2310: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Eighteen, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hey, patrons, welcome back!  I’m back from the Taco family road trip (patent pending), so am ready to sink my teeth into some hot, chunky exposition.  Crunchy is with me as well.

“And delighted to be here.”

Save your sarcasm for the fic, you’ll need it.  Speaking of which, care to furnish us with one of your unhelpful recaps of chapter seventeen?

“The Kingsicle is upsetting so the party hunts for blue fire to melt the ice of impenetrable redness.  Meanwhile, Sheik wants to jam but the venue he picked is awful.”

Awesome, let’s see what awaits us in chapter eighte-!

Chapter Eighteen: Water Temple – Part 1

Oh hell.

Wait, part one?  This chapter is almost ten-thousand words and it’s still a two-parter?  Ugh, strap-in patrons.

Disclaimer: Really? I have to say this… AGAIN? How many times can I say I don’t own this?

“Well, you needed to say it zero times, but that has evidently not dampened your enthusiasm toward saying it.”

That pretty well summarizes Vikki’s overall writing style, really.

Author’s Notes-

Whether or not this manages to fit all in one chapter (though considering its length and the obviously blatant stopping place for a cliffhanger before the dungeon item) I will make sure that the Water Temple chapter (or chapters) get finished before I disappear to go work on my art.

“I had forgotten our author was also an aspiring artist.”

Not a bad one either.  In the end it’s for the best that she gave up on writing to pursue drawing.

Pinky swear. :D

Please stop wasting our time with your pointless and chatty author’s notes =3.

After Sheik had left, Ashei pried the scroll attached to her bracelet and unrolled the instructions, beginning to read them aloud to her nearby companions.

“Ahem.  ‘An Introduction to the Many Applications of Explosive Ru-‘”

The top of the scroll read: Iron Bracelets – so heavy you can’t run, so heavy you can’t swim!

I liked yours better.

Ashei frowned at it for a moment, but shook her head and moved on to the actual instructions written in the tidy spidery scrawl of the Zoras that were listed below.

How fucking difficult can bracelets be?  Even if they’re magic hold-you-to-the-bottom-of-the-ocean bracelets, their basic operation should be the same: put it on your wrist.

“And you think that is simple enough for Ashei to figure out without detailed instruction?”

… Okay, fair enough.

“To access maximum capability; place on your dominant hand.

“It is not common knowledge,  but most magical armlets weigh slightly less when placed on the wrist of your off hand.”

To equip, unlatch the clasp and press it to the underside of the wrist (or lace through leather loops if wearing gloves or gauntlets) and press the clasp together.

*SLAM* 

Thrilling accessory instructions (Bling your armor!): 83

The latch will lock automatically. To activate, press the green button, and to deactivate, press the red button. Warning: does not provide alternate sources of oxygen while underwater. It is advised to find such methods before applying while swimming.”

‘Oxygen Methods’ sounds like an instrumental Yes cover band.

Finally, she looked up. “Well, that was informative.”

“Not to mention unnecessary.”

Obi-Wan stared at the thin metal bracelet only about an inch wide and an eighth of an inch thick. The softly glowing metal writhed and fluctuated underneath his touch, as though trying to get a read on something.

“Is writhing truly part of the reading process?”

I have two children who would say that writhing is an absolutely essential part of enjoying a book.

“Yes, quite,” he muttered as he studied it. “It is indeed a useful tool to have.”

He undid the latch and followed the instructions by placing it on the hand he used to wield his lightsaber, pressing the clasp to the underside of his wrist before pressing the clasp back together. The bright quality of the metal intensified as it completed its reading, and the clasp locked automatically with an audible clicking sound as the circumference stretched to properly fit the size of his wrist.

It’s a real shame that nobody in the futuristic past thought of swimming as a solution to underwater mobility.

“And it appears to fit itself to fit the user as well.”

Okay, we get it, you all now have one-size-fits-all bracelets that can magically make you dense at the push of a gemstone.

“Please, they were dense long before putting on some mystical baubles.”

He glanced at the nearby spot of water where the ice had been cut away, and all their gazes shifted towards it.

“As much as I really don’t want to go down there,” Link muttered, fiddling with his own bracelet as he struggled to insert it into his left gauntlet, “I don’t think we really have much of a choice.” He glanced back at the door, which had apparently locked itself again.

