2359: Sonichu — Issue 3, Episodes 10 and 11

Title: Sonichu
Author: Christine Weston Chandler, aka. Christopher Weston Chandler, aka. Christian Weston Chandler, aka. Chris-Chan
Media: Webcomic
Topic: Sonic The Hedgehog / Pokemon / IRL / Yu-Gi-Oh
Genre: “Parody”, apparently.
URL: Issue 3 Template Box
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the manifold wonders of Sonichu.

Last time Chris-Chan Sonichu, Sarah Nicole Hammer, and Wes Iseli got (for the most part) over their stupid soap opera bullshit and agreed to stop the Evil that had been released with their Anchuent Hedgehog Powers. This Evil took the form of a giant golem in an Egyptian headdress, controlled by a talking purple Sno Cone named Count Graduon, who had cut a deal with the witch Mary Lee Walsh to carry him around in exchange for assistance in her own mission of “shattering hearts” (whatever that means). The Power Chus kicked the golem’s ass and sent both Graduon and Walsh packing (or, rather, just let them run away), but then in the Sub-Episode Chris tracked Walsh to her office and appeared to kill her.

I wonder what Giovanni and Hedgehog Of Color are up to?

Typo Cunter: 45

This has to be one of the blander Sonichu covers, with just a bunch of recolored characters standing in place on a road. This is in fact pretty much the same as the design of the last issue’s cover, albeit without the moody yellow-and-maroon color scheme or the strange, vaguely evocative lights-shining-on-the-characters-from-disembodied-heads motif.

Even the characters look bored, or, in the case of the red Tweetie Bird monstrosity up top, mildly constipated.

For whatever reason, Chris decided to sign this particular cover twice.

‘Nother day, ‘nother disclaimer.

I’m not entirely sure how I’d even describe the typography of the episode header here. ‘Curly’, maybe. Given Chris’s predilection towards the saccharine as seen in ‘Genesis of the Lovehogs’ I’m more than a little apprehensive about an entire episode being given over to baby Sonichus, especially with the rattle-and-pacifier clipart. Not sure why the rattle has a magical aura around it… perhaps this is Count Graduon as a baby?

And after that come the textwalls. I am seriously wondering if Sonichu would actually be better not trying to be a comic at all and just admitting it is more of an illustrated book.

Once upon a time, a powered-up hedgehog collided with a Pikachu, and a rainbow of Chaos Emerald energy stretched for miles across the land.

Really? What an odd development! I wish we’d had… I don’t know, like, a couple of comic pages devoted to it or something…

Once again the rainbow goes red-orange-yellow-blue-green-purple-purple. That seems to be how Chris actually thinks they go.

 From this rainbow, five mysterious eggs flew from it

[BLARING ALARM BLARES]

*DRD Agents storm in stormily and immediately get lost in the blank white void*

to locations around the region.  Mysterious beams of light also shone from the rainbow, but that’s another story or two.  Anyway,

So why did you even bring the beams of light up, Chris?

one egg landed in a jungle, and it was found by a mother Venusaur and a father Scyther.  Another egg landed by a beach, found by a mother Swampert.

There’s that weird fixation on parentage again where it’s not even remotely relevant to the topic at hand. I’d like to think this is just another facet of Chris’s unique creepiness, but it shows up in everything from news articles to young adult fiction.

Although if the Venusaur, Scyther, and Swampert were already parents by the time they found the eggs, that would indicate the hedgehogs in question have stepsiblings.

Another egg landed softly at a church stoop; it was found by a couple of nuns.

I’m not entirely sure what a church stoop as opposed to a church step actually even is, so…

Typo Cunter: 46

Another egg landed in a dojo occupied by young and old warriors.

The sensei steadfastly refused to teach anyone middle-aged.

 And the last egg landed in the mountains by its lonesome.  See now how these eggs hatched and grew.

Don’t tell me what to do!

*See premiere issue #0 for Sonichu’s origin.

Or, as the case may be, Somkklu’s ORAGAM.

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Cute intro, huh?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just so you know, here are the original Sonee and Rosey; Sonichu and Rosechu babies

I wasn’t wondering, actually, thank you.

In fact, I’d be perfectly happy if I never had to look at those dead-eyed, football-headed, babbling monstrosities ever again.

How are there even baby versions of Sonichu and Zapbud? They were created from adult Pokemon exposed to the energies of the Chaos Emeralds.

Yikes.

