2336: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Nineteen, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Welcome back to Wednesday!  As is tradition by now, I have more High School of Zelda for you all.  Crunchy, serve us up some hot recap action.

“The future is now, and also set in stone.  Or is it?  Wait, it definitely is.  Regardless, be mindful that evil is only easy to overcome when it wants you to win, or when it forgets to put on its jewelry before going out.  Evil is always most vulnerable when struck directly in the elegance.  Meanwhile, Link has become unstuck in time.”

Awesome!  Let’s see where this week takes us!  Spoiler: quite a bit of talking about the trial they just face-rolled.

Obi-Wan walked up next to Anakin shortly after the world had returned to focus. It seemed they were still trapped in an illusion, but Obi-Wan guessed that might be because either Link or Ashei had yet to break free of theirs.

So…

“Indeed.”

Illusions, right?

“Absolutely.”

He noticed that his padawan was shivering once he arrived, and it was not simply because he was cold.

“Anakin? Are you all right?”

Anakin turned on him, and it appeared as if the boy was seeing him for the first time, so it was a surprise to Obi-Wan when moments later he found himself being clung to by his terrified padawan.

“Yesssssssssss!”

Dude, this is Anakin, we already know he’s Darkside fodder.  You can’t really celebrate his fear too much.

“I… am not certain, Master,” Anakin muttered through a series of slow, deliberate breaths that Anakin appeared to be employing as a sort of method of calming himself, which made Obi-Wan realize the seriousness of the situation.

Holy. Shit.  Vikki, type it with me now: ‘Anakin said while taking a few calming breaths.’  You constantly complain about how long your chapters are, but they’d be less than half as long if you could knock it the hell off with the crazy ass-prose.

“I just… want to know if… you saw what I just did?”

“You dispatched the shade.”

Nerd got lamped hard, bruh.

“What, the creepy older version of you?”

Even in his snarkier moments, Obi-Wan doesn’t talk like that.

Anakin pulled away and frowned at him. “Master, I’m being serious.”

Obi-Wan sighed. “So am I. Forgive me, Anakin, I did not mean to be rude.” Anakin nodded, and he sighed, closing his eyes while massaging the bridge of his nose with both hands.

“But, you did see…?”

“Yes, I did.”

Silence.

When it appeared that Anakin wasn’t going to continue, Obi-Wan did so instead with, “In my vision, I saw older versions of ourselves fighting on a volcanic planet. I was the winner of the duel and I left that… version of you to die in the lava.”

“That should certainly make the rest of this conversation less awkward.”

Anakin grimaced. “That doesn’t sound fun…”

Fortunately we’ll have forgotten all about this by the time it happens.

Obi-Wan scoffed. “I doubt it was. However, I couldn’t bear to watch it any longer so I do not know whether you lived or died at all.”

Because Jedi are very adverse to knowledge which might be important to the future.

And again there was more silence;

“How many of those do you have?”

Nearly as many as Sakai has edge covers.

however this time Anakin seemed more inclined to share what he had seen.

“That vision you saw might very well be a vision of the future, Master,” Anakin said quietly.

That’s not sharing what he saw.

“Because when I asked who my attacker was before I knew him to be myself… he replied afterwards that he was my future as a Sith Lord of the Dark Side.” In a rare display of thought and pensiveness, Anakin stared out at the water for a long time before turning back to Obi-Wan.

“I do have to admit that ‘you are destined for the Dark Side’ is a fairly typical Sith opening line, even though it is true in this case.”

“Master, please promise me that you won’t let me become that man…”

Obi-Wan stared into the frightened eyes of his padawan and knew that there was nothing else that he could do but promise it. Force, please let him be allowed to keep that promise – he couldn’t handle it if he were to fail his padawan in that regard.

I’m torn between this being ham-handed foreshadowing of an outcome everyone is already aware of, or Vikki desperately hoping that she can will the movie canon to change.

“You are very good at coming up with no-win quandaries.  Have you ever considered a career in the Dark Side?”

Dude, you know as well as I do that I’m a Force insensitive schlub.

“True, but the Sith could always use a few project managers or support staff.”

“Of course I promise, Anakin.”

And then the fog around them cleared, allowing them to watch the end of Link’s duel with his shadow self.

“H-How… how did he do that?” Anakin gasped as the world around them dissipated into a simple room made of the same shimmering blue stone the rest of the temple had been made out of.

I believe he used the ancient art of STAB IT WITH THE POINTY THING!

