2566: Legendary Dungeons, Futuristic Dragons – Chapter 15Posted: March 8, 2020
Title: D&D Tag Along
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapter 15
Critiqued by BatJamags and Kane
Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with the actual final installment of D&D Tag-Along. I hope. Unless this actually is as long as the first chapter (Spoiler: It’s actually one of the shorter chapters. The author was lying).
Last time, Hockey Stu turned out to not just be a demigod, but an ACTUAL FUCKING DEITY.
Kane: No, I believe that was Ehlonna and Nerull.
Wiseass. Anyway, Hockey Stu somehow got Nerull and Vecna to stop beating each other up and went to go fight the apparent main bad guy, who we don’t know anything about other than that he’s named Kas. Let’s get rolling.
D&D Tag Along
And in the end, that still hasn’t stopped not being not the title of the fic.
Kane: That was painful.
I did my best.
Chapter 15: Death, Betrayal, Lies, War, Arrogance
, and pie. There should be pie at the end. It’s the least you can do for your readers after making them sit through all of this.
A/N: I can’t believe that I’m finally finishing this fic. I’ve had some fun with it, but I know that I went a little overboard at times. So, this chapter is going to involve even more of these strange twists! I promise that you’ll all love the ending, but you may not like what happens between now and the end. It makes perfect sense and is really believable! Well, here goes…
Kane: These threats are indeed ominous.
My forces had gathered in the forest surrounding Dondoria. Over ten thousand strong, it was a force that could easily destroy Kas and his few remaining defenders. Now, all we were waiting for was the sun to peak over the horizon and we would attack. Everyone was tense, knowing full well that this could be their final act of bravery in this world. I knew that each and every one of them would fight to the death.
And it doesn’t matter at all, since none of the puny mortals are actually capable of affecting what happens to the two gods in this fight.
“Hey, Fido. How’d you managed to get such a huge force in such a short time?” I whispered to the green centaur.
Fido: I’m a Centaur. Where do you think all the horseshit in this story is coming from?
Fido looked back at the troops that he had gathered. “A lot of us knew that we would be rebelling against the king shortly after destroying Boneheimer. It was just a matter of getting rid of the bigger threat first.”
How did you know this?
I nodded in understanding, although the gesture was probably lost in the darkened sky. Off in the distance, the sky was just beginning to lighten, signaling that it was time to attack. I unsheathed my sword, holding the weapon high up in the air for everyone to see. “Charge!” I screamed out.
Kane: I would think that attacking under cover of night would be advantageous for the besieging forces.
The forest came to life as thousands of creatures stormed out of the foliage and towards the castle. Up on the ramparts, the guards hardly had time to call out a warning before they were bombarded with a blanket of arrows. The front gate of the castle was quickly raised, but not before a few hundred of the faster runners had managed to get inside.
They didn’t notice this army before it started charging? That’s really not how battles work.
Battle cries and falling bodies could be heard from inside the castle walls. It wasn’t long before the gate fell back down and the remainder of the force stormed into the castle. As we had planned, about half of the troops started to descend into the underground tunnels, while the remainder of us ravaged through the town. Strangely enough, we met with little resistance and no civilians whatsoever.
Kane: How convenient for you.
Our goal for the attack was to head straight for the largest building in town which served as the main castle. That was where Kas was, most likely. We arrived at the base of the building, and upon seeing that there were only two guards out front, I charged forward. I managed to smash my way past the two men, wildly hacking away at them. I was inside the building, but I stopped when I didn’t hear any footsteps follow me inside.
Kas probably just killed your dudes. Being, you know, A FUCKING GOD and all, that wouldn’t be difficult for him.
I returned to the door to see what had stopped my forces and was shocked at what I saw. At first I thought that it was only a minor surprise counter-attack, but then I realized the truth. Every one of Fido’s recruited soldiers had turned against my friends and the former forces of Boneheimer. Wesley was already dead, Jillian was dying, and everyone else was trying their hardest to stay alive. I tried to rush in to help them, but there was something blocking my way. Another invisible barrier, just like the one Boneheimer had used against me.
Oh no, Wesley. I knew so much about you. Like that you were… a dude. Probably. And you maybe had some arrows sometimes.
Kane: I suspect he is only mostly dead.
Kane, have you actually been watching movies?
Kane: I have no idea what you mean.
