101: Smurf of the Dead – Chapter Three

Title: Smurf of the Dead
Author: Antrodextorm
Media: Television
Topic: The Smurfs
Genre: Horror / Tragedy
URL: Smurf of the Dead – Chapter Three
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

[Warning:  There is Smurf gore below, so if you’re easily sickened by that, you may want to skip this.]

Welcome back to our wonderfully well-written, wholesome, child-appropriate, fun, normal Smurfs fanfic.

Oh dear, I seem to have run out of adjectives.

Well, it’s wonderfully something, that’s for sure, but it’s nothing good.

Anyway, to recap:

Dabbler Smurf came running into the Smurf village bleeding.  He had been bitten by Wild Smurf, who had turned grey.  Papa Smurf bandaged him up and sent him home to the care of Chernov, his neighbor who just “happens” to be tall, green, and an author-insertion Gary Stu.  That night, things go quiet in Dabbler’s house.

The next morning, Chernov checks on Dabbler, hears only moaning, and leaves him alone.  Next Dopey checks on him, hears moaning, opens the door, and gets scratched.  He runs off unnoticed.  Next next, Smurfette checks on Dabbler, hears him banging against the door, and runs off to get Papa Smurf.  She finds him with a copy of Playsmurf, and we all took a break for some brain bleach.  After ignoring that, they go to Dabbler’s house and find Chernov kicking down the door.  Dabbler runs out, tries to attack Chernov, and is restrained and returned to his house.  Hefty is left guarding the door while Papa Smurf, Smurfette, and Brainy accompany Chernov back to his house to figure out what’s wrong with Dabbler.  After finding and kissing a picture of his mother, Chernov finds a book about the “Zombie Virus” by the fic author.  We’ve just gotten the rundown of what zombies can do when they hear a scream for help from outside.

And now, Chapter 3:

“That’s sound’s like Sassette!” cried Smurfette as she turns towards the door.

Wait, do I have to?

But the apostrophe!

And the tenses!!

::sigh::

Fine.  Bad author!

“Smurfette, wait!” cried Chernov, but it was too late as Smurfette has already left the building, “Mothersmurfer, don’t just stand there! Follow her!”

Well, that’s no better, but I do like “Mothersmurfer.”  That’s a great mental image, isn’t it?

You’re welcome.

Chernov, Brainy, and Papa Smurf ran after Smurfette as they past Hefty who was nonchalantly leaning against Dabbler’s house wall, Smurfette ran to her home to find the front door kicked open awhile other smurfs were standing nearby.

Comma splice.  “Past” for “passed.”  I’m not usually a violent person, author, but I’m starting to think about trading my red pen for a sturdy bat.

They all looked like they’ve seen a ghost, their faces don’t lie.

You know what else don’t lie?  Hips.

Again, you’re welcome.  I like to share.

Smurfette is warned not to go in, but of course goes in anyway, and is confronted with a gory sight.  Sassette has been disemboweled and a zombie Smurf is eating her and the room is covered in blood.  We know the zombie Smurf is Dopey because he has scratches on his stomach, and it was Dopey

who was scratched earlier by Dabbler not to long ago.

DRD, how can I connect your call, whom are you trying to reach?  …  The person you are trying to reach isn’t here today, your party is out until next week, I cannot connect you to that person at this time, I’m sorry, I apologize.

Also, “too.”

Smurfette was quick on realizing this, Chernov is right about the zombie theory after all.

I think that means that the Gary Stu was right.  What a surprise!

Dopey sees Smurfette and drops Sassette’s internal organs to begin the Zombie Shuffle towards Smurfette.  She runs out of the house and into Chernov, who pulls her out of the way to make room for the zombie.

Everyone is shocked by the sight of the zombie.

Not only was his skin is gray and his eye’s bloodshot red, his mouth, chest, and hands were covered in Sassette’s blood.

I’m shocked by the apostrophe.  His eye’s what?  I must know!!!

Chernov pulls out a handgun and delivers this great line:

“He’s not a smurf anymore guys,” he said, “He’s now a monster in smurf form, say hello to the living dead.”

He then empties his gun into the zombie’s torso to no effect, the zombie keeps on coming.  Chernov then reloads and kills the zombie with a single shot to the head.  Once the zombie’s down, Smurfette tries to run back into her house, but Chernov stops her by grabbing her hair.

Wait, what?

Her hair.

That’s not very nice at all.  I could handle the gore, but I think pulling of hair is crossing the line.  Ow.

I just have to share the next part in its entirety, because it’s just too awful to describe:

“Look at me Smurfette,” ordered Chernov as he grips Smurfette’s head and forced her to look at Chernov in the eyes, “It took 30 minutes for Dopey to turn, what do you think would happen to Sassette?”

Ok, now he’s manhandling her.  I call abuse.  Chernov is now officially an asshole hero.

Smurfette just stared at him in silence, her eyes were filling up with tears. “Now when we’re going to go in there, you are to remain silent. With all do respect, you should put her down with my firearm. Put the bullet straight into her skull, she won’t feel a thing since…

Too many errors to count.  “Do respect” for “due respect” is my unfavorite.

