2331: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Nineteen, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Welcome back to True High: The Legend of School!  Crunchy, hit us with that hot recap action!

“The dampness continues.  Always.  Later, the combined magical powers of climbing and architecture aids the game master in splitting the party.  This naturally leads to isolated cases of vampirism and predeterministic malaise.”

As unhelpful as always.  You have a gift for that.

Anyway, onward to this week’s cliché fest!

It was the strangest thing to know you were walking upon a stone floor with water licking at the edges of your boots, but to not actually be able to see the water or the floor you were standing on.

“I believe that is called ‘darkness.’  Not terribly strange by any account as much of the universe is like that.”

And in this fic not being able to see the setting is just par for the course, dark or not.

It was also disconcerting to appear as though you were floating in midair on an invisible platform while watching a scenario that absolutely terrified you but made no sense without context.

If he knows the context well enough to be terrified, then it’s pointless to mention that the context matters.  It’s like saying falling off a cliff is only terrifying if there’s gravity.

For to his immediate knowledge, the Force vision or whatever this was; couldn’t seem to be able to produce any voices, or he simply wasn’t hearing them.

And Archy used to say my semicolon abuse was bad.  Man, I ain’t got nothin’ on Vikki.

Either way, Obi-Wan could truly and honestly admit to himself that he was absolutely terrified. He hated heights.

“Obi-Wan is up high?”

*Taco shrugs*  The fic, predictably, has been far too busy trying to make the scene dramatic to actually describe anything.

The scene below him looked to be set on a volcanic planet, possibly one of the outer rim ones he’d never been to, and two people below were having a lightsaber duel on the rocky terrain right next to the flowing lava.

Ah, so we’re just going to go ahead and rip off the last twenty-minutes of Revenge of the Sith as a vision of a possible future, then.  Gotcha.

“The Calvinism is strong with this fic.”

For the record, Vikki, visions or dreams of the future are super lazy writing even when that future isn’t already established as canon.

When the vision had initially come up, he hadn’t recognized either of the people fighting below, but eventually the faces became familiar to him and a sinking feeling shot like ice-fire through his heart.

Naw, that’s just Crunchy’s chili.  Dude needs to chill out with the diced habanero.

One of the duelists was him. An older and harder version of his current self.

Dammit all.

“I like them with some experience under their belt!”

Go awa-

“See it’s a euphemism for his penis because it’s located below his waistline.  I’m going to go tell that one to Syl!”

*Taco sighs and rubs his forehead.*

His older self appeared to be in pain, both physical and emotional, which when Obi-Wan saw whom he was fighting, made complete sense.

“Do we complain about the lack of showing, or just be thankful that this version is likely much shorter?”

Ooof, tough one.

He was fighting Anakin. At least this was the person he perceived as Anakin.

Dammit, Clayface!  Stay on your side of the studio divide!

With the ragged darkness that clung to this older version of his padawan with his wild ragged hair waving about his face, yellow eyes blazing with an evil fire that frightened Obi-Wan to his core, it was hard to think of the man his older self fought as Anakin at all.

*Taco hits the button for Sakai’s pager*

What did this mean?

“You are fighting an evil-looking version of your pupil.  If you need that explained to you further, then you really should have paid more attention to Yoda’s warnings.”

Shuddering away as the corrupted Anakin was stricken down by the older version of himself, leaving the young man to burn in the lava, he closed his eyes in the hopes of burning the vision out of his mind.

“See, because Anakin is on fire.”

Well, at least it isn’t ice puns this time.

But alas, as always the will of the Force worked in strange ways, bringing the vision he’d just witnessed to the forefront of his mind and wouldn’t budge.

Dude, that’s called dwelling and is a normal response.  That has nothing to do with the Force.

Obi-Wan!

His eyes snapped open. What was that?

Obi-Wan!

The voice was louder in his head now, and he recognized it as Anakin’s voice. His padawan was in trouble. He could dwell more on the vision later.

See, Vikki!?  You even knew it was dwelling and not Force-induced!  Stop trying to pretentiously tie everything into the Force!  Things can happen to your characters without having to be mystical in nature.  Constantly tying everything into magic actually cheapens the human aspect of your characters, which is why they’re so flat and uninteresting.

“One of the reasons.”

Okay, yeah, one of the myriad of reasons.

