2404: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe – Chapters 3 & 4

 

 

Title: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the last (thus far) two chapters of this continuing saga of a crossover.

In the last chapters Lex had a screaming nightmare and was left alone by her erstwhile guardians so she could chat on the phone with her boyfriend, followed by her arriving home from school to find ominous messages written in blood on her mattress – despite living in a household full of people with unnaturally enhanced senses specifically honed towards blood – and then she got dressed up for a party the family is throwing because reasons, likely something to do with the park since the other named characters from the film are supposed to be attending.

Now, on to the fic!

Once again, Lex found herself wishing that she could be anywhere but where she was.

Stuck in a badfic? I sympathize, but I’m not breaking the security cordon around the Literary Extractor to bust you out. One useless badfic character in the Library is enough.

:Markus leans in and give Ghostie the finger:

Get out of my riff! Shouldn’t you be off disappointing Crunchy?

:Markus leaves:

And take this finger with you! Dumbass.

Claire and her family were running a little late, as she discovered on her phone, and she was stuck sitting around waiting all dolled-up.

That does suck; you get all dressed up then the other part of your group tells you they are running late but you can’t actually do anything because you don’t want to have to fix yourself up again.

She avoided guests like the plague, especially the ones who were definitely vampires in contacts-Carlisle warned her they would be coming.

But … Why?

I had assumed since Claire and Owen were coming to Forks specifically to attend this party that it was something important to do with the park or InGen. Why would other sparklepires be attending if they are not affiliated with the company? The dinosaurs are supposed to pose some kind of threat to the sparklepires, so they wouldn’t want anything to do with the park.

Still, after the threat she came home to, she wanted to stay far away from vampires.

Don’t look now, but your house is full of the damned things.

They were only trouble of the worst kind. It was bad enough she couldn’t keep a weapon on her.

Why not? Is there some kind of very specific rule that you’re not allowed to carry a weapon while your family is having a party? If so, is there a story behind this rule? Because I would very much like to hear it. Or is it because your dress doesn’t have pockets because women’s clothing suffers from a severe pocket-drought because fashion designers are out of touch with the practical facts of daily life?

It would be worse to have less running room on the damn vampires.

Bwa? I thought Lex had super-special velociraptor speed despite not having the skeletal structure or musculature to support it?

Lex dipped her pinky to stir the ice cubes around in her drink when she saw him.

I thought she was sitting quietly, being traumatized and trying not to make a mess of herself?

At that moment, she found herself standing up and making her way to Zach, who looked great in a tux, if slightly uncomfortable to say the least.

I don’t doubt it, but why exactly is he in a tuxedo for a house party at the Cullens? Is he one of the waitstaff they brought in to serve canapes?

His brother was close, while Owen was a short ways away, looking a little less dressed up, as if Claire wasn’t going to fight him on this one.

I have a hard time believing that she would force Forgettable Cute Boy to wear a full-on tuxedo but let Owen get away with whatever the “less dressed up” version – probably a suit of some kind – would be. If you’re going to a fancy party that requires black tie or white tie, unless you’re an eccentric rich person there’s not usually a way the cheese it so you can wear whatever you want.

“Zach!” she cried as she approached, and they hugged.

“Lex,” he said simply. They pulled away, and Lex grinned. “Hi Gray. Owen.”

“Hi, Lex,” Gray cried cheerfully. “Zach’s been talking forever about you-”

Zach’s cheeks turned a splotchy red. “Shut up, Gray.”

Because a younger sibling will definitely listen when their older sibling tells them to stop embarrassing them. That always works flawlessly and never makes the younger sibling double-down and try harder to be an even more annoying pain in the ass.

“Hey, don’t tell your brother to shut up,” Owen scolded, then looked to Lex. “I suppose you don’t enjoy Carlisle holding this monkey-suit dinner over matters they don’t understand.”

Who is ‘they’ in this instance? Carlisle, who is the one hosting the dinner? I’m fairly certain he identifies as male and uses male pronouns, and as the CEO/head-research-scientist/whatever-else-the-author-makes-up he should know what is going on in the company. He also seemed very determined to have this party for some reason that he refuses to elaborate on.

“As much as I like seeing you guys for once, no,” Lex agreed. “Besides, I don’t like some of the guests.”