Obi-Wan wasn’t sure. “I think something more than the Force was involved, but… I don’t know.” He glanced around the room.

“It is the basic authorial method.  Create an implausible event and then blame the Force or magic on it.”

“So the illusion was nothing more than that… how very odd,” he observed, making Anakin momentarily take note of it as well.

So the illusion that you knew was an illusion turned out to only be an illusion!?

“The irony.”

However, while his padawan was still focused on the true identity of the room, his gaze trailed towards their two companions still standing close to one another, lost in a world all their own.

“Will the real illusion room please stand up?”

He’d guessed at their feelings, and he doubted that they themselves understood anything about it, but as he’d mentioned to himself before, perhaps – for them – this was a more beneficial arrangement since they worked so well together.

‘Guessed their feelings?’  Buddy, this romance is less subtle than the Smut Sisterhood in the spring.

“Master?” Anakin asked, still clueless to what was happening between their companions, “Should we ask them if they want to continue, or…?”

Hmm. Perhaps the boy was more perceptive than he thought.

“I am not sure Obi-Wan understands what constitutes being perceptive.”

‘Hey, you two wanna keep making out or what!?  Getting kinda awkward over here!’

“Let us tarry a moment more, perhaps,” he muttered, which earned him an incredulous look from his padawan.

I think that incredulous look is for Obi-Wan actually using the word ‘tarry.’

“But, Master, I thought you said that attachments were… bad?” Obi-Wan scoffed lightly.

“Look, just because it is a core teaching of the Jedi that I believe in does not mean that I am immune to Suefluence!”

“It has been brought to my attention that perhaps certain attachments with certain people aren’t necessarily so.”

Because reasons.  But not just any reasons, compelling reasons.

At this, he shot a warning glare in Anakin’s direction. “However padawan, that does not mean I will let you go gallivanting about the galaxy with every pretty girl that pleases you, Jedi or otherwise. I made the mistake of that once.”

“You, Master?” Anakin asked skeptically. Obi-Wan sighed. “Yes. And I shall tell you about it another time. When we return to the Temple, perhaps.” That seemed to placate his curious padawan from further questions.

“Obi-Wan’s romantic involvement with Siri did not end particularly poorly.  They both agreed that it was a bad idea to become involved and moved on.”

I mean, she did die in the Clone Wars, but that wouldn’t be an issue quite yet.

Finally, when Ashei appeared to be stepping away from Link, Obi-Wan took it as his signal that it was time to move on.

Naturally standing there watching the two of them hug was not creepy at all.

.oOo.

*Crunchy arranges the tiara squarely atop his head*

Dude, tiaras are so last week.

When the blade had been pressed to her neck, she felt fear at first, and then sorrow for the devastated expression Link wore when he seemed to realize that there was nothing he could do.

You know what’s better than telling?  Telling after the fact!  Yes, distance your audience even further from any emotional impact of the scene by only writing in the character’s reaction after everything is completely resolved!

“Second only the the author’s note outlining the emotional state of all the characters during the preceding chapter.”

That one’s always a classic.

He even asked her if there was anything, anything at all, but her lack of response seemed to do it for him.

“There is a floor, some walls, clothing, lots of things all told.”

Not to mention two creepers staring at you and lots of water.  I think you’ve got a solid case for an anything being present.

And then she felt nothing at all.

Good shot with the brick, Books, knocked her cold.

It was a strange bliss, just standing there waiting to die, but death seemed inevitable from the beginning, and it had only been a matter of time before her skills and luck abandoned her. So there she remained, quiet and calm.

“Abandons herself immediately to death at the first bad turn.  Quite the hero, if I may say.”

At least, that was how she remained until a whirling flash of magic and Force blasted her senses to appear behind her, and the sword at her throat fell away into nothingness.

Uh, wha?

“I believe that was Vikki trying to write in an interpretation of the previous scene where Link does not slice Ashei in half in order to get at his doppelganger.”

Huh, I wonder why she couldn’t have gone back a little and actually written the scene properly, then.  I lie, I know exactly why she didn’t go back and fix the scene.

A pair of strong, gloved hands grabbed her shoulders and turned her the opposite direction, only to bring her close before she even had time to realize that she was safe.

“Nothing says romance like whiplash.”

Link. Link was holding her in his arms, and he was holding her as though it was the last time he would ever do so.

“Does this imply they will go back to giggling every time they so much as brush by each other?”