“What is it, Anakin? Where are you?”

*Crunchy points down into the fic*  “He would be the guest of honor at the barbecue.”

Fear. It flooded him in waves as the link between the master and padawan was thrust open with a strange display of complete trust Anakin rarely allowed between them.

“That is most definitely not how that works.”

Vikki, just gonna say this: ‘thrust’ was not the word to use there.  Both because of the unfortunate connotations, but also because that doesn’t really mean what you’re using it to mean.

“Well, it can mean to push sharply, so is not completely wron-”

It seeped into his pores and sped up his breathing, as he knew it was doing to Anakin, making his hands shake and his legs jittery.

“Oh.  Oh my.”

Yeah.

I need your help, Master…

Obi-Wan took deep breaths and did his best to send calming waves through the Force directed at his padawan. Even though he was standing in complete darkness, surely his padawan was somewhere nearby, scared out of his wits for whatever reason, possibly facing his own terrifying vision.

“A padawan soaked in a fear is always a positive sign, especially after what you just saw regarding his obvious embrace of the Dark Side.”

“Anakin, I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?”

Silence. Then a small…

Yes, I think I can.

“Anakin, whatever you are seeing, it is but an illusion. It is a fear that is consuming you. Only you can defeat it and conquer it, Anakin.”

So is the vision an illusion or a fear?  Those aren’t really the same thing.  One can cause the other, sure, but that’s not what was written.

But I can’t fight myself!

“I beg to differ.”

Ah, there was his padawan’s usual irritating wit.

Wha?  It is?

“Yes, you see Anakin tells Obi-Wan that he cannot fight himself, which is a play-on-words given Obi-Wan’s instructions to defeat the illusion-fear.”

Oooooh.

It did confuse him, but perhaps the room was playing tricks on his padawan’s mind, as it had done to him. Surely it was nothing more than that.

“You should have made the Shirley counter.”

Look, how could I have known it would become Vikki’s favorite word after chapter seventeen?

You can, Anakin. It is only an illusion. I have faith that you can dispel it.”

And slowly, a light began to emerge from the darkness.

.oOo.

We’ve already established this, Vikki.  That’s not a light, it’s a tiara.

Ashei was alone. But hadn’t she always been?

*Taco mashes Sakai’s edge pager*

Where the hell is he!?

“Probably not answering the fictitious call that he will not see until after this posts.”

Quiet, you!

“Fine, fine, keep your pants on, I’m here!”

“…”

“The transit system’s out, so I had to walk the whole way, is all.

*Slides the ordered video off of a small pushcart and trundles it back out.*”

“Well color me impressed.”

Grey mists hung about her like a thick fog as she stood beside the only thing for miles: a sickly stick thing that dared to call itself a tree.

You know what else you can call a ‘stick thing?’

“A stick?”

A stick!

Her wet boots dug into the sand that surrounded it. Upon closer inspection, she thought she could see doors somewhere in the mists, but she seemed to have lost the ability to care.

Hold up, did Ashei just become the audience avatar!?

“I feel quite sullied by that thought.”

Suddenly, she realized why the feeling of being alone disturbed her so much.

“I suppose it was only natural for this to segue into the romance angle again.”

Well, it might also be heading into a Star Trek / MLP inspired message about how she has friends now.

“Are either of those preferable?”

No.

She wasn’t supposed to be alone. Her friends… Anakin, Obi-Wan, and…

Link. Where was he?

“Come to think of it, how was she always alone?  What about Auru?”

Are you implying that he ever mattered?

“Touché.”

She frowned at the bits of water that sloshed at the sand beneath her feet. This wasn’t right at all.

Fucking water being all wet and sloshy!

“Decidedly unnatural.”

The others had entered the room with her, right? Link had even entered the room first! Right…?

Sorta. The fic just cut randomly from Link opening a door to them already being in their individual ‘face Ur dorkness’ rooms.

Her heart began to speed up just a little bit faster, and her body began to sweat. She could feel the cool mists nipping at the perspiration at her palms.

Ooof, another poor word choice.

Why did being alone bother her so much? It never had before.

“Was Vikki under the impression that the answer to this was not painfully obvious?  Or painfully cliché?”