And yet everyone is insisting she attend the party, which makes no sense. Even if she didn’t have a history of conflict with the Volturi, someone broke into a house full of sparklepires – violating their territory, which is a big no-no and should logically require them to react in some way that doesn’t involve inviting members of the same group into their home. And why are they even having a dinner party? Sparklepires don’t eat regular food, and it is going to be suspicious if the Cullens invite a mixture of humans and sparklepires to a dinner party and a large number of the attendees don’t actually eat any of the food. (Sparklepires technically can consume regular food, it is physically possible for them to do so, but they just prefer not to because it is the equivalent of swallowing a piece of chewing gum; while technically possible there’s no real benefit gained from doing so. Presumably all that food would have to go somewhere and spending the night on the crapper doesn’t fit in well with the image of a carefree sparklepire lifestyle.)

“Yeah, the kid-Alex, I think he said, he and his parents seem kinda creepy,” Owen muttered.

“Wait, are you sure it isn’t Alec?” Lex demanded.

“Maybe, why?” Owen asked.

:headdesk:

Allegedly Lex murdered Jane by “accidentally” setting her on fire; why would anyone think it is a good idea to invite her brother to a dinner party at the Cullens’ house?!?

At that moment, Lex couldn’t hear him over her own heartbeat and the buzz of life. She felt tingling everywhere as she stumbled against the wall to try to remain standing as colors blurred.

What the hell was in her drink?

“Lex!”

She focused on the sound of Zach’s voice as she struggled to remain standing and just to breathe.

“It’s alright, just sit down.”

She let him guide her to the floor and leaned against the wall, closing her eyes to block the stimuli out as air tumbled in and out of her lungs.

That is a very strange way to describe breathing. It makes it sound as if the air itself is doing all the work and her lungs are just empty bouncy castles made of meat.

It seemed like forever as she waited for the senses crowding in around her to fade away. Her eyes opened, and she looked over her shoulder to see Zach and Gray sitting next to her.

“It’s okay, Lex, it’s okay,” Zach repeated.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“Is everything alright?”

Of course it is! It’s completely normal for people to sit on the floor at fancy dinner parties, especially ones that are being held in homes with ample private space available within easy access.

Lex looked up to see a boy about her age, pale and pretty with a strange gleam to his brown eyes. She rose to her feet, already suspecting the worse.

No, not another Forgettable Cute Boy! The fic can only contain so many!

“I’m fine,” she said, struggling to keep her voice steady. “I-I’m fine.”

“I think I have some medication for easing panic attacks in my car, if you would come with me,” the boy offered.

Smooth. It’s not at all suspicious to try to get someone to leave their home – where they would likely keep their own personal medications – and accompany you outside to your car to take unknown drugs that you just happen to keep there. That is totally normal human behavior.

“I’m not going anywhere with you, Alec,” Lex snarled as she clenched her fists.

And it’s Alec, the very person she was just having a panic attack about because she literally just found out he was in the same location that she is. Because of course Alec would be near Lex when she learned that he was at the party; she’s made mostly of plot-magnets and magical dinosaur DNA.

“To hell you aren’t!” He grabbed her wrist, and she snapped at him, causing him to let go in pure fear. She backed away as a crowd gathered.

:snorts:

OWWWW! Man, Irish Breakfast tea really isn’t good for the sinuses.

For those of you unfamiliar with the source materials, Alec is one of the sparklepires with a special ability – he can create intense, crippling fear in the minds of his victims. Damp washcloth Bella, with her super-special brain that creates a natural shield, is the only person known to be immune to the effects. The Volturi use him as a weapon in concert with his twin Jane, who creates intense overwhelming pain, as a way to incapacitate others, and it is an extremely effective method of control. While he does possess the enhanced strength and what-not of a sparklepire, he wouldn’t immediately attack her physically – not without at least attempting to floor her with his power first to make her an easy target.

And did she snap her fingers at him, or try to bite him? Either way, I doubt someone who serves as a chief enforcer for a group that sees themselves as immortal royalty would find her at all intimidating.

“Vampires might live forever, but this year has been too long!” Alec shouted. “You will die!”

Now get you the hot shotgun bullets!

The chapter cuts off abruptly with that nonsensical shout, so let’s pop right into the last chapter.

“Not today, bloodsucker,” Lex snarled, clenching her fists as she kicked him as hard as she could in the knees, knocking him to the floor. “ALL OF YOU, RUN!”

Because fighting with someone in the middle of a party and then screaming nonsense at the top of your lungs is definitely going to make all the party guests exit the area in an orderly fashion.

She then saw two other vampires reveal themselves and try to snap at the necks of the humans nearby.

