1810: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy — Chapters 5 and 6

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 5 and Chapter 6
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy, Spartan Logan-B312’s personal crusade to piss off every single person in the Mass Effect universe one-at-a-time.

Last time… well, really not a whole lot even happened as Spartan dicked around on the Normandy en route to Therum. He pissed off Shepard, plotted to start a war between the UNSC and the Council and possibly also the Systems Alliance, gloated about how goddamn fucking overpowered his stupid Forerunner guns are, and settled in for the first part of a MAKO drop to their target alongside Garrus, Shepard, and Tali.”

Amorous Counter: 37

Show and Tell Counter: 18

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 11

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1809: Slender: Find the Eight Pages They Said : Chapter 4

 

Title: Slender: Find the Eight Pages They Said
Author: seclinalunica
Media: Video Game/Creepypasta
Topic: Slender: The Eight Pages
Genre: Horror/Suspense
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat Syl and Associates

 

 

:The Riffing Chamber is quiet and dark; nothing moves within its Stygian depths. Suddenly, the heavy reinforced door is flung open as if it is made of cardboard. An imposing figure strides into the room, poking at a cell phone with one finger:

Syl: GHOSTIE! Someone changed the WiFi password and I have an auction on eBay ending in one minute. Damn snipers aren’t getting the better of me again; that vintage Burdizzo clamp is mine.   :looks around: Ghostie? Why the hell is it so dark in here?

:Syl stumbles over to the light switch and flicks them on, ducking to avoid the flying saw blades. The increased illumination reveals Ghostie, sleeping with her head pillowed on the console.:

Syl: The hell? Ghostie, wake up! :pokes Ghostie with her phone: Wakey-wakey, Ghostie-girl. I know this fic is really boring, but you’ve got work to do.

:CHOMP!:

:Syl jumps back, still holding her phone – which now has a bite taken out of one corner.:

Syl: … Or you can just lay there and someone else can fill in for you. Someone responsible :looks around: And rational…:looks around again: Someone who isn’t me. There should be one of those pajama guys around here somewhere … :looks up in the rafters, but realizes the chamber is empty save Ghostie and herself: Goddammit all!

Syl: Well, if I’m doing this I’m going to need these :slides notebook out from under Ghostie’s head: but I’m not using Little Miss Bitey’s console. There should be a button … Ah! :unsheathes a blade and uses it to reach over Ghostie and press one of the console buttons: That should do the trick.

:Koori appears in a swirl of leaves:

Koori: You rang, ma’am? :sees Syl: You’re not Miss Ghostie. Where is … :sees Ghostie slumped over the console and Syl standing over her with a drawn blade: Miss Ghostie!

Syl: Oh, shit. I did not think this through.

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1808: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter Three, Part Two

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)

Shadow Kill count: 4

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, GoodJamags, and we’re back for more of the Shadow Warriors. Oh, and I’m still unperson-ing a guest guest host.

Let’s dive back in.

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Sixth Annual Sucktastic Award Polls

The Polls are now closed!  Thanks to everyone who participated this year.  The Sixth Annual Awards Ceremony will be Wednesday in place of Taco’s riff.

It’s that time of year again!  Time to vote on the best of the worst in the Sixth Annual Sucktastic Awards! Your Librarians have collected and nominated the worst fics across twenty four categories of failure!  The polls are now open, so get in there and let us know which fics you think are bad enough to win our utmost revulsion!

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1807:Adopted – Chapter Five, Part One

Title: Adopted
Author: Angie J Trifid
Media: Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre: Friendship/Romance
URL: Adopted
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Heyo, patrons!  Welcome back to Prehistoric Bestiality 3 Adopted.  If we split this chapter up, we’ve got just enough fic left for two installments.  So soon we’ll be free of Raptor and I forever!

“Until you do the rewrite.”

So basically forever!  So, what happened last time?

“Well, Fitz hurt his leg, Annie fixed it, Fitz and his sister baton-passed the point of view a bit to exposite his affection for Annie, and then Muldoon and nameless keeper twelve shot Fitz’s father.”

That feels like a lot of progress for one chapter, especially given that the first three chapters limped along like a wounded sloth.  I’d pretend to be surprised that the pacing is so inconsistent, but I won’t insult the intelligence of our patrons like that.  Instead, let’s get this party rolling!

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1806: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy — Chapter 4

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, happy Independence Day for those of you who can be arsed to care, and welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy. Last time, we had a wonderful cycle of people repeatedly asking Noble Stu what the fuck he is and getting unhelpful non-answers, a pervy scene where he saved Tali from her gunshot wound using techniques that really should have killed her, and the long-awaited reconciliation with the Systems Alliance where they agreed not to lock him away forever for his violent and just plain dickish actions so far and he agreed to perform such actions with slightly lower frequency onboard the Normandy. Oh, and there was plot regurgitation. Lots and lots of plot regurgitation.

Amorous Counter: 33

Show and Tell Counter: 17

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 8

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1805: Maya and Raider – Chapter Two

Title: Maya and Raider
Author: EclipsePheniox
Media: Video Game
Topic: Borderlands
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Delta XIII

I already regret everything. Let’s just get this over with.

Oh, and as a side note, I’ll be counting the sins of each chapter separately and then tallying them up at the end, so the counter gets reset after each chapter. Though I will be starting the counter at 500 rather than zero, because A: I’m extremely petty, and B: this thing deserves every sin it can get.

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