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:Ghostie drags herself into the Riffing Chamber and flops down at the desk:
Ughhhhh. I really need to stop checking on my old fics. It brings me nothing but pain.
:plucks a massive mug of something steaming out of the Formless Void:
So, as is often my habit, I did a quick scan through the abandoned fics in my Pile-o-Fail and wouldn’t you know it? It would seem that the author of the saga of Blind Mike the Robot Fondler, also known as “Five night’s with Foxy and Mike“, also known as the robo-molestation fic, updated with another chapter. Yay.
Not even this comically oversized mug full of Lina’s Black Death espresso can help me now.
It’s been close to two years since the last riff in the series, but the tl;dr version is that Blind Mike the Robot Fondler is have Adult Thoughts regarding Foxy, who is a busted-out wreck of a robot and is having a token internal conflict regarding said Adult Thoughts. There’s been
too much some touching, hence the nickname, and Blind Mike the Robot Fondler considers Foxy’s lack of negative response as consent – which is one hundred percent not how consent works. At all. Not even a little bit. Also the Author’s Notes keep promising that there’s going to be dick-insertion at some point, but there’s probably not going to be any dick-mangling. Maybe. Possibly. Almost definitely. I’m putting up a warning just in case.
Now, on to the fic. Such as it is.
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the final pair of chapters for the fic!
When last we left our less than brave protagonists, they were marching down the road to Vincent/Purple Guy’s house, to do whatever it is they are going to do in order to gain closure. Probably murder, because this is FNAF, but they could just meander around aimlessly until a literal deus ex machina appears to drop more plot in their collective laps just like the rest of the fic.
A/N: Sorry for the long wait. With school ending and graduation along with other stuff going on in my life I got writers block on this story. Anyways, hope you enjoy and please forgive me for the wait.
Obligatory statement regarding self-imposed deadlines and the importance of education, with a side order of sympathy regarding writer’s block.
On to the fic!
Angela braced herself as she pushed the door open and saw the guy they were looking for sitting in at a desk not far from it. “So I take it Scott told you guys where to find me,” he said in a sinister tone. “I knew he couldn’t be trusted.”
…He has a desk sitting in front of his front door? That’s an unusual choice in home decor. Did this suddenly become a crossover with The Sims? Quick, someone check the yard for a death-trap swimming pool with no ladder.
At least, I assume they are in a house or other living space. There’s really no description. They walked there from Glowstick’s place, so I just assume it is also some sort of living space.
Angela scoffed as they filed into his house and faced him. “So you aren’t even going to try and defend yourself.”
A-ha! I was right, it is a house. With a desk placed directly in front of the door. Because reasons.
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another pair of chapters!
In the last pair, Anubis took Glowstick to the restaurant so she could be near Foxy when Ra cured her plot-convenient amnesia with a tap to the forehead. Foxy and GLowstick then kissed despite having no real chemistry together and then Glowstick stole all the animatronics (despite bragging about having more than enough money to just buy them) and took them back to her house for snacks. The manager/Purple Guy showed up to make a vague threat, so of course Glowstick and the rest decide to burgle his office during Glowstick’s next shift.
Now, on to the fic! Which starts with an Author’s Note.
A/N: I have no clue what Purple Guy’s actual name is. So for the sake of the story I will be calling him Vincent, the name one of the multiple fans of the games gave him.
Huh. I had kind of assumed the manager/Scott Cawthon was going to be the Purple Guy.
I like to give the characters names instead of nicknames that are common throughout the series.
Really? Because I seem to remember you giving the manager Scott Cawthon’s name just because you couldn’t think of anything else.
Hello, dear Patrons!
In our last pair of chapters, very little happened – except for the whole “Foxy and Glowstick are soul mates now, because reasons” thing and Glowstick getting plot-convenient amnesia from Ra, of course. I assume that’s now going to be the main focus of this fic that is supposed to be based on a horror game set in a theme pizza restaurant, because of course it is. Who doesn’t sit down to play a FNAF game and think “This game would be a lot better with the addition of Egyptian deities and an over-powered Mary Sue.”?
Onward to the fic!
Angela smiled as she walked around her new home. Her temple was the best.
:deadpan: Please, describe it for us in the most purple way imaginable. I really must know.
On top of the golden material it was made of,
Presumably the “golden material” is actual gold and not anodized aluminum.
she also had a bath that people would’ve used in ancient times
A wooden tub? A reasonably clean pond? A copper knee-bath?
