2194: Mandalorian Effect – Chapter 2

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with…

Shit.

I was kind of hoping it was just a bad dream.

Well guys here’s the next chapter!

No, really? This is the next chapter? I could never have guessed. I mean, I suppose in hindsight, the fact that the words stopped at the end of the last chapter and then I clicked on the “next chapter” button and then the words started here could’ve been subtle foreshadowing, but if so, it flew right over my head. In fact, I’m not sure there was any way for you to clarify this except through an author’s note. Really, you’re doing the entire fanfiction community a public service here. I-

*Gets spritzed with water by GoodJamags*

GoodJamags: Down, boy.

Also I’d like to answer a few questions.

Oh, then I’ll pitch a few out there for you:

What makes you think that anyone will find this completely unoriginal concept interesting?

If you think the Mandalorians are so cool, then why did you give them technology that comes from everyone else?

Why is every goddamn badficcer a Talimancer? LEAVE POOR TALI ALONE!

Why does your OC have such a stupid name?

Why is your OC’s right-hand droid named after the Nazi party’s military arm?

Why is that random character you introduced at the end of that last chapter named so similarly to the Salarian councilor?

Why can’t you get the canon right? It’s pretty in-depth, but nothing a few Wookieepedia searches couldn’t clear up.

What is even the point of this fic existing? If I wanted to watch an obnoxious Stu from another galaxy chasing after Tali, I’d go read Parallel Realities again.

First off Bobba and the clones will NOT be in this story.

I sort of assumed that would be the case since Boba’s stuck in a giant sand-slug and the clones are not actually Mandalorians; I don’t care what Karen Traviss thinks.

Why?

I just explained why.

Because although it is an AU some things will still be the same such as Bobba got eaten by a giant sand worm and the clones stopped being made after the end of the clone wars.

Inaccurate. Many Stormtroopers were clones, just not of Jango Fett, and their numbers were supplemented with normal recruits (or rather they supplemented the numbers of the normal recruits, who made up the bulk of the Stormtrooper Corps*). And for what it’s worth, Boba Fett (one “b”) actually survived falling into the Sarlacc. One of the perks of being “digested over a thousand years” is that you’ve got plenty of time to figure out how to escape before it kills you.

*In the old EU, the Stormtroopers were not the Imperial Army. They were something more akin to the Marine Corps for the U.S. Military – a smaller and somewhat more prestigious force with a slightly different combat role. The actual Imperial Army was basically just an occupation force that was not really equipped for fighting the Rebels (Though they did crew some of the heavier land vehicles in the movies and stuff). This distinction was actually recanonized by Solo: A Star Wars Story. The dudes in the grey armor on the muddy planet are the Imperial Army.

Also if you do have suggestions for the story than feel free to send them via review or PM.

I have a suggestion: come up with an original fucking plot instead of imitating every other hackneyed Mass Effect crossover. Personally, I would’ve gone with the Reapers invading the Star Wars galaxy. Then maybe some Jedi get sent through to the Milky Way to find someone who knows how to beat them and bring that person back to help with the fight.

Or if Andromeda’s your thing, have that turn out to be the Star Wars galaxy.

It had been over three hours since Alren had sent over his Councilor to negotiate and he was getting impatient though it didn’t show.

If you’re the man in charge, shouldn’t you at least deign to be present for negotiations? Or, I don’t know, request regular updates? Exchange pleasantries over the holo? Anything?

Everyone in the fleet was still ready should conflict break out but Alren was confident it wouldn’t happen.

Because…

BLUE, I guess.

Despite what other’s may say the military leader of the Mandalorian people knew that they needed the quarians help.

To do what? Bash the Citadel council? Float around in space? With your Stu’d-up fleet, there’s not much that you can’t do that the quarians can help you with.

They knew this Galaxy and its inhabitants and if the people of Mandalore wanted to find a new home it was best to have a guide and maybe what could one day be a powerful alliance.

Unless everyone else hates them and won’t even let them build a settlement.

And I’m hearing a lot about how the Mandos need the quarians, but nothing about why the quarians would need or want to babysit a mob of unpredictably violent thugs being led by a bunch of terrorists.

Then one of his officer’s ran up to him stopping to stand at attention.

One of his officer’s what? Because this is how my mind works, I’m going to go the bow chicka bow wow route and assume it was his officer’s penis “standing at attention.”

“Sir the Councilor is on his way back to the Malevolence but has informed us that he is bringing a young quarian on board.

Rael’Zorah: Oh, hello, heavily armed species I know nothing about! Why, yes, I’d be glad to send my only daughter alone to your flagship!

And really. You’re actually calling your Malevolence knock-off the Malevolence? You realize what that word means, right?

Oh, right. Death Watch. Never mind.

