2355: Game of Thrones and Dragons – Chapter 1

 

Author: ArtAddictedArchitect
Media: TV Series/Book/Video Game
Topic:  The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim/Game of Thrones
Genre: none given
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another single chapter and possible oneshot from the Skyrim/GoT crossover section! The fic is only a few months old and hasn’t had any updates, but is described as a “power wank fic” in the author’s bio, so they may add to it when they feel like stroking their SI some more.

It … It gets bad. Really bad. You should go get a headdesking pillow now to avoid the line.

:brief pillow pause:

Everyone prepped and ready? Great! Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

SI insert into game of thrones as the Dragonborn

Well, that’s certainly … succinct.

I woke up to a slow gradual bumping with a headache.

Urgh. I don’t remember drinking last night.

I’m not really a big drinker, but I don’t think hangovers are usually accompanied by bumping sensations.

The last thing I remember was booting up the PC, getting ready to play a heavily modded version of Skyrim.

That probably describes every PC version of Skyrim – Why run vanilla when the Nexus is a thing that exists? – but what kind of mods? There’s a lot of weird stuff under that umbrella. Are we talking “Every dragon is now Thomas the Dank Engine” and there’s tits on the side of the Blue Palace or do you have so many ENBs and graphical enhancements running you have to keep a fire extinguisher trained on your GPU at all times?

Did I fall asleep gaming? I am sitting up so there’s that.

Why would that be an option? Wouldn’t gaming tend to keep you awake, since you’re presumably focused on a particular task?

But things didn’t add up. Why would I be in a rocking upright position if I fell asleep in my apartment?

Do you own a rocking chair?

With great effort I opened my eyes.

Urgh. Everything’s so blurry.

Blinking a bit I went to rub the grime out of my eyes.

But couldn’t.

My arms were tied together:

The fuck? What’s going on.

Possibly Drunk You must be into some seriously kinky stuff.

Shaking my head furiously to get the eye booger’s and mental cobwebs out I looked around, trying to furiously place where I was.

I was on the back of a wagon with three other prisoners. All of us were bound, and one was gagged. He was dressed in fine clothes worthy of medieval re-enactment.

…You own Skyrim and presumably have played it a few times because you’ve managed to “heavily mod” it, but can’t recognize one of gaming’s most recognizable opening sequences?

“Hey, you. You’re finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right?” The guy sitting ahead of me said. He was a heavily build Nordic man.

“Walked right into that Dothraki ambush, same as us, and that thief over there.”

Nandatte?!?

Wait. What?

Yeah, what they said.

Substitute Dothraki for Imperial, and the arid semi desert plain setting for cold northern forests and I’d be in Skyrim.

Except it doesn’t make any sense for the Dothraki to be substituted for the Imperials, as the two people are nothing alike. They are as far from being alike as you can get, actually. And if you were captured by the Dothraki it would be so that you could be sold as a slave and probably would be made to walk instead of taking up valuable space in one of their wagons.

Wait….. Dothraki? As in…. Game of Thrones?

WHat was going on here?

I’m not entirely sure, but so far it doesn’t make much sense.

There’s a line-break after this, followed by a bunch of nonsense in bold type.

*Ding*

:distant scream:

I see Herr still has issues regarding onomatopoeia.

Gamer Introduction

Audience confusion?

The divine from Skyrim have decided to fuck with the gods of Westeros and thrown you into this world.

Because reasons, apparently. Also, the deities from not one but two fictional worlds are not only real but they like to play practical jokes on each other even though that doesn’t mesh with what we know about most of those deities. Presumably this is also because reasons.

Congratulations! You are the Dragonborn!

In case you couldn’t tell from the fact that you are apparently sitting in the Dragonborn’s seat in the wagon on the way to Dothraki-Helgen to be executed.

You have all the abilities, items, and powers from the game along with the mods you had running!

I find myself hoping that Nameless really does have the Thomas the Dank Engine mod installed.

Since Nameless should be a level 1 scrub with absolutely no abilities or gear and have to rely on their L33T SKILLZ to survive a very hostile and unforgiving world, this should be a very short fic. Unless they are the kind of minmax munchkin gamer who uses a lot of mods to skew their stats far into Stue territory and give their character unlimited access to everything from the beginning so they can stroll through Bleak Falls Barrow in a full suit of Daedric armor with a skin to make them look like Iron Man and duel-wielding lightsabers laser swords as they go.

In addition, dragons will come back to life by the number of levels you are multiplied by leagues.

This option is automatic and can not be changed.

Can it be explained? Because I have no idea what that means.

Also, that “option is automatic and cannot be changed” makes it sound as if Nameless can alter other aspects of the Skyrim world they are inhabiting using whatever mod manager they favor and will presumably be able to access because reasons. That would only work if Nameless was actually inside their version of the game, which casts doubts upon the whole “gods of Westeros pranking the gods of Skyrim” premise. If both fictional places were “real” and are governed by real deities, then why wouldn’t the gods of Westeros send Nameless to the “real” Skyrim? Are they only pranking the gods that govern this very specific game-world? Does that mean every copy of the game has its own set of “real” gods?

Dragons can be killed, but will always be reborn minutes later until the dragonborn absorbs their life force.

So that whole bit about the dragons respawning after Nameless has traveled a certain distance away wasn’t accurate? Or whatever that was supposed to be, it wasn’t entirely clear as to the actual mechanics involved.

I usually like it when an author has rules that govern their world – but this is not how you do that, author. Firstly, you shouldn’t list the rules out is some weird Author’s Note/ aside to the character, and secondly the rules shouldn’t conflict with each other.

Fuck with the royals! Turn the realm on its head! Watch the world burn at your feet!

And I’m sure there are mods that allow you to do all of that, but I don’t know why anyone would want to destroy the world they are currently inhabiting. Whatever is giving Nameless this information either neglected to include any sort of time limit, or Nameless is now trapped in the game forever. Mucking about in a game can be fun, but if you don’t have the ability to erase all your actions by going back to an old save then you should probably think twice before you completely ruin everything.

There’s another line-break and then the narration returns to the regularly scheduled fic already in progress without any explanation as to how Nameless gets this information or who it is from.

Oh.

Oh no.

I was so screwed.

I guess that means that Nameless doesn’t have any god mode mods installed and realizes just how very dead they are going to be.

“Damn you.” The horse thief said suddenly to the assassin.

Assassin?

:Syl leans in the doorway:

“We prefer to be called independent contractors.”

No one cares.

:Syl blows a kiss to Ghostie as she leaves:

“Everything was fine until you came along. The Dothraki were nice and lazy. If they hadn’t been looking for you, I could’ve stolen that horse and been half way to Meereen.”

…Bwa?

Using the exact same dialogue from Skyrim’s opening with a few name changes is really … strange. The Dothraki aren’t lazy, not by any means, and anyone suicidal enough to attempt to steal one of their horses would find themselves very dead very quickly. And it really doesn’t make sense that they would transport assassins or thieves somewhere in a wagon instead of just executing them on the spot.

“You there.” He said looking at me. “You and me – we should be here. It’s these Assassins sent by Robert Baratheon the Dothraki want.”

How does a random horse thief know that Robert Baratheon is sending assassins after Danerys? I doubt that’s common knowledge.

Crap.

I was so going to get executed.

No way around it.

Except you know that there is a way around it, because you know that Alduin is going to interrupt the execution.

The Dothraki hated horse thieves.

Homicidally so.

Which, again, makes me question why they would transport a thief somewhere to kill them instead of just … killing them. Dothraki are not known for their patience and ability to plan ahead.

And if the other guys were assassins sent by Robert Baratheon it was the beginning of the series. Maybe even before Khal Drogo dies?

Since you seem to be in a world that is primarily Skyrim with a few superficial bits from Game of Thrones tacked on, you might want to focus on what you know about Skyrim instead.

I moved my bound hands up to scratch my face to test if the screen I was seeing was real.

Screen? What screen? Did that deus ex machina stuff appear on some sort of screen? And where is this screen?

It rippled like a pond where a rock dropped in when my hands moved through it’s space.

A hologram.

If it is a hologram, where is it being projected from?

This has to be my least favorite trope regarding these “SI character falls into a video game” fics; the author wants their character to be in the game world, but they don’t know how they are supposed to interact with this game world other than via the game menus. This one apparently wants to hold on to all of their mods as well, which is more than a little unsettling. Skyrim and Game of Thrones aren’t even worlds where having an interface like that would be plausible, since holographic tech is light-years beyond what Westeros or Skyrim would have. It’s as if the author doesn’t even care about the worlds they are borrowing and just want to use them as a backdrop for their Stue.

“Where are they taking us?” I asked the assassin.

Hopefully to your death.

“You don’t know?” The assassin chuckles. “The last Targaryen is what they were calling her,” his eyes were full of mirth, seemingly resigned to his fate, “of course, as of the other night I suppose it’s ‘the mother of dragons’ now.”

