2536: Battlestar Prometheus – Chapter 1

Title: Battlestar Prometheus
Author: Ruin Queen of Oblivion
Topic: Battlestar Galactica (2003-05)/X-Men
Media: TV show/Multi-media comics franchise
Genre: Sci-fi/Adventure
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9266464
Critiqued by Crazy Minh and Major Wade

[And now, a riff that Crazy Minh sent me more than a month ago. Sorry about that. I’ve also taken the liberty of adding a few insights about the X-Men half of the crossover, mostly identifying characters the author doesn’t describe very well and providing wiki links for curious patrons. – Bats]

Hello, dear patrons, and a very Merry Christmas to you all! Welcome to the first break in the monotony that is EclipsePheniox’s ‘Trapped in 40k’. I’m your guest riffer, Crazy Minh, and over there at the tactical console is our special guest, Major Wade!

Sir…do we really have to do this?

Oh no, we do. Now, as I’ve already made clear in my riff of ‘Battlestar Highschoolia’, I am a massive BSG fan. In my humble opinion, Battlestar Galactica (2003) is the best military science-fiction TV show of the early 2000’s. In terms of broader science-fiction greats of the era, it ranks up there with Firefly, Star Trek: Enterprise, and Stargate: Atlantis. It is- for either the better or worse- the progenitor of the recent tsunami of dark, gritty science-fiction television programs that have taken over the genre. But unlike some shows (*cough*Discovery*cough*), it doesn’t take the road into edgelord territory. Well…for the most part, at least. The show was- and still is- extremely popular. I’d highly recommend watching it if you already haven’t. If you have watched it, watch it again!

With that popularity comes the obligatory fanfiction. With that fanfiction comes the bizarre crossovers. Thus, we have ‘Battlestar Prometheus’, a crossover with X-Men, which is 90% blatant plot-regurgitation, and 10% plain wrong. Let us begin:

This is another one of my crossover stories, while it is more based on Battlestar Galactica than the X-Men, I have taken some liberties with the way I have decided to portray characters from X-Men and the Galactica universe.

No shit, Sherlock! I take especial annoyance at when a fanfiction author proceeds to ‘take liberties’ with characters, especially since there are literally no Galactica characters in this entire fic. They’ve all been replaced with goddam X-Men! Badly!

Do not expect it to completely follow the formula of the re-imagined series, there will be surprises along the way.

Except you proceed to completely regurgitate the plot of the first half of the introductory miniseries, fuck up major details of the said miniseries, and proceed to follow the formula almost to the bloody letter.

Well, lets hope that it’ll go well, wish me luck.

Disclaimer: I don’t own X-Men or Battlestar Galactica.

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PROLOGUE:

ALL THIS HAS HAPPEND

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WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE LORDS OF KOBOL???

All those zeroes, man! All the zeroes! It’s the score the fanfiction Olympics gave this fic!

No, goddammit, that’s not what I meant! Why the fuck is the prologue titled ‘All this has happend’? Ignoring the misspelling, that’s part of the quote ‘All this has happened, and will happen again’; one of the big parts of the show’s story arc! That quote doesn’t even come up in the miniseries! Only in the television show that followed the miniseries!

Over 30 years ago, the humans of the 12 Colonies of Kobol developed a new machine called a Cylon. Built to help humans in battle among other things, the Cylons originally saw action during the minor conflict that rose between humans and mutants, but towards the end of the so-called Mutant War, the Cylons rose up against both humans and mutants.

*PHTOOM*

THE MINISERIES STARTS 40 YEARS AFTER THE FIRST CYLON WAR, NOT FUCKING 30!!! Also, no! They don’t develop the Cylons as the ’12 Colonies’, since prior to the robot uprising, the colonies are completely sovereign, and often at odds with each other! While I dislike the prequel series Caprica, it is canonised that the Cylons were developed on Caprica, and only ended up on other colonies either due to agreements with Greystone Industries (the creators of the Cylons) or by the space-mafia stealing units to sell on the black market to other colonies! Also, why the fuck did this show decide that mutants needed to be a part of it? The existence of the mutant powers from X-Men would solve so many fucking problems!

Following the initial uprising, the president of the colonies on Caprica called for a ceasefire with the Mutants, they had a mutual enemy in the Cylons now.

NO!!! There was no fucking president at that time! It was only during the war that the 12 Colonies of Kobol came to be! How could there be a fucking president if the said government didn’t fucking exist?

And so began the Cylon War, a war that would ravage the colonies, and as such the colonial fleet launched 12 massive ships called Battlestars, a mixture of a battleship and a carrier, these massive ships could go toe to toe with anything the Cylons threw at them. By the end of the war, these Battlestars and their crews would become the stuff of legend, ships like the Pandora, Theseus, or Prometheus.

There is so much wrong with this. Ok, so firstly? Battlestars died frequently during the Cylon War. Here’s a clip of the Battlestar Columbia being destroyed during the events of that conflict. Well, actually the end of that conflict.

Secondly, THERE IS NO BATTLESTAR PANDORA!!! OR THESEUS (who didn’t even exist in this era: he wouldn’t be born for another…I dunno…couple of millennia?)!!! As for the Promethus…that doesn’t exist either! Here’s the named Battlestars from the show, and as you’ll see, there’s no Pandora, Promethues, OR Theseus!

Minh7

In any case, Prometheus is meant to be this crossover’s version of the Galactica. Why you’d call it Prometheus rather than Galactica is beyond me. Other than the name, they are exactly the same bloody ship!

