1767: The Marissa Games – Chapter Nine

Title: The Marissa Games
Author:  Marissa the Writer
Media: Books/Movies/Video Games
Topic: The Hunger Games / Portal / MIB II / Team Fortress / Thomas the Trai- [Fuck it, I’m not adding any more to this list!  – Lyle]  The Kitchen Sink
Genre: Not Listed
URL:  Chapter Nine
Critiqued by agigabyte and Ghostcat

Not a Verb Counter: 686

Scatology Counter: 101

Cain: Welcome back, everyone. I’m here with Syl, Ghostie, and Datapad-Goddess for another chapter of The Marissa Games. Say hello.

Syl: Hello! :blows kisses:

Ghostie: Do I really have to be here?

Goddess: You seem kind of annoyed, Cain. And yes, Ghostie. Sorry about that.

Syl: Have you met him? Kitten’s middle name is “Annoyed”. Or possibly Tiberius, I forget which.

Goddess: I prefer other middle names for him.

Syl: McLovin? That’s always a good choice. Very hipster.

Cain: This is the part where we begin the riff.

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1766: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored – Chapter Six, Part One

Title: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored
Author: MrAwesomeMattyDA
Media: Video Game
Topic: Tales of Vesperia
Genre: Adventure/Humor
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by SC and Teh Specs

Hello, and welcome back to Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored, by MrAwesomeMatty! I’m your host, SC, joined by Teh Specs, and last time, Yuri and Repede met up with Estelle and Raven, while Tai was sent off to go be broody somewhere where nobody would have to see it. Tai got a weird feeling that Yuri thought he was a bad guy, so he went to try and clear his name, but was then promptly jumped by the Ginyu Force Schwann Brigade’s best and brightest(?), Adecor and Boccos, who had somehow mistaken him for an assassin of Leviathan’s Claw.

This week, we’re jumping into the next chapter, fittingly titled, “It all goes to hell.” And, might I add, it is so nice to be able to get through chapters quickly again.

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1765: The New Security Guard – Chapter 2

 

Title: The New Security Guard
Author: The Lazy Darklord
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
URL Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Welcome back, dear Patrons, to another chapter! When last we met, the audience was introduced to college freshman and extremely late bloomer Gabe/Michael via a pair of rambling and disjointed flashbacks that raised more questions than they answered.

On to the fic! Which starts with another all-bold Author’s Note that contains almost no punctuation. Yay.

Hello everybody and welcome back to the Fnaf fanfic,

Which so far has had very little FNAF in it.

some of you might be wondering hey dark why is it that you sometimes promise to finish a story and then you just disappear from the face of the earth for a few months,

No, I can honestly say I wasn’t wondering that at all. At the risk of resurrecting one of our favorite dead horses, you aren’t on a schedule. Post (or don’t post) whenever you feel like it. Your only deadline is self-imposed.

im not going to make excuses i honestly was at point were i was almost entirely done with fanfiction mainly because i did alot of work into my stories and then too rewrite them was an honest pain in my ass

Welcome to writing, honey – it’s two percent pure pleasure and ninety-eight percent soul-shredding grunt work that no one will ever see. And don’t even get me started on editing; it’s much easier to edit someone else’s work because you aren’t emotionally invested in it, but trying to edit your own writing is like having your fingers caught in a bear trap and trying to decide which one to gnaw off first.

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1764: Fall to Equestria – Chapter Fifteen (But really Chapter Thirteen)

Title: Fall to Equestria
Author: doomboom1234
Media: Television/Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: FIM
Genre: Sex/Comedy/Human/Random/Romance
URL:  Chapter Fifteen Thirteen
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Serketry

-WARNING-

Beware, for here be dragons. Or at least more hardcore pony porn.

Hello hello all you patrons!

Welcome back to Fall to Equestria, ruining awesome characters since late 2012.

Last time our plucky protagonist Loser Martin was captured by the Changelings, promptly escaped through a method so stupid and thermodynamically dubious that I refuse to even recap it, and then immediately turned himself in again. This led to fortunately unconsummated sexytimes with Queen Chrysalis, who apparently was not evil at all and just misunderstood (needing a whole three sentences from the Stu to devolve into a sobbing wreck). Then Princess Celestia showed up and did the first sensible thing in the ‘fic, namely magic-blasting Loser Martin to within an inch of his life while trying to shoot the Queen.

With his miraculous Stu powers he somehow survived the blast. Well, he’s bleeding out, but considering that that Celestia was trying to kill Chrysalis and we’ve seen her literally blast enemies apart, Loser should be chunky salsa by now.

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1763: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-One, Part One

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Welp, we’re finally there, the home stretch.  Now that Igor is completely out of fucks to give, we enter the freefall stage.  The shark jumps, the editing dwindles, and what passes for the plot becomes even more fragmented and incoherent.

“You make it sound so good!”

Don’t I, though?

“Recap?”