“We appreciate Sheik’s initiative at locking them in, but leaving the ice open was an unfortunate oversight.”

“It’s probably a shortcut back to the entrance anyway,” Ashei muttered, before throwing up her hands in exasperation from watching Link struggle to put his bracelet on.

“Why should she assume that?”

Ashei had a lot of free time during her training.  She played through Ocarina of Time on several occasions.

“Oh here, let me help you!”

She moved in close to grab the bracelet and steady Link’s hand at the same time that Link looked up to see her approach. Their eyes met for but a moment and something passed between them then, just before Ashei lowered her eyes to finish threading the bracelet through.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, “noticed you were having trouble…”

“No,” he muttered in kind, “it’s fine.”

Seriously?  That’s how you’re going to fold in yet another high-school romance moment?  You made Link too stupid to put on a fucking bracelet without help?  I know, I know, some bracelets can be tricky, but two other people just put theirs on without a hint of trouble, so I’m not buying that.

Beside the water, Anakin cleared his throat, making the two look up at him suddenly, the last few moments forgotten.

“Anakin is also struggling with his.  Perhaps Link can help him so they may also share a moment of intimacy.”

Stop fishing for slash-fic commissions.

“Um, how are you two going to breathe down there?” he asked, holding out a small mouth guard that filtered out the oxygen from the water.  . “Obi-Wan and I have these, but…”

“Did Anakin just imply that he would not be sharing his breathing device?”

If he wasn’t otherwise written as a useless and unlikable comic-relief character in this fic, he would have just earned himself best core character status for that.

Ashei moved away from Link to fiddle with one of her belt packs, pulling out a foldable version of what Anakin had held out to her.

“Why would she have one of those?”

Dude just be thankful she already has it.  That saved us two-thousand or so words dedicated to going to a shop and buying one.

“I’ve got this,” she said with a grin. But then it fell and she turned to Link. “But you don’t have anything…”

Ashei is also not about the sharing.

 Link shrugged. “I can hold my breath. Shouldn’t take that long, and besides, I’ve got this.” He tapped the left side of his neck with one finger and the symbol of the Zora Scales appeared there briefly before fading.

Just think of how many words Vicci wouldn’t have been able to write if everyone could swim and hold their breath for a reasonable amount of time?  I shudder to think at how much shorter the chapter would have been.

Ashei stared at him. “You’ve got a Zora Scale? Where…?”

Dude, you have an underwater breathing device.  Who cares if he has a Zora Scale!?  Can we fucking move on, already!?

Link’s expression grew serious. “A Zora named Mikau gave it to me when I first entered Zora’s Domain. He told me that when pressed to my skin, I would absorb its energy and be able to hold my breath for longer than normal. So I’ll be fine.”

“Fantastic, the fic is regurgitating itself.”

It’s becoming a mobius loop of plot.

“Calling it ‘plot’ is being overly generous.”

He walked over to the pool of ice water and flashed his companions a grin.

“That being said, I should probably go first, and you’ll follow behind.” He looked up towards his hat, where Navi curled up underneath it, clutching at strands of his golden hair.

Pretty sure Navi, as a magical creature, is just fine being underwater.  Canon Navi is just a blop of light with wings, so she probably doesn’t even need oxygen.  Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure you can Z-target things while underwater, so I think the game upholds that interpretation.

“Hold onto my hat, Navi!’ he said, laughing. Navi grimaced. “Gladly.”

“I presume he means from the inside so that it does not fall off.  Which raises even more questions about how the hat-space operates.”

Once again proving that the mechanical minutia of a poorly designed magical hat are far more interesting than anything going on in the fic.

And through the passageway they were able to escape the Ice Cavern and eventually make their way back to the King’s Room where King Zora still sat frozen in red ice. Link stood on top of the pedestal, a bottle of blue fire in his hands and magic at his fingertips.

“Not to mention catfish on the table, and gospel in the air.”

Quickly, he uncorked the bottle and let the fire fall from it like liquid flame, Link using his mind to command the wind magic and have the fire to settle upon the red ice, melting it as it spiraled around the offending frost in glowing downward circles of brilliant blueness.

You can tell we’re in the first half of the chapter because good crap was that overwrought.

