2195: By Griffin Law — One Shot

Title: By Griffin Law
Author: moonking
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
Genre: Romance, Drama, and “Dark” (but it’s actually just porn)
URL: Chapter 1 and Chapter 2
Critiqued by: Serketry and AdmiralSakai

–WARNING–
The ‘fic under review today contains highly explicit and bizarre sexual content and… just… ick.

It’s a cold November day in RIFFCON, and the lone janitor makes his rounds, switching on consoles and turning up the thermostat. Seeing another opening…

Morning y’all, I’m Serk- wait…

*SNOP* *SNOP*

Why isn’t this working?

*AdmiralSakai wanders out of another room in a bathrobe and Rainbow Dash slippers and promptly trips over some errant JPEG artifacts*

Dagnabbit!

What’s all this?

Dammit, I’m snopping wrong. Morning, sir.

And a fine morning to you as well!

It won’t be for long, we got another orphan on the scopes.

Oh.

*Sees that it is By Griffin Law*

You had to go and pick this one, didn’t you?

I’m just working down the list.

Yeah, full disclosure, I’ve read this thing cover to cover already, and… well, I won’t say it’s my least favorite clopfic, although I’m not really sure what my least favorite clopfic is since the stories I hate the most aren’t clearly for porn but rather grimdark or edgy ‘fics with a lot of sexual content in them, but…

So it’s tied for least favorite?

Yeah let’s just go with that.

Let’s just go ahead and unpack this, shall we?

tags_bgl

Fimfiction… never change. Oh, anthro, that’s new. And horrible.

Gilda came back to ponyville after spikes eighteenth birthday and got into a fight with him. Spike won the fight and by Griffin law, Gilda was now spikes life long mate.

Because that’s totally how that works.

*Sigh* are we going to write up an animalization doc on griffins- wait, no they’re called griffons– next?

Or just ponies in general, I guess. I’ll have to check around to see if people still think herds are a thing.

Now she lives in the rebuilt library with him.

Rebuilt… library?

Regrown library, maybe?

It’s gonna take a *lot* more than sandpaper and pinesol to make this place habitable again.

I am legitimately unsure if this is a complete invention of the author or if he just sucks that hard at describing the canonical castle.

Twilight and the other were in canterlot trying to find him a way out of the law.

Twilight and… the Other??

They were on a friendship mission, duh!

861971__safe_kingsombra_radianthope_spoiler-colon-comic_spoiler-colon-comicfiendshipismagic1_cursor_idw_transformation_youknowforkids

This is Equestria. You’re going to have to be a lot more specific than just “it’s an eldritch abomination Twilight went on a friendship mission with”.

Final found a photo I liked to be the cover.

I HATE ANTHRO I HATE ANTHRO

-AAAAAAAA! SEND IN EVERYPONY! Fuck it, wake up Daybreaker, nuke it from orbit! I fucking hate anthro!

Although I’m sure you will be terribly disappointed to discover that a scenario involving Gilda in a maid or waitress outfit never actually occurs in the ‘fic.

…figures I’m the only one tidying up around here. And before you ask, NO, I’m QUITE HAPPY with my jumpsuit.

chapter 1

‘Why did I fight her?’ I thought about this

Good question, actually.

And I take it we never find out exactly what this fight was about? Probably something asinine. Wait, are we also in Spike’s POV?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

And if he did have a reason for fighting her it was something completely pointless because I don’t remember at all.

as I looked at my bed with a nude gilda asleep in my bed.

Well this fic wastes no time with the *erp* sauce…

As opposed to looking at your bed with a nude Gilda asleep in another room entirely.

‘She’s done this every night for the last two weeks it needs to end.’ I sighed

Well I for one wholeheartedly agree.

*checks the wordcount* 4k… no, we’re not getting off the hook that easy here…

and walked out of my room and down to the main room of the library. I walked into the kitchen and started to make breakfast for her and me. For her two eggs and a few strips of bacon and for me I warmed up some of the leftover gem stacks.

Why do gems need to be warmed up? And why are they in stacks?

Yeah, they’re usually served by the bowlful.

As I cooked I heard the sounds of paws on hardwood floors.

Ok so this is actually some sort of noncanonical building and not just a really shitty description of the Crystal Castle.

Yeah, this really must be a re…assembled Golden Oaks Library. Alright. Why isn’t Twilight living here, then? She had some pretty strong opinions about living in that crystal castle thing. To the point where they ripped up the burnt-out shell of the library and hung it from the rafters.

That, or it’s just a really, really, really shitty description of the canonical crystal castle.

I would not put it past an author who thinks gems come in ‘stacks’.

I looked to the door and saw gilda in the doorway with a pair of panties and one of my shirts with one elbow showing.

How do you… what? What image is this that supposed to evoke? Did he mean one *shoulder*?

Actually, I’m kind of surprised that ‘half-t-half-long-sleeve’ shirts aren’t a thing that actually exists. Count my blessings, I guess.

Well then you’re just going for the Mad Max look.

Although, I would assume Spike does not himself own panties, so.. Gilda brought those with her but not a shirt?

I wouldn’t put it past him to have… acquired a few pairs over the years.

“Hey, gilda did you sleep well?” She stretched her arms out

slendergilda.png

and walked over to the table “Ya dweeb

Is she… calling him a dweeb, or agreeing and then immediately calling him a dweeb?

It’s been a loong time since I saw Griffon the Brush Off’ and nearly as long a time since I saw Lost Treasure of Griffonstone, but I think Gilda uses the word ‘dweeb’ all of twice in those episodes.

Prepare to hear it incessantly here.

And this fic was written mid- 2017, so they don’t even have the excuse of that they hadn’t seen the latter episode, which gave Gilda much more characterization- and a wider range of insults!

And that would mean the Crystal Castle was already a well-established thing too.

but I want to know why you won’t sleep in the same bed as me so what gives?”

I sighed and looked back to the food. “I’ve told you a thousand times I’m not your mate. The only reason I let you live here is that the other won’t take you in.”

The Other has discerning taste in houseguests.

Welp, looks like we have a recurring outside threat. Probably Chrysalis, though this could just be an author who really hates Starlight Glimmer.

Or he is trying to refer to the Mane Six as a whole and just cannot fucking type.

That said…

…it’s really not that hard for griffons to find a place to crash for a while. This one here’s been living atop the Ponyville schoolhouse for an entire semester.

That said, Gilda’s an egotistical, entitled prick.

Isn’t that griffonkind’s defining racial trait?

Ok, fair.

I finished heating up the food and put them on two plates.

Wait, since when did Golden Oaks have a kitchen? It was literally just the town library, with a small bedroom loft.

The twist……… was that…….. Tirek was secretly working for one of those surprise remodeling shows!

The horror!

I turned and saw that she had the shirt pulled up and was showing me her chest.

I’m not sure what else he was expecting to find under her shirt…

Tits, obviously.

I let my face turn red

…but… what. The. FUCK?! Gilda’s pretty damn confident in herself, runs a small business by herself, and isn’t a sex-crazed submissive!

and closed my eyes tight. “Put the shirt down now!”

Finally Spike and I agree on something.

*Spike spontaneously manifests a police-issue tactical vest and megaphone*

“GILDA, IT DOESN’T NEED TO END LIKE THIS! PUT YOUR HOSTAGE BACK IN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND EVERYONE CAN WALK OUT OF HERE ALIVE!”

“NO! I’m bound by Griffin law to be your mate

And roll credits!

Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you have to up and lose every ounce of self-respect! Unless this is how… ‘moonking’ thinks griffon culture is like. In which case, FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!

Funny you should mention that last bit…

but you’re not keeping up your end. If you’d just gave me the chance I could show you what real fun is you, stupid dweeb!”

DWEEB COUNTER: 2

Poor comma placement aside, is she gonna show him how to… ‘Dance with himself’?

I think I found a ‘fic idea I’d actually like to read even less than this one.

So thanks.

I sighed and put her plate in front of her and sat my plate back on the counter and started to walk out of the room.

So you’re just not gonna eat the breakfast you just cooked up for yourself?

But as I walked passed her she jumped from the chair and grabbed my waist.

“No, you don’t spike this whole week has had me stressed out and like it or not you’re helping me relieve that stress!”

