30: ITS MY LIFE – Chapter Seven

Title: ITS MY LIFE!
Author: MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video game
Topic: Portal
Genre: Listed as Adventure/Drama…
URL: IT’S MY LIFE! : Chapter Seven
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Greetings once again, fellow plunderers of the literary abyss!

Welcome back to ITS MY LIFE, the Portal fanfic that has taken us to many strange and unique levels of Hell and will continue to do so for many, many more chapters. What will happen in this exciting chapter – Ghosts? Dragons? More zombies? Something resembling a plot? Let’s find out!

For those of you who didn’t read the last installment, or suffered some merciful head trauma that removed it from your short-term memory, let’s recap!

Goth Emo GLaDOS is making Marissa run tests. She finds her Companion Cube (or Companon Coob or Companion Boob) when it literally falls on top of her and learns of another situation-specific power when she refuses to drop it into Android Hell: immunity to “NEROTOKSIN.” Upon leaving the test chamber, she finds her robot-ball baby-daddy cheering as Chell Booty Quakes, which means she’s an idiot again. Wheatly and Marissa both cry and run away, leaving Chell to dance alone. Marissa learns from GLaDOS that the only cure for Chell’s brain damage is the zombie-making potatoes. Whether being one of the legions of insatiable undead is a step up or a step down from just being a bit whimsical in the brainpan is debatable. Because GLaDOS took away her gun and she can’t “fix” Chell without it, Marissa makes the difficult decision to turn her sister – whom she has no problem shooting in the head – into a zombie. As she weeps over a zombie-making potato, Marissa discovers GLaDOS’ secret plan – to turn her into a goth emo! Wheatly feels bad about eye-fondling Chell and decides to apologize to Marissa but is waylaid by the robots, who ply him with beer and unspecified smokeables.  Once he’s hammered, the robots convince Wheetly that he needs to wreak unspecified revenge upon Marissa for unspecified reasons. They go looking for her and find her weeping (again) and cutting herself, having turned into a goth emo as per GLaDOS’ master plan.

With that out of the way: here, hold this raw and dripping pork chop.

Release the hounds!

CHAPTER SEVEN: BATTLE OF THE GOTH EMO WAR

The battle. Of the war. Okay…

Like all previous chapters, this one begins with a poorly spelled Author’s Note in ALL CAPS.

“AN THANKS FOR THE GOOD REVIEWS YOU LAST TOW ONES. AS LONG AS THE REEL FANS SUPPORT ME THIS STORY WILL NEVER DYE!

ALSO THANKS FOR TELLIN ME ABOUT NEXT NOT NECKS ILL REMBER THAT. =D”

She won’t actually go back and correct her beautiful and flawless masterpiece, but she will keep in mind that the adjective meaning ” immediately following in time, order, or importance” can sound similar to the noun that describes the body part connecting your head to your shoulders. Or your shoulders to your ass, as the case may be.

Atlas, P-Body, and Wheetly enter the test chamber to find Marissa in her black jumpsuit, listening to depressing music and cutting herself, just like in the end of the last chapter. Wheetly asks Marissa what has happened to her and she reacts in the typical Mary Sue fashion – by overreacting.  While still crying, she tells him that he broke her heart and that she is now a goth emo and that they are through. (I liked my break-up idea better.) She then punches him in his “eyeball-thing” and he flies off his rail, presumably because she used her “MEGA PAWNCH” power on him, and hits the floor broken and dead.

She gives an epic “NOOOO!” and runs to him, picking his “robocorpse” up in her arms, bemoaning the fact that her mutant child will now be fatherless and managing to cut herself a few more times as she continues to weep. At this point, since she has failed to let go of anything she has ever picked up, I hope one of her super-powers is Growing Octopus Arms or she has access to a convenient parallel dimension to store all this crap in. Atlas and P-Body are standing frozen in shock at the sight of Wheetly’s “kill” (and are probably wishing they had been a little nicer to the weepy death-punching woman) when a man walks in with a toolbox, filled with “tooles.” (I like to keep snacks and art supplies in my toolbox, but whatever floats your boat.) It’s the absentee father they rescued from Android Hell, Gabe Jonson! He just looks at her and she smiles at him, immediately giving him Wheetly’s robocorpse so he can fix him.

I can’t believe she actually let go of something. Alert the presses, the Apocalypse is nigh.

Without doing any sort of diagnostics or even checking to see if his moisture indicator is red, Gabe announces that Wheetly is full of beer and drugs. (Maybe he sloshes.) I don’t see how this is important since the drugs and beer didn’t kill him, his baby-momma’s death-punch did, but she becomes very angry at the two robots for their non-existent role in his death. She glares at them and begins using one of her situation-specific powers until she is “glowin like the sun an electric sparks went ever where.” This is because she is so angry at the robots, who didn’t actually kill anyone. Sure, they were annoying and irritating, but if we went around killing everyone we found irritating and annoying we’d be able to build multi-level forts out of their corpses within a week.  Gabe begs her to stop because her powers are just too strong and mighty and generally awe-inspiring and nausea-inducing. (I may have added that last bit.) She does not pay attention to him because she is so very, very angry (at the relatively innocent robots) that “electric stuff” goes everywhere and the room “explosioned!”

Clean up, Aisle … Everywhere.

She wakes up and there is “messy dirt an marks all a round” her and the test chamber is “destoryed”. (This entire pile of anaerobic compost should have been destoryed a long time ago.) She somehow sees Atlas and P-Body lying in front of her and knows they are dead, all without moving her own body in any way (possibly using her Detect Dead Robots power) and this makes her happy. Then she sees (still without moving) the “skelton” that was Gabe and Wheetly, who in death have fused together and taken on the semblance of a deceased comedian, and gets sad again. She falls back on the old stand-by: crying uncontrollably while cutting herself and singing a “My Kemical Romace” song.