Plus he has left behind the youngest member of his guard with the quarians. He didn’t say why but he will explain once they arrive.”

Seems like a fair trade: an admiral’s daughter (who is likely still a child) for some random grunt.

“Alright warrior thank you for the information. I want a squad of commando droids with me right now. I’m heading down to greet our new guest.” Ordered Alren.

And this requires a squad of heavily-armed murderbots… why?

Oh. Right. Death Watch.

A few minutes later and Alren was on an express elevator heading to the hangar that they would be landing in. On the way the young mandalorian leader was trying to decipher what Councilor Velirn intended by bringing one of the quarians over to the ship. The Councilor always thought outside the box and was a little quirky but that’s why Alren gave him his position. He wanted people in charge that could actually think for themselves and see the big picture instead of just following the crowd and being constant ‘yes men.’

Which is why they’re all members of a group that blindly follows ancient Mandalorian traditions because “Herp derp Great Great Great Great Grandpa tried to conquer the galaxy and viciously kill anyone in his way and then he got killed by Jedi so I should do all that too I guess.”

A few minutes later and the small group of droids and one mandalorian had arrived at the hangar just in time to see the transport shuttle land.

Convenient timing is just grand, isn’t it?

Walking towards the opening ramp Alren stands in a relaxed manner as his squad of commando droids fall in along side him. When the ramp finally opens the first to come out is the small escort of mandalorian warriors Alren had sent with Councilor Velirn minus one as was said earlier. Then out stepped the Councilor himself with a young quarian right beside him.

And Mando Stu can immediately identify Tali WHO IN THE WORLD COULD THAT BE as young because…

Uh…

Well, anyway…

The Councilor was an elderly looking man looking to be in his mid to late fifties with short grey hair and slightly wrinkled tan skin. He stood slightly shorter than Alren and had kind dark brown eyes as he led the quarian off the ship.

But he had different eyes at different times?

Crunchy, have you been feeding eyeballs to your mercenaries again?

Said Quarian was even shorter than the Councilor and wearing a purple suit that covered her entire form but was skin tight allowing him to identify the gender.

Thanks for clearing that up, author. It would’ve been really hard to figure out how he knew what gender she was otherwise.

All he could really focus on though was the glowing purple eyes behind the glass face of her helmet.

And yet the first thing the narration told us he noticed was that her suit was skintight.

Don’t lie to me, author. I’ll know.

She also seemed to be very nervous upon seeing Alren and his company of droids.

I would be, too. If I were a probably-not-adult-yet and I got yoinked away to meet a dangerous warlord and found him surrounded by a company (!) of combat mechs, that would make me very nervous. I’m kinda weird like that.

“Ah Alren how good of you to meet us here.” Spoke the Councilor in a happy tone.
Of course, you could’ve met them at the actual fucking meeting, but your schedule was filled up with posing next to a window and looking dramatic while the narration prattled on about your idiotic thoughts.

“No problem Councilor. Now mind explaining to me why you brought a quarian on board and left one of my warriors with them?” Asked Alren in a polite yet strict tone.

Mando Stu: Because that sounds kind of like a monumentally fucking stupid thing to do. More for them than for us, because now we have a valuable hostage and they have whichever idiot drew the short straw, but this feels like the product of Alexei Rozhenko Negotiation Tactics.

“Ah yes about that. I’ve come up with a sort of cultural exchange between us.

*Rubs temples*

I’m going to hate this, aren’t I?

They will hold on to the young man for six months time and teach him about their ways and culture while we do the same with this young lady here. If all goes well we could have a potential alliance with the quarians that will benefit both species.” Stated the Councilor a little proud of his accomplishment.

As first contact strategies go, it’s not the stupidest I’ve ever heard, but it is vastly inefficient compared to normal diplomacy.

Thinking this over Alren could see the benefits of such a program. Not only would it help the two get along better but could end up making the two species closer in the long run which is something he would definitely appreciate.

Through the experiences of… two random people.

Then he turned to the Quarian herself and she squirmed a bit under his helmeted gaze.

I feel for you, Tali, but try to show a little dignity in the face of this Stu’d-up prick.

Taking notice of her discomfort Alren removed his helmet and handed it to one of the commando droids as he walked up to the quarian girl and started to kindly speak to her.

“Kindly?” See, author, there you go lying to me again. I don’t appreciate that.

“Can I have your name miss?”

What if her name’s a bull’s eye?

Commas, author. Also, titles are capitalized.

“T-t-tali. Tali’Zorah nar Rayya.”

See, this is another thing that pisses me off about Talimancer Badficcers. Tali is not a stuttering mess most of the time. She’s actually kind of a badass. A kind, easily excitable, and admittedly sort of adorable badass, but still a badass. The wallflower routine stops being cute when you inflate it into being her entire character. That aspect mostly only surfaces in the romance arc, but that’s all these fics really use her character for anyway, so why should they bother capturing any other aspect of her personality, right?