Oh nooo…

She pushed me to the ground and got me into a headlock. I grabbed her arm and grabbed it

Yes, but did you grab it?

and pulled her over me and I jumped on top of her.

Wait, what? I’m not sure how the angles work out on that…

Huh, maybe they are rooming with The Other, and this is just a highly non-Euclidean environment.

It’s basically shitty Judo. Dragon Lord Ember pulled it off, once.

I grabbed her other arm and pinned them down I sat on her hips

…Spike… Stop. This is… this isn’t necessary. We all know where this goes from here…

And it goes there with way more POINTLESS FILLER than you’d expect.

so she couldn’t kick me off. I looked at her face and she was smiling and started to laugh. “What’s so funny?” She looked at me and started to shack her head.

shacking_up

I didn’t figure Spike was one of those people who were aroused by architecture, but, here we are.

Also, while I was sourcing images for the above photoshop I discovered that the ‘gilda’ tag on derpibooru seems to bring out the weird in fanartists to an alarming degree.

“You really don’t don’t know anything about Griffins do you dweeb?”

DWEEB COUNTER: 3

NEITHER DO YOU, NOOKKING!

I looked at her and she was starting to cry. That shocked me and I let her go and got off her. She sat up and was now crying and hugged her legs to her chest.

Yes, but was she cring tearz uv blood?

I sat on my knees and looked at her.

“What don’t I get gilda?” She looked at me and she was now openly crying.

Spike, you’re supposed to be 18, did nopony ever give you The Talk?

And there goes another ‘fic that I might actually want to read less than this one.

I’m… really not sure what to think about that.

“If male beats a griffines

Yeah, it took me a while to figure out what was supposed to be typed there, but that is supposed to be ‘griffoness’.

Which is a word that we totally needed.

then doesn’t breed with her it means that the males just wanted a trophy to saw off to the other males.

To saw off to… because we totally needed overtones of Cupcakes here… And once again, griffons are not god damn animals.

I know you don’t know that but it feels like that and besides. I’ve saved myself for the one who beat me for the last six years.

Wait, what?

I’m having a little bit of a hard time trying to figure out why she says six years and not, like, however many years old she is.

So she’s either 6 years old, or she hasn’t had sex in 6 years… I think? What is she, at troll? Then she’d be 13 human years old and that’s still gross… And if it’s the latter why did she suddenly decide to do this six years ago and not earlier?

So do you just not want me or do you hate me?”

Because those are the only two options.

Spike chooses the 3rd option, to be bafflingly clueless for the entire *fucking* episode!

That’s… a disturbingly accurate summary there, I have to say.

I looked at her and I thought about it. ‘it’s not that I hate her it’s just I don’t know what to do if we end up having a child.’

Yeah that confirms it, nopony ever gave him the talk.

THAT’s the thing that worries him the most about this situation?!

I can actually kinda sympathize: he’s 18, he’s living in his mom’s old house, mooching off her Friendship Tithes or something. He doesn’t have a job, or any prospects in the Equestrian job market. He’s basically trailer trash.

But having a random griffon wandering around helping herself to breakfast is A-OK.

“No, it’s not that it just well I’ve never had a mate before and I’m not too sure what to do.”

Are they going to use the term ‘mate’ for the entire fic? Marriage is a thing in Equestria, ‘spouse’ is a term he should be familiar with. Because as it is, it’s only enforcing the animalization thing, which is ironic, because nookking expressly made them anthro.

Yeah, I dunno what that’s about. I do this myself somewhat in PD because turian bonding isn’t exactly the same thing as marriage in the human sense, but that’s not the case here.

And, wait, now who is talking? It’s a little hard to see with our comments in the way but these last three lines of dialogue were all part of the same paragraph, and yet they are also separated by quotes right next to each other.

Spike’s still talking. Gilda’s evidently had some experience, which sets up the cliche of the 18-year-old virgin shacking up with the ‘experienced’ girl griffines next door.

Yeah, that’s probably right, just because it’s the skeeviest possible interpretation if nothing else.

She looked at me and for a second she just looked at me

Yes, but did she also look at you?

I sent a memo to prep the DRD troopers so that they’ll be prepped for their engagement.

I’m pretty sure they don’t want to go anywhere near this thing, and want to avoid it by not going anywhere near it.

and then in a slip second

A what now?

I don’t even know any more.

she jumped at me and wrapped her arms around me. She wrapped her arms around me

OH FOR REDUNDANCY’S SAKE!

You know what this is reminding of?

DARE I ask?

Shitty song lyrics, with their inherent repetitions. Specifically, Glad You Came, where every line began with the last word of the previous line.

Yeah, you’re right.

and she started to kiss me.

With a beak.

I started to panic but before I knew it I started to kiss her back.

Do you really have this little self-control, Sp- oh it’s Spike who the fuck am I kidding.

Hmm.

Do you really have this little self-control, moonking oh it’s moonking who the fuck am I kidding.”

Fixed it for you.

No, I’m still blaming Spike for this; if Spike’s extant characterization didn’t fit this… archetype so well, nooklicker would have to find somecreature else- and since that would’ve taken *effort*, there’s a chance this schlock wouldn’t have been written at all!

That and Spike being a dragon gives these sort of writers certain… latitudes whose use will become horrifyingly apparent later on.

A few seconds passed and she pulled back and looked at me. I looked down at her and I saw that her hips were nice and wide.

Which shouldn’t matter to you; you’re a dragon, an egg-laying species!

She had a model’s body and her chest was a nice d cup.

Also shouldn’t matter: once again, YOU’RE AN EGG-LAYING REPTILIAN SPECIES! If anything, perhaps the UV color components in her feathers look nice? Good keratinization of the beak? I don’t know what would define draconian beauty.

Not this?

NO NOT THIS!

Also, Spike is just noticing these attributes now after Gilda has been wandering around stark naked all the time?

See ‘Bafflingly Clueless,’ above.

She started to pull back and before she could get too far away I grabbed the back of her head and pulled her back into another kiss.

God fucking dammit, both of you.

She was shocked but soon started to kiss back. I wrapped my arms around her and dug my claws a little into her back and she dug her talons into my back.

Well, there’s your answer to whether I have to make an animalization guide for griffons. I don’t have to make an animalization guide for griffons because it would be EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE OTHER ONE!

Eh, I’ll give nooklicker this one, both dragons and griffons refer to their forelimbs’ phalanges are ‘talons’ or ‘claws.’  

Well, it’s never just one thing, it’s a pattern of behavior.

She pulled back and looked me and we locked eyes.

“Your room or mine?”

Don’t they sleep in the same room?

She doesn’t have a room, that’s why she’s staying here! At the Golden Oaks! With its single bedroom!

And she never actually answers that question and Spike just goes to his room anyway so I guess that takes care of itself.

I smiled and picked her up and started to run the stair

Oh yeah, stairs’ joints lock up if you don’t run them every few weeks.

The fuck?

with my hormones in control.

Oh, so his hormones are running the stair.

Which I suppose is one of the least bad things his hormones could currently be doing, so I’m just gonna let it be.

Yeah, but that musky smell’s gonna seep into the wood, and it’s never coming out.

Oh yeah and speaking of musk, Twilight’s just going to be overjoyed to find out what the two of you were doing in the room she also sleeps in.

She’s living in the castle, remember? Though I bet she’ll be equally displeased to hear what’s going on in her old room.

Oh, good, the awkwardness is prevented by the poor continuity!

I ran up to my door and kicked it open and rushed in.

…There’s no door. Do I really need to provide an interior shot of the library?

Her bedroom was literally just a loft atop the 1st floor’s bookcases. There is no door!

Well not any more there isn’t a door after Spike’s been kicking at it.

Also, Spike doesn’t have a bed, he has a basket.

I rushed over and laid her down on the bed and she pulled my head back to her lips and she pushed her tongue into my mouth. As she did I started to need her left breast and she started to moan into our kiss.

Spike, you don’t need any of this.

I don’t even want any of this. But here I am.

I wrapped my other arm around her shoulders and pushed my back lips harder into the kiss.

His…. back lips?

spikeomorph

Sexy!

Well, shit.

