1877: Toxic Promises – Oneshot

Title: Toxic Promises
Author: Girl With The Dandelion
Media: Movies
Topic: Land Before Time / Jurassic Park
Genre: Romance / Angst
URL: Toxic Promises
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hey,patrons,welcomebacktoWednesday!Ididn’tsleepwelllastnightandhavehadfivecupsofcoffeeinthelasthoursoletsgetriffing!

BAAAAAAAA!

*GONG*

Thanks, bud, I think I’m good now.

So, it wouldn’t be a one-shot marathon without something with dinosaurs in it!

BAAAAAA!

Adopted doesn’t count because it wasn’t a one-shot.

Anyway, for our obligatory Dinosaur fic, I’ve got a cross that could possibly work!  It doesn’t, but it could!  The cross is Land Before Time and Jurassic Park.  And I’m saying it could work because they both involve dinosaurs.  You know, sorta like how The Shawshank Redemption and Ace Ventura both have humans in it!

Since neither of these are new canons, we can just get right to it with the summary!

What normally would have taken months, even years to adjust to, took only a few minutes for Cera to fathom.

Hey look, overwrought prose in an angst fic, who could have predicted that!?

BAAA.

Look, personally I consider the word misuse a bonus, but you can call it what you like.

Given that summary and the edgelord name “Toxic Promises” you all should have some idea of what we’re getting into.  So let’s go!

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854: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

Welcome back to the home stretch of A Jedi’s Destiny, the fic that dares try to answer the question: How villainous can an author make their protagonist?  Once again, I’ve got Swenia sitting co-pilot.

“It’s like you take some kind of perverse delight in preventing me from getting a nap.”

You’re not wrong about that.  Anyway, last time there were space shenanigans.  There’s really no other way to put it.  Buster and Professor X pull a space-program out of their shared endless anal pouch of holding in all of three days, fly very, very slowly up into space, find that the IN is already colonizing space, and then head for home.

“Wasn’t there also something about the aristocracy of the UO fleeing to a city on top of a mountain?”

Yeah, but it’s not important.  In fact, it’s never mentioned again in the fic.

“WHAT!?”

Welcome to bad fanfiction.

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842: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fifteen Part Three

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

*Taco and Swenia drag themselves into the snark booth and drop into their chairs.  They spend a few minutes staring at the screen blankly.*

“I have a baby, what’s your excuse?”

Teething toddler.  Just think, you get to look forward to that in a year or two.

“Oh, goody.”

Let’s see, last time we had a stupid battle were soldiers were using laser sights.  While this is going on Arin takes Ursula home, they have dinner, then retreat to his office to have sex.

“Poor girl is going to get a stapler stuck in an orifice.”

Meanwhile, Buster and fam have an extremely forced and wooden Tender Moment™ in a bid to try to win some sympathy from the audience.  That’s pretty much where we left off.

On another note, did you ever pick a name, Swenia?

“I rather liked the mining-based name idea, so I went with Jiwe.”

Jiwe… you named your kid ‘rock?’

“Well, the meaning is more general. More literally “stone” than rock, but essentially… yes.”

Huh.  Dwayne Johnson would be proud.

“Who?”

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836: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fifteen Part Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, patrons!  It’s going to be a bit of short one this week.  There’s just a little too much chapter left for me to want to do it all at once, but not enough to make a post of the length that I normally aim for, so I’ll just split what’s left down the middle and deal with smaller posts.  It’s actually fairly well timed, since the next two weeks are lining up to be rather busy for me anyway.   I also gave Swenia the day off.  Mostly because she threatened my life when I tried to wake her up while the cub was napping.  We’ll have to wait until next week to find out what she decided to name him.

Let’s see, last time stuff happened.

What?  You want more than that?  Fine.

So, it turns out that the IN managed to gain control of a large contingent of Arin’s super-soldiers and have turned them into an elite strike force.  Arin catches wind of this, begs Buster for help, then drops everything so he can go and make an over-elaborate request for sex from Ursula.  That’s actually pretty much it.  There were also a bunch of lions, wolves, and humans having sex all over every surface.  Not sure why, but Swenia’s theory is that everyone is in heat.  Sure, I’ll roll with that.

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822: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fourteen

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Whew, only three more chapters to go.  Unfortunately one of those is a herculean chapter that takes up like a quarter of the entire word count of the fic.  That’s going to take a few weeks to get through.

Let’s see here, last time yet another Awesome McEvil joined Buster’s dark alliance.  This time he added an unstable necromancer with a stockpile of nukes to his roster.  Hooray and stuff.  There’s a party where Saburi acts all blood-thirsty and then it ends.

Once again joining me this week is Swe-  Crunchy, why are you in Swenia’s comfy chair?

“She is quite indisposed this week and asked me to fill in so you have some companionship.”

Indisposed?  What’s she doing?

“Female things.  Things beyond the understanding of those of our gender.”

I see.  And you sitting over there rather than in the co-riffing seat?

“Swenia was correct about this chair.  It is supernaturally comfortable.”

Huh.  Anyway, let’s see what we have waiting for us in chapter fourteen! Read the rest of this entry »


513: resident evil:reborn – Chapter Twelve

Title: resident evil:reborn
Author:
 Insane Doctor The Insane Shadow Hunter and JudgementDragon25
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic:  As many video games as you can shake a stick at, and The Land Before Time
Genre: None listed, and really, it’s hard to categorize such fail
URL: Removed from FF.Net.
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Well, here we are, folks.   Despite the authors assuring us that there would be three more chapters after chapter ten, in fact chapter twelve is the last one!  Sorta.

I say sorta because, as I’ve mentioned, there are two more fics left to do in the series after this one.  Luckily, both are rather short.  Even combined they are not half as long as resident evil:reborn.  So I should have the whole ID/JD25 series closed up by the end of October.  Hurrah!

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509 resident evil:reborn – Chapter Eleven

Title: resident evil:reborn
Author:
 Insane Doctor The Insane Shadow Hunter and JudgementDragon25
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic:  As many video games as you can shake a stick at, and The Land Before Time
Genre: None listed, and really, it’s hard to categorize such fail
URL: Removed from FF.Net.
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Well, last week’s installment really didn’t do much for the “plot” did it?  Well, the next two chapters are billed as the tour de force conclusion of resident evil:reborn, so maybe we’ll actually be getting some plot.  My optimism has always been my undoing.

Chapter eleven training for the final battle part 1

Oh crap.  Two chapters on training for the boss battle.  There goes my optimism.

*waves goodbye* Read the rest of this entry »