55: ITS MY LIFE – The Last Four Chapters

Title: ITS MY LIFE!
Author: MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video game
Topic: Portal
Genre: Listed as Adventure/Drama…
URL: ITS MY LIFE! : Chapter Fifteen
URL: ITS MY LIFE! : Chapter Sixteen
URL: IT’S MY LIFE : Chapter Seventeen
URL: ITS MY LIFE : Chapter Eighteen
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Today’s critique is a Super-Extended Edition – I’m going to cram the last four chapters into one update and as I attempt to stuff these ten pounds of literary manure into a five pound write-up, there’s bound to be some leakage. I hope you’re not wearing your good shoes.

While I’m overjoyed to be nearing the end of this dark, dank tunnel into the sewers of literature, I will miss …

:snort:

I will miss …

:coughs, clears throat:

I will …
​
:snergle:

Nope, couldn’t get through that with a straight face.

In the last few chapters the author manages to not only jump an already jumped shark, she does it backwards, blindfolded, while dressed in a frilly pink tutu.

And her bike’s on fire.

And the shark has been replaced with a school of mutant piranha armed with head-mounted lasers.

:passes out popcorn:

Enjoy!

Previously on ITS MY LIFE, Marissa was brought back from the dead (BOO!) when Past-Wheatly and the Oracle Turret force-fed her dead body some zombie-making potatoes. This somehow cured her massive head wound. As Marissa embraces her robot-ball baby-daddy, the narrative thankfully switches to the Distant Past. Evil Teen Fortress 2 decides to clone Marissa. The clown clone – called Assiram, Assirram, or Assram – is then sent out to do evil to prove she is evil. She does this by installing a computer virus in the recently built GLaDOS, turning her evil. After killing all the Evils, just because she is evil, Assy gives herself super-powers and forces the Goods to build her a time machine.

And we’re off!

But first …

:puts on Headdesking Helmet :

I have a feeling I’m going to need this.

CHAPTER FIVETEEN: THE JUDGEMENT OF ATLAS AN P-BODY

​
“Fiveteen”? Seriously?

There’s another ALL CAPS Author’s Note where the author whines about all the flames (or “FLAMEZ”) she has been receiving, and wonders if she might have jumped the shark and if she should end the fic.

YES. A thousand times yes. You should definitely go with that feeling.

There’s also a PS to let the reader know that this chapter takes place at the same “tim” as Chapter Fourteen.

That would be the same Chapter Fourteen that took place almost entirely in the Distant Past.

Yeah.

Marissa is overjoyed to be alive and is all over Past-Wheatly, telling him how much she loves him and that he is the best boyfriend ever. I guess “reanimated his dead girlfriend” doesn’t sound so squicky when you’re the girlfriend.
​
Past-Wheatly then blushes and asks Marissa to “merry” him. (No, I don’t know how a robot-ball would be able to blush.) She, of course, says yes and there is much o-mouthing and kissing of machinery.

:becomes violently ill:

After she finishes kissing Past-Wheatly so hard that he “go sparks” (:gags:) Marissa remembers why she was dead – because Atlas and P-Body had “SHOTTED” her. She is understandably upset and decides that the two robots should be “brot to judgement” for killing her. (Even though she is no longer dead, but I guess it’s the thought that counts.) They both get up from … somewhere and go off looking for the two robots.

 My powers were glowin like crazy round me with sparks and lighting, Wheatly was on his rale makin growls an sayin stuff to encorage me like “You can bloody do it Marrissa. Wank (TURNS OT IT REALLY IS A BRITSULT) them good!”

I’m going to guess that the ALL CAPS portion justifying her use of the word “wank” jammed into the middle of the dialog is meant to be an Author’s Note. If that’s the case – MarissaTheWriter, meet FrankieTheFryingPan.

:CLANG!:

Awww … I think he likes you!

​We followed a trale of drugs beer an playboy mags to there layer.

I’m still confused as to why the two robots, one of them now female, are interested in human titty mags. Unless P-Body really is a lesbian robot, but then how did Atlas get her pregnant? Is he really a she as well? Are they both hermaphrodites?

GAH! My brain hurts.