But on one hard squeeze, she pulled back and let out a loud moan.

“Spike get these clothes off and mine and buck my brains out.”

…Buck? Neither of them are ponies. While I wouldn’t doubt both griffons and dragons have their own colloquial terms for good ol’ fuckin’, ‘buckin’ ain’t it.

*That awkward moment where you cannot tell if nooklicker is digging at the bottom of the cliche barrel or is just that bad of a typist.*

I pulled back and lifted the shirt up and saw her chest.

It’s nothing you haven’t seen before, Spike.

Once again I’m a little unclear on what else he was expecting to find under there. Her exposed lungs?

Chest floof?

Great. Now I feel like I need a haircut and a shave again.

I grabbed her right breast and started to lick the other nipple. I took the nipple into my mouth and started to suck on it.

…so… dragons don’t really have lips. Griffons definitely don’t have lips. How… would this even be possible, on both the mechanical level, and on the evolutionary biological level of how griffonipples came to be?

He asked, about a story where creature designs that were originally quadrupedal are given D-cup breasts.

I have my priorities, Admiral.

“H-hey now let up an l-little dweeb.”

DWEEB COUNTER: 4

I didn’t hear her

Despite the dialogue being included in a segment written entirely from your perspective.

and moved my hand from her breast and down to her panties. I started to rub her through panties and she started to squirm.

Wow, we’re really doing this. *looks around nervously*

Where making this HAPEN.

“SPIKE!”

I heard her that time and I pulled back and he took the shirt the rest of the way off. When she looked at me and when she did she looked down and I followed her eyes. I looked down and saw that I was pitching a large tent. I blushed and looked back to her and she was rubbing her hips together.

Bwaah?

Uh. What? The hips are the outside of the pelvic girdle… so unless she’s been in a very traumatic flight accident, I don’t see how that’s possible.

There was much blood and bone shrapnel to be had that day.

I smiled and laid her back down and she didn’t fight me.

I thought she was already laying down? And, uh, yeah, if she was fighting you, this fic would be a whole different category.

When she laid down I moved back down and pulled her panties down. I looked at her flower and it was red and puffy.

Oh. Oh we’re doing this now. How fuckin’ old are you, nooklicker?

Ok, so, this is not an area I have much of any experience in (nor do I want any, comment section) but ‘red and puffy’ does not seem like a sexy term to me. Because you know what I do have prolonged and intimate experience with? ALLERGIES. And ALLERGIES ARE NOT SEXY.

I’ll spare the details, but yes, ‘red and puffy’ isn’t what it’s supposed to look like.

I smiled and wrapped my arms around her hips up and to my face. Her tail fell onto my tent

You know, when most people use ‘pitching a tent’ to describe an erection it’s a one-time thing and they just leave the metaphor after that. The repeated use here makes it seem like Spike has actually brought a small canvas structure with him for sexytimes.

and her wings opened

Oh. Right. Those are a thing that griffons have. Because I legitimately forgot before this point.

How? She’s laying on her back, pressed down against the bed. Either they were splayed out already, or they’re not moving. Also, wingboner.

Right, because heaven forbid we leave any cliche unturned here.

and her head was laying on my pillow and was looking up at me.

As opposed to her elbows looking up at you.

“What are you doing?”

“You. Obviously.”

…what sort of foreplay dialog is that? I mean, for the ‘clueless virgin’ stereotype, Spike seems to be handling himself well enough. Not too much fumbling.

I smiled and stuck my forked tongue out and lick around her pussy and she moaned.

I really gotta pitty Spike there- as his tongue has both taste and scent receptors, that’s gotta be unpleasant.

I circled her pussy and used the fork at the front of my tongue to play with her clit. She moaned even louder and tried to push herself more into me. I gave her what she wanted and pulled her pussy to my lips. I slowly started to push my tongue into her and started to move it around.

Well for porn this is… I guess not terrible? I think it kind of reads like an instruction manual but that’s a comparatively minor sin all told.

She grabbed the covers as I pushed the fork of my tongue deeper and I felt what must be her hymen.

Huh. So much for that previous theory.

It’s almost like the author has no idea what the hell he’s doing.

The second I touched it she squeezed her legs around my head and I heard her start to talk.

“No not like that I want you to break it when we mate.”

Aaaaand we’re back to the weird and creepy and kind of confusing.

No, I can kinda see where she’s coming from here; most people put a lot of… emotional significance in their first time, and being deflowered by a dragon tongue shoved up her vaginal canal really doesn’t seem like the sort of thing she- or anyone- would remember fondly.

And yet nooklicker decided to put it on the Internet for the whole world to see.

I pulled my tongue out and she let my head go and I let her body fall back to the bed. She was breathing hard and I moved off the bed and pulled my shirt and pants and boxers off.

Spike… wears boxers?

Well he doesn’t really seem like a briefs person to me.

That just seems weird to me, I don’t know why. I dunno, I just don’t usually think of Spike as wearing clothes, period.

To quote the show, “Uh, beg pardon… but, uh, we don’t normally wear clothes.”

I turned back to her and her eyes went wide.

“You have two of them?!”

AAAAAND here we go. The other thing that brought this ‘fic to my attention.

Ah. The hemipenes. That weird quirk of reptilian anatomy that’s captivated, well, certain sects of the internet. I’m really not all that surprised. I’ll be even less surprised when nooklicker here doesn’t understand that reptiles- snakes, mostly- can only use one side at a time.

Yeah, this is why I resent the existence of Spike in these ‘fics specifically, though.

I looked down and saw my erections both are the size of a stallion’s the difference is that my head is pointed.

What the fuck does he think a stallion’s penis looks like, a USB port?

It’s blunt, Admiral.

Ok then!

I did not know that!

It was a happier time for us all!

And if Gilda really is a griffon, the general shape shouldn’t be that unusual- a bundle of jagged spines and burs- that is, assuming nooklicker here assumed griffons have, what, feline pizzles?

Well, you know what they say about assuming.

I looked back to her and she was looking down at her flower

[YOU KEEP USING THAT WORD. IT DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.]

Labia. You’re looking at labia, Spike. It’s not some mystery of the universe or anything.

and then back to my erections.

“Um, what are we going to do with the seconded one?”

I vote for a buzzsaw.

I’ll state again, reptiles only use one head or the other at a time! This really isn’t an issue!

I looked at her and blushed. “Well, when I meet with other male dragons they said that it’s rare that a male dragon is born with two.

Uh, what? Oh, so it’s even worse, Spike’s the ‘big dick virgin’ stereotype, too. Wonderful.

The problem with that is each one has one of the two testicles so one with two can shot one load off and go again right away. Then when that one is done well be ready for a third round then a fourth.

I’m getting a bit of a headache just trying to figure out how all of that would be wired internally.

That’s not how it works? Like, at all? That would require, far, far more internal plumbing than would fit comfortably inside the male pelvic girdle- ‘cause, you know, there’s far more than just testes and urethras involved. This would imply two prostates, two sets of seminary glands… there’s just too much stuff in there to double up like this!

I’m completely out of my depth here, but I think everyone in the world of the sane is too.

I don’t know what disturbs me more- riffing this shit, or the fact that I knew all this off the top of my head.

So, what I’m gathering is that a major in biology-

-Mathematical Biology!-

-is like reading the Necronomicon. Sounds about right.

So, as near as I can determine it’s like… a Gatling gun. Made out of dicks.

NOTHING works like this! Not gatling guns, not autocannons, nothing!

*ahem* This has been “Dr. Serketry’s(Citation Needed) Random Animal Pizzle Facts he Half-Remembers from that One Class he Got a B- in a Couple Years Ago.”

And you just know this was… this was nooklicker’s magnum opus. This was his one central tech-startup world-changing idea that inspired him to write the entire ‘fic to accommodate. And it’s… a redundant backup dick.

The ultimate irony is, as a mid-’17 fic, this idea is absolutely not new.

So the problem is get stratified so I don’t really know what to tell you.”

Well if you’re looking to get stratified then Maud Pie’s probably your best bet.

Hey! Leave Maud out of it! She’s happy with Mud Briar.

