2103: Halos in Space Trilogy

Title: Halo: Halos in Space, Halo: Halos in Space 2: Aliens attack, Halos in Space: Reflection
Author: squirrelking
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: SciFi/Adventure
URL: 1, 2, 3
Critiqued by Delta XIII

As the old saying goes, “familiarity breeds contempt”, and I have become very familiar with the works of EclipsePheniox over the last…
*checks date of Chapter 1 riff*
…dear God, it’s been over a year.

Anyway, after eleven chapters of Maya and Raider, I need to cleanse my palate, so I’ve decided to go back to a nice, familiar comfort zone: the works of the illustrious squirrelking!

Today, I will be riffing all three of the Halo fics he’s written, partly because they’re short enough that I can put them all together without padding things out too much, and partly because I need a concentrated dose of So Bad It’s Good to get back in the right mindset.

Oh, and, no Pettiness Sin counter this time; that’s exclusively an EP riff thing.

So, without further ado:

EVERYTHING WRONG
WITH
squirrelking’s Halo Trilogy

(spoilers?)
(probably not)

 

Halo: Halos in Space

*BLARING ALARMS BLARE*
This has got to be some kind of record. (1)
Oh, and, if you’re curious about the trap I’m using, well…
*SOUNDS OF GENERAL CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION*
I’ve been replaying the Mass Effect trilogy lately, and my Vanguard Shepard needed some target practice.

Joe Chief

Joe Chief? Oh, I can already tell I’m gonna enjoy this! (2)

was in space and had wepons

Did he also have cigarets? (3)

and was a army guy but he wasnt a robot liek Master Chief

Master Chief is not a robot. (4)

so he didnt fly.

Master Chief cannot fly. (I mean, unless he has a Jetpack, but that didn’t exist in the games until Halo: Reach, which came out in 2010. This fic was published in 2006.) (5)

Joe Chief was one day in a place

So, is it too early to nominate for next year’s Most Featureless Void Award? (6)

and shooting wepon at targits

“targits”? So, like targets, except they’re jerks? (7)

and then got a call on the space tv

Because everything sounds all futureiffic if you put “space” in front of it! (8)

in the ship that said to him “JOE CHIEF ALIENS ARE SHOTING AT SHIP COME HERE QUICK” so he went.

These aliens must be impressive: they’re somehow shooting in the past tense! (9)

Joe Chief ran fast there to where bullets were from aliens

The bullets were doing what from aliens? Jumping? Dancing? Crying? Protesting an incompetent leader? Eating lunch? (10)

and took out his wepons and shot at space to hit ships.

Joe Chief apparently decides that space itself is the enemy. (11)

Aliens started flying from space into Joe Chiefs ship

Huh. It seems Joe was right. Space itself is sending the aliens down. I guess the final frontier just got sick of humans. (12)

so he had to do somthing quick.

Try shooting at space some more! (13)

Joe Chief punched a alien and ran fast to get big wepon from the lock room

Why would you store any kind of weapon, let alone a big one, in with all the locks? (14)

so he went there and got it and shot alien again in teh legs and they fell and Joe Chief shot again and killd them.

(15)

Joe Chief lookd at dead aliens and said to them “Aliens we are human people and you are aliens but we dont need to kill things like us” and then pushed them into space.

Y’know, Joe, maybe that kind of littering is the reason that space decided to attack you in the first place! Ever think of that? (16)

After teh normil aliens the flood

Suddenly the Flood. (17)

came and every thing got wet and messy

OH GOD I FORGOT ABOUT THIS JOKE! FIFTY SINS!!! (67)

and lightningy

“lightningy”. Need I say more? (68)

becaus water hit teh space tv and all the things and made sparks.

Apparently, literally everything in the room was electrified. Yikes. (69)

After teh aliens sent the flood other aliens with big heads

They forgot to turn off DK Mode. (70)

came and Joe Chief had to runaway

“Aliens with cheat codes killed my family!” (71)

becaues there was to many of those and they were killing other human people on teh ship.