Some turrents that they got workin for them tried to shoot me up but I wasnt gonna fall for that a gain an had my shields at full power so the bullets bownced off me an hit them an they ​died.

Oh, well – Atlas and P-Body are dead. Justice is certainly quick in the future. Unless there was some pronoun confusion and it was the turrets whom were struck and killed … but really, how likely is that?

If you’ve been playing along at home, you already know the answer is “Very.”

Just lick I ekspected those two JERK ROBOTS were smokin drugs an drinkin beer (P-Body had a abortion becos shes a jerk an isnt pro-life the b****).

How does that even work? Did she go to a doctor, or did she have to go to some shady back-alley mechanic to get it done?

The two robots are shocked to see Marissa alive, and understandably so. She tells them that they forgot about the greatest power of all – “TRUE LOVE!” (Although in this case “true love” took the form of mutated tubers) and shoots … something at them.

An I fired a beem that made them start to glow an smoke (but not drug smoke sinse this hurt them). “You b**** what are you doin to us?” P-Body asked scarred but I didant listen and kept powerin up until BOOM BOOM BOOM they exploded.

Okay, now they’re dead. (For now. I’m not ruling out a last-minute reappearance by anyone at this point.)

What exactly was Marissa shooting them with – A gun? Her powers? A can of Silly String? I have no idea. It was super effective though.

After blowing up the two robots with whatever it was she used, Marissa hears a noise.

I herd a clickclak noise an it was… THE ORACLE TURRENT! “Did some body need to get merried?” He asked lolling an me an Wheatly nodded with heads.

Past-Wheatly doesn’t have a head – he’s a sphere. Basically, all of him is a head.

“Wheatly do you take Marrissa Roberts to be yur lawful merried wife?” “I bloody do!” “Marrisser do you take Wheatly to be yur lawful merried hubby?” “I do so much I ove you Wheatly!” “Then by the powar bested in me I pronouns you man an wife!”

It would seem that in the post-apocalyptic future world of Portal 2 it is possible for appliances to become ordained ministers. There must be a lot of Pastafarians around. Does this mean I can get my toaster to perform a wedding ceremony between me and my coffeemaker? We’ve been in a long-term relationship and I think he’s finally ready to settle down.

Wheatly an I kissed an the Orca Turrent shot confedi at us.

Next time use bullets, whale-bot.

After this wet-dream of Wheatley fangirls everywhere, they go to one of the “dorm places” – I think the author means the Extended Relaxation Center – where there are rose petals scattered around.

​”Now its time for are honeyman!” Wheatly happied an… (NO IM NOT WRITIN THAT YOU PERVS USE YUR IMAGINE)

I’m using my “IMAGINE” to picture a beautiful meadow filled with daisies and kittens. Anything so that I don’t picture what’s going to happen on their “honeyman.”

There’s one additional short paragraph before the chapter ends –

We didant notice at the time but a portal happened in the place where GLaDOS used to be befour I killed her in the final battle.

:headdesk:

The fic is written in first-person, more or less. If you your character is not in a location, then you the character doesn’t know what is happening there.

The last place GLaDOS was seen before “dying for real” was Chell’s ass shortly before she was sucked out of it via a black hole. Since Chell died shortly afterwards, I have to assume her corpse makes an excellent portal surface.

A gurl stepped out hoo was lick me but less hot an pretty an more evil. “Now I can kill Marrissa Roberts an take over the world!” Assirram lolled evily!

And how exactly does killing Marissa help Evil Assy take over the world? Is she Empress of the Earth and no one told her? And how big was Chell’s ass that it could support a portal big enough for Assy to step through?

Unfortunately, none of those questions are answered in the next chapter, which is titled;

CHAPTER 16: SHOWDOWN THRODOWN, THE FINAL CHAPTER!

True to form, there are two short chapters after “THE FINAL CHAPTER!”

And look, an Author’s Note that isn’t in ALL CAPS!

:faints:

Let’s see what she has to say.

Allrite guys here is is! The final chapter with most entense action an epic stuff in the hole story which will make all the flamerz an trolls sad that they killed SUCH A GOD STORY!

If by “entense action an epic stuff” you mean “confused and disjointed mess” then yes, you are completely correct.