She looked down to her pussy and then she blushed

A bit late for modesty.

and turned on her stomach and chest pushed her ass in the air. She moved her hands to her ass and pulled her cheeks apart. I saw her puckered ring and her pussy that was dripping wet with arousal.

Ew… if this guy refers to her anus as her ‘rosebud’ I’m walking.

‘Puckered ring’ is another titanically unsexy term. If anything, I’m reminded that I need to replace the rubber seal on the drain in my shower because it’s somehow become waped and doesn’t seat properly.

“Well If that’s the case then why don’t you use that hole as well.

If I weren’t contractually obligated to do this I’d be out the fuckin’ door.

But I want to know if you have anything to use as lube dweeb.”

DWEEB COUNTER: 5

So… yeah, we’re doing this. Because hemipenes double-penetration is A-OK, but heaven forbid nooklicker write porn where one of the characters is quadrupedal.

God what I’d give to be living in that timeline, doomed or not.

I stopped and thought about what she said and I looked at the nightstand and opened the top drawer and pulled a bottle of moisturizer and showed it to her.

Why the fuck does Spike even have that? He’s covered in scales.

All the more reason for lube, duh! Though, moisturizer is actually a fairly poor lube- it’s designed to be absorbed by the skin, after all.

Actually I think it might be Twilight’s moisturizer; Lord knows she probably gets scraped and burned enough on her friendship missions.

Which means Spike can’t even have sex without mooching off of his foster mom.

I’d also like to note that whatever drama surrounding the risk of an unplanned pregnancy is out the window. Unless there’s a pack of rubbers hiding in that drawer too, or something.

Yeah, I’m not even entirely sure if that’s a thing that can happen– surprisingly, the canonical show has not decided yet to comment on the logistics of interspecies sex.

Eh… as this is basically D&Dland, my money’s on the half-dragon template.

Just slap that down over Griffin stats and you’re good to go. CR 6, too.

I’m pretty sure this ‘fic already has a Challenge Rating of “OH HELL NO”.

“Do you think this will work?”

NO.

She looked at the bottle and nodded.

“Ya, that should work.”

I nodded and popped the top bottle and put one hand on her ass and squirted a large glob on top of the pucker. I used my thumb to rub the moisturizer around and in the pucker and then I put the bottle back and got on my knees behind her.

And we’re back to the instruction manual again. The prose here, I have to say, is very dry. Once again I am not entirely sure what I was expecting; certainly not Orc levels of purple prose or anything, but this isn’t it.

I Am Having To Actively Restrain Myself From Leaving Right Now.

“Now if you’re not sure about this then say now.”

Now?

NOW!

“No I’m ready but please push it in slowly ok?”

“Ok.” I lined the heads up with her holes and started to slowly push into her. I pushed passed her hymen easily and hit her womb.

It’s gonna be- yeah I’m not surprised, actually. Man this is really by-the-numbers when it isn’t flaunting its two dicks.

That’s actually the thing that really kind of worries me about the ‘fic. It’s very sexually explicit, but the way the prose is actually set would otherwise make me think that the author was around 10 or 11 when he wrote it. I really hope that isn’t actually the case because JESUS FUCK.

Also, if he’s actually able to to reach past her cervix, he’s probably punched through her anterior wall of her rectum as well. OW.

Yeah I’m still having a hard time visualizing the spatial relationship of everything here and that’s probably for the best.

Yeah, it’s hurting my brain because I know where everything’s supposed to go- on humans, at least- and it’s all subtly wrong.

SUBTLY wrong? SUBTLY wrong???

Her anus was a little harder to enter and tighter than her pussy. I finished pushing into her ass and pussy and let her rest.

Unless your caudal bone articulates, it’s sort of impossible for both dicks to not move at the same pace.

She was breathing hard and when I moved even a little she groaned and moaned at the same time.

Yeah cause she has an 8-10’ foreign body shoved up her ass. I think just about everyone would find that at least mildly uncomfortable. I mean, here I go assuming again that Gilda has a mammalian lower GI tract that would even have a rectum, because the alternative would be Spike sticking a spiny, barbed phallus straight into her descending colon, and OH GOD OW THE SEPSIS!

“Wow, it hurts but feels great at the same time.”

So, just like the ‘fic, minus the feeling great part.

Almost like 50% of these holes were never meant to have stuff shoved into them!

 

 

 

 

 

I smiled and grabbed her hips and pulled her up and her back was now against my chest

Uh… that’s uh… that’s not gonna work, not with how this has gone down… that’s not happening.

and I started to slowly pull her up and let her weight pull her back down. She moaned and I pulled her up a little faster. She reached her arm around me

She’s facing away from him… how does that even work?

Oh god I was right about the Slenderman thing!

and grabbed my other hand and pulled it to her chest. When she did that she fell back to the bed and I was now laying on top of her.

And either you’ve torn both her anus and labia, or your dicks just snapped off. I can see how this would work with only, uh, one of point insertion, but with two, this maneuver is gonna take a lot of coordination between the two of them.

I really, really hope Spike just got one or more dicks snapped off.

Also we’ve got more non-Euclidean geometry going down here. Did they pitch forward and turn completely over or something? Or was I just visualizing this completely wrong from the start?

She’s face-down on the bed, still. I presume.

Well you’ll have to forgive me for not paying close attention.

“Now start and keep it like this.”

They’ve already started. Like, four paragraphs ago!

Yeah, remember when this thing actually had a plot?

It had a plot? Like, in the fic itself?

Ok, fine, claimed to have a plot.

The little one-paragraph summary read more like the setup premise on the back of a porno than anything literarily significant.

Gosh, I wonder why that might be!

“Ok, I’m going to start moving.”

There’s already been more than enough SAN-damaging movement, THANK YOU.

When I said that got back on my knees and I pulled out and slowly pushed back in. He anus

Well THAT’s a twist I didn’t see coming.

It’s the sequel to Flutterbox that ABSOLUTELY NOBODY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WANTED.

was starting to loosen and pussy soaked my lower erection. She was also pushed back against me and we were picking up speed. She was pushing back harder every time I pulled back.

 

 

 

That’s cruelty to good music, Admiral.

Well this ‘fic is cruelty to my brain, so it all balances out.

Each time my hips slapped into her ass her pucker tightened and her pussy would grip my head hard. ‘Sweet sun she’s tight!’

That’s. Not. How. It. Works. Also, ‘sweet sun’? I guess it’s better than actually screaming Celestia’s name, but yeah I suddenly realize why Celestia always looks a little uncomfortable around her subjects.

Yeah, you know, actually in-universe it sounds like one of those bowlderized profanities kids shows try to get away with, like the Celestial version of ‘oh by golly’ or something.

“H-hey spike I’m starting to get close so can you d-do it a little harder-r?”

I smiled and pulled her her onto her knees and I was driving my members into her even harder. She screamed at the top of her lungs when her ass and pussy walls tightened around me almost painfully.

You know, I’m not going to say that this is the Celebrian of My Little Pony because 120 Days of Blueblood is the Celebrian of My Little Pony, but it’s definitely in the same league. Yech.

“AHHHHH!”

She sprayed my crouch

Actually kinda hard to do while being penetrated. Not that nooklicker seems to know that.

Yeah, sprayed.

HIGHLY UNSEXY PHRASING TIMES THREE COMBO!

and she fell to the bed breathing hard. ‘By the sun she’s tight.’

We heard you the first time.

She was so tight that I couldn’t move until she loosens up and I started to move again. She started to moan again and she was tighter than before we started.

Shit, now we’re stuck in a loop.

That’s. Not. How. It. Works. Also, ‘by the sun’? I guess tha- aaaah what a second. Admiral, do you have a strange sense of deja vu?

Yeah, you know, actually in-universe it sounds like one of those bowlderized profanities kids shows try to get away with, like the Celestial version of ‘oh by golly’ or-

Awww, fuck.

With her this tight I feel my end was getting close. “Gilda I’m about to finish so do you want it inside or out?” She was gasping and again she tightens again and that was it. I pushed her down as far as I could and I felt myself push into her womb and I came hard. I saw her eye go wide

Only the one, though.

Kinda hard to see, as she’s face down, embedded in the mattress.

and she let out another scream and I saw her stomach bulge a little.