And ‘blueness’ really?  You load up your prose shogun with all that other purple garbage and then top it off with ‘blueness?’  There aren’t words.

“Sure there are.  ‘Blueness’ being one of them.”

I hate you.

Eventually all of the ice dripped away, leaving the surrounding water tinged with red.

Imagine the movie Psycho.

“Coincidentally something we would rather be watching.”

King Zora’s eyes fluttered open as if awakening from a long sleep, and he yawned for a moment before focusing on Link.

Turns out that Zora wasn’t actually entrapped by Ganon, he just took a nap that lasted so long that ice formed on him.

“That is illogical.  We know for a fact that red ice forms when certain technology overheats.  I think it far more likely that King Zora has been replaced by a droid.”

“Oh, I’ve come back to life! (Snip)

That starts a conversation that is essentially verbatim from the game.  Link talks a little to update the king, but it’s nothing we don’t already know.

Well, there’s also this moment of idiocy:

Link sighed. “While I would go after her with the Iron Bracelets in the Ice Cavern located in the Fountain, I do not currently have any available means to breath underwater at this point, which I believe I need in order to traverse the temple without unnecessary difficulty.”

YOU HAVE THREE UNDERWATER BREATHING DEVICES!  Either share one or go to town and buy a fourth!  For fuck’s sake, how are you all this stupid!?

Anyway, that’s there to prompt King Z to tell Link that there’s Zora Armor in the shop, which also lets you breath underwater.  Consequently it also makes the previous interaction with Mikau:

Since he never even really used the Zora scale aside from the one little jaunt out of the locked room and his much earlier trip to Lake Hylia. And he may as well just have done both without the scale for all it was required from a plot perspective.

“Where did he get that extra bottle of blue fire?  He already used the last one in the previous chapter.”

You sure?  Here, let’s see what happens after the conversation with Zora.

Link held up his last bottle of Blue Fire with a smile.

Ah, I see, I think Link utilized the power of bad math to bend reality to his will and produce two extra bottles.

Downstairs in Zora’s Domain, Link stood in front of the blocked off door to the shop with the bottle in his hand. He uncorked it, and slowly he began pouring it at the threshold of the red ice, melting the foundation so that the rest would follow. Eventually it crumbled enough so that the entire wall fell to the ground, bits of still solid red ice scattering and clicking across the cold stone beneath their feet.

Automatically, the sensors of the torches on either side of the door whirred to life, flame springing into existence within the fuel that remained.

“Customers always question whether installing torches activated by melting ice are a good investment.  I think they speak for themselves.”

Taking that as a good sign, Link slowly stepped over the red ice remains and entered into the Zoras’ shop. The inside of the shop, unlike the outside, was very dimly lit. Link held up his pointer and middle fingers into the darkness and called a small flame to hover just above the skin.

There’s a skin in the room?

“With his recent clientele being Hylian, the Zoran shop owner has taken to wearing a human face to help put his customers at ease.”

Well, that certainly explains why somebody decided to ice over the shop door.

Entering behind Anakin and Obi-Wan, Ashei quickly did the same and the contents of the room began to become slightly more visible.

“Quite a good selection.  He even has that jar filled with thumbs that I have been saving up for.”

Anakin whistled. “I’m not sure what we were expecting to find, but this…”

A whole box filled with nose hair!?  I didn’t know they even sold that in bulk!

Link shook his head. “No. This wasn’t what I was expecting to find.”

“Look, a signed copy of 1001 Normal Activities to do with Your Fellow Humans.

Before them lay chaos: boxes were strewn everywhere, some partially demolished, others but a semblance of what they used to be, most of the ones containing weapons and stockpiles for weapons were left untouched, but the ones that had once clearly contained food and other consumables were either completely empty or nearing it.

Vikki, you do realize that a ‘stockpile’ isn’t an actual physical thing that just exists to put things in, right?  It’s a descriptive term of a bunch of items being collected and saved for later.

“I shall add it to the list.”

Upon the table where shopkeepers would have conducted their shop-keeping, a kind of crude chemistry set sat surrounded by various things that were blue in color such as powders, fabrics, and even some ice. Ashei frowned at it as she drew closer.

So much blue.  Wait, shit, I think they just stumbled into the den of a plot alchemist!

