462: The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods Part One – Chapters 1 and 2

Title: The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods Part One
Author: BelieverInChrist, A.K.A. Thomas Brown (Reposted on qazonwordpress)
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Percy Jackson and the Olympians
Genre: Spiritual/Mystery
URL: The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods Part One Repost
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

…

Seriously, backlog? Are you sure there isn’t another fic there? Are you positive that there is nothing else I can conceivably snark at right now?

…

All right, fine. I’ll snark this piece of ass.

*cough* *cough*

Hello ladies and gentlemen. Well, today we hit the low point of fics that I keep on finding. I swear, I have an innate gift of finding the worst possible fanfics out there and suddenly snarking them. Blame it on bad karma, I guess.

Anyway, I asked you to bring the Bible in last week because, as you might’ve guessed from the title, this fic is basically nothing more than thinly veiled Christian “fundamentalist” author tract. It also has a very colorful history, but I won’t recount that here: there’s already a TVTropes page about this fic where you can find out more. Not only was it the first part of a series that has since almost entirely been lost to the deletion gods, but from the stuff that was in the TVTropes page alone you would think that this was the worst thing ever written. Hell, some even think that it’s a troll fic.

Well, in a lot of ways, it is one of the worst things ever written. And being a practicing Roman Catholic, I think I have a little more reason to snark at this guy. So let’s get started, shall we?

Now, part of the colorful history is that the fic itself has been deleted from fanfiction.net. Thankfully, some dude on WordPress saved the whole fic, so we’re going to take this fic on two chapters at a time. (Believe me, the chapters are usually quite short.) Oh, and this author will cite Bible quotes at a few points, so I feel I should let you know that I will quote the Bible at some points. Generally, I will quote the King James Bible whenever that happens, though I may quote the New International Bible since the verses are worded much less confusingly in that version.

So let’s get started with this:

Believer in Christ: Hello Jesus!

Jesus: Hello my son.

Believer in Christ: Am I saved by writing this story.

Jesus: Yes my son.

Well, that didn’t take long, ladies and gentlemen: in the space of a single author’s note, this author has revealed himself to be a total twat. I mean, seriously, it’s one thing to say you’re doing things in the name of Jesus Christ, but to actually write things down like you know what he’s going to tell you!?

I haven’t even started the story proper and already I want to slap this author.

Believer in Christ: Good. Now should I go hunt down those Satanists.

Jesus: Yes my son.

Why do I get the uncomfortable feeling that this is but a prelude for worse things to come?

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bible, God does. I will not feel sorry for using Percy Jackson as it is evil and should not have a disclaimer.

Oh, so do you want me to call Rick Riordan’s lawyers now, or when he finds out that someone called one of his creations evil?

Being Together The Army

Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. -Proverbs 16:18

*snerk*

Ladies and gentlemen, the guy who is prideful enough that he thinks he can tell us what Jesus Christ would think of this fic has just presented a quote denouncing pride.

I’d make a witty comment here, but really, that speaks for itself.

I am Jerry and I am a prayer warrior. I am a servent of the lord and will do anything to get rid of evil Gods.

*headdesk*

Oh, boy. First two sentences, and already we have two noticeable spelling errors.

1)      It’s spelled “servant”.

2)      “Lord” is always capitalized when you’re talking about God.

I have no idea how the hell you got those two things wrong if you’re so fanatical about Christianity (what with the fact that those two words are constantly used throughout both books of the Bible), but hey; I’m not a “fundamentalist”, so I wouldn’t know.

Lately the Satanic leader Percy Jackson has taken over much of the land, along with his Satanic Army and his girlfriend whore. She has sex with other people just to get Satanic money.

*sigh*

You do realize that paganism is not the same thing as Satanism, right?

That means that I have to get an army together of Christians, so that we can defeat the servents of Satan, and defeat his evil puppets, the false greek gods, who are in fact a lie created by Satan to poison peoples mind.

Wait, hang on. So you’ve heard about a group of people who don’t worship your gods and all that. So instead of preaching the good word and converting them by telling them about the kindess of the Lord, you’re going in to conquer them.