I was fucked.

That’s it, simply and royally fucked.

You keep saying that and I normally would agree with you – but then again I know how these fics usually go.

Well, At least I could look around and see where I was out.

If you’re in the same type of open wagon that appears in Skyrim you should have absolutely no problem seeing what is around you. Of course, they could be rolling you across the Great Grass Sea in a barrel for all I know.

Cranking my neck side to side, and with a particularly helpful bump, I saw the Dothraki horde in the distance. Not too far away now, perhaps another 5 minutes of travel.

This must be the slowest wagon in the world. I timed the opening wagon ride in Skyrim and it takes just over three minutes from the time the player “wakes up” to the point they arrive in Helgen and disembark.

Time to see what else this version of Gamer powers had.

What else? You don’t know anything about what powers you may or may not have.

The version of Skyrim I was getting ready to run had over 209 mods.

:violently spits coffee all over desk:

Over two hundred and nine?!? As in, you’re not really sure what shit you’ve crammed into your game files but it is probably a lot? How are they all compatible? If they are in the actual game and not the ‘real’ version of Skyrim then there’s going to be stuff glitching out left and right.

Double jump just for me, better giants, overhauled combat systems, dozens of tweaks and overhauls to various systems.

There are a lot of little mods that make small adjustments to Skyrim’s infamously broken mechanics so I can see how having a lot of those might artificially inflate the number of mods, but if this is supposed to be a “real” world that the character now inhabits then things like the Static Mesh Improvement Mod – which adjusts textures and increases the polygon count of objects to make them look less like blocky nightmares that hate your eyes and want to make them suffer – shouldn’t really be relevant anymore. Same with any adjustments to the combat system; if you’re an actual person engaging in actual combat then mods that inflate base damage stats or increase swing speeds to bump up the DPS ratio aren’t going to be much use anymore.

I would personally be most concerned about that “better giants” mod; in my experience, making an enemy ‘better’ usually means making it smarter and harder to defeat. Vanilla giants are already tricky for lower level players – nine times out of ten you’re going to end up flying Air Skyrim halfway across the hold.

Different elementals including air, earth, and metal.

Different elementals? Does that mean there will be spells based on different elements, or atronachs based on different elements? Because I’m sure there are mods for both.

Hotspot toggle buttons where I could equip entire outfits and magic presents using the number keypads.

Of course you do.  But how exactly does that apply to this situation? Hotkeys are great but you kind of need access to, y’know, keys to use them. You just have an omnipotent holographic screen telling you stuff. Your hands passed right through it, so you wouldn’t be able to interact with it like you would a keyboard.

Unlimited number of summons, multiple dragon souls gained when absorbing a dragon’s life force, seconds long cooldown for dragon Shouts—

:headdesk:

I guess Nameless is the kind of gamer who runs a bunch of god mode mods. This is really only going to be helpful if they manage to kill a dragon or learn Conjuration magic, though.

There’s another line-break, which means it is time for more deus ex machina screen-time.

*Ding*

All the mods you had running were included.

…You already told Nameless that. And how do you know that’s what they are thinking about?

Aren’t you glad the sexy mage mod wasn’t toggled?

Does that mean there will be sexy mages, or that there won’t be? Because J’Zargo is pretty cute even in the vanilla version. And something tells me that even if the sexy mage mod isn’t running, there are probably other ‘sexy’ mods in the mix. Someone go check to see if there are tits on the Blue Palace.

Currently restrictions have been placed until certain criteria have been met.

Presumably this is supposed to be a way to throttle in the rampaging case of Stu/e-ness that access to god mode mods would create, but I have a feeling that it’s going to be a half-assed effort at best.

Weak tier 1 magic spells & shouts unlock at level 10

Medium tier 2 magic spells & shouts unlock at level 25

Upper level and beyond unlock at level 50

:headdesk:

So instead of earning Shouts by seeking out Word Walls, or finding spell tomes in dungeons, or earning gold to buy spells from mages – or actually doing ANYTHING – there is just a mass unlocking once you reach a certain level? And I can almost guarantee that among those two hundred plus mods there’s going to be a cheat room or cheat chest, thus giving Nameless the ability to level themselves up to whatever level they like.

All mods are active

So I’ve heard. Repeatedly.

All skill trees unlocked

All skill levels started at 5

No level or skill cap

Well, if all the skill trees are unlocked then presumably that means all the perks have already been granted to this jackass so there really isn’t any reason for them to even level up AT ALL unless they want to unlock spells and shouts. Even then the top tier spells and shouts unlock at Level 50 so there’s no reason to go beyond that. That makes the lack of a skill or level cap also pointless.

In the event of death you will be bought back in exchange for 1 Dragon soul of energy

Current souls: 0

Gee, I hope Nameless doesn’t die before they have a chance to kill a dragon. Or while killing a dragon. Or gets eaten by Alduin.

There’s another line-break signifying the end of this little aside; the fic can’t seem to go more than a few paragraphs without inserting one of these updates letting Nameless know exactly how much of a massively overpowered Stu/e they are. I’m going to stop mentioning when there are line-breaks because there are so many. Just assume there are lots of them.

Okay.

Allright.

This could work. One of the mods I had running was extra health, magic, and stamina that would grow exponentially as I leveled up.

:headdesks:

Of course there are. I bet Nameless doesn’t even have to choose which stat to increase each time they level up; all three probably increase at the same by some improbable number.

Everything was three times higher than the norm.

:repeatedly headdesks:

I started with a extra 900 stamina/health/mana.

:spits coffee all over the desk again:

THERE’S HOW MUCH?!?

That is NOT three times the normal amount. The base levels for each of these three stats is a hundred, maybe slightly more or less if you play as a race that gets a racial bonus or penalty at the beginning. Nine hundred extra would give this Level 1 scrub at least a thousand each in Health, Magicka, and Stamina, which is significantly more than three times the starting amounts.

As a comparison, here is the stats screen for my Level 75 Khajiit – Nekko, AKA Mr. Sprinkles – from my Switch with all of his stat-boosting gear removed.

Image may contain: textThe mathematically inclined among you may notice that all of his stats added together total a bit over a thousand. This is after I’ve put over a two hundred hours on the character and done quite a lot of grinding. Nameless hasn’t even gotten out of the wagon yet.

And everything regenerated. Slow now, but the rate would eventually pick up. Auto regen would probably save my life in battle.

The stats do recover, but unless you’re wearing gear specifically enchanted to increase the regeneration rate the speed doesn’t change. It certainly isn’t level dependent.

Honestly I had so many mods running, I’d need to sit and look through the list soon.

Why, so you’ll know exactly how much of an overpowered munchkin you really are?

As soon as I got out of this scrap.

Is the author still trying to pretend that Nameless is in any sort of danger?

One thing for sure I had running was every dragon soul I absorbed, I got it threefold. Killing one dragon would give me three souls, three tries to continue staying alive.

:headdesk:

While I’m sure there are mods for that, it is such utter bullshit. It makes no sense – how or why would a dragon even have three souls? And why would you ever need that many?

The menu popped up when I needed it, maybe everything else was the same?

The menu screen actually responded to Nameless’ thoughts, not their needs; Nameless is essentially Skyrim’s version of a Green Lantern except instead of their will manifesting as green energy it is manifesting as improbable and unrealistic bullshit probably displayed in Futura font.

Correct!

Menu options are triggered mentally

No looking around and poking the air like a idiot or muttering under your breath!

In other words, Nameless doesn’t even have to expend any effort to become a massive Stue.

Nice.

Well, that’s one less thing to worry about.

What were my stats?

I assume they are going to be stupidly high, even by Skyrim’s wonky standards.

Level: 5

Exp: 0/500

Health: 1,400

Mana: 1,400

Stamina: 1,400

:desk dissolves under a torrent of nose-coffee:

Dammit. My lunch was in there.

:retrieves new desk from dispenser:

How the frickin’ hell is this jerkoff at Level 5 before they’ve even gotten out of the damn wagon?!?

That seems good?

No, that seems stupidly overpowered and also not at all what the fic claimed. Again.

I didn’t really have anything else to base the stats off of though.

Guess I would find out soon.

By which you mean “immediately”, I assume.

Beginner 0-10

Novice 10-20

Good” 20-40

Expert 40-60

Master 60-80

Legendary 80-100

This applies to levels and stats

…I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. The only stat that even falls into those ranges is Nameless’ level. The skill trees have all been unlocked, presumably setting them at the highest levels, so this listing doesn’t apply to them. Of course, if all the skills are set at their maximum then Nameless’ level would actually be far about Level 5 and probably be closer to Mr. Sprinkles’ range.

Okay. So that meant that I’d fight like a novice, but be evenly distributed between everything.

