127: The Shiny Thing – One Shot

Title: The Shiny Thing
Author:
Media: Book
Topic: Wrinkle in Time
Genre: Sci-Fi / Supernatural
URL: The Shiny Thing
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

Up next in the “why is this listed under this title??” category (see:  911 Short Story) is the very short story “The Shiny Thing,” found in the “Wrinkle in Time Trilogy” section.

“A Wrinkle in Time” is a favorite book of mine.  I remember reading it in 3rd grade with my teacher and 2 other advanced students.  That probably has a lot to do with why I am the nerd I am today.  But none of that really matters, because this story has no connection at all to anything in the books.  And that’s not just my opinion, 2 reviewers had the same thought, so it’s not like I’m missing something subtle here.

The story is very short, so I will be sharing it in its entirety with line-by-line snark.  I know you’re excited.

THe Shiny Thing

Such a creative title!

By Hannah Compton

“Oooooo shiny!” Heather says while picking up a shiny necklace.

I have to say, present tense narration tends to irritate me.  So we’re not starting off well.

“Heather, what have i told you about picking up stuff off of the filthy ground?” Heathers older brother, Mark, says while yanking the necklace from her hands.

Who else saw the movie “Heathers”?  Creepy, isn’t it?  Well, dark comedy this is not.

“Mark, give it back meany!”

So I’m guessing Heather is 6?

“Heather, no.”

He sounds like her father.

Mark says while holding the shiny necklace over his head. You see Heather and Mark are to teenagers who love to disagree with each other. Heather brushes her long, blond, silky hair from her face, and starts to jump trying to reach the necklace Mark has held over his head.

This should not have been a new paragraph.  Also, “you see” has no place in a well-narrated story.  We encountered this in Smurf of the Dead.  This is not a casual chat, it’s a story, and very few writers can successfully pull off that type of narration style.  You are not nearly that good, author.  By the way, you mention twice that he’s holding the necklace over his head twice.

And they’re teenagers???????????????????????  What teenagers sound like that?

Oh wait, it says “Heather and Mark are to teenagers.”  Maybe it’s an incomplete analogy!  Let’s play:

Heather and Mark are to teenagers as this fic author is to _______.
a.  a talented story teller
b.  a mature writer
c.  a master of description
d.  ::headdesk::

(The correct answer is pi.  it all sucks)

“Mark! Give it!”

Still no.

“No Heather, this necklace is to small to fit over that large nose on your face.”

Ok, that’s a little more like something a teenage boy might say to his sister, though I never had a brother, so I can’t be sure.

“Mark, that was mean, and my nose isnt large, my face just hasnt grown to fill my nose.” She says while holding her nose.

I’m noticing that the author hasn’t used any apostrophes yet.  She knows how to use quotation marks, so she knows where the key is, but it seems she doesn’t realize that it does something if it’s used without the shift key.

Also, why is Heather holding her nose?  Does Mark or the necklace smell bad?  I don’t think holding your nose will really hide it or make it fit your face better.

Heather and Mark continue to fight over the necklace when Heather reaches it. They start to play tug-of-war with it when it breaks into two pieces.

The author’s use of “when” in both these sentences confuses me.  I don’t even know how to interpret them.  But I get that it ends with the necklace breaking, to no one’s surprise but the characters’.

“Now look what you’v done Heather. You broke it!”

Hey, look, an apostrophe!  Too bad the word is still wrong.

“Well maybe I woulnt of broke it if you wouldnt have called my nose large!”

“Wouldn’t of” is bad grammar, but is how people speak, so I’ll give the author a pass on that one.  But Heather’s logic here escapes me.  How did the insult lead to the breaking?  I would have thought it was the fact that Mark grabbed it and she tried to grab it back.

Also, why would she admit to breaking it?  The proper response in this situation is “I didn’t break it, you did!”  Duh.

Heather tosses the half of the necklace into the lake on the right of them. Mark does the same and starts to walk back to the house, when he hears Heathers scream.

So instead of holding on to the pieces to maybe try to fix it, you throw them in a lake?  Polluters!  It’s because of people like this that our planet  is in such bad shape.

“MARK! HELP ME!”

Good thing to scream – specific and concise!

Mark looks back and sees Heather being pulled into the water by a mysterious water form.

Was it awoken by the necklace?  Is it made of water?  It is a form that was living in the water?  It may be mysterious, but some description would be nice.

“Hold on Heather! Im coming!”

“But first, let me go change into my superhero outfit.  I don’t want you to recognize me when I rescue you!”

Mark pulls Heather out of the water. The water form disappears back into the lake.

Well, that was easy.

“Thank you Mark! I thought i was goner.”

Aww, sweet.

Mark hugs Heather and rings out her wet hair.

What is he doing to her hair??  Is that appropriate between siblings?

“Heather, just because we fight doesnt mean I dont love you!”

Aww, so touching.  ::retch::

“Ok, I wanna go home now.”

Still not.a.teenager.

Heather and Mark walk back to the house, but when they walk in something doesnt feel right. Mark and Heather walk into the kitchen and sit down at the table and watch there mom make dinner. There mom brings the dinner to the table when Heather and Mark notice the necklace they threw in the water on there moms neck. Heather and Mark looked at each other with scared faces. They knew this was the last time they would ever see the sky again.

Huh what?  What’s happening?  How did the necklace get “their”?  Is “there” mom a mysterious water form?  Is she going to eat them?  None of this makes any sense.

I’ll leave you to ponder this.  Until next week, don’t pick up anything shiny from the ground if you’re near a body of water, unless you have an obnoxious older brother there to save you.  And watch out for moms.

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