*Grinds teeth*

“And may I ask, how old are you and why were you chosen for this experiment?”

In ME1, she was twenty-one, and – I repeat for the sake of ME fic-writers everywhere – decidedly not an adult. Pilgrimage is a rite of passage, which means you’re not an adult until you’re done with it.

It was here that the Councilor stepped in to answer.

Oh, shut up. I already don’t like you.

“Ah she is the daughter of one of the Admiral’s of the fleet who are basically the leaders of their people.

No “basically” about it.

And Tali here is fifteen just like yourself.”

So not even an adult by human standards. I’m watching you, Mando Stu.

While Alren nodded at this Tali was staring wide eyed at Alren wondering how they could let a mere child lead his entire people and not be fazed by it in the least.

He’s a Stu, Tali. Remember how Stupard was commanding wars at age five? Don’t let his bullshit throw you off. Stay focused on getting out of the fic.

Instead of keeping it to herself she actually spoke her thoughts out loud.

*Alarms blare*

Just to amuse myself, I’ve actually set up a DRD trap that will actually work.

*Brings up security camera feed of DRD agents*

The gentleman with the sniper rifle is Commander Vincent Shepard, who’s kindly volunteered to help with DRD-repelling duties. He’s cloaked right now, but you’ll see him in three, two, one…

*Headshotting ensues*

“Keelah! How can they let you run this entire fleet!? Your no older than I am!”

Tali, you know that’s going to make him go into a self-righteous Stu lecture.

All eyes turned to her in an instant and she began to get very uncomfortable, especially when she saw the droids and mandalorians reaching for their weapons.

WHO DARES QUESTION THE STU?!

But a hand motion from Alren was all it took to put them at ease once more.

If you’re trying to make me like him, you’re failing.

Turning towards her Alren looked at her with a gaze she had only seen on the eldest of quarian’s.

The eldest of quarian’s what? Cats? I thought quarians weren’t allowed to keep pets.

Specifically the ones who had fought the Geth and had lived to tell about it.

Well, I suppose if these are geth-slaying cats, that kind of changes things.

GoodJamags: Ooh, is he a cat like Raya Sue?

SHEPARD!

*BLAM!*

*GoodJamags’ now-headless smoking corpse tumbles to the ground*

I gotta get me one of those.

*Examines corpse*

I really gotta get me one of those.

*Alarms blare*

Shepard:

Shepard: I should go.

Wait! Wait! First say the thing!

Shepard: *Heavy sigh*

Shepard: *Monotone* I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my least favorite fanfiction on the internet.

*Cackles hysterically*

“They let me lead them because out of everyone in this fleet I am the only one brave enough to take the responsibility.

You underestimate the power of Mandalorian egos.

Believe it or not Tali but this fleet before you is what remains of my people. Our planet was destroyed by a mad man who saw us as a threat to his rule and tried to wipe us out. While my people were lost and broken I knew someone would have to take charge and bring our people back from the brink. Sure I was just a boy at the time and it was an uphill battle to earn my peoples loyalty and respect but it was well worth it. That, is why they allow me to lead them. Now enough of this talk of my leadership. You were sent here to learn Mandalorian culture correct? Well from now on I will personally be teaching you our ways. Come.” Said Alren before taking his helmet from the commando droid that held it and began walking away from the group.

Yeah, yeah, self-righteous Stu speech. That’s what you get for asking him easy questions, Tali!

As Alren walked back to the express elevator Tali stood in shock for a few moment’s before finally realizing that she was to follow the young leader.

*Snaps fingers in front of Tali’s visor*

This version of you is a little slow on the uptake, isn’t it?

Quickly catching up to him.

Writing a sentence fragment.

Standing beside him in the lift Tali could not stop herself from taking glances at this man who while so young was leading his people better than most people twice his age could.

NO! NO GLANCES!

*SLAM!*

Oh, sure, it all starts with glances. Then the Stufluence takes hold, and then we go into full-on Talimancer mode. Next thing you know, GoodJamags thinks you’re both cats. And that makes me try to kill him again. And that makes him tranquilize me. And that makes Kane feed me to  while I’m asleep. Do you want to know how unpleasant that is?

Very. It is very unpleasant.

He had definitely earned her respect

By doing what? Bragging about what a totes awesome leader you guys he is?

and just maybe if things turned out alright they could help her people take back their hoe from the Geth.

Tali, you’re getting a little ahead of yourself.

*Sigh*

The Stufluence already got to you, didn’t it? I’ll get the shotgun. Let’s make this quick before Vincent sees.

Shepard: Sees what?

Uh… nothing!

-6 months later-

It had been six months since Tali had boarded the Malevolence and met it’s young leader.