No … You’d fight like a Beginner, because you’re Level 5. Because reasons. And by ‘evenly distributed’ I assume you mean that all other skills – like Conjuration, Archery, or Speech – are set to the maximum so they don’t have to be listed out anywhere.

Huh, I’m a literal jack of all trades. I sorta suck at everything. But that was the first step towards being sorta good at something.

You SHOULD suck at everything, because the relatively sedentary life of modern gamers doesn’t really prepare you to be thrown into a world like Skyrim or Westeros, and die fairly quickly – but since you are a cheating cheater made of cheating you’ll probably end up crowned High King/Queen and sitting on the Iron Throne in Solitude or whatever weird mash-up the author comes up with.

I’ll take it.

I bet you will.

If this played out like the Skyrim intro, and with my level 5 any dragon skeletons within 5 leagues would be reborn— soon I could expect my execution to be delayed.

Good.

Wait, that’s what all that nonsense meant? That makes zero sense in the lore of the game; Alduin is the one who is going around resurrecting dragons, who are buried in special mounds, regardless of whether or not the Dragonborn is nearby. The author seems to be focusing on their mod load list to the near total exclusion of any sort of setting or actual structured narrative. They are really hammering it in that this Dragonborn is OMG the best EVAH!!!1! without providing any sort of framework to fit the character into.

The Dothraki were terrifying.

And I had no backup chances.

:yawns:

Forgive me for not giving any damns, but given your massive pool of health you could probably stab a bear in the face repeatedly with a fork and still survive long enough for it to eventually bleed to death.

Dragons would spawn automatically from any fossils in the area around me. And then the dragons could fly around and bring other dragons back. It’s a relief everything wasn’t depended on me.

So … The dragons within a certain radius will spawn – or be resurrected from fossils – except for when those dragons go off and resurrect their own dragons elsewhere even though Alduin is the only one with that ability and this somehow doesn’t rely on Nameless even though the first message from the omnipotent screen stated that Nameless’ presence was what resurrected the dragons?

My brain hurts now.

With the ability to get 3 souls worth of energy for every dragon, after a while I could find the perfect equilibrium between dragons and the human population and grow strong.

Or you will rapidly become a stupidly overpowered munchkin, which is far more likely. And why do you need to find a “perfect equilibrium between dragons and humans”? What does that even mean?

But that would be for later.

The wagon was closing onto camp.

Way, way, WAY later, because you still haven’t even gotten out of the wagon. I bet Nameless is one of those impatient gamers who skip through every cutscene and dialogue tree but then can’t figure out what they’re supposed to be doing and wind up getting murdered by the first boss.

Maybe there was something useful in the inventory? A dagger to cut the binds, or something to help me escape.

At this point it wouldn’t surprise me to discover that Nameless has a Daedric Laser Sword of Greater Ass-Kicking, a full set of dragonbone armor, and a mini-nuke in their inventory.

Inventory access not allowed during introduction

That’s unexpected, especially since Nameless apparently can access other menus during this ‘introduction’ sequence.

Afterwards anything in the Inventory can be recalled or accessed any time through the Inventory Window

Wait, what?

That can’t mean what I think it means, can it?

Maximum number of windows: 3

Maximum distance for window: 1 meters

Maximum size: 1 meters

Plus one meter tied to every five levels gained

Nameless can open not one but THREE separate inventories (even though they should only have one inventory) and put anything into this inventory provided that the item is less than a meter away and less than a meter square with those parameters ever-expanding? And apparently anything that is placed into these inventories is marked as Nameless’ property and they will be able to put it back into their inventories even if the items are no longer in their possession. Do I have that right? Because that sounds very wrong.

This inventory window rocked. I was level 5, and it looks like the distance away from me I could open it, and the corresponding size was tied to my level.

No, it needs to be buried under a big pile of rocks and never again see the light of day.

Only 3 windows at a time could be better, but I’d take it.

You have three apparently infinite Bags of Holding that you can not only access at any time but that you can use to remotely take items you’ve previously sold or dropped and you’re complaining about it?

With the recall option I could sneak through the Lannister camps, pick up their weapons and armor before putting it all back, and then mass recall everything halfway during a battle.

Thus proving my point that this is a massively overpowered ability for someone to have.

Or open a window in front of me, and have it act as a shield.

I don’t think that’s how inventories are supposed to work, but it would not surprise me if these “windows” could be used to scoop arrows out of the air or yank weapons out of attackers’ hands.

Items must be physically held to be placed in inventory

I’m pleasantly surprised. I am curious to know if Nameless has to physically hold the items in their hands or if, for example, getting shot repeatedly in the knee with arrows would count as being held and the arrows could be removed directly to the inventories.

Or not.

But still. The possible damage I could cause… in the future.

It’s sad that even the character can see how ludicrously easy it would be to abuse this ability.

If I lived that long.

Because right now we were entering the Dothraki camp, with them jeering and yelling at us.

Again, holy crap, the Dothraki were terrifying.

“Oh, noes. I iz in terrible danger! LOLZ.”

After quantifying exactly how much of an overpowered Stue this character is, these little attempts to portray them as being in danger are just laughable.

If I were level 10 I could use destruction Magic to bring through the ropes binding me.

Wait, what?

The fic stated that the spells were sorted into different tiers that would be unlocked as the Stue’s level increased, not that entire schools of magic were blocked off. I assumed that meant that Stue has access to, for example, the Destruction spell Flames but not the more powerful Fireball spell.

If I had access to the Inventory I could also slip away.

How, by folding yourself into the pocket dimension of your Bag of Holding?

What I’d give for the ability to do ID create.

…Hold on. Is the reason we haven’t gotten a description of the protagonist because they haven’t gotten to the character creation screen yet?!? Is there going to be a frickin’ CHARACTER CREATION MENU in this fic!?!?!?

:repeatedly headdesks:

That’s just … It’s just so … No.

The wagon stopped and the Dothraki turned and yelled at us. Another horde member came over and jerked the rope tying us all together.

“No please!” The horse thief cried. “You don’t have to do this!”

No, they really do have to do it even though it makes no damned sense and you all should have been dead or slapped into slave chains long before now. Because plot regurgitation.

The Dothraki pulling the line turned, and just spit in his face. Horse thief’s face turned white from fear. Shouts and shrieks of the rolled up horde was rising and climbing in the air around us.

We were being lead to the middle of camp.

Instead of being immediately killed, which is definitely what should have happened to these idiots.

A few tense anger filled minutes later we arrived at a tent. Sir Jorah Mormont stepped out from it.

An older man with grey in his scruffy beard, Mormont was a imposing figure as in this day and age- to grow old was a accomplishment. As a warrior triple so.

“So,” He said, “Here you are. The traitors sent to kill our queen.”

He looked at us with great distaste and with personal hate in his eyes. From what I remembered he too was a spy, and at some point became loyal to Daenerys.

Looks like that point was today.

And he was going to kill us all before we could talk. So we couldn’t rat him out.

That would only make sense if he thought you know he was a spy – which you do because of meta-knowledge, but he doesn’t know that – and if the Westerosi were in the habit of telling the assassins they send that not only are there spies near Dany but who they are. That’s terrible espionage; if any one caught one of the assassins, which is very likely, then they would be able to extract the knowledge of who was spying on Dany.

“No!” The horse thief cried. “I don’t belong here! Please let me go.”

How have you not gotten killed yet?

The Dothraki leading our line suddenly struck that thief. He said something in their language and spat at the thief again. Then he jerked the rope around my wrists and said something else in Dothraki.

Sir Jorah turned to me. “He says you aren’t a assassin and that you were captured at the same time.” He turned a scrutinizing gaze on me, trying to glean any secrets.

And was still brought along with the assassins and thief instead of being put with the other slaves like they should have been.

“He says they found you wandering dazed and confused. Wearing rags and a stupidly thick backpack. The pots that were tied to the back had come loose, and the clanging alerted the guards.”

So why in the seven hells is Nameless here? For what reason did the Dothraki not take all of Nameless’ stuff and either kill them or capture them to sell as a slave?

Sir Jorah continued to look at me while coming to a decision. Seeming to conclude that I was just a idiot he turned to me to let me go.

I assume this is so Nameless can skip the opening attack and just scamper off to do whatever they want.

“I hope you realize that I’ll have to kill you on principal.” Sir Jorah said. “Nothing personal. I’m sure you understand.”

Fuck. So much for getting my hopes up.

Still not feeling any sense of danger.

Seeing a chance, the horse thief took a break for it. He didn’t get far. The Dothraki who drove the cart scoffed, then threw his arakh violently.

It pierced his back.

‘Bout damn time.

The horse thief fell to the ground screaming. Gravel and sand crunching underfoot softly the Dothraki walked over slowly. He grabbed the handle of the weapon and pulled it out twisting, and with one violent slash decapitating the thief.