GLaDOS begins laughing (or “lolling”) at her, telling her that her plan has worked since Marissa has killed all her friends, even though technically Atlas and P-Body weren’t her friends, they just constantly beat her up and called her names, and she barely spent two minutes with her father (and most of that time he was naked in a hot tub filled with lava and babes). And she has also succeeded in making her turn into a goth emo, which was her original evil plan. (Because somehow the sentient computer system knew Marissa was going to overreact, death-punch her robot-ball baby-daddy, and use her previously unrevealed Super Explody power when almost everyone was in the same room.) GLaDOS reveals that Wheetly never cheated on Marissa; and not just because he never actually did anything that could be considered cheating, but because she was controlling him. GLaDOS also gave Chell a brain damage relapse, but does not explain how. (Let’s just say GLaDOS used her science powers on her, that sounds about right.)

So GLaDOS’ super-effective plan was;

1.  Give Chell a brain damage relapse so she would Booty Quake
2. Force Wheatley to watch Chell Booty Quake without him knowing he was being forced to do so.
3. Tell Marissa about the zombie-making potatoes curing brain damage.
4. ???
5. Profit! Marissa’s Emo-Gothification and the death of everyone!

All of this makes Marissa (Surprise!) very angry and she decides to kill GLaDOS “for ever now.” Because the previous times GLaDOS died it was just for practice. Her many, many powers begin “flowin threw [her] vans” so she blows up the wall, which conveniently reveals GLaDOS’ chamber. I guess that’s good, then her powers didn’t have to drive their large passenger vehicles (or alternately, walk in their over-priced shoes) very far while Marissa blew up random walls looking for GLaDOS. Once in GLaDOS’ chamber, Marissa delivers a rousing speech (in ALL CAPS so you know it’s dramatic)

“YOU MADE ME KILLED WHEATLY AN A GOTH EMO AN ROONED EVER THING NOW YOULL PAY GLADOS YOU B****!”

That is her entire speech. Very moving, isn’t it?

I missed the part where she killed a goth emo though. Maybe one of her superpowers is Make Readers Forget Things.  If so I wish she would use it more often. Like constantly.

Marissa then uses one of her situation-specific powers to make her jumpsuit “not black no more” because she is not going to be a goth emo anymore. (She must have Super Fashion Powers!) She does not reveal what color her jumpsuit is now, but I’d like to think that it is the indefinable color of magic. Possibly with a unicorn vomiting rainbows on the back.

GLaDOS tells Marissa that she can’t kill her because she (the sentient computer system) is her mother. Marissa at first thinks she is lying, but then uses her Super Detective power to confirm that it is true. (Because screw all that “We need evidence!” nonsense.) At first Marissa is conflicted but gets over it pretty quickly;

 “I couldn’t kill my on mother but she was a evil mother so maybe I cold. “I killed you ones befour I can do it a gain!” I powered up my powers like a fireball of the glowy electric powers an shot them at GLaDOS an blew up the hole room.”

Conflict resolved! For those keeping score at home, this is the third time GLaDOS has died (fourth if you count “knocked into the vastness of space by an asteroid strike” as a death.) GLaDOS is finally dead (again) but so is almost everyone else. Almost two-thirds of this world’s known population, including all of its advanced computer systems and robots, are dead. The only two survivors are female and two chicks cannot repopulate a species, no matter what Jurassic Park says.

Chell comes into the room crying because the “exploshun had made a peace of metal slice her butt off” so that she was no longer able to Booty Quake (YAY!) because her “bom” is gone. Marissa sits down on some random knees (possibly belonging to one of the plentiful corpses from the other room) and cries (even though she has never stopped crying) because everything is ruined and her powers cannot fix things. But it’s not an “emo cry” because she’s not a goth emo anymore. She’s just sad and weeps all the time. I’m sure there’s a difference.

 “It was teh end but not happy which meens Im not perfect so Im not a Mary Sue AREEL WRITER or what ever yur name is!”

This is not an Author’s Note, it’s a part of the narration and refers to a review made by someone using the username “A real writer” who leaves a poorly-spelled review calling Marissa the “queen of Portal Mary-Sues.” (You know something’s bad if the review-trolls say it stinks.)

Fourth wall? What’s that? Never heard of it.

Sadly that is not “teh end;” Chell tries to Booty Quake (will that damned dance never die?!?) causing blood to fly from the massive gaping wound where her sit-upon used to be, landing on a “werd” machine. Marissa instantly realizes that this is a time machine, either using her Super Detective power or a previously unknown Time Machine Detection power.

“OMG I can go back in time an stop me from killin Wheatly an make every thing happy a gain!” I ran tinto the time machine an pressed some bottons and there was a huge flash…”

I know whenever I want to use an advanced piece of technology that appears suddenly from out of nowhere (and is covered in my sister’s blood) I just randomly mash buttons like a meth-addled monkey. Works perfectly every time.

The chapter ends with the usual “TO BE CONTINUED!” and another short Author’s Note, also in ALL CAPS, hinting that Marissa may go back in time to the original Portal.

“UH OH MARRISSA IS GON BACK IN TIME BUT DID SHE GO TO THE RIGHT TIME OR MAYBE TO PORTAL 1 TIME WINK WINK FIND OUT NEXT TIME!”

Very subtle, don’t you think? Oh, look – she spelled her name … I mean her character’s name wrong. Again.

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