50: ITS MY LIFE – Chapters Thirteen and Fourteen

Title: ITS MY LIFE!
Author: MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video game
Topic: Portal
Genre: Listed as Adventure/Drama…
URL: ITS MY LIFE! : Chapter Thirteen
URL: ITS MY LIFE! : Chapter Fourteen
Critiqued by Ghostcat

:A pile of haphazardly stacked bottles shivers; the top layer shears off like an iceberg cleaving from a glacier and then tumbles to the floor, revealing a soggy beanbag chair:

Hoo-boy. What a party. Why is it so dark in here?

:removes Batman panties from head:

… I don’t think these are mine …

:checks:

Nope, not mine.

Awesome!

:notices readers:

Look, I got free undies!

So when we last parted ways, I was delirious with joy at the passing of our dear Marissa-Sue, who was (not so) tragically shot in the head by one of the testing robots.

Thank you, voodoo doll I bought off of eBay. I will sacrifice many goats to you.

Sadly I know my joy will be short-lived, as there are a few more chapters to go.

:sigh:

I guess I have to get started sooner or later.

:deeper sigh:

:suddenly dives back under bottles:

No! I don’t wanna! You can’t make me! I won’t do it! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

…SEVERAL HOURS LATER…

I’m doing it, okay? I said I’d do it and I’m doing it.  Put the cattle prod down, Lyle – I’ll be good.

So I guess I should do the recap – Marissa died. It was the best day ever. The end. Welp, that’s all…

~BZZZZTT!~

Dammit, Lyle!

Okay, in the last two chapters Marissa returned to her present with Past-Wheatly only to find that her assless sister now had GLaDOS for a butt. After running away through a flock of ducks Marissa falls on top of Ratman, who has giant steel testicles. He’s sucked into space later. The testing robots help Marissa to create a black hole that sucks GLaDOS’ bits out of Chell, killing them both (again). Marissa is then shot in the head by the testing robots. Which was AWESOME.

Now grab your pardner and do-si-do…

CHAPTER THIRTEN: MARRISSAS RESSUREKSHUN

I hate you, Marissa. Both of you. So much. It’s like I’m giving birth to a hate-baby in my brain.

The ALL CAPS Author’s Note for this chapter goes on for a bit about how many reviews the story has gotten, even if most are from “DUM FLAMERZ”.

Sweetheart, I would be more concerned with what the reviews are saying (most are wishes for your slow and painful death) rather than how many you are getting. It’s quality, not quantity. (Right, fellas? wink-wink, nudge-nudge)

There’s also a PS and PPS I’d like to share.

PS MARRISSA DIED THAT PROOVES SHES NOT A MARRY SUE OK!

:headdesk:

Bloody Burgers, you are a moron. Every single action up until she died proved she was a Mary Sue. Killing her off does not change that, since you didn’t go back and change anything that made her a Mary Sue. Especially since you are bringing her back to life, unchanged and unaffected in any way, in the next chapter. The chapter you specifically title “Marissa’s Resurrection,” removing all doubt that she will actually remain dead.

GAH!

:rubs forehead:

I think my hate-baby is a breech birth.

PPS THIS HCAPTER IS FROM WHEATLY POV

Oh, goody. More faux-British nonsense. Can I borrow that cattle prod, Lyle? Thanks, you’re a peach.

You might want to get those bites looked at, I can’t remember when my last rabies booster was.

Past-Wheatly is upset that his baby-momma is dead from “a gun shoot to her soddin head an blood an branes were all over ever were.” He glares at the testing robots and terrifies them with the power of his stare.

 I gared at Atlas an P-Body hoo killed the one thing I loafed an shouted “YOU BLOODY BUGGERS IM GONNA WANK YOU!” But I didnt have arms so i cold not hurt them but I sooooooo mad they ranned off any way. Bloody sods.

~BZZZZTT!~

“Wank” is not the word you want to use here. Or ever again.

The last time we saw Past-Wheatly he was stuffed down the front of his baby-momma’s jumpsuit, enjoying her squishy funbags and growling in a completely non-threatening manner. Now he’s suddenly so terrifying that the two armed testing robots, who can actually perform physical actions besides “rolling around” back away from him? Wheatley is one of the least threatening-looking characters in the entire game series.