“Someone’s been trying to use this to make blue fire,” she observed quietly.

“Probably to sell it to some poor fool who cannot get their hands on the real stuff that burns forever until it stops.  The same stuff that is a few minutes walk away.”

“And that means… what?” asked Anakin. “That someone’s still alive in here?”

No, it means that somebody was alive in here at least until recently.

Obi-Wan nodded and pointed at some bowls that had been placed in specific places around the room where water dripped from the ceiling. Some had more water in them in others, and one looked like it had been recently emptied. “Those bowls are further proof. Could there be a storeroom where more merchandise would be kept?”

One would hope, but Hylian merchants tend to keep very little inventory on-hand.  The entire franchise is plagued by random product shortages, misguided inventory-to-demand ratios, and long lead-times on restocking.

Link nodded, having found the latch to its entrance as Obi-Wan had been explaining things to Anakin. “Right here. Follow me, but be careful… who knows what things that someone who’s been trapped here for years might be thinking about intruders…” Ashei nodded. “Yes, I agree caution is best.”

He’ll be thinking things like ‘Thank the goddesses you opened the door; I’ve been trapped in here for ages!’ or ‘I was nearly out of food, you got here just in time!’

“The horrors.”

Hell, if I’d heard the door open, I’d have probably come running.

“You would not.  If you found yourself sealed in a room with a few years food, you would have been ecstatic for the excuse to avoid social contact.”

Well.  As long as I had a few books or something, yeah.

And a spare pair of glasses.

The door creaked underneath his touch and he winced as it opened to reveal a staircase going down deeper into the rock.

“Staircases cause Link pain in some way?”

He’s going to be in for a really unfortunate time when they eventually get to the spiral staircases in Ganondor’s tower.

 After having descended the stairs to another door, Link opened that one to reveal a moderately sized storage room that looked considerably cleaner but oddly cluttered rectangular room.

So cleaner in a not at all clean sorta way.  Gotcha.  I bet Sergio lives here.

Metal bookshelves served as storage containers, and save for the ones containing boxes of Zoras scales and halfway finished Zora Tunics, all contained different things that didn’t all pertain to things the shop might have sold seven years ago.

“So these things are unlike the other things?”

Well, the other for-sale things.  Except only the things that were once for sale, we aren’t talking about the other things which may still be for sale.

“Hmm, so are these things for sale, or is it safe to assume that being so different from old sale things that they are in fact private stock?”

It is hard to know.  They don’t pertain to old sale things, but no mention is made of their pertinence to newly for-sale things or the things intrinsic current marketability.  Suffice to say that they are not old stock things, nor even very like them being so completely disparate in every way from those things which were once sold.  But they are things which, by virtue of their variety and type, must be held in storage containers which themselves may or may not be for sale.

“Well, thank you for clearing that up, I was confused there for a moment.”

Non-perishable canned foods were stacked upon the highest shelves, and various traps on the bottom ones.

*Crunchy snags a tin off the shelf* “Bleh, just my luck, tuna.”

Several had things like rats and frogs in them, and all of them looked very hand-made.

Ugh, never buy the floor-model traps.

Ashei guessed that the bottoms had been made from arrows tied together with twine and the metal springs had come from the boxes of cannibalized bombs she had seen up in the storefront.

“Why on earth are there springs in Hylian bombs?”

Why wouldn’t there be?

I mean, how the hell are you going to get that to work without a spring?

Most of the middle shelves contained various crude chemistry sets that were busy making or looked like they could make various things such as soap, powders, and a few unidentifiable liquids.

Welp, we found out where Book’s fully automatic chemistry sets went.

 A few had small candles placed on them that lit the small area well enough for Link and Ashei to dispel their small flames. There was a restroom on their left and another large metal bookshelf on their right, which had a sparkling net of Zora scales attached to it that was strewn across from the shelf to the wall on the opposite side with a piece of twine.

“Why did the merchant trap the bathroom?”

Small shops hate it when people use their bathrooms without buying anything.

A brighter light flickered from the gap beneath it and the floor.

“Monkey!  Go get the shiny!”

Dude, I’m not stupid, I’ll never fall for an obvious trap like that.

“If you fetch me the shiny I will trade you a freshly made cortado.”