The Prometheus, Gods its been that long now since I first served on her, my first assignment, a rookie Viper pilot from Libran just out of the academy, and there I was on the front lines, a Mutant no less, but the others didn’t mind. But I saw my first combat on board the Prometheus, and for 10 years I fought the Cylons. Then, the call was made, the Armistace between the colonies and the Cylons had been signed, the Gods must have been smiling on us.

Oh god, the run-on sentences. Also, if this is meant to be Adama, he’s from Caprica, and he’s of Tauron descent. He’s definitely not Libran.

Sir…this isn’t Adama

What? But Adama is the commander of the Galactica! Or rather, the Prometheus! He’s…

Remember how there are no characters from Battlestar Galactica?

Oh…oh no…

Also, note that this character is a mutant. Is Adama a mutant?

Oh fuck no…

Yeah. Ladies, Gentlemen, and Shinobi; our narrator is none other than…

After the Armistace, I tried piecing my life back together, got married even, had a kid, but the call to the Colonial Fleet brought me back. I later was given command of a Battlestar, but I’ve made sacrifices, my husband left me, my daughter barely talks to me anymore… and after the last incident, I’m lucky to still be in command, ironically of my old ship the Prometheus.

Now the old girl’s being turned into a Museum, and, to be honest, I’m not sure what is left for me in the Colonial Fleet…

Who am I? I am Commander Anna Marie Minerva, Commanding Officer of the Battlestar Prometheus.

Um…that’s not a X-Men character.

No. But, if you look at the X-men crossover wiki…

Oh god, there’s a entire wiki for that…?

You’ll see that this OC is meant to be a stand-in for Rogue.

[Comic Nerd’s Note: Not sure what Minh was looking at in terms of the term “stand-in.” Notably, Rogue’s canonical last name has never been revealed, but she is named Anna Marie. So I’m guessing this is a fanon surname. Not sure why she’d be the admiral, though. Professor Xavier, Cyclops, or even Magneto would be more logical choices. – Bats]

Ah! Well, I guess she’ll be able to tell if someone’s a Cylon real easy! She just has to touch them and-

Um…none of the mutants in this fic ever use their powers.

What? Then what was the whole bloody…y’know, let’s just get on with this.

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Ever since the end of the Cylon War, the 12 Colonies of Kobol sent a representative out to meet with a Cylon representative at the Armistace line to keep relations good. However, since the end of the war 25 years prior, the Cylons had never sent a representative to the station, in fact no one had heard from them since the Armistace was signed.

Thank you for regurgitating the introductory text of the miniseries. Incorrectly at that. Also, suddenly it’s 25 years since the war instead of 30! It’s also still meant to be bloody 40!!!

Major Robert Parker had been assigned to the Armistace Station in order to meet with the Cylon representative if they came. He takes a seat at the desk, taking out the files on the Cylons from the war, looking them over just in case the Cylons arrived, but it was unlikely they would, he’d remain for another hour before returning to Caprica.

What? Hang on, the Armistice Officer was never named, either in the script or in the miniseries itself! His son is named, sure (and appears for all of two scenes in the TV show, despite the original series bible saying he’d be a major character, and the character of Boxey being a big part of the original 70’s show)…but he’s never given a name! Also, what is it with authors I riff and bloody run on sentences! I swear, I don’t go looking for this shit, but every goddam fic I see has this goddamm bullshit!!!

That’s when he hears an airlock opening, then two hulking machines that look vaguely humanoid with a crest on their heads and a black bar with a red sensor moving back and forth steps into view. Parker nearly falls out of his chair, while the machine was different, the only thing it could be was a Cylon. As he starts to get up, they are joined by a third individual, only this one isn’t a machine, its a woman with long blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, wearing a revealing white top and long pants, she looks at Parker, who’s jaw drops.

WHAT??? NO!!! If this is meant to be the Six from the Armistice Station, she’s in a fucking red dress! This is one of the most iconic scenes from the show, and you fucked it up!! It’s one of the best openings of any TV show in history!!! Here, patrons, look!!!

For good measure, it’s followed by one of the most brilliant single-take scenes I’ve ever seen! Here’s the scene after the title card!!

Nearly four minutes of pure awesome.

[The Comic Nerd Returns: I’m going to go out a limb and guess this is supposed to be Emma Frost. For… some reason. She is a blonde who wears skimpy white clothes, but she is not a robot. So, uh, yeah. – Bats]

“Are you alive?” The strange woman says.

“Y-yes,” he stutters, watching as the woman saunters up to him, sitting down on the table in front of him. “Yes, I am.”

“Prove it,” the woman says, leaning forward, and kissing Parker on the lips as the two Cylons look on passively, she breaks the kiss after a moment. “It has begun.”

Outside, two massive ships are near the station, one launches a missile coliding with it, and destroying the station. The Cylon invasion of the colonies had begun.

*sigh*…not only did they get the order of events wrong, they got the motherfucking pacing wrong too. Congratulations, author. You get a gold star.

Now, as I’m a massive fanboy, I can’t resist giving a explanation of why this scene is awesome. So, there’s a good deal of meaning just in the colour of Six’s red dress. The #6 Cylons (played by model Tricia Helfer in her very first acting role) are the more sensual model. They often use the act of romance and seduction to get their way. This is opposed to the #8 models (played by Grace Park), who represent sensitivity and compassion, and use this to infiltrate human society. The dress’s colour represents this seductive nature, as red is often the colour of passion, desire and love.

In addition, note the relative lack of colour in the set and the lighting. The station is bare, metallic, and unadorned. The only real colour prior to the arrival of the Cylons is in the pictures the Armistice Officer puts on his desk, the flags on either side of the table, and the officer’s own skin. Everything else seems to be bleak, lifeless and without colour. The minute you see the #6, she becomes the most vibrantly coloured thing on the set. This highlights the whole theme of life, death, and rebirth within the show. This is the moment that the world ends for the Colonials…but is also the moment they are born anew.