‘That was before I met Anakin and Obi-Wan,’ she mused, ‘Before Link and this Din forsaken quest…’

She hadn’t needed much contact with others beyond that Auru had allowed her to have. She’d had her flowers to keep her company.

“And her frequent trips to Kakiriko Village.”

Look, we don’t talk about those while angsting about being sheltered and alone.

“But flowers can’t talk, can they?”

Sure they can!

Not that it ends particularly well when they do.

Ashei gasped and turned whirled around, taking a few steps back when her eyes locked with another pair… her own. Before her stood her reflection, an exact copy that was scarily correct right down to the bound hair and clingy wet clothes. She tilted her head slightly, for a moment curious at whether or not her reflection accurately represented her curves and… assets, but she quickly shook it off and allowed her muscles to tense in preparation for a fight, glaring fiercely at her strange double.

Apparently mirrors aren’t a thing in the past-future.

“It did make preening a tad difficult at times, yes.”

“They didn’t need to,” Ashei replied in kind, slowly, almost deliberately.

Wait. Upon closer inspection, her double seemed to be missing the earrings that Impa had given her. Hmm…

“Oh, but you crave company, don’t you? You always have. Always talking to those stupid flowers as if they could transform themselves into your stupid parents or tell you why they’d abandoned such a stupid little girl like you–”

“Now you shut up!” Ashei snapped. “That’s not true! My mother is dead!”

I see, we’re going with abandonment issues.  The old reliable of Sue wangst.

The copy grinned evilly. “And what about your father?”

“Also dead.”

Not that it really affected him in any meaningful way.

Ashei’s gut twisted as an icy knot formed inside her. Hot tears began to well up in her eyes. “He’s… dead too.” So she thought. But there had always been that one doubt in the back of her mind, that one stray thought…

Her double just laughed darkly.

“Believe what you want, you idiot girl. It doesn’t matter, though. You can’t depend on those flowers now can you? Being with people is much more… addicting.” A sick, sly smile formed on her reflection’s thin lips. “Especially this person…” Ashei gasped when Link’s form appeared out of the fog, but something wasn’t quite right… where was his armor? Why was he in his green tunic?

So her evil twin is going to torment her by showing Ashei nudes of her crush?  That’s… different.

“What have you done to him?” she snarled. “You let him go!”

You put him in the formless void, you monster!

“No, that was Vikki.”

A chuckle was all she got in reply. Her double ignored her pleas, and instead placed her right arm around Link’s shoulders, the hand settling on his right, rubbing against it with a smooth, seductive grace. Her left hand reached for his chest, and that hand too rubbed against the cloth with more abandon than Ashei could stand, but she was frozen in place.

By the time her doppelganger’s left hand had made it up to the strings of the white shirt beneath Link’s tunic, Ashei was positively boiling with rage. Her copy grinned at her sideways, her fingers undoing the strings and trailing the skin and muscles of his chest and neck while she leaned in to press her face against the spot where his neck and shoulders met, her nose brushing the skin.

“Ah yes, the mental torture that is having to witness heavy petting.  The horror.”

“He’s such a handsome young man, isn’t he?” she purred, continuing to taunt Ashei with her movements. “Quite the addiction, to be sure…”

“Does the doppelganger initiating coitus count as these two finally getting on with it?”

At this point, I’d take it just to prove that Vikki can actually write something other than anime teenagers crushing on each other.  Not that I particularly want to read a vague sex scene filled with flower imagery, mind you.

A soft chuckle, and Ashei’s double moved to press her lips to Link’s neck and jaw line, but strangely, none of this elicited any reaction from Link at all. Ashei’s blind rage prevented her from noticing this, however, as her double’s left hand stopped stroking the skin of Link’s chest to trail in the same direction as her lips, which also paused in their ministrations to taunt Ashei again to rile her up even further.

“Her kisses trailed up from his neck to jaw, and her hand followed.  Soon enough she will be kissing and stroking the top of his head.”

“What fine lips he has… so soft.” Another chuckle rumbled from her throat, and Ashei managed a low growl in return. Her double laughed softly. “Poor, pitiful Ashei… the virgin lips of her lover have yet to be kissed, and she is unable to do anything about it? For shame!”

You know, I wasn’t going to say anything, but Ashei’s evil doppelganger is rocking that alternate-universe goatee.  Not sure the French mustache is a good choice to go with it, but hey, no judgments.

