2330: Sonichu — Issue 0, Episodes 3 and 4, and Sub-Episode 1

 

Title: Sonichu
Author: Christine Weston Chandler, aka. Christopher Weston Chandler, aka. Christian Weston Chandler, aka. Chris-Chan
Media: Webcomic
Topic: Sonic The Hedgehog / Pokemon / IRL
Genre: “Parody”, apparently.
URL: Cover and Issue 0 Template Box
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sonichu!

Previously, we were treated to a rehashing of the boss battle against Perfect Chaos at the end of Sonic Adventure, although this time a Wild Boy Pikachu caught a conveyor belt into Station Square and got himself body-checked by Super Sonic. This somehow caused the Pikachu to take on Sonic’s body plan, superspeed, and capacities of speech, and also to sprout a magical rainbow which, apparently by sheer divine coincidence, struck a Girl Raichu and morphed her into a nigh-identical copy of Amy Rose. The latter, now christened RosechuZapbud by her horrifying turkey leg of a Trainer (named Kel), then moped a lot about being lonely and/or sexually frustrated, and the former, now christened Sonichu, moped a bunch about being hungry. Then Sonichu spotted Zapbud staring at a stream for no reason, got his sleazebag on by following her to Kel’s cabin and insisting that he be allowed in for dinner, and then… I guess they fell in love because the last few panels of the comic had them making out in front of fireworks.

We were also introduced to Chris-Chan’s in-comic persona, who shows up in the middle of the comic at random times in an ugly shirt to spout legal disclaimers, exposition, and other asinine nonsense. There was also some exposition on the city(??) of CWCville where everything is supposed to take place. Yes, it is indeed named after Chris, who also claims to be the Mayor despite also acknowledging that the place is fictional and located within a comic he is the author of. Not since Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu put H.P. Lovecraft’s books inside the Cthulhu Mythos have I encountered a ‘fic this ontologically confusing.

There were also a bunch of other characters in the big infodump, but I want to address them when they actually appear in the comic continuity proper so I didn’t spend a lot of time on them.

Typo Cunter: 7

We resume Issue 0 already in progress.

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2325: Sonichu — Issue 0 Episodes 1 and 2

Title: Sonichu
Author: Christine Weston Chandler, aka. Christopher Weston Chandler, aka. Christian Weston Chandler, aka. Chris-Chan
Media: Webcomic
Topic: Sonic The Hedgehog / Pokemon / IRL
Genre: “Parody”, apparently.
URL: Cover and Issue 0 Template Box
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

— WARNING —
Strap yourselves in, folks, this is gonna be a long one.

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2147: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue — Pages 374 Through Epilogues (Yes There Are Multiple Epilogues)

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back for the final time to Sly Cooper: Thief of Virtue, which whether it in fact is a porno or is not a porno will still be ending today!

Last time we were treated to a vision (what else!) showing a young Lil Yachty Hookworm and his creepy be-fedora’d nutcase of a dad giving him a medallion with the Magical Mystery Crystals in it as a birthday present and subsequently running afoul of a rather pudgy, ill-defined Clockwerk. Clockwerk wanted to know where Dad Cooper was and Dad Lupus wouldn’t tell him, so Clockwerk killed Dad Lupus in front of his son and then Dad Cooper tried to adopt him but was also killed. Q-Tip Henipavirus then grew up and chased after Clockwerk himself, but discovered the bird was already dead, and in a fit of Edge over having had his kill stolen chucked his medallion into the lava of Clockwerk’s volcano and caused the Magical Mystery Crystals to somehow transmute into their current giant forms. Except he also says he doesn’t care about the whole kill-stealing thing and just wants to take over the world. So there was no point to any of that.

Back in the present Interpol was gearing up for a full-scale assault on Future Oesophagostomum’s castle, using the green Magical Mystery Crystal as bait. Fox Obnoxious, however, showed up and deliberately got himself captured, then used the crystal to mind-control Director Torus into making vague threats and recorded him doing so. Travis Scott Xuan Son Virus then showed up in person to recover the recording (which he believes will somehow cause the entire geopolitical order to collapse if released) and straight-up kill a bunch of Torus’s men. Torus and Ice Ice Baby then gave chase in a helicopter.

Also a character named “Sly Cooper” may occasionally have appeared and taken a peripheral role in observing the above happenings, but he wasn’t particularly important. We left off just as he was preparing for some sort of ‘final showdown’ with iSpy Cysticercosis.

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2146: Sly Cooper: Thief of Virtue — Pages 313 through 373 Mega Riff Bonus Round!

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue, which has entered a bizarre sort of quantum superposition where it is both a porno and not a porno simultaneously.