Twelve weeks after the end of the last chapter the newlyweds emerge from their by now reeking and filthy love-nest to continue their adventures in failure. (That’s pretty impressive, actually. You would think Marissa would have died of dehydration by then.) They leave the “relax place” where they have spent their “honeymoom” only to find turrets shooting at them.

“Bloody hell those sods are wankin us!” I ran fast lick the scot in Meet the Scot so the ​bullets coldnt hit me an Wheatly was robot so they didant hurt him.

:CLANG!:

You remember Frankie, don’t you? He remembers you!

Once they newlyweds are out of range, Marissa makes a gun using her “Green Lanturn” (grrrr…) power and shoots all the turrets, even though she should not be aware of that particular power since it was her evil clown clone who used it before.

The turrents screemed lick a screemin thing that screems an they died.

:headdesk:

:ring-ring:

I am not answering that – it is The Redundant Department of Redundancy again, I just know it.

Past-Wheatly is confused as to where the turrets came from since all the bad guys (and everyone else) are dead. Marissa tries to use her Super Detective power but it is too hard so she decides that they should look around for “cloos.” This would be the same super power that allowed her to instantly know who her mother was, what the cause of the zombieism was, and where her evil uncle was going to shoot his “electric stuff” during their aerial dogfight. I guess finding the source of a few machines in a vast industrial complex is just too much for her Super Detective power. It’s not like there’s an automated production line for turrets. (Oh, wait … there is. You run right through it in the second game.)

They follow the turrets’ “trale” for awhile but they don’t see anything. Suddenly Marissa “herd a nose” (possibly with a tiny pony and a lasso made of “tishyous”) and they creep up to the “mane room where GLaDOS was befour she died for real.”

As I pointed out earlier, the last place GLaDOS was located before she “died for real” was Chell’s ass. Chell has been dead for the twelve weeks the happy couple was on their honeymoon and is probably in an advanced state of decomposition by now, so it shouldn’t be too hard to sneak up on her.
Marissa sees someone in Chell’s ass – it’s (dun dun DUN) ASSIRRAM!
There is what I assume is an Author’s Note, even though it is not indicated as such, where either the author or the protagonist (meh, same thing) acknowledge that they shouldn’t know who Assy is;

“Ekspet I didant no she was Assirram yet becos we hadnt met befour”

​:headdesk:

She will, of course, continue to refer to her by name in the narration even though the fic is written in first-person present tense.

And what does Past-Wheatly think about this?

​ “Oh my god save the queen Marrissa she looks lick you but less hot an pretty an more evil!”

​​
​
:CLANG!:

Frankie says “Hi.”​

Assy is an exact clown  clone of Marissa – she is genetically identical to Marissa and so closely resembles her that several people who knew Marissa though Assy was her. She would not be less “hot an pretty” but would in fact have the exact same amount of “hot an pretty” that Marissa-Sue has.

Marissa decides that this duplicate is bad news, as is the fact that Assy has the Android Hell portal gun. Didn’t Marissa have the Android Hell portal gun last? Why does her clown clone have it now?
In true Awesome McEvil fashion, Assy reveals her “clever” plan in a monologue while she thinks she is alone in Chell’s ass.

“Hahahaha! Now with the prototip portal gun I can make a portal to Andord Hell an let all the zomboys insid from when Atlas an P-Body throwed taters in there come out!” Assirram goated an shoot portal onto the wall.

Chell’s ass has walls? And a goat? Damn. Talk about having junk in the trunk.

Assy wasn’t around in the first chapters when the testing robots threw those zombie-making potatoes into Android Hell. She should not know anything about them, just as Marissa should not have known about her Green Lantern (grrr…) power. If she has all the same memories, thoughts, and feelings that the original Marissa-Sue has, then Assy would think and act exactly like her – which so far she has not. If she thought like Marissa-Sue does, she probably would have just claimed Marissa had brain damage, shot her in the head, and stolen her robot-ball baby-daddy by doing a provocative dance.