The fingers that had been trailing up Link’s neck now grasped his chin and turned it toward her double’s face.

“Snapping his neck and forever ending the possibility of liberating Hyrule.  The E-”

*BZZZZZZZZT*

“So delightfully tingly.”

I’m just going to be over here, pretending I didn’t hear that.

I think… this situation needs rectifying. I shall do it for you, then. It’s the least I can do.” And slowly, she began to pull down his lips to hers,

Must be one of those things that’s more erotic in person.

and Ashei was about to release a scream of anger and rage and rain down her fury upon this thing that dared to lay a finger on her charge and – she noticed it.

It!?

“I remind you-”

Yes, yes, no Pennywise picture upon pain of being coated in superglue and rainbow glitter.

Link’s ears were missing their loops. It dawned on her then: this was all an illusion.

Link without his jewelry!?  We know how much he loves those earrings, so he must be a double!

“Not the most idiotic way to discover an illusion, but certainly bottom of the nest.”

But just as quickly as her anger had faded, it came rushing back in spades, though it flowed with her rather than against her, and just as her reflection’s lips were about to touch with the other illusion’s, Ashei’s white sword came crashing down upon them and turned their bodies to dust upon a nonexistent wind. She breathed deeply to steady herself, terrified of what the feelings that burned in her blood really meant, but knowing that she could ignore them no longer, not after that.

“Yesssssss!  Give into the rage!  Let it flow through you!  Only when you embrace it can you wield the true power of the Dark Side and take your rightful place at-”

Dude, this is Ashei you’re talking about here.

…

“-at the Imperial Greenhouse of Miscreant Plants!”

There you go.

And that was when she heard another voice.

“Link, look out!”

I keep getting George of the Jungle flashbacks whenever I see that line.

Ashei whipped around, and there was Link again, but this time, she knew that what she was seeing was real.

Oh gods, I just had an insane thought.  What if the earrings were faked this time!?

“Come now, these are illusions.  There is no such thing as illusory jewelry.”

Whew, okay, I was worried there for a sec.

However, that didn’t mean she had to like what she was seeing…

“In all fairness we would not like it either, even if we could see it.”

She gripped her sword tighter.

No one was going to harm her charge. Not on her watch.

You wouldn’t like Ashei when she’s angry!  In fact, you wouldn’t like her regardless.

.oOo.

I have to say, not everyone can pull off a tiara, but you wear it really well.

“It comes down to the plumage.  My father always maintained that a well-preened crest was the gateway to the future.  And while he was most certainly an idiot, I do enjoy the benefit of his genetics.”

Anakin scrambled to his feet, his hand calling for his lightsaber in the sand.

“Which he did not do earlier due to the zip-wall of plot which was erected between him and the Force.”

Hey, operating those zippers can be tricky.

 It came to him without question, and he whirled on his assailant.

So, do lightsabers often ask questions when you use the Force to retrieve them?

“More often than you would think.”

Something deep in his gut told him that this is what he would one day become if he let his fears control his actions.

“True enough.  And lashing out in fear of this future is certainly one of the many paths you have in front of you.”

He couldn’t let that happen, not when his Master finally had faith in his ability to do something right for a change…

He was not going to let down Obi-Wan now.

“You know what?” He told his fears, “I’m not about to let you control me – I’m better than that! Get lost!”

The expression on the face of his older self was absolutely priceless, yet Anakin couldn’t bring himself to use his lightsaber to smite the figure before him. It wasn’t the way of the Jedi to slaughter unless absolutely necessary, and even though he knew that this was an illusion, he couldn’t let himself sink down to that level.

“Oh.  That was, disappointing.”

Not to mention anticlimactic.  Apparently nobody ever thought to just tell Vader to go away.

Will of the force, he thought to himself, show me the way!

The light above them flickered, drawing both of their attentions to the flame within the lantern. Cracks begin appearing in the glass, and Anakin only just managed to shield his eyes before it burst into millions of tiny little pieces that were left to fall into nothing.

Anakin grinned, knowing exactly what he had to do.

And that’s it.  That’s Anakin’s trial.  It’s overcome with the clever use of ‘just don’t be scared.’

.oOo.

I don’t suppose I could-

“No.  It is mine.”

Aww.