Oof, not a great sign.

Was that… his lips brushing against her neck? She shuddered beneath his touch, her senses still rattled from her brush with death.

Goddesses, he really needed to stop doing that! It was driving her insane!

“Nothing gets a gal going like a close brush with death!”

Go away.

Her own hands began to have a life of their own now, and they snaked their way around his armor to worm their way into his dripping wet hair. Without thinking, she dried his hair with the same spell she’d used the other night, and the energy it used made her body tingle in places that she didn’t even know could tingle…

“Oh, and a drying spell, too!  They’re basically done with the foreplay at this point!  Time for the throw down.”

*Taco sighs*  Do you need some time alone with the fic?

“Nah, I wouldn’t be bothering you if I was by myself.”

Go bother Bookie or something.  The tender rubbing on each other scene is coming to an end anyway.

“‘Kay.”

*Swenia flounces out*

“Goddesses,” Link whispered, his hot breath ghosting the hairs of her neck, “I thought you were going to die…” She felt his eyelashes brush against the tender part of her cheek as he leaned back to whisper at her ear, and where his face pressed against hers Ashei could feel and smell the salty tang of tears.

It’s creepy that at this point Obi-Wan and Anakin are watching them and not like clearing their throats or something.

“So did I,” she whispered in kind as Link pulled away just enough so that she could see his eyes, once again made all the more vibrant for their tears.

“Ah yes, the vibrant clarity of red eyes and a running nose.”

“Ashei?” he asked quietly, “What is this… thing between us? I must know.

“Presumably several layers of clothing, some armor, and a baldric.”

Earlier I thought it to be affection, however… my reactions at even the possibility of your death have driven me to this, and I suspect that what I feel now is stronger than that.”

Hello, fellow human.  I am experiencing error:feeling.db(ref)=null.  Please access my console to input feeling variable as we humans do.

Ashei’s lips trembled, and yet she noticed that his gaze was focused on her eyes and not her lips. There was yet another reminder that Link had no idea what he was doing, but as Link had pointed out, their feelings for each other had now gone past the point of affection.

Which, as I remind everyone, is definitely not creepy when one of them is mentally a ten-year-old.

“I wish I had a word to put to it,” Ashei said truthfully, “but I suppose I cannot ignore this any longer.” Her face became slightly pained, and immediately Link began worrying at her by automatically stroking her face, a gesture that surprised even him once he realized it.

“I take it this is what mammals find sensual?”

I’m sure some do, but I can’t say I’m really into somebody worrying at my face.

“Perhaps, then… we should speak later?” he offered. “There is still the rest of the temple yet to cover.” Ashei nodded in agreement and stepped away.

Not to mention there’s two weirdos staring at us.

“Yes, I think that would be best.” She presented him with a tender smile, and that, in return, seemed to lift both their spirits as Anakin and Obi-Wan approached the two of them.

*Crunchy flails at the fic with the smile-swatter*

Dude, that isn’t the ambulatory smile, that’s the gifted smile.  Totally different things.

“So,” began Anakin in his usual casual tone, “that was some test, huh?”

Link frowned. “I think it might have been the creature of the temple playing tricks on our minds, but perhaps not. There were other forces at work here.”

“In conclusion: it could have been anything at all.”

Glad we narrowed that down.

Ashei nodded. “Regardless of what happened here now, though, we’ve still got ground to cover since we haven’t even found the big key yet. Why don’t we head on through the next door and start doing that?”

It wasn’t that hard for everyone to agree.

Oh, right, we’re in the second half of the chapter.  The acceleration is starting to kick in.

The room containing the temple’s treasure had a similar opening in the back to act as a kind of door to the next area.

Quiz for the patrons: what might one call an opening that serves the same purpose as a door?

However in the center of the room stood a tall platform with a fine cloth draped over it. Ashei removed the cloth for Link and pocketed it for later examination, revealing a brilliantly shining chain curled next to a scroll with more spindly Zora writings.

Why do all these items suddenly come with instruction manuals?  What do you think manuals add to the Ocarina of Time canon?

“You may have missed it, but that was a very well executed yoink of that cloth.”

“For those who desire to enter the bathing chamber on the third level,” Link read, “use this chain.

“Why would the Zora need a bathing chamber?”

It is made of white gold, and shall not tarnish due to exposure to water or shatter under heavy weight.