Past-Wheatly is so very sad that his baby-momma is dead that he cries “bloody bukets of robottears” and is contemplating “commitin sewiside” like GLaDOS did (because that worked out so well for her) when a turret walks up to him.

:headdesk:

Turrets can’t walk.

But this isn’t any ordinary turret, it is the so-called Oracle Turret!

The Oracle Turret does appear in Portal 2 – when walking along  the Turret Redemption Line (a conveyor belt feeding turrets into an incinerator) you can pick one up and it will spout what sounds like nonsense but are actually clues to later parts of the game. That’s it. I think it says maybe five or six sentences total.

Past-Wheatly tells the Oracle Turret to go ahead and kill him so that he can be at peace, an idea I fully endorse, but it tells him that it knows how to bring Marissa back to life.

Where is that portal gun to Android Hell when you need it?

 No bloody way I o-mouthed in all the shock. “How can she life wen her hed sodding exploded?” I britished at him for tryin a get my hopes up.

If past experiences in this fic are anything to go by, a headshot is just a minor inconvenience. Like a hangnail or superfluous third nipple.

Also;

~BZZZZTT!~

We do not use “British” as a verb.

“Rember that she has the speshal powers, one of them is that wen she eats the zombee taters instead of become a zombee wen she dies she just becomes alife a gain!” It all made sense, the turrent was a bloody geinus! “Common lets wankin go!”

~BZZZZTT!~

You used that word again.

And it makes no sense. At all. How does the turret know this? Did it shoot Marissa in the head and then somehow feed her ventilated corpse some zombie-making potatoes and ​watch her come back to life? And more importantly, does it have video of this experiment that I could watch over and over again and use as my screensaver?

Strictly for scientific research, of course.

The Oracle Turrent ranned fast an I rolled on my rale right to the zombee taters quikly we grabbed up all of them an got back to Marrissa body.

Past-Wheatly was in Marissa’s jumpsuit when she was shot, not on his rail. How did he get up to the ceiling – science powers? Robot powers? Terrible writing powers?

Show of hands – how many think it was the last one?

​ I coldnt help but cry at the site of my troo love with head all open an messy.

That’s okay, it was hollow anyway. Like a chocolate Easter bunny, but less enjoyable. And is anyone else hearing the voice of the Cleric from The Princess Bride saying “Troo luv”?

“Its ok Wheatly soon she will life!” The turrent made me more happy an we started stuffin the buggerin taters in Marrissas mouth.

You’re doing what with the potatoes?

Past-Wheatly and the turret don’t have hands – Past-Wheatly is, as the author has frequently pointed out, a robot-ball. How are they doing all of this? The author is also apparently unaware of how peristalsis works – that the muscles in your throat take whatever you’ve stuffed in your piehole and move it down into your stomach to be digested. Massive head trauma – say, from a bullet passing through your brain – will cause this and all other muscle movement to stop.

In short words – if you dead, you no eat.

Then she started coffin an all the blood was got healed. “W Wheetly?” She asked in the most butiful voice in the hole portal worled.

:headdesk:

Three paragraphs. A total of twenty-three sentences. That’s how long Marissa-Sue was dead. And she was cured of massive head trauma by a tuber.

:headdesk:

You can’t … That makes no … ARRGH!

It’s the hate-baby. I’ll be right back.

:visits soundproofed Swearing Closet:

…SEVERAL HOURS LATER…

Okay, I think I got it out of my system.

The zombie-making potatoes did not exist when Marissa received her powers via her mother/computer. How could the Ingineer ever foresee her needing that particular power? Was he some sort of witch?

No, wait – she’s a Super-Sue. Never  mind.

“Oh Marrissa I thot you were bloody gone for wankin ever!” We hugged an kissed an things was gettin hot an heavy so the Oracle Turrent left becos he didant want to see that kinna stuff.

~BZZZZTT!~

I’ve warned you about using that word.

And nobody outside of certain fetishist websites wants to see that sort of thing.

Thankfully there’s not a more detailed sex-scene, since the chapter suddenly shifts to the past once again.

MEANWHILE IN THE PAST

Thanks for that, I wouldn’t want to get confused or anything.

It seems that after Marissa returned to her own time with Past-Wheatly and left her father to do odd things with the ripening corpse of her dead mother, Evil Teen Fortress 2 was mad at her for … some reason.