*Alarms blare*

Go deal with the DRD! I promise I won’t shoot anyone! Not even with the Door Launcher!

After he took over her teaching personally Tali had learned a great many things of the mandalorian people and had grown to admire such a strong people whose loyalty to their home was unquestionable.

In the immortal words of Cassandra Pentaghast, bullshit!

*SLAM!*

*Shepard raises an eyebrow*

Look, I-

*Headshotted in the head*

At first Alren had only taught her the history of his people and how many great battles they had fought in. She was especially interested in their conflict with these ‘jedi’ who were feared by many others in their Galaxy and yet the Mandalorians were able to go toe to toe with them.

While we’re quoting Cassandra, *Disgusted noise*.

It was during the last few weeks that he began to teach her the warrior ways of his people and needless to say it was rough.

Yeah, rough in that “Am I really putting up with these idiots?” sort of way.

Alren pushed Tali to her limits and beyond, not treating her any different than if he was training a new mandalorian warrior recruit.

And then she gets hurt and causes a diplomatic incident, right?

She actually kind of appreciated it as being the daughter of an Admiral had other’s treating her like she was made of glass.

And yet in canon, she gets fucking shot (which, due to the sketchy quarian immune system, can basically be a death sentence even on a flesh wound) and takes it like a champ, presumably shaking or killing her attackers, getting to a med center, and being up and about chucking grenades at Fist’s goons shortly thereafter.

“Made of glass” my ass.

Right now was to be her final session with Alren before she would be heading back to the flotilla where negotiations would resume once more and the fate of both races would be decided from there.

Will the Mandalorians conquer you, commit genocide against you, or decide you’re not worth their time?

Alren lashed out with a left jab that Tali quickly blocked with her forearm but was caught off guard when he grabbed said forearm and threw her over his shoulder. Tali managed to recover in midair and land on her feet. Rushing her Alren tried for a low kick which Tali jumped over before trying to land an axe kick that was blocked by the mans crossed arms. Then with a quick shove Alren threw her back. Tali used this moment to gain some distance by doing a backhand spring.

*Yawn*

The two stared at each other still in their fighting stances before Alren eased himself out of it quickly followed by Tali.

If you’re going to have a boring sparring scene, at least finish sparring. Don’t just stop in the middle of it. It’s like Avengers: Infinity War going on for two and a half hours and still not being able to fit in an actual ending. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was an excellent first half of a movie, but you’d think with that runtime they’d be able to fit in the whole thing.

“Very good Tali. You have come a long way and would have made a fine mandalorian warrior.

Hm. Compassionate, sane, competent leader, and favors gadgets and technology over weapons and armor. No, she would’ve been a shitty Mando.

One day you may even give me a run for my money.” Said Alren happily as he removed his helmet.

The Stu? Ha! Yeah, no. The only “run” you should be giving him is when you run away to get out of the fic *nudge nudge*.

He had been fighting in full gear the entire time and he was happy to take off his helmet to get a breather. She had managed to get him to actually sweat a bit during that spar.

Ooh, the Stu sweat. Brilliant.

“That’s only because your a good teacher Alren.” Responded Tali.

Shit. The Stufluence got you bad, didn’t it?

*Looks over shoulder*

*Slowly gets out shotgun from under desk*

Look, there’s only one way to get you out of there now, and that’s to go full Old Yeller. So I’m just going to *Omnibladed*

*Respawns*

Motherfucking stealth.

Her usual environmental suit had some modifications done to it in her time on the Malevolence.

FL1P

Cause now her suit was fitted with mandalorian iron plating on her forearms, shins and chest that was form fitting. Her helmet even fot an upgrade as it had been equipped with a face plate similar to a mandalorian’s helmet that could be deployed in combat. Said Face plate was quickly lifted at the end of the spar.

Oh, so it’s almost all cosmetic except for a few pointless bits of beskar (Mandalorian Iron – basically really tough metal that’s hard for even lightsabers to cut through).

“Well today’s the day my young student.

Don’t make me haul out the Young Justice clip again. Those are a pain in the ass to find on YouTube.

After today we may never see each-other again or just maybe both of our people can work together and help each-other.

But probably the Mandos will just invade the Fleet.

Whatever the case it was great having you here princess.” Said Alren with a little smirk at the end since he used the little nickname he had given her.

BAAAAAAAA!

Give ‘im an extra gonging for me, Cerbs!

And by “for me” I mean “for that stupid ass-nickname.”

“Keelah Alren! I told you to stop calling me that!”

And with good reason! Aside from the technical inaccuracy, it really doesn’t suit her at all. Stu, stop trying to be Han Solo, because it just makes you look like an idiot.

“Oh I know. I just never agreed not to.”

Captain Unattributed is kind of a prick like that.