Uh, Vikki, you may want to take a few science classes.  White gold is not necessarily the worst material you could use for this, but is way toward the bottom for a multitude of reasons.  To pick two of the most pertinent off the top of my head: gold is extremely dense so this ‘chain’ would probably weigh at least a few dozen pounds and gold is very soft and ductile and would quickly stretch/deform when loaded.  Overcoming the softness issue is possible, but makes it unreasonably expensive.  You know, even more so than the gold already would be.

If only there were some other options you could have used here.  If only.

It may also be used in conjunction with a Hookshot, at which point it shall become a Longshot.”

“It strikes me that this bathing chamber is extremely inconvenient to get to.”

Helps keep the rabble out, I bet.

Link grinned, and Ashei smiled softly as she watched his face light up with pure joy. “Now I have a chain that won’t tarnish when exposed to water! This is great!”

He quickly emptied his Hookshot of its rust bitten chain, reloading it with the new one of stronger white gold.

For reference, the yield strength of the strongest white gold I could find (gold mixed with Palladium) is roughly the same as carbon steel, but at a little over twice the density.  It would also cost nearly two-thousand times as much to make the chain from that material as compared to steel.  On the other hand, a chain made from aviation grade titanium alloy would be over three times as strong as steel, weigh half as much, and cost only five or ten times as much as a high carbon steel.

“Or they could cast some water-repellent magic on regular iron.”

You make a valid point.

“So what do we do with the old chain?” Anakin asked. Ashei took it from Link and pocketed it as well.

“I can find someone in Kakariko who might buy it as scrap metal in exchange for a little money.

But, more importantly, who gives a fuck!?

“The salvage industry might seem like a joke to you, Taco, but some of us take reclamation very seriously.”

Even rusty chains like this will fetch a decent price these days for someone who needs to transport goods. Oil is easy to come by, so the rust could be managed, but metal itself – even rusty metal – is a rare commodity since Ganondorf has been monopolizing on the metal trades for years.” Link nodded slowly as she’d been speaking.

“It makes sense. Well, it’s good that we found this, since we’re running low on spare rupees…”

“See? Vikki understands that metal recycling is a critical source of construction materials and it provides a positive monetary benefit for both consumers and industrial supply chains.”

Ashei couldn’t agree more, and once Link was finished, they continued through the gap in the floor to progress through the temple. They landed on a ledge of wooden planks that bordered a small river deep beneath the temple.

Oh right, dungeon crawling.  Vikki almost forget there was a Water Temple to finish.

“Is it too late to go back and spend some more time on Hyrule’s material scarcity issue?”

Yes.

“Those vortexes shouldn’t be here, I think…” Ashei murmured. “It wouldn’t be wise to get close to them.” Obi-Wan nodded. “So what should we do then? Just follow the river without using our Iron Bracelets and avoiding the vortexes?”

Link nodded as he studied the area around the vortexes.

“That would be best, seeing how steep it is next to the vortexes. Any one of us could fall and get trapped down there, maybe even die.” He got quiet after that, to which Ashei responded with a wordless touch on his left shoulder.

So it was decided they would swim, but avoid using their Iron Bracelets and swimming into the vortexes at all costs. This… was definitely easier said than done when all four of them were still exhausted from the earlier fights and the strain each of their trails had cost them. But, even after nearly drowning in one of the vortexes near a ledge, they all made it to a spot where they could plot their next move.

You can tell you’re in the second half of a Vikki chapter when the action sequences start looking like I’d already paraphrased them.

“Where are we, exactly?” Anakin asked quietly. “I mean this looks like where all the water from the lake could be going…”

Ashei frowned as Link poured over the map next to her.

“Please desist from dumping more water on the already sopping wet map.”

“That’s entirely possible. I get the feeling that those vortexes aren’t usually there on a daily basis. The creature in the temple is probably causing them as well.” She edged closer to Link so she could look at the map.

“See anything useful?” Link glanced in her direction and cleared his throat as he folded the map back up and stuffed into one of his pockets.

“Whether or not that thing made those vortexes isn’t something we can confirm, but I know for sure because that gate,” he pointed to the gold-plated one on the other side of another vortex, “leads to the room where Princess Ruto was taken.” He squinted. “It looks like I could use my Longshot to get over there quickly, but all of you…”

Hold up, how does Link know that’s where Ruto was taken?

“It is quite obvious. The map indicates that room as the boss chamber.”

I hate this fic so much.