The story of Wild Sonichu (or, at it appears here, “Wjld Sonichu”… perhaps he is of  Norwegian descent?) is just a liiiiitle hard to follow, seeing as it is entirely non-verbal and made up of panels averaging about two inches wide. The fact that Chris has some sort of weird aversion to actually drawing Mother Venusaur’s form and instead portrays her as a pair of cyan tentacles certainly does not help; neither do all of the random Pokemon calls which inform us of nothing and take away space the panels themselves desperately need.

As near as I can tell the Venusaur grabs Wjld’s egg and she and the Scyther tap it on the ground for a while (do they want to prepare it for breakfast?) but then Wjld hatches. The Venusaur grabs a cocunut and tosses it on the ground next to Wjld, presumably to feed him, and instead of actually eating the damn thing like he’s supposed to he instead uses Vine Whip to knock another off the tree and produces a disappointed emoticon when it shatters on the ground (wasteful little prick). He then hugs the Venusaur (her leg is actually drawn for once, although I have no idea what that white thing on the left is) and Dad Scyther facepalms (faceblades?). Dad then cuts a tree in half, possibly out of frustration with his worthless stepson, but when Wjld tries to do the same thing by throwing leaves at a try he is enraged that they just bounce right off and Dad Scyther lectures him to the poiont of tears.

What a supportive and functional family environment!

Eventually…

WJLD SONICHU: Oh, yeah, here we go!  Whoo-hoo!

So I guess he evolves out of pure frustration and suddenly becomes competent.

I’m a hedgehog, not a spider-monkey!

Nobody ever said you were a spider monkey, dude. Chill.

Or maybe that was part of Dad Scyther’s lecture of paternal disappointment, I don’t know.

Time for some coco-soup.

I am… utterly unable to determine what is happening in these next few micropanels, or rather why it’s happening. Wjld shoots a vine/tentacle out of his forearm to grab a coconut (because that’s definately an ability that a hedgehog would have) and then also uses the vines to… cut the tree the coconut was hanging from into multiple chunks? What does he need the wood for? To cook the coconut? Roasted coconuts are a thing, but the objective of that is to dry them out into crunchy chips, not to make soup out of them.

You think tha’s something,

No, tha’s a typo.

Typo Cunter: 47

I can use my leafy tail as a propeller, and I can run real quick.

Oh, so he’s a Tails knockoff in addition to being a Sonichu knockoff, a Spiderman knockoff, a Sonic knockoff, and Norwegian.

 I also blend in with any tree to get my jump!  I rule this jungle!

Whatever the hell that means.

All of the letters in “Bubbles” look like some kind of weird sex toys; the blobby typography and marker shading give them the appearance of molded silicone.

This page is a little easier to interpret simply because there is less happening in it. Bubbles’ egg falls in the ocean and sinks (I guess the ocean technically is ‘next to the beach’), and then a Swampert picks it up and spits it angrily out onto the shore (are hedgehog eggs particularly inedible? I’d wonder why hedgehogs are even laying eggs, but they are all half-Pokemon and even mammal-like Pokemon lay eggs). This causes the egg to hatch and the baby Bubbles to chant “SEX! SEX!” “SEY! SEY!” as she runs back into the ocean and, judging by the bubbles and her panicked expression in the last panel, immediately drowns. I guess the Swampert must have saved her and taught her to swim or something.

Once again the full body of the Swampert is never really seen; I think a lot of the Pokemon designs were just too complex to bother to draw.

Later on, ‘one day’ as Swampert and her kid float around and drop acid (judging by their bewildered expressions and complete lack of any apparent external activty), a large blue-and-white blob which vaguely resembles a whale flies overhead and smashes Swampert out of existance with a large grey rock. I think the idea was that the rock was some kind of barnacle that was attached to the whale and happened to come loose at exactly the right moment to hit Swampert below, but much of the Chandlerological community has ascribed malicious intent to the whale just so they can have someone to root for in the comic.

It’s kind of odd that these eggs just happened to land in areas that matched their elemental color-scheming. Were they somehow attracted to those areas?

So then Bubbles dives down to pick up her mother’s sinking corpse, under the strain evolves into her adult form, and fires an Ice Beam (underwater!) for no reason. I’m not exactly clear on why an amphibious Pokemon being knocked unconscious in the water would put it in any real danger, or why bringing it ashore would help; a lot of marine creatures can only survive at certain depths because the temperature and pressure change the deeper one goes, but I highly doubt Chris knew that.

BUBBLES ROSECHU: My momma Swampert was excited after I rescued her. Now I freely swim the ocean that is my backyard. I found many new friends in the future,

That makes it sound like time travel was involved.

but I’ll never forget what Momma said,

“Swampert swampert swampert, swampert swamp swamp-swampert”??