I’m oversimplifying the scene’s meaning, but it’s still really powerful in terms of message, and it’s a goddamm brilliant opening for such a great show. It’s a shame that BSG ended so fucking terribly. That goddamm fourth season…what a fucking waste.

“All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.”

…that’s not even a line from the miniseries, let alone this scene.

We then suddenly transition into chapter 1, although it seems that ‘Chapter One’ is just a scene change that the author was too lazy to split into a separate chapter. Or (for that matter) make part of the first chapter. There’s only two real chapters to this fic, although the whole thing is short enough it could be a single oneshot. Anyway, I digress. Moving along, we have this:

The Battlestar Prometheus was a large ship, its enormous bulk with the two drive pods on either end made some wonder how it and its sister ships had ever survived the war, but the original Battlestars had been the model for all the others. The Prometheus was getting old however, having seen its fair share of action, the Colonial Fleet had made the decision to retire the old ship, and turn it into a Museum, which was why it was busy on this particular day.

Um…what?

Minh8

I don’t see those engines and the front and back. There’s four drive pods at the stern which house the engines, the armoured prow at the bow which presumably houses crew quarters or something along those lines, and two flight pods on the sides of the main hull. If the author was referring to the flight pods as engines, I highly doubt they’ve actually watched Battlestar Galactica, as it is made very clear than those are not engines. For the entire show, Galactica has only one operational flight pod on the port side. The starboard flight deck is a museum, with glass windows over the open ends to keep the air in; and the hangar deck is a frakking gift shop. Well, until they start the hangar as a refugee camp in Season 3. But still, it’s definitely not a engine. You can see Vipers flying in and out either end (since the majority of the pod is completely hollow and open to space on both the front and back), and the lower section contains the hangar deck and the launch tubes for the Vipers. It’s true that they could be mistaken for engines, but I don’t get how someone could think they’re mounted on the bow and stern, and not the port and starboard sides of the main hull.

Unless they expect us to believe this is a completely different design to the canon Battlestar Galactica, in which case they’d have been better off telling us what it looks like. They’d probably also been better off writing a completely original story, since the only thing that comes from X-Men here are the names; and the only thing from BSG is the author’s mangled version of the story and setting.

“The Prometheus was built to fight in an age where the enemy could use a ship’s systems against them,” James Maddrox, a young man with short brown hair, wearing a neatly pressed suit says, leading a group through the corridors of the Prometheus. “The original 12 Battlestars, one for each colony, where designed originally for combat in the Mutant War, but following the Cylon uprising, the need for more powerful ships became apparent. So, to combat this new threat, they looked backward, so you’ll see things that by today’s standards may seem archaic, like phones with cords, or computers that aren’t networked…”

I…I don’t even need to explain why this is wrong. First off, I’m no X-Men expert, but I’m pretty sure that whoever James Maddrox is, he’s not a Cylon. He’s certainly not the Number Five version, known to the Galactica crew as the ‘Aaron Doral’ model.

[The Comic Nerd Strikes Again: James “Jamie” Madrox, AKA Multiple Man, is an ally of the X-Men with the mutant ability to create duplicates of himself, which are independent but psychically linked to the original. – Bats]

Secondly, what? Why the fuck would a Battlestar be needed for a fight against fucking mutants? Did the mutants have their own spacecraft? Why would you invent a fucking Battlestar– to fight mutants? Why would mutants be able to use a ship’s systems against them? Why the fuck is this a thing suddenly? Also, if they were the enemy, how the fuck did one end up commanding a Battlestar, or flying in the Colonial fleet?

The tour group goes past a woman in her 50’s with short greying auburn hair and white bangs, wearing the blue uniform of a Colonial Fleet Commander. She’s going through a series of notecards, she’s making sure that everything is ready for the decomissioning ceremony.

Um…in the original scene, Adama isn’t going through ‘notecards’. He’s reading off a sheet of paper. On a side note, you may have noticed in those two clips that the Colonials use octagonal shapes for their paper, as opposed to our contemporary rectangular sheets. They also have octagonal playing cards, octagonal signs, octagonal books, octagonal bank notes, and so forth. Basically, anything rectangular that we normally write on or put writing or images on, they have a octagonal version instead. It’s kinda a cool visual quirk of the show, and it’s kinda charming.

Commander Anna Marie Minerva was the commanding officer of the Prometheus, she had also been a Viper pilot assigned to it back during the Cylon war, and even after her career, she wasn’t sure if there was anything left for her.

No. I’m sorry, but even IF this is a X-Men crossover, you do not replace motherfucking Adama. Many remember Edward James Olmos for his role as Gaff in Blade Runner. I remember him as the only true representation of Commander Adama. Lorne Green can go fuck a duck as far as I’m concerned.

This…

…and this…

…and this motherfucking speech

Heh. Honestly? Olmos IS Adama as far as I’m concerned. He defined the character, certainly more than Lorne Green did in the original 70’s version. Then Caprica went and fucked over his family history, screwed the continuity with that motherfucking proto-skinjob, spent its time being a prequel to BSG without much to do with BSG, and got cancelled after one season for a good fucking reason: it was a total shitshow.

“Commander Minerva,” a young man with short brown says, coming up next to her, wearing a grey shirt and black muscle shirt over it with military issue pants, his eyes covered by a pair of ruby quartz sunglasses. Scott Summers was one of the Viper pilots on the Prometheus, part of it pained her a little, she had known his brother through her daughter. “Is everything all right, Commander?”