Watch out, evildoers! It’s THE BADFIC SUPERTEAM!
Captain Obvious!
Molderman!
Situationally-Specific-Powers Man!
Some others I probably forgot!
And introducing…

CAPTAIN UNATTRIBUTED!

Unknown to Alren, Tali was blushing under her mask.

YOU FUCKING BLUS- *tranquilized*

GoodJamags: Don’t worry, Shep. Kane and I’ve got this one covered.

Kane: We must transport the troglodyte quickly.  hungers and the patrons await the continuation of the riff.

She had grown very close to Alren over the time she had spent learning under him and could honestly admit she had a crush on the young leader.

*Respawns*

*Shivers*

Right, so Tali’s done for. I’ll have to hold out for another bastion of rationality.

She would never say it aloud though as she didn’t feel that this would be the right time. Maybe later down the road but until then she decided to hold her tongue.

Double, double, toil and trouble. Something regurgitated this way comes.

After getting cleaned up Tali tried to return the armor Alren had given her but he declined and told her she had earned the right to keep it. The two then went back to the same hangar that Tali had arrived in to see Councilor Velirn and the same escort he had when he first went over to the Migrant Fleet all ready to go.

Author, try to be more enthusiastic about your plot than I am.

fter a final goodbye hug from the quarian women Tali entered the ship with the others and was off back to her people’s fleet. Looking to the side he sees one of his warriors without their helmet on smiling at him mischievously.

I sense incoming “humor.”

“What?”

“Oh nothing, just wondering when your gonna finally just drop the ball and kiss your little quarian student.”

Sometime after she becomes capable of taking her helmet off without serious risk to her own health and/or life?

Blushing slightly Alren smacked the man upside the head before walking off to go back to the bridge of the ship.

You’re going to die slightly.

*Starts dual wielding the Door launcher and Benny the Imaginary Pistol*

Nobody to protect you. Let’s go, ya Mandalorian fuck.

*One epic but horribly one-sided thirty-second battle later*

I’ll cycle him through the respawners so we can get the fic back on track.

He really hoped that negotiations went well and Councilor Velirn could negotiate an alliance of some sort.

Mandalorians aren’t interested in alliances, they’re interested in facing off against the baddest motherfuckers in town for bragging rights, which the Mandos then claim even if they lose. And they always lose.

Though one cool thing the Mandos have done is stealthily give a massive fuck-you to the Sith. As I said, they want to get into a fight with the baddest motherfuckers in town. They also almost always ally with the Sith against the Jedi. Do the math. Though I’m sure the Sith really don’t care as long as they’ve got a bunch of ultraviolent henchmen to deploy.

It was over an hour later that he got a call from the Councilor. Almost instantly the Concilor’s hologram was displayed and the giant smile that threatened to split his face gave lren the impression that things had went over well.

This was a false impression, however, as the “Councilor” (What council is he on?!) had actually been Joker gassed.

“So Councilor what is the verdict?” Asked Alren with a hint of anticipation in his voice.

Discount Salarian Councilor: Guilty. We’re still not sure when it became a trial, but somebody’s guilty of something, dammit!

*Insert your own political jokes here*

“Sir I am proud to say that we have a treaty with the Quarians. No longer will we be known as the Migrant Fleet and the Mandalorian Fleet, but we are now known as the Unison Fleet. With the Malevolence as the flagship.”

That is so monumentally fucking stupid I can’t actually look at it without my brain imploding. This is the second singularity I’ve created this week!

Alren’s face now matched Velirn’s with a giant smile.

He’s been Joker gassed too? Remind me to send Mistah J a thank-you card.

He couldn’t have gotten any better news. Then his thoughts drifted to what he ahd learned about Tali’s people and their very weak immune systems, plus their lower tech. After ending the call with Councilor Velirn, Alren contacted the republic cruiser that held his scientist and medical staff with one of the staff instantly accepting the call and appearing via hologram.

I see where this is going and this guy is trying so fucking hard to be Stupard and it’s actually kind of adorable.

“Ah Sir Alren! What can we do for you today sir?”

He’s not a knight of any sort.

“I have a job for your team Jenos.”

“Oh? And what might that be Sir?”

Space magic because we say so?

“It involves our new friends. Now how long do you think it will take to fix an entire species immune system?” Asked Alren wondering what the future holds for the newly formed Unison Fleet.

Yep.

Well there you guys go.

Here I go indeed! I’m out, man! Gonezo!

Remember review and/or PM me any ideas you may have for the story or your thoughts on it.

Here’s one for you: Write. Better.

Until then, Nicranger out!

Like I said two snark-lines ago, so am I!