Assy conveniently shoots the portal so that there is a great big pile of zombies and zombie-robots on the other side just itching to come through – luckily she didn’t hit the zombie-equivalent of a bathroom or something like that.​

A bunch of zombies lick from Reisdent Evil an zombee robots came out lookin for me to kill becos we had un finished buziness. Assirram had to be stoped befour she cold make more bad guys or she wold take over the hole world!

:headdesk:

Assy is a clown clone of Marissa – she looks just like her. The zombies want to kill Marissa for some unknown and never specified reason. Zombies are not known for their high intelligence – wouldn’t they look at Assy, assume she is Marissa, and just kill and/or consume her?

Past-Wheatly is “scarred” and tells Marissa that this is “serios!” because “That bloody wanker is makin a monster army an if you dont stop her quick shell bloody kills us all!”

Frankie?

:CLANG!:

Thank you.

While they are still huddled outside of Chell’s ass:

​  “a big TV happened an it showed Assirram’s turrent an zombee armee killin all the city of Englond! “Bloody no! There killin the queen!” Wheatly britished but it was too lowd an Assirram herd him! “Ah so you have finally arrived my good twine.” Assirram lolled with evil.

:sigh:

A little help please, Frankie?

:CLANG!:

England (or “Englond”) is a country, not a city. You fail geography forever.

:CLANG!:

As discussed in previous chapters, “British” is not a verb. Please stop using it as such.

Marissa may or may not be made of string, so I’m just going to let that one pass.

Marissa demands to know who this woman who looks exactly like her (only less hot and pretty) is, so Assy tells her that she is an evil clown clone created to kill her and take over the world. (The Evils really only created her to kill Marissa, so the world domination thing must be more of a hobby.) Marissa is shocked into “o-mouthing” (ugh) because this makes perfect sense – even though it makes the exact opposite of sense.

Assy goes on to explain that while Marissa was “DOIN SEX” with her “dum robot ball hubby”, she was busy building a “supreem armee” and now Marissa can’t stop her from “destorying ever thing!”

You know, the evil clown clone might be thinking like Marissa after all – she has built her supreme army completely out of stationary robotic drones and hordes of the mindless robotic undead, machines you can defeat simply by knocking over or by removing their heads. Not exactly an army to be feared.

Marissa, who for some reason has very strong and ill-defined feelings about this, decides to blow her up with her super-powers.​

“Oh way well well just see a bout that!” An I used my powers to make a sheeld an a cannon like on a pirate ship but smaller so I cold use it lick a gun. BOOM BOOM BOOM BAM the cannon said as I fired it an dust wents every where.

:headdesk:

Time for a history lesson, boys and girls and that androgynous kid in the back who eats paste!

During the Age of Sail most seagoing vessels (including pirate ships) had mounted armament in the form of cannon for one of two reasons – to steal other people’s shit, or to keep other people from stealing their shit. These cannon could be many different sizes, depending on what caliber shot they fired, and were usually inaccurate and inefficient because each shot has to be loaded individually.

If you have the ability to create any weapon you desire, why would you make a handheld cannon when you could make one of those things that are like a cannon, only smaller and able to fire in rapid succession? What do they call those things again – rhymes with run?

When the dust clears, Assy and her zombie/robot/robot-zombie “Armee” are inexplicably still​standing in the same place and not painting the vast walls of Chell’s ass. Marissa instantly knows that the reason they have not been blow to tiny bits is that Assy has formed “SHEELDS” around them, so she decides to assault them with her bare hands.

:headdesk:

You fired a hand-cannon at them and it did nothing. Do you really think your fragile meatsack has any chance of surviving?

Oh, wait … She’s a Super-Sue. I keep forgetting. Those zombies/robots/zombie-robots don’t stand a chance.

I wold have to play it old school to stop them so I ran fast an did a spinnin jump kick which nocked some zombees heads off. More zombees got up an put turrents on there heads to shoot an run at both an charged me so I jumped in the are an used my powers to make a anvil the zombees got “OH SH**!” looks on there feces an the anvil droped down and made them go skwish.

I bet right after she dropped an anvil on them, she went “MEEP-MEEP” and vanished in a cloud of dust.

Rather than attack Marissa, Assy decides to weaken her by killing her “hubsand.” Assy apparently has never seen every action movie ever made where some innocent friend/family member/lover/acquaintance gets killed and the protagonist swears eternal vengeance, which is usually delivered with a sarcastic witticism and many awesome explosions.