Ashei sighed. “We’ll go swimming again. Just wait until we’re right next to the ledge before you hit the switch.” Link nodded as his companions slipped into the water and carefully worked their way around the vortex. Once they were close enough to the wall by the gate that they could get in quickly, he took his Longshot and an arrow in one hand and he held his bow in the other, shooting the eye target on the wall opposite him first, and then the chest on the other side of the gate second, quickly (though slightly clumsily) shifting between weapons and the hands holding them.

*SLAM* 

One-handed archery is definitely a thing! (or perhaps Link is Goro): 88

He did, however, manage to make it to the other side before the gate came crashing down again, which he was thankful for.

“I really ought to learn how to fight with both hands,” he mused, flexing his right hand as he studied it.

“You DO fight with both hands.  That is why you have a shield.”

Bows also use both hands.

Link is going to end up dual wielding something isn’t he?

“I find that extremely likely, yes.”

I guess we’re leaving no stupid trope unfulfilled with this fic.

“You know, just in case something happens to my left.” Ashei shrugged. “Or you could get it replaced with some mecha tech, depending on what happens to it.

*Crunchy bristles* “‘Mecha’ tech!?”

Down, boy.

Sometimes if you just get it cut off, they can reattach it and have a bunch of nanites that dissolve in plasma rework your nerve endings. I’ve never seen it done, but I’ve never heard of anyone dying from it either.”

For fuck’s sake, Vikki, stop derailing the damn plot just to bring up absolutely irrelevant bullshit every ten paragraphs!  Even if Link is going to lose an arm later, now is not the time for a clinical review of this world’s prosthetic and orthopedic surgery technologies!

I just, holy fuck, did you honestly not see how profoundly uninteresting your writing was when you slopped this out onto the page?  Were you truly delusional enough to think this was interesting or well placed?

Link frowned as he pocketed the small key that had been in the chest he’d used as a target. “Well, that’s comforting.”

Ashei laughed.

So with the small key in hand, the four of them made it back to the main room where the water level was still at its highest point.

“Where do we go from here?” Obi-Wan asked as they all stood upon the center platform while Link looked at the map again. Link hummed noncommittally.

*GONG* *SPLASH*

I mean, you were never going to avoid the water hazard in there.

BAA!

“Well, the path that leads to the last small key is on the second level. Problem being? I need to use my bow to hit the target to open the gate.”

Obi-Wan nodded, having recalled a path he’d seen with that description.

What description was that again?

“And I quote: ‘that leads to the last small key on the second level.’  You probably remember it from when it was not mentioned earlier in the chapter.”

Ah yes, I remember it well.

“So you’re going to go and lower the water level again?” Anakin asked Link. He nodded. “Yeah. It would be quicker if it was just me, and it won’t take me too long.” Ashei looked over at the water.

Anakin: You know, we could just swim down there and hit the target with a sword or rock or something.  We have three different breathing technologies, so it’s not like we could drown or anything.

“Guess that means we should just float in the water while we wait… I don’t fancy jumping down from that height, even if it is into the water raised to the second level.”

Anakin:  And we can’t just stay up here by the door while waiting for you.  Nope, gotta be the water.

Link seemed to agree.

“But did not actually agree since the entire premise is a study in mind-boggling idiocy.”

Then he left, leaving the three of them to slip into the water and wait for Link.

*Crunchy walks back into the riffing chamber with two steaming cups*

“Caramel cortadito dusted with powdered Plesiosaur.”  *Crunchy hands a cup over to Taco*

The shack’s new daily riff-themed drinks are pure genius.

Obi-Wan glanced in Ashei’s direction, debating with himself about whether or not he wanted to speak with her, but she appeared to be deep in thought, and so he decided to wait until they were out of the temple.

“Awkward silence it is, then.”

I’m kind of weird like that.  I end up walking in silence with a lot of people because I like it when it’s quiet and I only ever feel awkward when I realize that I should feel awkward but don’t.

After a period of waiting for the water to be lowered (and later for it to rise back to the second level), finally Link returned to them and quickly instructed them to get on the ledge just above the target he needed to shoot.

*SLAM* 

The thrilling waiting scene! (and the water goes up and down up and down up and down): 89

“And try not to get in the way of my path… I don’t want to hurt anyone or get my Longshot stuck in the bars if the gate comes down too quickly.” Obi-Wan nodded. “White gold or not, if it’s trapped, you can’t use it.” He glanced over at his padawan. “That means to not be in the way, Anakin…” Anakin, who had been staring after the hallway beyond the gate, was slightly startled by his master’s reminder.