All I could do was watch helplessly as first Tagorus fell, followed soon by both Ashley and Joey. Sparks flew up into the air to escape the battle, but was soon quickly shot down with an arrow from Fido’s own bow. Deanna had a magic shield up, protecting herself and Rurik from the onslaught, but it was quickly fading. Boneheimer’s old troops were taking at least a hundred men with them before they too fell under the attack.
Well, that explains how Fido the Dog-Centaur pulled so many troops out of his ass.
“Fido! Why are you doing this?” Rurik demanded as the shield barely managed to hold together.
Fido: Shocking plot twist! That’s why!
The centaur leader smirked wickedly as he approached the wavering shield. His bow was taught with an arrow pointed straight at Rurik. “I want to be on the side that wins.” He explained coldly, firing the arrow the second the barrier fell.
Kane: Imbecile. Your faction was winning, and your own forces comprise merely a sixth of the total force. You could scarcely choose a less opportune moment for a backstabbing.
“Deanna!” I yelled out in vain. The remaining betrayers had launched themselves upon the helpless sorcerer. “No…” I whispered, sinking to my knees. Suddenly, I was knocked back by a massive shockwave that shattered the invisible barrier.
And where’d this barrier come from?
I managed to get back up to my feet and couldn’t believe what I saw. Deanna was standing in the middle of a huge circle of pure destruction. Not a single living thing remained around her. Deanna was breathing hard from the strain of whatever she had done. I rushed forward to her side, just arriving there in time to catch her as she collapsed. Deanna smiled up at me, her lips quivering, “So, that’s what Wish does when you wish for safety.”
Kane: That’s still not how a Wish spell functions.
“Deanna…” I began, but it was too late. Her body had become limp in my arms and her eyes became dead of all emotion. I reached over and closed her eyes, letting my tears fall onto her cheek.
And that is really not how safety works.
“About time that she died.” A familiar voice, one that I did not wish to hear again, stated. I could only hope that my hearing had played a trick on my. I raised my eyes from Deanna to look upon the familiar form that now stood at the entrance of the castle. There stood someone who I had killed once before. Boneheimer. “How? I killed you once already!” I stated in disbelief.
Oh, fucking hell. Can’t you just, like, incinerate this guy? YOU ARE A FUCKING GOD.
Kane: Again, not him. The-
Yes, yes, shut up.
Boneheimer managed a smile, flexing his newly re-grown arm. The Mindflayer/Lich had returned to his full form, not having any hint of the injuries that he had sustained by my hand. “Did you forget that I am part Lich? I can regenerate and come back from the dead as long as this remains intact.” Boneheimer held up a shiny little jewel that resembled… no! It was the jewel that I had retrieved off the Kobold King. Stupid Kobolds. I swear that I’ll kill ever single one that I ever run into.
Hey, casual genocide. At least the author almost* understands how liches work.
*There’s no such thing as a part-lich. A demilich is a weakened lich who’s reverted to a dormant state, but that’s not the same thing as what Bonehead McEvil here is. Bonehead’s a Mind Flayer who happens to be a lich. Simple as that. One’s a species, and one’s a method of achieving immortality via undeath. It’s like saying a Dwarf Wizard is part Dwarf and part Wizard.
Kane: Rather, he is entirely an idiot for selecting-
-An inferior spellcasting class, yeah.
“So you had Fido lie to us about the purpose of the jewel so that we would retrieve it for you?” I surmised, my sword and shield held ready for battle.
Kane: Ah, the gem’s status as a phylactery rather than a font of magical energy in its own right would help to explain the utter ineffectuality of those who’ve wielded it thus far.
Don’t get too excited; everybody’s an idiot in this story.
My enemy laughed at my hostility. “What makes you think that you can defeat me again? I let you win that first time, just so that this little meeting would become possible.”
Why?! WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?! WHY WON’T YOU JUST FUCKING KILL HIM, YOU INSUFFERABLE IDIOT?!
I let out a low growl to show my anger. What was with these evil creatures developing really complicated plots to kill of people who I cared for? “Let me guess, the king isn’t actually Kas. He’s just a regular human who didn’t like me.”
If Hockey Stu turns out to not actually be a god, I’ll be mildly impressed.
“Correct.” Another familiar unwanted voice commented from my left. I turned to face the speaker and had correctly assumed the identity of the new arrival. “Vecna…” I growled. I really felt like letting go of the final shred of sanity that remained in my mind and go postal on the two lich creatures.