Really? Why? Nothing has happened that would give them a justifiable reason to break the masquerade in front of what I assume are multiple human witnesses in positions of authority within a large multinational company like InGen? The Volturi freaked out when Edward told Bella about sparklepires, and were fully prepared to kill him to prevent him from just exposing his bare skin in the sunshine in a public place. Neither Alec nor Lex have done anything to reveal their sparklepire or dinosaur-hybrid natures. The Volturi might sanction the discreet elimination of a potential threat, but disappearing multiple humans who would very definitely be missed would be completely out of the question. They would have to insure that every human there would be killed, and each dead human increases the risk to them. It’s just not practical.

And how did the sparklepires “reveal” themselves? Did they shine flashlights on each other to show of their disco-ball skin?

Edward, Bella, and Carlisle teamed up to take down one, Jasper, Alice, and Emmett to take down the other.

I’m just picturing them immediately dog-piling on these sparklepires and crushing the victims they’re trying to save.

Meanwhile, the humans tripped and ran everywhere, trying to escape with some success.

Quick, grab the success before it’s all gone!

“Too late.”

:Syl passes by the door, dragging a large burlap sack:

…What is that?

“Success.”

Really?

“Do you want to know?”

On second thought, I’m good. Carry on.

“Hey, free finger!” :swipes finger off desk: “Good thing, I lost one somewhere.”

You lost a finger?

:shrugs: “It was someone’s finger. Ownership’s just an abstract concept, really.”

My not wanting to know anything has just intensified.

:Syl blows a kiss and drags the now suspiciously wriggling sack farther into the Library:

Alec got back to his feet, venom foaming at his mouth.

Ewww. I don’t think that’s supposed to happen.

Lex took care to stay, just darting out of his grip.

English fracturing, with force of effort.

She looked back to Owen, Gray, and Zach as she jumped out of reach again.

“What are you waiting for?! Run!” She screamed.

“We’re not leaving you!” Zach cried.

“I can handle myself,” she said. “Just go!”

Any other tired tropes you want to trot out? Maybe have a grizzled veteran one day from retirement inexplicably show up?

Distracted, she didn’t see the vampire’s arm coming, wrapping her into a tight coil like an anaconda as his teeth drew closer and closer to her neck.

So Alec suddenly went completely boneless and instead of, I don’t know, using his ability he’s very slowly try to bite Lex so that she has plenty of opportunity to escape.

How exciting.

“I’ll enjoy your screams,” Alec whispered, and closed his eyes to experience the sensations fully.

:facepalms:

Good idea, dumbass; close your eyes before you actually manage to do anything to harm someone who downed you with one kick. That’s going to turn out well for you.

Lex wrapped her wrist around one of his, snapping it off, and then using her other and to judo-flip him across the room.

She wrapped her WRIST around his WRIST and then snapped off her own WRIST and used her other intact WRIST to flip him across the room?

Dude. That is not how people are meant to bend.

“Not today,” Lex snarled, dropping his other hand and turning back to the boys. “We’re going to jump.”

“Through the glass?” Owen asked.

I guess using the door like a normal person is out of the question?

“Just a second,” Lex said, and she grabbed an armchair, her adrenaline allowing her to lift it and she threw it out the window.

I don’t think adrenaline could explain why a teenager managed to pick up a whole Barcalounger and yeeted it through a sheet of plate glass. Was there nothing slightly smaller in her vicinity? I’m tempted to see if Lex was given super-strength in the prior fic, but I’m reasonable sure she just had super-speed (that was on par with a modern marathon runner’s speed) and the ability to talk to dinosaurs.

She grabbed Zach and Gray’s hands and took a running leap into the lawn outdoors. They landed rolling, Owen landing behind them.

Oh, hey; look! A token adult. One who just happens to have been in the armed forces and has experience in dangerous situations. Odd that he’s done absolutely nothing thus far.

“Into the woods!” Lex announced, towing the others along with her into the dark woods that she’d been told that monsters waited in. But the real monsters were indoors that night.

Aren’t the real monsters indoors every night? The Cullens live in that house.  And what kind of monsters scare someone who lives with sparklepires and a werewolf? Does she think the Pacific Northwest forests are full of accountants or something?

She slowed down finally when they were some distance in the woods and she waited for Owen to catch up. In the darkness, the four of them remained silent for a moment.

This is probably going to be an awkward conversation to have. More so because it’s happening in a badfic.

“So you really weren’t kidding about the vampires?” Gray asked.

“Afraid not,” Lex said.

I guess they thought Jane was just a very flammable goth?