Wait a damn minute!  So when Link said don’t be in the way, he meant they should not be in the way!?  Great Scott!  We solved the riddle!

“I know that, Master…” he muttered with his usual sarcasm, though it lacked its usual amount of bite to it.

“Ah yes, his usual tone of voice used in an unusual way.”

*Crunchy adds another entry on the list*

Again Link held his Longshot and an arrow in one hand and held the Fairy Bow in the other.

Which, coincidentally, is how you too can hurt yourself and damage your equipment at the same time.

Notching the arrow, he aimed for the eye target below the water, allowing the Bow’s energy to tune with his own before releasing the string. Then, by quickly reaching for the calm of the Force to slow down his heart rate and make his movements steadier, he switched to his right hand where he held the Longshot and fired at the target beyond the open door.

“Link ‘switched’ to his right hand from his… right hand?”

I think Vikki is desperately trying to figure out how to make the c-buttons work in the narrative.  And failing.  Hard.

Thankfully, no one was hit.

“This makes it seem that, despite his warning, the other three were all milling around in front of him directly in the way and he only just managed to miss them.”

With this group, it’s totally possible that they were.

“I noticed you dipped into the Force just then,” Obi-Wan observed, “was it to keep you calm?” Link nodded, surprised that the Jedi master had caught on.

*Crunchy growls* “The force is emphatically not a Jacuzzi.  One does not ‘dip’ into it!”

It’s more of a splash.

“I will choke you.”

“I’ve found that it helps me perform such tasks more efficiently,” he replied as he took Ashei’s offered hand to help him up, “when my heart rate is down and all sound drains away. The Force helps me focus on more important actions.”

Actions more important than your heart beating?  I guess different folk have different priorities.

Obi-Wan nodded. “It’s a pity you couldn’t be a Jedi. You might have been a great fighter for our cause.”  Link flashed a gentle grin. “Fighting for the peace of my own planet is hard enough, sir.” Obi-Wan found that he had to agree. “But one day I’d like you to meet some of the others. Master Yoda, in particular, would definitely like to meet you.”

“And be scared half-to-death at a Force user displaying such a wide array of ‘dangerous’ emotions and romantic attachment.”

Well, he said Yoda would want to meet Link, but not necessarily why Yoda would want that meeting.  Nipping a budding Sith before he comes into his own power would be pretty high on the priority chart.

“As it was with Anakin, yes?”

Fiiiiiiiine.

At that point he looked up and noticed that Anakin had disappeared.

“Where’s Anakin?”

He’s making a run for it!  Quick, bash him back into the fic!

“Gladly.”

Ashei pointed down to where the block at the end of the hallway was that he was pushing into a small niche that opened up two other hallways.

“Oh, he was just doing another of those pointless puzzles off page.”

Too bad it couldn’t have stayed there.

“See,” he said as he turned around, “I told you that we needed to put this here!”

Wait, he did?

*Crunchy and Taco read back up the page*

“Nope.”

Everyone blinked at him. Ashei pointed at the block, a skeptical expression on her face, as Anakin turned around the right fork of the split and muttered, “Isn’t that the block we pushed at the very beginning of the temple?”

“Is it?”

Hell if I know.  Nothing at all has been described in any useful detail so it could well be that block and five of the others for all we know.  Or care.

Obi-Wan hummed softly.

*GONG* *SPLASH*

I’m just kinda disappointed that they float.

BAAAAAA!

Well, they have to activate the bracelets for them to work, but we can try next time.

“Looks like it. It also looks like it would’ve caused us a lot of trouble if we hadn’t done that…”

Link chuckled. “Planning points for Anakin.” Obi-wan glanced at him.

“Don’t tell Anakin that.”

“My lips are sealed, sir.”

“Are we supposed to know what is going on, or is Vikki keeping secrets?”

And just like that, Anakin came back around the bend and held up something shiny in his right hand.

“Look, I found the key!”

“Have they used any of the keys they have picked up so far?”

Some of them.  I think.  The prose is playing pretty fast and lose with the keys, which is fine since you don’t actually need any keys if you know how to bottle-clip the boss door.

Anyway, at this point we enter an extended paraphrased dungeon crawling scene where they go to fetch the boss key.  This involves wandering around toward the north side of the temple, dodging past some enemies, and then getting past some spikes.  Speaking of those spikes:

Can we jump over those?” Anakin asked Obi-Wan. “We could, but we’d have to be careful. Link, I would suggest going first with the Longshot and then if we can’t use a force jump over the spikes, just toss it over.” Link nodded and did so, waiting for Obi-Wan to make the attempt.