*Taco sprints head-first into the net trap trying to reach the shiny object*

As they approached it, however, the door to the restroom behind them opened, and they all whirled around to see who or what was about to enter the room.

Man, that’s how it always is, isn’t it?  Soon as you sit down to do your business the rescue party arrives.

Wide eyes stared into wider eyes as the disheveled Zora that entered the room stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of another living creature that walked upon two legs and spoke a language he understood (or so he assumed).

*SLAM* 

Overwrought description of people! (‘Stupid’ is a language, right?): 84

He wore nothing but a belted blue wrap that hung low against his thin hips, but it was well worn and appeared to at least be mostly clean.

I suppose that means he hasn’t run out of toilet paper, then.

“Please spare me your simian scatological humor.”

He blinked, staring at the faces of the people that had somehow managed to appear in the storeroom without his knowledge until a sparkle of light caught his attention and drew it to the youth that stood in their midst.

I don’t want to know what he was doing in the bathroom that made it impossible to hear four people blundering around in his storeroom.

“There is no reason to believe the person trapped in the shop would be hostile.  Why did they never call out to see who might be present?”

Because Vikki needed to invent some tension.

The youth was the tallest of them all, with golden blonde hair, a carefully composed expression, and striking blue eyes. The youth also wore a familiar green tunic, along with a similarly familiar hat around which a small blue fairy fluttered.

“We know what Link looks like.  Please refrain from adding padding to your scenes of padding.”

The Zora blinked a few more times before clearing his voice in an attempt to speak, for he was still yet shocked at the realization that he was no longer alone.

‘for he was still yet shocked’?  Sweet crap, stop trying to cram extra words into your sentences!

Link… is that… you?” Having only used his voice once or twice a week to curse at his cooking attempts or his chemistry sets, it was rough and scratchy. He hadn’t exactly had anyone to really practice on or converse with in all his days stuck down here.

I talk to myself all the time even when I am adequately socialized.  I imagine that with only myself for company, I’d actually talk more.

The youth frowned for a moment, but then realization dawned on him once he finally made the connection between the Zora before him and the fact that said Zora also happened to know his name.

“Mikau! You’re alive!”

“I see that it just so happens that the shop owner is also the only other Zora who was given a name and dialogue earlier in the story.”

Dickens would be so proud.

Link’s eyes were bright relief.

Suddenly Link’s eyes are bicarbonate?

He hadn’t even thought about whether or not Mikau was still alive, but he knew that it made him terribly happy to know that he hadn’t been trapped in the ice with all the others. Mikau grinned slightly, and the only girl in their company slightly turned her head to Link.

“Despite what fanfiction authors would have us believe, it is possible for characters to do entire actions and not solely ‘slight’ ones.”

“Link? How do you know this person?” She seemed genuinely curious.

But was actually incredibly bored by this inconsequential turn of events.

“We can relate.”

“I met him when I first came to Zora’s Domain,” he explained to his friends, “He was actually the one who gave me the Zora’s Scale!”

As you already mentioned, less than five-hundred words ago, in this very chapter.

The girl turned to Mikau with eyes full of approval.

*Crunchy checks his clipboard*  “I had wondered.  She would be Ishi’s mystery two-o’clock appointment for the ocular draining and vitreous humor favor filtering.  Attending prescribed a course of leeches.”

“Mikau,” Link said sharply enough to catch his attention before continuing on, “these are my friends, Ashei, Anakin, and Obi-Wan.” He gestured to each of them respectively. Mikau nodded. “It’s nice to meet you all, but…” he paused, frowning, “how exactly did you get down here? The entrance has been blocked by red ice for years!”

There’s only one thing in the universe that melts red ice and you just so happen to have a natural source of it behind your city.  Take a wild fucking guess how they got past the door.

Link pulled off his hat and plucked an empty bottle from within it.

“Link could show him something less helpful than a clear empty bottle that at one point held blue flame, but it would take quite an effort to find such an unhelpful object.”

“We went into the Ice Cavern behind the fountain and found some blue fire to melt it. We had to go in there anyway because King Zora was frozen in red ice as well, and…” he grimaced, “it wasn’t like I wanted to leave him that way.”

“King Zora was frozen?” Mikau gasped in quiet incredulousness. “Nayru’s Love, is he all right?”