The surrounding horde members cheered and shouted celebrating. Someone else came over and started pissing on the body.

The Dothraki did not like horse thief’s.

Yeah, you keep saying they don’t like horse thieves, but they still kept this one alive so that he could run off and complete the script for Skyrim’s opening sequence.

In the midst of the cheering sir Jorah looked at our guards. “Gag them.”

Why? None of the others have even spoken a single word, and the troublemaker just got decapitated and turned into a urinal.

We were drawn on our knees, hands still tied, and gagged unable to speak. A chopper block was brought out. Literally a stump they found just for the occasion.

From where? The Dothraki live in the Great Grass Sea – not a lot of trees around.

Sir Jorah took out his sword with a soft swish. The light reflected off it in a deadly sheen.

Looking at a Dothraki guard he nodded, and the guard pulled the tent flaps back.

Out stepped Daenerys Targaryen with three small dragons flapping around her. They flapped like bats, looked reptilian, but seemed to behave like cats. She was feeding them small strips of meat.

I just thought of something. Dany has baby dragons that she hatched from eggs. Alduin, or I guess Nameless now, is bringing back full-grown dragons from fossils. Dany’s dragons aren’t going to be very rare any more, so she won’t be able to trick the slave masters in Astapor into giving her the Unsullied, and since they are small they aren’t going to be as much of a threat as the full sized dragons that are going to be popping out of the ground like daisies.

Daenerys herself looked pristine and exactly like the show. But tv couldn’t capture the madness in her body language, or the harshness in her eyes. She had just burnt khal Drogo recently, there were still soot stains in small crevices on her face.

She looks pristine, except for being stained with her husband’s ashes?

She Then focused on us, looking at the three of us on our knees. From her point of view, all of us, myself and the thief included had come to make her dragons bleed.

And there would be blood.

Ours.

Unless something inexplicable, like a full-grown dragon attacking, happens at the last possible second to stop them.

“You have been accused of the attempted assassination of our queen- Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, and Mother of Dragons.” Sir Jorah said.

“The punishment for this act of treacherous behavior is death.”

But not, y’know, immediate death. Just eventual death. Probably.

Daenerys looked at us. “Start with the finely dressed one. Leave the idiot for last. Him I want to talk to.”

Why would she want to talk to the idiot instead of the one in the nice clothes that presumably mark them as being of higher status? Wait, there was someone in nice clothes? Was that the assassin? Or is it supposed to be Ulfric Stormcloak? If it is, was he already gagged or did the author forget he was supposed to be and decided to gag everyone at the last minute to make sure?

“Very well my queen.” Sir Jorah said. He nodded to a Dothraki and the assassin that I had talked to on the cart was dragged over. His clothes didn’t match his attitude, he acted more like a scared boy- probably being a spy for the Spider and having been bribed into doing this.

I hope you realize that spies and assassins are two completely different things.

The other co conspirator was a teenage boy wearing rags, perhaps 15 years old. Just a boy really.

“I’d give you the honors of a last word,” Sir Jorah said, “but you don’t deserve it friend. Best of luck in death.”

The spy turned assassins eyes widened in horror. And with a rapid swing, his head dropped to the ground. A spray of blood shot out into the air misting and drizzling into the coarse sand.

The headless body dropped onto the ground. Blood tickling and gushing out in uneven dribbles, the sand a thirsty sponge drinking it up. A far off roaring sound filled the air. But that might have just been my ears ringing.

I’d never seen someone die two meters from my face. The smell of burnished copper filled the air turning my stomach.

Before I knew it, the sword sang in the air again. Another head rolled on the sand, dirt and debris sticking to the wet wound.

If the fic hadn’t spent so long establishing that Nameless has a very deep pool of health as well as countless mods that probably give them layers of plot armor thicker than a battleship’s hull, this might be vaguely worrying.

“Untie the gag sir Jorah.” Daenerys said.

Then what the frickin’ point was there to put a gag on them in the first place?!?

The gag was yanked off my mouth. I moved my jaw, trying to get some feeling back into it and the taste of rag off my tongue. Smacking my mouth to get some saliva back in it Daenerys asked me a question.

Don’t be such a ddrama llama.

“Who are you? And why were you wandering around my camp at night?”

…They weren’t? If they had been found in her camp, then they wouldn’t have had to take a long wagon ride to get to you.

Character Creation Screen

Son of a bitch!

*Mod activated*

Screen can be accessed at any time

All creatures and Species available

Hotset’s active

Active: 1/100

Every dragon killed unlocks more available presets

Dragons killed: 0

Chimera mode unlocks at level 10

:headdesks:

Of course Nameless can change their appearance at will whenever they damn well feel like it! That’s a totally believable thing that happens! It would also seem they can have ‘preset’ appearances to cycle through as they wish, so they don’t have to mess around with sliders to make their boobs extra bouncy or whatever.

And I don’t know what the hell Chimera Mode is, but I already don’t like it.

Save states are semi temporary

I don’t think you understand what save states are, and why the hell are there going to be save states?

It creates a template preset that you can come back to anytime

Small alterations can be made at any time

Alterations can be saved in 5 subsets triggered at any time

Race and facial structure are locked once a template is finalized

Everything else can be altered and saved whenever the whim strikes

:repeatedly headesks:

What is the ever-loving hells is this nonsense? Is Nameless really such a massive Stue that they can’t restrict themselves to one character but have to be ALL the characters?

I was essentially a shapeshifter provided I’d killed enough dragons to have multiple modes to shift from.

Considering your very presence causes dragons to form out of fossils, I don’t think that will be an issue.

And Chimera mode would be a lifesaver.

I’m still not sure what Chimera mode is supposed to be, but I know what a chimera is and that scares me.

For shits and giggles I downloaded a mod that let me play as literally everything in the game if I wanted to. From a spider, to a dragon, or frost troll.

I don’t think I’d want to play as a Frostbite Spider; they look intimidating but go down faster than a drunken prom date.

In Chimera mode parts that should never be able to work together could.

I was afraid it would be something like that.

In something akin to Spores Character Creation I could add limbs of a spider onto a wolf and play as that — or be a Cat Girl with Khajiit ears.

Yes, I’m sure the biology of a giant spider would definitely be compatible with a mammal like a wolf and that there wouldn’t be any structural or control issues at all. I don’t know about you, dear Patrons, but I remember the Spore limb-swapping system and it did not make for the most stable character models.

Also – Khajiit ears on a Cat Girl? Khajiit are anthropomorphic cats so a Cat Girl with cat ears would essentially already have Khajiit ears. I guess if you have the ability to alter your actual physical structure at will you don’t care that you’re wasting you power on redundant features.

With the character creation screen up, time had froze. Well not froze per day, just greatly, greatly slowed down. Everything went Grey- but I could see time was moving by looking at the fresh flies that were starting to be interested in the recently headless corpses around me.

That has disturbing implications.

Who was I?

You don’t want me to answer that question, cupcake.

Right now I looked exactly like a young Will Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Hello, wish fulfillment! At least Nameless finally has a gender and appearance, not that it matters since those can change on a whim.

That had a certain amount of sense I suppose. Hot, but realistically so. Dark hair that could pass for a northerner, but a face that wouldn’t be out of place in any merchant city in this world.

Meh. Not my type but I suppose he’s attractive if you go for that.

I should see what the Daedra consider ‘small alterations’ before I face the music with Daenerys and the horde of Dothraki.

Mentally clicking on the avatar of myself I waited to see how many sliders and presets could be brought up.

Holy crap.

Oh, that’s not good.

Literally hundreds. I could change my eyes in anyway I wanted to, including anime eye colors like Orochimaru’s gold or goat and fox eyes with bizarre pupils.

The shape of my hands, how long my fingernails could be, how much and where exactly the body hair would go. Scars, tattoos, disfigurements.

Even 30 or so sliders for my sexual organs.

Of course the Daedra would give me the options to have a dong that would fit a horse. Literally in this case.

While I’m sure there are mods that give you that level of customization, that just seems overly complicated. And why would you even need thirty different variables for male genitalia? Are you suppose to sculpt each ball separately?

My body was frozen in time with only my eyes able to move, but tweaking sliders gave me a phantom limb feeling to get a good idea of what to expect.

Why would his eyes move if he’s able to ‘mentally click’ on things, whatever that means?

That would be something to experiment with later.

Muuuch later.

And I think we all know which variables he’s going to be playing with later.

I might as well be Orlando Bloom. Worse things could happen after all.

I have a bad feeling worse things are going to happen very soon.

I made a few tweaks, dragon serpentine eyes with the vertical pupil slits for dramatic effect, and downsizing the size of my cock and balls to something normal.

The Daedra probably thought it was funny to give me testicles the size of large ripe plums, and a cock that was over one third of a meter in length.