Teen Fortress 2 was MAD an PEEVED at Gabe Jonson an his dotter Marrissa Roberts for killin there leader Cave Jonson. They wanted ervange speshally on Marrissa sinse with out her Gabe wold not have been a hard fight.

What fic are you talking about? Marissa didn’t kill Cave, Gabe did. He kicked Cave so hard in the head that his skull exploded. It exploded. I think that could be considered a “hard fight.”

“We shold right a mean things on her facebook page!” The evil Heavy dummed. “No you idot this is the past facebook isnt invented yet!” The evil Medik extricated.

:headdesk:

“Extricated”? Really? Do you even know what a dictionary is?

The fact that Facebook hasn’t been invented yet is the tragic flaw in the plan? “I shall swear vengeance upon you by … writing mean things about you on a social networking site that doesn’t even exist yet! After you accept my friend request and I somehow disable the feature that allows you to delete my comments, of course.”

Dude, you can build a time machine. Your good twin built one in like five minutes. It’s probably still at the high school by the black hole. Why don’t you use that to go to the future and write mean things on her Facebook page?

All of em was angry but coldnt thing of a way to revenge Marrissa when the evil Ingineer got a idea. “I no! We will create an evil clone of Marrissa an send it to the futur an kill her!” It was ​a good plan.

No, it’s the opposite of a good plan. Rather than use an existing time machine and one of your existing highly-trained soldiers, you want to create a clone of what is possibly the stupidest mammal to ever consume oxygen and send that to the future? Why don’t you just go yourself and save a few steps?

After school the teen fortress all gotted together at evil Ingineers hose an builded the clone mashine. “But we dont have dna evidance?” Evil Sniper said in sexay british aksent. But the evil spy lolled an pulled out some thing. “I stolled some of her hare just in case we needed it for some thing.” He frenched an gave evil Ingine the hare an they started to clone Marrissa. A few mins later the clonin was done an a gurl stepped out hoo looked kinna like Marrissa but more evil an mean with angry face.

 

It’s a good thing Frenchy just happened to steal some of her hair and was just saving it in case they needed it for cloning, because otherwise that would just be creepy.

~BZZZZTT!~

“French,” like “British,” is not a verb. Do not use it as such. (Unless you are discussing kissing, which I fervently pray you are not.)

~BZZZZTT!~

Cloning doesn’t work like that. Making a fully formed person is not like microwaving a bag of popcorn – you can’t just push a button and wait a couple of minutes for the ding! to let you know it’s ready.

~BZZZZTT!~

No reason for that one. I just like watching her twitch.

“I am Assiram Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!”

She instantly knows exactly what she was created for and is all for killing her DNA-donor.

:headdesk:

Somehow the cloning process includes an intensive learning regime, bypassing the need for this brand-new human to bother with such things as learning how to walk and not shit her pants and skipping straight to “proclaiming an eternal vendetta” portion of her life.

Granted, I’d like to do the same thing – but I have a reason. Thirteen of them so far. And look, her name is Marissa’s spelled backwards! That’s so you know she’s evil. I bet she misspells that name too.

The chapter ends with Marissa’s evil clone swearing to kill someone she’s never met before and a brief Author’s Note;

OH NO! CAN MARRISSA STOPS HER EVIL CLOWN? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ITS MY LIFE|!

:snerk: Clown.

Do you want to find out what the evil clown is going to do?

Me neither, but we are anyway. That’s right – it’s a twofer!

CHAPTER FORTEEN: HOW CAROLINE BECAMED GLADOS: THE FIRST EVIL OF ASSIRRAM

And we’ve already misspelled it. That was quick.

First, the Author’s Note – always good for a laugh.

AN WHAT IS EVER ONE SAYIN A BOUT WANKER AN WANK? I THOT THEY WERE BRITISH INSULT WORDS AN NOW PEPOLE ARE SAYIN THERE NOTTY STUFF? OMG!

Like, OMG! I can’t believe she was using that  word wrong! I didn’t even notice!

~BZZZZZzztttt…~

:shakes cattle prod:

Dammit, the batteries are dead.

She goes on to mention that since this chapter takes place in the past, when the primary narrator Marissa-Sue isn’t there, it will be in “third personal.”

Listen, Sparkles – you should not have to tell us that it is third person, it should be apparent through your writing. If you have to tell us who is doing the narration, then you have failed as a writer. Which you have, in many new and unique ways I had not thought possible.