Link shrugged. “Perfectly fine as far as I can tell. Princess Ruto is alive as well, but she’s no longer in Zora’s Domain. I was informed by the person who rescued her from the ice that she went off to the Water Temple beneath the lake, but that is a place into which I’m afraid I cannot follow.”

Vikki, none of this is new information.  Can you stop re-regurgitating the plot you regurgitated earlier?

Mikau nodded sagely. “Obviously.”

See, even the characters who weren’t there know what happened, can we move on, please!?

He glanced at the nearby Zora Tunics that had been left unfinished, but he sighed and shook his head. “Sadly, I am not all that proficient at sewing Zora scales into fabric the way my wife is… was…” he paused, took a breath, and continued after he took a moment to collect himself. “So as much as I would like to finish one of the tunics for you, I’m afraid that I cannot.”

“So in all the years you were trapped in this room pursuing failed attempts at making blue fire, you never once considered picking up the needle and giving it a go?  Were I your wife I would have thrown myself in the ice voluntarily.”

“King Zora said that there was a set of Zora Armor down here, though,” Ashei muttered, “Surely you know where that is, don’t you?”

Mikau blinked. “Of course I do. But it is most treasured among our people… or at least it was…” He glanced at Link. “I will give it to you, since the King wishes you to have it, but I must explain something to you first. Come, follow me.” He waved them towards the area behind the net of Zora scales.

Oh crap, here comes yet more pointless exposition on how to use a magical item.  Strap in everyone.

Mikau shoved the cloth aside like a curtain, and the others followed in slowly, Link at the front, and Ashei at the rear. On the opposite side of the storeroom existed more storage, but mostly a personal desk area whereupon sat an oil lamp full of oil, some stacked books, a few papers with tidy Zora scribblings, as well as pictures of many of the other Zoras, one capturing the likeness of Mikau with another female Zora that Link assumed to be Mikau’s wife. There were also more books and papers on some of the other shelves above a bed, with traps at the bottom and boxed non-perishable foods up top.

It’s telling that Mikau’s desk just got more description dedicated to it than the vast majority of every other important item, room, or character in the fic thus far.

There was only one box on this side of the room, though, and Mikau pulled it from underneath the desk as the others filtered in, finally bringing out into the middle of the small space and opening the lid.

“We understand, the box is important.  We also know what is in the box, so you can cease trying to sneak up on that information to build suspense.”

Inside lay a gleaming treasure of sturdy blue boots made to look like fins, chain mail from Zora Scales, a pendant bearing the symbol of the Zoras, plus many other goodies that lay buried beneath the box’s initial contents. Mikau looked at it appreciatively.

So the box contains the armor and big ol’ pile of stuff?

“The prose says ‘goodies’ so I would presume it to be confections or the like.”

Not the first material I would have picked to pack a national treasure in, but maybe the Zora really like chocolate melt-aways.

“It doesn’t really surprise me though that King Zora would give this to you.

Then why were you surprised? Hell, you didn’t even think to give him the armor until they brought it up.

 After all, many of Hyrule’s champions have worn this very set of armor before you.”

“And that storied legacy renders the fact that you had to be reminded about the armor by outsiders all the more idiotic.”

He glanced at Link, who seemed slightly surprised to hear this news. “Come, let’s get you dressed.” Mikau glanced at Link’s three companions. “Away with you now, and draw the curtains back if you would, please.”

Mikau being in a hurry to undress Link would be suggestively odd if he weren’t a tailor.

“Did he not say that he was useless with a needle and thread?”

That he did.

Mikau did not miss the look of gratefulness on Link’s face as his companions filed out, and he chuckled.

“You like your privacy, huh?” He whispered with a smile.

“Something like that,” he muttered.

“I suppose if I were to be fellated by a pisceanous erectus, I would want my compatriots to step out of the room.”

Heh, you said erectus.

*Crunchy sighs*

Eventually they got things worked out

*Swenia leans into the room* “Bow chika bow-wow!

and the blue hat that was a part of the Zora Armor ensemble also came with a bottomless pit spell, thus they were able to fit all of Link’s other clothing and gear inside it as well, removing only the Iron Bracelet from his other gauntlets and put them in the new ones with the wrist guards.

*Taco raises his hand at the back of the class*

Weren’t the bottomless hats unique to the Kokiri?