You know, because that worked out so well for everyone who was in Jerusalem in 1099! Pfft, yeah, the mass murder of people who don’t practice my religion is okay, ‘cause we’re doing the work of the Lord!

*headdesk*

Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise. – Deuteronomy 12:30

So we have a Bible quote again, about taking heed not to follow other religions. So you would think that this would be a good context with which to use that quote, what with it being in relation to worshipping the Greek pantheon and all that.

Except that when you combine Deuteronomy 12:30 with Deuteronomy 12:31, it turns out that this is not what the Bible is saying:

³⁰ Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise. ³¹ Thou shalt not do so unto the Lord thy God: for every abomination to the Lord, which he hateth, have they done unto their gods; for even their sons and their daughters they have burnt in the fire to their gods.

It’s not talking about following other religions there. In this case, it’s talking about “don’t worship the Lord your God the way other people might worship their gods”. And it’s not even that he wants to say “do not practice other religions, for they are evil”: there are other verses in the Bible that cover that! Seriously, you couldn’t just cite the first two commandments or something? Those would’ve been far better verses to cite! But no, you took a verse from Deuteronomy out of its original context and tried to frame it so that it was saying something that it doesn’t actually say.

In the grand scheme of things, this is a small issue: nevertheless, I want you guys to keep it in mind. Trust me, you’ll see why this recontextualizing of Bible verses becomes a really bad thing quickly.

“Hello my fellow Christian” I told Mary, who is named after Jesuss Mother.

Jesuss? Who the hell is “Jesuss”? What, was he the long-lost twin brother of Graham Chapman?

I and her are not dating, if you Satanic scum think that there is something Satanic going on. We are dating, but we are not having Sex until we get married.

Whoah, there, Bruce Banner! Calm down! We didn’t say you were having pre-marital sex or anything like that! In fact, I wasn’t thinking about how sexual your relationship was until you brought it up!

But because we are 15, it means that it is going to be while before we do such a thing.

Good: that may give Mary just enough time to come to her senses and dump you in favor of some guy who doesn’t support mass murder due to religious differences.

“Yes Jerry, how are you. Have you been doing the lords biddings?” she asked me.

Wait, what? You’re serving an earthly lord, and multiple earthly lords at that?

*shrug*

Well, that explains the recontextualized Deuteronomy verse, at any rate.

I nodded my head and then she took out the bible and we read the first Chapter of Genesis, which is about the the creation of the world.

*BAM*

Thank you, BelieverInChrist, I’m sure even us Godless heathens who don’t really take the Good Book to heart know that the first chapter of the Book of Genesis was about the creation of the world. You don’t have to mention that like we’re freaking dumbasses, m’kay? Good.

We talk about how God was so good that he was kind to create a great world as we live in.

“Yeah, he kindly created a world full of great stuff! You know, because he totally created things like a hotel that charms its visitors to stay there forever, a garden where Uma Thurman turns people into stone, the portal to hell right below the Hollywood sign, and all those fights in New York between teenage boys that happen to have strange supernatural powers. Yeah, God created a pretty awesome world through the power of kindness, didn’t he?”

He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. -Proverbs 18:13

And this relates to the action… how, exactly?

I mean, at least with the recontextualized Deuteronomy verse, it sort of made sense with what it was talking about. But here? What does this have to do with the action!?

Then we discuss about how Satan had poisoned the world by inventing false gods such as Zeus and Venus, who were sex gods, which is against the Ten commandments.

*BAM*

Venus is not a Greek God! Granted, she is technically a sex goddess and technically the same person as BelieverInChrist is attempting to refer to, but if you’re going to use the Greek gods in the context of Greek myth you don’t refer to them by their Roman counterparts! That’s one of the big rules distinguishing Roman and Greek myth, and you’ve just tossed it out the window in the first chapter!

But then, I guess you don’t care about that sort of thing. So let’s just keep going.