Previously we wrapped up the Colonel Zahn heist with a ton of pointless speechifying and Zahn himself taking way too long to actually beat and also breaking Sly’s cane in half and just in general there being waaaay too much Ned. But other than that the mission was actually vaguely competent, even though Director Torus showed up to arrest everybody and confiscate the green Magical Mystery Crystal at the end so it all ended up in exactly the same place we were just before the aborted Captain Snow arc so what was really the point?

Also a really ineptly-done flashback showed us that Director Torus somehow allowed Clockwerk to find the Cooper family, but that has absolutely not stopped him from continuing to be awesome. We left off just as he was offering Sly and his gang a deal- immunity in exchange for their assistance in taking down the instigator of all of this, Kylie Jenner Trichinosis.

I wanted to get this thing done in time for the Crappypasta Spooptacular, so we’ll be pulling double marathon sessions today and tomorrow. Straps yourselves in; it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

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2134: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue — Pages 266 through 285

— WARNING —
This is the point where the comic starts to veer into topics which cannot be properly addressed without major spoilers for the ending of the first Sly Cooper game. Also, Davidson starts leaning really hard on the ‘current events’ political button. Or at least what the current events were as of 2014.

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue, which for the time being at least has resumed not being a porno.

Previously the Cooper Gang, Carmelita, and Ned all teamed up and parachuted into some unknown part of Africa in order to rob Colonel Zahn of his final share of the Cooper Loot. This actually went pretty well until Sly saw a second, green-colored Magical Mystery Crystal in Colonel Zahn’s vault and it made him freak out; and Zahn’s engineer used that ‘spike’ Weeb Thug planted way back in the Kre mission to blow up Bentley’s computer. We left off just as some of Zahn’s men were making a half-hearted attempt to kill Sly with a Gatling gun.

Oh yeah, and there was also some cop drama when a pushy, textwalling bureaucrat named Judge Bubo took it upon himself to upbraid Director Torus for ‘militarizing’ Interpol by equipping his rank-and-file officers with body armor, despite the fact that officers had just died because they didn’t have the firepower to go up against Captain Snow and Colonel Zahn (the current crime-boss-du-jour) is stockpiling guided missiles and tanks.

We resume the Zahn heist already in progress.

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2128: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue — Pages 235 to 265

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief of Virtue, which probably would have been better off if it had been just a regular porno.

Last time, Mr. Indigo and Fox Obnoxious had a pointless fight with the Cooper Gang, which resulted in the Cooper Van crashing into Lady Venom’s villa. The Gang (and also Carmelita for some reason) grabbed the Cooper Vault loot and were about to make their escape when they discovered that Lady Venom had seduced and eaten Ned (which the comic kept trying to set up as Carmelita’s fault even though that doesn’t really hold much water- I mean, it’s not like Carmelita ever suggested to Ned “Hey, why don’t you try to bang a movie star?” or to Venom “Hey, why don’t you try to swallow a police detective whole?”). The crew managed to extract him from Venom’s stomach more or less unharmed, but then Director Torus showed up and made the completely absurd and baseless accusation that just because she’d given police documents to Sly Cooper, allowed Sly Cooper to just walk away when she could have arrested him without trouble, and come running whenever Sly Cooper called her, Carmelita might actually be working with wanted fugitive Sly Cooper! The gang gave him the slip, though, and Torus had to settle for arresting Lady Venom instead. Which I guess we were supposed to feel bad about in spite of the whole thing where she ate multiple people alive.

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2122: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue — Pages 194 through 238

— WARNING —

Yeah, this is another comic featuring Lady Venom, so expect more snaketits and Weird Shit being portrayed in an uncomfortably sexual light. And also potential flamebait in more of this MRA-style “nice guy” bullshit. And my comparing the comic to racist cartoons.

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief of Virtue, which was doing so well at not being a porno.

Ok, well, really it wasn’t, but compared to where it’s going

Anyway, last time Carmelita and Ned got invited to a giant party Lady Venom was throwing at her villa in the Amazon, at exactly the same time the Cooper Gang was heading there to make Venom their next target. Sly infiltrated the party (because apparently nobody actually needs an invitation or even a photo ID to get into one of those things) while Bentley and Murray reconnoitered a nearby logging plant run by a secret associate of Venom’s, the sumptuously-dressed “Mr. Indigo”. If this is sounding like an actual heist of some sort you are sadly mistaken, as the whole factory thing turned out to be pretty pointless and the entire party was spent with Ned whining to Lady Venom, Fox Obnoxious, and Lil Dicky Isosporiasis about his inability to screw romantically confess his romantic feelings of romance to Carmelita.

Also, Lady Venom ate a reporter. And possibly a sandwich.

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