plot regurgitation:
From Another World
FAW conquered this category against its competitor, Parallel Realities. Not only did From Another World regurgitate the canon plot, but also Parallel Realities. Things start to get self referential beyond that point.
The most Epic Mary Sues:
Jade Potter from Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution
All the magic, all the ninja skills, and an ego that could run for office. Good times.
The most Epic Gary Stu:
The award is split between John “the Council sucks!” Stupard from Parallel Realities and Markus “In the glass Sith-Closet” Silverman from A Jedi’s Destiny.
I think you’ll agree that no two finer turds could have won this award.
The Awesomest McEvil:
Cal from Twitanic
He was a late-breaking McEvil, but so over the top that he handily swept the category.
Biggest WTF Moment:
This one was really close. It’s another tie, but the two winners only outstripped the others by one vote. Very tight cluster.
The winners are Longing to be Free for all thebuild-up was for the founding of a gay bar. And even then it was all just a dream.
and Twitanic for Rose spontaneously being a faerie and the key to immortality for the already immortal werewolves, and Cal, because… why the hell not?
The highest jumping shark:
A Jedi’s Destiny for Markus beating down a T-rex and then Boba Fett (and a shit-load of everything else) in single combat with little more than superficial wounds, thereby destroying any kind of tension and basically relegating the fic to “watch the invincible Stu do stuff!”
I gotta give Markus credit, he did know how to thoroughly avoid tension by being utterly awesome at everything.
Most Creative Use of the Wrong Word:
“Jesus Christ of Narrative” for Nazareth in The Prayer Warriors
Given how much fun we’ve had with all our various Jesus incarnations, I don’t think this outcome should really surprise anyone.
Least Amount of Description Regarding Canonical Information:
Once Upon A lifetime
This one was really, really close. Both nominees had almost no information about what they were trying to be about, but Once Upon A Lifetime was even more vague about the canon than normal. And that’s saying quite a bit.
Most Obvious Author-Insertion:
Jerry from The Prayer Warriors
When the author occasionally makes the mistake of writing his own name instead of his character’s, you pretty much can’t ignore what a blatant author insertion he is. Jerry/Thomas dominated this category with… well… himself, really.
Biggest Douchecanoe McAsshat:
Jerry from The Prayer Warriors
I doubt anyone was surprised with that outcome either. Gotta give him props for thoroughly dominating the category that also had Gabriel Hawke in it.
Lamest Duck:
Jack from Twitanic for being unable to hunt down Cal after he abducts Rose despite having every ability to do so.
Jack was the perfect antithesis to Cal. Where Cal was 1 step ahead of everyone, all the time, and had knowledge and contact he couldn’t possibly have, Jack was neigh catatonic. He barely seemed to be able to get up enough energy to be trajik and moody.
Least connection to the source story:
Their Mockingjay for being… well, what exactly did it have to do with the Hunger Games, anyway?
This was a fairly close category, but Their Mockingjay was one of those fics where you could have changed all the names and it could have stood on its own… as a crappy, crappy fic.
Weirdest Crossover:
Robot Revelution for the Sonic The Hedgehog x Saw cross.
Honestly, what the fuck was the author thinking? It got bonus points for the fact that the Saw bits were hastily folded in and added nothing to the fic.
Most unintentionally hilarious line:
“Armory Jesus” from resident evil:reborn
Again, with our recent Jesus squad, the popularity of Armory Jesus made him a shoe-in to win this category.
The Squick Award:
Gabriel Hawke for glorification of rape and murder, not to mention the stuff that is offensive to LGBT people.
Even though Gabe was outdone in total douchiness by Jerry, the story as a whole was probably the most icky and offensive thing we’ve seen in the Library. That’s really a bar I hope we don’t have to lower any time soon.
Squiggliest Time:
Twitanic
Seriously, if you want to see time do the Macarena, read Twitanic.
And Finally
The Bashing Award:
They Prayer Warriors for bashing anything and everything that doesn’t subcribe to Thomas’s perverted version of Christianity.
When you can not only steal the bashing award from Parallel Realities, but sweep it, you know you’ve got a hard-core hatesplosion going on in your fic.
And there you have it! We had a lot of bad fics this last year, some of which have been way worse than others. I’d like to thank the authors who make what we do possible. Without your self-indulgent noodling, we’d just be a bunch of book worms and writers who might actually have to spend our time productively.
Or, you know, pop in The Legend of Zelda for the 200th time. That’s kinda like being productive.
