25: ITS MY LIFE! – Chapter Five and Chapter Six

Title: ITS MY LIFE!
Author: MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video game
Topic: Portal
Genre: Listed as Adventure/Drama…
URL: IT’S MY LIFE! : Chapter Five
URL: ITS MY LIFE! : Chapter Six
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Well, I’m back again, like that persistent rash you have to go to the clinic to get shots for every week. (Hey, don’t blame me – I warned you about those public toilet seats.) And it seems that the author of ITS MY LIFE! is back as well, having added yet another chapter to her fic, bringing the total up to eighteen chapters.

After cleaning out the couch cushions and my car’s ashtray, I have collected $1.73 to start the “Track Down MarissaTheWriter and Destroy Her Computer” Fund. Please feel free to make a donation (going by the ad in Soldier of Fortune I just need another nine hundred ninety-eight dollars and twenty-seven cents) by feeding coins and bills directly into your disc drive.

Since Chapters Five and Six are virtually identical, with the exception of Chapter Six being told from Wheetly’s POV, I’ve decided to merge them together. That means you get two for one today!

If you’re not sure what happened in the last chapter, don’t worry – I think the author shares your puzzlement.  Here’s what I do know – the cause of the zombieism was zombie-making potatoes and Aperture Science left a prototype (“prototip”) portal gun that opens a portal to Android Hell just lying around for people running from zombies to trip over.  A visit to Android Hell is the cure for zombieism, because there are no zombies in Hell. (Except when there is.) Chell and Marissa find their father, Gabe Jonson, in a hot tub filled with lava and Super-Sue saves the day with her situation-specific powers, only to find GLaDOS is alive (again) and wants revenge (again).

Strap in and finish off those Dramamine martinis, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

CHAPTER 5: CHELLS BOOTY QUAKE REMIX!

Ugh. Not the Booty Quake again. I am really coming to hate this dance/song/whatever. There is a single sentence that I’m assuming is an Author’s Note (it is in ALL CAPS like all the other Author’s Notes have been) that really deserves to be replicated in its full glory.

“AN THANKS FOR THE SPELLIN CORRECSHUN ON WHEETLY WHO IS NOW WHAATLY AN GLADOS IS NOW GLaDOS!”

Can you feel how thick the irony is? It’s like a big, comfy quilt pieced together from spelling errors and failure.

GLaDOS has started making Marissa do tests again, except she is still an “emo goth” so everything has been painted red and black, there is depressing emo music being played, and she is cutting herself and crying on the “big screen comptuer.” “WHEATLY whos name was right this time” (nope, still wrong) is tasked with following GLaDOS around and cleaning up the robot blood, which is “all messy an sticky like the repulsive gel.”

Seems to be working – I know I’m repulsed.

I’m guessing the author means “repulsion gel” which was introduced in the second game, it’s a thick, blue paint-like liquid. Surfaces coated with the gel act like rubber; if you jump on it you will bounce higher and if you coat objects with it, they will hop around like a coked-up chihuahua until you wash it off.  And it does wash off quite easily with water, I can think of at least one puzzle  in the game where this is demonstrated.

After finishing one test, there is a rumbling noise from the “seeling” and something falls down on top of Marissa. It is the “COMPANON COOB!” Marissa runs to it (even though it fell on top of her) and gives it a big hug, happy to see her old friend. (The inert rectangular solid.) The “prototip” portal gun emerges from a “wall-hole” (:sigh:) and opens a new portal to Android Hell. Which is still filled with ravenous zombie robots who are presumably trying to get out of this portal. “GlADOS” demands that Marissa drop the “COOB” into the portal or she will fill the room with “NEROTOKSIN.” Marissa does not want to destroy her cube and hesitates. She remembers that her father, Gabe Jonson, is somewhere and might possibly be working to free her, but she doesn’t really know for sure. No other mention of him is made during the chapter.

Marissa laments that she doesn’t have a power that could help her solve tests and save her “companion boob” (:snerk:) until she realizes that one of her many, many powers is “NEROTOKSIN immunity!” Thank God it wasn’t Neurotoxin Immunity, because then she would be screwed. So she tells “Glads” to go ahead and pump the room full of NEROTOKSIN. The portal to Android Hell is left open and I assume zombie robots are now beginning to fill the test chamber along with the NEROTOKSIN and will eventually take over the Enrichment Center.

“Go head an toksin me Glads.” I boated to the dumb emo goth computer women. “DOT SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU!” GLaDOS started pumpin all the room with icky green farts that smelled reel bad but didt hurt becos I was immune. I piced up the companon coob an went threw door an saw something bad….”

What is the horrible thing that Marissa sees after picking up the Companion Cube that she was already holding and leaving the Icky Green Farts Chamber? Chell, doing the Booty Quake again (:sigh:) while Wheatly (still wrong) watches and shouts encouragement. Marissa realizes that her sister is once again brain-damaged but is more upset that her robot-ball baby-daddy is showing a passing interest in watching the only other living female in the entire complex dance suggestively.