Lex did try to explain what sparklepires are to the boys, but considering she just told them her family was full of “sparkly undead with X-men powers” who have been having problems with a group described as “the equally sparkly and undead and twice as X-men Italian government” I can see why they wouldn’t believe her.

“What the hell was that back there?” Owen asked.

“You shouldn’t say hell!” Gray said.

Damn straight.

“Alec is a member of the vampire Mafia, aka the Volturi,” Lex said.

Eeh. They consider themselves the governing body of the sparklepires and have the muscle to back it up, so I guess that is pretty close to accurate.

“The Volturi want me dead because I’m a threat to vampire kind.

It looks as if it has gone from dinosaurs in general being a threat to the sparklepires, because reasons, to Lex specifically being a threat, also because reasons. I’m keeping the meme, though.

I killed a vampire at Jurassic World.”

No, you didn’t.  Zach threw a lit torch (that he pulled out of the SDQF) at Jane, she caught fire, and then disappeared. You threw a closed water bottle at her while she was on fire. If anyone killed Jane, it was Zach.

“Good Lord,” Owen muttered. “What makes you so damn special, then? Humans can kill anything, given the time.”

That’s actually an excellent question. Humans are really good at figuring out ways to destroy things. We’re special like that. The books try to make it seem as if the sparklepires are these perfectly invulnerable beings that can only be destroyed by each other, one sparklepire has to tear another one apart and then burn the bits, but it isn’t really explained why a human with adequate tools couldn’t do the exact same thing.

“It’s the raptor genes,” Lex explained.

That you apparently always had but were only considered a threat to the sparklepires after you were made aware that you had them.

“Dinosaurs-they all have some defense against the vampires, teeth sharpness, speed, strength-they’ve got it all.

So we’re back to all dinosaurs being considered a threat, regardless of species. That makes absolutely no sense; ‘dinosaur’ is a label that covers a broad spectrum of species, some of which could easily be drop-kicked across a room by a sickly old woman using a zimmer-frame.

My raptor genes put me on par with them, and they don’t like that.

Because she can run, like, really fast. As fast as a moderately trained human, even! That definitely makes her at least equal to a sparklepire.

My speed increases my velocity, lending some extra strength. So I’m a complete danger to them.”

…That is kind of how velocity works; increasing speed increases velocity, which in turn affects momentum. I don’t really see how that makes her stronger, though, or why “running fast” is considered threatening behaviour to the sparklepires – who themselves have super-speed.

“Well that’s great,” Owen said. “Anything else we should know?”

:raises hand:

I for one would like to know what the hell is going on.

“The Volturi will want to kill everyone who was at the dinner tonight, since they want to keep the truth about vampires a secret,” Lex said. “There’s a target on everyone’s backs.”

That the Volturi painted there themselves, because they were openly attacking humans. And Lex makes it sound as if there’s going to be lots of survivors around to hunt down over time, which is the exact opposite of what the Volturi would do. They would eliminate the threat to their way of life as quickly as possible. Considering they all have enhanced physical abilities, infinite wealth, and don’t have to worry about basic human needs like sleep, they should very easily be able to track down and kill everyone that night – assuming the Cullens don’t kill all the Volturi that are at the party.  Either way this conflict should resolve itself rather quickly, and in all likelihood in a way that is vastly unsatisfying since that’s what happens in the books.

Alas, we shall never know. The fic thus far seems to be abandoned.


46 Comments on “2404: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe – Chapters 3 & 4”

  1. Zeus Killer Productions says:

    In the last chapters Lex had a screaming nightmare and was left alone by her erstwhile guardians so she could chat on the phone with her boyfriend, followed by her arriving home from school to find ominous messages written in blood on her mattress – despite living in a household full of people with unnaturally enhanced senses specifically honed towards blood – and then she got dressed up for a party the family is throwing because reasons, likely something to do with the park since the other named characters from the film are supposed to be attending.

    Murder-Corrin, aka Takayuki Yukiko: I AM THE SHADOW OF BLOOD! I deserve to be the best, and I will not be showed up by a shotacon sex doll and some caricature of Galehaut that missed the point!

    *Naruto runs into the dusk*

  2. Zeus Killer Productions says:

    And how did the sparklepires “reveal” themselves? Did they shine flashlights on each other to show of their disco-ball skin?

    Maybe the author saw the cool ARG the developers of the V:tM sequel did, and thought to do something like that without actually building it up or actually doing cool shit with it.

