35: ITS MY LIFE – Chapter Eight

Title: ITS MY LIFE!
Author: MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video game
Topic: Portal
Genre: Listed as Adventure/Drama…
URL: IT’S MY LIFE! : Chapter Eight
Critiqued by Ghostcat

You know how there is a point in every really bad fanfic where it looks like the author simply stopped caring and just started throwing random things together like a blind man trying to make an omelet? When the flickering, frail moth of a plot finally meets the merciless blowtorch of talentlessness, leaving the reader with only a few charred leg segments of comprehension?

While it may seem that there were many, many such points in previous chapters, this is the one. The ultimate. This chapter marks the point where common sense dies and all hope of salvaging a coherent story from the sucking morass of failure is doomed. With these paragraphs, it becomes a rocket-sled shooting down a glass hill on skids made of butter.

Sounds like fun!

First though – the recap.

Wheetly and the two robots find Marissa in a test chamber, weeping and cutting herself as she listens to depressing music in a now black jumpsuit. She death-punches Wheetly. Gabe Jonson, the absentee father, comes in while Marissa is crying over Wheetly’s robocorpse. He announces that Wheetly’s mortal remains are filled with beer and drugs (that would be the drugs that he smoked) without actually cracking the robocorpse open to check. This enrages Marissa, who forgets that Wheetly died from her death-punch, not an overdose. She uses an unnamed power and explodes, killing the other three.

As Marissa weeps, GLaDOS tells her that this was her evil plan, to have Marissa turn into a goth emo and kill everyone. (Except Chell, who is presumably still Booty Quaking outside the test chamber where the confrontation in Chapters Five and Six took place.) Marissa gets angry (again) and uses her powers to punch through the wall (because doors are for wimps) to confront GLaDOS and change the color of her jumpsuit. GLaDOS, in a last-ditch effort to save her herself from dying (again) even though she has repeatedly expressed her desire to die, tells Marissa that she is her mother. Marissa kills her (again) anyway, blowing up the room with her unnamed power (again) and finally killing GLaDOS (again).

As Marissa weeps (again) Chell enters GLaDOS’ chamber crying because her ass has been sliced off by a piece of flying metal and tries to Booty Quake but can’t. (Because she has no booty to quake) She only succeeds in spraying blood everywhere, including on a piece of equipment that has miraculously survived the previous blast. Marissa immediately recognizes it as a time machine and decides to go back and stop herself from killing Wheetly. Because nothing bad ever happens when you time-travel.

And now we’re off to jump that shark!

CHAPTER ATE: TIME FOR ADVENTURE

Yeah, I know.

In the single sentence Author’s Note, MarissaTheWriter apologises for taking so long to update but promises that this is the “BIGGEST CHAPPER YET!”

Don’t worry, I brought lotion in case anyone starts feeling dry and scaly.

The time machine “squirted” (eww) Marissa into the past and she takes a look around, describing absolutely nothing about her environment.

“I cold see a girl in a jumpsuit like mean doin tests bu she was much less hot an pretty so it must’ve been past Chell. “OH GURGS!” I yelled in sad, Chell didt do tests becos she was booty quakin so I must’ve goned to far back to Portal 1!”

Gurgs? Is this an alternate past filled with nonsensical curse words? Or is “gurgs” a curse word in the language of Sad? Do I even care at this point? Just let me sweep up the shattered remnants of the fourth wall and we’ll continue.

Why doesn’t Marissa recognise her sister? She just left her, assless and spraying blood like a firehose, only a few moments before. Future Chell is identical in appearance to Past Chell, since she was kept in stasis and did not age during the time period between the two games.

GLaDOS notices that a strange person has suddenly appeared from out of thin air and becomes angry because Marissa is not a part of the tests and tells her to “PREPAIR TO DI!” but since Marissa still has her portal gun (and her Companion Boob Cube and everything else she has ever picked up) and her situation-specific powers, she is not afraid. To tell the truth, if I had already managed to kill the sentient computer system who was currently issuing vague threats at me three (or four) times, I’d probably be a bit cavalier about it as well.

Marissa charges the portal gun with her powers, making it glow with “electric stuff” and fires it into the formless void they are standing around in. Instead of a normal portal a black hole forms, sucking in GLaDOS’ camera from wherever it had been before it suddenly appeared to be sucked into the black hole. Marissa laughs at the camera and leaves to find “some thing that could make me future”, leaving the black hole open and presumably drawing the Enrichment Center (and by extension the rest of the world) inexorably into its gravity well until everything is turned inside-out like a sock on laundry day.