Obi-Wan watched as his padawan reached for the lantern lodged in the branch above him. It fell into his waiting hand effortlessly, and the older version of Anakin that Obi-Wan had glimpsed in his vision now backed away in fear.

He thought Anakin would advance and gloat, but no.

Without any preamble, Anakin threw the lantern towards his older self, and as the fire began to consume its target, the world turned to white.

So as long as he doesn’t use the lightsaber to do it, needless slaughter is still actually okay?

“There is a special case in the Force by-laws that allow for oil lantern hurling.  It is an annoying loophole, but the lack of a whaling industry in the Republic has helped keep the number of lamp-wielding Jedi to a minimum.”

.oOo.

*Taco pouts*

“I have a lovely trinzale you could try on.”

It’s not the same.

Link’s blade clashed against steel as another pressed its weight against him.

He’s fighting a flying blade?  Must be a fifth-level wizard around here somewhere.

His heart thudded in his chest and he parried out of habit, but the figure before him stood exactly has he stood.

“Upright?”

Moistly.

It was but a shadow that took his form, with nothing but a vague shape to even suggest that it was human, accompanied by little but a sword, a shield and a pair of eerie red eyes. This image terrified him and at once he knew why. This creature was the thing that had torn itself from his heart and stolen his reflection, this was the thing that had once made him relish his first kill at the fall of Queen Gohma, this… was the embodiment of the darkness in his soul.

And with that, the cliché has finally been given form.  Okay, Vikki, you’ve now plumbed the depths of unoriginality.  Time to have Link overcome his own personal dorkness with as little difficulty or tension as is possible.

“So he will use the hammer?”

Din’s fire is also pretty good for cheesing this fight, especially if you have a bottle of magic juice.

However, though it might have been but a shadow, it clearly showed its own initiative and was not to be taken lightly.

“That does not mean anything, does it?”

Nope, that’s what we call a sentence of pure padding goodness.

It shadowed his movements when he attacked, but with obvious partiality he was unable to mirror the movements of his shadow.

“I shall add ‘partiality’ to the list.”

Now, now, maybe there’s a Russian judge somewhere in the mist who’s raining down the 3.2s on Link.

Again and again their blades clashed, but Link quickly found himself tiring despite his usual strength and endurance… and that was when the thought crossed his mind.

He was going to die here.

*Taco and Crunchy look at the number of remaining chapters and heave sighs*

CRASH!

“This is why you should not be constantly refilling the Narrator’s drink.”

Dude, I took the guys keys, I have no idea how he got back into the fic.

Just before his shadowy double was about to swing his blade upon Link’s battered shield once more did something come along in a great blur to tackle the thing to the ground.

And here’s this week’s entry in ‘Can you phrase this more awkwardly?’

A growl ripping from her throat and eyes blazing with emotions he couldn’t name, there stood Ashei as she rolled away to pick up her blade where it had fallen.

“She was standing as she rolled?”

*The department of contradictions one-man-squad bursts through the door while waiting to be let in and gives everyone a written verbal ticket of warning*

I really hate that people.

His shadow growled in return, and Ashei’s eyes narrowed.

Just rub Dark Link’s belly until his leg kicks and this’ll all be fine.

“Ashei?” Link breathed, afraid that if he spoke too loud she would snap.

Word to the wise, if you ever find yourself worried that you’ll make your crush snap by saying their name too loud, it’s probably time to find a different prospective fuck buddy.

Instead, however, the sound of his voice seemed to calm her, and the moment her eyes locked with his, that strange connection that they shared flared to life again.

‘Link, we’ve got to work together!’

“Implying she expected him to stand there and watch.”

Wow, even the characters are aware of how useless they are.

The shadow had finally remembered who its real target was and was beginning to advance on him once more, twitching its fingers and flexing its muscles as a hissing sound that might perhaps have been a substitute for a laugh leaked out of its mouth in a slow stream.

“It even mimics his twitchy fingers and muscle stiffness.”

‘But how? This creature mirrors my movements! I can’t do a thing!’

There are two of you.  Take a wild fucking guess on how best to bring it down when you outnumber it.

“Din’s fire?”

Well, yeah, that too.

Her eyes softened, and the intensity of emotion in those grey depths was so astonishing that Link felt his cheeks burn with warmth.