“I need an Army to defeat the evil leader Percy Jackson” I asked her. I wanted an army so that I could defeat this Satanist and his ungodly army.

Again, I feel the need to point out that paganism is not Satanism.

This is America which is a Christian nation,

Well, it’s not technically a Christian nation, seeing as how—

so Satanist, athesit, hindu, muslims, buddhist, and any other non-god fearing people, who worshiped false gods, should not be allowed in this God fearing Nation.

Wh-whoah! Hold up there, Jerry, slow down and—

We must get rid of them, and make them slaves, if they agree to being a fellow Christian.

Hey, hey, slow down! You don’t know—

Once they truly believe in God and his son, Jesus, then would we release them to bring glory to God and his son.

Hey! Shut up! Shut the—

If they still did not believe, we would burn then, just as their fellow Satanist did when they refused to worship our lord Jesus Christ. “I want to bring Glory to God”

*BAM*

…

Damn it, I think I’m too late.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is probably the first point at which you realize this: BelieverInChrist just went on an author tracty tangent which had no reason to be there. Literally, everything from when he first mentions that America is a Christian nation could be deleted from the story and you would miss absolutely nothing. So how else do you explain it, except that it’s author tract?

And I wouldn’t mind so much, if this bit of author tract isn’t the first sign of one of the things that plays into why this fic is so infamous: BelieverInChrist (and his character by extension) is a bigoted asshole. “Yeah, let’s kill and make slaves out of everyone who doesn’t practice my religion, don’t you know that America is a Christian nation!?” Yeah, never mind that persecuting non-Christians explicitly goes against the fucking Bill of Rights or anything, and never mind all that “thou shalt not kill” stuff: it’s okay to enslave and murder people just because they don’t practice your religion!

Their bows also shall dash the young men to pieces; and they shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb; their eyes shall not spare children.-Isaiah 13:18

The fact that this verse is one of seven verses explicitly referring to Babylon’s destruction in its original context does not help anything at all.

*headdesk*

And you know, this ends up playing a role in the much larger problem that plagues this fic. But as I haven’t gotten far enough into this installment, I won’t talk about what this larger problem is just yet (though I imagine you probably might’ve figured it out by now).

“Then I will show you my Christian friends. You will not find a ungodly one among them. There are as clean as you can get them” she told me.

I dunno, Mary. If you’re dumb enough to be in love with this bigot over here, I’m not exactly sure your friends are as pure as you want to believe.

She had a her hair tied back so that it would not get in her and not look like a Satanic whore.

Hey, I’ll have you know that I know plenty of Christian women who don’t tie their hair back! And besides, why would her hair get in her? And why do you even care about hair getting…?

Unless…

…

Okay… that’s a rather… ahem… interesting fetish you’ve got there, Jerry. I wouldn’t think that hair would be something that most people would sexually fetishize, but I was wrong about that, apparently.

She also made sure that her skirt did not show any of her legs, or else it would be a sin for a man such as myself to look at it.

Hey hey, I think you forgot that one verse in Corinthians that requires all women to keep their heads covered! If you’re going to cite the more sexist verses in the Bible, you might as well throw that one into the mix!

And that was when I got message that a follower of the Satanic leader Percy Jackson.

“That a follower of the Satanic leader Percy Jackson”…?

What? Was he showing your girlfriend why their people are so much better than the “fundamentalist” Christians standing right next to her?

He was there to force people in believing in false gods that made their followers get naked and perform Satanic killings.

And now, I’m pretty sure you’re confusing Greek rituals with Häxan. Not that you care since you hate every religion but Christianity anyway, but it’s worth pointing out.

Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness. -Leviticus 18:19

According to other English translations of the Bible, this verse is telling you not to approach a woman to have sexual relations with her during her period. What this has to do with satanic orgies is something that I don’t think even God would want to know about.

But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die. -Deuteronomy 18:20

Oh hey, a Deuteronomy verse about false prophets, being used by a guy who prefers to kill people for not practicing Christianity rather than convert them through the Lord’s good word. Isn’t this ironic?