I’m wondering how Nameless failed to notice he was packing a massive trouser python until the character creation screen appeared. And it must be bizarre to see this happen from the Dothraki’s perspective; like the world’s most extreme turtling ever.

And with a mental click, I finalized The presets and exited out of the menu.

Time resumed.

I’m confused. The fic stated that time didn’t stop for everyone, just Nameless – everyone just slowed down. Does that mean he was just standing there for several seconds, fiddling with his sliders, while everyone watched and wondered what the hell was going on? If that’s the case, it would probably be smart to do any alterations out of public view so no one thinks he’s some sort of evil mage.

“Are you a mute as well as dumb?” Sir Jorah said. “The queen asked you a question.”

Time to do this dramatically.

Oh, hell.

I looked up at Daenerys and blinked the tears out of my eyes. Changing the eyes to serpentine for dramatic effect didn’t hurt, but It did feel weird. My viewpoint shifted as the sides of my vision blurred slightly, and the center sharpened.

No thermal vision though.

Seemed like it was just a somewhat cosmetic alteration to my pupils. I’d probably need to use Chimera mode for that.

:headdesk:

Because of course thermal vision is an option now. He will probably be able to fly and shoot laser beams out of his arsehole as well.

“Dragonborn.”

“What.” Daenerys said.

“I am the Dragonborn,” I said, “when the dragons were born last night anew I was too.”

And how exactly does that explain how you were wandering about wearing rags and dragging a bunch of crap around with you? Do you even know when the Dothraki captured you? If it was some time before, then they would have had you in custody during the time when you were supposed to be ‘reborn’.

I was bullshiting so hard.

This fic in a nutshell.

“I have come down from another plane of existence. My purpose is to combat the spread of wild dragons, who now return from the grave. Only I can permanently end them, and until I do they will terrorize the landscape forevermore.”

:facepalm:

Dude, think for a minute. So far the only dragons that have appeared are Dany’s babies; announcing to the MOTHER OF DRAGONS that you are there to murder dragons is an extremely bad idea.

Daenerys and Sir Jorah looked at me while the Dothraki translator was talking to the horde.

There was a tense moment of silence.

And with a chuckle it was broken.

All at once everyone started laughing.

Huh. That’s unexpected. I thought they would just kill (or attempt to kill) him because he just announced that he’s a threat to the dragons. I mean … He has reptilian eyes now, something that isn’t normal for humans in either canon. That alone should give some weight to him being a threat. At least, enough that he should be eliminated.

Some Dothraki threw their heads back and have great belly laughs. Sir Jorah was laughing so hard he had to wipe away tears. Daenerys laughed wryly, one corner of her mouth lifted.

That’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?

“I see now that you are just a idiot. A brave one, but a idiot nonetheless.” The Dragon Queen said. “Did you honestly think a lie like that would work? That is too much- even for me.”

She looked at Sir Jorah, any traces of amusement gone. “Cut off his head.”

There we go. I guess this is when Alduin is going to attack.

I was dragged to the chopping block.

Looks like this is the end.

Technically it’s the beginning, because this is what happens in the opening sequence. Despite the bits of GoT, the series of events – wagon ride, horse thief getting killed, character creation, a beheading – has followed Skyrim’s opening. Even if Nameless wasn’t an overpowered Stu, he should know what will happen next.

And then I heard it.

A roar.

Alduin!

Out of the edges of camp came tumbling a glowing half formed dragon skeleton. Breaking out of the rock wall, the skeleton was rapidly growing flesh and ligaments.

…Okay, not Alduin. Just some random dragon who was apparently built into the wall that just appeared.

 It was about the size of a elephant, or what Daenerys dragons would be when she got the unsullied army.

The dragons were the size of large dogs when they arrived in Astapor, not elephants. They grew fast, but not that fast.

It barreled over horses, gnashing it’s teeth, trying to eat them up.

And the horses screamed.

Dothraki riders looked, saw a skeletal Dragon coming back to life, and saw their horses run in fear. All at once they unleashed their weapons and charged.

I know the Dothraki are supposed to be fearless, but damn. They must be really attached to those horses.

The Dothraki holding me down started yelling. And suddenly mid conversation I understood him.

Wait, what?

Auto translate on

Spend enough time around a language and be fluent in it

Current languages:

English

Dothraki

:headdesks so hard the desk cracks:

That’s … That’s not how languages work. Like, at all. Not even video game bullshit mechanics can explain this … THIS. You don’t learn an entire language by hearing a few words. You just don’t.

“—must be a witch! Let me cut off his head Khaleesi!” He shouted.

He May be telling the truth! Don’t kill him!” Daenerys commanded.

Everyone knows that after killing a sorcerer their magic goes away. It is known! I am killing this bastard now, for the safety of the camp!”

He unsheathed his arakh and went to cut off my head.”Forgive me my queen!” He shouted and swung.

But my head was no longer there.

I’m confused. Did Nameless just preemptively behead himself?

I rolled on the ground and kicked him in the knees. He fell, and the arakh stabbed into the ground. Seeing him dazed and confused I took the chance, looped my hands over the sword and crescent like weapon, and cut my bonds free.

The Dothraki stood up angry.

He’s probably mad that you think a little fall left him dazed and confused.

He spared a glance at the wild Dragon. At that moment enough flesh had regrown that it’s chest and head were mostly intact.

It roared again.

And this time it breathed out Dragon fire.

Instead of breathing out Dragon spaghetti like all the other dragons do.

The surrounding Dothraki and horses died instantly. Heat bloomed in the sky, and the screams of men and horses filled the air.

The Dothraki I was fighting looked at the scene in horror. Many fine stallions and mares were being slaughtered.

I took the chance.

Grabbing the arakh, I swung it at him in his blind spot. And cut into his neck.

His head went flying, blood squirting in the air, drenching my hair. Surrounding guards suddenly brought their focus back on me, and flanked to protect the queen. Believing I’d be running to kill her next.

Why? The Dothraki know Nameless isn’t an assassin targeting Dany. Since he’s free now and doesn’t have the same attachment to horses that the Dothraki do, logically Nameless would flee for his life and count himself lucky. Or, if he really is the Dragonborn sent to destroy wild dragons as he just claimed, he will attack the dragon that is eating their horses. Either way, they have bigger problems to handle.

Level up!

Level up!

Level 7

Current Exp 130/7,000

This bastard leveled up TWICE?!? Doing what, exactly?  His previous EP was at zero out of five hundred and presumably the next level after that one would have required as much if not more EP, so he just got over a thousand EP for dodging out of the way, freeing himself, and killing one low level NPC.

I ran towards the dragon. Partly to gain the experience needed, but also to not avoid this chance.

Wearing no armor and using an unfamiliar one-handed weapon. Right.

I would point out that this is a very, very bad idea, but he’s a Stu so he’ll probably end up riding the dragon around like a show pony.

The Dothraki were stabbing at it as a horde. Their swords cut into the flesh, but then it was rejected and healing with the glowing light of restoration magic.

Because dragons can now cast healing magic on themselves. Because reasons.

I was weak.

Dragons would soon be plentiful.

The fic makes it sound as if you can’t walk ten feet without tripping over a dragon fossil just waiting for his presence to bring it back to life, which really shouldn’t be the case.

Let the Dothraki whittle it’s health down, and I would Deal the finishing blow.

If you’re trying to gain a dragon soul – or souls, I guess – I don’t think that’s really necessary, as long as you are close enough to absorb its soul when it dies.

The dragon was rampaging. Snatching up people and horses alike indiscriminately. I ran through camp, Dothraki not paying me a lick of attention as they were battling the dragon.

I looked at it.

… Don’t you frickin’ tell me the frickin’ thing has a frickin’ health bar.

Wild dragon

It’s health bar was low.

:eye-twitch:

One good killing blow was all that was needed.

Even though there’s a horde of Dothraki repeatedly stabbing it?

Anything not done by me would kill it temporarily, only for it to come back to life minutes later with a fully ranked up health bar.

That’s not right. According to the omnipotent screen, unless the Dragonborn absorbs a dragon’s soul it will respawn.  It never said he had to be the one to strike the killing blow.

The dragon roared again, sweeping its head in a sidewinding fashion breathing flame everywhere. The surrounding Dothraki died.

I ran toward the flame, with my health full I could tolerate a few seconds of it before it damaged me. I slid on the ground, aiming for the space underneath it’s head.

Probably, but presumably ‘losing health’ would result in injuries of some sort; with as much health as Nameless has, he could get very badly managed before he sustained lethal wounds.

That’s a happy thought. It makes me smile.

And when the dragon stopped, I stabbed up with all my might, piercing through its soft chin, through the brain, and piercing the skull.

The dragon died.

That has to be one of the most anticlimactic fights I’ve seen in a good long while.

It screeched the whole time, thrashing indiscriminately. Then it’s body got consumed in a golden flame.