Before Marissa can do anything, Assy charges at Past-Wheatly, ready to punch him into “teeny weeny pieces” but he blinds her with a flashlight.

That … doesn’t seem like it should work. Were they fighting in the dark?

Strangely enough, that’s the least nonsensical that happens during the following “showdown throdown.”

“Little Wheatly is a powerful bad arse now becos I have THE POWAR OF LOVE!” An he jumped off the rale an landed on Assirrams head an gave her a huge booboo. “GRRRRRR YULL PAY FOR THAT YOU B****!” Assirram meaned but some one got behind her with super speed an hit her in face with a crowbar!

:headdesk:

Someone got behind her, using super speed, and hit her in the face. They hit her in the face – from behind. ​

:headdesk:

How … You can’t … That’s not… HOW??!?!?

The guy lolled an I an Assirram both o-mouthed. “I am GORDON FREEMAN!” He said an hit Assirram a gain but this time she had a sheild. “Gordon what are you doin here?” I asked with shock an aww.

:headdesk:
​
Gordon Freeman is the main protagonist from the Half-Life series of games and is best known for two things – kicking alien ass with a crowbar, and NOT TALKING! Just like the testing robots and Chell, Gordon Freeman is a silent protagonist – he has no speaking parts at all during any of the games he appears in.

Just for giggles, let’s see what else the author has for Dr. Freeman to say.

“I was fightin the bad guys from half life (sorry I never played Halflife so I dont no much a bout it) when a boom happened so I investigated an saw all these bad guys an I looked like you needed some help lol.”

:headdesk:

You know nothing about the game and freely admit to knowing nothing about the game, and yet you felt compelled to include a well-known character from that game in your terrible fanfic.

: slaps author upside the head:

Stop writing about things you don’t know about.

: slaps author upside the head again:

In fact, stop writing all together.

Gordon punches through several zombies while Marissa just rips the turrets off of their heads. Since the turrets aren’t attached in any meaningful way, I think Marissa has the easier job. After killing “like three hundurd (movie refrence lol) of the bad guys” they realize that the portal to Android Hell is still open and more zombies/robots/etc… are still coming out of it.

Two of the many, many zombies shoot guns at Marrisa, possibly using some kind of gun that shoots other guns, but she snatches some bullets out of the air and throws them at the zombies to “headshot” them. After this amusing interlude, “the big zombee with rocket launchers from Reisdent Evil came out an it was the boss fight!”

:headdesk:

You are not actually in a video game, you are writing a fanfic that takes place in the same environment that a video game is set in. Unless it’s in-canon for the characters to be aware that they are in a game, a game-fic should not have any big boss fights.

: slaps author upside the head yet again:

Moron.

The big zombee uses the prototip Android Hell portal gun that it just happens to have to open another portal underneath Gordon. He falls in and “the zombees down there tore him into to halfs an he died.” His wife appears suddenly via Situationally Dependant Quantum Flux just in time to see him die.​

“No! Gorden!” His wife Alex What Ever cried. She coldnt live with out her solmate so she did sewised with her sord lick the Japanese.”

​
:headdesk:

If you are going to put a character in your fic, at least take the time to look up her fucking name.
The boss “zombee” takes out a rocket launcher (standard equipment on these late model “zombees”) and “shotted” at Marissa. The blast is so strong it breaks her shield and blows her up (YAY!) but the “sheed took most off the blast so I was only hurt a little.” (BOO!)

Clearly the author has no idea what happens when something explodes.

The zombee tries to shoot another “bom” at her but she “started runnin really fast until I WAS BEHIND HIM! Then I climed up is back an made a nife an braned him.”

:headdesk:

When you brain someone, you are using a blunt object to strike them in the head with sufficient force to crush the skull and damage or destroy the underlying brain tissue. Knives are not blunt objects – they are in fact sharp and pointy objects. It is not a good idea to confuse the two.
Assy is shocked and o-mouths “witha “OMFG” look on her dum feces” and offers this odd statement:

  “No one never killed him befour you are a worthy opponete.”