ALSO HARD TO DO WHEN SHE’S FACE DOWN!

I was kidding about the xenomorph bit up above! I was KIDDING!!!

Also also, no. Just no. Inflation is a phenomenon seen in hentai and other animated porn. Nothing in the real world works like this. At all.

For which I am eternally thankful.

We stayed like that for a few seconds and when I was done I wrapped my arms around her and laid us both down.

YOU

ARE

ALREADY

LAYING

DOWN

She was still breathing hard but closed her wings

Right, because those were a thing that she had.

Depending on where Spike is laying, that would be very difficult.

and pushed her back into my chest.

“O-oh I really need that spike but I’m pretty sure we’ll have a little one on the way now.”

…well shit. Mark another off the goddamn checklist, we gotta have all these cliches packed and shipped by the end of today!

Yeah seriously it does concern me that this author seems to go about all of this so robotically in including so many weird fetishes one-after-the other. It puts me very much in the mind of someone who is too young to understand what he’s writing but is writing it anyway.

I laughed and tightened my hold of her. “Well, I guess that’s fine so want to talk names?”

Loading pillowtalk dialog thread 704-B…

She laughed as I started to pull out of her. I pulled out of her and my cum started to slowly flow out of her pussy and ass.

And onto Twilight’s bedspread.

Initializing stock afterplay sequence 583-A…

“Shut up dweeb

Dweeb count: 6

I’m too tired to think right now so let’s just get some sleep.”

“And maybe write clopfic under the screen name ‘moonking’.”

“Ok ok, a morning nap sounds nice.”

Since neither of them have fucking jobs!

I’m pretty sure fucking is now Gilda’s job.

Because we totally needed that too.

After I said that I heard a soft snoring and I smiled. ‘Maybe this is isn’t so bad.’

No.

It’s worse.

End chapter

Urrrrrgh… I don’t know about you, Admiral, but I need a quick coffee break. Reconvene in five?

Crap. We still have to deal with the ‘fic.

Chapter two

A week had gone by with me and Gilda getting along. To her joy, I would now sleep with her and bucked her a few more times.

Well that was a short honeymoon phase.

Only a few? These are horny teenages –

-Well, we’re assuming Gilda’s a teenager, we really don’t know-

-who just discovered how to have sex properly (for a very loose definition of properly); one would think it’d be nigh impossible to get them to do anything else.

Each time I leave a bulge in her stomach.

That cannot be healthy.

Now Gilda and I were lying in bed naked and a knocking came from the front door.

Yeah that’s what happens when you live in the public library.

We groaned and I tightened my hold on Gilda but the knocking came again.

…nooklicker’s phrasing it like this on purpose, isn’t it.

I think that is giving nooklicker far too much credit.

“Spike just go chase them off like you did with that stallion that smacked my ass.”

Wait, when did this happen?

For once, I think Spike did the right thing. Off-screen.

I… guess?

I keep forgetting that all of the characters are anthro and was trying to figure out how that would work with hoofed quadrupeds.

I’ve basically given up on the setting’s premises, and I’m running this like it’s EqG porn.

I opened my eyes and saw Gilda looking down at the latest bulge with hope.

Ok, so, you know what else is profoundly unsexy? CANCER! And that’s what all this stuff about spontaneously-appearing bulges is making me think of!

But what about ovarian cysts?

Ok, well, that too. Also sexy.

Though in all honesty, there probably is a pregnancy test spell, if not the usual chemical test kit itself.

One would also assume that there’s such a thing as alchemical contraceptives, but these two seem to be actively trying to breed.

Despite being terrible parents.

I smiled and got out of the bed and got my night pants one

Well that’s an odd code phrase.

I wonder if that’s the official name for the President’s pyjama bottoms.

and walked around the bed. I was next to her I leaned down and kissed the side of her lips.

Alright, nooklicker. Why don’t you go ahead and show me just where a griffon’s lips are, mmkay?

I’m waiting

Actually I’m starting to think he just went full anthro where they have humanoid heads too.

Yeah, that’d be incredibly creepy so you’re probably right.

“Be right back tight ass.”

That’s…. Not… wait, that actually might be griffon compliment, going for the greed-based double entendre. Now, the real question is, did nooklicker actually think that through as much as I did?

She tried to cut me with his talons but I ran out of the room.

Wait what? Ok I was wrong.

And Gilda just has a random male griffon’s talons with her because… Cupcakes, I guess.

Oh, I didn’t catch that… the twist continues?

Nah, I’m still going with the Cupcakes option. Because this ‘fic and Cupcakes deserve each other.

“Spike you’re not sleeping in this room for the next week!”

Wow, she really didn’t like that. Huh. For somegriff who’s been calling Spike Dweeb 6 times thus far, she really can’t take a hit.

I smiled and yelled back. “You know you don’t mean that!”

If the pony at the door is Twilight and she discovers what you’ve been doing in her bed it probably won’t be Gilda’s call to make any more.

She didn’t yell back and I checked that up as another win for me. ‘Ten to zero.’

Oh dear Lord.

Fuckin’ really?

So, I guess this is another author who thinks CONSTANT HARASSMENT is equivalent to a healthy relationship.

I walked over to the door and opened it and saw Twilight and the rest of the girls. “Hey, girls how you all doing?” As I talk Twilight smiled widely and held up a book.

Welp, you called it, Admiral. Yeah, Spike, you got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Good, now maybe she can chuck Gilda out of town and lock spike in the shower for about eight days with the water temperature set as cold as possible and restore some sanity to this.

Restore? Then it’d be an anthro fic with a teenage Spike. No, there was never any sanity to be found here.

Yeah good point.

She’ll probably just propose a threesome or something equally hideous.

“We found a way to get Gilda to leave. It said if you don’t have kids with her in three months than the Griffin guard can take her away.”

Um… how fast are griffon gestation periods? Well, for egg-layers, that might make sense. Maybe. Though I highly doubt the eggs’ incubation periods would also be under three months…

So your options are immediately start a family or get fucking ARRESTED. Sure.

When she was done my old love, Rarity

Well that’s highly presumptuous on Spike’s part.

walked over in yet another new dress and smiled at me.

Can the sarcasm nooklicker.

Yeah, that’s our job.

And we’re orders of magnitude better at it.

“Oh, spiky isn’t that great now everything can go back to normal. Our lives will be peaceful again and the feather bag will have to leave.”

Ok excuse me, did the Lost Treasure of Griffonstone actually happen here or not? Hell, Rarity and Gilda got along just fine in the comics! What’s the sudden hostility about?

We’re dealing with anthropomorphic aged-up pornstar versions of the characters here. I think continuity is completely out to lunch by this point.

Also, Rarity, this is Ponyville. Your lives have never been peaceful.

I looked at her angry and they all flinched back but, a pair of arms wrapped around my chest and Gilda spoke up.

That would be a lot less creepy if the arms in question were Gilda’s.

Or if Gilda wasn’t still in the bedroom.

See, I told you I was right about the Slenderman thing.

“Come on Spike how long does it take to chase someone off? I was getting cold without someone to cuddle with.”

They’re called blankets. Use them.

“They’re called clothes. Use them.”

Fixed it for you.

Gilda put her head on my shoulder as she looked at the mares. When she and Rarity looked at each other, Gilda tightened her hold on my chest.

“Hello, miss prissy what do you want with my drake?”

“You can keep him! That prick’s been stealing my panties for years.”

I looked at them all

Splitting his skull in half in the process since they are on different sides of him…

and my mind started to plan mine and Gilda’s escape.

Uh… what? Twilight just offered you an exit strategy, which you probably no longer qualify for…

She hasn’t seen what they two of you did to her bedroom yet, though.

Yeah, but a mop bucket and an incinerator will fix that!

Spike’s immune to fire, the incinerator will only get rid of one of them.

That’s what the mop bucket’s for!

Ok fair.

Twilight’s and Rarity’s wrath would be a storm of no mercy.

I’m pretty sure that sounded cooler in your head, nooklicker. Much like all of this fic.

I saw Gilda smirk at their angry looks and I was a little scared. I looked at her and moved a hand and grabbed her hand on my chest. “Gilda just go lay back down and I’ll be back up in a few minutes ok?” She kissed my cheek and flipped the others off.