*SLAM!*


69 Comments on “2194: Mandalorian Effect – Chapter 2”

  1. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    Inaccurate. Many Stormtroopers were clones, just not of Jango Fett, and their numbers were supplemented with normal recruits (or rather they supplemented the numbers of the normal recruits, who made up the bulk of the Stormtrooper Corps*). And for what it’s worth, Boba Fett (one “b”) actually survived falling into the Sarlacc. One of the perks of being “digested over a thousand years” is that you’ve got plenty of time to figure out how to escape before it kills you.

    According to Battlefront 2 (the old one that is), part of the reason the Jango Fett clones were not used after 12 BBY had to do with a Clone Rebellion. Turns out a bunch of Kamanoins created an army to oppose the Empire, and were destroyed.

    But I guess utilizing any potentially surviving “anti-clones” would’ve been too complicated to include (although in fairness, any survivors were executed, but I’m trying to make a point).

    • BatJamags says:

      Presumably, that incident indicated that the Kaminoans were chafing under Imperial rule, which made their clone production much less reliable than it was for the Republic. That, and they couldn’t put out troops in the numbers the Empire needed. The clones were a fairly specialized strike force created to fight a specific enemy, so there were only a few million of them – not much bigger than some of the larger real-life militaries. The Imperial military was a more general and omnipresent subjugation force. I’m not sure about precise numbers, but the EU in particular tends to play up their sheer size in a way it doesn’t for the Clone Army.

  2. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    And I’m hearing a lot about how the Mandos need the quarians, but nothing about why the quarians would need or want to babysit a mob of unpredictably violent thugs being led by a bunch of terrorists.

    Knowing this fic, Geth curbstomp via Malavolence 1.5 cannon.

    Although that’d be complicated by the amount of Commando Droids utilized by the Suedos, but I feel it isn’t gonna be mentioned in any significant way.

  3. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    And really. You’re actually calling your Malevolence knock-off the Malevolence? You realize what that word means, right?

    Oh, right. Death Watch. Never mind.

    The author: Why should I call my sued up Malavolence? I know-the Malavolance 2! Now how to get Iago Vizsla to charge Tali’s Ion Engine…

    • ZuesKillerProductions says:

      And this requires a squad of heavily-armed murderbots… why?

      Oh. Right. Death Watch.

      I know I’m gonna be disappointed, but I just want to see the Quarians reconsider thier allied for having skinny Geth-like droids.

      Because trying to appeal to a race that was driven out of thier home world by sentient machines with commando droids will only FAIL.

      • crazyminh says:

        Deathwatch? These guys?

      • ZuesKillerProductions says:

        Yeah. Space Marine Chapter that is utilized as Deamon hunters.

        • crazyminh says:

          Err…no???

          It’s Colonel John Rico as depicted in the animated Starship Troopers movie from last year.

          Starship Troopers: Traitor of Mars. The one that FINALLY put proper power armour in Starship Troopers after TWENTY YEARS of either no PA or poor PA (SST: Invasion).

          The writing’s shit, but I recommend watching it. If only for the fucking awesome battle scenes, and the really well-done animation.

          It also has the actors who played Dizzy and Rico in the original 1997 film reprising their characters in voice. Don’t ask about Dizzy. Yes, she’s dead. No, this is not set before or during the original film. No, she dies in the original book by Heinlein, and she is a he in the original book.

          But still. It’s pretty awesome.

        • crazyminh says:

          If you meant the picture in the referenced post, that’s deathwatch the alien killers, not the Grey Knights, who are the Daemon Hunters.

          I was referring to my profile pic, which you commented on.

  4. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    As first contact strategies go, it’s not the stupidest I’ve ever heard, but it is vastly inefficient compared to normal diplomacy.

    I’m pretty sure this is just so we can have warrior Quarians and Tali bedding with Iago’s firm “Warriorhood.”

    That being said, how come I’ve never heard of that strategy until now?

    • BatJamags says:

      First: Yep, basically.

      Second: Now that I think about it, it’s pretty much (a significantly less logical version of) the plot of Jack Kirby’s Fourth World comics from the ’70s. I highly doubt it’s an intentional ripoff, since the author doesn’t strike me as having good enough taste to be familiar with post-Marvel Jack Kirby, but it’s not totally unprecedented.

  5. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    -6 months later-

    The author: What? You want me to go into how this arrangement works? NO! I want Warrior Quarians and Tali being dominated by Iago’s large manhood NOW!

  6. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    “What?”

    “Oh nothing, just wondering when your gonna finally just drop the ball and kiss your little quarian student.”

    Iago: What? Kissing?! Don’t peg me for some kind of sissy…when I do express my feeling, I’m going to charge up her Ion Engine so hard, she’ll wake Mandalore the Preserver!

    Darth Watch guy: Hells yeah! Hey, how about we check on the Asari chicks after this?

    Iago: Sure thing, I’m buying.