No one never didn’t not teach the author about double negatives. (I’m sure our resident editor Addicted Reader’s head just exploded. Sorry for that, AR.  [Thanks, the fic wasn’t hurting me enough.  : P  -AR])
Marissa and her evil clown clone face off for the last “final showdown.” All the “zombees” and turrets stop fighting to watch, perhaps erecting an impromptu set of dangerously unsafe bleachers so everyone can see.

​

​​ Assirram stepped towars me with a portal gun so made one withh my powers. This woldnt be a nomral battle it wold be… a portal battle!

:tightens strap on Headdesking Helmet:

Since I’ve already covered them in way-too-much detail in previous chapters, I’ll just mention that portals don’t work like any of the ones that appear in the “portal battle” do. Portal A links to Portal B, one portal by itself does absolutely nothing. You also need to be able to see what you are shooting the portal at, since they don’t adhere to just anything.

Assy makes the first portal into “the land of dinosaurs” where the two women fight briefly over a big volcano, possibly with hair-pulling and cries of “I saw it first! It’s my volcano!”​ Suddenly a “trex” eats Assy while they are fighting over the geothermal fissure like it’s a magma-filled Barbie doll, which makes Marissa happy.

​That’s it – the fight’s over!  Good night, everyone!

No, wait … Assy “explodd out of the trexs tummy gettin blood an branes every where.”

:headdesk:

It’s been a while since I took anatomy, but I’m almost positive that the brain isn’t located in the tummy.

Assy, now covered in trex goop,  kicks a “roundhose” at Marissa, but the Super-Sue makes a new portal and they both fall into space. Suddenly both of them are on the Death Star and Darth Vader is there.

I’ll say that again – they are both on the Death Star and Darth Vader is there.

“OMG!” Dark Vader OMGed so I punched his face off an turned out he was really… ASSIRRAM! “Did you really thot Id fall for that trick?” I said lolling.​

:headdesk:

:headdesk:

:headdesk:

She was with you when you fell through the portal and she was with you when you inexplicably appeared on the Death Star – how in the twelve circles of flaming hell did she turn into Darth Vader??!?

Also – you punched a man who can kill you with his brain in the face on the off chance he was really the woman who should be standing right beside you. How did you manage to survive for more than five minutes in GLaDOS’ death-trap puzzles?

After the suicidal face-punch, they both make a portal together and end up in the Distant Past. Gabe-Cave, the Teen Fortress crew, and Ratman just happen to be standing where the portal opens and they just happen to have a large stockpile of “weapons an cannons” with them.

Wow, that was convenient!

The author feels the need to mention that Ratman “still had the space core an rick core for balls so he coldint be crotch-punched” even though this particular version of Ratman is in the Distant Past before he installed his steel testicles/tentacles. Is crotch-punching really that much of an epidemic that high school students are replacing their balls with massive metal ones?

I can see the PSAs now: “Crotch-Punching – Don’t Let Your Son or Hermaphroditic Offspring Become the Next Victim.”

The assembled good guys offer to help Marissa kick Assy’s ass, but she tells them to go through the portal they had just came through to “kill all the zombees an turrents instead!”

:headdesk:
​
Do you remember the last place they were? The author doesn’t. That portal they are all rushing through will take them to the Death Star and a very pissed off (and presumably naked) Darth Vader instead of the robot-zombie-turret-things.

Defying all logic, they arrive back at “Portal Labs” and defeat the hordes of turret-headed zombie-robots there. According to Marissa –

“The battle was epic butt I was to bissy fighting Assirram to watch an see.”

:snergle: Epic butt.

Assy is understandably upset at the thought of her army being destroyed and attacks Marissa:

    Assirram looked realy mad an assirammed me in stomach where my robot ball/humon baby was!

:headdesk:

:CLANG!:

Thank you, Frankie.

A proper name is also not a verb – do not use it as such.

Punching, kicking, or shooting someone in the crotch or lower abdomen seems to be a very common theme in this world. Instead of reacting as a normal person would – doubling over and clutching their stomach, possibly while vomiting – Marissa instead goes instantly to her Angry Place.​

“NOOOOOOOOO!” I screemed with mad at the abortion of my babby. “This is the final straw Assirram no more fighting only KILL!”