Urgh…is Cyclops meant to be subbing in for Starbuck? Fucking hell “Ruin Queen”, you not only swap out the best portrayal of Commander Adama, you also swap out the best portrayal of Starbuck. Aka Katee Sackhoff, Aka Lt. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace. Dirk Benedict can go die in a fire. He’s not even remotely on the same level as Katee Sackhoff.

This…

…and this…

…and this

“As well as can be expected, Captain,” Marie says. “Hard to believe they’re retiring this old ship.”

“No argument here, Commander,” Scott says. “This ship is supposed to be a Battlestar, not a museum.”

Let’s see…ripping lines from other characters to give to a single character…check…inexplicable usage of X-Men characters in the place of any and all canon characters…check…I don’t see how any of this is really meant to be entertaining.

“Agreed,” Marie says, barely looking at the man.

“Talk to you later, ma’am,” Scott says, continuing on his way down the hall.

Marie looks up from her notecards finally, shaking her head as another tour group enters nearby. This is getting rediculous… she thinks to herself. And the worst was still to come, the President of the colonies was sending a member of his cabinet to the ceremony, the Secretary of Mutant Affairs, who she was familiar with from before the war.

Oh fuck no. They got rid of Roslin too.

“If you’re just now joining us from the Pyramid Game on Gemmenon, welcome to 20 Questions,” a woman with shoulder length blonde hair, wearing a pantsuit says on a screen. “Today, I have the pleasure of talking with Dr. Robert Kelly, one of the foremost computer programming experts in the colonies, welcome Doctor.”

GAWD NO!!! THEY REPLACED BALTAR TOO???

Jesus motherfucking Christ…not only did they replace one of the most interesting characters from BSG…but they replaced him with a character in X-Men who’s often just a plain villain or antagonist. Jesus…look, Baltar isn’t a villain. He’s not the hero, and he’s not a antihero. Baltar is a genius. He’s the 12 Colonies’ version of Stephen Hawking, minus the paralysis and the wheelchair. He’s a physicist, a computer scientist, a talented public speaker, and a all-around egotistical playboy. He’s one of the deepest and most interesting characters in the show, as we follow him from the atheistic, world-renowned scientist who betrayed his species, and killed his civilisation; to the most despised convict in the Fleet, struggling with his views on religion; to the Messiah of a entire religious movement. Him and Caprica Six are the two characters who best represent BSG.

Oh, and now RQoO wants to replace him with motherfucking Senator Kelly. Fuck off.

[The Comic Nerd- OK, these jokes are going to get awkward real fast, so let’s switch to something more X-Men related. Ahem.]

[The Comic Nerd Saga: Senator Robert Kelly is the X-Men franchise’s go-to mutant-hating douchebag politician. That’s basically all there is to him, and he’s certainly not a computer programming expert. If you’re replacing all the BSG characters and they don’t act like the X-Men characters or use any of their mutant abilities, what is even the point?! – Bats]

“Its good to be here, Trisha,” Dr. Robert Kelly, a man with short brown and grey hair, wearing glasses and a casual outfit. He was sitting in a house on the outskirts of Caprica City on Caprica. “And I want to thank you for this opportunity to discuss something that is important to both myself, and the future of our colonies.”

No!!! You didn’t even bother to make this guy charming!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? DOESNOTCOMPUTEDOESNOTCOMPUTEDOESNOTCOMPUTEDOESNOTCOMPUTE-

*Headsplosion*

*Minh respawns wearing Princess Leia’s slave outfit from Star Wars Episode VII*

God, this is uncomfortable. It’s rubbing in all the wrong places.

“Yes, Dr. Kelly, I understand that you are starting to push again for research into artificial intelligence,” Trisha says on the screen, which was transmitting with Robert’s image all over the colonies. “Are you sure that’s a wise decision after the Cylon war?”

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Fucking hell. Not only is this scene blatantly regurgitating the plot of the original scene; it’s also doing it without any sort of changes to accommodate the existence of mutants. Author, listen here. What if- and this is a big if here- you remove the Cylons, and just have Mutants instead? That way, you can really change things around. Kelly could be more like his comic counterpart, and be a bigoted scientist with political aspirations. The reason for the destruction of the 12 colonies could be some plot by Magneto to take revenge on the humans (it’s not like he hasn’t done that before. On multiple occasions), which results in the complete annihilation of humanity. The cylon sleeper agents could be mutants instead. The “Cylon detector” could be a “mutant gene” detector instead. There is so much potential to be had with even a weird-ass concept like this crossover AND YOU ARE BADLY REGURGITATING PLOT INSTEAD OF DOING ANYTHING WITH IT!!!

*PHTOOM!!!*

“We cannot allow the mistakes of the past to cloud our vision of the future,” Robert says. “Yes, mistakes where made when the Cylons where made, but we have a chance to correct those mistakes. The continued research into computer systems will give us an opportunity to recognize the mistakes made in the original creations, and we will…”

As Robert continues, a woman physically identical to the one who had been on the Armistice Station walks through the door. She smiles a little to herself, watching him talk, moving past him, making him pause briefly in his discussion when she gives him a seductive smile, throwing the scientist off his game a moment before he turns back to the TV.

A few minutes later, the interview ends, and Robert follows the woman into the bedroom.

With that, we get a scene change. What’s comes next is yet another regurgitated scene…

“Prometheus, this is Renegade, requesting permission to dock,” a young woman says, she’s seated in the cockpit of a Viper, a fighter developed for use on a Battlestar.

Oh hell no…

No…nonononono…Captain Apollo, what did they do to you?