Oh for crap’s sake, they’re even at it in the middle of combat.  CAN YOU TWO JUST FUCK ALREADY AND GET IT OVER WITH!?

‘Just trust me Link… please.’

And immediately Link’s stomach dropped to the floor, though because of the sudden force of his enemy’s blade upon his own or by the subtle declaration that such a trust implied.

What?

“I believe the shadow just gutted Link while Ashei was distracting him.”

Yeah, let’s go with that.

He fought back, trusting Ashei exactly as she had asked of him, and eventually the shadow cried out in pain before him even though he hadn’t done a thing.

His first thought was… had Ashei done that? And then a second quickly followed after: the shadow could be harmed. Hurt. Killed.

He took a jab, and the Master Sword glowed fiercely as it passed through the shadow’s right arm. It fell through the floor in a heap of vile dark wisps, only for Link to sense it appearing behind him moments later. He whirled, Ashei circled around, and the process began again. But the shadow was smart. It began to catch on to Link’s jabs and was able to block them after a fashion.

So, the progression here is that it was blocking all Link’s attacks, then it wasn’t able to block, but now it’s learned to block.  Consistency is for losers.

It was only after Link finally unleashed his ultimate spin attack that when the shadow went down, Link couldn’t sense it rising up anywhere behind him.

Anywhere behind… wait… where was Ashei?

“Swirling your blade around wildly when in close combat with an ally turns out to be an efficient way to add entertainment value to an otherwise stilted and uninteresting fight scene.”

Unfortunately it also increases the chances for edgy melodrama by quite a lot.

Link spun around, the splashing of the water a thundering to his ears after what had seemed to him like a soundless battle. The sight that greeted him was what he had hoped to see: Ashei standing there, waiting for him…

Only to be trapped in the arms of his shadow moments later, a naked blade at her exposed throat.

“Yes, it does tend to be significantly less threatening if you hold a sheath to your captive’s throat.”

Link took a step forward, but the creature hissed in laughter.

Ah yes, here comes the requisite mustache twirling followed by immediate dramatic defusal.

“Take one sssstep,” it said, its words sizzling as it spoke, “and sssshe diessss!” It somehow gained a mouth and it grinned that predator’s grin, hissing again in the form of a cackle.

AHH!  The ambulatory smile crawled onto Dark Link!  Quick, get it!

*Crunchy flails are the fic with the smile-swatter.*

Link was suddenly flooded with a surge of possessiveness he had never felt for Ashei before now, and the sudden presence of emotion almost terrified him more than the situation itself.

Yeah, it’s a good idea to be frightened of possessive tendencies in yourself.  Generally not a good sign, especially not in a relationship.

‘Ashei,’ he whispered, his heart thudding against his chest, ‘what do I do?’

One look told him that she didn’t even know. Link reflexively let out a soft sob, tears he couldn’t fathom the origin of rolling down his cheeks, and he let his sword drop to the ground in defeat.

“He reflexively cried?”

I guess it depends on how you define a reflex.  I mean, if you suddenly grab my nipple with a pair of pliers, I’m pretty sure the first thing I’d do is cry.

“Yessss… thatssss it,” his shadow chuckled, “give up. Ssssurrrrenderr…”

*Taco squints at Crunchy*

“I know what you are thinking, and I disavow all knowledge of the shadow’s speech pattern.”

Another emotion shot through him: anger, white-hot flashing across the skin of his face and down his spine.

*Crunchy quickly hides the branding iron behind his back*

“Yes.  Anger.  That is indeed what he is feeling.”

He wasn’t about to surrender to this thing, not while it still had Ashei in its hands.

A little late now that you dropped your weapon already.

“Yet it just keeps standing there despite Link being unarmed.”

Having useless enemies is the best super-power.

Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to save her and take her into his arms with the creature at his feet, neck snapped to the side and its blood spilling out across the water…

*Crunchy checks the script*

“Odd, I do not see the part where Link’s actor was swapped for the Duke.”

No.

Perhaps?

“Irascibly.”

He blinked. Had that thought been his? He wasn’t sure. All he knew was that his anger had left him and little else remained in its place except exhaustion and sorrow.

Dark Link:  So uh, whatcha doing over there, bud?  Sorta got your girlfriend here at naked blade-point.  All helpless and at my mercy and stuff.  That’s pretty cool, right?