  7. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    “Sir I am proud to say that we have a treaty with the Quarians. No longer will we be known as the Migrant Fleet and the Mandalorian Fleet, but we are now known as the Unison Fleet. With the Malevolence as the flagship.”

    That is so monumentally fucking stupid I can’t actually look at it without my brain imploding. This is the second singularity I’ve created this week!

    Congrats, now you’re part of a race ostrisized by the council for breaking sentient AI laws. Have fun with that.

    …who am I kidding here, he probably would relish the challenge.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Sir the Councilor is on his way back to the Malevolence but has informed us that he is bringing a young quarian on board.

    Rael’Zorah: Oh, hello, heavily armed species I know nothing about! Why, yes, I’d be glad to send my only daughter alone to your flagship!

    At least I’m hoping that’s what he said, and not “Where are you taking my daughter you psychos?!”.

  9. ZuesKillerProductions says:

    He couldn’t have gotten any better news. Then his thoughts drifted to what he ahd learned about Tali’s people and their very weak immune systems, plus their lower tech. After ending the call with Councilor Velirn, Alren contacted the republic cruiser that held his scientist and medical staff with one of the staff instantly accepting the call and appearing via hologram.

    I see where this is going and this guy is trying so fucking hard to be Stupard and it’s actually kind of adorable.

    Oh come on, I admit Iago’s a hell of a sue, but there’s no way he can get any wor-

    “It involves our new friends. Now how long do you think it will take to fix an entire species immune system?” Asked Alren wondering what the future holds for the newly formed Unison Fleet.

    …I stand corrected. I guess there’s only one real answer to this:

    SPESS MAHRINES! TODAY IS TEH DAY WE FIGHT OUR FOE…

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Walking towards the opening ramp Alren stands in a relaxed manner as his squad of commando droids fall in along side him. When the ramp finally opens the first to come out is the small escort of mandalorian warriors Alren had sent with Councilor Velirn minus one as was said earlier. Then out stepped the Councilor himself with a young quarian right beside him.

    And Mando Stu can immediately identify Tali WHO IN THE WORLD COULD THAT BE as young because…

    Uh…

    Well, anyway…

    Presumably because she’s smaller.

    Except I can’t recall this guy ever having seen any other quarians before so for all he knows the adults are naturally that size.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Turning towards her Alren looked at her with a gaze she had only seen on the eldest of quarian’s.

    The eldest of quarian’s what? Cats? I thought quarians weren’t allowed to keep pets.

    Specifically the ones who had fought the Geth and had lived to tell about it.

    Wait a minute, quarians live three hundred years???

    • BatJamags says:

      Well, Quarians have gotten in smaller fights with the geth since the Morning War, though if that’s what the author meant I assume he wouldn’t have specified that it’s only the “eldest” of Quarians.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    Believe it or not Tali but this fleet before you is what remains of my people. Our planet was destroyed by a mad man who saw us as a threat to his rule and tried to wipe us out. While my people were lost and broken I knew someone would have to take charge and bring our people back from the brink. Sure I was just a boy at the time and it was an uphill battle to earn my peoples loyalty and respect but it was well worth it. That, is why they allow me to lead them. Now enough of this talk of my leadership. You were sent here to learn Mandalorian culture correct? Well from now on I will personally be teaching you our ways. Come.” Said Alren before taking his helmet from the commando droid that held it and began walking away from the group.

    Yeah, yeah, self-righteous Stu speech.

    In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he wrote a book about his… struggle.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    and just maybe if things turned out alright they could help her people take back their hoe from the Geth.

    Yes, it turns out the ultimate cause of the Morning War was a single piece of pilfered farm equipment.

  14. Anne Eyewitness says:

    And for what it’s worth, Boba Fett (one “b”) actually survived falling into the Sarlacc.

    He hopped right out, right before he fell back in.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    After today we may never see each-other again or just maybe both of our people can work together and help each-other.

    OMGWTFhyphens?

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    No longer will we be known as the Migrant Fleet and the Mandalorian Fleet, but we are now known as the Unison Fleet.

    It sounds like some sort of obscure New Wave band.

  17. ME-Iron-Maiden says:

    Alren lashed out with a left jab that Tali quickly blocked with her forearm but was caught off guard when he grabbed said forearm and threw her over his shoulder. Tali managed to recover in midair and land on her feet. Rushing her Alren tried for a low kick which Tali jumped over before trying to land an axe kick that was blocked by the mans crossed arms. Then with a quick shove Alren threw her back. Tali used this moment to gain some distance by doing a backhand spring.

    And here we have a pointless fight scene that also makes little sense at all in how things go down.

    First off: why is this even here? It adds nothing to the narrative, there’s no tension, no subtle ways of displaying a character’s personality, and it’s basically taking up word count.