Shouldn’t you wait until you see a doctor, or possibly an engineer, before you start freaking out about a possible miscarriage? And what exactly were you doing before – playing tiddlywinks? Weren’t you already trying to kill her?

My hole body glowed brite gold an there was a huge boom an Assirram becomed a skelton. Then the skelton died.

And then it turned into ash. And the ash burst into flames.

After the epic battle – which consisted of them portalling to a few different places, Assy punching Marissa in the belly, and Marissa blowing herself up – Marissa passes out. She wakes up in “the Mediks doktor room with lots of toobs an IVs an stuff” in her and Past-Wheatly is there spouting more faux-British nonsense I’m not going to repeat because it makes my eyes bleed, but he is happy that she didn’t die. (Again.)

​ Wheatly cried an hugged me which was hard for him to do becos he was a robot ball an didant have arms.​

:headdesk:

Let’s just move on, shall we?
​
Marissa is sad because she thinks Assy’s single punch to her stomach has caused her to lose her human/robot-ball baby, but Past-Wheatly (with still more faux-British nonsense) tells her that the child is “alife!”

In the Medik came in with a little robot ball/human baby gurl smilin he said “It was a MIRAKLE!” The Medik gaved me my baby an I looked into her feces an felt happiest ever.

Again with the feces. It’s a good idea to check a baby’s diaper regularly, but c’mon.

They decide to name the product of their unholy union Chell, to “onor” Marissa’s dead sister. After a few “moths” Marissa is all “heeled up” from her birthing and blowing-up experiences and ready to go back to her time period with the baby and her substitute robot-ball baby-daddy.

Before they head back to Marissa’s time period, the President “congradulated” them for saving the world and gives everyone a medal, because the whole “don’t tell anyone you’re from the future or you’ll corrupt the time stream” thing only applies to situations where you’re not getting Presidential bling. The President also takes Atlas’ dead robot body (presumably the one that was crushed flat by a fat Russian kid) and puts Past-Wheatly in it so he can change Chell’s “dippers.”

There is a final tearful farewell with someone I’m assuming is Gabe/Cave but could possibly be the President:

“Marrissa if yur mom cold see you now an wasnt a evil robot computer she wold be sooooo proud.” I smiled with tears in eyes an me an Wheatly an baby Chell went thru the portal back to Portal Labs for the last time. It was crazy, but ITS MY LIFE!

(And then everyone exploded. The end.)

There is a short “EPILOG” that explains what happened to GLaDOS’ bits after they were sucked out of Chell’s ass by the black hole.

Meenwhile in space a black hole opened an shooted GLaDOSs peaces out. “Haha I am still alife now I can get my true revenge on Marrissa Roberts!” Then the zombees from Dead Space was there an GLaDOS got a “OH F***!” look on her feces an the zombees ate her an she died.

​
(And then the zombies burst into flame, while still in space, and died.)

It comes as no shock that the black hole did absolutely nothing to GLaDOS, since the author has demonstrated a remarkable lack of any knowledge of the subject, but I am curious as to why she felt the need to include the zombies from yet another video game when she already had plenty of her own.

True to form, there are two more chapters after “THE END”, but they are short and pointless so I’m just going to skim through them for you.

First up is Chapter 17, with the catchy title of – ​

NOT A REEL CHAPTER BUT A MASSAGE

​ You know, I could certainly use a massage after sitting through this mess, but how does this work? Do I have to rub my laptop over my body, or will you be emailing me a masseuse?

The entire chapter consists of these two sentences;

THIS ISNT A REEL CHAPTER BU SOMEON asked me if they cold make a ITS MY LIFE movie bu was anon so I coldnt reply. Yes you CAN! Pleese show me it meams the story is the best portal one ever becos I dont think any others got movies. =D

I have tried to find the comment she is referring to, but I can’t seem to locate it. Given the tone of most of the other reviews, I will assume it was loaded with sarcasm and veiled threats.