Kane: Something which would be completely meaningless at this point.
“Do it, Tint! Kill! Make your father proud!” A haunting, evil voice laughed. Nerull laughed as I turned to face him as he joined the circle of evil creatures surrounding me. “Humansssss are ssssso guilable. They insssstatly believe everything sssssomeone like me ssssaysssss. There issssss no way I would fornicate with an elf.”
So all of the bullshit I’ve been wading through for the last four chapters was entirely pointless, is basically what you’re saying.
“Then, you aren’t my father?” I asked in disbelief, falling off my high horse that I had created assuming that I was of full god heritage.
“No, you are just a regular human who happens to be a half god because a slut like Ehlonna finally popped out a kid.” Vecna insulted.
Well, that’s… something. I… think.
“Hey, all of you, just shut up! I’ve had enough of you guys. You killed my friends, you’ve been using me as a pawn, and now you’re insulting my mother! It’s time for me to kick your asses!” I yelled out as I charged forward at Boneheimer.
Kane: And you intend to accomplish this… how?
I swung wildly at the mindflayer/lich but nothing was connecting with his decrepit flesh. “Surely, you cannot expect to emerge victorious? There is no way for the son of a weak goddess to defeat two gods and a creature of such immense power as myself.” Boneheimer gloated. He was probably telling the truth, though, but his voice was changing. It might have been my imagination, but he was starting to sound like Joey.
… For some reason.
Nerull couldn’t stop laughing at my useless attempt to fight. “You are too full ofyourself.” He admonished, his voice becoming higher in pitch, resembling Ashley’s voice. What the hell was going on?
*Sigh* Probably some bullshit.
The world was beginning to fade away, leaving us in a completely black realm with no buildings or ground. “Maybe this was what happened before you died.” I thought as I felt something stab through my gut. “You have become too powerful for your own good.” Vecna admonished, his own voice turning into Wesley’s.
Wait a minute…
Suddenly, I understood everything. The blackness faded away and I found myself sitting at a table. Across the table were Joey, Ashley, and Wesley, each with a character sheet in front of them. Spread out across the table was an assortment of dice and books. It was all just a game.
Oh, for the love of fuck.
“Look, Tint. We’re quitting. You’re a horrible DM. You put your own character into the game, made him so powerful that even gods couldn’t touch him.” Wesley stated in disgust, pushing the character sheet labeled Vecna toward me. Joe and Ashley quickly agreed, handing over Boneheimer and Nerull respectively.
OK, some fair points:
First: Hockey Stu would make a shit DM.
Second: This is better than having it be all just a dream, I… guess.
That said, you’ve just undermined your entire story. Like, all of that nonsense was absolutely, totally, supremely pointless.
“Come on guys, I did what I had to do to make the game interesting for you! You didn’t like playing as Jillian, Rurik, and Tagorus, so I added in your own characters for you to play. When they got killed, I gave you control of these three evil guys. Tint was only super strong so that you could actually beat everything along the way.” I explained, but it was too late. My friends had gotten up from their seats and were walking out of the library where we had gathered to play our game.
Wow, you are truly a special kind of stupid.
I grumbled slightly as I collected up my books and dice. “Stupid, non-believers of the fantasy world. I’m never playing Dungeons and Dragons with someone who doesn’t understand the game, again.” I promised.
This is coming from the guy who let his players take over a bunch of evil deities to facilitate his own self-insert.
“Uhm, excuse me.” A soft, delicate voice interrupted my complaints. I turned to snap at the newcomer, but found myself speechless. It was Deanna, the same beauty who I had placed into the game and based the character on. Basically, the situation in the story was pretty similar to the one in real life, except her father didn’t own the game store and that she was one of the popular people and I wasn’t. Now, she was here, talking to me, in a public place no less.
Well, good to know that Real!Tint is as much of a creepy jackass as the Hockey Stu in the game.
“Can… Can I help you with something?” I stuttered. Curse the natural reflexes of a geek when introduced to a hot chic.
Deanna smiled innocently as she approached the table. Her eyes passed over the D&D books before me, intrigued by the unknown realms that could await her. She picked up a twenty-sided die and examined it. Natural instincts of a non-player; they weren’t aware that dice came with different numbers of sides. Deanna gently rolled the die along the table, watching as the tiny green object stop on twenty. “I’ve always been interested in learning how to play this game. Do you think that you can teach me?”