The flame rose higher into the air, before being funneled towards my mouth. I absorbed it, like water going down the drain the dragons life force was absorbed into me. And made me stronger for it.

A torrent of golden energy was poured into Nameless’ mouth and it made him feel better.

I chose not to comment on that.

Level up!

Level up!

Level up!

Level up!

Level 11

Current Exp 50/11,000

Dragons killed: 1

Dragon Souls: 3

Character presets active: 2/100

ONE FRICKIN’ DRAGON MADE HIM LEVEL UP FOUR TIMES!?!?!

Something tells me that among Nameless’ many mods is at least one that gives out stupidly high amounts of EP. Hell, he could probably pick his nose and level up again.

The sound of fire and crackling logs was all that filled the air. It was silent.

Silent except for the sound of burning.

And then Daenerys walked over, through the carnage of smouldering body’s, and small grass bushfires.

“Who are you really?” She asked.

What, you’ve never seen a guy stab a dragon in the brain and get a golden shower down his throat?

I took a moment, and went into the Character Creation Screen. Having hit level 11 I was able to activate Chimera mode.

Shit-biscuits.

I could use this chance to run away, turn into anybody else and be safe for a while.

Which would be the logical and sane course of action, so you’re probably not going to do it.

Or I could become a demigod.

As if you’re not already?

Character Creation Screen

He’s going to use the Chimera mode and turn into a troll-faced wolf-spider or something equally implausible, isn’t he?

Race: Chimera (Argonian/ Dragon)

:sighs:

I hate being right.

This combination combines the best of both Dragons and Argonians to become a bipedal humanoid Dragon.

Wings are toggleable and will let you fly

Fingers have to option to have claws at will

Can breathe underwater

Except for the wings, that kind of describes Argonians already. That’s a lot more restrained than I … Oh, wait; there’s more.

Immune to fire and heat

Teeth can shift from omnivore to carnivore mode

Skin can shift from scales to bone armor

And now we’ve gone off the reservation.

Finalize?

Oh yeah.

Not even a question.

:raises hand:

I have questions. Many, many questions. Most are some variant of “What the hell, dude?”

This hybrid looked too cool to pass up.

Since the previous description was just a comparison with a famous person, I predict this is going to be a “Like A, only B” description. This hybrid form probably looks exactly like a stock Argonian only with spinning rims and a rad new paint job, or whatever.

The basic body of a argonian, but with more spikes. Prominent elbow, knee, shoulder, and head spikes. Literally looked like someone took a dragon and made it humanoid in a dark red and black color scheme.

Four fingered hands, three retractable clawed talon like fingers and a thumb.

Recessed nostrils, extra lung capacity, and a neck that had a few more vertebrae for being able to look around in the air.

Wings that had additional spikes in a miniature grasping bar like hands, those could shoot magic spells while I flew into battle duel wielding swords.

Eyes that could see in the dark and had a extra internal eyelid.

Looking like this would be nothing but pure intimidation.

Sure, why not. I have so lost any capacity to give any damns by this point.

And if things went sour, I could fly away.

As if things ever go wrong for a Stu.

“You asked me who I was Daenerys Targaryen, first of her name, and the Mother of Dragons.” I said while mentally agreeing to the Character preset.

Wait a second. If the Character Creation screen is still active then Nameless should be frozen in time with the world moving very slowly around him. He shouldn’t be able to interact with anyone. If he wanted to do a big dramatic reveal he should have spoken to Dany, stared vacantly into space for a few seconds while everyone questioned his sanity, and then done whatever melodramatic nonsense he’s going to trigger now.

My body erupted in golden flames while I transformed into the Dragonoid. Cracks and pops filled the air as joints rearranged themselves and bones broke.

Apparently the Character Creation screen knows when it needs to add in some dramatic flair and not just instantly change Nameless’ physical appearance like it did before.

Seconds later I spread my new winds dispersing the flames of regeneration, sunlight filtering through the leathery skin behind me.

LOOK HOW COOL I AM! ARE YOU IMPRESSED YET?!?

I opened my new draconian eyes dramatically, glowing in a golden light with a single terrifying slit. Dual eyes of Sauron shone with a halo of sunlight behind me.

I shared this bit with the other Librarians in the Secret Clubhouse because I thought that the narration was describing Nameless’ wings as being the Eye of Sauron, but it is also possible that his eyes combined into one and are supposed to resemble the Eye of Sauron. It’s not very clear.

“I am the Dragonborn. You could call me…. the father of Dragons.

Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

Authors note:

Of course there’s an Author’s Note.

This idea just wouldn’t leave my head. I’m not going to be focusing so much on this story as I am with Theory Of The Big Bang, But I had to get it written out to clear up the brain space.

Might have been a good idea to let it go. Just saying.

I do have to wonder if the author actually has created a character similar to this tarted-up Argonian using mods; it is likely possible to do so at least cosmetically, although that whole “automatically adding previously held items to the inventory regardless of distance” bit probably wouldn’t work out too well.

Let me know how you feel about it.

It’s like watching a special little snowball rolling down the Stue Hill, growing in size until it slams full-tilt into the audience’s faces.

I’ve read a lot of Gamer/Game of Throne fics but haven’t ran into a Skyrim crossover yet.

Really? I’ve seen quite a few – several even have a similar video game theme. I assume this is because Skyrim is a game and there have been several GoT games since the TV series began, but also because reasons.


100 Comments on “2355: Game of Thrones and Dragons – Chapter 1”

  1. Anne Eyewitness says:

    …but what kind of mods?

    Female armour mods that don’t look like bikinis?

    Haha, just kidding, those don’t exist.

  2. BatJamags says:

    *Ding*

  3. Anne Eyewitness says:

    Time to see what else this version of Gamer powers had.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Game of Thrones and Dragons

    Why yes, Game of Thrones does indeed have dragons in it! How nice that you noticed, author!

  5. BatJamags says:

    The version of Skyrim I was getting ready to run had over 209 confirmed mods. Double jump just for me, better giants, overhauled combat systems, dozens of tweaks and overhauls to various systems. Different elementals including air, earth, and metal. Hotspot toggle buttons where I could equip entire outfits and magic presents using the number keypads. Unlimited number of summons, multiple dragon souls gained when absorbing a dragon’s life force, seconds long cooldown for dragon Shouts, top of class graduation in the Navy Seals, secret raids on Al-Quaeda, gorilla warfare, and I’m the top sniper in the entire Imperial armed forces. Dragons are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe them the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. They think they can get away with saying that shit to me over the, uh, land? Think again, fuckers. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across Westeros and your lair is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggots. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little things you call your lives. You’re fucking dead, kids. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare user interface. Not only have I installed extensive training in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the, uh, whoever has lots of weapons in Game of Thrones, and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable asses off the face of the continent, you little shits. If only the inexplicable prankster gods could have known what unholy retribution this little “prank” was about to bring down upon you, maybe they wouldn’t have turned me into a massive Gary Stu. But they couldn’t, they didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiots. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddos.

    • GhostCat says:

      You forgot the part where they’re the master of all martial arts, the top street fighter in the world, and also know kickboxing.

    • BatJamags says:

      This could work. One of the mods I had running was extra health, magic, and stamina that would grow exponentially as I leveled up. Everything was three times higher than the norm. I started with a extra 900 stamina/health/mana. And everything regenerated. Slow now, but the rate would eventually pick up. Auto regen would probably save my life in battle.

      Alright, alright! Enough!

      Honestly I had so many mods running, I’d need to sit and look through the list soon.

      STAAAAHP

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Did I fall asleep gaming?

    Must’ve been some exciting mods.

  7. BatJamags says:

    I’m going to stop mentioning when there are line-breaks because there are so many. Just assume there are lots of them.

    GoodJamags: Boo! *Throws tomato*

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Substitute Dothraki for Imperial, and the arid semi desert plain setting for cold northern forests and I’d be in Skyrim.

    So why is everyone still wearing cold-weather-appropriate clothes?

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    The divine from Skyrim have decided to fuck with the gods of Westeros and thrown you into this world.

    That still doesn’t explain how they got you out of IRL.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Damn you.” The horse thief said suddenly to the assassin.

    There’s too much confusion?

    I can’t get no relief?

  11. Zues Killer Productions says:

    Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another single chapter and possible oneshot from the Skyrim/GoT crossover section! The fic is only a few months old and hasn’t had any updates, but is described as a “power wank fic” in the author’s bio, so they may add to it when they feel like stroking their SI some more.

    It … It gets bad. Really bad. You should go get a headdesking pillow now to avoid the line.

    Nice to know in advance.

    *puts on RECRUIT Armor*

    Now to read (and occasionally comment).

    • Zues Killer Productions says:

      Unlimited number of summons, multiple dragon souls gained when absorbing a dragon’s life force, seconds long cooldown for dragon Shouts—

      :headdesk:

      Ow!