“Stay strong and true to your heart, and you will prevail.”

Momma Swampert must have quite the collection of cat posters.

I’m so happy, I think I’ll make a seashell necklace.

Because there’s no celebration like making some crappy tourist-bait, amiright?

I have never seen a church built like this. Ever. For one thing, it’s tiny and wider than it is long. For another, the bell appears to be right above the front door and also completely encased within the structure behind a stained-glass window. And for whatever reason, Chris went out of his way to draw in a doorbell.

LEFT NUN: Sister, our Lord has blessed us with a young one from above.

RIGHT NUN: Yes, let’s bring it in, and offer our prayers upon its health.

“Why yes, my fellow human nun! That sounds like a very normal and lifelike thing for us human nuns to do! Let us proceed forthwith in these human nun activities that give observers no reason to suspect we are shapeshifting bug monsters!”

This dialogue also makes it seem like God specifically mentioned the egg would be coming, and asked the nuns to incubate it. This whole passage seems like it belongs in a significantly more interesting story than the one we got, with, like, prophecies and secret societies and Great Old Ones and shit.

Moments later…

Which apparently was enough time for the Holy Order of Exposition to put the egg on a velvet goddamn cushion.

ANGELICA ROSECHU: Rosey.

Even the character herself sounds bored.

*Saved egg-shell*

And then they save her discarded eggshell like it’s a goddamn holy relic.

I don’t know, maybe it does have the power to cure the sick or something. Nothing would surprise me any more in this comic.

After that Baby Angelica preys, studies the Holy Fuckin Buble Necronunmicon, and fails to learn to fly.

RIGHT NUN: Keep trying, my child: the Lord has blessed you with wings, so one day you fly to angelic heights.

“The Lord also bless me with Tarzan Grammar.”

And then Angelica… evolves in her sleep? While fondling herself through her transparent pink sheets? With Chris-Goddamn-Chandler just happening to peer through her window?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Well, she was going to need those shoes and scrunchie.  Sleep well, Angel.

YOU’RE! NOT! HELPING!!!!!

Next morning…

ANGELICA ROSECHU: …And I just awoke anew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RIGHT NUN: Well, Angelica, I knew the Lord would have a grand plan for you.

LEFT NUN: Yes.  He gave you a great script to follow.

God wrote the world in Python??? And does His script supersede or support the script of the Intrusive Director Chandler?

I have so many questions about the theology of this abbey/church/reliquary.

ANGELICA ROSECHU: I am Angelica, humble servant to our Lo0rd.

Typo0 Cunter: 48

Having faith over time will reward you very well.  So keep your head held up hight,

Typo Cunter: 49

and one day, you shall be blessed with good health, true love, and pure happiness.  Spread your wings of hope and fly!

Shut up, cat poster.

Ok, the orange-to-red gradient effect on the letters here is actually kind of neat. I guess the ‘u’ is supposed to depict Punchy’s fist, but it looks like Chris just forgot to color the letter in.

*Nabe’s dojo-shin*

The root ‘shin’ in Japanese can translate to ‘heart’, ‘belly’, ‘mind’, and a whole lot of other things that generally are considered ‘central’ in some way. I spent a good few minutes trying to figure out what a ‘Dojo-center’ would even be before I hopped on over to Annotated Sonichu and learned that one of the characters in Excel Saga goes by ‘Nabeshin’.

NABE: Excellent, my students.  You all make this master G.D.W. proud.

The character in question also goes by “Great Director Watanabe”, and is a direct inspiration for Chris’s fourth-wall-breaking antics. What he’s doing running a dojo (much less a dojo populated by collections of pure white blobs) is anybody’s guess.

Now, we will perfect our choppin’ technique; you never know when you’ll need to cut a movie.

I guess the dojo is also a film school.

I find the idea of an entire style of filmmaking that is also a martial art with editors karate-chopping film segments and shit to be strangely hilarious.

Now, get like this and…

Nani?!

UNIDENTIFIED STUDENT:Master Nabe-san, your egg is shaking.

“No need to be emberassed, sometimes that just happens to older men.”

And then I guess Punchy Sonichu launches out of his egg and screams a bunch and then Nabe cries…

Great Excel-Poemy Saga!

Which is kind of emberassingly self-referential.

PUNCHY SONICHU: Son…

Sonee, sonee, sonee!

And then Punchy screams a bunch and flips the devil horns.

FLOATING HEAD IN A BOX: I’ll accept your challenge!

… there was a challenge?

Other than to our taste, I mean.