First off, how the fuck do you go from “Apollo” to “Renegade”? Secondly, is every motherfucking major character barring Six and Baltar fucking gender flipped??? We have a female Not!Adama, a female Not!Apollo, and a male Not!Starbuck. Oh, and a male Not!Roslin. We haven’t seen any of the other characters like Tyrol, Cally, Gaeta, or Boomer; but I’m sure that there’ll be some sort of unholy character replacement going on there too.

[The Dark Comic Nerd Saga: For the record, I’m coming up with zilch for “Renegade.” – Bats]

Not only that, but the Viper wasn’t developed for use on Battlestars. In the spinoff Caprica, we clearly see simulated versions of previous versions of the Viper. The first chronological version is a two-engine monoplane that has a heavy WWII aesthetic. The script for the episode they appear in calls them the “Vintage Viper”. Here’s a picture:

Then we have the “Air Force Viper”, which is a visual mix between the real world F/A-18 Hornet and the Grumman F-14 Tomcat. It’s a solely atmospheric craft analogous to a modern day fighter jet. Here’s a picture:

Neither of these craft were designed to work in space, and Battlestars didn’t exist till after the events of Caprica. In fact, it’s probable that these craft are already out of service by the time of Caprica, as we see far more advanced craft in use by the military.

“Roger Renegade, you are clear for hands-on approach,” comes the answer on the other end.

“Prometheus, did you say hands on?” Renegade asks, blinking a little, hands on wasn’t standard on a Battlestar.

“Affirmative,” is the answer. Renegade just sighs, and pulls her Viper into the port landing bay that was coming up on her.

So the port landing bay was coming up on her. She wasn’t coming up on the landing bay. Sudden independently-moving landing bay is sudden you-know-what-I-just-said.

As the Viper is pulled into the hangar deck, the pilot climbs out, removing her helmet letting her long auburn hair and white bangs flow out. “What’s going on, is your landing computer malfunctioning? I had to go in hands on,” she asks, looking at the chief, a young man with dark hair, wearing an orange jumpsuit.

…now comes Not!Tyrol

“Its all hands on here,” Chief Roberto DaCosta tries to explain, it was difficult for new arrivals to the Prometheus, he doesn’t look at her right away. “Commander Minerva’s orders.”

*Minh frowns*

Who???

*lookshitup.exe™*

Ah fuck, it’s another X-Men character. Whose background has literally nothing to do with engineering. I mean, fucking Beast would have been a better choice for the deck chief of a military vessel. He’s intelligent, has a background in science and engineering, and has a personality that would better fit the role of Tyrol. Not only is the author replacing the Galactica crew with mutants for no fucking reason, they’re also doing it badly.

[Comic Book Nerd: Days of Future Past: Sunspot was definitely not who I expected to see here. – Bats]

“That figures,” Alicia Minerva, Anna Marie’s daughter says. “Always has to make sure everything is the way it was back in the war.”

“Well, she is the CO,” Roberto says, finally looking up at her, he does a double take. “Oh, ma’am, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…”

“Don’t worry Chief, I’m here to lead the flyby, not to bust your ass,” Alicia says with a chuckle, heading out of the hangar bay. Not that I’m gonna like it… she thinks.

Ever since her father died, Alicia and her mother had kept their distance from each other. However, someone at fleet command had decided that it would be good for the ship’s image if the daughter of the CO lead the fly-by. Renegade, she actually had to laugh a little at that, she had recieved that nickname at the academy, and it had stuck, but sometimes it reminded her a little too much of just who her mother was.

OK, so this isn’t even a part of the original scene. Nor is the sudden backstory exposition needed or appreciated.

[Comic Book Nerd: Age of Apocalypse: This is definitely an OC. Rogue has no canonical kids, not least because she would kill anybody she tried to have sex with. Uh, barring healing factor types like Wolverine, I guess, but I’m going to hope that’s not where this is going. – Bats]

The CIC was the heart of a Battlestar, situated in the interior of the ship’s bow, the Prometheus had a larger CIC than modern Battlestars because of its need for more staff. Anna Marie is at the center of the room, examining the DRADIS screen, while her XO, a rough looking man with black hair, wearing a loose colonial uniform is talking.

How can the CIC be at the “heart” of the Battlestar, while also being in the bow?

Beats me. The Bongo’s CIC is somewhere. I tried finding it the other day, but ended up in the #9001 Port Disco Club. Hell, I’ve been using one of the disused communication centres as a berth since I’ve been unable to find the crew quarters.

Seriously? We have crew quarters?

…Let’s just move on with the fic.

“Well, everything is going as planned so far, Commander,” Colonel Logan Howlette reports. “The guests have arrived, and the representative of the Colonial government will be coming to inspect the CIC shortly.”

“Just what we needed, a civilian to come and inspect the nerve center of the ship,” the tactical officer a man with dark hair and skin says, shaking his head.

“Lieutenant Forge, you will kindly keep your opinions to yourself,” Marie says, shaking her head. “If Fleet Command wants us to play tour guide for a bunch of civies, we’ll do it… even if we don’t like it.”

Firstly, why the fuck has Colonel Tigh been replaced with Wolverine?

Secondly, Lieutenant Forge?? Dark hair and skin?

Um…OK. I guess we can throw Star Trek into the mix too.

[House of CBN: Nice try, but that’s most likely supposed to be this guy, though his skin isn’t that dark. For the record, he’s apparently Cheyenne Native American. – Bats]

“And this is the CIC, the nerve center of the Prometheus,” James Maddrox says, leading the tour group into the CIC. “Its size relative to that of newer Battlestars is because of the lack of networking between the ship’s systems requiring a larger crew than say the Avalon or the Erebus.”

Well, its showtime at the zoo… Marie thinks to herself, stepping forward. “I’m Commander Anna Marie Minerva, welcome aboard the Battlestar Prometheus.”