So I went down stair to face the false prophet.

So either Jerry was standing right beneath the Hollywood sign, or this random Percy Jackson character walked into Jerry’s house. Either one is perfectly possible in the Formless Void.

He was a believer in false nature gods, such as Pan, who is Satan in disguise. He had big Satanic horns, so that everyone that was Christian could tell that he was a Satanist.

“Believe in my god Pan” said the Satyr. “I am Grover

Wait, hang on. This random Satyr is Grover, who apparently has “big Satanic horns”. You know, because this doesn’t completely contradict the fact that Grover’s horns are small enough that they can be covered by his hair/the hat he wears when he’s not at Camp Half-Blood!

*headdesk*

Holy hell, BelieverInChrist. If you’re going to take a shit all over Percy Jackson and the Olympians, you might as well actually try to get this stuff right!

and I am servent of Pan and Satan, who are great gods. They are better then God and Jesus”

“I am a villain. You can tell I’m a villain because I say something that totally opposes the views of the main character!”

He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed. -Exodus 22:20

Hm…

You know, it’s funny. Here’s this self-proclaimed Christian here talking about all this stuff, and yet all the quotes from the Bible that he’s used so far are verses from the Old Testament. Why aren’t there any verses from the New Testament? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that the New Testament is the much more important of the two Testaments as far as Christianity is concerned.

So to defeat this Satanic scum, me, Mary and one of her Christian friends that was there, her name was Ruth,

Oh hi there, random woman who was pulled out of the SDQF! I’m so glad I know who you are, otherwise I might say that you contribute nothing of note to this scene!

prayed to God and our lord Jesus Christ, to bring down this false prophet. And behold, a group of locus came from the heavens and ate Grover alive. No part of his body, other then his guts and his brains, was left. No even his bones remained.

*cringe*

Oh, dude. That’s just… ew. That’s a really horrible fate for Grover. I just… God…

And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land of Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath left. -Exodus 10:12

*headdesk*

And now it’s gone from Bible quotes that have nothing to do with the scene, to Bible quotes that are too freaking obvious.

Seriously, BelieverInChrist, can you lay off on the damn Bible quotes already? You just sound pretentious every time you slap us in the face with one of ‘em!

So we brought glory to God.

“You know, because killing a man by praying for him to die a horribly painful death for not believing in Him is totally bringing glory to God in the highest!”

We killed a sheep so that we can say thanks to God.

*frowns*

I am pretty sure that the practice of sacrificing a sheep to God went out of style ages ago.

Then we went back church and prayed some more. We read the Bible and how Paul convert many people to God. Then Marys friends came and we made them members of the Order of the Prayer Warriors.

And then Laura said “put me down,” and then the Orcs did, and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said “welcome Laura,” and then Laura looked at him and said “no it can’t be,” and then she tryed to run away, but the Orcs got her.

…

What? It only seemed appropriate!

Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished. -Isaiah 13:16

And there’s another one of the verses of Isaiah I was referring to above.

Well, that ends the first chapter. We then get an author’s note that reads like this:

Believers in Christ: Thank you for read this and I hope you have turn to the glory of God and his eternal son Jesus Christ, the greatest thing to ever happen to this earth. May all that read this be save.

What any logical person would say to this: why the fuck would I want to consider Jesus Christ to be the greatest person ever if all that his followers ever seem to want to do is to kill people who don’t practice Christianity?

What any logical Christian would say to this: why the hell are you asking others to turn to the glory of Jesus if there was absolutely zero mention of Jesus or his life and work during this chapter!?

Jesus: You done me well son. Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord for giving me live and allow me to write this. Amen.

“Life.” The form of the word you’re looking for is “life”. And I’m pretty sure that if Jesus were around, he would be really angry that you’re trying to speak for him.

Anyway, that’s it for Chapter 1. We’re going to jump to Chapter 2 immediately, because trust me, it’ll be better for us in the long run.

We open chapter 2 with this A/N:

Believer in Christ: The Holy One has return.

Christ Himself: Yes you have. You have been blessed.