MYPOE: Because I, Mypoe, calling myself Byashiko,

So why did you introduce yourself as ‘Mypoe’ then?

will not allow a grasshopper like you to hatch into my director’s dojo-shin so easily!

NABE: Mypoe, I am only your father in this setup; stay in character!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Yeah!  I’m the director of this anime, not Shinabe.

And where do either of you fall in relation to the Screenwriter God?

MYPOE: That doesn’t matter!  I will win this fight!

And my opponent does not need this weak point!  Hyah!

That tiny red thing in her hand is supposed to be Sonichu‘s tail. Because you can’t have an entire section devoted to ripping of Teh Animez without Dragonball Z, I guess.

PUNCHY SONICHU: Hhhhm…

That… really…

…hurt!!

*Sky Uppercut*

We never see Mypoe/Byashiko land, by the way. Punchy presumably threw her all the way into orbit.

NABE: Wow!  You are strong!

I know what Mypoe did was wrong, but if you will let me, I can teach you how to center that power into a much better, less painful-looking style.

Sadly, that lesson should have been directed to Chris.

PUNCHY SONICHU: I am Punchy, strike ninja!  I studied under the G.D.W., Shinabe, and I became the greatest fighter since Goku!

“And I also developed Yellow Peril eyes purely by osmosis!”

Or perhaps he had Yellow Peril eyes from the beginning and thus his falling egg actively sought out a nest of anime tropes?

 I also leaned to keep my temper down by watching TV comedies… Ha, ha!  They’re so funny!

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, wonderful, and now the title font is trying to be spoopy!

At a mysterious mountain…

BLACK SQUARE: Hmmm…it’s cramped in here.

Why yes, self-aware panel, indeed it is! It’s almost as though the comic has no sense of design or something!

I have no idea what is being depicted in that next panel; justdging by the “*crack*” it’s probably Magi-Chan hatching from his egg and his eyes being visible between the two halves of the shell, but in the next panel his eyes are yellow and not white.

How an airborne egg fell into a cave is a mystery for the ages.

MAGI-CHAN SONICHU: Wow!  Where am I?

Am I alone?

 

 

 

CUTOUT SHAPE OF MEWTWO: You are not alone.

MAGI-CHAN SONICHU: Who are you?  Where are you?  What is this place?

MEWTWO: I will be your mentor while you grow.  I am telepathing with you

Typo Cunter: 50

from a grand city.  You are in the cave north-west of here, where I temproary resided.

MAGI-CHAN SONICHU: What do you want?

MEWTWO: I’ve noticed you had psychic abilities like me; I only wish to each you how to use your powers properly.  And whin I have finished teaching you, you will go out into the world and seek out your destiny.

That all sounds… kind of manipulative on Mewtwo’s part, TBH. Like Magi-Chan’s ‘destiny’ is going to oh-so-coincidentally be the obliteration of Team Rocket or something else Mewtwo’s been trying to do for years.

Although that would make the comic actually clever and interesting, so it is unlikely to come to pass.

AND THEN TEXTWALL!

*And so, for months, the mysterious mentor taught this Sonee how to hone his pwers,

Typo Cunter: 51

lift objects (mentally and physically),

Not sure why his training included how to lift objects physically… or for that matter why either of those things aren’t already covered under ‘how to hone his powerspwers’ to begin with.

and wht the outside world was like.

Typo Cunter: 52

The mentor also showed the young one images of popular movies (some featuring Jackie-Chan), the latest pop/rock music, a few birthday parties (for a treat), and the monuments, parks and other grand locations from around the world.

Wow, Mewtwo is really kind of a jerk here. “Hey, kid! Look at all this fun other people are having while you sit alone in a dark cave subsisting on lichen and following my every order!”

One day while meditating…

… Magi-chan evolves! And then farts! And I guess the evolution isn’t enough to break him out of the meditation but the fart is!

2 weeks later…

MEWTWO: Magi-chan Sonichu, I have atught you everything I have to teach for now.

Sadly, he was unable to teach basic proofreading.

Typo Cunter: 53

You, as well as your powers, have grown marvelously.

MAGI-CHAN SONICHU: Master, will I ever meet you face-to-face?

MEWTWO: We will meet in the future.  But now go out into thw world, and seek your destiny!

Typo Cunter: 54

On top of the mountain…

MAGI-CHAN SONICHU: Thank you, master, I will not fail!

I predict success in my future, for I see other hedgehog Pokemon and great adventures.  My destiny is just a teleport away!

Stay tuned for when these hedgehogs meet!

And then we get a… rough transcription of Chris’s My-Space page!