“”WHATLY HOW COLD YOU?” I screemed an Wheatly said “OH BLOODY WANKER!” An ran off on his rale.”

“Whatly” is going to be very cold indeed on the robotic equivalent of the couch for daring to eyeball his baby-momma’s sister.

Chell is still “retorded” but since GLaDOS took Marissa’s pistol away from her she cannot “fix” her and so instead Marissa runs away crying. She is sad because Wheatly has betrayed her, by watching her mentally-different sister dance, even though Marissa is pregnant with his hybrid robot-ball/human baby. Marissa also feels the need to “fix” her sister, to make her stop dancing around, (I’m sure her robot-ball baby-daddy being attracted to her had nothing to do with it.) because not even her awesome situation-specific powers could cure brain damage. (… I think I just o-mouthed.) “GLaDON” chimes in from nowhere, “out loud with no indoor voice” that there is only one cure for brain damage – the “ZOMBEE TATERS!”

There is about two sentences worth of emotional struggle as Marissa weeps (again) and tries to decide what she would rather have – a mentally-challenged Booty Quaking sister or a “smart” zombie one.

“I walked off leavin Chell to dance crazy an found the zombee taters. I picked one up an started to CRY. “WHY IS EVER THING GOIN BAD AN WRONG AN WHEETLY ABDONED ME FOR MY TARDED SISTER?” Cry came out of all my eyes an all every where. I didn’t no it at the time, but it was part of GLaDOS plan, she was turnin me into a goth emo!”

What came out of her where?  And GLaDOS’ master plan is to turn her into a goth emo? Really? A sentient computer system obsessed with scientific testing has decided that Marissa isn’t crying enough? Am I reading a different story here? Because every other paragraph I’ve read ends with some sort of crying jag and/or the protagonist running away.

“MEENWHILE” Wheatly is rolling along on his “rale”, berating himself for watching Chell dance. It is revealed that there was once a love triangle between Marissa, Chell and Wheatly that “he thot it ended but guess not.”” (He also calls himself a “sodding wonker”, a term I first read as “soggy wanker” which gave me a giggling fit that lasted several minutes.) He decides to apologize to Marissa and hurries back, only to be pulled off his rail suddenly (and from behind).

It’s the robots, Atlas and P-Body. P-Body asks Wheatly if he would like to smoke some drugs and gives him “a drugs” but Wheatly, having been told by Marissa that drugs are bad, says no. Atlas asks if he would like some beer and Wheatly again says no, but “the peer pressure was strong an he was reel sad after all…”

Thus ends Chapter Five – Marissa is crying over a zombie-making potato and Wheatly is being pressured into doing drugs by robots.

We will move directly to Chapter Six which as I’ve said is fairly short, but it’s told from Wheatley’s point of view so get ready for all sorts of vaguely British-sounding hilarity. God Save the Queen!

CHAPTER SIX: THE BIG ADVENTURE OF WHEETLY

There is a brief Author’s Note in which MarissaTheWriter defends her depiction of brain damage, saying;

“IM NOT BEEN OFFENSIVE AGAINST BRANE DAMAGE BECOS CHELL IS JUST A PRETEND CARTOON I WULD NOT INSULT REAL BRANE DAMAGE PEPOLE THATS JUST SICK!”

That would be a pretend cartoon versus, say … a real, live cartoon? Tell me; what do the clouds taste like in that little world you live in?

It goes on to mention that this chapter will be from “Wheelty’s” POV. As if all the “bloody wanker” and “god save the queen!” talk wasn’t a clue.

“Wheetly”, who can’t even spell his own name right, is upset that he betrayed “Marrissa” (can’t get his baby-momma’s name right either) and is in general a “bloody soddin wanker”. He did not mean to betray Marissa, but when he saw Chell doing the Booty Quake (:sigh:) he could not help remembering “when we first met I licked her an she liked me but things didnt bloddy work out”.

I’m picturing the robot-ball licking Chell’s face like a puppy, because the only other interpretation of that phrase sends me screaming into the dark in search of an all-night Brain Bleach Emporium.

Wheetly proceeds to tell us why things didn’t work out with Chell; it was because she was less pretty and less hot than Marissa, and also because she didn’t catch him when he released himself from his rail. (This is an event from the second game.)  Despite this, when he sees her doing the Booty Quake (:sigh:) and the way her “bom (AN THATS BRITISH FOR BUTT LOL)” was all “jiggly wiggly” just like back when he was in charge of the facility. Judging by the total lack of time references throughout the entire story so far, that was possibly only a few hours ago. Then he turned into an “evil bugger” and she dumped him. (Into space. Which means the final boss battle of Portal 2 was just a messy break-up)

Not that I care all that much about this love triangle/pyramid/trapezoid that appears to be building, but I’m confused. At first it sounded like Wheetly broke up with Chell to date her hotter, prettier, impossibly fertile, more-awesome-in-every-way sister, but then tells us that she dumped him. (Which she did. Into space.) Maybe it was all the evil buggering he was doing.