This is the first of many black holes that will appear in the next few chapters and it is painfully obvious that the author has no idea what a black hole is other than “it sounds cool.” A black hole is a region of space centered around a super-compacted mass with such high gravity that nothing, not even light, can escape. That’s why they are called black holes – the only way to see them is by the effect they have on surrounding astral bodies. Marissa, and later other characters, simply ignore the black holes she creates like they are blobs of used chewing gum on a sidewalk.

:slaps author upside the head:

Do your damned research. At the very least you should look it up on Wikipedia.

Marissa strolls through the Enrichment Center, not really doing anything for a while. GLaDOS, who controls every aspect of the Center and has just treatened to kill her, does nothing to stop her and does not try to kill her. No cunning traps, no “icky green farts” of deadly neurotoxin, nothing. Marissa then sees a pair of familiar-looking robots in another test chamber and they introduce themselves to her.

 “Hi my name is Atlas an this is P-Boy (he changes his name to P-Body later thats why hes P-Boy in the first few chapters). “

:slow clap:

Way to seal up that particular plot hole, genius. Only ten thousand to go. Too bad the testing robots weren’t built until the end of the second game, so they wouldn’t actually exist yet.

Marissa tells the two robots, who are identical to the pair who have done nothing but beat her up and insult her, that she is looking for “a time mashine to get me BACK FO THE FURTURE lol.” They don’t get the joke “becos this was the past an Back to the Future wasnt invented yet.”

This makes no sense. The first  Back to The Future movie came out in 1985. According to the official time line released by Valve (the developers of the Portal games) work began on GLaDOS, the computer system that designs and builds the robots, in 1986 and it took over ten years to get her operational and on-line. While the game designers have been careful not to give any actual dates for the testing periods in either game, the original Portal game (the time period Marissa is currently in) most likely takes place some time after 2000, a time when information networks are filled with useless pop-culture trivia and naked people.

Anyway, Atlas and “P-Doy” tell Marissa that they can’t help her because GLaDOS hasn’t built the time machine yet, but that she can go to the “relax hotel for some years or somefin” until GLaDOS gets around to building the time machine. There are none of the questions you would expect – “Who are you?”, “What the hell are you talking about?”, that sort of thing. They understand perfectly what she is talking about as soon as she says it. She goes directly to the “relax hotel” which I am assuming is the Extended Relaxation Center from Portal 2 where test subjects are kept in long-term stasis. (For the curious, here is an image of the Relaxation Center.) Marissa finally explains why Atlas and P-Body became hardened addicts – it’s her fault!

 “Little did I no I had assidentaly left some drugs an beer from Wheatly body in the room an Atlas an Pboy saw them an smoked them an became jerks!”

They smoked the beer?

Why am I not surprised that Marissa that is still carrying around her baby-daddy’s robocorpse, even though it was the only thing she ever let go of? She holds onto things like a freakin’ barnacle.

I believe the author is a bit fuzzy on what happens when you smoke something and is unclear on how beer is ingested. Unless Wheetly had some sort of re-bottling mechanism and a device that would take the smoke from the unspecified drugs (Crack? Coke? Pepto-Bismol? Who the hell knows.) and reconstitute it stuffed inside of him, (he is roughly the size of a basketball) I don’t really see how this sequence of events is possible.

Marissa uses her black-hole-generating portal gun to get to the “relax hotel’ where she sees “a bunch of sleeping guys” and a robot ball looking at them.

“My heart droped in happy. “WHEATLY!” I screemed ayn rand towards him. Wheetly looked ta me an said “Bloody hell yur the most butiful girl Ive ever wankin seen!” This must been when Wheatly an I first met! “OMG How do you no my name an woo are you?” He asked too.”

Wouldn’t a better question be “Why are you screaming the name of a Russian Objectivist at me and carrying around what looks like my charred and broken robocorpse?” I’d primarily be concerned with the last part, but I’m touchy about things like that.

To preserve the time stream she tells him that she just guessed his name, which is a pretty damn accurate guess. He accepts this explanation without question and she asks him if he knows a way for her to travel to the future. He tells her that she is so beautiful that he can’t think.