They heard something groaned inside, Chernov let’s go of Smurfette’s head and walks her inside. He hands Smurfette his gun as he closes her eyes with her hands to avoid seeing her sister, as Sassette has reanimate and is now crawling towards the two smurfs as she drags part of her digestive track. Smurfette aims the gun as Chernov places it in position, “Fire,” he whispered into her ear.

The tenses!  Why can’t the author just pick one?!?!?!?

Also, how can Smurfette aim at a moving target after Chernov closes her eyes?

Until now, the story mostly made sense, it was just written badly.  Now the sense is starting to slip.  Great.  At least I’m already halfway through.

Smurfette makes the miracle shot, not only hitting a small, moving target, but getting a clean enough headshot to make it a zombie kill.  Well, Chernov is helping her, so of course she makes the shot.

We then get some cryptic, barely-sensible dialogue:

“What about the other Smurflings?” asked a smurf from outside.
“Oh you just have to ask?” snapped Brainy.
“What about Baby Smurf?” muttered Smurfette.
“I know how this feels Smurfette,” explains Chernov, “I have experienced the death of a close loved one before but it is worse than what you’re feeling.”

And Chernov has just been downgraded from asshole to total douche.  “My pain is the worst pain.  You can’t possibly feel as deeply as I do.  I’m a Gary Stu.”

Blech.

Papa Smurf finally shows up, nearly vomits, and gets sent outside with a now-crying Smurfette while Chernov checks the rest of the house.  He finds the rest of the Smurflings in a closet upstairs.  They ask where Sassette is, and he answers with his characteristic tact:

“Dead,” said Chernov, “You want to see her pulverized corpse downstairs?”
“No,” said Slouchy.
“Okay then, let’s head outside before more problems persist.” said Chernov.

Douche and nonsensical.  My favorite combination.

Chernov does manage to spare the Smurflings the sight of the gore, and then takes over as leader.  He asks the assembled crowd if anyone had been bitten or scratched.

All the smurfs shook their heads as Chernov messes his hair with his hand […]

Really?  Really?  I mean, really?

Ok, moving on.

Chernov warns everyone to “stay sharp,” and then Hefty comes running up, bitten and dripping blood.  He explains that Dabbler got loose and bit him in the process, then makes this threat:

“I’m going to smurf him up so good.”

Remember that use of “smurf” above as part of an exclamation?  I warn you, don’t combine that thought with this.

Brain bleach in the next room, I’ll wait while you go get some.  I did warn you.

“You best do it now awhile you’re still alive,” said Chernov, “Within a few hours, your going to wind up as a zombie.”
Hefty gave Chernov an incredulous look, “Your serious?” he asked.
“Does a dead smurf lying on the ground tell you anything?” asked Chernov.
When Hefty noticed Dopey, his eyes went big. “You killed him?” he asked.
“He killed Sassette and scarred Smurfette for life.”

“Your” = possessive.
“You’re” = “you are.”

I’m warning you, author, I am this close to turning violent.  Stop testing me.

Anyway, Brainy points out that there are now more zombie Smurfs about.

[…] first there’s one, then two, then four, 8, 16, you get the picture.

So they’re dividing like cells?

That reminds me of joke:

How many amoebae does it take to change a light bulb?

1.
No, 2.
Wait, 4.
No, 8!

Yeah, I’m a science nerd.

Anything to not think about this fic.

But I suppose I can’t put it off forever.  At least we’re getting close to the end of the chapter.

Chernov gets all the survivors moving towards his house, telling them not to bother running because the zombies are slow.  When they’re halfway there, there are screams as some Smurfs get attacked by the zombies.  I guess they were even slower?

Once everyone’s inside, Chernov shows his technological superiority:

Chernov presses a button on the wall and sheets of metal descends from the windows and sealed them tight. This caused the room to go pitch black for only a few seconds, “Hold on, let me get a light.” he says as the smurfs hear him move things around, “Here we go.”
It was a flashlight, a rare piece of technology in le Pays maudit.

So, it’s an acknowledgement of being out of canon.  Which doesn’t really seem to make it any better.

Chernov gets a light, the nature of the virus is explained again for the newbies, and a head count is taken (17).  Not-a-zombie-yet-Hefty volunteers to go out and look for others, and Chernov says he’ll go with him

“[…] just in case you were to turn into one.”

…

I’m not sure what that means.

After a discussion of weapons – they need rifles and Mr. Crowbar – Chernov pulls out the “legendary M1 Garand” from under a couch cushion.

Of course.

The two head out, with a final goodbye from Chernov saying that if he’s not back in 48 hours, they should keep to the Code.

While he’s gone, Papa Smurf gets out the book (that’s really all it says) and starts looking for information on a cure.

Our chapter ends with a little more tense switching and the usual fake suspense:

“So how long is this going to last?” asked Handy.
“Depends if we do anything or not,” answers Papa Smurf, “The more we kill them, the closer will all this end.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

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