NO! STAY AWAY! THIS WILL ONLY LEAD TO BAD THINGS!
So much for my promise. I pulled out the chair next to me, offering her to sit down. Within seconds, I had a blank character sheet out and the player handbook open. Deanna took a seat as I began to explain the game, “It’s simple, really. There are the players, who control the characters, and the DM, who controls the monsters and thinks up of the story. Since, I don’t have a group, it might be a while before we actually start playing, but…”
GET OUT OF THERE!
Deanna cut me off, “Don’t worry about other people. I have some friends who want to play also.”
Oh, geez. That won’t end well.
To make a long story short, I am now the proud DM of a group of four girls, including Deanna. I’m going to need to make this world contain a lot more females, because they keep seducing every male shopkeeper, guard, or barkeep they run across. It’s working, though. We meet weekly in the library, where they can keep it a secret from the rest of the school. But in the hallways, they always refer to me as “Master”. Most of the other people think that it’s an insult, but I know better. Judging from the flirtation that’s going on between Deanna and myself, we might not be far off from where our characters ended off.
Seriously, though. What the hell?! The fucking fuck?!
A/N: I’m done! I know that some of you are going to complain that the ending was expected, but how else do you end a story like this? All characters in this story are only partially based on real life people, or are complete works of fiction based on the D&D world. Any ideas that appeared in this story that you wish to use, go right ahead. I’m just happy to provide everyone with some entertainment. Bye now!
Give me some time to process all of the horseshit I just swallowed.
*Fifteen or so minutes later*
OK, I grew up learning to analyze stories based on Aristotle’s six dramatic elements, so I think I’ll break down all the reasons this thing sucks based on that.
The message of this story is “If you’re a creepy, incompetent moron and alienate all your friends, you’ll still get away with it and get the girl in the end.”
That was almost subverted by the ending (where Tint is shown to be a truly shitty DM who built a campaign around his Gary Stu DMPC and couldn’t acknowledge when it was falling apart), but then the author went and gave the idiot an obnoxious, wish fulfillment-laden ending.
The plot meanders around through about a hundred different disjointed threads without ever tying the whole thing together. It is utterly moronic, and is rendered perfectly pointless by the ending. There is no structure or arc to it, and any that there could’ve been was defused by bizarre pacing and the lack of anything resembling a proper resolution.
Tint is the fundamental problem with this story, far more so than anything else. He’s a total stud who’s a kickass martial artist and athlete. He is drawn into D&D world through the sheer force of his boner for a woman he’s never met. He proceeds to bumble his way through most of the fic, walking dimly into incredibly obvious traps and surviving only by the grace of similarly incompetent villains. All the while, he acts like a creepy dick to Deanna and can’t take a goddamned hint. We are supposed to find him sympathetic and likable, by the way. Then, in some misguided attempt to justify his existence, the author makes him not just a demigod, but an ACTUAL FUCKING DEITY. This comes with a corresponding increase in dickishness. Just at the apex of this character’s intolerable wankery, the author almost pulls the rug out from under us. Almost has a little “gotcha” moment where the obnoxious power fantasy appears to be a deliberate, in-universe construct. But then the wish fulfillment kicks back in, and despite his creepy attitude towards someone who turns out to be a “real” person, the character just gets everything he wanted, as though his players really were being unreasonable in calling him on his bullshit.
This is not made any better by the fact that, if his username is any indication, this character is a self-insert. Hell, it’s entirely possible that Deanna is a real person who this author is really creeping after. The author’s note at the end left it pretty ambiguous.
Meh, the narration and dialogue are a little stilted at times, but I’ve seen far worse, to be honest. Like, not good, but not the core problem here.
The tone is all over the board. We go from bizarre multiversal action story to quirky meta-comedy playing with D&D tropes to generic fantasy to apocalyptic dungeon punk to pretentious philosophical commentary to juvenile wish fulfillment.
Like, what the actual fuck were you hoping to accomplish, author?
The bland narration and horrible plot drain any enthusiasm for even the story’s more superficial elements.
In sum? This fic sucks ass. You’ve been a little quiet, Kane. Thoughts?
Kane: This story has fallen beneath my attention.
Cool. Anyway, I’ll be back next time to help GoodJamags riff some more of The Shadow Warriors.
And now, your out-of-context quote from the next riff:
John Batman got on his batcycl and said “its time for me to live up to my bat-family name and face full life bat-consequences” so he had to go.