” Wheatly thot on my question. “Sorry I can think becos yur so hot an pretty I get distracted.” I lolled at the compliment an gave him a kiss. “I AM IN LOFE WITH YOU!” An I smelled at him. “Wheatly yur such a charmer I love you toe.” Wheatly o-mouthed an WE STARTED TO MAK OUT! An you pervs out there Im not riting what happened next! =P”

We’re the pervs? You – or rather, your author-insert character – are having sex with a machine. There’s a name for that.

I find the use of the tongue-sticking-out emoticon to be very disturbing, but I am extremely grateful that I don’t have to read a badly-written scene depicting human/robot ball sex.

:shudders:

Almost as disturbing is the fact that while it might seem like a touching reunion scene from Marissa’s point of view, to Wheetly she’s just some random hot chick that ran up to him and he started making sweet mechanical love to. And are they are still in the same place where Wheetly was spying on the sleeping guys, which I assume is some sort of hallway or office area? I am forced to assume that they are, since no mention was made of them moving to a more secluded area to get their freak on. Is it still considered exhibitionism if the people you’re having sex in front of are unconscious?

After “Wheatly an are “private time” (wink wink)”, which wasn’t so private, he takes her to one of the chambers in the Relaxation Center to put her in stasis so she can “sleep till the future”.

And why does she still want to get back to the future? Wheetly is alive, her sister isn’t brain-damaged, and the two robots are not, as yet, assholes. GLaDOS is still in charge, but a quick death-punch can solve that problem. There is the small fact that a past version of herself is probably running around doing stupid stuff, but why let a little thing like a temporal paradox slow you down?

As soon as she gets in bed, the wall “falled away” to reveal GLaDOS staring at her.

For those unfamiliar with the game, GLaDOS looks like this. Not exactly a swift and silent ninja. She has an extensive network of cameras and loudspeakers, so it’s possible she could hear them and speak to them, but during the time period in which the first game takes place GLaDOS is never seen outside of the Central AI Chamber.

GLaDOS calls Marissa by name (which surprises her but shouldn’t, since Past-Marissa should be around there somewhere) and knows that she is from the future, even though Marissa denies it. Wheetly looks shocked at the news, so she never shared that little morsel of information with him during “private time”, but then gets angry at GLaDOS. He tells her that he is no longer “SCARRED” of her because he has the “POWER OF LOVE!” so GLaDOS punches him out of the way and tells Marissa “”NOW YOU WILL DIE FOR KILLIN IN THE FUTURE!”” and turns on the deadly neurotoxin.

No, I’m sorry; it’s “nerotksin,” not neurotoxin.

Marissa laughs at GLaDOS, reminding her that she is immune to the nero …. nerdro … neuro …  icky green farts.

“Did you forgot Im immune to nerotoksin lol?” GLaDOS had a “Dude WTF” look on her feces.

And she would know this how? This is Past GLaDOS, she hasn’t tried to gas Marissa before now. It had seemed to be a real surprise to Future GLaDOS when her immunity was first revealed, so it’s not something she knew about the whole time. But she does now, since it’s the past. So Future GLaDOS should know about the immunity, which means she won’t try to gas Marissa. Only she does, since that’s how Marissa discovered she was immune.

GAH! My head hurts. Damn paradoxes.

And why is she mad at Marissa for killing her when, for GLaDOS at least, it hasn’t happened yet?

Then got smart a gain an said “Oh yeah yur powers well I no were they came from an how to stop them.”

If she knew where Marissa’s powers originated and how to prevent them, why hasn’t GLaDOS done anything before now? I would think “kill super-powered death-punching woman” would be at the top of GLaDOS’ to-do list.

Then some thign happened. I got all glowy an electic my powers were strongar then ever. “No, imposable!” GLaDOS scrammed an I said “DIE B****!” An shooted my powers but it wasnt rite power. Instead ano black hole opened an I was sucked “LOL you are died!” GLaDOS boated an started doin more tests on Chell.

Wait – Chell was there? What was Chell doing in the room – passing out mints?

 Then the black hole got all black insid an I blacked out.

:ring-ring:

Hello?

No, she’s not here right now. She just got sucked into a hole. I think it was black. Yeah, I can give her a message … hold on. Okay, go ahead.