Anguish began to seep into him again, and he knew that if he let himself stand there and go down that road again, he’d only drive himself mad with anger he couldn’t use.

DL:  You okay?  You’re making weird faces.  Kinda rude if you ask me, I went through all this trouble to set up this little no-win situation and you’re kinda ignoring me.

Anger wasn’t the solution to the problem. Then… what was? What was so powerful, but less volatile than anger?

After a moment’s thought and a thorough search of his options, he knew that there was such a solution, but it would require the most absolute, most complete calm he’d ever attempted.  He frowned, wondering if anyone could immerse themselves so far and come out alive. He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, slowly taking another one in, and again letting it out.

DL:  Look, maybe I should just come back.  You’re obviously busy or in need of a restroom break or something, and I’ve got other people to haunt.  So if you can just sign this receipt of darkness to confirm delivery, I’ll be on my way.

After a long period of nothing but breathing in the quiet silence of pure darkness, Link reached deep into the Force with his magic, gathering as much energy to him as he could.

DL:  *Checks his watch* Bud, I’m gonna be late for my two-o’clock.  How about I just email you the form and you can esign it?  You don’t even need a card on file since this service was prepaid by a Mr. Garnom.

Then he opened his eyes, and he took a step forward.

DL: Oh, good, finally.  Look, I just need your email and we can part way-

The world shifted around him as the magic of wind rushed through his blood like wildfire. He held tight to his core with all his might, and suddenly his sword was with him, his connection to the Force making it fall into his hands like a faithful dog willing to do the deeds its master wanted of it.  Link’s already hard beating heart beat even faster despite the calm of the Force that clung to him to keep his life force intact, and it poured into the Master Sword as the world around him began to come back into focus.

DL: Wow, you got some crazy core strength there!  You must do like a million crunches a day.  Me, I’ve got a personal trainer but she’s got me doing mostly cardio work; says it’ll help with the whole “evil doppleganger” job. It’s been working out pretty well.  Got your girlfriend all at naked-point and everything, and didn’t even break ninety bpm.  Been great talking to you anyway, I’ll just send the email to Garnom and he can forward it on to-

Though all this happened in but an instant, Link could almost see the blade change its shape as it cut through the dimensions to shear his shadow’s body into dust, the length of metal blurring into a column of pure and unfiltered light.

DL: Make sure to… leave… a good rating…… Yelp

“Poor fellow.  Very polite of him to have waited, though.”

Vikki, I want to point something very basic out to you that I think you would have noticed if you could have been bothered to proofread any of this for more than just spelling.  It’ll only take a second.  Let’s start at the end where you wrote this:

Though all this happened in but an instant

Now, on the same screen I can still see where you wrote this:

After a moment’s thought and a thorough search of his options

and this:

He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, slowly taking another one in, and again letting it out.

and this:

After a long period of nothing but breathing in the quiet silence of pure darkness

So, just so you’re aware, if you spent a substantial amount less time trying to sound like a good writer and instead did the work necessary to write passably and then check over your writing a few times before showing it off, your fic wouldn’t suck as completely as it does.

“Hold on, how did he slice through the shadow with a giant sword-slash if Ashei was being held between them?”

Oh, that’s easy!  Vikki forgot that’s where Ashei was standing.

 It blinded him, and he had to let go of the blade to shield his eyes.

“You have two arms you could use to shield your eyes. Stop dropping your weapon every few seconds, you simian simpleton.”

Suddenly the world was no longer bright and the illusion began to fade away, as Link wasted no time in grabbing Ashei’s shoulders and turning her around so that he could pull her close to him at last.

I’ll give the fic a redemption cookie if Ashei is an illusion and it turns out he’s actually hugging Anakin.

*Crunchy looks down the fic*  “Sadly, not an illusion.”

Dammit!  Well, anyway, the fic scene transitions here so let’s break off for the week.  We’re about halfway through and now that all the trials have been passed, we’re in for about five-thousand words worth of all these characters discussing the trials and I just don’t have the mental capacity to handle that much aggressively uninteresting padding right now.

So, until next week, remain patrons, patrons!

…

“How about my bourrelet?  I can even provide a wig to go with it.”

Look, I don’t want your hand-me-downs, it’s tiara or nothing!

---