      I’d rather play Halo 5’s Campaign again.

    • Zues Killer Productions says:

      I started with a extra 900 stamina/health/mana.

      Excuse me, are you trying to RP as a Spartan, or are you too lazy to actually apply skills to Skyrim?

      • GhostCat says:

        Probably the second one, which considering how easy it is to exploit even the vanilla version of Skyrim and turn yourself into an unstoppable juggernaut is really saying something.

    • Zues Killer Productions says:

      One thing for sure I had running was every dragon soul I absorbed, I got it threefold. Killing one dragon would give me three souls, three tries to continue staying alive.

      :headdesk:

      And on that note, I think I found a better punching bag than Iago Vizsla.

    • Zues Killer Productions says:

      Character Creation Screen

      Son of a bitch!

      *headesk*

      And it SOMEHOW keeps getting worse…longer than Mandalorian Effect.

      Jesus, And here I thought it would be HARD to top Iago, and now I’m eating my fucking words.

      They taste salty.

    • Zues Killer Productions says:

      Literally hundreds. I could change my eyes in anyway I wanted to, including anime eye colors like Orochimaru’s gold or goat and fox eyes with bizarre pupils.

      The shape of my hands, how long my fingernails could be, how much and where exactly the body hair would go. Scars, tattoos, disfigurements.

      Even 30 or so sliders for my sexual organs.

      I’m sorry, the fuck did you just say?

  12. Zues Killer Productions says:

    That probably describes every PC version of Skyrim – Why run vanilla when the Nexus is a thing that exists? – but what kind of mods? There’s a lot of weird stuff under that umbrella. Are we talking “Every dragon is now Thomas the Dank Engine” and there’s tits on the side of the Blue Palace or do you have so many ENBs and graphical enhancements running you have to keep a fire extinguisher trained on your GPU at all times?

    If there isn’t a cameo by Videogamedunkey, I will be disappoint.

  13. BatJamags says:

    And I had no backup chances.

    Kid, with as many hit points as you’ve got, I’d like to see them try to cut your head off.

    I mean, I’d like to see that anyway, but the point is: how the hell is that axe going to even scratch you?

    • GhostCat says:

      Fun fact – thanks to Skyrim’s wonky mechanics it is actually possible to decapitate someone and not kill them. The situation has to be just right, but it can happen. You get the cool animation and everything, but if the crit strike isn’t enough to drain all the NPC’s health they will still be able to run around and attack you.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    The version of Skyrim I was getting ready to run had over 209 mods.

    But not, of course, ‘approximately 210’. Important distinction.

  15. Zues Killer Productions says:

    The version of Skyrim I was getting ready to run had over 209 mods.

    AT ONCE?!

    Who does that?!

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    All the mods you had running were included.

    All the mods he included were included?

    [BLARING ALARM BLARES]

    Oh, bother.

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    One thing for sure I had running was every dragon soul I absorbed, I got it threefold. Killing one dragon would give me three souls, three tries to continue staying alive.

    :headdesk:

    While I’m sure there are mods for that, it is such utter bullshit. It makes no sense – how or why would a dragon even have three souls? And why would you ever need that many?

    All of the dragons are suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder?

  18. AdmiralSakai says:

    Mana: 1,400

    Magicka.

    It’s called “Magicka”.

    Unless he has a mod that changes the name for some reason.

    I’m sure it exists.

    • Zues Killer Productions says:

      If the twist isn’t him turning out to be a Puella Magi slowly turning into a witch, I will be disappoint.

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    The Dothraki were terrifying.

    Terrifying how, exactly? Were they all dressed in Slenderman costumes?

  20. AdmiralSakai says:

    The wagon stopped and the Dothraki turned and yelled at us. Another horde member came over and jerked the rope tying us all together.

    “No please!” The horse thief cried. “You don’t have to do this!”

    Anything but…… JERKING!”

  21. AdmiralSakai says:

    Shouts and shrieks of the rolled up horde was rising and climbing in the air around us.

    Oh they was, was they?

  22. AdmiralSakai says:

    I’d never seen someone die two meters from my face.

    “People die three meters from me all the time, though. That’s old news.”

  23. AdmiralSakai says:

    Out of the edges of camp came tumbling a glowing half formed dragon skeleton.

    Glow-ing half-formed skel-e-tons send shivers down your spine…♫

  24. AdmiralSakai says:

    It barreled over horses, gnashing it’s teeth, trying to eat them up.

    The dragon was trying to eat its teeth?

    • GhostCat says:

      Hey, cut the dragon some slack. If you were chillin’ in a stone wall, just being a fossil, and suddenly got yanked into a badfic your coordination would be a little off, too.

  25. AdmiralSakai says:

    And this time it breathed out Dragon fire.

    Instead of breathing out Dragon spaghetti like all the other dragons do.

    Or all of those dragons who breathe out catfish fire.

  26. AdmiralSakai says:

    The Dothraki I was fighting looked at the scene in horror. Many fine stallions and mares were being slaughtered.

  27. AdmiralSakai says:

    The basic body of a argonian, but with more spikes. Prominent elbow, knee, shoulder, and head spikes. Literally looked like someone took a dragon and made it humanoid in a dark red and black color scheme.

    Four fingered hands, three retractable clawed talon like fingers and a thumb.

    Recessed nostrils, extra lung capacity, and a neck that had a few more vertebrae for being able to look around in the air.

    Wings that had additional spikes in a miniature grasping bar like hands, those could shoot magic spells while I flew into battle duel wielding swords.

    Eyes that could see in the dark and had a extra internal eyelid.

    Looking like this would be nothing but pure intimidation.

    At least once he gets done flopping around on the ground like an idiot as he tries to learn how to move all of these new body parts.

    • Tie Dye Mage says:

      Not to mention a certain “limb” that might flop around a lot and get in the way depending on how big he makes it. ;)

  28. AdmiralSakai says:

    I opened my new draconian eyes dramatically, glowing in a golden light with a single terrifying slit.

    There’s only a single slit between both eyes?

  29. AdmiralSakai says:

    My body erupted in golden flames while I transformed into the Dragonoid

    Weren’t those the bad guys in Dragonlance?

  30. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I am the Dragonborn. You could call me…. the father of Dragons.

    Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

    Does that mean he expects to bang Danerys?

    And does this also make him the dragons’ master?

    • eatpraylove says:

      *Daenerys. Also he’ll have to fight Drogo first.

      Also also, to the best of my knowledge, being born with a dragon’s soul doesn’t make you non-metaphorical “kin” to real dragons like Paarthunax.

  31. BatJamags says:

    With the character creation screen up, time had froze. Well not froze per day, just greatly, greatly slowed down. Everything went Grey- but I could see time was moving by looking at the fresh flies that were starting to be interested in the recently headless corpses around me.

    Flies – well known for having super-speed.

  32. BatJamags says:

    The Daedra probably thought it was funny to give me testicles the size of large ripe plums, and a cock that was over one third of a meter in length.

    Yes, I’m sure the Daedra thought it was funny, and not the author trying to compensate for anything.

    • Zues Killer Productions says:

      I saw an r/ask reddit video on this sort of thing, and from what I’ve gathered, if the member is large, it leads to…uncomfortable situations.

      Makes sense to me, but I doubt people actually care when writing fantasy BS.

      • GhostCat says:

        It’s probably along the lines of the stereotypical small-framed woman with massively oversized anime boobs; realistically those pudding-bags are going to cause the poor woman all sorts of health problems.

  33. Zues Killer Productions says:

    Maximum number of windows: 3

    Maximum distance for window: 1 meters

    Maximum size: 1 meters

    Plus one meter tied to every five levels gained

    Zues: *rampages in the distance screaming “This is fucking BULLSHIT!” Repeatedly*

    Galahaut: Huh. Never know you could club a table like that.

  34. Anne Eyewitness says:

    Instead of breathing out Dragon spaghetti like all the other dragons do.

  35. BatJamags says:

    Auto translate on

    Spend enough time around a language and be fluent in it

    Current languages:

    English

    Dothraki

    Hang on, is this a mod that would be at all important or useful in the original game? Do you regularly run into linguistic translation challenges?

  36. Zues Killer Productions says:

    No thermal vision though.

    How quaint, he’s complaining about shit he doesn’t have.

    What’s next: he seduced Danerys?

    • BatJamags says:

      Given the direction the fic is going and the last line, I’m guessing that’s gonna end up being a yes.

      • Zues Killer Productions says:

        “I am the Dragonborn. You could call me…. the father of Dragons.

        Danareys: Sorry, I’m into incest. Also, you threatened to kill my Kin, so…

        *torches half of Skyrim*

  37. BatJamags says:

    Race: Chimera (Argonian/ Dragon)

    This combination combines the best of both Dragons and Argonians to become a bipedal humanoid Dragon.