Believer in Christ: And with this blessing I will rid the world demons.

First it was “Jesus”, and now it’s “Christ Himself”. Either way, he’s still trying to speak for one of the most important religious figures of all time.

Oh, but if you thought this was the only thing he did… Oh, no. Trust me, it gets even better:

Christ Himself: The unholy ones are thee, Theia47, SonnyGoten, ImagingThings and TheBratMan.

Believer in Christ: Thee have wage war on our lord Jesus Christ and must be ridden!

Chirst Himself: And Alistairlevi13 for serving the dark lord Satan!

Believer in Christ: May all these wevil ones burn in hell! Amen.

You know, ‘cause we all know that Jesus responded to sin by smiting them and sending them straight to hell! It’s not like he once told an adulteress “Neither do I condemn you” in the Gospel according to John! Nope, he just told her to go to hell!

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Another thing you might notice is the names are all weird. Well… we don’t have the original posting to check this, but from the stuff I’ve read about other installments of the series on TVTropes, this is BelieverInChrist saying that the people who left negative reviews would go to hell. I’ve heard of authors bashing the shit out of reviewers for leaving negative comments, but that takes it to a whole new level.

Christ Himself: Bless my son.

Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord! Amen and amen.

*rolls eyes*

Let’s just get started with the chapter proper, shall we?

Defeating the Whore!

A prayer (speak it out load to be save, you unholy ones. If you do not do so, then to the depth of hell you unsaved souls will go forever!)

*BAM*

No! Bad BelieverInChrist! Author’s notes go at the ends of the chapters, not right smack dab in the middle of ‘em!

I believe in everyone that is spoken with this holy word,

So technically, by Jerry’s own admission he’ll believe in ventriloquists just as long as they spout out Bible quotes. Good to know.

*goes to the joke shop*

and will follow it so the full command, even ridding the world of those flithly atheist! Amen and amen!

Wait, so in the previous chapter, the members of Camp Half-Blood were Satanists. Now they’re atheists?

…

Okay…

This is followed by another Bible quote (Leviticus 21:9, which details the punishment of burning for daughters of priests who act like whores). Since it relates to the chapter title, I’ll assume it’s foreshadowing and just move on.

And we met to plan a attack on those evil beings.

Uh… who’s ‘we’?

And yes, I know you’re talking about the Prayer Warriors here. Here’s the problem: you haven’t told us anything about the people in them! Hell, you haven’t even told us how many people are part of the Prayer Warriors! All we know is that the Prayer Warriors are headed by a pair of adolescents who haven’t finished going through puberty yet, and that you’re apparently moving the Crusades from Israel to the state of New York. That’s it. We know nothing about how many people are in there, we know very little about who is in there, we know very little about how they plan on fighting for Christ…

Does the word “set-up” mean anything to you, BelieverInChrist?

*headdesk*

We discussed their weakness, and their desires to turn the good Christian world away from our glorious one and only great god of all nation, our lord Jesus Christ

*frown*

Actually, you know something I realize here? Jerry is going on and on about how the denizens of Camp Half-Blood are trying to turn people away from Christ. But here’s the crazy thing: when you actually start applying canon to that logic, you realize that it makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever!

I mean, here’s the thing about Percy Jackson and the Olympians that I gathered from the film adaptation of The Lightning Thief (and which seems to hold true for the books, given the stuff I’ve read about PJatO on wikis and all that): the Greek mythology stuff is hidden in its own world. The Greek creatures tend to treat their world like it’s a pretty big secret from mortal man, in the same way that wizards in Harry Potter keep their world a secret from muggles. Hell, if Percy Jackson wasn’t Poseidon’s son by a mortal, he would likely never have stumbled across this world in the first place! In fact, I’m pretty sure that it was Grover who took Percy over to Camp Half-Blood precisely because the illegitimate nature of his lineage put him in the line of fire during the events of The Lightning Thief. (Essentially, Poseidon broke a vow when he boinked Percy’s mom. It’s a long story.) So essentially, when you take all that into account, Camp Half-Blood is more of a secret society than it is a casual summer camp.