“Darkwraiths!  Release the quote from chapter two!”

After pocketing the map (which Navi had explained to him could go into his hat because all Kokiri hats were spelled to hold almost anything)

“Well, it is not explicit, but it is definitely implied that it is something unique to the Kokiri.”

Vikki!  Proofread your shit!  I was able to remember that and I only read it once during a riff I wrote over a year ago.

Just before Mikau was about the usher Link back out to see his friends, he helped the young hero replace all of his other gear (bow, sword, hammer, as well as his quiver and scabbard respectively) along with his shield.

*SLAM* 

This morning we’ve replaced Link’s ordinary equipment with dark, sparkling Folgers crystals! (Let’s watch!): 85

“Take this too,” he murmured quietly, fusing on a waterproof cap to the quiver he’d found in the Forest Temple, “and this. Trust me, you’ll need it.”

Putting a waterproof cap on a quiver seems a bit like defeating the purpose of a quiver.  You’ve got all this other magical bullshit flying around, why not just spell the quiver not to let the arrows get wet?

“And that is not even touching upon the unlikeliness that the rest of the quiver is watertight despite it now possessing a lid.”

It was the funky looking headpiece that resembled those he’d seen some of the Zora guards wear when he’d first come to Zora’s Domain.

“I am almost certain that ‘headpiece’ does not mean what Vikki assumes it to mean.”

I dunno, I think Link would look quite fetching in a tiara.  Though I think Sidon would wear one better.

“I don’t doubt that,” Link agreed as he ran a hand over the material. It was strong and sturdy, the rough stone texture making Link wonder what it was made of, for all the lightness it seemed to have.

Vikki, you spent a whole paragraph on a desk.  Can you please describe this fucking thing beyond how it feels?

Once ushered outside, his companions seemed to appraise him well for his new attire.

“Your answer is no, no she cannot.”

*Taco sighs* I can’t even force myself to be surprised at this point.

“You look good,” Anakin told him as Mikau was shooing him past the curtains.

“I just want to say that my rates are very affordable.”

Dude, your smut scenes read like mannequin assembly instructions.

“Ah, but you have read them.”

“It’s much better looking than the Goron Tunic.” Mikau chuckled. “But it makes you much more vulnerable to ice and fire attacks as well, so don’t go wearing it anywhere that might be a danger to you, all right?”

Link nodded. “I shall keep that in mind, thank you.”

So he shouldn’t wear it into, and just to pick a random example off the top of my head, a temple loaded with enemies and devious traps?

“Ah, yes, about that…”

Before they left, Link turned to touch Mikau on the shoulder so he might leave him with a sense of hope.

“As shoulder touching is wont to do.”

“Mikau,” he said urgently,

Is there still toilet paper in the bathroom?

“if King Zora was all right after being under that ice for so long, I am sure the other Zoras will be as well. Once the creature in the temple is slain, the ice shall melt, and I am certain everything shall return to normal, at least where Zora’s Domain is concerned.”

“That is a somewhat illogical conclusion.  The King was frozen by magical overheat-ice; everyone else is frozen in a much more mundane way.  It is unlikely any of them would survive the freezing and thawing process.”

Mr. Positivity.

“Frozen fish is better than no fish.”

Mikau smiled a thankful smile in Link’s direction.

*Taco throws himself out of his chair as a thankful smile comes streaking out of the fic*  Hey, watch your aim with that!

“I thank you for that bit of information. However, I think I shall remain here until then, since I have been down here so long, and I would not like to see my fellows trapped beneath the ice sheet as you have. A few more days couldn’t hurt for all the time I’ve spent down here.”

“Provided there is still toilet paper left.”

Naturally.

Beside Link, Ashei frowned.

“How is it you were keeping time, anyway?”

What the fuck is with this fic’s preoccupation with timekeeping!?  Nobody cares how he knows the time!

Mikau gestured to a small digital clock on his desk with a smug grin. “It’s amazing what you can do with cannibalized bomb parts these days, my dear.”

“MacGyver would be so proud.”

They exited Zora’s Domain shortly thereafter.

And so to do we exit this week’s riff!

“That was a rather weak transition.”

Look, I just got back from two weeks off, what do you want from me?