Here’s to another year of the Librarians avoiding real life productivity in favor of ravaging horrible “literature” in front of a live audience! Things are looking pretty good for year 3 already. We’ve got a number of guest authors on deck who are churning out stuff for our guest spots, our average hits per day have more than doubled since this time last year, and we’re rapidly approaching our 500th post, which will be a treat for everyone.
We’re also storming ever closer to that magical 100,000 hits mark. Hopefully we can break through it this year.
A boy can dream.
Library of the Damned 
And it looks like The Prayer Warriors won this year’s “Worst Fic” award with four wins. Damn, it really came right out from the back of the pack, you know what I mean?
:wipes away tear:
I’m so proud ofTwitanic, but it just couldn’t compete with the pile of failure that is Prayer Warriors.
Twitanic was really close though, with 3 1/2 wins.
Much closer running for overall worst fic than last year.
As far as upsets go, I liked how From Another World came right outta nowhere to clinch regurgitation by regurgitating its competitor. That was a very effective tactic to steal the victory.
EDIT: Huh, that’s interesting, when untold zombie chronicels won last year it was with 4 categories too. I think that might be our sweet spot.
It was the dark horse nobody wanted and never expected to be betting on!
It seems that you always get to review the worst the Library has to offer, doesn’t it?
Is that a blessing or a curse?
It’s a blurse.
Or a cursing, which we do quite a bit of as well.
Oh, don’t we ever.
Especially Herr, when he gets uber-pissed.
Not exactly. Poor Taco had the winner of “Worst Fic” last year, so I don’t always get ’em.
And really, The Prayer Warriors is just a piece of ass, y’know? It is just the lowest of the low, ’cause it keeps finding new ways to suck, y’know?
As a Christian, it makes me want to punch the author right in his ignorant suckhole.
Oh trust me, I wasn’t implying that anybody was worse than anybody else in the swearing department. (Honestly, I have yet to go off on my own tangent, but only because I’m somehow not super offended by what I’ve read so far.)
But damn, Herr, your rant from the most recent Prayer Warriors chapter left me right startled.
And, to be honest, EVERYBODY wants to punch Tommy in his suckhole.
If there was one thing about Markus that I wish I could do, it would be that trick he did where he throws his gun through an enemy shield and Force-pulls the trigger right into their body.
Simply because it was fucking cool when I imagined it be used more practically than how Markus did it.
(Seriously, the army could minimize losses like crazy if we knew the Force. Just send your gun around the corner and take out the turret gunner across the way, he’d never see it coming!)
Of course that requires them to be partially trained as Sith, since technology manipulation of any kind is a dark side skill.
Which is fine if you’ve got an evil empire thing going.
I’m adding that to my evil empire playbook, actually.
Is that what you call your DM manual?
It has “No Elves” written across the front in large, friendly letters.
See, I call the DM handbook “Warlock Curses and Vexes”, myself.
I call mine Maurice.
Eeew, being an active member of society.
Wait, HEY! Writing is productive, asshole! How else would we have goodfic to cleanse our brains with after a painful snarking?!
Right, and if we weren’t snarking at the badfics, we might actually be updating our fics more often, thus being productive.
That was my point.
Hey, I’m plenty productive! This morning I made tapioca pudding.
Did you save some for the rest of us?
Delivery may be problematic, I don’t know if the bowl will fit in my computer’s cup-holder so I can email it.
That’s why they made flat-bed scanners. You can just pour it on the glass and close the lid.
*sniff sniff*
Is that smoke I smell?
I think something went wrong…
No, I was just faxing myself a grilled cheese sandwich.
Oh, nevermind then.
This reminds me, I left my BLT in the printer…
I think that the award for “Most Creative Use of the Wrong Word” should instead have gone to this quote:
“I would die for God and his holy eternal Son Judas Christ, our lord and saviour.”
The guy confused the Son of God with the man that betrayed him to the Jewish authorities. If that doesn’t scream “FAIL,” I don’t know what does.
I’m pretty sure that error came in after the poll for these awards was posted. Mayybe it’ll show up in next year’s awards!
Hooray! From Another World doesn’t have a single original thought! And the author just posted the suicide mission chapter. Fuck me.
And as predicted, it was just straight up plagiarism of IHW’s stupid take on that mission. I think Operation Plagiarist Purge needs to be stepped up, people!
Oh, and there was a bit involving implied lesbian sex that straight up pissed me off. It almost makes me wonder if EclipsePheniox is secretly homophobic and desperately trying to hide that fact by writing characters that are lesbians, or if he’s really trying to write a gay character well and is just straight-up failing ’cause of his innate lack of ability to write. (But y’know what? At least it ain’t Gabriel Hawke.)