Because that doesn’t date the comic in any way.

Typo Cunter: 55

Also, every single page of this comic has had the borders drawn at this horrible slanted angle.

Wait, didn’t hedgehogs already meet in the “Informal M∃*Eting” comic?

And then textwall.

TERRIFYING CLAW_HEADED MONSTROSITY WITH YELLOW PERIL EYES: Hello, I am Flame the Sunbird. I am not a Pokemon, nor am I related to one.

Calm down, man, nobody was accusing you of anything remotely Pokemaniacal.

People have accused Flame of being a ripoff of Kazooie from the Banjo & Kazooie franchise, and there is indeed a significant resemblence. Chris never references anything even vaguely B&K-related in the rest of the comic, but there was also that bizarre one-off InuYasha reference in the previous issue.

I am the protector of the legendary Master Sunstone; the Master Sunstone controls how everything in the world grows. As long as it remains on my island’s monument, everything will grow like norma.

Norma being known for her famous gardening skills.

Typo Cunter: 56

But if it was to fall into the wrong hands, everything would fall into chaos; humans could grow extra body parts, or lose them.

Annotated Sonichu gets kind of psychoanalytic over this passage, and tries to connect it to an obsession CWC developed later on in the comic’s run with hermaphrodism and making sure that people/characters have the ‘correct’ genitalia. I wouldn’t read that much into it, though, because the fixation is completely absent from Sonichu-related material released in the early 2000s and seems to have only developed after the author started interacting with internet trolls.

Tress would grow legs and walk the earth in anger.

Not sure why trees would be universally angry about being able to walk the Earth; I’d figure they’d either be overjoyed to finally be able to move around, or just not do anything because even if they had legs they’d still not have brains.

Oh, wait, sorry. ‘Tress’.

Typo Cunter: 57

But I, Flame, make sure the Master Sunstone stays in place and together to ensure proper growth. That makes it very powerful.

The fact that Flame guards it is what makes it powerful?

FLAME THE SUNBIRD: Man, it gets lonely here, and I can use pants.

Ok, so, on one hand, I can sympathize, because for the overwelming majority of everyday situations it is indeed better to have pants than to not have pants. Just ask Nash and Tara.

On the other hand, you’re a bird. Whose sole job is to guard a magical rock on an island. Alone.

But wait! What’s this?! An ominous black (or at least very dark gray) unmarked helicopter airdropping Hedgehog Of Color with some kind of rocket-propelled platform?!

GIOVANNI: Let’s go over the mision once more, Black Sonichu, you’ll swoop down onto the island, get the stone and bring it to me!

You’ll use the hoverboard to glide over the ocean at top velocity.

“Oh, ok, sure. I was just thinking to circle around by gliding there at left velocity!”

Be careful with the stone!  I will use its power to make our Pokemon stronger by making them grow!

 

To be honest, I’ve seen worse plans.

Hanna’s, for instance.

With our big, strong Pokemon, I’ll rule the world!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha! You got that?

HEDGEHOG OF COLOR: I got it, boss!  I won’t fail you.

Odd that Hedgehog Of Color is now enthusiastically onboard with this plan when he’d previously expressed reservations about working with Team Rocket and their last plan ended with him getting punched in the face by Zapbud.

FLAME THE SUNBIRD: Eh…

HEDGEHOG OF COLOR: What’s up, doc?

FLAME THE SUNBIRD: Where do you think you’re going with my stone?!

HEDGEHOG OF COLOR: None of your bird’s wax!  See ya!

FLAME THE SUNBIRD: Hey!  You!  Get back here with that Sunstone!

So I guess when the chips are down, the lengths Flame the Sunbird is actually willing to go to to protect his world-shaping Sunstone amount to… lame taunts and empty demands.

Wait, the Super Seekret Anchuent Island holding the Legendary Master Sunstone is only 20 miles 30 kilometers off shore? Why hasn’t anyone tried to steal it before now?! Hell, why isn’t there a gift shop?!

And Flame is pulling off a pretty good Drill Peck for someone who is supposedly not a Pokemon.

Apparently one of the mystical powers of the Legendary Master Sunstone is the ability to grow and shrink at random; at the start it was bigger than Hedgehog Of Color’s entire head, and now it’s barely as large as his hand.

And then the black guy skateboarding away with an enormous stolen gemstone has to make life difficult for all the nice, law-abiding light-colored hedgehogs.

Not sure why Bubbles even knows to blame Hedgehog Of Color here, since her eyes were closed when he flew overhead and swells are a thing that happen in the ocean without any provocation whatsoever.