    Second: why in hell is Tali fighting like a human? I could see an asari picking up human martial arts since our limbs are more or less the same and the techniques would likely translate quite well to their anatomy and physiology. But a quarian? Judging from how their legs are shaped, they appear to be digitigrade bipeds which means their skeletal and muscular layout is going to be significantly different than a human’s when it comes to their legs. That means movements that are strong for a human aren’t likely to work nearly as well for the quarian. For example: one of the most powerful kicks a human can do is a roundhouse kick using the shin as the impact point. Getting hit with one of those is almost like getting hit by a baseball bat and it can do temendous damage. It’s also not uncommon to see professional fighters break their own legs with that kick if/when it gets properly checked by a savvy opponent.

    Case in point: the following video. WARNING: this video contains raw footage of people severely injuring themselves; viewer discretion advised.

    Now let’s think about digitigrade creatures: that long bit that connects to what we consider the feet of such animals? That long bit is their actual foot bones and the paws are really the equivalent of fingers and toes. That means those bones are very likely to not be as dense or strong as a human shin and thus more prone to breakage.Not sure if this would apply to quarians, but if we assume they are digitigrade (and this appears to be the case with how their legs are shaped), then it really boggles the mind as to why she’s learning how to fight like a human. A better route would have been to have her fight using techniques she would have learned as part of her preparations for going on Pilgrimage and then showing how she adapts to fighting against an opponent she hasn’t faced before. After all, Tali is a highly intelligent badass who can rack up a higher body count than Garrus from time to time (usually if the enemies are Geth) so it would make more sense for her to use what she knows and adjust to what she sees coming her way rather than having her train from the ground up in a fighting style developed by a species that has a much different anatomical layout.

    This isn’t even getting into the stupid shit like using a back handspring as an evasive maneuver when simply backpedaling and circling is more efficient and less dangerous (because if your hands slip, you just gave yourself a piledriver, numbnuts).

    TL;DR: Badfic writer is an idiot when it comes to martial arts.

    Aside: I’m not sure this explains why so many ME badfics come from the Talimancers… but let us not forget that the first major fanfic that made an impression was a Talimancer Self-Insert fic that seems to have opened Pandora’s Box. Just sayin’. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get out of here before I have to start dodging Alma.

    • crazyminh says:

      Talimancer? Wait…

      Oh…context is a bitch.

      Shit, people are really THAT obsessed with a character who you never see without any bare skin/facial features?

      That’s basically like wanting to fuck Isaac.

      This dude:

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I’m sure it exists somewhere on ff.net.

      • ME-Iron-Maiden says:

        For some reason the worst/creepiest fanfic writers are focused on Tali. Not sure what it is, but I suspect it’s because she’s so adorable and the status of the quarian people as exiles tends to bring out the “knight in shining armor” wanna-bes.

        Now I like Tali a lot, but I feel more like a protective elder brother toward her than a potential lover. For BroShep, I ship either Liara (yes, BioWare basically shoved that one in our faces starting with ME1, but it does fit the space opera style better than Ash does, not to mention being with Liara means you get to have Matriarch Aethyta as the most badass and awesome in-law ever) or Jack (one of the most heartfelt of the romance options in my opinion, given that Jack has finally found the peace and love she so badly needs).

        • ME-Iron-Maiden says:

          Case in point regarding Talimancer badfics (which I call Talimancer Specials): check out the riff of Mass Effected, featuring Kye-Stu nar Dumbass. Herr and I both riffed it, but he completed his version while mine hasn’t been fully submitted to the Library as I riffed it on another site at nearly the same time. If you go to the reviews of that fic, you’ll see me spend two posts detailing a point-by-point list of where the fic sucked. Incidentally, the author dropped off the face of the Earth not long after I sent that 2-part review.

      • ZuesKillerProductions says:

        I’m guessing you haven’t read the Parallel Realities riff yet.

        I highly suggest doing so. It’s…eye opening.

  18. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    It was during the last few weeks that he began to teach her the warrior ways of his people and needless to say it was rough.

    And now her education is complete, her education…of death.

  19. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    And yet in canon, she gets fucking shot (which, due to the sketchy quarian immune system, can basically be a death sentence even on a flesh wound) and takes it like a champ, presumably shaking or killing her attackers

    Oh, there’s no “presumably” about it. Mass Effect Homeworlds actually detailed how she did it. She trapped the turian that shot her in an incinerator and burned him to death.

    • ZuesKillerProductions says:

      HOLY SHIT

      • ME-Iron-Maiden says:

        Yeah. Tali is a grade-A badass. It was only her naivete that led her to be caught in that trap by Fist’s thugs. Hell, even without the comic, think of what she did when she figured out she was set up: she dropped a flashbang and got ready to fight her way out of it. Granted, she probably wouldn’t have survived if Shep and crew hadn’t intervened, but she isn’t some shrinking violet damsel in distress.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.