  3. Zeus Killer Productions says:

    I don’t think adrenaline could explain why a teenager managed to pick up a whole Barcalounger and yeeted it through a sheet of plate glass. Was there nothing slightly smaller in her vicinity? I’m tempted to see if Lex was given super-strength in the prior fic, but I’m reasonable sure she just had super-speed (that was on par with a modern marathon runner’s speed) and the ability to talk to dinosaurs.

    Still better than “Psychoactive drugs” from Clockwork.

    • GhostCat says:

      It just doesn’t make sense to me. The Cullen house is full of useless “artistic” clutter that would require far less effort to throw through the window than a horkin’ big chair. How did she even know she would be able to throw it hard enough? It’s not like she makes a habit of tossing the furniture around.

  4. Zeus Killer Productions says:

    “It’s the raptor genes,” Lex explained.

    Ah, finally time to dust off a Zeus Classic-

  5. Zeus Killer Productions says:

    Alas, we shall never know. The fic thus far seems to be abandoned.

    Didn’t see that coming.

    • GhostCat says:

      Considering the previous fic in the series dragged on far past its conclusion before fizzling out, I was kind of surprised that this one ended the way it did. A fair chunk of that fic revolved around plot regurgitation, though. It is possible that without having that crutch to fall back on the author didn’t know how to progress their work.

      • Young Singer says:

        *cracks knuckles* STORYTIME: I got stuck here with writer’s block and moved onto other fanfic projects like *checks dates* ah, yes, A Drink Called Loneliness, the Susan Chronicles, and Emerald and Jade. Much better storylines. (Well, debatable on Susan)

        So that’s the reason why.

        • GhostCat says:

          DId you ever have a summary or outline for the fic? Because I’m curious to know where it was going. There seemed to be a set-up for a conflict of some kind at the end.

        • Young Singer says:

          SO Lexi, Owen, Gray, and Zach would be on the run from the Volturi who just did reveal themselves (the humans would now know) and they would discover that Carlisle noticed vampire weaknesses against the regular Dinos at Jurassic Park, so he engineered a pack of vampire hunters to redeem himself. The other experiments would come into play here. They would team up and head into the heart of Italy and murder the vampire government and declare war on the species. Lexi would break up with Zach but he would mean something as a first love, but she’s happy fighting vampires. Also Owen joins the permanent vampire hunting crew with Blue. (If I continued it now Maisie from the second one would be a surprise hybrid but shhh)

        • GhostCat says:

          I’m kind of disappointed we won’t get to see a pack of sparklepire-hunting velociraptors.

        • Young Singer says:

          Honestly, me too, but I’ve got other projects (like my original stories about vampires in the American South as a symbol for colonialism) that I’m working on.

          But you— and anyone reading this— has my permission to finish the fic. Just link who inspired it and I’d be interested to see what you guys come up with.

        • GhostCat says:

          Well, we do have a Sith Lord (retired) velociraptor as a part of the Library staff, so there might be a sparklepire-hunting pack around here somewhere. Stranger things have happened.

        • Young Singer says:

          But yeah so that was where Sarah, Ellen, and Alan would have come into play the storyline. Feel free to use and characterize as you please.

  6. Zeus Killer Productions says:

    Hey, I tried including a comment with a picture both here and last riff. What happened to them?

    • GhostCat says:

      Looks like you ran afoul of the spam filter. I approved the comment for this one, but I didn’t see the other comment in there. I dump the spam folder periodically without checking too closely since it is mostly sketchy internet gambling and Russian porn links, so it probably got deleted.

      • crazyminh says:

        …Russian pirn links??

        (Thinks about it)

        …eh, could be worse. I mean, at least it ain’t porn of Trump and Putin rolling around topless kissing each other. I walked in on my mother and father watching that for the lulz about a year ago, and was very confused

      • Zeus says:

        If I remember correctly, the other one was on ME: The Worst Bore.

        The joke was that the Sue was kinda ripping off Wild Dog from Time Crisis with the mechanical arm, so there was a photo of him.

  7. BatJamags says:

    empty bouncy castles made of meat.

    AKA the best kind.

  8. BatJamags says:

    “Not today, bloodsucker,” Lex snarled, clenching her fists as she kicked him as hard as she could in the knees, knocking him to the floor. “ALL OF YOU, RUN!”

    So this guy spooked you so hard you shut down for most of the day and then had a panic attack when you learned he might be nearby, but suddenly you’re gonna be the badass and fight him? What a swerve!

  9. BatJamags says:

    “Not today,” Lex snarled,

    Sorry, you already used that action cliche. Care to play again?