And then Punchy Sonichu… grabs Hedgehog Of Color’s jetboard instead of the rock he threw up in the air? And just hangs on anyway? I thought Asian stereotypes were supposed to be smart.

It’s weirdly impressive how, just by travelling in a straight line, Hedgehof Of Color is able to collide with and piss off every single other superpowered hedgehog on the continent purely by accident. One might even call it contrived.

I have been completely unable to determine the significance of this many-columned grey structure on a huge earthen base occupying much of the *Map Scope*. It resembles nothing whatsoever on Bulbapedia, and while the barely–visible presence of Magi-Chan’s purple dot atop it suggests it might be his mountain it looks nothing like a mountain even by Sonichu standards. Angelica’s -sorry, Angelida‘s

Typo Cunter: 58

– church is right next to it, though, so maybe it’s just their sacrificial altar or whatever.

I’m not sure what about a giant pink-and-yellow floral bath mat reading “HDPF & PEACF” is supposed to be ‘calm and soothing for the eyes’, either. Maybe it’s soothing to the alien color perception of the eyes her sisters call out of the bonfires every Candlemas; I try not to judge.

The bottom of the page is supposed to depict Punchy Sonichu running into a tree, getting knocked off of Hedgehog Of Color’s hoverboard, and collapsing unconscious against its trunk, but it’s so smushed-down it just looks like the tree is yawning. Because CWC just had to make room for the *MAP SCOPE* and a bunch of random shots of Angelida bombarding the ground with crosses, y’know.

ANGELICA ROSECHU: Hey, are you okay?

PUNCHY SONICHU: Hmmmm… I think so.

ANGELICA ROSECHU: Thank the Lord.

Lest we forget, for even a moment, that Angelida is a Christ-worshipping Christian of Christian Christiness. Or, well, some kind of Lordiness, I guess; in a weird attempt at political correctness I don’t think she ever actually uses the words ‘God’ or ‘Jesus’ in the comic.

PUNCHY SONICHU: Yeah.

PUNCHY SONICHU: Wow, pretty flowers.

ANGELICA ROSECHU: Thank you.  You should see them from above.

And then all of the hedgehogs suddenly realize they are standing right next to each other. I’m not sure how they all got this close without noticing beforehand, or for that matter why Angelida’s whole body is now the size of Punchy’s head.

Flame, oddly, is the only creature here who is even the least bit winded, although judging by his posture that may just be because he chose a particularly inopportune moment to indulge in some weird variety of self-pleasure.

WJLD SONICHU: Oh, man!  More hedgehog Pokemon like myself?  I can’t believe it!

BUBBLES ROSECHU: Wow! I’m not the only one around here!  I wanted some friends, but I didn’t expect this much.!

Typo Cunter: 59

PUNCHY SONICHU: Am I seeing triple?  It’s like being in a fun house’s mirror room!

Although not at all like being in a haunted house’s mirror room. We must be specific, after all.

ANGELIDA ROSECHU: Bless this day!  More hedgehog Pokemon!

BUBBLES ROSECHU: Why isn’t anyone speaking?  Oh, well, I’ll break the ice.

Hello, it’s nice to meet you all.  My name is Bubbles.

PUNCHY SONICHU: Hmmf…you can call me Punchy.

ANGELIDA ROSECHU: I’m delighted.  My name is Angelica.

WJLD SONICHU: And I’m Wild.  I was following this black guy on a board…

Here’s a question for you. Angelida and Punchy were raised by humans, but how do Wjld and Bubbles know how to speak? They seem to have been nonverbal until they evolved, but as soon as they did they somehow picked up English without any visible human contact?

Also, where exactly is Hedgehog Of Color trying to go during all of this? He seems be be heading further and further inland with the Sunstone, but one would think Giovanni’s helicopter would still be somewhere around the shrine island and with Flame out of commission (wimp) he’d want to circle back and deliver the thing already.

MAGI-CHAN SONICHU: Hmmf…

MAGI-CHAN SONICHU: It seems my electric-hedgehog group has just got together, but as they chatter away, Black Sonichu is getting away with Flame’s Sunstone.

I, on the other hand, am sensible enough to monologue away while Hedgehog Of Color gets away with Flame’s Sunstone!”

Also, is Magi-Chan wearing ballet slippers? Because he sure as hell looks like he’s wearing ballet slippers.

But fortunately, I forsee the original one crossing his path ahead and detaining him.  I must meet my group and teleport them to the black one’s location.  *sigh*  Okay, I’m off.