When Marissa exits the Icky Green Farts Chamber mentioned in the last chapter, she sees the exact same thing, her baby-daddy ogling her sister.

“OH YEAH Chell SHAK THAT BOOTY!” I screamed out loud to Chell but I didt realise someone else was watchin… Marrissa! “WHEATLY HOW COLD YOU!/11” Oh bloody hell sod she saw me with Chell god save the queen! “OH BLOODY WANKER!” I yelled a gain an ran away faster than ever befour on my rale. I couldnt let Marrissa see me cheetin any more I was real sad.”

I bet you thought I was kidding about “god save the queen”, didn’t you?

The astute reader will notice that the conversations between Wheetly and Marissa when she discovers him watching Chell that I’ve quoted from both chapters are virtually identical, save the fact that the some of the spelling and grammar has changed. This means that the author didn’t just copy and paste the conversation from one chapter to the next, but relied on her flawed memory to reconstruct it.

Soon Wheetly is in a place he has never seen before (the library, perhaps?) where there are “drusg”, beer, and Playboy magazines everywhere. This is where Atlas and “P=Body” live, because sentient electronic lifeforms are all about getting wasted and looking at titty mags. They are there and they grab him off his rail and ply him with drugs and beer, just like in the final scene from the previous chapter. It is presumed that Marissa is now off somewhere weeping over a zombie-making potato because she doesn’t have her hand cannon to “fix” her brain-damaged sister.

Wheetly resists the robots at first, but then decides to continue breaking the laws of all known physics and proceeds to smoke the drugs and drink the beer. (The actual words he uses are “Ok fine you sodding wonks.”)  He starts feeling pretty good, similar to the testing euphoria he felt at the end of successful tests when he was in charge of the facility. He gets fairly chatty, telling Atlas and “P-bODY” about his problems with Marissa and Chell.

“Then she bloody dumped just becos I was enjoyin’ the floor show with CHell an booty.”

Did I miss something? Marissa ran away crying, as per her usual reaction. There wasn’t even a “Go to hell, you heartless, ball-less robot-ball bastard!”, which is odd since they’ve actually been to hell and know how unpleasant it is. (That would have been one of the most epic break-ups ever. “Go to Hell!” :sound of portal opening: “AHHHH! Bloody sodding wankers!” :zombie robots drag him to Hell: “God save the Quee…!” :sound of portal closing:)  Where was the break-up?

Atlas and P-Body pat him on his “ballback” (:snerk:) and let him know that they understand what his problem is – Marissa is a “b****”. Wheetly knows he should not listen to them, but he is feeling very angry as if he were on “sterods” or something. They tell him he should get revenge on her, even thought it was entirely his fault for ogling his baby-momma’s sister. He agrees with the robots;

“Yur right guys we need to teech that b**** a lesson!” I angered becos the drugs an beer was makin me confused. I was such a bugger bloke but I felt sooooo hi I had to.

Maybe it’s all that buggering that’s the problem. And the blood, there are a lot of bloody things around Wheetly. Not to mention the constant wanking. I think they have counseling for that.

They decide to go looking for “Marrissa” and find her in one of the test chambers, wearing a black jumpsuit, listening to “Avril Lavinge music” and cutting herself. (:deadpan: Oh no, whatever could have happened.) “Marrissa” has become … a goth emo!

So GLaDOS’ master plan to turn Marissa into a goth emo consisted of … telling her that the zombie-making potatoes were the only cure for her sister’s strange obsession with suggestive dances?

That’s it? And it worked?

I also find it hard to believe that she can manage to cut herself since she’s carrying around a portal gun, her Companion Boob Cube, one of the zombie-making potatoes, and who knows what else she has picked up and never let go of. This character belongs on that show Hoarders.

After the obligatory “TO BE CONTINUED!” there is another brief Author’s note apologizing for how short the chapter is, but she doesn’t like writing from Wheatley’s POV and promises that the “NECKS” part will be longer. Maybe she’ll give up writing about Portal and write a nice dinosaur story instead; some of them had really long necks.  Preferably one where Marissa gets eaten by something with lots of pointy teeth and then drowns in a hot tar pit. :drifts off into fantasy world:

UPDATE: ITS MY LIFE has proven to be very popular; it now has a TV Tropes page that includes links to another blog that has done a line-by-line riff of the thing, and a blog that has done a dramatic reading of each chapter. I’ve listened to several chapters of the dramatic reading, it’s hilarious. The author, MarissaTheWriter, is even aware of the TV Tropes page and mentions it in her fanfiction.net author’s bio –

“It even gots a TV TROOPS page so its the most famos portal faaniction every!”

Apparently she was born without the sarcasm gene.

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