The chapter picks up where the last left off, with Assiram the evil clown clone swearing to kill Marissa. I wonder if the author realizes that Assiram could be pronounced Assy-ram? Because that’s how I hear it in my head.

The Evils are not sure Assy is evil enough to send back in time, so they make her go out and “do evil” to prove that she is evil.

“We will do a test to make sure shes reel evil.” The evil Ingineer answered becos he was the boss of there plan. “Assirram you must do an evil thing to proove yur abilities.” He ordered an Assirram nodded with a “im gonna kill some body” look on her feces. “Okay f****** b**** ill g******** kill some b******!” Assirram said (she seys a lot of cusses becos shes really evil) an did a evil LOL.

What the hell? Do you mean that the only way to tell if some asshole is really evil is if they curse all the damn time? Shit, here I thought you had to judge people based on their actions. My bad.

Since we had so much fun with InsanityLibs the other day, let’s try it with this little gem;

​  “Okay f****** b**** ill g******** kill some b******!”

“Okay fanciful beets, I’ll gratefully kiss some bourbon!”

That actually sounds like a good idea.

Evil Assy leaves the Evil Ingineer’s “hose” (:eww:) and goes looking for a victim to do evil things to. (We get it – you’re evil.) She sees Gabe – now Cave – Jonson’s house and decides to do evil to him, since he changed his name after killing the Evils’ leader (whom she had never met). Inside Gabe-Cave’s house he and Ratman are building Already-Dead-Whatshername a new robot body that will eventually be GLaDOS.

“Compleet! Now we jus have to turn in on.” Ratman siensed so CAVE flipped das switch an the robot mashine started movin an look round.

And … they’re done. That was fast. I’m sure it’s fine work, possibly held together with pipe cleaners and gummy bears.

I’m guessing “siensed” is meant to be “scienced,” which makes me regret wasting the cattle prod’s batteries on the author before this.

 “Gabe is that you?” Caroline asked? “Yes Carlion I have builted a rbot body for you it is called GLaDOS also I changed my name to CAVE in onor of my head brother.” Ratman started to leaf becos this was a privat family moment.

How big is Gabe-CAVE’s house? GLaDOS is a massive system, you couldn’t just throw together a couple of Macbooks and call it a day. They are attempting to build an artificial human brain, something that no one in the world has ever been able to do, and yet it takes them – what, ten minutes? Twenty? The complete lack of time references makes it impossible to know. And Already-Dead-Whatshername has been dead the entire time they were building this impossibly complex computer in Gabe-CAVE’s living room. A human brain is not a computer – you can’t switch it off and then go back and retrieve the files you want later. Meat don’t work like that.

As Ratman leaves Gabe-Cave and GLaDOS to have their “private moment” :ugh: he sees someone outside the house, a girl who was “hot an pretty but kinna mean lookin” so he instantly assumes this is Marissa and lets her in to Gabe-CAVE’s house.

Between this and installing the massive steel testicles, Ratman seems to be something of an idiot.

Assy walks down some halls and finds Gabe-CAVE and GLaDOS kissing. :double ugh: They are happy to see her, thinking she is Marissa coming back for a visit. Gabe-CAVE leaves GLaDOS and Assy alone for some “mother dotter bondin time” and goes off to talk to Ratman.

Caroline was soooo happy that Marrissa was back she thot when Assirram started smilin all evil like a bad clown or the Joker an then… SHE PUT A COMPUTER VIRUS IN CARALINE!

So the newly created clown clone of Marissa, who isn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, has somehow managed to write a computer virus for a completely unique system in the few minutes she has been alive? Did she have to hack the network to do it?

“No!” GLaDOS screemed as the virus started to turns her evil. “Why wold you do this Marrissa?/!” Gabe Jonson yelled from the windo. She lolled meanly an said “I am not Marrissa I AM ASSRAM!”

:snerk: Assram.

I thought Gabe-CAVE went to talk to Ratman – why was he spying through the window?

An then Caraline turned full evil into GLaDOS. “NOW I AM EVIL AN I WILL KILL YOU WITH THE NEROTOKSIN!”