And by remaining a secret society that is not common knowledge among the muggles of Percy Jackson’s world, Camp Half-Blood is trying to turn the world away from God.

…

You know, this might actually be a set-up for a pretty interesting story. I mean, think about it: Camp Half-Blood goes under attack by a group of insane people that seek to exterminate everyone in that camp in the name of their twisted Gods. That kind of set-up might actually make for a pretty interesting story! And what’s better is that you already have a really diabolical villain! Jerry would be a great villain in this case, driven insane by his quest to do stuff in the name of whatever God he worships! That would be a great story, and it would be really interesting if it was told from the point of view of the bad guy, so that we could really see his insanity and delve into his mind!

But unfortunately, I think we all know what this author really had in mind when he wrote this:

(fear all you athiest, jewish, muslim, buddhist and all others that defy this great God that will punish you and send you to hell, where you will burn for in all eternal history, where your body will torn apart, and spread across a endless, lifeless land, where you will be eaten by all foul breast. You will all be punish, all of you. God does not put up with such evil things with this God fearing nation. And that nation is not just America, but all of the world. This is Gods world! And you athiest must convert, pray for all your wrong doings, and believe that our lord Jesus Christ is the one and only true God! Amen).

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is another mid-chapter author’s note which says the exact same thing that the bit of extended author tract from the previous chapter told us.

*BAM*

If you want to write a fic about Christianity which involves Percy Jackson, then fine, write that fic. But the absolute least you can do is to avoid getting all author-tracty while you do so! Jesus Christ on a pikestaff!

*shakes head*

Okay, so you’re planning to exterminate Camp Half-Blood. Where are you going to begin?

So we decided that we will attack a rational study group,

Yes, let’s attack the study group that actually cares about finding things out about people that don’t believe the same things they do! How dare they make an attempt to understand the world around them!

for they work foul thins which the lord Jesus Christ forbid.

As I recall, I don’t think there was ever a verse in the Bible which prohibited Christians from eating Wheat Thins.

We brought hundred of our most faithful servents to come along to see such Godful work!

“All hail Stan” they yelled.

*blink*

Whoah, hold on there, Jerry. I think you need to reconsider your recruitment methods there, ‘cause I’m pretty sure that saying “all hail Stan” would actually make you a Scientologist rather than a Christian.

“We will serve the devil. We will corrupt the nation of God to bring everyone too hell, where they will will burn for in all eternal history, where their body will tourn apart, and spread across a endless, lifeless land, where they will be eaten by all foul breast. We must KILL GOD! GOD IS DEAD!”

Oh! BelieverInChrist meant Satan, not Stan!

…

*BAM*

I’d seriously reconsider your recruitment methods, Jerry. If these one hundred of “your most faithful servents” are all shouting “we will serve the devil”, then you should probably think about giving your recruiters a pink slip the size of Noah’s ark.

I was so dishearten by this comment that I want to rip the mans head of and fed it to the dog.

Or, you can kill them in your imagination. I guess that works too.

“Behold the greatest servent of the lord” I yelled to those foul things that call themselves people. “I have come to kill you all in the glory of our lord Jesus Christ”.

“On behalf of our Satanic god Zeus, God of Whores, we will slain you all.

You will “slain” them all? Sorry, random speaker, I think you’ll find that it’s a little hard to say you will do something when you’ve already done it! Or is she saying she’s already done it and they haven’t actually started yet…? Is she saying they will do something and they’re so good it might as well have been done…? I… I don’t…

*ponders word choice*

And we will send to hell!” said Clarisse La Rue, the leader of such an evil gang.

And we will send to hell…?

What? Are you going to send a Nintendo 3DS to hell so Satan can play video games? Are you going to send a microphone down there? Are you going to send him a FedEx package? What, random daughter of Ares who was only in this fic for two paragraphs!? What!?

Mad as I could be, I ran towards her and sliced of her unholy, God-riding hair!