(basically a pool but the water is heated and you bath in it),
Is that an Author’s Note describing the bath?!?
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to more fic! The plot starts veering even farther away from the source materials, which is really saying something. In the last pair of chapters, Glowstick wore a dress made of the ocean to perform sexily for children (and Foxy) in a production that still hasn’t been adequately explained. Then the Egyptian god Set appeared, did some acrobatics while Glowstick hissed, and then vanished. This fatally wounded Glowstick, who later died in Foxy’s arms before the sun god Ra appeared to scoop up her corpse.
:flips through notes:
Yeah, I think that was it. On to the fic!
Angela groaned as she opened her eyes. As she stared up she noticed a high golden ceiling that had and ocean scene carved into it. A faint noise to the left caught her attention and as she turned her head she noticed Ma’at and her mother talking. “What happened?” she asked as she sat up.
Your death, apparently.
Considering that it was already established that Glowstick would transform into a goddess upon her death, this murder was far less dramatic than is was likely intended to be.
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another pair of chapters!
In our last little slice we were introduced to Glowstick (AKA Angela) who is about ten pounds of Sue shoved into a five-pound sack. Of course, one of the canon characters (Foxy) is crushing hard on her instead of crushing her hard with his occasionally animatronic hands. There’s also been a few heavy hints that Glowstick is even more special than she appears, so that’s probably going to get even worse.
Foxy watched Angela perform while the mechanic fixed him up.
Because it is completely plausible that someone would carry out extensive (and probably very noisy) repairs on a piece of easily moved machinery in the restaurant rather than taking Foxy to some sort of repair shop where the mechanic would have better access to tools and parts.
He watched as she skillfully moved around the stage while playing her instrument, wishing that he could be up there with her.
I don’t really have a lot of experience in the area, but I don’t know of many musicians who play a violin and dance around at the same time. It would probably make both of those things more difficult.
She finished her performance and went to the office to take a nap before her shift tonight.
Based on the last chapter, she probably played one song and then went and slept for seven hours. That’s not really how jobs work.
Foxy sighed internally as the mechanic finished fixing him and shut the panel on his back and left.
I bet the mechanic just flipped a switch from “BROKEN” to “FIXED” and is going to charge several hundred for doing so.
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the beginning of a brand new fic! This is yet another one I pulled from my pile of FNAF fics, and has one of the most over the top Sues I’ve seen in a while.
Let’s take a look at the summary, which is what drew my attention to this fic.
Human Foxy x OC. Angela gets a job at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria so that she can at least pretend to be a normal teen, but everything changes when she meets a certain animatronic fox pirate that can turn human when he so chooses. Characters and the cover image belong to their respective creators.
Right away I’m getting a few red flags. First there’s the fact that Foxy can apparently turn human at will (a trait likely shared by the other animatronics) which is almost always a sign that the author wants their self-insert to be romantically involved with one of the animatronics without turning the restaurant into Freddy Fazbear’s Fuckbot Emporium. There’s also that none too subtle hint that the OC is not fully human, which typically means things are going to get very Sueish up in here. It would not surprise me if the Sue turns out to be some sort of billionaire super-powered mutant, or an alien, or really anything.
Angela smirked as she pulled her Hayabusa motorcycle to a stop in front of the place of her new job.
Seriously? We can’t get two words into the fic without busting out the ol’ smirk?
Sorry, boy; I’m going to have to ask you to sit out on this one. If the Sue is busting out a smirk this early, it’s not a good sign. I don’t want you getting carpal tunnel syndrome, or whatever the gong-wielding demonic three-headed sheep equivalent of that might be.
Cheer up; I think Gumdrop is making some of those alfalfa-liopleurodon brownies you like.
I will give the author some credit for using the model of motorcycle rather than just referring to it by its manufacturer, Suzuki.
She was supposed to be the new night guard to make sure no idiot decided to try and break in.
Is she supposed to call the Parking Authority if anyone parks at the curb in front of the restaurant? Because if she didn’t park in an actual space but just sort of left it out front, she’s probably parked in the fire lane. I hope she doesn’t live too far away, because she’s probably going to have to walk home after her shift.
The main reason she chose to work here is because she had some secrets she had to keep but would help her with the job that consisted of supposedly haunted animatronics.
I guess we have to establish how special and awesome the Sue is as quickly as possible, instead of investing any time in the setting.