That, or he just figured that it would be a good idea to not mess with aliens that have active cheat codes. (72)

“Human people army guys hurry and come in ship!”

Please don’t; the janitors only just managed to clean up after the last orgy. (73)

Joe Chief said to the human people there becaus aliens were killing them and he was in a escape ship and ready to go.

Joe Chief gives orders to people who are currently being killed. Is there a Most Incompetent Leader category in the Sucktastics? (74)

(Also, have we considered some kind of short nickname for those? Because all I could come up with was the Suckies, and I think that sends entirely the wrong message.)

3 other human people came just in time

Joe Chief continues to prove his incompetence by only managing to save three people. (75)

becaus the big ship blew up n they were flying fast in space and going to the Halo to meet the army base

Humanity somehow already has a base set up on a Halo. (76)

and get ready fo tight.

Insert your own sex joke. (77)

Joe Chief had to fly fast and go a round tings liek alien ships and things.

Suddenly Joe Chief is an ace pilot. (78)

Then out of no where BOOM happend

That is probably one of the weirdest ways of describing an explosion ever. (79)

and the back of the espcape ship fell open n one of the army guys fell out and explodd in space

This guy explodes for no reason. (80)

then another one closed it and said “NOOOOO HE WAS MY BROTHER!” and then got tired and slept.

Random guy deals with the grief of losing his brother by… sleeping.
Seems legit. (81)

Joe Chief lookd a front of him and seen alien shooting at him

A random alien is somehow keeping up with an spaceship. (82)

so he did a barral roll

(83)

and teh lasers went around him and went away.

The lasers were so impressed with Joe’s stunt flying that they just gave up on trying to destroy him. (84)

Joe Chief sawd the Halo in Space

(85)

so he put the ship faster and went there quick

(86)

becaus a lot of aliens were there. Joe Chief shot like “bang bang bang” from teh ship

Ah, I see Joe armed his ship with state-of-the-art finger guns. (87)

and made aliens blow up and then landed ship on Halo.

Joe Chief said to teh other 2 army guys “Were here now get wepon n kill aliens fast” so they did but when they left a ship landed and skwashed them.

(88)

Human people army guys were all dying fast and Joe Chief

Joe Chief suddenly rises from the dead. Have any of our respawn points gone missing recently? (89)

had to save them but he didnt know how but then he saw something and went to it and piced it up and said “no we win” to himself.

to be continued…?

Random cliffhanger is random. (90)

Halo: Halos in Space 2: Aliens attack

But the aliens are already attacking!

*BLARING ALARM CUT OFF BY EXPLOSIONS*

Well, at least he’s keeping busy. (91)

Joe Chief bended his leg and his other legs

How many legs does he have?! (92)

and lookd at big wepon and tear droped down his eyes

…okay, I admit, if I found a gun like that, I’d probably shed a tear too.

Though, on that note, how did one tear go down both his eyes? (93)

and said “alien you shoot at my human people and kill and shoot at them! No more or else!”

Or else, what, exactly? (94)

then Joe Chief grabed the wepon on his back and standed up.

Joe somehow picks up a gun with his back rather than his arms. (95)

All every where aliens was shooting and making booms on human people around the Halo place. “No over there no over there!” a human guy said to another human guy becaus alien things are going to them. “No we die soon!” the other human guy said back to the other human guy after.

I’ve been staring at this for minutes on end and I can’t possibly make heads or tails of it. Ten sins for breaking my sinning abilities. (105)

“No you dont die soon!” Joe Chief yelt back to the human guys. “Yes we do!” human guys shout back.

These human guys have completely given up on life. (106)

“No look” Joe Chief said then BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM Joe Chief shot the big huge wepon that lookd like a cannon on a pirat ship but smaller and more bigger bullets.

Somehow a smaller gun has bigger bullets. (107)

The aliens around had no heads no more becaus the wepon blew them to teeny weeny pieces.