:writes “call Redundant Department of Redundancy” on Post-it:

Okay. Yeah, I’ve got it. ‘Bye now.

Sorry about that. Where were we? Oh, yes.

Marissa awakens in a classroom (“crass room”) filled with students “with “WTF” looks on their feces.”

This fic sure has a lot of expressive excrement.

While lying there, surrounded by the various flotsam she has collected, one of the students gets up from … something or somewhere and she thinks he looks familiar. Of course he introduces himself and his conveniently close girlfriend to this previously-unconscious stranger who has appeared from out of nowhere. They have a nice conversation while Marissa remains prone on whatever horizontal surface she landed on after passing through her self-created black hole.

 “Hi my name is Gabe Jonson an this is my girlfrend Karolin.” He ponted at a hot gurl that looked kinna like GLaDOS if she was person. “Who you?” She asked kinna jelous bcos I was touchin her boyfrend. “Uh… Im Marrissa Roberts im a new xchange student.”

Again, GLaDOS looks like this. I would think any girl who resembles a giant mechanical uvula would have some trouble getting a boyfriend. But wait, there’s more!

 I was tootaly wiered out becos I didt no where I was. Then it clacked. Gabe Jonson… Karlion… I more deeper in tim to the PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL! “My hose blowed up cold I stay with wonna you?” An Karlin said “OK we can be lick sisters!”

I more deeper in confusion now.

Marissa shows up out of nowhere, carrying all manner of futuristic crap including her portal gun, Companion Boob Cube, and Wheetly’s robocorpse, and no one reacts to it?

Where are the black helicopters, the government agents, representatives of the world media? The damned hall monitor doesn’t even show up. Someone can’t just appear in a school classroom and get invited to live with the first hot girl who talks to her. This isn’t a porno.

Although Karlin/Karlion/Whatshername immediately inviting Marissa to be her “lick sister” makes me question whether this might be a porno after all.

I will not rant about the author calling it Portal High School. I won’t.

:eyetwitch:

Even though it should be Aperture Science and not Portal, and the laboratories are, according to canon, located in an abandoned salt mine in Michigan.

They immediately ditch the rest of Whatshername’s classes because they “were too cool for school which was nice an pink an the guy from Leave it Beaber was next door.” I’m not really sure if Whatshername’s house is pink or if the school is pink, it’s not really all that clear. The way things are going it might be both.

Whatshername welcomes this complete stranger, who is carrying around quite a lot of odd-looking stuff, into her home.

“Welcome to my commode!” Karoline yelled with pride at her room.

Whatshername lives in a bathroom. She likes to yell at it.

There was a doble bed an a hairdresser an a toilet an closet with huge cloths.

Yep, it’s a bathroom. And she has to share it with her hairdresser. Gabe leaves to go do manly (“mainly”) things, so the two girls can get to know each other better.

Karolen an I satted her bed an talked bout cute boys an muisic an stuff. “How about Justin Beaver isnt he teh hostess?” Karlin looked at me funny. “JUSTIN BABER ISNT INVENTED YET ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?”

If someone asked me if I thought somebody I had never heard of was cute, I would not instantly assume that person was a time traveler. The fact that Whatshername not only knows who Justin Beaver (:snerk:) is but also that he hasn’t been “invented” yet would make me suspect that she is also a time traveler. Or possibly an alien.

I o-mouthed an said “OH S***!” Then I locked door an covere windos. “Promise you wont tell no none.” An Karolin pinky sweated with me. “Alrite Im from the future an Im yur boyfrends dotter an I think yur my mom!” Karolin o-mouthed I thot from the revlation but then I looked an saw she o-mouthed becos som eone jumped out an…

Well, so much for preserving the time stream.

Whatshername isn’t shocked by the news that this stranger with the high-tech gear is both a time traveler and her daughter, but by something she sees … somewhere. Considering the door is locked and the bathroom windows are covered, whatever it is must have also appeared from out of nowhere, just like Marissa. Given the utter lack of response to Marissa’s sudden arrival, I find it difficult to believe that something or someone else appearing just as mysteriously would shock Whatshername.

I assume the author is trying to build tension with a cliffhanger chapter break, but it’s not working. I don’t care about any of these characters; in fact, I would cheerfully beat any of them to death with a baseball bat just to get them to stop “lolling” and “o-mouthing” all the time.

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