That’s when she meets eyes with the repreesentative of the Colonial Government, he was older than she is by a few years, bald with kind eyes that look at her, wearing a suit, and seated in a hover chair.

“Secretary Xavier,” Marie says.

“Hello Commander,” Xavier says. “Or, should I call you Rogue?”

NOPE!!!

NOPE!!!

NOPE!!!

I AM NOT DOING THIS!!!

If you’re going to have motherfucking Charles Xavier as the secretary of education, you might as well just quit writing this. He can read fucking minds. He’d be able to instantly tell who’s a Cylon and who’s not.

Look, Ruin Queen. This story is a hot mess the way it is. There’s too many contradictions, too many bad decisions, and too much fucking regurgitation. There is literally no point to writing this if you’re not going to do anything original or clever with the crossover.

Unfortunately, a certain cattle prod will not allow me to leave until this is all over, so we soldier on.

Back on Caprica City, this time in the central area of the city, Robert Kelly and the blonde woman from before are making their way through the area in front of the defense ministry.

“You know, you’re the only woman I’ve ever met outside of the lab that really understands what I’m talking about,” Robert says to the blonde woman. “The advent of AI was the single greatest development of the last half century, but because of one mistake, they won’t even let me work on it.”

For fuck’s sake, if you’re going to pick a replacement for Baltar, at least choose someone who’s character is actually fucking charming or appropriate. All I can see is the Kelly from the X-Men movies, and that image is ruining this whole scene for me.

“Now, now Robert, we can’t all change the worlds you know,” the blonde woman laughs. “The work you’re doing for the Ministry of Defense is still very promising.”

“Yes, but its not enough, its never enough really,” Robert says. “I could do so much more, but these Admirals and Politicians, they drive me crazy.”

“Don’t worry, you will have your day,” the blonde woman says. “Someday soon, your actions will impact the inhabitants of all the 12 Colonies.”

“I really hope so,” Robert says, getting a slight smirk out of the woman that he misses. “If you’ll excuse me, I have somewhere I should get to, meet up for supper later?”

“Of course, I have something of my own I need to deal with,” the blonde woman says, waving Robert off, she turns, smiling a little at the person behind her. “I was wondering when you’d show up.”

DO NOT USE NUMBERS IN TEXT!!! USE TWELVE, NOT 12!!!

*PHTOOM!!!*

I mean, you’ve made that exact mistake before, sir.

Yeah, but at least I’m honest about it!

Back on the Prometheus, Anna Marie has managed to break away from the tour guide job long enough to check with the crew on the hangar deck.

“Commander, its good to see you,” Roberto says as he walks with Marie down the hangar deck.

“You said you had something to show me, Chief?” Marie asks, looking at Roberto curiously.

“Ah yes, we where looking through some old fleet records, and we found this, Commander,” Roberto says, taking out a wrapped present and handing it to Marie. She opens it, and can’t help but smile, it was a picture of her and her husband, a handsome man with a charming smile, along with a younger Alicia, the picture had been taken 20 years ago when she re-entered the fleet, they meet up with the rest of the deck crew, who is standing by an old Viper Mk. II.

“Is someone looking for a promotion?” Marie laughs, she hadn’t seen this picture in forever.

“That would be Aquila, ma’am, Roberto says, nodding to a young woman with brown hair, who smiles at Marie. “And that’s not all, if the Commander would direct her attention to the Viper.”

“Cute,” Marie says, looking at the nameplate on the Viper that says Anna Marie “Rogue” Minerva, then her eyes fall on the registry on the tail. “You’re kidding… where’d you get this old thing?”

“Nebula-Gulf-Three-Eight-Niner,” Amara Aquila says. “Your old Viper.”

“We where, you know, thinking it could be used in the ceremony,” another member of the deck gang says.

“Sounds perfect,” Marie nods, going over the old fighter, it brought back a lot of memories.

“Will Commander Minerva please report to the conference room for a meeting with the press,” comes the announcement over the ship’s intercom.

“Duty calls,” Marie sighs, she hated dealing with the press, it figured, she could face down a Cylon Basestar, but the Press made her nervous.

WHAT??? THIS SCENE ISN’T EVEN MEANT TO BE HERE!!! THIS IS FROM THE VERY START OF THE MINISERIES, NOT THREE FUCKING QUARTERS OF THE WAY THROUGH THE FIRST INSTALLMENT!!!

*PHTOOM!!!*

[Avengers vs. Comic Book Nerds: Wow, we are getting obscure here. Anyway, here’s the obligatory wiki link on Magma, if you still care at this point.]

“Commander, I’m glad I caught up with you,” Xavier says, Marie was walking down one of the corridors of the Prometheus, and Xavier had met up with her, Marie didn’t seem interested in talking to him though. “Is something wrong?”

“Well, Mr. Secretary,” Marie says, rolling her eyes. “Considering the fact that last time I saw you, we didn’t part on good terms, I’m not exactly thrilled to have you on my ship.”

“We had just gotten out of the war, and you signed up with the Colonial Fleet,” Xavier says. “I’ll admit I was out of line, but a lot of Mutants considered you and the others traitors, I was looking out for your best interest.”

“My best interest? With the Cylons attacking the colonies, people had to step up to defend our homes!” Marie says.

This was an old argument, prior to the Cylon War the Mutants and Humans had been at war with each other, and the Colonial Fleet had fought Xavier’s group the X-Men on several occasions, which Marie had been part of back when she was known as Rogue. Following the Cylon uprising, the Colonial Fleet had opened up enrollment to Mutants, and Marie had been one of the first to enroll after the Cylons attacked her home colony of Libran. However a lot of Mutants still where angry at the Colonial Fleet for the Mutant War at that time, and Marie had faced opposition from both sides while attending the War College. Even today when Mutants where accepted on planets like Caprica, there where still some colonies that harbored animosity towards their Mutant neighbors.