I see Joe picked the Bloody Mess perk. (108)

“Yes thank you Joe Chief!” both human guys said at the same time together.

“People speaking in unison” cliché. (109)

After Joe Chief helped them he went away to helped other human guys.

Joe Chief somehow jumps back into past tense to help people. (110)

But right then a HUGE aliens ship droppd down from teh space skies.

“Space skies”. (111)

Joe Chief tryed shootin big booms at it but no thing happend cus aliens ship had a lightningy thing on it that made booms blow up to fast.

So what you’re saying is he needs to kill fast and booms to slow? (112)

Joe Chief said “What!? How when i have this wepon i cant kill big alien ship?! Now I have no bullets!” and he yelled it really loud.

Great idea, Joe! Let aaaaaaaall the aliens know that you’re out of ammo! I’m sure they’d never try to shoot you while you’re defenceless or anything! (113)

Joe Chief jumpd over dead aliens with no head really fast to get to big wepon place.

Well, at least it’s not another lock room. (114)

It wasnt there

How inconvenient. (115)

but Joe Chief said “hurry!” then it came on the ground becaus wepons get born in Halo Town from some place you cant see.

Fifteen sins for the mental image of climaxing buildings and Halos giving birth. (125)

When Joe Chief was puttin it on his back again the aliens ship saw him and punchd a button

Ship somehow presses its own button. (126)

to make missil come from it to go to Joe Chief. It blew up every place and Joe Chief but Joe Chief had a shield

Convenient shield is convenient. (127)

but it was all gone after so Joe Chief waited for the bzzt bzzt chhhhhrg and the shield got back.

Shield is restored within seconds despite getting hit with a missile. (128)

“Nice try alien ship but now i have shield again ha ha ha!” Joe Chief yelled at ship then ship said “dont laugh at me ill show you!” and punched another missil at Joe Chief

Talking ship decides to punch a missile instead of launching it. (129)

but then some human people droved to Joe Chief on a War Thog and picked him up and drove away befor missil hit them.

Science people, I need you to math something! How fast would the human people have to be going to pick up Joe Chief and get away before the missile hit? (130)

“Joe Chief a general befor said that the boss alien is on the big ship we need to kill boss alien to make them go far back to Alien Town okay?”a human guy with a cool helmut said.

Run-on sentence exposition. (131)

“Okay lets kill all them!” Joe Chief said. “Wait you hear that?” helmut human guy said. “Yes I dont know what is it” Joe Chief said. “It is me!” a big alien with spines on the back of it and a shield like Joe Chief said.

Suddenly and from the Void. (132)

“Oh now i kill you!” Joe Chief said.

The spines alien shot a needle gun at the War Thog and killt the human people and the needles stuck in the helmut of the human guy but then they stuck in his heart so he died anyways.

RIP Helmet Guy. We hardly knew ye. (133)

Joe Chief jumped from it and landed on his hands and then flipped even thow his space guy armor was heavy.

Unnecessary acrobatics. (134)

“Spines alien we can fight with wepon like babies or fight with hands and feet like strong guys!” Joe Chief said out loud to spines alien.

Suddenly firearms are for babies. I’m sure there’s some kind of Republican joke that could be made here, but being very explicitly not American, I have no idea what it is. (135)

“Joe Chief i am not a baby i will fight you with hands and feet” Spines alien says back.

Spines Alien actually falls for this. (136)

Joe Chief charjed at spines alien with his fist out ready for a big punch but the spies alien turned around and Joe Chief punched spines “OWW” Joe Chief said but he broke the spines off so the spines alien said “OW” to. Joe Chief looked at the big alien ship and saw that the doors was closing and he was running out of time so Joe Chief said “now you die!” then with a lot of power from his whole body Joe Chief stepped back then swang his arm really really really fast you couldnt see it becaus it was a blur then PLOW right on the spines alien face. The spines aliens face blew up and brains and blood and guts went all over.

