09: ITS MY LIFE! – Chapter Two

Title: ITS MY LIFE!
Author: MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video game
Topic: Portal
Genre: Listed as Adventure/Drama…
URL: IT’S MY LIFE! : Chapter Two
Critiqued by Ghostcat

We’re back today with that excremental wonder of fiction called ITS MY LIFE!, the Portal fanfic that stretches the bounds of bad taste. Those who care about such things will remember that we met our Mary Sue protagonist, Marissa, (who is pregnant with a “robot ball/ human baby”) in Chapter 1, as well as the robots Atlas and “P-Boy”, and the “emo goth” sentient computer system Glados.(who committed suicide at the end of the last chapter, hence the name of this chapter)

Please keep you hands inside the cart until the ride comes to a complete stop.

Here we go!

CHapter 2 GLADOS, SEWISEDED?

“Glaods” is dead and Marissa has learned that Chell is her sister. She “o-mouthed” in shock (get used to it, that happens a lot) and laments the fact that Glados has committed suicide, since she could have given her the “down lo” ( :sigh: ) on the situation. She decides she needs to find Chell and tell her that she is her sister, and she should also “fin doubt” what happened to her baby-daddy robot-ball Wheetly.

Just then “Atals” and P-Boy enter, looking even madder than before. (This should be good.)

Atlas shouts at Marissa; “Your gonna pay now you dumb b****!” while P-Boy “lolled” about writing mean things on her Facebook account  “LIKE A SERTAN OTHER SOMEONE!” so she tightens her grip on her portal gun in case she needs to fight them off. Suddenly she feels a strange feeling come over her;

“It was all matrixy an slow-mo but also like electric I could see all the sparks an wires an things in the robots.”

(Yet another reason to hate the Matrix movies.)

“POWER OAF!” I yelled for some reson I didn’t no why an the two robots went dead. Electic lightening came thru my skin an eyes an mouth an everywhere but I was not shocked. Some of teh bolts hitted Glados an she became alife a gain!”

Glados is angry that Marissa “STOPED” her “SEWISED”, although technically her suicide succeeded and she was simply reanimated. Like a zombie, except she’s a computer. She’s so angry that she tries to kill herself, or as the writer puts it;  she “started cutting herself to make a new dead.”  Marissa looks down and sees little lightning bolts. “Gladoss” sees the bolts and “o-mouths” ( :sigh: ) because she realizes that Marissa’s “spechul” powers are beginning to manifest, and shouts this in ALL CAPS. Marissa is confused and angry that she wasn’t told earlier that she had “robot powers” since she could have used them to solve tests, but she still wants to find Chell to tell her that they are sisters (and tell her about the robot powers.) Glados takes a little time out of her pointless self-mutilation to tell her that she must find Chell, who is on the moon looking for Wheetly. She “o-mouths” (again) and is so happy but does not know how to get to space. (Well, the easiest way would be to fire the portal gun at the moon. It worked to get him there.) She asks Glados how to get there. Her response is;

“YOU HAVE MORE POWERS THAN YOULL EVER NO BUT ONE IS SPACE FLY AND BRETHING!”

So now “breathing” (or “brething”) is a special power.

Marissa is shocked by this (more “o-mouthing”) and thinks hard about flying. Suddenly “rocks” come out of her feet and she flies up past the portal labs and into space. When she gets to the moon she starts looking for Wheetly and Chell.

“I STARted (hehe becos its in space where there are stars) lookin behind asterods an space junk but they wasn’t there.”

She makes it sound like the moon is a cosmic dump. While she is looking, she remembers that in space “noone can hear you scream!” so she wonders if she has a superpower that would allow her to hear sound in space.

That would be the total vacuum of space, where no sound can be made since there is no air to compress to make it.

And of course, by thinking real hard, she manages to hear something. It’s Wheetly! He’s screaming “You bloody sod stop oh god save the queen!” because Chell is beating him up, and he’s now all “broken lookin.”

Marissa begs Chell to stop; Chell looks at her with “a lot of hatred an some sad too” and tells her that she has to do it because Wheetly has turned evil and tried to kill her and probably tried to kill Marissa as well since they were sisters, even though she never told her. Marissa o-mouths at the revelation and remembers that Glados had said that she had never told Chell that Marissa was her sister, so this must be a trap. Chell continues to beat up the robot-ball, who pleads “Help me Marrissa this bloody bugger is trying to wank me!”

I’m not British, nor have I ever been to England, but I know English people don’t sound like that. Even if your only exposure to British accents is the  Harry Potter movies you would know that British people don’t sound like that. And I’m pretty sure “wank” isn’t the word she was looking for.

Marissa realizes that “Chell” is in fact Glados, even though she just left Glados (after re-animating her following her unlikely suicide) back on Earth in the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. Marissa confronts her and the false Chell “got a “Oh S***!” look on her feces.” (My favorite spelling error of all time.) Marissa punches the false Chell and the skin of her face tears off, revealing that “she was a robot like the Terminator but instead of terminator it was Glados!”

The false Chell (who is really Glados) tells her that she wanted to get revenge on Marissa for ruining her suicide, but before Marissa can get her revenge on the false Chell, (who is really Glados) Wheetly chimes in with “BLOODY HELL IT’S A SODDING ASTEROD HEADED STRATE TOWARDS US!” And there is, of course, an asteroid heading right for them.

The chapter ends with a “TO BE CONTINUED” and what I am assuming is an Author’s Note;

“HOW DID I SURVIVE THAT? WHERE ALLS THE POWERS COMING FROM? FIND OUT IN CHAPTER THREE WITH EVVEN MORE INTENSE ACTION!”

I’ve never seen a more glaring case of Mary Sue-ism; she actually refers to the main character as herself. I’m actually rooting for the asteroid.

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