Oh come the fuck on!!!

Not only is Not!Adama also a former member of the X-Men; not only do (or, rather, did) the X-Men exist in this crossover; but this is a major timesquiggle.

When the Cylon War started, Adama was still in school. Now, the Cylon war went for twelve years, and Adama joined the fight two years before the end of the war. At the time of his first assignment aboard the Battlestar Galactica (as depicted in the Blood and Chrome web series), he looks to be in his late teens. This is consistent with his age at the end of the BSG main series, as he’s 61 when Galactica reaches Earth. He also served in the fleet for 45 years, of which four were spent fleeing the Cylons following the Fall.

Now, let’s rewind that a bit. Galactica and the civilian fleet spent four years fleeing the Cylons. So, Adama was 57 when the Fall of the 12 Colonies occurred. At that point, he’d spent 20 years serving on active duty, and another 17 years before that serving as a reservist in the civil sector. His first assignment was to the Galactica in the 10th year of the war, so he spent less than three years fighting in the Cylon War. This means he was 18 when he joined up.

So, Adama would have been six when the war broke out. If we assume that Not!Adama is the same age as canon!Adama, then she would have been fighting in a racial war at the age of six!!!

Fucking hell. Trivialisation of child soldiers much?

“Commander, Marie, you where one of my best students,” Xavier says. “You could have stayed with us, there was still a lot that could be done for you.”

“Mr. Secretary, with all due respect, you did nothing to really help any of us, I didn’t even get control of my powers until after I joined the Fleet,” Marie snaps. “Sure, lets all try and live in harmony with the Humans, great plan, a shame it took a frakin war with the Cylons to make it work!”

“Marie…” Xavier starts to say, then gets cut off again.

“Look, Xavier, I’m going to put on a happy face and make it look like I’m having a good time, but lets get something clear,” Marie says. “After you leave the Prometheus, I want you to have nothing more to do with my life or my family.”

“If that’s what you want, very well,” Xavier sighs, and they continue the rest of the walk in silence.

Well that was ultimately pointless. Other than adding some wangst to the story, all it does it complicate the relationship between Not!Adama and Not!Roslin in a futile way.

Anyway, we then get more plot regurgitation, until we reach this bit…

“What you’re telling me is, that you’re a Cylon?” Robert asks, looking at the blonde woman in shock. “I find that hard to believe!”

“And why’s that?” The blonde woman asks.

“Last time anyone saw any of the Cylons, they looked more like walking chrome toasters, not like…” Robert says, trailing off a bit.

“Those models still have their uses,” the blonde woman says, smirking a little. “After all, you cannot really expect us to do all the menial work.”

“Us, you mean there are more of you?” Robert asks.

“There are twelve human models if that’s what you’re asking,” the blonde woman says. “I am one of the Zeta models.”

“And what the hell do you want with me?” Robert demands, then it dawns on him, grabbing his phone he starts dialing a number. “I have to call my Lawyer…”

“That won’t be necessary,” the woman says.

“You’re telling me that I betrayed my species to the Cylons, I need to contact my lawyer, he’ll know what to do,” Robert says.

“That won’t be necessary because shortly there won’t be anyone left to charge you with treason,” the blonde woman says. “The children of humanity are coming home.”

Robert watches in shock as there is a flash in the distance. “But, you have to have some sort of plan…” he says, panicking. “You can’t just let yourself die.”

“I’ll just download to another body, I can’t die,” the woman says, then grabs him, whispering in his ear. “You must find the Hybrid.”

Before Robert can question what that means, a nuclear bomb detonates close by, shattering the windows.

OK, WHAT???

What the hell is a “Zeta Model”???

Why is the Hybrid being brought up now? What Hybrid is she talking about? Because, Y’know, there’s more than one.

Also, in the original, Six shielded Baltar from the blast. In this, Kelly just died in a nuclear fireball. So, bad regurgitation yet again!

“This just in, we are getting reports of nuclear strikes against several colonies, including Caprica,” the oice over the radio says, Xavier looks up, glancing at the radio.

“Turn that up,” he says.

“Yes sir,” the passenger says, turning up the volume.

“There have unconfirmed reports that the President and his cabinet where killed in the initial attack,” the radio continues. “No one has claimed responsibility for the attacks, but contacts in the Colonial Fleet have said that the Cylons are believed to be behind the attack.”

“Help me into my chair,” Xavier says, struggling into his chair, he heads for the cockpit, opening up the door to talk to the pilot. “Excuse me, have there been any reports from the colonies? On the radio, they where saying Caprica was attacked.”

The captain is quiet, looking down at a report in his hands, he slowly hands it to Xavier.

“I see…” Xavier says. “Transmit a message on channel 041-Alpha, send my code, 90024 to confirm I’m alive.”

“Yes Mr. Secretary,” the pilot nods, sending the transmission as Xavier heads back out.

“How far down are you?” Todd asks as Xavier returns to his seat.

“36th in line, not the best odds,” Xavier says shaking his head. “We’ll just wait, and see what happens next.”

00000

“That was an interesting speech, Commander,” Logan says, he and Marie are talking in the CIC. “Though, I get the feeling it wasn’t exactly what you had prepared.”

“Well, there are somethings that need to be said more than others,” Marie says, shaking her head. “Well, its been an honor serving with you, Colonel.”

“Likewise, Commander,” Logan says.