You know, I kind of like the idea of this character. He can see the future and knows how everything is going to go ahead of time, so the whole ‘heroics’ deal is just a chore he grudgingly puts up with and complains about. Kind of a cross between Dr. Manhattan and Freeman’s Mind.

And then instead of teleporting like he just said he’d do, Magi-Chan just flies towards the others.

SONICHU:  When I heard through the grapevine that Black Sonichu was stealing a powerful stone, I couldn’t help but rush to intercept him and return it to where it came from.

And did this piece of intelligence presumably leaked out of Team Rocket include where Hedgehog Of Color would be performing his heist? Or does everyone know about the Master Sunstone and Sonichu just assumed he’d be somewhere nearby it?

HEDGEHOG OF COLOR: Man!  Too many obsticles!  I’ll be too glad to return to Giovanni’s lair!

So I guess they were going to rendesvous back at the gym/base. So what was the point of the helicopter transport, then? Why not just send Hedgehog Of Color overland the whole way?

Interesting to see that Giovanni has apparently upgraded his base into this weird orange castle-like structure, instead of just the square building with a Team-Rocket-branded helipad on the roof. My questions about how this facility could possibly operate in the open remain unanswered, though.

I’m not actually sure who is shouting ‘BANZAI!!’ on this page, nor for that matter why since ‘Banzai’ is a contraction of ‘May the Emperor live for a thousand years!’ and was basically the Imperial Japanese version of ‘God save the Queen!’. Possibly it’s Punchy; he seems to be the primary focus for all things stereotypically Asian ’round these parts.

I am also unsure why there is a pencilled-in line running from Sonichu’s foot to what is presumably the Sunstone.

SONICHU: I will not let you and Giovanni harness such power and ruin the peace of our world!

HEDGEHOG OF COLOR: You will not stop us!

Back with the other hedgehogs…

Well that exchange sure added a whole lot.

MAGI-CHAN SONICHU: Flame, Wild, Bubbles, Angelica, Punchy, I am Magi-Chan Sonichu.  While the five of you were chattering, Black Sonichu has gotten away witht he Sunstone!

Typo Cunter: 60

 Currently, he was intercepted by the original; we must join him, take Blachu down, and get the Sunstone back!

There doesn’t seem to be a retcon of this particular issue anywhere; Chris-Chan presumably didn’t think it was worth the trouble of reuploading a whole issue just to fix one solitary instance of ‘Blachu’.

PUNCHY SONICHU AND ANGELIDA ROSECHU: Yeah!

WJLD SONICHU AND BUBBLES ROSECHU: Yeah!

FLAME THE SUNBIRD: Yeah!

MAGI-CHAN SONICHU: Right!  Teleport!

Well that sure added a lot too.

♪Go!  Go!  Electric Hedgehogs!  Do-do do-dee-o do-do♪

And, of course, they rip off the Power Rangers opening because you really kind of can’t have a collection of color-coded 90s kids upholding the proper order of the cosmos and not at least nod at Power Rangers.

And then Hedgehog Of Color just clocks Sonichu as he stands there aimlessly and ogles the Sunstone. Does the Sunstone have some kind of attractive or compulsive effect on hedgehogs or something? They certainly seem to be drawn to it with preternatural focus.

SONICHU: Black Sonichu… give me the stone, or I’ll zap you!

BLACK SONICHU: You and what army?!

SONICHU: Wha…?

My calvery!

Sorry, but I’m pretty sure Angelida’s the only one here with an interest in the Calvary. Inverted or otherwise.

Typo Cunter: 61

Also, why does Sonichu immediately assume these other hedgehogs are here to help him? The last time a recolored electric hedgehog showed up it was a clone created by Team Rocket that wanted to kick his ass.

SONICHU: Hail!  Hail!  The gang’s right here!

Having been born and raised in Columbus, Ohio I cannot look at this line and see anything other than the Ohio State University fight song. I think it’s highly unlikely that CWC was deliberately attempting to reference that, but I cannot see it as anything else. Annotated Sonichu identifies it as a pop song from 1917, which makes…. even less sense but is borne out by Hedgehog Of Color repeating himself for no fucking reason to deliver the next two lines of the song:

HEDGEHOG OF COLOR: What the hey do I care?  What the hey do I care?

…Lame.

I’m still gonna take you all down one by one!

SONICHU: Huddle!

Which is totally something that Hedgehog Of Color just has to allow them to do and

All right!  No time for round-intros!  Just call me Sonichu!

What else would they have called him, if they’d had more time? He’s literally just called ‘Sonichu’.