And the actual final chapter, Chapter 18 or:

CREDITS SONG: IM STILL WANT YOU GONE

:headdesk:

In the standard ALL CAPS Author’s Note, she again makes a reference to someone making a movie from her fic, and that she has forgotten something –

ANYAY I REMBERED THAT ALLS THE PORTAL GAME END WITH SUNGS AN I FORGOT TO PUT 1! SO THIS IS THE NEW SONG FOR ITS MY LIFE! ALSO BECOS THIS SHUDDA BEEN PART OF THE REAL LAST CHAPTAR ILL ASLO PUT A PREFEW OF MY NEW STORY TEEN FORTESS 2!

:deadpan: Oh, no. She forgot to end her sophomoric attempt at literature with a “sung”. My life has no meaning now.

The “sung” is prefaced by a single sentence to set the scene –

​ ​GLaEDOS was in space but befour she was got eaten by the zomboys from Dead Space she looked round an saw earth an thot a bout Marrissa an Wheatly an Chell an ever thing so she sang a sung.

And I’m sure you all want to see the “sung” she singed! Errr … sang!

It’s loosely based on the actual end credits theme from Portal 2 – Want You Gone by Jonathan Coulton – but she has changed pretty much all of it.

SO NOW IM SPACE

LIKE WHEATLY WAS

BUTT LEAST IM STILL ALIVE STILL

MARRISSA ROBERTS

THE BEST TESTER EVAR

​

Of course she was the best tester ever, she was a frickin’ Mary Sue. She was the best everything ever.

​​

I HOPE THAT SHE AN WHEATLY

DIE IN A FIRE BECOS IM MEEN

THATS WHAT IM COUNTIN ON

I WANT THOSE JERKS DIED BU

​

GLaDOS is somehow planning on Past-Wheatly and Marissa dying in a fire, just because she’s mean? I’m not seeing how that’s possible.

​

IM STILL WANT YOU GONE

SOME PEPOLE WERE WENT DEAD

​

​”Were went dead”?

:headdesk:

​

IT WAS KINNA SAD LICK CAVE JONSON

AN CHELL BUT SHES BOOTY QUAKIN IN HEVAN!

​

Will that damned dance never die?!?!?!

RATTMANN DIDT THO HES ACTUALLYA STILL ALIFE!

​

No, he’s very dead. Even with metal testicles/tentacles, people can’t survive in the vacuum of space – which is where he ended up.

​

WITH RICK AN SPACE FOR BALLS HE MIGHT

HAVE NEW VENTURES MAYBE A SEEKWILL

WINK WINK LOL GUYS!

​

​And she’s already forgotten that this is supposed to be sung by GLaDOS and not Marissa/the author.

​

BUT IM IN SPACE FOR NOW SO

IM STILL WANT YOU GONE!

MARRISSA AN WHEATLY

AN CHELL JUNOR TO

HAVIN MORE ADVENTERS?

MAYBE SOMEDAY BU FOR

TEEN FORTESS 2!

THEERS NO TEEN FORTESS 1

​

And yet more confusion over who is actually singing this song.

AN IM STILL WANT YOU GONE!

UH OH MORE ZOMBOYS

I DONT THNK THEY LICK THE TATERS

PLEESE DONT EET ME I NEED

TO REVENGE MARRISSA!

OMFG THAT HURTS YOU B*****!

​

Don’t worry, GLaDOS – you’re evil! Evil people (and evil sentient computer systems) are allowed to curse all they want!

​

AN THOSE DUMB FLAMERZ PUTTIN

SALT IN MY THINGS AN HOSE

WELL YUR NOT MY PROBLEM

​

Again – this is supposed to be GLaDOS, not the author.  :thumbs up:  Good job maintaining the fourth wall!

​​

BECOS IM STILL WANT YOU GONE

IM STILL WANT YOU GONE

IM STILL WANT YOU GONE…

​

And with that, the zombies from Dead Space show up “an eat her an she died.”

And that is really the end. There’s a bit more, because the author seems to suffer from some bizarre form of fanfic-related  hypergraphia, but it’s a “preview” of her next fanfic, which I would not touch for all the solid-gold hot tubs filled with Godiva chocolate in the world.

WOOO-HOOO!  It’s finally over! Now I can finally start drinking away the memories!

The terrible, terrible memories.

:shudders:

So … Much … Booty Quaking …

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