I’m seriously not understanding the hostility here… does it have to do with the random fight Spike won?

I smiled and used my tail to slap her ass as she turned.

Douche.

She yelped and tried to swipe my back with her talons. I ducked and she clawed the wall and I laughed. “Eleven to zero.”

Insufferable douche.

“Shut up dweeb!”

DWEEB COUNTER: 7

See, now I could see Twilight and co. stepping in to deal with this obviously unhealthy relationship here; this couple is obviously vacillating between red and blackrom, which can only end in hurt feelings, property damage, and a whole lotta blood. Yeah, one of them needs to step up and shooshpap some sense into Spike… or one of them could stage a conciliatory auspistice intervention to stabilize the vacillations…  But I’m guessing Spike and Gilda will just keep hatefucking each other until the fic’s end.

Where’s Kanaya when you need her…

Or we could pray for our Mirthful Messiahs to descend from on high and bludgeon the lot of them into nonexistance, that sounds like a good plan too.

Gets my vote.

She huffed and stomped up the stairs and I stood all the way up.

Which you were already doing?

What was he doing before, crawling around on his hands and knees?

I looked back Twilight and the girls. Fluttershy had passed out

Rly…?

Because ‘shy’ is the extent of her character.

and Rarity had a dangerous look in her eyes.

“Oh it. Is. ON!”

“Spike! Come on I want to cuddle some more!”

Jegus Criss Gilda show some fuckin’ restraint.

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE IT’S BEEN ALL OF FIVE MINUTES.

I jumped at Gilda’s yelled and looked at the others again. “Sorry, but can all of us talk later. I promise I’ll explain later just let me go deal with her.” Twilight blushed and answered for everypony.

“Ya, go deal with her and well meet up at the castle around four o’clock.”

Wait, so the castle also exists? In addition to the spontaneously-reconstituted Golden Oaks?

 

 

Well, yeah, the castle formed regardless of whether Golden Oaks was reconstructed, or dug up and hung from the rafters; the only change here is what happened to the library’s remains. And of course Twilight’s still irritated, she hates living in the cold, joyless castle.

Oh my god it almost makes sense.

I blushed and looked at them. I saw both Rainbow and Rarity giving me nasty looks.

Good for them.

I closed the door and walked back to our room. I walked into the room but didn’t see Gilda.

“BBBWWAAH!”

Suddenly….. Out of tune guitar chords?

Strangely not out of character for Gilda.

I heard something coming from down the hall. I rushed out of the room and saw the bathroom door open. I rushed over to the door and looked in the room and saw Gilda hugging the toilet. She had been throwing up and I dropped down beside her.

I liked my idea better.

Well that was fast. Maybe the three-month gestation period actually is accurate. To this fic. Because it sure as shit wouldn’t fly in the real world.

And, I reiterate, once again. These two will make for horrible parents.

Eh. Gilda probably would… but not this version.

“Are you ok?!” She looked at me from my yelled

He misspells it like this every time!

and looked back as she was sick again. I rubbed her back and wings as she stopped throwing up then leaned back.

“Sweet mother let this end.”

PLEASE!

I grabbed a hand towel that was on the sink and handed it to her. She took it then cleaned her mouth off then I helped her to paws.

Not her paws or anything, just the random paws he had lying around in his bathroom because Cupcakes.

Probably from the same griffon she got those talons from.

I bet he has the hart on the towel rack from Suicidal Nightmare too.

“Gilda, are you ok?” She looked at me and smiled.

Looks like Spike’s staying strong with the ‘Bafflingly clueless’ option.

“I think we finally have a bundle of joy on the way. That or I ate something really bad last night.”

Which shouldn’t be happening if she’s an egg-laying species and who the fuck am I kidding nooklicker doesn’t know shit about basic anatomy and physiology.  

Nooklicker doesn’t know shit about basically anything.

Honestly why do I even fuckin’ try to explain these things.

I stopped when I heard that and I looked at her face. After a few seconds, I smiled widely and lifted her up by her hips making her yell.

It took him a few seconds to put the pieces together. Yup, that’s our Spike.

“Put me down I just throw my guts up!”

Catastrophic douche.

I keep my smiled

What is with the tense in this fic? It’s like he wrote it third person omniscient, then tried to patch in the first person narrative.

*Clickety clickety clickety*

Huh. His profile doesn’t have a nationality listed and…

Oh.

Hm?

Oh my.

So, a little background. I found this story on a fimfiction community called Temple of Ogaudno that collects the worst of the worst of MLP fanfic, and I also saw a few other stories there like A Sweet Night, A Night at Harshwhinny’s, and Gohan in Equestria that I recognized from other badfic communities.

It turns out that moonking wrote all of them.

Huh. So we got ourselves a legendary piece of shit, here.

Well that explains that then. This isn’t the Celebrian of My Little Pony, it’s the EclpisePheniox of My Little Pony.

Shit, I feel a bit honored now. Like standing before a 200-car pileup, or something.

Also it’s worth noting that this particular story somehow has 100 likes to 33 dislikes.

Ah fimfiction.net, never fucking change.

then put her back down. She was smiling too and pulled me back to the bedroom.

Are they really going to fuck right after Gilda puked her entire stomach contents out?

When she walked in and sat down on the bed and looked down at her stomach. I smiled and sat down beside her and put a hand on her stomach. She put a hand over mine and leaned into me with a happy smile.

And now they’re… saccharine.

Why.

The extra pressure triggered another set of contractions and she puked on the bed. The end.

I don’t know how long we sat there but after a while, more knocking came from our front door. Both of us growled and stood up.

“I swear if it’s that damn Ms. Prissy I’ll tear her a new one.”

You do realize she’s about fifteen years older than you, right?

And wields an Element of Harmony.

And can just straight-up telekinetically pick you up and carry you around like a recalcitrant cat.

I mean I supposed we should be thankful there’s no implied shipping going on with Sweetie Belle. And I also hope to gog above I didn’t just jinx us.

I looked at her as we got to the door and I grabbed the handle. “Now Gilda if you really do have a child in you you’ll leave the tearing to me.”

Whaaaat?

Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

She laughed and I opened the door to see a site I didn’t expect.

EquestriaDaily.com?

Three Griffin guards and the Griffin prince all with unhappy looks.

The griffon prince. Not just any griffon prince. THE griffon prince. The one that doesn’t fucking exist because Griffonstone has no government.

Not one of the griffon lords

…but The Griffon Prince.

Of all the things in this fic, why is this pissing me off so much?

I dunno, maybe because this character literally just exists as a paper target for Spike to look badass in front of.

Spike couldn’t ‘badass’ his way out of a wet paper bag.

The prince walked up and tried to grab her but I stepped in front of her. He looked pissed and back off.

“Gilda the Griffin by my royal order you will fight me.”

You and what government?

Is that even a thing he can do? They’re in Equestria.

And if he can order her to fight can he also just order her to lose?

No no no, you gotta keep it looking sporting for the peasantry.

I growled and smoke came out of the sides of my mouth and my nose. They all took a step back and I walked out the door. I closed it with Gilda still inside the house.

In the kitchen where she belongs, I guess.

I was as tall as big mac

Really now. I find that a little hard to believe.

so I stood over the small prince and his guards by six inches.

Except griffons are typically bigger than ponies. By a significant margin.

The prince and all his guards are exactly the same height, apparently.

Also I figure the author is American because those are Imperial units.

Or British.

Either way, the tenses are inexcusable.

I breathe some fire out of the sides of my mouth to scare them

As opposed to breathing it out your ass.

Seeing as griffons and dragons live on the same landmass, I’m sure this isn’t anything the royal guard haven’t seen before. And there’re three of them.

and that was the effect I wanted. “She is mine. I beat her in a fair fight and she has my child in her womb. So, if you want her you better kill me right here and now.” Through his fear, a small buff of courage came through.

“I-I’m a prince a-and as such I-I have the right to any g-griffin I-I want.”

Now I can see what Gilda meant by everygriff just wanting to make enough bits to buy a one-way ticket out of Griffonstone, if that’s how the ‘government’ works. And does this prince not have a fuckin’ name?

That would require him to get any description whatsoever.