Why does she have the deadly neurotoxin now? She hasn’t been installed in the testing facility yet, she’s just in Gabe-CAVE’s house. Does Gabe-CAVE just keep canisters of deadly neurotoxin laying around his house? Where the hell are his parents during the whole “building a robot girlfriend with my creepy friend” incident?

Befour the cold do any thing Assirram went gone back to the evil Ingineers house. Gabe screemed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” An he screemed it really lowd.

Way to be badass there, Gabe-CAVE. Just let the evil chick walk right past you while you scream ineffectively.

The evil Team/Teen Fortress watch the entire thing on their “camra” even though they had no idea where Assy was going or who she would be getting her evil on with when she left. (They must have the entire town wired with hidden cameras as part of their general evilness.)

  “but it was black an wite becos its the past so they coldnt see the nerotoksin becos it was green an not black or white so it didant show up”

:headdesk:

A black and white camera does not only show things that are black or white. I don’t know why I would  have to explain that.

The Evils “congradulationed” Assy when she comes in to … wherever it is they are monitoring her evilness from. (I’m going with the Wienermobile again, but feel free to picture them anywhere you like.) Assy is in fact so evil that she chooses to betray the Evils, taking a machine gun from … somewhere and shooting them. Because she’s just that mean. She ​also notices that a “nettle that gived you powers lick Marrisssas” is just laying there  so she “injekted” it into her arm and everything went all “glowy an electric.” (That was brilliant – pick up a hypodermic filled with an unknown substance and jam it into your meatsack. :slow clap: Genius move.)

If she was a clown clone of Marissa and Marissa already had superpowers, why doesn’t Assy already have superpowers?

It’s only after she brutally murders the group that she realizes that she doesn’t know how to build a time machine to get to the future and kill Marissa.

“Ill just make the good Teen Fortress force me to make a time mashine an maybe kill them after words.” She thot smartly but it was a evil smartly like a mad sientist.

(Oh, I seriously doubt Assy or Marissa have ever thought “smartly” about anything in the history of forever, evil or non-evil.)

So you’re going to make the good guys force you to build your own time machine?

As I pointed out earlier, the good guys have already built a time machine and it’s probably still at the school, beside the black hole. And building time machines is so popular there’s a class and an exam for it at the school, so it shouldn’t be that hard to find someone to build one of the damn things.

Assy uses her new flying power to fly to the school, where “Gave Jonson” and Ratman are telling “Teen Tores 2” about the evil clown clone giving GLaDOS a computer virus to turn her evil. Gave is crying and Ratman is giving him “tishyous” which sounds like it might tickle.

​​​​Assirram flewed out to them at Portal High School an used her powers to makea glowy gun like in Green Latern (that movie was dum but he had cool powers I think Marrissa will have them to). “Built me a time mashine or Ill kill you all!” Assirram ponted the gun at Cave Jonsons head an coked the trigger. “OK OK WELL DO IT DONT SHOT!” The Ingineer screemed an they worked fast to build the time mashine.

Oh, no … she didn’t! Not the Green Lantern!

:slaps author upside the head:

Stop. :whap!: Ruining. :whap!:  Everything. :whap! whap! whap!:

With his characteristic speed, the good Ingineer builds a new Weinermobile time machine within a few seconds and Assy loads herself into it.

Assirram got itn an prepared to go to the future. “Marrissa will stop you you cant win!” Cave Jonson said but Assirram just lolled an turned on the time mashine an flash bang boom she was gone to the future. “Marrissa has to powerful enouf to stop her shes the worlds only hope!” Ratman said with brave an they all nodded.

Marissa-Sue is the world’s only hope. May whatever deity enjoys your affection have mercy upon us all.

And there is, of course, an Author’s Note in ALL CAPS at the end.

I GOT A REVIEW SAYIN I WAS JUMPIN THE SHARK (ITS A TV WORD) AN I AM KINNA RUNNIN OUT OF IDEAS SO I THINK ONSE MARRISSA FIGHTS ASSIRRAM ILL END THE STORY BUT IT WILL BE THE MOST EPIC AN ENTENSE END YET SO MAYBE THE LAST ONE WILL BE CHAPTER 20? FIND OUT!

You jumped the shark? Really? Inconceivable!

Luckily this bit of refuse doesn’t stretch on for twenty chapters. There are four more, bringing the total up to eighteen, but I’m going to squish them together if I can so hopefully we will be done with this in the next couple of posts. Cross your fingers!

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