Well, if nothing else, I can’t fault Jerry for wanting this lady’s hair. If that thing had been around God’s… staff (*ahem*), then I’m sure most “fundamentalists” would want to do naughty things to it too.

Her head rolled on the ground as the unbelievers scream.

Wait a sec. So you chopped off a lock of her hair with… uh… something (for all we know, he could’ve cut Clarisse’s hair with a paper clip), and that somehow caused her head to start rolling? What is going on here?

As the began to run we cached up to them and killed them all.

Wait, you “cached” up to them? So you killed them all… by running and hiding. Or were you just running off to put Clarisse’s hair with all the other hair you’ve indulged your hair fetish with over the years? ‘Cause either way, I imagine it would make your job of killing them a bit harder than you might think.

We left the bodies to rot in the group, for they did not deserved to be buried. We left people to guard the bodies, to stop any of the unbelievers into getting them.

And by now, I think you’re starting to notice my other big problem with this fic. Well, you’ve probably noticed it before now, but here’s where it really begins to get apparent.

See, this fic involves a far worse instance of “show, don’t tell” than any other fic I’ve snarked at here at the Library. Yes, even Parallel Realities was better about “show, don’t tell” than The Prayer Warriors. See, this author wants us to perceive that Jerry and the Prayer Warriors (which, by the way, we still don’t know all that much about) are the good guys, and they’re there fighting the good fight for the Lord. He also wants us to perceive that the denizens of Camp Half-Blood are evil devil-worshippers who want to do stuff.

And yet, apart from all the stuff where these characters make over-the-top declarations of how much they love to worship Satan, we haven’t really seen anything that villainous from the supposed villains of this piece. If anything, the villains of the piece are actually decent human beings from what we’ve been shown so far.

And our heroes? So far, our heroes have been shown as a group of asshats who will resort to mass murder if you believe in other gods. What makes it worse is that they don’t perform any good acts: I have yet to see any mentions of them healing the sick, feeding the hungry, caring for the poor… you know, the kind of thing that any real Christian would think about. No, all they do is kill Satanists—which, if you think about it, goes against the Ten Commandments. You know, it violates that one commandment that says thou shalt not kill!!!!!!! So not only are our heroes massive hypocrites, but they can never be likable on virtue of the fact that they judge everyone according to what religion they practice, and then kill them if they don’t practice Christianity.

Which wouldn’t be as bad as it was, if this wasn’t author tract! But it is, and so it only reinforces what we see in the pointless paragraphs of author tract and the mid-chapter author’s notes that BelieverInChrist is a hateful little shit. I just… how can you call yourself a Christian if this is how you choose to exhibit your Christianity!?

*headdesk*

Man, I’m going to be here all day if I keep going at that little bit. Let’s just move on before I give myself a concussion.

The memory of the just is blessed: but the name of the wicked shall rot. -Proverbs 10:7

Oh, what a coincidence: I was just about to say the same thing to BelieverInChrist.

And we came across a temple that is a worship ground of the evil goddess Artemis, where she and her daughters kill holy lambs to the god of whores. And it made me sick!

*BAM*

Artemis was a virgin! She took a strict vow of chastity, and never ever broke it. In fact, she directly caused the death of the only guy who ever saw her naked! I have no idea why the hell you’re trying to imply that Artemis is a whore, but I just thought I’d point that out.

And besides, let me point something out to you: you sacrificed a sheep earlier in the fic, Jerry! Seriously, when Artemis does it it’s a sin, but when you do it for almost the exact same reason it’s a virtue!? Were you even paying attention to yourself when you quoted Deuteronomy 12:30 in the first chapter!?

*BAM*

Oh my God, Jerry is an idiot.

Let’s just keep going.

“You must all be punish” I yelled to the sinners, the filth of the Godful world that our lord Jesus Christ rules over for eternal history, ever and ever, amen and amen! “You must boy down to our God (the only truth that must be offered in this day and age) or witness the wrath of Jesus of Nazareth, who is the one and only true God! Amen. Commit!”