“Commander, I’m getting a message from Fleet Command,” the communications officer Ensign Jean Grey, a woman with long red hair says, taking a piece of paper and handing it to Marie.

“My Gods…” Marie says, handing it to Logan.

“What are they trying to pull, this has to be some sort of retirement prank,” Logan says.

“Its not, they wouldn’t do that,” Marie says, then picks up the phone off the console. “Patch me through to the whole ship.”

“You’re patched through, ma’am,” Jean says.

“This is the Commander,” Marie says, speaking into the phone. “I just recieved word on a Cylon attack on our home colonies. While reports are still coming in, there have been confirmed reports of nuclear strikes against the planets of Picon, Gemmenon, and Caprica…”

There is a silence throughout the ship, realizing the rammifications of what’s going on.

“Admiral Abernathy on board the Battlestar Avalon has mobilized the fleet to make a counterattack against the Cylons. We now have to get this ship ready for combat, mobilize all forces, everyone to battle stations. We’ve trained for this, now the time has come to put our training to use. For as of this moment, we are at war.”

Firstly, why would you replace Dualla with Jean Grey of all people?

Secondly, yet another regurgitated scene with name changes. Fucking hell, can Ruin Queen even be remotely original?

Thirdly, YOU STILL AREN’T GETTING THE LINES RIGHT!! If you’re going to regurgitate the plot at us, do it right!!!

With that, we get a ‘to be continued’, and then this author’s note:

And that begins the adventure of the Battlestar Prometheus and the survivors of the Cylon Nuclear Holocaust in this version of the story.

But, what did the Zeta Model mean by the Hybrid? That’ll be a mystery for another time.

What happens next? The adventure continues as the Prometheus’ squadrons go to fight the Cylons among other things. Find out the next part of the story in chapter 2, “Exile.”

See you then.

Yeah…we’ll be doing that some other time.

Now, I was originally going to do this as a oneshot, but I’ve run out of steam here, and I’m going to call it quits for now. See you next time, Patrons, for the final chapter of ‘Battlestar Prometheus’!!!


20 Comments on “2536: Battlestar Prometheus – Chapter 1”

  1. BatJamags says:

    In any case, Prometheus is meant to be this crossover’s version of the Galactica. Why you’d call it Prometheus rather than Galactica is beyond me. Other than the name, they are exactly the same bloody ship!

    And while my knowledge of X-Men continuity is a little shakier than my DC knowledge, I don’t think the term “Prometheus” has any special significance to the X-Men, so it’s a pointless change. You could call it Battlestar Krakoa and that would make much more sense.

  2. BatJamags says:

    “Prometheus, this is Renegade, requesting permission to dock,”

  3. BatJamags says:

    Well, that was baffling.

  4. Zeus Killer says:

    The existence of the mutant powers from X-Men would solve so many fucking problems!

    Is Magneto in the fic?

    Just have him magnetize the infiltrators.

  5. BatJamags says:

    You know, I’ve actually toyed with doing a “cast transplant” crossover of this sort (namely replacing the cast of Star Wars with Homestuck characters), but rejected the idea because it was essentially a flimsy excuse for lame jokes and wouldn’t actually be that interesting because it would necessarily be heavily regurgitative of the plot of the “host” canon.

    This thing doesn’t even have the decency to provide the lame jokes.

    • meironmaiden says:

      I’m just thinking about all the crossover fighting games that run on rule of cool. I’m trying to figure out what could be even remotely cool about this fic. So many characters are game breakers when it comes to smoking out the Humanoid Cylons, we’d have no tension whatsoever. Especially if Phoenix comes into play with her powers

  6. meironmaiden says:

    The autoplay of the videos isn’t annoying. Not at all. *eye twitch*

  7. Zeus Killer says:

    Ah! Well, I guess she’ll be able to tell if someone’s a Cylon real easy! She just has to touch them and-

    Um…none of the mutants in this fic ever use their powers.

    What? Then what was the whole bloody…y’know, let’s just get on with this.

    I’m sorry-WHAT?

    You’re telling me this guy put in the mutants from X-Men in a crossover with Galactica, and instead of them using their powers in cool ways, he decides not to give them an opportunity to use them?

    That’s freaking *bleeeeeeeep*!

  8. Em Kay says:

    A few minutes later, the interview ends, and Robert follows the woman into the bedroom.

    Which is apparently just off-stage.

  9. Em Kay says:

    “Well, everything is going as planned so far, Commander,” Colonel Logan Howlette reports.

    Logan Howlette

    Oh please tell me that’s not Wolverine’s last-

    *googlefu*

    SONOFA!

    I know almost nothing about X-Men aside from the names of the most famous characters, but Wolverine I am vaguely familiar with. I cannot for a moment imagine him being in any kind of military. He’s more of a violent Han Solo than a Captain America.

    • Em Kay says:

      Dammit. I need to stop letting the minions help with commentary.

    • crazyminh says:

      To be fair, Wolverine was also in the military in the comics. He fought in WWII and (IIRC) WWI

    • BatJamags says:

      For some odd reason, it was at one point revealed that Wolverine’s birth name wasn’t “Logan” at all, but rather “James Howlett.” And the “howl” pun isn’t even appropriate because he’s named after a tiny, scratchy, angry rodent, not a wolf.

      But as Minh said, several sources have in fact depicted Logan fighting directly alongside Captain America in World War II (a little strange given that Logan is Canadian and thus would have been in the British Army at the time, but not impossible). And notably, in his original appearance, he was working as a government agent sent to fight the Hulk, so it seems like his anti-authoritarian streak was something he developed pretty late in life. When you consider that he’s amnesiac, it’s not implausible that he wound up with a different outlook compared to his past self.


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