I let out another breath of fire and that was it. They all turn tail and flew away in absolute fear.

Wusses, all of ‘em. THIS IS WHY GRIFFONSTONE FELL! Y’ALL SHOULD BE ASHAMED!

#MGGA?

Then something in me snapped and I sent a stream of fire after the four. I burned their tails as they fly away

I.e. you committed assault on a foreign dignitary.

and I wished I had my wings

Ok, the one good thing this fic’s age gives us: no goddamn wings.

Although it did predict he would eventually get wings.

Oh come on, practically everyone predicted he’d eventually get wings.

Ok, good, so I don’t have to worry about any of the rest of this shit actually coming true.

so I could chase after them. I snorted in anger while walking back to my and Gilda’s house

That Twilight paid for.

and found her watching them leave through a window. She looked at me with a smile and jumped on me when I was next to her.

“You are a total bad drake!”

*Sakai grabs Serketry’s squeegee and starts wiping the splatters of wish-fulfillment off of the primary ‘fic viewport*

Admiral, leave the cleaning to me.

It kind of alarms me that this shit is written in so much more of an obviously masturbatory manner than the actual porn.

I smiled and put my hands on her hips and keep her from falling back to the ground.

Um. What? Why?

I laughed and walked us back into the main room. I looked at the clock and saw it was almost two so we had to start getting ready to meet the others.

It takes them two hours to get ready for a meeting on the other side of Ponyville?

Spike’s morning routine consists of nothing but flexing in the mirror for two hours.

I am not kidding.

Also this means you were lying in bed fucking for the entire morning and most of the afternoon.

let her down and she looked up at me confused as to why I put her down. “We need to get dressed and get some lunch before we meet the others at the castle.

No… she just threw up a bunch of times, lunch is the last thing she wants in her stomach.

Plus, I want to go get a cake to celebrate this.”

A bit premature for a baby shower, Spike.

To celebrate… what, lighting Griffon Prince McGriffonprinceface’s tail on fire?

She smiled and we walked upstairs to get ready. I put on a green shirt and purple jacket with black jeans.

Purple. Jacket. No wonder Rarity’s pissed at him.

The 90s called, Spike.

They don’t want that outfit back.

Also, does this mean he was naked when he went to answer the door?

I thought that was implied. Hence the awkwardness and tension.

Gilda put on a tank top with one of my shirts on and mini shorts.

Agan, does she not own any of her own shirts?

Her chest took up most of the shirt

Which is what shirts are generally designed to do.

and I could see her stomach along with the top of her hips. I couldn’t help but look at her and she smirked and turned around opening her wings. Then I saw it wasn’t my shirt and more. On the back was the word Spikes territory with an arrow pointing to her ass.

Yeah, I’m sure those exist IRL too.

“Like what you see Spike?”

No, it’s incredibly trashy and I feel my fashion sense evaporation just because I’m in the same room with it.

Better than an lower back tattoo. But it’s still tacky as shit.

I blushed and she smirked with a faint blush from being little joke.

Bwaah?

That’s it, I’m calling in the DRD.

And now I can’t help but read the entire rest of the ‘fic in a bad Russian accent.

We left the library and when to a new dinner near the train station.

Dinner’s usually served around 6? And I guess train stations have those giant clocks? SOUND LOGIC.

Yes, but this is a new dinner, which is actually lunch but just called dinner.

We walked through town for the first time together in two weeks and many stallions looked at Gilda.

So when was it that some random stallion smacked Gilda’s ass, and Spike had to throw down? Did the asshole in question show up at the library?

Given the wearable flashbangs the two of you are sporting I’m surprised it was just the stallions.

I saw a few drooling as they looked at her chest and ass with a lot of lust. I guess many of them saw what I did earlier and stayed away from us.

“Wow, Spike look at them their scared shitless of you now.”

*Fresh gouts of wish-fulfilment spurt forth from within the ‘fic to completely obscure the viewport.*

I’ll get a fresh mop head from storage, don’t worry.

I looked at Gilda as we walked into the dinner. We sat at the counter and I saw some stallion looking at Gilda from the back. the seats were close so I wrapped my tail around the back of her chair and her waist. They all looked away from us.

Yeah, making out in public generally causes people to do that.

We got our food and eat. She got a stack of pancakes and I got eggs sunny side up. We eat I paid and we left and walked to the castle.

Paid with what?

Well that sure added a lot.

“Hey, Spike what are we going to do if the griffin prince comes back?”

I looked at her and smiled while extending my claws.

They’re not retractable. They’re just talons.

“My claws aren’t for show you know. I bet I could tear through their armor like wet paper.”

Because why would the warlike civilization that lives right next to dragons invest in armor that’s resistant to dragon claws?

And provide troops with anti-dragon combat training?

Yeah, Spike’s gonna die horribly.

Please?

She laughed and leaned into me as we walked in front of the castle. We stopped at the front steps and looked up at the castle of my sister.

Wait. Wait. Hold the fuck up. His SISTER?

That, or the Castle of the Two Sisters has needed to go through some downsizing.

BUT THAT’S THE ONE IN THE EVERFREE FOREST!

 

Yeah, the specifics of the relationship between Twilight and Spike are strange, strained, and stupid; but the comics and the show have all but settled on called Twilight Spike’s mum.  NOT HIS SISTER.

“Hey, Spike your early.”

“That’s funny, Gilda’s late!”

I’ll clock out and pick up my pink slip.

I think the ‘fic had it coming.

So to speak.

I looked up and I saw rainbow on a cloud.

As opposed to a rainbow in the dark.

So… Rainbow Dash just doing her thing? What’s so special about that?

It’s special because she was in severe danger of fading back into the quantum foam and thereby avoiding being in this ‘fic.

She looked down at us and I saw her smile turn into a frown she saw Gilda.

“Feather bag.”

“Trader.”

OOOOOOOOOhhhhhh, Gilda just called RD… wealthy and well-travelled?

Wait, isn’t this Twilight? They’re at her castle?

No, this is RD. Twilight isn’t even in this scene.

Wait, WHAT? I thought that rainbow was, like, an actualy fuckin’ saccarine rainbow?

No, that’s the character, Rainbow Dash.

But it’s not capitalized or anything? FUCK IT, WE’RE ALMOST DONE!

I grabbed Gilda’s talons and she looked at me as I shook my head. I leaned closer to her head and spoke so only she’d hear me. “Think of the little one you may be carrying Gilda.”

Why?

Why is that relevant?

Now, or at all?

She gripped my hand tightly with her talons. I could real her talons trying to dig into my scales.

She looked down at her stomach as Rainbow flew down in front of us.

“Well come on in.”

To… where? The cast- oh, the fic just ends there. Guess it didn’t matter all that much.

And just like that the ‘fic kind of… peters out.

WOW. Hopy SHIT that was bad.

Once again I… don’t really know what level I’m supposed to be engaging this thing on, because on one hand-

-With one hand, obviously-

-it reads like the sort of ‘I’m so awesome look at me’ shit a 10-year-old kid would write and seems to have the attention span to match, but on the other it’s very sexually explicit and I don’t like the fact that those two things have been combined.

Yeah, but it’s boilerplate sexually explicit, hitting all the beats one after another, mechanically, joylessly, mindlessly thrusting onward from scene to scene without any regard for timing, good taste, or the readers’ enjoyment.

You know what it reminds me of is like a very low-effort South Park episode, or a morning-zoo radio show. It wants to be offensive and shocking, but can’t figure out how to do it in a way that’s novel or at all interesting and tries to make up for that in volume– which I think is what gives it that childish vibe.

I am actually not at all surprised that this guy wrote other infamous stories like A Sweet Night if he really does think like this… I’m also not at all surprised that his stories which aren’t primarily focused on sex (I wanted to say ‘don’t contain sex’ but all of his stories seem to devolve to it sooner or later) are edgelord ‘AWESUM’ self-inserts and crossovers.

That Gohan in Equestria looks like it might be fun to riff- only because I’m sure MLP has out-DBZ’d DBZ at this point.

I began this riff saying I was unsure if the ‘fic was puerile in a misogynistic sort of way or misogynistic in a puerile sort of way, but now I think I have the answer: it’s just puerile, and any misogyny in it is just stuff the author picked up from the T-shirts in his local Spencer’s Gifts and never bothered to think through.