    Wings are toggleable and will let you fly

    Fingers have to option to have claws at will

    Can breathe underwater

    Immune to fire and heat

    Teeth can shift from omnivore to carnivore mode

    Skin can shift from scales to bone armor

    Again, this all seems way too specific to be a real mod.

    Like, this premise could actually be kind of interesting if the mods were more restrained and geared towards just shaking things up rather than making the main character overpowered, but this guy’s just using it as a vague handwave for giving himself any damn superpower he wants.

    • Zues Killer Productions says:

      See my rant below for another take on this.

    • GhostCat says:

      Individually, most of the traits are possible. Argonians already have some of the traits, like being able to breathe underwater and having claws, and there are numerous mods to give characters’ wings and flight capabilities. With the right enchantments or potions (and/or massive amounts of health) you can be largely immune to all damage including fire. The teeth-shifting ability doesn’t really make sense to me, though, unless the author is a fan of Toothless from HttYD and the idea that scales can turn into bone is just wrong. Scales and bones are not made of the same materials nor are they produced in the same way.

      • BatJamags says:

        Yeah, but having this general shapeshifting mix-n-match mod that’s able to create something that synergizes like this? Because presumably this is one of many options.

        I’m not saying it couldn’t be done, but it would be a hell of a project.

        • GhostCat says:

          Since the author seems dead set on having his SI be this super dragon/Argonian/Sauron thing it would be so much easier if he had just said he had installed a custom race mod for the dragonoid hybrid as there are loads of custom races mods out there. But a mod where the player can construct their own avatar in-game at any time out of parts from every single creature in the game sounds incredibly complicated. The mod creator would have to isolate the scripts for each individual component of each creature and make sure they would not only mesh with each other in all conceivable combinations but actually function properly and be able to interact with everything else without glitching out the entire game or causing SSE to implode.

        • crazyminh says:

          well…there’s a mod for Fallout 4 that allows you to make your own guns out of basically every part you could possibly use…and there’s very few combinations that a) look nice and b) do so without having meshing problems (i.e. handles ending up inside the receiver, scopes floating above the actual gun, pistols with ridiculously long sniper barrels that also have floating rails at the bottom, ect).

          Although, the mod is VERY broken, as it technically allows a 10mm pistol that fires Liberty Prime’s laser; miniguns that fire mini-nukes; or other hideously broken or OP stuff. By far the worst offender is the mininukegun, although the scarcity of the ammunition means its usefulness is limited. By comparison, the libertyprimepistol simply uses the standard energy cells.

          The mod also allows you to add mods, so technically you can also have a mini-nuke-minigun that fires mini nukes that also cause enemies to turn into puddles of plasma, or cause more critical damage, or any one of a number of other mods. Then there’s the bit where you can change the skin to something else, so hello solid-gold mini-nuke miniguns with a super rare prefix modifier and a super rare suffix modifier!!!

        • GhostCat says:

          I imagine a character creation mod like the fic describes would be even more broken, since being able to make a wolf-headed frost troll with butterfly wings and Seeker tentacles is one thing but getting it to move and run and fight in a way that doesn’t make your eyeballs bleed is another.

        • AdmiralSakai says:

          I am pretty sure this character does indeed move and fight in a way that makes our eyeballs bleed.

        • GhostCat says:

          Can it still be called ‘fighting’ if they one-shot everything?

  38. BatJamags says:

    in a dark red and black color scheme.

    Ow, he’s even got the red’n’black thing going. I’m not sure it’s physically possible to be more of a tryhard than this dude.

  39. Zues Killer Productions says:

    Level up!

    Level up!

    Level 7

    Current Exp 130/7,000

    Meanwhile, Vamp!Marty is complaining about all the imitators out there copying him.

  40. Zues Killer Productions says:

    You know what the worse part of this whole train wreck is? A fanfic of a modded game could work.

    As an example-XCOM 2 on Steam has a number of mods ranging from buffs and nerfs, changes to coding, shit that wouldn’t make it past play testing (Remote Starting Purifyers), and added cosmetic and class options for both you and ADVENT.

    I’ve seen thematic campaigns of Stormtroopers taking on ADVENT…and later on, Rebels taking on the Empire. Hell, there are now evil counterparts to the resistance factions with thier own in-universe justifications for existing.

    There’s even a 40K mod that adds Black Templar’s as enemies…and it’s suprisingly balanced early game.

    But this jerkoff just wants to beat himself off because “I haz teh supa Powers’s, so suck my dick Denarys.”

    There is a compatible Enemies mod that features Puella fucking Magi, And it fucking works in universe.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna draft a strongly worded letter…

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Or, you know, you could just call it an AU.

      • BatJamags says:

        That’s basically what it would be, but I could see certain mods (like what ZKP mentioned) at least serving as the inspiration for an AU. Plus, if you really feel the urge to do a self-insert, the “modded game” explanation could be a decent in-universe justification for AU elements that would set it a little apart from other examples of the genre while providing a logical limit on the changes (namely, what would be practical to find in an actual mod).

        Or you could use it to turn your self-insert into a shapeshifting god-mode super dragon monster who can speak any language.

        You know, one of the two.

        • GhostCat says:

          It’s even theoretically possible to include some of the stranger mods into a written work without actually calling them mods or pointing them out as unusual; maybe not the one where the dragons are Thomas the Tank Engine, but I can picture a group of hunters on the tundra outside Whiterun looking for elk and finding a bunch of swearing mudcrabs around a pond and not finding it odd because that’s just how mudcrabs are in that world. A character brought into the world from the ‘real’ world would find it strange – that’s not how mudcrabs are supposed to act! – but the citizens would be like “Are you crazy? They’re always like that. It’s annoying as hell, too. One called my uncle a milk-drinking swine-fondler so he mounted its’ shell over his hearth.”

    • Zeus Killer Productions says:

      Update: Here’s the review now:

      I’m not gonna lie, it took me a while to actually write this down, and it’s because I had to calm myself down after reading this thing. This is a fic where a wannabie kid gets his powers for free via the power of modding, and probably would’ve had awesome sex with Daenerys with his big cock had the author bothered to continue the fic. Not to mention putting two distinct settings into a patchwork, butchering lore on both sides of the spectrum, just for a punchline. It’s bad. It’s explosively, Apocalyptically bad.

      And you should totally read it.

      No, really. I’m being serious. Where to start…

      The main setting is a modded to the brim Skyrim, which means that it’s vanilla Skyrim but with different skins, rather than something unique, and it SHOWS. Between the Dothraki waiting to kill a horse thief just to re-enact Skyrim’s opening, and the plot hole regarding dragon uniqueness between Daenerys and Alduin’s resurrection of dead dragons is left unanswered, it’s obvious that rather than try to figure out a way to make the two settings work, he just went “eh, it’ll do,” and promptly went with something that’d make diehard Skyrim fans who know GoT’s lore rip this to shreads.

      And the mods that are included only serve to make the author insert the best character in the story…and by that, I mean he’s a black hole Sue who makes Vampire Marty from the SUE Files look tame in comparison. Between the ability to chimera into different species (which would take a lot of time to code properly), a DONG the size of a football (which isn’t as good sounding as in real life), EXP Doubling (when in Skyrim, you can break the game normally anyways), and stats compatible with a Lv. 80 character at Level 5, he represents what not to do when writing a mod fic-turn yourself into a god via Deus Ex Modding. Granted, without the mods being involved, he’s still an unlikeble protagonist, what with tempting fate because it’s the game’s opening, and probably trying to seduce Daenerys, but he’s kinda irrelevant in that sense compared to the real star of the show-the mods.

      Now, I haven’t actually played Skyrim, but from what I’ve heard, it can be easy to break under normal circumstances if you know how the engine works. So, naturally, the author basically puts in mods to make him an Uber powerful character by the time the tutorial ends rather than actually earning it like normal people. This is an excellent example on how not to incorporate mods in a fanfic. A better example that I’ve heard is a mod in which mud crabs swear like a sailer. The SI would be bewildered, but the other characters would consider that normal.

      That’s one way to incorporate mods in a fic without blowing up suspension of disbelief. But this fic does a great job at showing how not to do it (seriously that is), that there’s another way-parody. Replace the Dragons with Thomas the Dank Engine.

      In short, this fic acts serious, but flails on its face with its failings in a way that’s enjoyable. And if you look closer, you might see lessons others could benefit from. It’s so bad, it’s good.

      What do you think?

  41. Tie Dye Mage says:

    You know how they say laughter is the best medicine? Well, I’m pretty sure this fic, with your commentary, added at least another year to my lifespan. So, many thanks for the free healthcare, GhostCat! :)

  42. SC says:

    Ghostie is a silly person who tried to steal Taco’s riff number. Sadly for her, I’m captain of the Silly Crime Division, and put a swift end to that.


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