*facepalm* *headdesk* *bodyfloor*

Vikki, let me bring up something you typed earlier:

Trying to carry anyone of you or tossing it back and forth could be potentially deadly.

Literally in the same chapter you said that tossing the hookshot could be potentially deadly!  Sure, it didn’t make any sense then, but at least try to be consistent with your bullshit!

“What if it looks like we’re not going to make it?” Anakin again.

Den you gon’ get spiked, bruh.

“I’ll just put up a shield and you’ll fall into the water,” Ashei replied.

“Which is a thing she can do now.”

Ah yes, the old Sue reliable of situationally-specific powers.

“Funny she did not create a shield around herself when she was held at sword-point.”

That wasn’t the right situation to trigger these powers.  Now if Dark Link had wielded a spike…

“But it doesn’t look like it shouldn’t work… the distance isn’t that far.”

“It cannot not work?”

It doesn’t look like it not working shouldn’t be the nonevent.

Obi-Wan shrugged and gave her a look. “Better safe than sorry, Ashei.”

“I know. I’m on it.”

She watched as Obi-Wan prepared a jump, and she began reaching out for the cool metal of the spikes, first laying it over with an invisible smoothing shield and broadening it out a bit until it became an invisible incline that would only make one slide back into the water if they hit it.   Satisfied with her work, she carefully held it there until Obi-Wan had completed his jump.

“I should be surprised that spike prophylaxis is a magical spell.  Sadly, I am not.”

The hazard of having done this for so long.

“Question though, why not make the slope on the other side of the spikes so they would slide toward their destination?”

Dude, this whole spike shield nonsense is going to be utterly pointless and unnecessary.  No need to overthink the suck.

“Is not ‘overthinking the suck’ part of our job?”

*Taco and Crunchy both turn expectantly toward the door*

Bookie must have roped her into sorting and labeling his reagent collection again.

Ashei had been right about the distance being fairly jumpable, but Obi-Wan had misjudged his momentum, and thus needed Link to catch him before he barreled into the wall beyond.

So instead of smashing into the wall, he smashed into Link and then smashed them both into the wall?

“It is unlikely that Vikki knew the specifics of momentum at the time of writing this.”

“Thanks Link,” he breathed. “No problem,” Link assured him.

“Now kiss.”

Dude, it’s yucky enough when he and Ashei are macking on each other, let’s not add Obi-Wan to that equation.

Obi-Wan looked up. “You next, Anakin.”

Anakin, feeling fairly confident he could do it once he’d seen Obi-Wan do it, readied himself for his own jump, though his overconfidence also made him misjudge his jump so that he didn’t have enough momentum… resulting in a very irritable, soaked Anakin after he climbed back up onto the platform.

“It strikes me that these two are very poor Jedi indeed if a simple Force-assisted jump is proving to be so troublesome.”

Especially since they did it trouble-free with moving platforms not half-a-chapter earlier.

“Damn this stupid water…” he muttered.

Something that shouldn’t bother him at all after spending [error: no setting] hours jumping in and out of the water.

“Didn’t you say you weren’t going to complain anymore?” Ashei commented, to which Anakin gave her a look. She held up her hands. “Hey, just saying.”

“In fact he said he would try not to complain ‘as much,’ which implies that there would still be considerable, albiet reduced, griping.”

“We’ll be out soon enough, Anakin,” Obi-Wan said on the other side. “Just do it again with more momentum this time.

So either do it faster or… heavier.

And stop trying to antagonize him, Ashei.”

“Is having no personality or a needlessly spiky personality considered the worse option?”

Speaking of those no-win scenarios.

She nodded, serious and somber once again, and Anakin repeated his jump, clearing the spikes this time, with Ashei following him up.

“I see that the Sue was not so encumbered with a botched or nearly botched jump.”

Can’t have her look bad, you know.

After she dismissed her shield, they entered the next room.

“A power never to be seen again.”

And as she dismisses her shield, so to are we going to dismiss you all for another week.

“That was a fairly tenuous link.”

Hey, I work with what I get.  Until next week, patrons!

I suppose we should check on Swenia and make sure she hasn’t gotten herself in too deep.  Again.

“If we must.  Perhaps we should finish our drinks first, though.”