So who’re the bigger fools here, Admiral? nooklicker, for cranking this shit out? Or us, for expending the neurons trying to put thought into this vacuous dreck?

I think the biggest fools are the 100 people who liked the story.

Yup. Yup.

…So… Admiral. While you’re here…

One a scale of ‘one’ to ‘very’, how susceptible to infiltration would you say RIFFcon is? Asking for a friend.

A friend who is a changeling spy.

But that’s not what I am.

I am not a changeling.

I’d say very. In fact, the best way to get into the facility would be through the south runoff duct. I put a bunch of warning signs up saying that the pipe in question leads to a tank full of radioactive waste, but those are just to keep people out. It’s perfectly safe. I promise!

*scribble scribble scribble*

…noted.

And before we go…

You know, I’m not feeling the metal today, Admiral.

moonking is mental, maybe. But nothing metal.

No, no. I got this.

Griffons.

Are BETTER.

THAN THIS SHIT!

 


50 Comments on “2195: By Griffin Law — One Shot”

  1. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    –WARNING–
    The ‘fic under review today contains highly explicit and bizarre sexual content and… just… ick.

    Is it better, or worse, than Sweet Apple Massacre?

    …why did I remind myself of that?

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Probably not as bad just in terms of gross-factor, but Sweet Apple Massacre knew what it was trying to be and did it more or less successfully despite the goal ultimately being a profoundly stupid one.

      This just fails at every turn.

  2. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    Ah. The hemipenes. That weird quirk of reptilian anatomy that’s captivated, well, certain sects of the internet. I’m really not all that surprised. I’ll be even less surprised when nooklicker here doesn’t understand that reptiles- snakes, mostly- can only use one side at a time.

    …wait, what?!

    • GhostCat says:

      And they are sometimes barbed or hooked, a trait that increases a male’s chances of reproducing by decreasing the chances that another male will slip in and impregnate the female. YOu don’t really see a lot of fanfics mentioning that little biological quirk.

      • Serketry says:

        I guess I should have mentioned that feline pizzles are also incredibly spiny, for similar reasons, so Gilda was probably fine with those. Well, as fine as anyone could possibly be, being sodomized by a cactus.
        Why do I know this.

        • GhostCat says:

          There’s a couple of different mammalian species with penile spines, including our closest relatives the chimpanzees. I’m really glad that’s not a gift evolution decided to pass on to humans.

  3. Anne Eyewitness says:

    By Griffin Law

    Wow, this is almost as bad as the time I met Gary Coleman in Mexico!

  4. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    Huh. His profile doesn’t have a nationality listed and…

    Oh.

    Hm?

    Oh my.

    So, a little background. I found this story on a fimfiction community called Temple of Ogaudno that collects the worst of the worst of MLP fanfic, and I also saw a few other stories there like A Sweet Night, A Night at Harshwhinny’s, and Gohan in Equestria that I recognized from other badfic communities.

    It turns out that moonking wrote all of them.

    HOW?! How do you suck that badly?!

  5. Serketry says:

    I kinda forgot until after I sent the script off to the Admiral, but we actually already *have* a scantily-clad humanized Gilda…

    And she’s BADASS. Making this fic ENTIRELY POINTLESS!

  6. BatJamags says:

    *Walks in with a cup of coffee*

    Genre: Romance, Drama, and “Dark” (but it’s actually just porn)

    –WARNING–
    The ‘fic under review today contains highly explicit and bizarre sexual content and… just… ick.

    *Sighs heavily and goes back for more*

  7. BatJamags says:

    Final found a photo I liked to be the cover.

    … What were the ones you didn’t like?

  8. BatJamags says:

    as I looked at my bed with a nude gilda asleep in my bed.

    Alright, so you could do worse.

  9. BatJamags says:

    “NO! I’m bound by Griffin law to be your mate

    Funny you should mention that. I’m actually bound by riffin’ law to hate this fic.

  10. BatJamags says:

    Yes, but was she cring tearz uv blood?

    “fuck off!” we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.

  11. BatJamags says:

    she jumped at me and wrapped her arms around me. She wrapped her arms around me

    And for some strange reason, she also stole forty cakes while she was doing it.

  12. BatJamags says:

    Great. Now I feel like I need a haircut and a shave again.

    Two bits?

  13. BatJamags says:

    So, as near as I can determine it’s like… a Gatling gun. Made out of dicks.

    Well, there’s a sentence.

  14. Delta XIII says:

    2206: By Griffin Law — One Shot

    Did I accidentally time travel again, or have we skipped twelve entries?

  15. BatJamags says:

    I smiled and grabbed her hips and pulled her up and her back was now against my chest

    *Stares at that while silently gesticulating for a moment before grabbing a sheet of paper and making a few crude stick figure drawings*

    *Looks up*

    Author… People don’t bend that way. Nothing bends that way.

  16. BatJamags says:

    Flutterbox

    What is-

    You know what? I know better than to ask that question. Never mind.

  17. BatJamags says:

    You know, I’m not going to say that this is the Celebrian of My Little Pony because 120 Days of Blueblood is the Celebrian of My Little Pony, but it’s definitely in the same league. Yech.

    This is all poorly described, but it’s basically just bland, consensual smut. Gross? Sure, I guess, but not really Celebrian-tier. Plus, the main thing that makes Celebrian so awful is how ungodly long it is.

    Uh… so to speak.

  18. BatJamags says:

    “O-oh I really need that spike but I’m pretty sure we’ll have a little one on the way now.”

    Well, that was fast. How the hell would you know?

  19. BatJamags says:

    Well, that was stupid. At least there’s not a-

    Chapter two

    No.

    No.

    That’s not true! That’s impossible!

  20. BatJamags says:

    Twilight’s and Rarity’s wrath would be a storm of no mercy.

    Is that kind of like a storm full of dangerous fires of Hell that no-one survives from?

  21. BatJamags says:

    See, now I could see Twilight and co. stepping in to deal with this obviously unhealthy relationship here; this couple is obviously vacillating between red and blackrom, which can only end in hurt feelings, property damage, and a whole lotta blood. Yeah, one of them needs to step up and shooshpap some sense into Spike… or one of them could stage a conciliatory auspistice intervention to stabilize the vacillations… But I’m guessing Spike and Gilda will just keep hatefucking each other until the fic’s end.

    Aaaaaaaand… there it is. My Homestuck headache is back. Thanks, Serk.

  22. BatJamags says:

    I jumped at Gilda’s yelled and looked at the others again. “Sorry, but can all of us talk later. I promise I’ll explain later just let me go deal with her.” Twilight blushed and answered for everypony.

    Well, yeah, the castle formed regardless of whether Golden Oaks was reconstructed, or dug up and hung from the rafters; the only change here is what happened to the library’s remains. And of course Twilight’s still irritated, she hates living in the cold, joyless castle.

    Oh my god it almost makes sense.

    I blushed and looked at them. I saw both Rainbow and Rarity giving me nasty looks.

    *Loads Door launcher*

    Doesn’t matter. None of it’s going to exist in a moment.

    • BatJamags says:

      I blushed and she smirked with a faint blush from being little joke.

      That’s a twofer.

      *Rides into battle atop Cerbersheep while wildly firing doors into the air*

  23. BatJamags says:

    Well that explains that then. This isn’t the Celebrian of My Little Pony, it’s the EclpisePheniox of My Little Pony.

    Well, that’s a depressing sentence to read.

  24. BatJamags says:

    I put on a green shirt and purple jacket with black jeans.

    *Gets out PCC-Brand™ Fashion Sense Analyzer Device™ and holds it up to the fic*

    *The FSAD™ returns a match*

    … Fascinating.

  25. BatJamags says:

    I looked up and I saw rainbow on a cloud.

    *Pauses in the middle of Cerbersheep-mounted rampage*

    A rainbow? Pot of gold! Let’s go get it, Cerbs!

  26. Delta XIII says:

    Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
    Genre: Romance, Drama, and “Dark” (but it’s actually just porn)

  27. jordan glaser says:

    That is just bad porn. Like, really bad and it mangles characterization.


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