“A double-roughage with Pteranodon blood sprinkled with powdered vermin bone.”

I think I can do that, let’s head over to Lina’s.  Until next week, patrons!


17 Comments on “2310: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Eighteen, Part One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    the obviously blatant stopping place for a cliffhanger before the dungeon item

    Why would the dungeon item be a cliffhanger? It’s not like Vikki’d ever subvert our expectations and have it not be the Longshot…

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “To access maximum capability; place on your dominant hand.
    To equip, unlatch the clasp and press it to the underside of the wrist (or lace through leather loops if wearing gloves or gauntlets) and press the clasp together. The latch will lock automatically. To activate, press the green button, and to deactivate, press the red button. Warning: does not provide alternate sources of oxygen while underwater. It is advised to find such methods before applying while swimming.” Finally, she looked up. “Well, that was informative.”

    “Not to mention unnecessary.”

    Just be glad Vikki didn’t also include the entire end-user license agreement.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Before them lay chaos: boxes were strewn everywhere, some partially demolished, others but a semblance of what they used to be, most of the ones containing weapons and stockpiles for weapons were left untouched, but the ones that had once clearly contained food and other consumables were either completely empty or nearing it.

    Vikki, you do realize that a ‘stockpile’ isn’t an actual physical thing that just exists to put things in, right? It’s a descriptive term of a bunch of items being collected and saved for later.

    “I shall add it to the list.”

    Upon the table where shopkeepers would have conducted their shop-keeping, a kind of crude chemistry set sat surrounded by various things that were blue in color such as powders, fabrics, and even some ice. Ashei frowned at it as she drew closer.

    So here’s a question. Even assuming that the red ice is indeed completely indestructible, if the merchant was really stuck in there for seven years why the hell did he not just fashion some picks and dig through the wall?

  4. BatJamags says:

    “To access maximum capability; place on your dominant hand. To equip, unlatch the clasp and press it to the underside of the wrist (or lace through leather loops if wearing gloves or gauntlets) and press the clasp together. The latch will lock automatically. To activate, press the green button, and to deactivate, press the red button. Warning: does not provide alternate sources of oxygen while underwater. It is advised to find such methods before applying while swimming.”

    Vikki, what is your obsession with unnecessarily detailed explanations of the purpose and functionality of wristwear?

  5. BatJamags says:

    Ah, I see, I think Link utilized the power of bad math to bend reality to his will and produce two extra bottles.

    Let’s not be too harsh. Counting is very difficult. Why, there are people who spend years learning how to do it.

  6. BatJamags says:

    Upon the table where shopkeepers would have conducted their shop-keeping,

    Vikki… You do realize that’s called a counter, right?

    … Right?

    *Sigh*

    • TacoMagic says:

      Shush you!

      *Leaves through the opening through which people pass and loudly un-opens the overly big plank that is hung there to block the opening to people who wish to pass through.*

  7. BatJamags says:

    and one looked like it had been recently emptied.

    The bowl had all the telltale signs of recent emptying, like…

    Uh…

    Well, anyway, I’m pretty sure someone emptied it.

  8. BatJamags says:

    “Staircases cause Link pain in some way?”

    I WARNED YOU ABOUT STAIRS BRO!!!!

    I TOLD YOU DOG!

    IT KEEPS HAPPENING

  9. BatJamags says:

    Several had things like rats and frogs in them, and all of them looked very hand-made.

    Ah, yes, I love handmade frogs.

    Or… unspecified handmade things that are like rats and frogs.

    Or things that are like rats and frogs, where the rats and frogs look handmade, but potentially aren’t.

    • BatJamags says:

      Ashei guessed that the bottoms had been made from arrows tied together with twine and the metal springs had come from the boxes of cannibalized bombs she had seen up in the storefront.

      OK, so we’ve got things that are like rats and frogs (ones which look (but aren’t) handmade), and the rat-and-frog-like-items have bottoms made from arrows and twine and metal springs from bombs that got eaten by other bombs, even though they’re fuse-and-powder-style cherry bombs that don’t have springs in them.

      Now I get it.

  10. BatJamags says:

    “Take this too,” he murmured quietly, fusing on a waterproof cap to the quiver he’d found in the Forest Temple, “and this. Trust me, you’ll need it.”

    It’s dangerous to go alone!


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