Indeed.

*Taco and Crunchy pick up their cups and take a couple of dainty sips*

Sure is a loooot left in these.

“Yes.  These might take some time to get through.”


28 Comments on “2336: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Nineteen, Part Three”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    “What, the creepy older version of you?”

    That makes it sound like Anakin is destined to drive a white van near the middle school.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Master, please promise me that you won’t let me become that man…”

    “I don’t mind if I turn into a different sith lord, I just don’t want to be Darth Vader specifically.”

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “You are very good at coming up with no-win quandaries. Have you ever considered a career in the Dark Side?”

    Dude, you know as well as I do that I’m a Force insensitive schlub.

    “True, but the Sith could always use a few project managers or support staff.”

    I would read the fuck out of a fanfic with that premise.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Facility Wars: Support Staff Strikes Back

      The first twenty minutes are dedicated to the importance of making sure the Death Star’s duct work is up to code but their management putting unreasonable deadlines on the work.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Obi-Wan’s romantic involvement with Siri did not end particularly poorly. They both agreed that it was a bad idea to become involved and moved on.”

    I’m sure there is fanfiction of it.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    At least, that was how she remained until a whirling flash of magic and Force blasted her senses to appear behind her, and the sword at her throat fell away into nothingness.

    Oh God, Dark Link got vagued to death! What a way to go.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Goddesses,” Link whispered, his hot breath ghosting the hairs of her neck

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Ashei?” he asked quietly, “What is this… thing between us? I must know.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Even rusty chains like this will fetch a decent price these days for someone who needs to transport goods. Oil is easy to come by, so the rust could be managed, but metal itself – even rusty metal – is a rare commodity since Ganondorf has been monopolizing on the metal trades for years.” Link nodded slowly as she’d been speaking.

    Goddammit, why aren’t we reading more about this?!

  9. BatJamags says:

    Quiz for the patrons: what might one call an opening that serves the same purpose as a door?

    A jar?

  10. BatJamags says:

    “It strikes me that this bathing chamber is extremely inconvenient to get to.”

    Helps keep the rabble out, I bet.

    It’s gotta be great when you wake up at four in the morning and need to use the bathroom.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Notching the arrow, he aimed for the eye target below the water, allowing the Bow’s energy to tune with his own before releasing the string. Then, by quickly reaching for the calm of the Force to slow down his heart rate and make his movements steadier, he switched to his right hand where he held the Longshot and fired at the target beyond the open door.

    “Link ‘switched’ to his right hand from his… right hand?”

    Yeah, those right-hand-doesn’t-know-what-the-right-hand-is-doing problems happen all the time.

  12. BatJamags says:

    “So what do we do with the old chain?” Anakin asked. Ashei took it from Link and pocketed it as well.

    “I can find someone in Kakariko who might buy it as scrap metal in exchange for a little money. Even rusty chains like this will fetch a decent price these days for someone who needs to transport goods. Oil is easy to come by, so the rust could be managed, but metal itself – even rusty metal – is a rare commodity since Ganondorf has been monopolizing on the metal trades for years.” Link nodded slowly as she’d been speaking.

    “It makes sense. Well, it’s good that we found this, since we’re running low on spare rupees…”

    Vikki, “worldbuilding” and “padding” are not synonyms.

  13. BatJamags says:

    “Where do we go from here?” Obi-Wan asked as they all stood upon the center platform while Link looked at the map again. Link hummed noncommittally.

    I love how you can spot the word garbage paragraphs that Vikki wrote just before she stopped to play a little more of the game so she could regurgitate it blow-by-blow. The characters keep stopping and looking at the map to figure out where they’re going because she hasn’t played that part yet.

  14. BatJamags says:

    Obi-Wan glanced in Ashei’s direction, debating with himself about whether or not he wanted to speak with her, but she appeared to be deep in thought, and so he decided to wait until they were out of the temple.

    After a period of waiting for the water to be lowered (and later for it to rise back to the second level), finally Link returned to them and quickly instructed them to get on the ledge just above the target he needed to shoot.

    No one will be seated during the scene where the characters sit quietly and don’t do anything.

  15. BatJamags says:

    *Crunchy growls* “The force is emphatically not a Jacuzzi. One does not ‘dip’ into it!”

    It’s more of a splash.

    “I will choke you.”

    *Walks by with swim trunks, goggles, and a snorkel*

    Hey guys, I’m going down to the Force pool. Anybody want to come with?


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