Now, Blackie’s got a weak defense!

thats-racist

Avoid his attacks, and attack him with your punches, kicks, wing attacks; that sort!  Let’s win this one for the bird,

“The bird who we just met and whose intentions we haven’t the faintest understanding of!”

and get the stone!  Ready?

Break!

FLAME THE SUNBIRD: I fell into the bushes.

Wow, Flame is almost as useless as Zapbud in this.

HEDGEHOG OF COLOR: Aaaaaaahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somewhat oddly, this fight scene is I think the first one ever to not label what Pokemon move Hedgehog Of Color is using here; whatever it is it seems to generate an omnidirectional burst of electrical bolts which hit everyhog at once.

As such, I am not entirely sure how using Double Team helps Sonichu, since presumably Hedgehog Of Color can just shoot at all of the illusiory clones at once. Nor am I convinced that electrical bolts can be deflected by Razor Leaf, Light Screen, or Bubbles Rosechu’s foot.

And then the gang all circle around Hedgehog Of Color and beat him senseless. Or at least Punchy, Angelida, and Wjld do. Magi-Chan uses Psychic to levitate Hedgehog Of Color even though Psychic is just a blunt telekinetic attack (an actual Psychic-type move that causes Pokemon to levitate, Telekinesis, was introduced later on) and Bubbles’ Doubleslap doesn’t even seem to connect.

And then…. Hedgehog Of Color gets… launched into a pinball machine? Why is this here? Is it an Anchuent Cherokian pinball machine? Did Flame assemble it??

Hi-score: 500,000 SCU

It took me a while to figure out that ‘SCU’ is supposed to be Sonichu’s initials. I wasn’t really playing video games back when arcades were their primary venue, so at first I thought that SCU was some type of points or currency. I’m still not sure why the comic itself would be scoring Sonichu on his punting of Hedgehog Of Color through a suddenly-there pinball machine, though.

SONICHU: We did it!  Black Sonichu is temporary paralyzed, and flame got his Sunstone!

Hedgehog Of Color looks a lot more than temporarily paralyzed here. Although judging by the *TWEET TWEET* sound effect he may just be experiencing massive sanity loss because he decided to solicit advice on Twitter.

And the hedgehogs still fail to either take Hedgehog Of Color into custody or try to talk him down.

 What are we now?

THE GRASS, APPARENTLY: Winners!

And then…. whaddayaknow, there’s another ad!

This one’s a real stumper, as CWC seems to walk the thing back even as he is typing it.

I am, however, left wondering who Chris thinks is the other lonely male in the entire world aside from himself.

This is one of the more worthless of the Sonichu issues, with the vast majority of it being taken up with pointless character intros that we really didn’t ever care about, and all of the actual plot was crammed in at the end- literally, in the case of many pages.

Meh.

As always, thanks to Salt Water Taffy’s Annotated Sonichu and the CWCki for transcriptions and reference.


6 Comments on “2359: Sonichu — Issue 3, Episodes 10 and 11”

  1. BatJamags says:

    “Why yes, my fellow human nun! That sounds like a very normal and lifelike thing for us human nuns to do! Let us proceed forthwith in these human nun activities that give observers no reason to suspect we are shapeshifting bug monsters!”

    Add it to the stories-we’d-rather-be-reading list.

  2. BatJamags says:

    TERRIFYING CLAW_HEADED MONSTROSITY WITH YELLOW PERIL EYES: Hello, I am Flame the Sunbird. I am not a Pokemon, nor am I related to one.

    I wonder how long it’ll take Chris-Chan to forget this.

    • BatJamags says:

      And Flame is pulling off a pretty good Drill Peck for someone who is supposedly not a Pokemon.

      *Clicks stopwatch*

      Three pages.

  3. BatJamags says:

    Lest we forget, for even a moment, that Angelida is a Christ-worshipping Christian of Christian Christiness. Or, well, some kind of Lordiness, I guess; in a weird attempt at political correctness I don’t think she ever actually uses the words ‘God’ or ‘Jesus’ in the comic.

    More fuel for the “bug monster devotees of a Great Old One” theory?

  4. crazyminh says:

    This whole passage seems like it belongs in a significantly more interesting story than the one we got, with, like, prophecies and secret societies and Great Old Ones and shit.

    Illuminate confirmed???

  5. TacoMagic says:

    I’m not entirely sure what a church stoop as opposed to a church step actually even is, so…

    In this case it’s actually used somewhat correctly, though it’s not terribly common word to see outside of big cities.

    Not the best grammar surrounding it, but raised foundation churches do often enough have stoops. It’s a pretty common thing in Milwaukee and Chicago, at least.


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