Sure.  Spike does a sparring session with team Buffy, and then quickly drops that in favor of most of the group running off to go look for the very items that Willow was just told about in the previous scene.  Because that’s how good writing works.  On their way there Jim is invited to exposit his backstory, which he does.  It’s a contrived backstory, and since it’s about a character that nobody honestly gives a shit about, there’s no real need to revisit it.   After a quick chat with the embodiment of the plot, they’re directed to the same place Willow’s going.  It’s also dropped that Igor has decided to change his mistake into a plot point involving Sunnydale being completely restored.  Presumably with a “because magic” in there somewhere.  And if you’re wondering why it took the members of Team Buffy this long to think something was strange with Sunnydale being back, then you’d be forgetting that nobody in this fic actually has a brain.

“It turns out that you don’t need one to star in a fanfic!”

The chapter trails off with a scene of DEEP FORESHADOWING™ where a bunch of vampires with extremely fake accents talk about stuff that I can’t be bothered to remember, and then an ASMR vampire shows up because why the fuck not?  Igor literally had no fucks left to give when he wrote that scene, which is why I skimmed the crap out of it.

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1762: Love & Bullets – Chapter Ten

Title: Love & Bullets
Author: MissScorp
Media: Comics
Topic: Batman
Genre: Drama/Romance
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

WARNING: Author still thinks she can write about domestic abuse. Given that she can’t write healthy interpersonal relationships, my hopes aren’t high. Thankfully, it’s still just referenced and not shown.

What do you need us for? count: 12

Dick is a dick count: 7

Bullet count: 0

Hello, once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BadJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back for more of Love & Bullets, the fic that should be over already. Last time, we had another pointless fucking flashback. This time, we’ll dive into chapter 10 and hope that the fic will actually do something.

GoodJamags: And in case you’re wondering, no. The canned author’s note hasn’t gone away. Sadly. It’s not that bad on a first viewing, but at the top of every chapter, it’s just frustrating to see.

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1761: The Marissa Games – Chapter Eight

Title: The Marissa Games
Author:  Marissa the Writer
Media: Books/Movies/Video Games
Topic: The Hunger Games / Portal / MIB II / Team Fortress / Thomas the Trai- [Fuck it, I’m not adding any more to this list!  – Lyle]  The Kitchen Sink
Genre: Not Listed
URL:  Chapter Eight
Critiqued by agigabyte and Ghostcat

Not a Verb Counter: 625

Cain: I’d been hoping not to ever have to do one of these again–both because I hate this fic and because Syl is aboard one of my ships–but the Library did make us sign a contract.

Syl: :blows kisses: Bite me, kitten.

Agent [GREY]: Here you go, Ghostie. *Hands Ghostie a spray bottle*

Ghostie: Don’t worry, I came prepared today. :holds up Super Soaker 9000: Top me up?

Agent [GREY]: Of course. *Conjures Cardamom tea into the Super Soaker*

Syl: Bugger.

Cain: Glynda was going to join, but I vetoed that. I’m pretty sure the fic would’ve given her an aneurism.

Ghostie: Or someone :glares at Syl: would try to get her into trouble.

Cain: Well, that too. I was trying to be polite. It’s probably a waste of effort with Syl, though.

Syl: I’ll have you know those were nothing but baseless rumors and accusations.

*An end-table appears, followed by a datapad appearing on top of it, sitting perfectly upright in a blatant defiance of the laws of physics*

Goddess: And we all know that “baseless” can never be used to accurately describe you. *Waves to Cain* Hello, lovely!

Syl: Hey-ya, dimples!

Ghostie: Although “topless” can be used far too often to describe Syl.

Syl: Hey, if I’m doing my laundry I might as well do all of it.

Cain: Goddess. You do know we’re fighting a shadow war against each other, right?

Agent [GREY]: Well, that’s no reason to be impolite, is it?

Cain: Yes, it is.

Goddess: No, it isn’t. Besides, wars are boring.

Syl: He’s so rude. Do you know he sealed me in a force-field once? And then shot me at the event horizon of a black hole. I got a bruise on my bum. Anyone want to see?

Cain: And I’ll happily replicate that feat if you take your clothes off.

Ghostie: :hoses Syl down with tea: We’re starting the chapter soon, right? If you two start sniping at each other, we’ll be here all day.

Cain: Right now, in fact. Agent [GREY], normally I wouldn’t send you away in the middle of the riff, but I need you to work on tracking Goddess. It probably won’t matter, but I’d like to at least pretend we’re taking this conflict seriously.

*Agent [GREY] nods and turns into tea, disappearing. Most of the tea ends up splashing Syl upon falling to the ground, the rest disappearing*

Syl: :wrings out hat: For future reference, it is polite to at least buy a girl dinner before splashing her with your fluids.

Goddess: I can’t really give you a proper high-five from here in my secret base all the way in no-way-I’m-telling-you-land, so just pretend I’m giving you one.

Cain: We’re starting, now.

Ghostie: Please, for the love of all that is holy.

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