2224: Howl – Chapter 5

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN! count: 59

On the Eleventh Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Eleven dooters dooting,
Ten sharks a-jumping,
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarnating idiots,
Seven Dakwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the Twelfth Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Twelve ninjas buttering,
Eleven dooters dooting,
Ten sharks a-jumping,
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarnating idiots,
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with the final installment of Howl! Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Author’s Note: Finally back with another installment.

We noticed.

However, I am sorry it is so short!

We’re not.

School is pretty much just kicking my butt right now, along with some changes at work and stuff.

Don’t care.

I will keep working on it though.

Obviously not.

Thank you so much for all the support and I hope you enjoy this latest part!

We won’t.

GoodJamags: Line break!

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2220: Howl – Chapter 4

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN! count: 44

On the Ninth Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarnating idiots,
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the Tenth Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Ten sharks a-jumping,
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarniting idiots,
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with more of this festive Christmas romp! Last time, Hans called his brother and busted the hacker guy out of jail. This took far more wordcount than necessary.

GoodJamags: Let’s dive on in!

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2215: Howl – Chapter 3

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN! count: 26

On the seventh day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the eighth day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Eight reincarnating idiots,
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking Raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with more of Howl, because apparently it’s festive or something.

GoodJamags: This still absolutely counts as a Christmas fic.

Whatever you say. Last time, we had an extended flashback where Hans boned the Sue and probably got wolfed, except for some reason his wolfiness didn’t surface for apparently some years afterwards. Why? Who gives a fuck?

Author’s Note: Alright, finally chapter three.

Not yet, apparently. We’ve got to wade through an unnecessarily long author’s note first. Gee, sure would be nice if we didn’t have to do that. I wonder if there’s some way of not putting those in the fic?

I’ve actually had it mostly written for a while, at least in my head.

No one cares.

Then I got a bit stuck and some stuff happened in my family, etc.

No one cares.

So, as usual, a bit alternate universe.

GoodJamags: You already said that in the first chapter. I don’t think you need to repeat it here.

Theo and Simon both make an appearance, sort of.

Stop writing about writing it and just write it.

Sort of a filler, but getting closer to the good stuff, if you know what I mean, or at least the overall purpose.

THE ENTIRE FUCKING FIC HAS BEEN FILLER, YOU LONG-WINDED HACK!

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2211: Howl – Chapter 2

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Author’s Note / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by BatJamags and GoodJamags

WARNING: Hey, you know what’s more fun than sticking suicide trivialization in the first chapter of your fic? Sticking it in the first two chapters of your fic.

WARNING 2: RAGE-INDUCING BOOGALOO: And our protagonist casually considers raping somebody. This fucking fic, man.

Beware, patrons! There’s sensuality in this chapter! And drinking! When will the debauchery end?! Yes, this is the part our dear author sees fit to warn us about.

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN! count: 18

On the fourth day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the fifth day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the sixth day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

Hello once again, and happy holidays, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with another thrilling chapter of Howl. GJ, tell them what happened last chapter.

GoodJamags: Absolutely nothing.

Bingo! To elaborate, there was an unnecessarily long author’s note. Then there was a pretentious and somewhat confusing journal thing. Then Hans Gruber from Die Hard survived getting shot out of a skyscraper because he was a werewolf. He killed some teenagers and decided to leave the country to go talk to the Sue.

GoodJamags: All of this was muddled by a multitude of incoherent tangents.

Indeed. The lack of proofreading is strong with this one.

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2205: Howl – Chapter 1

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Author’s Note / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags and GoodJamags

WARNING: Casual trivialization of suicide. Yaaaaaaaay…

On the First Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Porno music on the intercom!

On the Second Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Two talking Raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the Third Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking Raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

What in the name of god is that racket?! Some of us are trying to sleep here, you know!

GoodJamags: … I’m singing.

Your singing is worse than Nicranger’s characterization. Now what the fuck are you doing here? I’m riffing Mandalorian Effect alone and trust me, you do not want in on that.

GoodJamags: It’s December, you silly person! That means Christmas is coming! And that means we have to riff a badfic for a Christmas movie! And what better place to look than the greatest Christmas movie ever made!

It’s a Wonderful LifeWhite ChristmasMiracle on 34th Street?

GoodJamags: No, no, and no.

Uh, let’s see here… Remember the Night? Christmas in Connecticut?

GoodJamags: Mmm… Barbara Stanwyck…

*Waves hand in front of GoodJamags’ face*

GoodJamags: Uh… You didn’t hear that! Um… Right, uh… No, those aren’t right either.

Alright… What about… The Muppet Christmas Carol?

GoodJamags:

speechless-guy

GoodJamags: Alright, the second best Christmas movie ever made.

Oh, fuck it. I have no idea.

GoodJamags: DIE HARD!

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