  10. crazyminh says:

    :Syl blows a kiss and drags the now suspiciously wriggling sack farther into the Library:

    Wade: Help!! I’m in a sack being dragged by this crazy lady!! She cut off my right pinkie, and is dragging me somewhere!!! Of anyone gets this transmission, come help!

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Still, after the threat she came home to, she wanted to stay far away from vampires.

    They were only trouble of the worst kind

    Stupid vampires, bringing down the property values with their parachute pants and skater boarding and ‘hip’ music…

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I think I have some medication for easing panic attacks in my car, if you would come with me,” the boy offered.

    Worst. Pickup. Line. EVAR.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    She let him guide her to the floor and leaned against the wall, closing her eyes to block the stimuli out as air tumbled in and out of her lungs.

    That is a very strange way to describe breathing. It makes it sound as if the air itself is doing all the work and her lungs are just empty bouncy castles made of meat.

    Obviously we haven’t watched her bleed enough.

  14. TacoMagic says:

    her lungs are just empty bouncy castles made of meat.

    Don’t you dare give Crunchy party ideas!

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    o the boys. “We’re going to jump.”

    “Through the glass?” Owen asked.

    “No, just up and down on the floor. Sparklepires hate displays of childlike glee.”

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    Aren’t the real monsters indoors every night? The Cullens live in that house. And what kind of monsters scare someone who lives with sparklepires and a werewolf? Does she think the Pacific Northwest forests are full of accountants or something?

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    That’s actually an excellent question. Humans are really good at figuring out ways to destroy things. We’re special like that. The books try to make it seem as if the sparklepires are these perfectly invulnerable beings that can only be destroyed by each other, one sparklepire has to tear another one apart and then burn the bits, but it isn’t really explained why a human with adequate tools couldn’t do the exact same thing.

    You know, a large and effective underground of vampire hunters that the sparklepires were actually mortally afraid of would really have made many of the events in the Twilight books make a good bit more sense.

    • GhostCat says:

      Part of Carlisle’s backstory kind of makes humans appear to be a moderate threat; he was part of a group hunting in a sewer for a “creature” that was likely a very early sparklepire when he was bitten and turned, when he realized what happened he fled rather than risk being attacked by his surviving former friends and family. (From what I remember the creature killed most of the group and Carlisle only survived and turned by sheer luck.) The series spends far more time hammering in how perfect the sparkplepires are as killers, though. Presumably the entire masquerade and strictly enforced “don’t tell humans” rule is in place to avoid any human hunting parties, but there’s zero evidence that these sparklepire-specific hunting parties even exist in the modern day other than the occasional groups that go after the “wild animals” that get blamed for random sparklepire attacks. In fact, the only ones in the entire world enforcing these rules at all are the Volturi – who are supposed to be this great and powerful organization even though they also supposedly never leave their city if they can help it. There should be loose ends like Bella all over the damn place since the vast majority of the sparklepires feed on humans, which would necessitate them being near population centers on a regular basis, and the closest they have to some sort of blood farm is the Volturi herding groups of tourists in for mass feedings. That’s also bothered me – the Volturi supposedly don’t want to draw attention to sparklepires, yet they regularly kill large groups of tourists in their own home. If a quaint Italian town was the last known location for massive numbers of tourists who just vanished off the face of the Earth, I think someone would notice.

      • SC says:

        I know it’s asking a bit much for Stephanie Meyer to put in any effort to research shit, but she could have done well to take a page or two from stuff like Vampire: The Masquerade, or Castlevania, where vampires have A REALLY DAMN GOOD REASON for keeping their big secret under wraps, since the vampire hunting elements in both those canons tend to be, uh, shall we say, very good at their jobs.

        Encountering vampire hunters in Masquerade is almost guaranteed to be your death knell, and Belmonts are fucking unstoppable whenever someone casually mentions the word “vampire” in their hearing range. (Gabriel Belmont notwithstanding, he got straight Fs in Belmont school.)

        • GhostCat says:

          I don’t think she could bear there being any genuine threats to her super-special sparklepires, but still wanted to keep some of the standard tropes that would make Edward mysterious without having to do much in the way of character development. SO instead of there being any established hunters, there’s just this kind of vague “the humans suspect the murders are caused by wild animals, so we’d better leave town for a few decades just to be safe” sort of thing.

  18. AdmiralSakai says:

    My speed increases my velocity

    Really now!

  19. TacoMagic says:

    Does she think the Pacific Northwest forests are full of accountants or something?

    Fucking Dave.


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