“Bear witness to the wrath of Jesus Christ, whose supernatural powers were only used to help the people around him rather than to punish them for not believing in him! Kneel, for you are in the presence of the wrathful being who never once struck the people who ended up crucifying him with lightning! Bow down to him, you simpering apes, and fear his non-existent wrath!”

“We will never bowed down to your Godful kind, for we want to corrupt the youth and bring war upon the world. WE ARE THE CAUSE FOR EVERYTHING, INCLUDING WORLD WAR 1 AND 2, THE WAR IN IRAQ, AND THE VIETNAM WAR. WE WANT TO BRING SUFFERING TO EVERYONE! We will send every single God fearing Christian servents of the lord Jesus Christ to the death row! You will all be punished” said Annabeth, Zeus most famous whore!

Okay, who let Annabeth take lessons on how to be an over-the-top villain from the Illusive Man’s evil doppelganger?

“All praise and glory to Jesus Christ, to whom I owe everything” I declared to the Dogful and Christian like world!

Annabeth laughed. “Those ways are old and tired. Our way is much better” she screamed.

You know, because Greek myths didn’t predate the life of Christ by at least two thousand years or anything like that.

“But at least our way works!

No it doesn’t, asshole! It just scares people away from your religion, because why the fuck would any sane man want to be part of a crazy cult that kills people for not believing in what they believe in?

Amen” I said to the Satanic and filthful whore. So I charged at her, grabbed her hair,

“…and then proceeded to sniff it. I hadn’t gotten my fix that day, what did you want me to do?”

and dragged her across the muddy and filthful road, where I got an axe and sliced her head open, and let all kinds of Godful worms eat her alive, letting none of her brain to survive.

And not only is this douchebag gleefully killing people for a flimsy reason, but he’s doing so in ways that would make Jigsaw blanch in shock.

I’m sorry, are we supposed to be rooting for you? Because I find that to be damn near impossible to do.

THE WHORE WAS FINALLY DEAD! AMEN AND AMEN AND AMEN!

And we had a holy party where we prayed to God and sang hymns of his greatness and glory. We did not drink, nor did we have sex, for that will make us look bad.

Jerry, you spend most of your time killing people in brutally horrifying ways for an especially insane reason, and you’re celebrating that fact with a party: I don’t think there’s anything that a drunken orgy could do to worsen your image at this point.

We were Christians and did not live like those filthy Atheist that mush all die! Amen.

Oh, believe me Jerry, I have met plenty of “filthy” atheists that had better morals than you do. I’d rather live like them than live the way you do.

PS: Priest do not have sex, so the church is not in trouble. It is holy and will be obey by all people!

You realize that people like you are the reason I stopped willingly going to church for seven years, right? It won’t be obeyed by all people as long as nutcases like you are allowed to dictate the direction the church goes on.

*groan*

And the crazy part? A lot of people say that BelieverInChrist is a troll. (And indeed, some parts of the history seem to confirm that.) Now, I’m not discounting that BelieverInChrist real: I live in a world in which Shirley Phelps-Roper is allowed to do her thing without a nuclear bomb somehow going off directly over her head. Seriously, these kinds of people are really unabashed about their insanity, even if they just do most of their things for attention. So I don’t believe that he’s a troll.

However, the really wild part is this: if BelieverInChrist is in fact a troll, that just makes the whole situation worse, and on a certain level it’s actually kind of sad. If BIC is in fact a troll, he’s essentially exploiting the nutcase part of modern-day Christian America and perpetuating the stereotype of the hateful Christian: worse, he’s doing it all for attention. I just… how desperate does a man have to be if he thinks that the best way to get people to notice him on the internet is to pretend that he’s a crazy Pat Robertson type? If you really think about that, it’s kind of depressing…

*groan*

Ah, well, at least he left some wonderful snark bait. Either way, that doesn’t change.

Well, that’s the first two chapters of this thing. Believe me, this fic is not going to get any better from here on out.

So stay tuned for next week when I wade through more of this spectacular piece of ass.

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