After Maya and Raider, I’m pretty much all tapped out when it comes to daybooked action scenes, so I’m just gonna add ten sins and move on. Feel free to make your own sins in the comments. (146)

The doors were closed almost so Joe Chief ran fast and jumped to try to get under the door, but…

to be continued…?

Pointless Cliffhanger 2: The Quickening (147)

The aliens came and they were without any feeling. T

No, I haven’t missed anything, this is the third installment of this series in its entirety. Amazing. (148)

Trilogy Sins: 148
Sentence: Attacked by Space (for littering)

Well, that’s it for this riff. I’m still not feeling up to returning to Maya and Raider yet, but I still have yet to decide what I’m going to do. If you guys have any suggestions, drop them in the comments.


25 Comments on “2103: Halos in Space Trilogy”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Title: Halo: Halos in Space

    oh no

  2. BatJamags says:

    So, is it too early to nominate for next year’s Most Featureless Void Award?

    Nope! And we’ve racked up a disturbingly large number of Sucktastic nominations already in just a month or so.

  3. BatJamags says:

    The bullets were doing what from aliens? Jumping? Dancing? Crying? Protesting an incompetent leader? Eating lunch?

    Nah, they live in the town of Aliens. That’s in New Jersey, by the way.

  4. BatJamags says:

    Aliens started flying from space into Joe Chiefs ship

    At least they weren’t from science this time.

  5. BatJamags says:

    came and every thing got wet and messy

    I mean… It’s not an inaccurate description.

    Also bow chicka bow wow.

  6. BatJamags says:

    Please don’t; the janitors only just managed to clean up after the last orgy.

    Damn it, people, some of us actually have work to do in the Library. Could you please try not to make our jobs harder than necessary?

    So to speak.

  7. BatJamags says:

    (Also, have we considered some kind of short nickname for those? Because all I could come up with was the Suckies, and I think that sends entirely the wrong message.)

    The Baddies? The Ficcies? The Dumbies? The Libraries? The Travesties? The Golden Gongs? The Pyrite Pirates (alright, that one doesn’t make sense, but it’s fun to say)? The Magnesium Man-Carrots?

    • GhostCat says:

      The Baddies? The Ficcies? The Dumbies? The Libraries? The Travesties? The Golden Gongs? The Pyrite Pirates (alright, that one doesn’t make sense, but it’s fun to say)? The Magnesium Man-Carrots?

      I think you’ve had enough Internet for one day, young man.

      (How about The Suckers?)

  8. BatJamags says:

    Insert your own sex joke.

    Heh, you said “insert.”

  9. BatJamags says:

    Joe Chief had to fly fast and go a round tings liek alien ships and things.

    Aha!

  10. BatJamags says:

    but Joe Chief said “hurry!” then it came on the ground becaus wepons get born in Halo Town from some place you cant see.

    Well, I have a new favorite way of describing something spawning in.

  11. BatJamags says:

    RIP Helmet Guy. We hardly knew ye.

    Actually, it was guy named Helmut. He was German.

  12. ME-Iron-Maiden says:

    And here I thought A Thorned Rose had shitty pacing. Looks like my Badfic Theroem is looking more and more evident.

  13. SC says:

    For your viewing pleasure:

  14. Delta XIII says:

    Fifteen sins for the mental image of climaxing buildings and Halos giving birth. (125)

    …I only added ten. Goddamnit, now I have to start sinning myself! (1)

  15. TacoMagic says:

    Then out of no where BOOM happend

  16. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    To be honest I was kinda disappointed that squirrelking came back after all those years, but just left us with a one sentence conclusion instead of yet another hilarious master piece. He probably just didn’t have the motivation anymore. (That’s the reason he gave on that forum post where he revealed himself anyway.)

    That, or maybe he knew he couldn’t have surpassed the Full Life Consequences saga.

  17. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Also, have we considered some kind of short nickname for those?

    I propose “General Stirfried”, or “Commander Stupid”, after two of the biggest examples on the Library thus far.


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